Free My Mind...and the Rest Will Follow?

new blog

2010-05-14T02:27:00.000-04:00

e827.wordpress.com

hollerrrrrr

at this point in time...

2010-01-20T18:48:00.003-05:00

I sat for my life insurance licensing exam last week. To pass, I needed at 66. My ass scored 64. Right before I clicked "Finish," I went back and changed two answers. My luck. I'm going to reschedule for next week.

The weight is coming off.

I've narrowed down my schools. I'll begin the application process this weekend.

I haven't done any applications, but I do know where I'll be applying to work.

I haven't thrown away any clothes that don't fit, just keep pushing them out of my way in the closet.

I have began reading Lauren Conrad's book, "L.A. Candy." I won't take the book out of my apartment because I'm embarrassed to be seen with it, but I'm a huge L.C. fan and couldn't stand to not check it out. It isn't that good. But I know myself and I will surely read the other ones when they come out as well. Just because.

I'm training to run a 5k with my friend Elizabeth in April. I'm excited about it. I've never participated in an official race before. When she first asked me to do it with her, I was a little hesitant because I didn't realize that 5k was just 3.1 miles. After I googled it, I agreed. It's going to be fun. Something for her and I to work towards together, neither of us has ran a race before, so we'll be doing a "first" together. She's a good friend, so I'm excited about the time that we'll spend training together because we don't see one another often. As of right now, I can run 2.5 miles before I just can't go any further. It takes me almost 30 minutes. I'm hoping to be at 3 miles before February. Then I'll work on completing it faster.

My mom's birthday is next week. My brother and I have already went through our birthdays without Dad and now it's her turn. I called her today to see what she wanted to do. We decided on dinner at her favorite Italian restaurant. She told me who to invite. She kept asking me how I felt about so-and-so and if we should invite what's-her-name. I kept telling her, "it's your day, it's about you, whoever you want to invite is who we'll have." Then she popped the big one. She wanted to know if I meant everybody but her Man Friend. I took in a deep breath. And said no. I told her to invite him. I agreed to meet him. I'm still not thrilled about the fact that she's dating so soon, but she's not going to stop doing it for my benefit. So I guess I'm ready to just suck it up and let her live. She lets me live. I just hope I don't do something stupid like cry at the table.

An old friend of mine has recently contacted me. I've missed him horribly and I'm extremely happy to be back talking to him. Part of me wants to jump in the car and go see him this weekend, but I probably won't. We used to have a blast together and from phone conversations, I gather that he's just a more mature version of the same guy I remember. I'll be excited to make plans to see him soon.

one day

2010-01-06T10:50:00.002-05:00

I NEED to go to the gym. Desperately.

And I need to be studying for my life insurance exam.

And I need to clean my apartment.

And I need to plan my finances for the month.

And there's 13 loads of clean laundry that need to be folded and put away.

And I feel like doing NONE of it. Not one bit.

I've been awake for about 3 hours now. And I have to be at work in 3 hours.

But here I sit, just watching the hours tick off.

Doing nothing.

I'm just NOT feeling it. I'm not in a bad mood at all, but I'm not really feeling like making any moves.

I haven't done anything to really deserve a nothing day...sometimes when a person's been grinding hard for days and days on end, they deserve a day of ass-sitting and relaxation. I haven't been doing that and I don't think I ever really have. I can't justify just sitting around for the next 3 hours because I want to. People don't reach goals and get ahead that way.

But what is one day...?!

january goals

2010-01-04T18:14:00.002-05:00

1. Get my life insurance license.

2. Apply for at least 3 jobs.

3. Narrow down my list of graduate schools and apply to my top choices.

4. Drop another 10 pounds and officially make myself 60 pounds lighter.

5. Take a good, honest look at my wardrobe and donate the items that I will never wear again.

I feel like it's a reasonable list of things to accomplish this month. Perhaps I'll do more. But that's a start.

rockstar lifestyle might not make it

2010-01-03T10:49:00.003-05:00

I had a wonderful New Year's. I was in great company, had a great time, got wasted like a white boy, and loved every minute of my NYE celebration, minus the part where I blew chunks all over the parking lot of my apartment building. I was embarrassed, I'm too old to not handle my liquor better than that. We did the math and I'd had 9 drinks in 3 hours. I guess I had a right to be sick. It was all fine and good until the car ride home though, that's what did me in. I naturally get car sick often, so liquor just set the whole thing off.

My friends Stalker and College Buddy spent some time together. I randomly got a text from Stalker, "I fucked your friend." I was cracking up. Until the next day, I got a BBM from College Buddy saying that she wasn't attracted to Stalker, she wasn't her type, and that I should do better the next time I try and hook her up. Ok. Clearly I just won't try and hook her up ever again. Honestly, I wasn't thinking about her or her lonely self...it was a favor to Stalker, she was the one asking to be set up with someone. It rubbed me the wrong way for her to act like that. I'm sure I didn't save her life or do her any huge favor or anything, but her attitude was tinged with ungratefulness and I didn't appreciate it. Like I said, I'm not anybody's savior or anything and I didn't expect to be rewarded or applauded for passing her number along, but I definitely didn't expect to receive a message talking about "next!" I asked her what the problem was, why she decided that. I could understand if Stalker had said something disrespectful or done something out of bounds...but all College Buddy could come up with was, "she isn't my type and I'm not feelin her." Alright. She has the right to feel that way, but why did she get in bed with her?! Of course I didn't ask that and I'm sure she doesn't know that Stalker told me about it immediately after it happened. But again, it rubbed me the wrong way. From Stalker's point of view, the sex was off the chain and they hit it off. So why on Earth would you get up out of the bed with someone and then a mere 24 hours later decide that they weren't attractive? Obviously she was attractive enough. She was feelin her enough to hop in the sack with her. I guess I feel like she should have just kept it to herself, don't message me specifically to complain about the favor I did for you. Then today, I wake up and there's a message saying that she was wrong and she needs to give things a chance. I feel like there's obviously something not being said...if all it was the other day was that she isn't attracted to her, did she suddenly become attractive? Probably not...Whatever though, they'll each be fine. For some reason, it just really annoyed me.

you're a jerk (i know)

2009-12-30T09:59:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to hook two friends up.

Well, one is Stalker from several posts ago. The girl who has a deep-seated crush on me from afar and I had no idea that she would come to my job purely to look at me, walk past me and NEVER speak. We became friends and then she confessed to it all. It was weird, but she's turned out to be extremely cool. Anyhow, I guess she finally accepts that I'll never be with her. She hit me up yesterday asking if I had any friends.

I ran through my contacts. I decided on a friend that I've been cool with since the start of college. We had sex one time, randomly. But after that, we went back to being friends like it had never happened.

So, they got to textin' yesterday. First thing out of Stalker's mouth (fingertips) was that she wanted me, but I won't give her any play. College Buddy said "oh, that's Erika, always pulling." I was hoping and praying, praying and hoping that Stalker wouldn't divulge that. And God must have been on my side because College Buddy didn't go ahead and tell Stalker that she once had me.

I don't want either of them to feel like my rejects or my sloppy seconds or my handoffs.

I never think things through all the way before I act. And then I always end up slightly nervous about what the outcome will be.

I just thought they were each cool girls who might enjoy one another. Why did it never once occur to me that they would probably discuss how they knew me?! Even if College Buddy didn't immediately tell her about our one-night get-down, chances are it will come as they get to know one another.

I don't want anybody's feelings to be hurt or anyone to feel slighted...

And the thing is, Stalker said that College Buddy seemed a little jealous when she told her that tidbit of info...if she only knew that CB is really the one to be jealous of.

I'm beginning to feel like a jerk...

a resolution

2009-12-28T01:50:00.005-05:00

"You're so quick to criticize. I don't even want to talk to you because you're going to critique whatever I say and immediately discredit my feelings. You have this attitude like 'how dare anybody have a different opinion than yours.'"

I've got to fix this asap. What an ugly way to be. Lord knows I can't stand people who act like that...but it's never been brought to my attention that I, too, treat people in that manner. I couldn't even argue when this was said to me. Completely true.

The year 2010 will see the end of acting like that.

damn, i just want my friend back

2009-12-22T17:54:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was amongst the toughest days I've had in a long time. For two reasons.

I arrived at work just in time for a meeting to start. It's a very informal meeting held each morning at the same time. Sam Walton believed that associates working for a company had a right to know exactly how the company was doing financially on a day to day basis. So this meeting takes place every morning, it lasts anywhere from 10 to 40 minutes, and it's basically a bunch of bullshit. I mean, of course, not the parts where we discuss sales and wages and profits. But the parts of the meetings where our general manager likes to try and call people out about any mistake or shortcoming for the sole purpose of being a capital B, those are pure bullshit. Yesterday was my turn. It was extra bullshit-like because of the way it happened. I walked into the building, went to the timeclock, then sat down because the meeting was starting at that moment. The GM was walking directly behind me the whole time. She saw my every step. She went around the room asking all the supervisors for their sales report from the weekend. She got to me. I told her I didn't have mine, I had just arrived and hadn't looked at the report yet. She rolled her eyes and said "hmmmmm." Everybody knows that I cannot stand this woman, so a few people chuckled and snickered because they knew I was boiling on the inside. I shrugged my shoulders with a smirk on my face and everybody started cracking up. She got all red in the face and had a look on her face as if she wished she'd never even called on me. Then she ignored me for the rest of the day. Acted like I didn't exist. Fine by me. I talked to one of my friends about it, a girl who used to work there but has since advanced and moved to another club. She said that the manager probably just doesn't care for my attitude most of the time...I'm laid back, nothing phases me, I'm not scared of her, and I don't play her games. Plus, I get smart with her on Facebook. There's been a handful of incidents in which she's said something sarcastic or something I didn't like on my wall or in response to a status update, and I've been really quick to say something slick back to her. I'm contemplating just removing her, but then I fear that my consequences will be worse. I should have never ever confirmed her friendship request.

Anyhow, that was how the day started. When I got to my department, I had 20 rolls of film sitting on the counter. My associates the day before hadn't done any of it. Hadn't even started it. Didn't even look like they attempted to start it. I was livid. Then, all day long, people just had serious attitudes. I kept a smile and just rolled with it. I got to work with my favorite associate (yeah, I play favorites like that) and he and I clowned around and had a semi-good time. However, despite the good time, we were still insanely busy. The lab was a complete and utter wreck, water filters had to be changed, just all sorts of shit hit the fan at once. I looked up and discovered that it was 5p, but there was no way that I could have just rolled out and left things in the state they were in. Plus, there are just some things that I know I should do myself...some things just can't be delegated. So I ended up staying until about 7:30. I may have stayed even later, but a particularly unhappy customer changed all that. This woman took it upon herself to let me know that I need to retrain my associates because they should have helped her crop her photos better. She began pointing to other customers placing their orders, asking me if they have a full understanding about how our software works and if not, I need to be out there educating them. When I offered to re-do her order for her, she told me that she didn't have time, she needed the prints right away, and that I must not understand that it's Christmas. I just looked at her, blank faced. She went on and on and on. I can't even remember all of what she said. It was how she spoke. It has been a really long time since I've been spoken to like that. I wanted to cry. In fact, I did when I got outside to my car. I believe full well that she would have spoken to a dog nicer. Even her daughter was looking at me sympathetically. I was glad that no one else was within earshot because I was embarrassed, I could feel my cheeks burning.

