hurt feelings

I just got home from the midnight premiere of New Moon, the second in the Twilight series. It was awesome and amazing, I loved every minute of it. I went with a friend and some coworkers. Pretty decent company, minus the ending where we all got up and filed out of the theater and bolted to our cars, never uttering a single word to one another or anything...kind of weird. Maybe because I'm a supervisor and they're not, they didn't feel real compelled to stand around and make small talk with me. Perhaps the time was the reason...it's after 2am and we'd all been yawning since 11:30. They possibly just figured that we'd certainly be talking about it at work, no reason to stand around in the cold and make commentary. Whatever their reasoning was, it was just strange to me. When you spend 4 long hours in a movie theater with someone (two hours before the showtime, then the movie), I just thought that "goodbye" or "see you tomorrow" or "peace" or just something was customary. I guess not?

Before the movie started, my friend (the only one who found me worthy of parting words) and I met for dinner. She told me that I should be glad that the Lady lives so far away because I deserved to have my ass kicked for what I said to her this afternoon. I insulted the hell out of her without even meaning to. I don't remember my exact words, but I made some sort of reference to her being a mentor and talking to kids about fashion and being too beautiful to be a teacher. Silly comments to have made. I intended them in the best ways, but they did not go across smoothly. As long as I've known her, she's been trying tirelessly to land a job doing magazine writing. She likes fashion. It's not a secret that she thoroughly enjoys both of those things. Within the past couple months, she's began speaking of teaching. I guess in my mind, teaching was just a last resort, something meaningful and honorable that would also earn her a salary. Great reasons to take a job. I just figured that if teaching was her dream, then she wouldn't have bothered so much with the fashion writing and magazine opportunities and whatnot. Based on the amount of time and effort she puts in, I figured that's where her heart was, the true passion. I didn't get that when she spoke of teaching. I'm not really sure why I elected to mention her looks when I spoke on this, I guess that was the ignorant thing. I could have just said exactly what I just typed and she probably would have understood my stance just fine. I know that I made the comment about mentoring children about fashion because we'd discussed earlier in the day our passions and goals and what motivates and drives us in life and she said that it's important to her to have a career that involves her interests. So, if she's fulfilled and gets a sense of purpose and accomplishment from mentoring children, but also loves fashion......it's plain to see that I just expressed it in a completely wrong way. I made it seem like all she's good for is fashion and magazines. Or like it's impossible for her to be so hot, but also have something to bring to a classroom or be able to impact a child's life in a positive way. I felt horrible when she let me know how bad it hurt her feelings. I don't think I've been that sorry in a long time. I felt like a piece of dog shit for insulting her, upsetting her, hurting her feelings, and making her feel devalued. There was a positive aspect to it all though: I gained awareness of two matters. At the end of me apologizing, I asked her if she felt like I didn't like her for her mind. She said that she knows I like her mind, but it's off balance because I definitely act like I am much more interested in her body most of the time. She gently called me out about it, let me know that I need to balance it out better. That was the second thing I learned. The first thing happened right after I insulted her. Like I said, I don't think I've ever been that sorry before. I've never cried over hurting someone's feelings before. As my eyes filled with tears while she told me how it made her feel, it hit me that I must CARE about this girl in a really big way. It just cut me so bad and I felt so horrible that I was the reason for her being unhappy. I honestly don't think I've ever been committed to anyone's happiness like that before, to the point that I'm gonna be the one crying when I'm not even the one that got her feelings shat on. It's deep.

Earlier this morning, we discussed our differing positions on work, career, and what truly matters to us in life. It made me really begin to think about the things that I need to do. Right now, the only real sense of personal satisfaction I get is from working out, losing weight, and talking to her. Not from my job. I always love my friends, but I'm not doing anything big in their lives or anything. What I've concluded is that I think I will begin looking into becoming a personal trainer. I can still lose weight, I can work out all day everyday, and help people change their lives in positive ways. My friend Elizabeth takes me with her to every dance audition she's ever gone on because I'm her biggest fan. I believe in her and I don't have a problem telling her and showing her. I've been told on countless occasions from friends that the only reason they did certain things was because I encouraged them to do it and believed in them. I guess it's safe to say that I'm good at motivating people on a personal level. Personal training would be great for me. An awesome side hustle for while I'm in graduate school, plus it would keep me focused on my own goals. Once I get my master's and can start practicing, I'd do both. I honestly feel that I would gain a sense of accomplishment, be fulfilled and full of joy in life by doing those things. Now, just to make a timeline and a plan...