Anyhow, there were other aspects to my day that made it not so good as well. It was first day detoxing...blood sugar remained pretty low, stomach growled most of the day, and there were a lot of temptations. The demo ladies had bacon and ham and it was super difficult to walk past and not grab a piece. There was chocolate cake in the breakroom. I had to exercise a lot of self-control.

Things between the Lady and I are no more. Ended about 2 weeks ago. Everything started out great, but took a severe turn south, seemingly overnight. We began to argue. Disagree. Hurt each other's feelings. And this was only after pursuing romance for 2 months. Two months in, people should still be deep in the honeymoon phase, everything should still be all laughs and giggles, just good feelings. Shouldn't be any stress involved yet. Plus, I was convinced (and still am) that after awhile, my laid back, relaxed approach to life would have been a complete turn off to her. I'm extremely silly compared to her and anybody else she's ever dated. I laugh, joke, and play all day, which is all fine and good. But I felt bad some days when I knew she was working her ass off and really giving her job her all and she would ask me what I did all day and I would have nothing better to say than "talk shit and clown." I voiced those concerns to her on a few occasions and she reassured me that it was all fine and that there was so much more about me that she liked and whatnot. But just as I suspected, my way of doing things when I get ready, when the time feels right, didn't sit too well with her. There were a few things going on that needed my attention, but my sense of urgency about most things is low. This situation wasn't any different, I was content to just do things when I felt it was time and it caused tension that never quite went away. We agreed to lighten up and kind of take a step back, not be so serious. We were in two completely different books in terms of what that meant, no where near being on the same page. This resulted in her being extremely upset, losing sleep and whatnot. It was apparent to me at that point that we were definitely not on the same page, not even on the same bookshelf. Two days of not speaking at all, a few texts here and there, led her to ask me if we were still going to pursue anything romantic. I didn't think we should and I said that. She said that we couldn't be friends. And for the life of me, I can't remember if she said that we couldn't be friends right now or we couldn't be friends period. I can live with the fact that I lost out on a wonderful girl that very well could have given me the relationship of a lifetime, but what I'm struggling with is the loss of the friendship. We started out so kool, I developed a crush, so when she came to me and let me know that she liked me, I jumped at the chance because I had never really let my mind go there before, I thought she was way far outta my reach. But before all that, we were friends. She's an excellent listener, she understood me, she didn't judge me, she gave me perfect advice, she supported me. She listened to all my problems. I told her things about me that no one else on this earth knows. And now she's just gone. She's an excellent girl and I loved every minute of the last two months before things went sour, but it wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth our friendship. If I had any idea that things would have ended up with her not even wanting to be my friend, I never would have pursued anything with her...just told her no when she expressed her feelings to me. I feel like friendship is the best relationship you can have with a person and now I'm really missing out. Whoever she ends up dating next is in for a real treat because she's great, but I want her as my friend. She made it very clear that she didn't want any parts of me after I told her that the romantic part of our dealings was done....I was defriended on Facebook, unfollowed on Twitter, she's invisible to me on instant messenger. I'm probably going to wait until after the new year and perhaps try and contact her, maybe an email, and tell her personally that I miss her friendship and ask how long it'll take to get it back.

grind-ING

2009-12-20T20:31:00.002-05:00

I had to take a course yesterday and today to prepare for my life insurance license exam. It was completely mind-numbing. My brain is worthless right now. It was 8 hours each day. One-hour lunch break halfway through with a 5-10 minute break each hour. It's been almost 3 years since I graduated college and I haven't been in a classroom setting since. It was torture. To sit quietly and still for that long was really hard. My listening skills are off, my note-taking was funny, to keep my mind on task was super difficult. All in all, it was not a good weekend. But I'm one step closer, I can mark something off my list.

I hope to actually sit for my exam sometime soon. I have to study hard. We'll see how it goes. I'm considering getting back into college mode for the next week or so...waking up at 6 to look over notes and get some quick studying in. Not taking a moment in between activities...study, go to work, study, work out, study again, sleep. I've fallen into a really nice leisurely routine of just relaxing...if I feel like staring off into space with my eyes glazed over, I do it. When I get ready to work out, I get dressed and go. I sleep when I want to, wake up when I want to. That definitely was not my reality when I was in college. I'm about to get back into that "always on the move, always grinding" mindset. It's productive.

Tomorrow morning begins a detox. I need to cleanse my system and kind of kick-start my metabolism. I've been the same weight for 2 weeks, I've hit a plateau. So, for the next two weeks, minus Christmas, I'll be eating natural oatmeal, plain chicken, turkey, fish, fresh vegetables, fresh fruit, protein shakes, and drinking only distilled water. It should knock some weight off quickly. That's my hope.

ten things...

2009-12-19T22:56:00.002-05:00

Haven't felt much like blogging lately.

1. My mom still doesn't respect my feelings. We'll probably really fight soon.

2. My nephew is still precious. He eats like a piglet.

3. I bought 4 Christmas presents. 3 will be given. 1 got thrown in a drawer until I decide to either regift it or trash it.

4. My Colts are still the shit. 14-0 tastes pretty damn good.

5. Anonymous comments are dumb. Extra dumb when they aren't even true.

6. I've got 12 days left to sit on my ass and simply exist. 2010 is my year for a life change.

7. I'm halfway to my goal weight. It feels awesome.

8. More people than what I ever realized want to see me succeed in life and it's extra motivating.

9. 2009 has been an ugly year for me in a lot of ways, but the joy and peace I have now is wondrous.

10. I know what I'm getting for Christmas, but I have to wait until Christmas Eve for it and it's driving me crazy.

full of thanksgiving

2009-11-27T01:12:00.002-05:00

I experienced my first Thanksgiving without my father and lived to tell about it...

The day was kind of tough at spots, after the food was prayed over and we all sat down to eat, my mom pulled an empty chair out from the table, as if she was preparing a place for someone to sit. It was awkward in the same way that it was for her to have a tea setting next to my dad's recliner in the living room (which I noticed has disappeared...I ignored it, but I do wonder where it went and why...my mother got a new living room set, so I'm assuming the old recliner just didn't match...) Anyhow, no one sobbed or made a big deal out of anything, which I appreciated. We kept it lighthearted and joyful for the most part. My brother was plainly in some sort of mood...I'm not sure if it was sadness or irritation. He rolled his eyes on several instances throughout the afternoon...I'm not sure if his fiance had gotten on his nerves, or if he was hiding his sadness about my dad, if my mother was getting on his last nerve, if he was just irritated because dinner wasn't on the table until an hour and a half after it was supposed to be, or what. All of those things were kind of getting on my nerves honestly, but the Lady had kind of prepped me for it beforehand, reminding me to just be thankful for what and who I do have.

Speaking of being thankful, in the past I've always been able to rattle off a list of things that I'm thankful for while only mildly feeling truly thankful for it. But since losing my father, I have grown some genuine appreciation for people and things and the life that I live. I feel the pain that others feel when they comment about the holidays being bittersweet. I never truly tasted the bitter before this year. While my parents were divorced, I didn't love spending the holidays with one parent or another or having to divide up the time, but it was a piece of cake compared to this though. Some of my classmates from high school, a brother and sister pair, had to unplug their mother's life support this week...my heart went out to them in such a way that I didn't know was possible. I thought about them all day, along with everyone else I know that's missing a parent. I know that a lot of people were raised up with just one parent for various reasons, but I have a LOT of cousins that don't have a father in their lives. I always said that I was thankful for having both my parents with me and around me, but never felt it like this. It's one thing to have had to lay a parent to rest when you're a small child or to be adopted by a lifelong single woman, but it's quite another to have to just live with the fact that your father elected to not be in your life. I'm beyond thankful for the fact that my father was in my life from the moment it started and never once opted out. Too many people don't have that reality...

The Lady reminded me this morning to be thankful for the fact that I even have my mother and she's so right. I definitely am thankful for my mother. But she can sure work a nerve. I honestly feel like she isn't happy unless she's telling me to do something. Whether it's hand her this, go over there and grab her that, put this in there and then put that in here, bring her some coffee, clear the table, find the baby's pacifier, help load the car, hand her her purse, help wash dishes. Every time I turned around, she was ordering me around. And it's like that every single time I see her. I was in high school the last time I lived at her house, but it's like she forgets that I'm not 12....every time we're together, she just orders me around. I get tired of it. Her sense of humor is a lil more serious than mine is and sometimes I laugh directly in her face about something that she's said or done and she gets offended. It gets on my nerves because it's not with evil intent that I'm laughing. Either it's genuinely funny or it's just a joke...but she gets so serious about it. Like tonight...my brother accidentally left with my mother's car keys in his coat pocket. He discovered them and drove them back to her before she even realized they were missing. He gave us all a hug, then was like "I'm going to use the bathroom real quick before I go." He went to the restroom, then came back in the living room and said another round of goodbyes, then left the house for good. About 20 minutes later, I said something about him and my mom was like "be careful, he might hear you! He's in the bathroom!" as she nodded her head in the direction of the bathroom. My uncle and I just kind of looked at her, blank faces. She was tired, she's got a pretty decent level of stress in her life, and today was tough on us all...but she must have had some kind of serious memory lapse to have thought that he was still even at the house. She realized her error and I was like "ooooo you need an herbal supplement, your memory is goooone!" and laughed. My uncle laughed. My mom cut her eyes at both of us. It was a joke. Just playing around. But no, just so uptight all the time. She's very very stressed out right now. She's grieving my father, she's dating this new dude, she's dealing with the fact that my brother and I don't approve of her dating him and refuse to allow him to come to any events or anything, her siblings are in her ear telling her that it's her life to live and she's got to do what makes her happy, she's in college, my brother and his fiance expect my mother to be available to babysit a LOT, she owns and manages her business, she keeps her house spotless, she does all the wigs for the cancer society in our town, she's in NAACP, and she's active in her card club. I understand that it's a lot going on and she has every right to feel stretched in a lot of directions. I sympathize with her for that. But she explicitly told me the other day that she would wait until I tell her that I'd like to meet this new dude she's dating and that she won't try to time it or decide for me when it's okay to bring him around. But sure enough, this evening, she asked me if I thought I'd be ready to meet him by New Year's. I told her no and reminded her of what she said. I just couldn't believe it. It's one thing for friends and past loves to disrespect my feelings and hear me say one thing and then do the exact opposite, but it has some extra sting on it for my own mother to do it. And last weekend when I was home, I told her about the Lady. She just kind of nodded, didn't have anything to say. My mother is kind of childish in the fact that she'll often go tit for tat with a person. If you criticize her, she'll criticize you. I know that she didn't express any sort of interest or ask any questions or anything about who I'm talking to because I don't do that for who she's talking to. I'm not happy about who she's dating so she refuses to be happy about who I'm dating. It makes me sick, but that's her general attitude and it's been that way forever and I've seen her treat people like that over and over. I'm just generally unhappy with a lot of the ways in which she does things. But what am I going to do? She's my mother, I can't break up with her or just never call her again or keep her on text-only status or anything else you do with people that are purely optional in your life.

I need to work on my communication skills. This evening, the Lady and I had a communication breakdown that resulted in a long period of silence in which I was extremely confused and frustrated. Her being so kool about it helped diffuse it a lot, but I was still kind of salty, primarily at myself. The backstory is that there's a girl that added me on facebook one day and I wasn't sure who she was at all. We had some friends in common so I just figured that I knew her and just couldn't remember her, so I confirmed it. A few weeks later, she confessed that she'd come to my job several times in the past few months specifically to see my beautiful, personality-filled face but couldn't get up the nerve to approach me [stalker]. By this time, we'd become kool with one another, exchanging tweets and texts and whatnot and I didn't see much reason to terminate the budding friendship...it actually developed. She's on a serious weight loss journey just like I am and she's got a lot of good insight and advice, she's hilarious, and there was a night that I had car trouble and she offered to help me when no one else did and AAA was taking too long. Anyhow, she just broke up with her girlfriend last week and she invited me to dinner and a movie for Friday and the way in which she posed the question implied that she would be paying for the night. I agreed and told her we'd confirm details early Friday, but I knew that I needed to run it past the Lady first...I respect the hell out of her feelings and wanted her opinion on the situation. This girl is obviously physically attracted to me, fresh out of a relationship, and wants to take me out for a night of datish activities. When I ran it down to the Lady and asked her if she was comfortable with it, she replied yes but that I should pay for myself. I was surprised that she was more concerned about who paid for my half of the night than about the fact that we were out doing these date-like activities together, just the two of us, in the first place. Instead of just double-checking that she was indeed comfortable with my spending the time with her and making sure to let Stalker know that I would be paying for myself, my ass asked what it mattered who paid. The Lady and I do have some different opinions on payment, but I did understand her position and I respect how she feels about it. And again, instead of just expressing that, I had to say something else. I don't even remember what exactly I said, but I ended up talking us in a circle and said some asshole things. I said that if Stalker wants to take me out and pay for me and think that we're on a date, then it's no skin off my back. Her perception of events doesn't matter. Two seconds before that, I'd expressed how I told Stalker that she'd been a blessing to me because of the help she offered and some of the experiences we have in common as big girls trying to diet. And then had the nerve to get defensive and sulk when the Lady called me deceitful. (and she's so classy and wonderful that she didn't even actually call me deceitful, she didn't even do it in some accusing or derogatory way, she just simply stated that it wasn't acceptable to deceive Stalker if, in fact, Stalker thought we were on a date.) It's not funny, but sometimes I just have to laugh at myself. Obviously, I was dead wrong on two accounts (probably more): I should have just listened to what she said and kept it moving AND I shouldn't have made those dickhead comments about Stalker. I shouldn't discount anyone's feelings about anything....one, it's wrong, and two, I'm quick to be crying if anyone discounts my feelings. Lord knows I damn near act like the Civil Rights Act got overturned, like some sort of personal injustice was done to me if anyone hurts my feelings. I know I got a lot of nerve. Just all the way around, from the front to the back, I know I was really trippin. And the Lady is just so smooth, she didn't even get mad. She was so super kool. And I know that she knows that I was trippin. She was so nice about it. (Or just didn't wanna take the time to really break down for me all the ways that I was actin up.) She probably just rolled her eyes and shook her head and went to sleep, if she even paid me that much thought. She's definitely somethin' else, just as sweet and as she wants to be. I don't know what I did to get so lucky to have her in my corner, but I'm super thankful.

hurt feelings

2009-11-20T03:16:00.002-05:00

I just got home from the midnight premiere of New Moon, the second in the Twilight series. It was awesome and amazing, I loved every minute of it. I went with a friend and some coworkers. Pretty decent company, minus the ending where we all got up and filed out of the theater and bolted to our cars, never uttering a single word to one another or anything...kind of weird. Maybe because I'm a supervisor and they're not, they didn't feel real compelled to stand around and make small talk with me. Perhaps the time was the reason...it's after 2am and we'd all been yawning since 11:30. They possibly just figured that we'd certainly be talking about it at work, no reason to stand around in the cold and make commentary. Whatever their reasoning was, it was just strange to me. When you spend 4 long hours in a movie theater with someone (two hours before the showtime, then the movie), I just thought that "goodbye" or "see you tomorrow" or "peace" or just something was customary. I guess not?

Before the movie started, my friend (the only one who found me worthy of parting words) and I met for dinner. She told me that I should be glad that the Lady lives so far away because I deserved to have my ass kicked for what I said to her this afternoon. I insulted the hell out of her without even meaning to. I don't remember my exact words, but I made some sort of reference to her being a mentor and talking to kids about fashion and being too beautiful to be a teacher. Silly comments to have made. I intended them in the best ways, but they did not go across smoothly. As long as I've known her, she's been trying tirelessly to land a job doing magazine writing. She likes fashion. It's not a secret that she thoroughly enjoys both of those things. Within the past couple months, she's began speaking of teaching. I guess in my mind, teaching was just a last resort, something meaningful and honorable that would also earn her a salary. Great reasons to take a job. I just figured that if teaching was her dream, then she wouldn't have bothered so much with the fashion writing and magazine opportunities and whatnot. Based on the amount of time and effort she puts in, I figured that's where her heart was, the true passion. I didn't get that when she spoke of teaching. I'm not really sure why I elected to mention her looks when I spoke on this, I guess that was the ignorant thing. I could have just said exactly what I just typed and she probably would have understood my stance just fine. I know that I made the comment about mentoring children about fashion because we'd discussed earlier in the day our passions and goals and what motivates and drives us in life and she said that it's important to her to have a career that involves her interests. So, if she's fulfilled and gets a sense of purpose and accomplishment from mentoring children, but also loves fashion......it's plain to see that I just expressed it in a completely wrong way. I made it seem like all she's good for is fashion and magazines. Or like it's impossible for her to be so hot, but also have something to bring to a classroom or be able to impact a child's life in a positive way. I felt horrible when she let me know how bad it hurt her feelings. I don't think I've been that sorry in a long time. I felt like a piece of dog shit for insulting her, upsetting her, hurting her feelings, and making her feel devalued. There was a positive aspect to it all though: I gained awareness of two matters. At the end of me apologizing, I asked her if she felt like I didn't like her for her mind. She said that she knows I like her mind, but it's off balance because I definitely act like I am much more interested in her body most of the time. She gently called me out about it, let me know that I need to balance it out better. That was the second thing I learned. The first thing happened right after I insulted her. Like I said, I don't think I've ever been that sorry before. I've never cried over hurting someone's feelings before. As my eyes filled with tears while she told me how it made her feel, it hit me that I must CARE about this girl in a really big way. It just cut me so bad and I felt so horrible that I was the reason for her being unhappy. I honestly don't think I've ever been committed to anyone's happiness like that before, to the point that I'm gonna be the one crying when I'm not even the one that got her feelings shat on. It's deep.

Earlier this morning, we discussed our differing positions on work, career, and what truly matters to us in life. It made me really begin to think about the things that I need to do. Right now, the only real sense of personal satisfaction I get is from working out, losing weight, and talking to her. Not from my job. I always love my friends, but I'm not doing anything big in their lives or anything. What I've concluded is that I think I will begin looking into becoming a personal trainer. I can still lose weight, I can work out all day everyday, and help people change their lives in positive ways. My friend Elizabeth takes me with her to every dance audition she's ever gone on because I'm her biggest fan. I believe in her and I don't have a problem telling her and showing her. I've been told on countless occasions from friends that the only reason they did certain things was because I encouraged them to do it and believed in them. I guess it's safe to say that I'm good at motivating people on a personal level. Personal training would be great for me. An awesome side hustle for while I'm in graduate school, plus it would keep me focused on my own goals. Once I get my master's and can start practicing, I'd do both. I honestly feel that I would gain a sense of accomplishment, be fulfilled and full of joy in life by doing those things. Now, just to make a timeline and a plan...

I got into it with my mother this week. The dude that she's been dating for awhile now, much to the disgust of my brother and I, got invited to our family Christmas outing of dinner and a play. I was so hurt. Just this summer, my mother arranged for me to meet him. I declined and gave her all the reasoning...it's just too soon. It hurt so bad that she would just assume it was okay to have invited him without contacting me. It hurts that she would decide for herself that enough time had passed and just assume that it would be fine to bring him. It hurt that she was so insensitive. I hated that she would feel that smack dab in the middle of the first holiday season without my father would be a good time to bring a man around. I wanted to strangle her when she said that she already bought his ticket. I politely told her that I didn't care and it wasn't my problem that she didn't think to ask first. We went round and round, but she agreed to reneg on his invitation. She made me so sick talking about how nice he is, how everybody that meets him tells her not to let him go, how he makes her feel good and that's why she wanted him there. I had to give her a quick reminder that even though we're grown, my brother and I should still be top priority, and for the second time in her life, she's forgetting. Putting a man before us. I'm just glad dude's not going and I really hope my mother meant it when she told me that she wouldn't bring dude around until I told her I wanted to meet him. My brother and I agreed then that the day will never come, so she can just keep on dating him privately. I'm spending Saturday night in my hometown watching Christmas movies with my cousins and then my nephew, Damien, is spending the night with me at my mom's house. I can't wait, but I know how my mother is and I'm praying that she won't bring it up again or try to ask me to reconsider. If she insists upon bringing this dude, she'll still have wasted her money on a ticket because I will not show up.

just funky!

2009-11-11T14:02:00.002-05:00

I'm in a funk.

It started yesterday, or perhaps Monday night.

That night, one of my associates and I got into it. He made the comment "that's gay" and I about lost my mind. We went round and round. Without rehashing everything that was said, I definitely told him that he was ignorant, small-minded, homophobic, and that his reasoning for his beliefs was not okay. Now, I wouldn't want anybody telling me those things...and because I am his immediate supervisor, I was a bit nervous that he may tell on me to my higher-ups for attacking his character. He was definitely wrong in the first place, but in terms of corporate policy, I'm sure we were both wrong. I don't feel nervous about the situation any longer, but I'm not that excited about seeing him anytime soon though...