I got into it with my mother this week. The dude that she's been dating for awhile now, much to the disgust of my brother and I, got invited to our family Christmas outing of dinner and a play. I was so hurt. Just this summer, my mother arranged for me to meet him. I declined and gave her all the reasoning...it's just too soon. It hurt so bad that she would just assume it was okay to have invited him without contacting me. It hurts that she would decide for herself that enough time had passed and just assume that it would be fine to bring him. It hurt that she was so insensitive. I hated that she would feel that smack dab in the middle of the first holiday season without my father would be a good time to bring a man around. I wanted to strangle her when she said that she already bought his ticket. I politely told her that I didn't care and it wasn't my problem that she didn't think to ask first. We went round and round, but she agreed to reneg on his invitation. She made me so sick talking about how nice he is, how everybody that meets him tells her not to let him go, how he makes her feel good and that's why she wanted him there. I had to give her a quick reminder that even though we're grown, my brother and I should still be top priority, and for the second time in her life, she's forgetting. Putting a man before us. I'm just glad dude's not going and I really hope my mother meant it when she told me that she wouldn't bring dude around until I told her I wanted to meet him. My brother and I agreed then that the day will never come, so she can just keep on dating him privately. I'm spending Saturday night in my hometown watching Christmas movies with my cousins and then my nephew, Damien, is spending the night with me at my mom's house. I can't wait, but I know how my mother is and I'm praying that she won't bring it up again or try to ask me to reconsider. If she insists upon bringing this dude, she'll still have wasted her money on a ticket because I will not show up.

just funky!

I'm in a funk. 

It started yesterday, or perhaps Monday night.

That night, one of my associates and I got into it. He made the comment "that's gay" and I about lost my mind. We went round and round. Without rehashing everything that was said, I definitely told him that he was ignorant, small-minded, homophobic, and that his reasoning for his beliefs was not okay. Now, I wouldn't want anybody telling me those things...and because I am his immediate supervisor, I was a bit nervous that he may tell on me to my higher-ups for attacking his character. He was definitely wrong in the first place, but in terms of corporate policy, I'm sure we were both wrong. I don't feel nervous about the situation any longer, but I'm not that excited about seeing him anytime soon though...

I miss the Lady. The weekend we spent together was fantastic and I did not want to leave. I feel so empty. Something is missing. We were inseparable for 4 days and it hurt to come home and be by myself again. I just want to be back with her. I ask myself if some part of me likes pain, there must be something about tough long distance situations that I like since I keep doing it. I don't like the women that I meet around Indianapolis, but is there something inside me that doesn't really want a relationship? Do I not really want to deal with someone full time? Do I want somebody to talk to, somebody close to me....but not really want to put in the time, effort, and energy? Do I like missing somebody all the time? Do I like being forced to travel to spend time? Why do I keep doing this to myself? There's gotta be a reason that I keep forming these attachments to women that live 600 miles away. It hurts. "This is nothing to you, you're used to leaving," the Lady said to me as we walked back to our hotel from having lunch before my flight. I didn't agree fully, it definitely wasn't nothing to me. However, I couldn't argue with the fact that I'm used to leaving. I am. It doesn't mean that it's ever easy. Just that I've gotten used to it. It sucks each time. However, it's never lingered for three days before. I mean, I really feel awful. It's always been painful, but I guess I'm pulling up to a point where I'm not willing to keep leaving...

I'm still hurting over some of the things that happened between Shanee and I. Some of the things she said to me, some of the things that took place, the way I felt a good deal of the time. When it was good, it was good. But there were definite blocks of time in which I was not happy. And I feel weak as an individual to have withstood and put up with some of the ways she would treat me. It hit me yesterday that I haven't cried in over a month. Not a single tear. And it feels great! It doesn't feel too great though to look back and think about all the time that I did spend crying. Even though so much has gone on, it's really only been a few weeks since I ended that relationship. I was so mad at Shanee when I ended it and then immediately so happy about what was developing between the Lady and I and it's like my emotions are just now evening back out. I wouldn't go back and change a single bit of it, but it's like my emotions are flat from not having a good fight, or being hurt to the point of tears every week or so. I'm so used to sub-par treatment that I almost don't know how to act now that I'm not having to ask to be treated the way I want. I'm being treated exactly the way I always wanted to and I almost don't know how to receive it. That fact saddens me. Another fact also saddens me...that I could love somebody so much, to the point of near stupidity (it was stupid how deep for her my feelings went), and they just not feel that for me. Right or wrong, good or bad...I loved that girl more than I loved myself. And maybe it isn't her fault, but she just did not feel that for me. I was not her first priority, she easily put other people and things ahead of me. I wasn't her whole life like she was mine. I'm still trying to get over that, work through those feelings. As the anger fades away, all that's left is sadness over our relationship. And honestly, I'd rather just be mad...it's easier. 