I miss the Lady. The weekend we spent together was fantastic and I did not want to leave. I feel so empty. Something is missing. We were inseparable for 4 days and it hurt to come home and be by myself again. I just want to be back with her. I ask myself if some part of me likes pain, there must be something about tough long distance situations that I like since I keep doing it. I don't like the women that I meet around Indianapolis, but is there something inside me that doesn't really want a relationship? Do I not really want to deal with someone full time? Do I want somebody to talk to, somebody close to me....but not really want to put in the time, effort, and energy? Do I like missing somebody all the time? Do I like being forced to travel to spend time? Why do I keep doing this to myself? There's gotta be a reason that I keep forming these attachments to women that live 600 miles away. It hurts. "This is nothing to you, you're used to leaving," the Lady said to me as we walked back to our hotel from having lunch before my flight. I didn't agree fully, it definitely wasn't nothing to me. However, I couldn't argue with the fact that I'm used to leaving. I am. It doesn't mean that it's ever easy. Just that I've gotten used to it. It sucks each time. However, it's never lingered for three days before. I mean, I really feel awful. It's always been painful, but I guess I'm pulling up to a point where I'm not willing to keep leaving...

I'm still hurting over some of the things that happened between Shanee and I. Some of the things she said to me, some of the things that took place, the way I felt a good deal of the time. When it was good, it was good. But there were definite blocks of time in which I was not happy. And I feel weak as an individual to have withstood and put up with some of the ways she would treat me. It hit me yesterday that I haven't cried in over a month. Not a single tear. And it feels great! It doesn't feel too great though to look back and think about all the time that I did spend crying. Even though so much has gone on, it's really only been a few weeks since I ended that relationship. I was so mad at Shanee when I ended it and then immediately so happy about what was developing between the Lady and I and it's like my emotions are just now evening back out. I wouldn't go back and change a single bit of it, but it's like my emotions are flat from not having a good fight, or being hurt to the point of tears every week or so. I'm so used to sub-par treatment that I almost don't know how to act now that I'm not having to ask to be treated the way I want. I'm being treated exactly the way I always wanted to and I almost don't know how to receive it. That fact saddens me. Another fact also saddens me...that I could love somebody so much, to the point of near stupidity (it was stupid how deep for her my feelings went), and they just not feel that for me. Right or wrong, good or bad...I loved that girl more than I loved myself. And maybe it isn't her fault, but she just did not feel that for me. I was not her first priority, she easily put other people and things ahead of me. I wasn't her whole life like she was mine. I'm still trying to get over that, work through those feelings. As the anger fades away, all that's left is sadness over our relationship. And honestly, I'd rather just be mad...it's easier.

I've been eating junk and not exercising for 9 days. It ends tomorrow. I said that yesterday. But I mean it today. Tomorrow, I will go to the grocery and get good foods again and start back at the gym. That's probably half of the problem...why do I expect to feel well when I'm trashing my body? Speaking of my body, for the past 2 days, I've also felt like there was a cold or some kind of sickness brewing. I've been really sleepy with a runny nose. I had a ticklish throat yesterday as well.

I'm sure that I will feel fine again, just give it a lil time...

don't come out until you've shat

2009-11-08T21:50:00.003-05:00

"you're leavin on a jet plane..."

"if you leave, then baby i'll leave..."

"don't leave me girl, please stay with me foreverrrr..."

"i'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gonna shed no tears, i'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry cuz you ARE worth my tears..."

"you're my baby, my love my lady, all night you make want you, it drives me crazy..."

All these songs, with the lyrics all wrong, with the totally wrong meanings, were sung to me, complete with off-beat clapping, on the train as I made my way back to the airport to come back home...

It was a glorious weekend. From the moment I arrived until the moment I left...absolutely glorious. The Lady came to meet me at the airport...and the moment I saw her, my face broke out into the world's biggest smile. And it pretty much stayed. I wrapped her up into a hug and tried to not let go.

It was so good to get to see her. I'd seen her before, but when I saw her, she was just a pretty girl that I had a crush on. I wouldn't let myself look too deeply into her eyes, I wouldn't let myself stare too closely at her body, I definitely made sure to not let any hugs linger. But to see her after feelings had been laid on the table, after all the conversation, after all the anticipation, after lusting after her for the past few weeks...it was just really great to be in her presence with no holding back, no trying to act like she's not special.

She took me to see The Lion King. It was magical. The first scene, when all the animals come down the aisles, was wondrous. I was in awe. I sat there with my eyes all lit up and a gaping smile, like a child. All I could keep saying was "this is so kooooool." There were some points at which I think I actually had goosebumps, all the songs and whatnot were way more powerful in person. And I had completely forgot that there was a death of a father in that story, so it tugged at my heart at some points, but it was an excellent experience. The Lady got us excellent seats. It meant a lot to me that out of all the plays that were running this weekend, she agreed to take me to the Lion King even though she's seen it thrice already. She said it was important to her to be with me the first time I saw it. She knew it was something to behold and she wanted to be the one to give me that experience. I like that she doesn't have a problem being sentimental and she doesn't hide it.

Over the course of the weekend, she also showed me some other things. She took me to a Moroccan restaurant, something I've never experienced. It was excellent food. She took me to a Caribbean restaurant and I tried oxtails. I wasn't a huge fan of the oxtails, but I will definitely try them again. I told her that as long as she fries plaintains, I'll deal with any amount of oxtails. I've been to New York before, but never Brooklyn. I now see why they say that Brooklyn is the real New York. We also went to the Museum of Sex. It was fun. Informative. It really was educational and interesting...not as stimulating or saturated with excitement like I had assumed it would be. At one point, after reading an entire wall of the history of porn, I even asked "can we go ahead to the interesting parts now?" I'm glad I went though.

She showed me other things too...things far more important than any restaurant. I saw parts of her that I knew existed, but I didn't know how important they were to me. I didn't know that I would respond the way I did when I saw them. For instance, we saw some Remy Martin ads on the train...she went off. It was similar to a sociology or a social psychology class the way she picked the ads apart. Pointed out things I never would have dreamed of. Her reaction was super intense, in a good way. She completely turned me on with the passion in her voice, the emotion in her eyes. All I could do was look at her with a smirk as my insides heated up. There were similar moments when we discussed cohabitation, loved ones working in the adult film industry, the things people consider for monetary gain, relationships, just everything. She has strong opinions on a lot of things that I'm not sure I even have an opinion on. She says things that really make me think. What I love is that even though we have some completely different ways of thinking, there's never any judging or disrespect. Anyhow, I could feel myself becoming more and more attracted to her each time she revealed her thoughts to me about something. There are other things that also made me like her even more. Her sense of humor is different than mine...I'm extremely silly compared to her. But there were times when I found myself cracking up at something she'd said, or the way she said it. Just tickled, plain and simple. The best part is that she didn't know it was funny, she would just kind of smile as I rolled with laughter...to me, the best humor is unintentional. She is supremely affectionate, very gentle and loving. Everything was "yes baby" or "no baby" and "whatever you want baby" or "sure baby." I eat that shit up. I love being talked to like that. She's so caring and nurturing too...looking out for me and my comfort at every turn. Serving me coffee, bringing me a donut, making sure I had plenty of q-tips...and not just when things were good. I was officially constipated for the entire weekend and after she handed me my cell phone, poured me a glass of water, and ushered me into the bathroom, she told me, "take your time sweetie and don't come out until you've shat." Another of those moments that I was dying with laughter, but also feeling warm on the inside...

Everything I wanted out of the weekend, I got. Everything I wondered about, got answered. Everything I thought, I got it confirmed. She's great. She's sweet. She's a real lady. She respects me. She let me know that there's things about me that she appreciates that I wasn't aware of. She told me previously that she hates rats and we saw one that was almost a foot long on the subway platform. She almost climbed my body trying to get away from it. I didn't wanna laugh too hard or make her feel dumb, but it was kind of comical. It was definitely gross though. Anyhow, the weekend was more than I could ask for. I came home some kind of happy. I'm extremely excited for whatever is in store for us!

when conversation gets weird

2009-10-31T20:04:00.003-04:00

I'm bored, lonely, and exhausted.

I'm bored because I elected to not do anything tonight. I had originally planned to attend a haunted house with a friend and some of her other friends. Now, me and this friend have a brief sexual history...we got completely wasted (like, white boy wasted) one night about 6 months ago, and had sex. Just one time, she was probably only in my apartment for all of an hour. It never happened again, there's no sexual tension between us, and I'm not attracted to her. But last week when we made plans to attend the haunted house, the conversation got a little weird. She said that we were drinking. I agreed. She told me that I was not going to just drink beer, which is my usual. I agreed to take a shot or two. She said no, more than that. It made me pause. Why was she so pressed about me drinking? The moment she said it, the time we had sex came rushing back to me...she had forced me to drink very heavily that night. Of course, she didn't hold a gun to my head and make me drink anything...but she was definitely buying me lots of drinks....and after awhile, it was just pure vodka that she was handing me. Anyhow, it struck me as peculiar that she would suddenly, after all this time, be concerned a week in advance about me drinking hard liquor and not just a little bit of it. She obviously wanted me drunk. I became uncomfortable. I spoke about it to the Lady (good name for the woman in NYC who just kills me with how classy she is?! i think so!) and decided that it was best to not even test the situation. It's in my best interest to not be hanging around somebody, drunk, when I get the strong vibe that they have something up their sleeve.

Reason 2 for boredom...

While I was at work today, one of my coworkers and I were texting. She works an extremely early shift and I only saw her briefly and I kind of noticed that she wasn't as happy or friendly as she usually is, but the Lady was thick on my mind (as per usual), so I didn't think much of it. When she began texting me, she let me know that she and her girlfriend had broken up earlier this morning and that she was pretty upset about it. She asked me what I was doing tonight and I told her nothing. Then the thought came to me that it would be kool for the two of us to go to the movies or something since I didn't have any plans and she would probably benefit from not sitting around alone all night. So, as soon as I texted my idea to her, the conversation got a little weird. She asked me, "as a lesbian, what do you think about when you look at me?" I responded honestly. "Nothing really, a tomboy." That's what she is. She said "oh okay, I'm going to stop talking before I embarrass myself." I was thrown off. She then tried to salvage things by asking how my girlfriend-to-be is doing and I didn't hold back when telling her how good she is and how I'm so into her. It felt kind of insensitive to gush about my situation when her relationship just fell apart hours earlier, but I didn't want there to be any mixed signals. After that, all thoughts of going to the movies with her completely vanished.