I've been eating junk and not exercising for 9 days. It ends tomorrow. I said that yesterday. But I mean it today. Tomorrow, I will go to the grocery and get good foods again and start back at the gym. That's probably half of the problem...why do I expect to feel well when I'm trashing my body? Speaking of my body, for the past 2 days, I've also felt like there was a cold or some kind of sickness brewing. I've been really sleepy with a runny nose. I had a ticklish throat yesterday as well.

I'm sure that I will feel fine again, just give it a lil time... 

don't come out until you've shat

"you're leavin on a jet plane..."

"if you leave, then baby i'll leave..."

"don't leave me girl, please stay with me foreverrrr..."

"i'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gonna shed no tears, i'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry cuz you ARE worth my tears..."

"you're my baby, my love my lady, all night you make want you, it drives me crazy..."

All these songs, with the lyrics all wrong, with the totally wrong meanings, were sung to me, complete with off-beat clapping, on the train as I made my way back to the airport to come back home...

It was a glorious weekend. From the moment I arrived until the moment I left...absolutely glorious. The Lady came to meet me at the airport...and the moment I saw her, my face broke out into the world's biggest smile. And it pretty much stayed. I wrapped her up into a hug and tried to not let go. 

It was so good to get to see her. I'd seen her before, but when I saw her, she was just a pretty girl that I had a crush on. I wouldn't let myself look too deeply into her eyes, I wouldn't let myself stare too closely at her body, I definitely made sure to not let any hugs linger. But to see her after feelings had been laid on the table, after all the conversation, after all the anticipation, after lusting after her for the past few weeks...it was just really great to be in her presence with no holding back, no trying to act like she's not special. 

She took me to see The Lion King. It was magical. The first scene, when all the animals come down the aisles, was wondrous. I was in awe. I sat there with my eyes all lit up and a gaping smile, like a child. All I could keep saying was "this is so kooooool." There were some points at which I think I actually had goosebumps, all the songs and whatnot were way more powerful in person. And I had completely forgot that there was a death of a father in that story, so it tugged at my heart at some points, but it was an excellent experience. The Lady got us excellent seats. It meant a lot to me that out of all the plays that were running this weekend, she agreed to take me to the Lion King even though she's seen it thrice already. She said it was important to her to be with me the first time I saw it. She knew it was something to behold and she wanted to be the one to give me that experience. I like that she doesn't have a problem being sentimental and she doesn't hide it. 

Over the course of the weekend, she also showed me some other things. She took me to a Moroccan restaurant, something I've never experienced. It was excellent food. She took me to a Caribbean restaurant and I tried oxtails. I wasn't a huge fan of the oxtails, but I will definitely try them again. I told her that as long as she fries plaintains, I'll deal with any amount of oxtails. I've been to New York before, but never Brooklyn. I now see why they say that Brooklyn is the real New York. We also went to the Museum of Sex. It was fun. Informative. It really was educational and interesting...not as stimulating or saturated with excitement like I had assumed it would be. At one point, after reading an entire wall of the history of porn, I even asked "can we go ahead to the interesting parts now?" I'm glad I went though.

She showed me other things too...things far more important than any restaurant. I saw parts of her that I knew existed, but I didn't know how important they were to me. I didn't know that I would respond the way I did when I saw them. For instance, we saw some Remy Martin ads on the train...she went off. It was similar to a sociology or a social psychology class the way she picked the ads apart. Pointed out things I never would have dreamed of. Her reaction was super intense, in a good way. She completely turned me on with the passion in her voice, the emotion in her eyes. All I could do was look at her with a smirk as my insides heated up. There were similar moments when we discussed cohabitation, loved ones working in the adult film industry, the things people consider for monetary gain, relationships, just everything. She has strong opinions on a lot of things that I'm not sure I even have an opinion on. She says things that really make me think. What I love is that even though we have some completely different ways of thinking, there's never any judging or disrespect. Anyhow, I could feel myself becoming more and more attracted to her each time she revealed her thoughts to me about something. There are other things that also made me like her even more. Her sense of humor is different than mine...I'm extremely silly compared to her. But there were times when I found myself cracking up at something she'd said, or the way she said it. Just tickled, plain and simple. The best part is that she didn't know it was funny, she would just kind of smile as I rolled with laughter...to me, the best humor is unintentional. She is supremely affectionate, very gentle and loving. Everything was "yes baby" or "no baby" and "whatever you want baby" or "sure baby." I eat that shit up. I love being talked to like that. She's so caring and nurturing too...looking out for me and my comfort at every turn. Serving me coffee, bringing me a donut, making sure I had plenty of q-tips...and not just when things were good. I was officially constipated for the entire weekend and after she handed me my cell phone, poured me a glass of water, and ushered me into the bathroom, she told me, "take your time sweetie and don't come out until you've shat." Another of those moments that I was dying with laughter, but also feeling warm on the inside...

Everything I wanted out of the weekend, I got. Everything I wondered about, got answered. Everything I thought, I got it confirmed. She's great. She's sweet. She's a real lady. She respects me. She let me know that there's things about me that she appreciates that I wasn't aware of. She told me previously that she hates rats and we saw one that was almost a foot long on the subway platform. She almost climbed my body trying to get away from it. I didn't wanna laugh too hard or make her feel dumb, but it was kind of comical. It was definitely gross though. Anyhow, the weekend was more than I could ask for. I came home some kind of happy. I'm extremely excited for whatever is in store for us!

when conversation gets weird

I'm bored, lonely, and exhausted. 

I'm bored because I elected to not do anything tonight. I had originally planned to attend a haunted house with a friend and some of her other friends. Now, me and this friend have a brief sexual history...we got completely wasted (like, white boy wasted) one night about 6 months ago, and had sex. Just one time, she was probably only in my apartment for all of an hour. It never happened again, there's no sexual tension between us, and I'm not attracted to her. But last week when we made plans to attend the haunted house, the conversation got a little weird. She said that we were drinking. I agreed. She told me that I was not going to just drink beer, which is my usual. I agreed to take a shot or two. She said no, more than that. It made me pause. Why was she so pressed about me drinking? The moment she said it, the time we had sex came rushing back to me...she had forced me to drink very heavily that night. Of course, she didn't hold a gun to my head and make me drink anything...but she was definitely buying me lots of drinks....and after awhile, it was just pure vodka that she was handing me. Anyhow, it struck me as peculiar that she would suddenly, after all this time, be concerned a week in advance about me drinking hard liquor and not just a little bit of it. She obviously wanted me drunk. I became uncomfortable. I spoke about it to the Lady (good name for the woman in NYC who just kills me with how classy she is?! i think so!) and decided that it was best to not even test the situation. It's in my best interest to not be hanging around somebody, drunk, when I get the strong vibe that they have something up their sleeve. 

Reason 2 for boredom...

While I was at work today, one of my coworkers and I were texting. She works an extremely early shift and I only saw her briefly and I kind of noticed that she wasn't as happy or friendly as she usually is, but the Lady was thick on my mind (as per usual), so I didn't think much of it. When she began texting me, she let me know that she and her girlfriend had broken up earlier this morning and that she was pretty upset about it. She asked me what I was doing tonight and I told her nothing. Then the thought came to me that it would be kool for the two of us to go to the movies or something since I didn't have any plans and she would probably benefit from not sitting around alone all night. So, as soon as I texted my idea to her, the conversation got a little weird. She asked me, "as a lesbian, what do you think about when you look at me?" I responded honestly. "Nothing really, a tomboy." That's what she is. She said "oh okay, I'm going to stop talking before I embarrass myself." I was thrown off. She then tried to salvage things by asking how my girlfriend-to-be is doing and I didn't hold back when telling her how good she is and how I'm so into her. It felt kind of insensitive to gush about my situation when her relationship just fell apart hours earlier, but I didn't want there to be any mixed signals. After that, all thoughts of going to the movies with her completely vanished. 

I'm lonely, partly because of the boredom and partly because I'm in one of those moods where only certain company and conversation will suffice. I wanna talk to the Lady and no one else. I'm in one of those moods to not discuss football, rap music, the media, whatever....I wanna talk about life, love, relationships, and the things that really matter in life. I wanna speak in soft voices. I wanna feel my insides heat up. I wanna smile to myself at the sound of her voice. I wanna linger on the phone well past the point of exhaustion. I wanna stare into her eyes via video chat. I wanna watch her smirk and smile and flare her nostrils in reaction to whatever I'm talking about. I want to quietly admit little things that I find adorable about her. I want to whine and resist going to sleep when she tries to put me to bed. Basically, I want to cake. But she's unavailable until later...