I'm lonely, partly because of the boredom and partly because I'm in one of those moods where only certain company and conversation will suffice. I wanna talk to the Lady and no one else. I'm in one of those moods to not discuss football, rap music, the media, whatever....I wanna talk about life, love, relationships, and the things that really matter in life. I wanna speak in soft voices. I wanna feel my insides heat up. I wanna smile to myself at the sound of her voice. I wanna linger on the phone well past the point of exhaustion. I wanna stare into her eyes via video chat. I wanna watch her smirk and smile and flare her nostrils in reaction to whatever I'm talking about. I want to quietly admit little things that I find adorable about her. I want to whine and resist going to sleep when she tries to put me to bed. Basically, I want to cake. But she's unavailable until later...

The exhaustion comes because we definitely spent all of last night on the telephone doing everything I've just mentioned. A day of work on very little sleep leaves me tired. Plus, my upper body is fried...the entire length of both arms is super sore, my shoulders are sore, my back is sore, my damn armpits are sore. And my right knee is not feeling very good either. I'm doing my thang at the gym and I'm getting my results, but it definitely comes with a price.

Hot tea and a book will probably round out my evening just fine though!

bein' true to myself

2009-10-21T21:28:00.003-04:00

I received an angry letter in the mail yesterday. From Shanee. Detailing how foul, sloppy, and trifling my actions were. We texted about it today (she will not talk to me) and she let me know that I had been emotionally cheating for months. And even took her with me to meet my emotional mistress. They say that emotional cheating is the worst kind. She felt that I should have just told her flat-out that I had a growing interest for someone else, not harbored those feelings. She didn't actually say so, but I imagine that she feels played for a fool. I suppose, as a human, it was very easy for me to not see it that way. But the fact that she took the time, in 2009, to actually use an ink pen and 4 sheets of college-ruled loose leaf paper means that she felt that very deeply. I was upset to see that she thought so low of me. Even though she has made me feel like complete and utter shit a trillion times in the last six months, heartache is never something I would have wished on her. When I first read the letter, my stomach sank, I wanted to vomit, and I just generally felt like a piece of shit. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that well last night. Then, today, I was just flat-out angry about it. How dare she write a letter? She never took the time, energy, or effort to write me a 4-page letter about anything positive, but she sure found it within herself to put the work into writing me to let me know how foul I am. But even as I was angry, I still felt bad. Deep down, my soul was not okay. So, I did what I was raised to do. I did what I KNOW was the right thing. I gave her a genuine apology. For hurting her feelings. For causing her to feel disrespected. I acknowledged and took ownership of the fact that I caused her grief. And even though the response I got was "whatever, enjoy life," I felt a trillion times better. My stomach felt normal again. I felt free. Regardless of how bad she may have treated me at times and how many times I never got a genuine apology from her, I did the good and decent thing and apologized. And I meant the hell out of it. She doesn't have to accept it and I have the feeling that she wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire, but I can move forward knowing that I did the right thing.

The relief was sweetened by an awesome workout. My gym is running a deal, $14.99 a month with no contract. So, people are signing up by the tons. Every single time I'm there, there's at least 15 people waiting to talk to a consultant. Anyhow, I noticed a girl that used to be a patron at my job. One day, she cursed at me and was extremely rude to me over a situation that was not my fault by any means. But, being that she's the customer, I couldn't say shit back to her without probably losing my job. So, I burned with anger and just stood there. A month later, she came in and I tried to just ignore her. But she approached me and gave me a genuine apology, told me that she was super sorry for how she'd acted and told me that there was no excuse for what she did, she'd been having a bad day and took it out on me. I gave her a blank face and kind of mumbled, "ok." I've seen her a few times since then and I still opt to just ignore the hell out of her. I saw her at the movies on Saturday and walked right past her like I didn't see her. I saw her looking at me in my peripheral. But today when I saw her at the gym, I waved and smiled. She broke into a huge grin and waved back. It was like I gave an unspoken "i forgive you." It felt awesome.

I guess today was just back to back lessons for me in terms of how to do your very best to make situations as positive as you can. Regardless of whether I'm right or wrong initially, regardless of whether or not I deserve how people treat me, if I ultimately stand up and do what I know is right, then I always end up happy..

I'm the luckiest...

2009-10-16T00:55:00.003-04:00

Ha, I reached 100 posts and wasn't even aware...besides being a nice outlet to record my thoughts and perception of events, these 102 posts have also served another purpose...

I had no idea whatsoever, but someone was becoming intrigued by me based on what I was writing here. She says that my sincerity and willingness to lay my emotions out was attractive to her, unbeknownst to me. We interacted via blog for months and then began communicating in other ways. Twitter and AIM can do great things for the communication between two people. We became fast friends. Good friends. We would genuinely look out for one another, encourage one another, listen to one another vent about big things and bullshit alike, give one another advice, console one another, just really provide moral support to one another. Soon enough, when I had a problem or something happened, she was the first person I wanted to discuss it with...

I found myself with a crush on this girl. I knew she was different than most women her age (she's a bit younger in terms of chronological age) and even most women my age. I knew she was a kool girl with a good head on her shoulders. Extremely attractive. Very genuine in everything she said. Very sensible. Very in tune with my feelings. The more we communicated, the more I knew she was somethin' special...and even had everything I thought about her confirmed one weekend. We met and hung out...saw a movie, ate some awesome red velvet cupcakes, and spent a night bar-hopping. She was just as special in person. But I was still very much in a relationship and trying my damndest to be committed to that relationship...plus, I didn't think I had a chance with her anyhow. Thought to myself, "no way she'd be into me."

I was so wrong...

Lo and behold, my ass has a chance!

And on November 5, I'm flying to New York City to take my chance!

She's just special. Everything about her. We have the same values, the same priorities, we want the same things out of life and out of a relationship. She's gorgeous. She's sweet. I've met a million women, but this is the first time I can honestly say that I've had the pleasure of getting to know a lady. She's a true lady. She's classy, graceful, stylish, elegant, has standards for herself and how she carries herself, she knows how to act, she thinks before she speaks, and everything she says and does is with the highest degree of taste. After everything I've gone through, how I've been treated, and the coarse women I encounter around here, she is most definitely a breath of fresh air. I can't wait to see what we can turn into.

I'm not completely crazy though, I haven't lost touch with reality. I know that things are still very much in the beginning phases. It could go either way, anything could happen. And yes, I just got out of a relationship. I'm fine. I'm doing quite well with putting it behind me and moving forward. I just feel like I finally have a chance to truly have everything I've ever dreamed about having in a woman. We have a lot to offer one another, I can see us being a real nice couple. Things just feel so different with her, they just feel right. In the past, I've been scared as hell to see my feelings grow this fast. But I am perfectly at ease with this situation. And even though I don't truly believe that anybody qualifies as an expert when it comes to relationships, I have a few friends that have been in long-term, healthy, happy partnerships for years and I'll take their word that feeling completely comfortable is a surefire sign that it's right. God said Fear Not, but I believe He gave us good sense to feel a need to hesitate or be scared about things that aren't right for us.

It's time for me to take it down for the night...

the way things work out

2009-10-11T12:31:00.003-04:00

You ever felt somethin on the inside and knew exactly what it was, just wasn't in the position to do anything about it?

Ever wanted somethin really bad, but it just wouldn't even be right to go after it?

Ever desired something, but for various reasons, just knew it wasn't for you and you couldn't have it? And maybe that has more to do with why you didn't pursue it?

Life has a funny way of working things out.

I'm in the position now.

It's right to go after it, there's nothing holding me back.

And I know, without doubt, that it's for me. I can have it.

destiny and babies and shanee and bilal

2009-10-08T00:40:00.002-04:00

Some news...

My cousin, Destiny, has been missing for 3 weeks now. She's 14. She is bad as hell. There's no other way to put it...she's a terror. She was adopted when she was a newborn and she was born crack-addicted. I don't know whether her genes and her environment in the womb is to blame or the fact that she's also the product of very lax parenting. The girl has 5 ipods and gets whatever she wants and there's never any consequences to any of her actions. But anyhow, she has been nothing but trouble for a few years now. And last month, her probation officer recommended that she spend a month at the Indiana Girls' School to be evaluated. She asked if it could be on an outpatient basis. They said no, she would need to sleep there. So, she ran away. She's still in our hometown, and she emails her mother every so often to say that she's safe and not to worry. But she absolutely refuses to come home and she will not give a single clue as to her whereabouts. My mom said it's really sad...posters all over the place. My mom took her mom to the movies last week, just for something to do, to get her out of the house for a little while. Her parents are beside themselves over it. Her brothers are very sad about it as well. My mom said that people around town spot her, but by the time they alert the police, she's long gone. Somebody needs to just stop her and do some citizen's arrest type shit or something. The general belief is that she's got some much older boyfriend or something that she's staying with. I know it can't be another 14 year old that she's staying with...that person's parents would deserve to be tarred and feathered for stowing a runaway.

My mom told me last night on the phone that she's been having dreams about me having a baby. I told her that I wasn't getting pregnant. And I'm so serious about it. She kept asking me if I had any desire or any urge to have a baby at all and I had to tell her that the honest truth is no. I feel like my life will be perfectly complete without having a person in my uterus. I don't need to do that to validate my purpose and existence as a woman. She was like "well, even if you don't actually get pregnant and have a baby, do you want to raise kids?" I agreed that yes, I wouldn't mind raising some children. If my future partner wants to get pregnant, then great, I'll be more than happy to raise a family that way. What would be really nice is if we used my eggs...that way she would literally have my baby. I do think it would be nice to actually look into the face of a child and see myself. I just don't want to actually be pregnant. My mom then began mentioning my age and how I'd better get to work. She said that in her dream, she knew who donated the sperm. It was a boy whose hair she used to cut...he's now a semi-pro football player. She said that I should keep him in mind when I decide I'd like to acquire some sperm. Precious baby Damien has gotten inside her head and now she wants several grandbabies. It's kind of crazy to me that she wants another grandbaby that bad to suggest I have a baby right now. Who just requests that their single daughter have a baby?! I don't condone single parenthood. Studies show that children are better off with a 2-parent home. But aside from how the child is going to turn out, I don't condone it simply for the fact that it stresses the single parent completely out. So why on earth would she suggest that I willingly enter into that situation? I told her she should adopt a baby since she just wants one in her arms at all times.

Shanee is not taking this breakup very well. Not by any means. It's obvious that she is hurting. She keeps texting me to ask why and if it's forever and so on. I politely answer her questions and give her all the reasoning. Twice, she's wished me well and tried to accept it. I hope that today she really meant it. I hate that she's hurting, but I honestly don't know what to tell her. She keeps trying to tell me that I don't understand the fact that she'll never move on. I told her that she must not understand how bad she was hurting me. I guess it's typical in a breakup for the person who wasn't acting right to suddenly be able to dig deep and put forth all sorts of effort after the fact when it's too late. It's just crazy to me. I swear she didn't care this much two weeks ago. All the time and energy she's put in to trying to convince me to give her another shot would have been well spent months ago. It's just not worth much at this point in the game. I've told her this in every polite and borderline impolite way I can think of. I've tried to convince her that it will get easier as time goes by. She will press on and all will be well. She doesn't believe me.

I dreamed all night last night and woke up feeling like I hadn't been asleep. As if I was just laying there thinking. Like I'd been busy all night or something. Just woke up tired. So when I got off work, I came home and went into a lightweight coma. Slept hard, flat on my back. That never happens. So I'm super awake right now. Listening to Bilal. Nothin makes me happier than music from when I was younger. It's associated purely with good memories.

homie don't play dat

2009-10-05T14:17:00.003-04:00

"...my heart just has to be sure that the love that I give to you, that's the love I get from you. I need to be safe and secure. Hey hey, just let me know you're thinkin about me." - Mary J. Blige on that T.I. track, "Remember Me"

My heart wasn't sure. I'm most certain that the love that I was giving was not the love that I was getting. I needed to be safe and I needed to be secure. I was not. Not many motions were made to let me know I was being thought of.

I wasn't treated as if I was special. I believe I was taken for granted. I believe I deserved more than what I was being offered. I wasn't given the attention and treatment that I desired. No amount of conversation could fix it. It doesn't matter how much I love someone...if they just can't or won't treat me the way I need to be treated, then it's time to move on. I put her first in everything I do and I deserve the same. My feelings run deep and there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her...but enough is enough.

The relationship has been rocky, she let me down at the worst possible time, and I know that I am better than how she wanted to do me. Every 3-4 days, it was something. On their own, they wouldn't be huge problems. But when I stack it all up and really take a look at it, it isn't worth it. She can be downright rude sometimes, just plain disrespectful, not mindful of her actions or behaviors and how they affect me. The last straw was last week. She was irritated at me for something, and instead of addressing it with me like an adult to find out why I did what I did, she elected to ignore me for a whole day. In the words of my favorite clown: HOMIE DON'T PLAY DAT! To set the whole thing off, I was actually still going to think about it for a few days before I made a decision, despite being completely turned off and unhappy. I expressed my negative feelings to her. Late that night, she wanted to know if we were still together. Upon me telling her that I didn't know...she said "It's yes or no." A test? Okay. NO!

It's sad to see something that I put so much time and energy and emotion into end.

But I feel frreeee!

I'm alright. I'm just glad that I finally mustered up the strength to declare myself better than that. I've been in an altered state of mind since my father passed, deservedly and understandably so. A touch of depression, some anxiety. I've had chronic chest pains for the last 2-3 months. Worrying about that relationship was not helping anything, by any means. I am glad that I am beginning to get over the blues and the anxiety and glad to have that stress, literally, off my chest.

We'll be friends, for sure. She can't be close with me right now, but in time, I'm certain that we'll be kool with one another. And as for loneliness and being sad about the breakup, I'm not worried. Love will make itself known again in my life, no doubt.

my blog lives...

2009-09-25T15:06:00.002-04:00

My friend Ashley has been my friend since we were in the same 4th grade class together. She texted me this morning, in distress, wanting to know what had happened to my blog. So, I figured I would take some time this afternoon to breathe a little life into it.

I spent my 26th birthday out in DC with Shanee. I had so much fun. I'm not sure how exciting it was for her, she was born and raised there...but I think she enjoyed showing me so many things. She took me to the Redskins-Steelers preseason game, which was great. We went on a night tour of DC. We went to King's Dominion in VA. It had been a really long time since I rode any roller coasters, but it was a lot of fun. We ate and ate and ate, I had ice cream every single day. It was my first birthday since my dad died, so it was bound to be difficult, and it was. Just couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't receive all the birthday calls I was supposed to have gotten. It was nice being with Shanee though. As much as it drives me crazy how nonchalant she is and how she's so non-emotional, it definitely serves its purpose. Being around someone who does not dwell on the negative things and who refuses to spend time thinking about the past and is always focused on forward progression is a nice thing at times. Plus, she's funny. She cracks me up completely, so it's hard to feel too bad when she made it her business to make sure I was smiling the whole week. We definitely got good and into it a few times, but nothin irreparable.

The past couple weeks have been extremely rocky for the two of us. I went and saw the new Tyler Perry movie, and it basically ripped open all the emotional wounds that I thought were healing. The death of a parent cut me deep, for obvious reasons. Then the portrayal of how she was treated by her "boyfriend" just made it worse because my girl didn't support me much at all during my father's passing. It hurt all over again. Just watching it was enough to make me feel so bad, all over again. It's like it unleashed all the anger and resentment and ill feelings I had for her all over again. I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm not really over how she treated me. I kind of wonder if I ever will be. I'll probably never forget some of the things she said, how she acted towards me. It was all so selfish. Just downright cold and insensitive at times. She has apologized for it twelve million times and I've said plenty of hateful and evil things to her that didn't make me feel better, not a single ounce. I've told her that I accept her apology, but it's like I'm not sure how to truly forgive her and put it behind us. And now, every single thing that takes place is stained by how she treated me during March/April. Almost 7 months later and I still don't know how to just move on from it. In my mind, I'm truly convinced that no matter how many times she apologizes, says she wasn't thinking clearly, will never do it again, so on and so forth....she's already shown me that she doesn't care about me, she doesn't love me, she isn't supportive, I can't rely on her, and that I shouldn't be with her. With all that being worked around in my head, every little thing that happens turns into a huge ordeal because I'm ready to break up at every turn. I just feel very torn and confused. We've talked about it and talked about it and it doesn't get much better. I'm not sure what else to really do about it. I love her enough to keep working at it, but she's got one more time to hurt me until we're done forever.

My workout plan is going well. I'm still meeting my goals, the best that I can with my cheat days thrown in. I'm definitely going to have to stop doing those...they surely impede progress. I can tell a difference when I've been eating bad. It doesn't take much of a cheat to make a difference either. I don't plan to completely deprive myself, but way more restriction and control will be practiced. A girl I met recently told me something that made good sense...the weight will come off, but even once I've reached my goal, the pizzas and ice cream and other crap will still be there and chances are, I'm not going to want it then. So true!

I got cable a few weeks ago. I haven't had cable in my house in 8 years. And I am completely addicted to tv now. It's quite unfortunate. I am so seduced by all sorts of tv...news, reality shows, dramas, comedies...all of it. I never thought I would be so into things like Supernanny and Wife Swap. I completely love not having to go to a bar or restaurant to watch football as well, I can just watch from the comfort of my own couch. It's great! Shanee asked me a couple weeks ago though, "what happened to the book-loving Erika I used to know?" And it really struck me that I don't read at all anymore. Ever since I got cable, I don't blog, I don't read books, I don't read blogs....I just stare at the TV with my eyes glazed over. It's kind of sad.

I'm getting my future worked out. I'll post the plans in detail when I have some confirmations!

Another weekend is here and I'm not sure what to do with it. Sleep? Watch tv?! Go see a movie? Take a book to Starbucks? Hit the club?

finally, the fair

2009-08-16T20:40:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a glorious day. I slept until after noon, played on the computer almost the whole day, video chatted with the girlfriend, just had a nice afternoon. (If it hasn't been obvious to anyone, I've been in a funk for about two weeks, perhaps longer. Just funky.) I'm happy to say that my chin is back up, my spirits are high, and I'm ready to be more than just "blah" all the time. I actually enjoy time to myself, I don't drive myself crazy if I'm alone or without activity for more than a few hours. I'm an extrovert by nature, so when I'm feeling unhappy, it's double hard to just sit alone. Now I'm back to being able to handle it and be comfortable with it.

That evening, I went out to eat with a friend, Lizzy. Another of our friends was supposed to come with us, but she ended up having other obligations. We ate at Olive Garden, went to Trader Joe's in search of this particular wine, went to Cold Stone, then Dave and Buster's. We were driving along and Lizzy was looking at the stores and buildings we were passing and I guess her eyes didn't focus properly because she was like "What's Dave and Jamiyah's?" So that's what we called Dave and Buster's for the rest of the night. It was hilarious.

When we were done winning all our tickets, we parted ways. As we were leaving, another friend invited me to TGI Friday's. I went for lack of anything better to do. It was her and her friend Nisha. Nisha is really nice, every man that sees her tries to get on, she's cute. We've met on a trillion occasions. The friend that we have in common seems to always invite the two of us to do things, so we've hung out a million times. But I get the feeling that this girl does not want to be my friend outside of the mutual friendship that we have. I don't know if it's just because I don't strike her as cool enough or funny enough or I just don't seem like the type of person that she gets close to. Or if she doesn't feel comfortable befriending a lesbian. I don't know what it is. But she definitely holds me at arm's length. We were all planning a road trip once and I told them that I would look up hotel information and text it. I looked at her and said, "I don't have your number.." and she replied, "no, you don't." And looked at me. She wasn't going to give it either, obviously. In my head, I was like, "oh.." It was a bit odd for the next 10 minutes or so. It isn't like I only met her last month...I've known her for three years. We hold conversation. Our friend was on the phone last night for awhile and she and I carried on a decent conversation. When we had went to the casino a few weeks ago, our friend sat at the roulette table for about 2-3 hours and her and I walked around together and played the slot machines and had a good time. Or so I thought. She obviously doesn't want me contacting her though and I guess I have to respect that, but it's kind of weird.

I finally got to go to the fair today. One of my friends from freshmen year of college came in town and wanted to go, so I jumped at the opportunity. I've wanted to go since it started, but no one has been willing to go with me. Excuses range from they've already been, it's too hot, they don't like the fair, they aren't comfortable there without having a child with them...just anything. I remarked to Shanee that it's kind of sad that I had to wait for someone from out of town to go with me. None of my friends here would go. I respect and understand that sometimes people just don't want to do things, so they won't. But if these same people contact me and ask me to go somewhere or do something, I typically do it. Simply because they asked. It wasn't going to hurt anyone to go twice, or to sweat a little, or to smile and make the best of it, or just get over the fact that they're an adult who came to the fair and not just purely for the amusement of a child. I'm not asking for anything expensive. I'm not suggesting that we go somewhere far away or extremely time-consuming. The fair is a pretty decent racial mix and all different kinds of people go, so it's not expecting anyone to step into some environment where they'd be the only one or something [not that there's anything wrong with that, I do it all the time]. I'm not suggesting a rare cuisine...there's food at the fair for everyone. There's all different types of music. I don't care much for the livestock, so we wouldn't have to go near the stinky barns. Basically, what it comes down to, is that I feel like it's shitty that the one time I want to do something that isn't the same old shit we always do, no one is down for it. It was so simple, just the state fair. I'm cool with a few people who pretty much do everything on their own because they can't rely on anyone else. I am about to seriously try my damndest to adopt that attitude. If no one is down to go somewhere that I want to go, I'll just go alone. That's hard for me because I typically feel that 75% of an experience is the company you're with. That's what sets things off, that's what makes things for me. But I will definitely find some sort of middle ground that I'm comfortable with because I won't miss anything else due to lack of someone to go with. Shanee always tells me that if she were here, she'd go with me. I know that it's true because when we're together, I'm always wanting to do something that she has zero interest in, but she smiles and does it anyway because I want to. That's what girlfriends do. So maybe I won't have to be in that situation much longer anyhow...