The exhaustion comes because we definitely spent all of last night on the telephone doing everything I've just mentioned. A day of work on very little sleep leaves me tired. Plus, my upper body is fried...the entire length of both arms is super sore, my shoulders are sore, my back is sore, my damn armpits are sore. And my right knee is not feeling very good either. I'm doing my thang at the gym and I'm getting my results, but it definitely comes with a price. 

Hot tea and a book will probably round out my evening just fine though!

bein' true to myself

I received an angry letter in the mail yesterday. From Shanee. Detailing how foul, sloppy, and trifling my actions were. We texted about it today (she will not talk to me) and she let me know that I had been emotionally cheating for months. And even took her with me to meet my emotional mistress. They say that emotional cheating is the worst kind. She felt that I should have just told her flat-out that I had a growing interest for someone else, not harbored those feelings. She didn't actually say so, but I imagine that she feels played for a fool. I suppose, as a human, it was very easy for me to not see it that way. But the fact that she took the time, in 2009, to actually use an ink pen and 4 sheets of college-ruled loose leaf paper means that she felt that very deeply. I was upset to see that she thought so low of me. Even though she has made me feel like complete and utter shit a trillion times in the last six months, heartache is never something I would have wished on her. When I first read the letter, my stomach sank, I wanted to vomit, and I just generally felt like a piece of shit. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that well last night. Then, today, I was just flat-out angry about it. How dare she write a letter? She never took the time, energy, or effort to write me a 4-page letter about anything positive, but she sure found it within herself to put the work into writing me to let me know how foul I am. But even as I was angry, I still felt bad. Deep down, my soul was not okay. So, I did what I was raised to do. I did what I KNOW was the right thing. I gave her a genuine apology. For hurting her feelings. For causing her to feel disrespected. I acknowledged and took ownership of the fact that I caused her grief. And even though the response I got was "whatever, enjoy life," I felt a trillion times better. My stomach felt normal again. I felt free. Regardless of how bad she may have treated me at times and how many times I never got a genuine apology from her, I did the good and decent thing and apologized. And I meant the hell out of it. She doesn't have to accept it and I have the feeling that she wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire, but I can move forward knowing that I did the right thing. 

The relief was sweetened by an awesome workout. My gym is running a deal, $14.99 a month with no contract. So, people are signing up by the tons. Every single time I'm there, there's at least 15 people waiting to talk to a consultant. Anyhow, I noticed a girl that used to be a patron at my job. One day, she cursed at me and was extremely rude to me over a situation that was not my fault by any means. But, being that she's the customer, I couldn't say shit back to her without probably losing my job. So, I burned with anger and just stood there. A month later, she came in and I tried to just ignore her. But she approached me and gave me a genuine apology, told me that she was super sorry for how she'd acted and told me that there was no excuse for what she did, she'd been having a bad day and took it out on me. I gave her a blank face and kind of mumbled, "ok." I've seen her a few times since then and I still opt to just ignore the hell out of her. I saw her at the movies on Saturday and walked right past her like I didn't see her. I saw her looking at me in my peripheral. But today when I saw her at the gym, I waved and smiled. She broke into a huge grin and waved back. It was like I gave an unspoken "i forgive you." It felt awesome. 

I guess today was just back to back lessons for me in terms of how to do your very best to make situations as positive as you can. Regardless of whether I'm right or wrong initially, regardless of whether or not I deserve how people treat me, if I ultimately stand up and do what I know is right, then I always end up happy.. 

I'm the luckiest...

Ha, I reached 100 posts and wasn't even aware...besides being a nice outlet to record my thoughts and perception of events, these 102 posts have also served another purpose...

I had no idea whatsoever, but someone was becoming intrigued by me based on what I was writing here. She says that my sincerity and willingness to lay my emotions out was attractive to her, unbeknownst to me. We interacted via blog for months and then began communicating in other ways. Twitter and AIM can do great things for the communication between two people. We became fast friends. Good friends. We would genuinely look out for one another, encourage one another, listen to one another vent about big things and bullshit alike, give one another advice, console one another, just really provide moral support to one another. Soon enough, when I had a problem or something happened, she was the first person I wanted to discuss it with... 

I found myself with a crush on this girl. I knew she was different than most women her age (she's a bit younger in terms of chronological age) and even most women my age. I knew she was a kool girl with a good head on her shoulders. Extremely attractive. Very genuine in everything she said. Very sensible. Very in tune with my feelings. The more we communicated, the more I knew she was somethin' special...and even had everything I thought about her confirmed one weekend. We met and hung out...saw a movie, ate some awesome red velvet cupcakes, and spent a night bar-hopping. She was just as special in person. But I was still very much in a relationship and trying my damndest to be committed to that relationship...plus, I didn't think I had a chance with her anyhow. Thought to myself, "no way she'd be into me."

I was so wrong...

Lo and behold, my ass has a chance!

And on November 5, I'm flying to New York City to take my chance!

She's just special. Everything about her. We have the same values, the same priorities, we want the same things out of life and out of a relationship. She's gorgeous. She's sweet. I've met a million women, but this is the first time I can honestly say that I've had the pleasure of getting to know a lady. She's a true lady. She's classy, graceful, stylish, elegant, has standards for herself and how she carries herself, she knows how to act, she thinks before she speaks, and everything she says and does is with the highest degree of taste. After everything I've gone through, how I've been treated, and the coarse women I encounter around here, she is most definitely a breath of fresh air. I can't wait to see what we can turn into.

I'm not completely crazy though, I haven't lost touch with reality. I know that things are still very much in the beginning phases. It could go either way, anything could happen. And yes, I just got out of a relationship. I'm fine. I'm doing quite well with putting it behind me and moving forward. I just feel like I finally have a chance to truly have everything I've ever dreamed about having in a woman. We have a lot to offer one another, I can see us being a real nice couple. Things just feel so different with her, they just feel right. In the past, I've been scared as hell to see my feelings grow this fast. But I am perfectly at ease with this situation. And even though I don't truly believe that anybody qualifies as an expert when it comes to relationships, I have a few friends that have been in long-term, healthy, happy partnerships for years and I'll take their word that feeling completely comfortable is a surefire sign that it's right. God said Fear Not, but I believe He gave us good sense to feel a need to hesitate or be scared about things that aren't right for us. 

It's time for me to take it down for the night...

the way things work out

You ever felt somethin on the inside and knew exactly what it was, just wasn't in the position to do anything about it?

Ever wanted somethin really bad, but it just wouldn't even be right to go after it?

Ever desired something, but for various reasons, just knew it wasn't for you and you couldn't have it? And maybe that has more to do with why you didn't pursue it?

Life has a funny way of working things out. 

I'm in the position now. 

It's right to go after it, there's nothing holding me back.

And I know, without doubt, that it's for me. I can have it. 

destiny and babies and shanee and bilal

Some news...

My cousin, Destiny, has been missing for 3 weeks now. She's 14. She is bad as hell. There's no other way to put it...she's a terror. She was adopted when she was a newborn and she was born crack-addicted. I don't know whether her genes and her environment in the womb is to blame or the fact that she's also the product of very lax parenting. The girl has 5 ipods and gets whatever she wants and there's never any consequences to any of her actions. But anyhow, she has been nothing but trouble for a few years now. And last month, her probation officer recommended that she spend a month at the Indiana Girls' School to be evaluated. She asked if it could be on an outpatient basis. They said no, she would need to sleep there. So, she ran away. She's still in our hometown, and she emails her mother every so often to say that she's safe and not to worry. But she absolutely refuses to come home and she will not give a single clue as to her whereabouts. My mom said it's really sad...posters all over the place. My mom took her mom to the movies last week, just for something to do, to get her out of the house for a little while. Her parents are beside themselves over it. Her brothers are very sad about it as well. My mom said that people around town spot her, but by the time they alert the police, she's long gone. Somebody needs to just stop her and do some citizen's arrest type shit or something. The general belief is that she's got some much older boyfriend or something that she's staying with. I know it can't be another 14 year old that she's staying with...that person's parents would deserve to be tarred and feathered for stowing a runaway. 