Well, it's only 10 and I am seriously considering going to bed already...

my brother doesn't like me

2009-08-13T22:15:00.002-04:00

I got a massage this evening. It was glorious. I'm so excited to get more. One bad thing did happen though; the masseuse sneezed on my legs. Not blatantly....but I felt a slight spray.

One of my friends is in town with his wife. I love 'em both, they're great people...but I am a little irritated. More like hurt. They came in town on the 5th. I didn't find out until the 11th. And not from them, I heard it through a mutual friend who also didn't know, she ran into them at a party. I texted him. He didn't seem too concerned about the fact that he hadn't contacted me. I decided to give the benefit of the doubt and try to hang out with him that night. He asked if I wanted to go for coffee at 11. I had to remind him of where he was...Starbucks in Indianapolis closes at 10...and 11 was too late anyhow. So he asked if they could just come over. I agreed, told them to come at 9ish. At 10:30, the phone rang and he was asking if I still wanted company. Um, no. Then today...at 7:15 he told me he'd call me in an hour. He called at 10:30 again. Again, no. This time I reminded him that I'm not in college anymore and I don't just serve tables part time. I cannot just stay up all night like I used to. I work full time and work out 10 hours a week...I have to sleep at night. We have lunch plans tomorrow and I hope he doesn't fuck them up. I'm annoyed that twice he has completely disregarded what I've said to him. If he shits on our plans tomorrow, I'm not even sure that it's worth really talking about with him...

I was upset yesterday because I was talking to my brother and he mentioned that he and his fiance brought the baby to the city last weekend. He was like "we thought about ya!" My jaw hit the floor. "You didn't call me?!" He, too, wasn't too concerned about the fact that he came into town and didn't bother to say shit to me. I understand that people don't come in town specifically to see me, but would it be too awful to let me know...perhaps try and meet for lunch or something? Then he made it worse when he said that he's coming again this weekend to have dinner with our cousin and was like, "do you wanna go have a drink or something when we're done?" I was like "whoa, so I'm not invited to dinner?" He was like "oh yeah, sure, you can come!" Uh...thanks? I know that he's super proud of his new little family and I know that doesn't always include Aunt E, but geez...I don't ever go in town and not contact him. I feel left out.

I'm considering posting some before and after pictures to document my weight loss. They won't be true "before" pictures because I'm 25 pounds down, but I could still snap a picture or two to compare to pictures of when I'm all the way down to where I want to be. I was thinking of a sports bra and boxers. Of course I'd have to ask Shanee what she thought about it first, just out of respect. Even though I'd be more covered than what she is in her swim suit, it's still draws we're talkin about. I got the idea because a few people have asked how my progress is going...and a certain somebody had a hilarious dream about my muscles being ripped beyond belief. I'm not exactly sure why these two things made me wanna post pictures of myself not fully clothed...lol, but they did. I don't even know if anyone wants to see my half-nekkid body! Perhaps a beater? [I inquired. The answer is no. She said absolutely not. lol]

My sexual appetite has been off the hook the past few weeks. Like, really ridiculous. I'm easily turned on...way more easily than my norm. It's becoming problematic. I cannot wait to go be with my baby in a couple weeks.

Bedtime...

one mile

2009-08-08T21:38:00.002-04:00

I went to the movies last night and saw The Collector. We missed the first 5 minutes of the movie, and obviously missed something crucial because I was lost and confused the entire movie. It was scary though, just didn't seem to have a purpose. Anyhow, one of my friends that has been socially unavailable all summer due to no childcare and working 50 hours a week at an unpaid internship is now back on the social scene and available to do things. I'm glad for it. That's who I went with and we had a good time.

It's 10pm on a Saturday night and I'm in the house, in sweat pants on, my face already washed, glasses on. I suppose I could have found something else to do, just elected not to. I'm kind of sorry that I didn't make plans, but part of me feels content to just chill here by myself. I'd better embrace that because it's a fleeting feeling.

I was supposed to go to a wedding today. One of my friends from high school that I also went to college with married her very first boyfriend, her very first everything, that we met our freshmen year of college. I thought it was cool that they invited me since I haven't talked to either of them in about 4 years. I decided it would be fun to go and catch up with everyone, so I rsvp'd and said I'd be there. But I got on the interstate today and my car started makin this crazy sound as soon as I hit 70mph. Nope. Not me, not today (I love Russy on Run's House). I turned around and went back home. I'll send my gift next week or something. I spent the afternoon with another friend instead. We went to Olive Garden (whole wheat linguine isn't THAT bad, even though there's nothing like pasta made from white flour) and then this specialty cupcake shop. It was delicious. After that, we couldn't settle on anything to do, so we just rolled around the central part of the city, north of downtown. She brought me home and I've just been sittin on my ass the rest of the evening. Reading the news and whatnot.

My mom and my girlfriend are a little scared and worried by my obsession with murder. I love reading murder books and finding out all the information I can about serial killers and certain cases. This weekend is the 40th anniversary of the Manson murders, and TIME did a whole spread about it. Speaking more about my fascination with murder, Shanee thinks I'm absolutely crazy for once having made the statement, "My favorite murder is the Martha Moxley case." She thought it was disgusting that a person would even have something like a favorite murder. Sorry, I just do. Her and my mother both are a little concerned about sleeping in the same house as me. A few years ago when my family traveled to Wisconsin to visit family, I made everyone stop at Jeffrey Dahmer's old house where he did all his psychotic activities. There's a huge fence around it and I hopped it and made my cousin take pictures of me inside it, clinging to the inside of the fence, as if I was trying to escape. Maybe it is a tad bit unhealthy...lol

Speaking of health though, my ass can officially run a mile. I bit through the pain and pressed it out. And I'm happy to have reached a point where I'm not even in pain afterward! I got a manicure and pedicure this morning and when the little China girl was massaging my lower legs, it hurt while she was doing it, but when I was done it felt better than I thought it should, which lets me know that my muscles definitely stood to benefit from the little rubdown. I've got some professional massages lined up for the near future and I'm pumped about 'em.

Studies have shown that the human mind is way more relaxed and whatnot when the space around them is clean and free of clutter. I went through my apartment yesterday morning and straightened up, then did some deep cleaning...like, used the attachments on my vacuum sweeper. It was completely worth it. I think I even slept better, falling asleep without a mound of clothes looking at me or a million pieces of paper all over every surface. I woke up feeling happy, not thinking to myself "damn erika, there's a lot of shit in here." It's pleasant walking into my apartment from being gone and seeing my shoes lined up in a row by the door and the rest of the apartment in order. I think I am going to start making myself really and truly clean every week....give the entire apartment the same attention I give the bathroom (weekly) and the kitchen (daily). Become some kind of neat freak.

I'm growing sleepy...

sick & tired

2009-08-05T23:27:00.002-04:00

I love my girl. I really really do. But dammit if she doesn't disgust me at times. I'm sick and tired of it.

She's just selfish. If something isn't convenient for her at the moment or she just doesn't feel like doing something, trust and believe that she won't do it. If it isn't important to her or she doesn't directly stand to benefit from something...it will be the last thing on her list of shit to do. I'd bet money on it.

I get sick of it.

I get tired of it.

She is the only person in the world who has the neverending ability to stomp the hell out of my last good nerve.

Her selfishness combined with my general disgust for the attitudes she has does not make for a positive relationship...

I wonder how much time we've got left.

i made her come

2009-08-04T09:12:00.003-04:00

It's my birth month. I'm not excited. This will be my first birthday without my father. I know it will be sad and I'm just simply not looking forward to it. Plus, I'm turning another year older. And my life is in the exact same spot it was on last year's birthday...and the birthday before that. I'm sad about that. But it's giving me the motivation I need to make a life change. I am happy to report that one thing is different though: If I stay on track and work hard, I will turn 26 being 30 pounds lighter than I was when I turned 25. I've lost 20 pounds so far. It's exciting!

Another reason I'm not looking forward to my birthday...at the end of this month and early next month, football preseason kicks off. My favorite person to talk shit with about the games is no longer present. I'm not sure how excited I am for the first Colts game of the season, or any game really. It just hurts that he isn't going to be here. I got my love of football from him. And I can't stand that we won't be texting one another during the games and I won't be calling him to discuss the highlights as I make my drunken way home from the bar on Sunday nights.

This weekend brought some relief from my constant boredom. On Friday night, me and one of my friends and another of her friends that I've gotten kool with all went to a casino that's about 40 minutes away. It was really fun. I went with 100 dollars, blew it all, got back up to about 50, and ran it down to 20. I'd be willing to go again, but I think I'd rather have it be more of a party atmosphere. I wasn't expecting a bunch of middle aged chain smokers. We left out of there with headaches, stomach aches, burning eyes, and smelling like smoke. They did have a nonsmoking section, but all the fun was over with the smokers. There was one woman there who had us cracking up. She was about 4'5, didn't have a bra on with these little strange looking breasts, she had kinky twists (the worst hair style in the world), her lips were black, her eyes were all glazed over, and she had the rough voice that comes with strained vocal chords from smoking all her life. Her friend won $4,000 on a penny machine. And she lost her mind. "AAAGGGGGHHHH AAAGGGGHHHHH AAAAGGGGHHHHHH SHE WASN'T EVEN GONNA COME, I MADE HER COME! I MADE HER COME! I MADE HER COME! AAAAGGGGHHHH AAAGGGHHHHH!" We were dying laughing! She carried on like that for some 15 minutes. I was like "she should say something else besides 'i made her come.' how about 'i brought her with me." It was funny, but it got annoying after the first 5 minutes. After awhile, she had four casino employees standing behind her trying to urge one another to go over and say something to her. She was disrupting the atmosphere. And all the machines clearly say one machine per person...but she had two machines going, had a cigarette in each hand, and was sitting there in a cloud of smoke, just having the time of her life. None of them worked up the nerve to approach her, so she got to carry on uninterrupted.