My mom told me last night on the phone that she's been having dreams about me having a baby. I told her that I wasn't getting pregnant. And I'm so serious about it. She kept asking me if I had any desire or any urge to have a baby at all and I had to tell her that the honest truth is no. I feel like my life will be perfectly complete without having a person in my uterus. I don't need to do that to validate my purpose and existence as a woman. She was like "well, even if you don't actually get pregnant and have a baby, do you want to raise kids?" I agreed that yes, I wouldn't mind raising some children. If my future partner wants to get pregnant, then great, I'll be more than happy to raise a family that way. What would be really nice is if we used my eggs...that way she would literally have my baby. I do think it would be nice to actually look into the face of a child and see myself. I just don't want to actually be pregnant. My mom then began mentioning my age and how I'd better get to work. She said that in her dream, she knew who donated the sperm. It was a boy whose hair she used to cut...he's now a semi-pro football player. She said that I should keep him in mind when I decide I'd like to acquire some sperm. Precious baby Damien has gotten inside her head and now she wants several grandbabies. It's kind of crazy to me that she wants another grandbaby that bad to suggest I have a baby right now. Who just requests that their single daughter have a baby?! I don't condone single parenthood. Studies show that children are better off with a 2-parent home. But aside from how the child is going to turn out, I don't condone it simply for the fact that it stresses the single parent completely out. So why on earth would she suggest that I willingly enter into that situation? I told her she should adopt a baby since she just wants one in her arms at all times. 

Shanee is not taking this breakup very well. Not by any means. It's obvious that she is hurting. She keeps texting me to ask why and if it's forever and so on. I politely answer her questions and give her all the reasoning. Twice, she's wished me well and tried to accept it. I hope that today she really meant it. I hate that she's hurting, but I honestly don't know what to tell her. She keeps trying to tell me that I don't understand the fact that she'll never move on. I told her that she must not understand how bad she was hurting me. I guess it's typical in a breakup for the person who wasn't acting right to suddenly be able to dig deep and put forth all sorts of effort after the fact when it's too late. It's just crazy to me. I swear she didn't care this much two weeks ago. All the time and energy she's put in to trying to convince me to give her another shot would have been well spent months ago. It's just not worth much at this point in the game. I've told her this in every polite and borderline impolite way I can think of. I've tried to convince her that it will get easier as time goes by. She will press on and all will be well. She doesn't believe me. 

I dreamed all night last night and woke up feeling like I hadn't been asleep. As if I was just laying there thinking. Like I'd been busy all night or something. Just woke up tired. So when I got off work, I came home and went into a lightweight coma. Slept hard, flat on my back. That never happens. So I'm super awake right now. Listening to Bilal. Nothin makes me happier than music from when I was younger. It's associated purely with good memories. 

homie don't play dat

"...my heart just has to be sure that the love that I give to you, that's the love I get from you. I need to be safe and secure. Hey hey, just let me know you're thinkin about me." - Mary J. Blige on that T.I. track, "Remember Me"

My heart wasn't sure. I'm most certain that the love that I was giving was not the love that I was getting. I needed to be safe and I needed to be secure. I was not. Not many motions were made to let me know I was being thought of. 

I wasn't treated as if I was special. I believe I was taken for granted. I believe I deserved more than what I was being offered. I wasn't given the attention and treatment that I desired. No amount of conversation could fix it. It doesn't matter how much I love someone...if they just can't or won't treat me the way I need to be treated, then it's time to move on. I put her first in everything I do and I deserve the same. My feelings run deep and there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her...but enough is enough. 

The relationship has been rocky, she let me down at the worst possible time, and I know that I am better than how she wanted to do me. Every 3-4 days, it was something. On their own, they wouldn't be huge problems. But when I stack it all up and really take a look at it, it isn't worth it. She can be downright rude sometimes, just plain disrespectful, not mindful of her actions or behaviors and how they affect me. The last straw was last week. She was irritated at me for something, and instead of addressing it with me like an adult to find out why I did what I did, she elected to ignore me for a whole day. In the words of my favorite clown: HOMIE DON'T PLAY DAT! To set the whole thing off, I was actually still going to think about it for a few days before I made a decision, despite being completely turned off and unhappy. I expressed my negative feelings to her. Late that night, she wanted to know if we were still together. Upon me telling her that I didn't know...she said "It's yes or no." A test? Okay. NO! 

It's sad to see something that I put so much time and energy and emotion into end. 

But I feel frreeee! 

I'm alright. I'm just glad that I finally mustered up the strength to declare myself better than that. I've been in an altered state of mind since my father passed, deservedly and understandably so. A touch of depression, some anxiety. I've had chronic chest pains for the last 2-3 months. Worrying about that relationship was not helping anything, by any means. I am glad that I am beginning to get over the blues and the anxiety and glad to have that stress, literally, off my chest. 

We'll be friends, for sure. She can't be close with me right now, but in time, I'm certain that we'll be kool with one another. And as for loneliness and being sad about the breakup, I'm not worried. Love will make itself known again in my life, no doubt. 

my blog lives...

My friend Ashley has been my friend since we were in the same 4th grade class together. She texted me this morning, in distress, wanting to know what had happened to my blog. So, I figured I would take some time this afternoon to breathe a little life into it. 

I spent my 26th birthday out in DC with Shanee. I had so much fun. I'm not sure how exciting it was for her, she was born and raised there...but I think she enjoyed showing me so many things. She took me to the Redskins-Steelers preseason game, which was great. We went on a night tour of DC. We went to King's Dominion in VA. It had been a really long time since I rode any roller coasters, but it was a lot of fun. We ate and ate and ate, I had ice cream every single day. It was my first birthday since my dad died, so it was bound to be difficult, and it was. Just couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't receive all the birthday calls I was supposed to have gotten. It was nice being with Shanee though. As much as it drives me crazy how nonchalant she is and how she's so non-emotional, it definitely serves its purpose. Being around someone who does not dwell on the negative things and who refuses to spend time thinking about the past and is always focused on forward progression is a nice thing at times. Plus, she's funny. She cracks me up completely, so it's hard to feel too bad when she made it her business to make sure I was smiling the whole week. We definitely got good and into it a few times, but nothin irreparable.

The past couple weeks have been extremely rocky for the two of us. I went and saw the new Tyler Perry movie, and it basically ripped open all the emotional wounds that I thought were healing. The death of a parent cut me deep, for obvious reasons. Then the portrayal of how she was treated by her "boyfriend" just made it worse because my girl didn't support me much at all during my father's passing. It hurt all over again. Just watching it was enough to make me feel so bad, all over again. It's like it unleashed all the anger and resentment and ill feelings I had for her all over again. I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm not really over how she treated me. I kind of wonder if I ever will be. I'll probably never forget some of the things she said, how she acted towards me. It was all so selfish. Just downright cold and insensitive at times. She has apologized for it twelve million times and I've said plenty of hateful and evil things to her that didn't make me feel better, not a single ounce. I've told her that I accept her apology, but it's like I'm not sure how to truly forgive her and put it behind us. And now, every single thing that takes place is stained by how she treated me during March/April. Almost 7 months later and I still don't know how to just move on from it. In my mind, I'm truly convinced that no matter how many times she apologizes, says she wasn't thinking clearly, will never do it again, so on and so forth....she's already shown me that she doesn't care about me, she doesn't love me, she isn't supportive, I can't rely on her, and that I shouldn't be with her. With all that being worked around in my head, every little thing that happens turns into a huge ordeal because I'm ready to break up at every turn. I just feel very torn and confused. We've talked about it and talked about it and it doesn't get much better. I'm not sure what else to really do about it. I love her enough to keep working at it, but she's got one more time to hurt me until we're done forever. 

My workout plan is going well. I'm still meeting my goals, the best that I can with my cheat days thrown in. I'm definitely going to have to stop doing those...they surely impede progress. I can tell a difference when I've been eating bad. It doesn't take much of a cheat to make a difference either. I don't plan to completely deprive myself, but way more restriction and control will be practiced. A girl I met recently told me something that made good sense...the weight will come off, but even once I've reached my goal, the pizzas and ice cream and other crap will still be there and chances are, I'm not going to want it then. So true! 

I got cable a few weeks ago. I haven't had cable in my house in 8 years. And I am completely addicted to tv now. It's quite unfortunate. I am so seduced by all sorts of tv...news, reality shows, dramas, comedies...all of it. I never thought I would be so into things like Supernanny and Wife Swap. I completely love not having to go to a bar or restaurant to watch football as well, I can just watch from the comfort of my own couch. It's great! Shanee asked me a couple weeks ago though, "what happened to the book-loving Erika I used to know?" And it really struck me that I don't read at all anymore. Ever since I got cable, I don't blog, I don't read books, I don't read blogs....I just stare at the TV with my eyes glazed over. It's kind of sad. 

I'm getting my future worked out. I'll post the plans in detail when I have some confirmations!

Another weekend is here and I'm not sure what to do with it. Sleep? Watch tv?! Go see a movie? Take a book to Starbucks? Hit the club?