Saturday night, another friend's son turned 3, so there was a party at their house. It was cool, a real laid-back time. Except I got punched in the face by the birthday boy. I was tickling him and he didn't like it...so he swung. And connected. It didn't hurt that bad at the moment, but the bones around my eye and nose are sore now. He got in trouble and was sent to bed. He's been a terror since he was born. He gets kicked out of every day care they put him in. His mom even said that she can't wait until somebody hits him back or beats him up because she thinks that's the only way he'll learn. And it just might be. He gets whippings that are pretty extreme, but they don't seem to really help. Time-outs and whatnot are a joke. His pediatrician already told them that he was going to end up medicated as soon as he starts school. I feel bad for him though because his parents are basically waiting for him to turn 5 so that they can put him on pills to calm him down. And he also has night terrors. They wake up to him screaming bloody murder in his sleep in the middle of the night, almost every night. He's too young to explain what's going on and the doctors told them not to wake him up in the middle of it. So they've actually invested in a video surveillance system so they can watch him without going into his room. I can't imagine how stressful that is for them as his parents (they haven't gotten to sleep longer than 5 hours at a time since he's been born), but I feel like whatever is "getting him" in his sleep might contribute to his aggressive and violent behavior while he's awake. I used to think he was just a sweet kid who had young parents who didn't know how to handle his excessive activity...I mean, what toddler isn't extremely active? What 2 year old doesn't throw fits and have meltdowns? But now I see what they mean...it definitely is deeper than that. They have the beginnings of a problem child on their hands.

I love Shanee and we want to be with one another, but the communication between us is just no fun anymore. We're creatures of habit these days, so there's nothing fun and exciting to talk about ever. We know each other pretty well, so everyday isn't a learning experience anymore. She knows all my secrets, she's heard all my stories. I don't have anything exciting to say to her anymore and vice versa. We know each other's sense of humor so well, we only smirk at each other's jokes these days, they're not funny anymore. We always say "i knew you were going to say that." I think that we're each in a period of transition right now and we're not at our best. I'm mildly depressed about the death of my father and the distance between her and I gets harder each day. Plus, I'm not happy with my place in life. I'm working on getting a plan together to solve a few problems...move near her, start school. She is living back with her family, which is a love-hate situation. She loves her mother and sister with everything she's got, but she hates the hell out of her step father and it makes her hate being in that house. But it's cheapest and makes the most sense. And she's looking for a job, which is stressful. I'm not sure that she's adjusting too well to life after college. I just hope that things get better once we're living in the same city and are each happier with our lives.

My manager said something to me yesterday that really struck me. I have thought about it a lot since then. She said she feels like she is going to die young. Said that the women in her family don't live long at all. She's not very old at all and has already lived past the age her mother died. All her aunts died in their 40s. She said she already knows that she doesn't have that much time left. And she said that's why she spends so frivolously and goes on vacation all the time...she honestly feels like she's just living for today. It kind of made me wonder about my own life. My father died young and I wonder if I will live to be older than he did. I hope so. I honestly don't feel that I will share his reality...even though we're genetically very very similar. He was born with a very weak heart and it was attacked by some childhood illness. He began smoking at the age of 9 or something ridiculous like that. His eating habits were horrible and he began picking up a lot of weight in his late 20s. He never exercised. Even if I was born with a weak heart, I didn't have any major childhood illnesses, I don't smoke, I have changed my eating habits, I exercise now and am in the process of losing this weight. I feel like I am doing the things I need to do now in order to increase the quality of my life and the longevity. I do kind of feel where she's coming from though on living for today...I feel like I have a future to look forward to, but I also understand that nothing is for certain and that I should strive to enjoy the present.

I love mornings like this...zero obligation. I like to just sip my coffee, read, write, enjoy myself, relax, listen to music. Do whatever feels right.

....

2009-07-28T17:21:00.002-04:00

Again, I find myself wishing I had more/better friends. I feel really pathetic, but I honestly don't know where or how to meet any. I've befriended all of my coworkers that I care to. Other than that...I'm kind of clueless. The night I hung out with my friend from a couple posts ago (the one that mistakenly thought I wanted more than friendship), I met a bunch of her friends and they were all really kool. But I doubt I'll be invited back because my presumptuous friend that I had to set straight has not contacted me since.

I was hanging out at Starbucks this afternoon, reading a book. There was this lady there reading what looked to be a self-help or coping book entitled "Suddenly Single." She was sitting alone. The coffee shop was not at all crowded, there were plenty of both tables and stuffed armchairs. But this man walked over to her and was like "do you mind if I join you?" He sat down with her and they chatted for the next hour. I was struck by the simplicity, and the sweetness of the situation. I left before they did, but I really hope they exchanged numbers and whatnot. I really like the rare occasions that I witness those types of things.

I went and saw Orphan this evening. Good movie with a crazy twist. I have a degree in psychology, but that was some other type of crazy. It was interesting.

parental issues...

2009-07-27T00:11:00.002-04:00

I just got back in town a little while ago. I went home Saturday evening after I got off work. I just hadn't seen the baby or the rest of the family in about 4 weeks, so it was past due time to pay 'em a visit .

I just realized that I haven't posted a single picture of the baby yet. It just so happens that each time I'm there with my actual camera, there is something stopping me from taking his picture. He used to be so deathly afraid of the flash that I could never get a good one, plus it would have been evil to keep trying. And now that he's a little older, I'd bet that he could stand it a little better, but he just got his first round of shots on Friday, so he was feverish and fussy all weekend. I didn't want to press my luck, he was barely letting me hold him in the first place. He showed a definite preference for his parents, which is good and natural, I suppose.

My mother and I fought this afternoon. Because she's dating someone. I've been aware of this man's presence in her life for about a month and a half now. She's grieving the death of my father and he's freshly divorced after an abusive relationship (his ex-wife beat him like he was a ragdoll and he finally left her). She said their friendship is of benefit to them both because they help and encourage one another through their loss. I didn't really pay it any mind. Until she began to talk about him often...asking her friends what they thought about him....he sends her [childish] poetry in the mail...she told me that they went to a park in another town so that they could hold hands without starting rumors around town....at that point, I told her that she needs to drop the facade. It's not just a friendship. All the signs point to something else. She told me that they're friends and that's it. I got mad and left the house and came back to Indy. That was about 4 weeks ago. So today, she asked me to accompany her to dinner over at my uncle's house. My uncle used to be a chef, and his cooking is the bomb, so I was excited. Then she said that her "friend" was coming. I had mixed feelings about it and then ultimately decided that I didn't want to go. She saw me sitting on the couch, still in my pajamas, and asked me why I wasn't dressed. I told her that I wasn't going. She wanted to know why. So I explained to her that I wasn't comfortable with it. My dad hasn't even been gone 6 months and she's dating someone else. I told her that if he makes her happy and is helping her heal and whatnot, then she should do whatever makes her content, but I just am not ready to sit down to dinner with him, or get to know him, or anything along those lines. She said she could respect that, but she didn't stop there. She said that it's nice having someone that calls her multiple times a day and asks how she's doing...and she said "you and your brother don't call me everyday...you don't call me every other day....it's nice knowing that someone is thinking about me and checking on me." I didn't snap, but I was burnt the hell up. She's dating someone because I don't call?? Last I checked, she's the parent...she's correct in feeling like I should call her more than I do, but she should be calling me too. We went back and forth about it and I made a remark that I probably shouldn't have. She said that she never intended for my brother or I to know about this man this soon but that she didn't want to lie. I asked her why she wanted to keep him a secret if she isn't doing anything wrong. She said she wanted to spare our feelings. I said "When I was 15 years old and you were having an affair and I tried to talk to you about it, you didn't care about my feelings, so why are you trying to save feelings now?" She got up and left the room. (The exact same thing she did when I was 15 and would ask her why she's wrecking homes.) And just like she used to do then, she would go in her bedroom and shut the door and think of something to say, and then come back to wherever I was at, and try to continue the discussion. It used to piss me completely off...I thought it weak to flee just because someone says something you don't like. The feeling was the exact same today. She came back in the room wanting to keep talking. I apologized for bringing up the past and she offered to cancel her plans. I told her she didn't have to, she should go ahead and go. So she went on.

I don't want my mother to be unhappy and perhaps I was selfish today for the things I said and electing to not go to dinner. However, I feel that she was also selfish...why on Earth would she think it's a good idea to be dating someone this soon? If she didn't have any children, it might be different. But to ask my brother and I to sit down to dinner with this man is very insensitive and kind of disrespectful to our feelings.

I love my parents but really hate some of the things they've done. All of the affairs that my father had, he disrespected the hell out of my mother while he was alive. Even when they got back married 4 months before he died, he was still looking her in the eye and telling bold-faced lies. I kind of feel like she's disrespecting him as well as my brother and I by dating someone so soon....but at the same time, she's really not. I was very very angry with my mother and still have a lot of issues with her because of the affair that she had when I was in high school. I blame both of my parents for my brother and I's tendency to separate love and sex. We're both fortunate enough to be in relationships right now where we actually love the person we're having sex with. But we have definitely seen and grown up with the example that you love one person and you have sex with others. That isn't how I want my life to be, but I feel that we each have it honest. I've shared this with Shanee before, when we first began liking each other...and she trusted me enough to enter a relationship with me anyhow, knowing that I come from scandalous parents. I'm glad that she trusts me and knows that I strive to do better and to be better.

Time for bed...

make your nipples jump

2009-07-24T00:01:00.003-04:00

I noticed something today. Well, it's safe to say that I've been becoming more and more aware of it, but this evening, it really showed. I only have about 5 friends. And I mean friends. Friends that I can talk to about whatever. Friends that I can truly be myself around. Friends that I can speak my mind to and they still like me. Friends that don't work the hell out of my nerves. Friends that have similar values and beliefs as me. Friends that have equal amounts of money or more (call me shallow if you will, but this makes a difference in a friendship...I'm not ballin by any means and I don't present myself to be some sort of high roller or big spender....but it annoys the hell out of me when people consistently don't have enough money to go see a movie or grab appetizers or even just go to starbucks.) I've got a phone full of numbers to acquaintances that get on my nerves, I already know they don't have any money to go out, or just for some reason or another I'm opposed to inviting them somewhere (they wouldn't enjoy the activity or atmosphere, I'm shitty about something they've said or done recently, they're working..). Anyhow, it leaves me with slim-pickings when I want to do social activities. And this evening, one of my closest friends made a real shitty move...we were leaving work and were talking about doing something. I told her I had to work out first, and we agreed for me to hit her up when I left the gym. I got home and as I was changing clothes, I remembered that there was going to be a black comedian at the comedy club tonight and so I asked her if she wanted to go. Her response was, "I just made plans wit courtney." Oh. Not "me and courtney are gonna grab dinner, join us when you're done." Nothing like that. She basically shit in my face. We agreed to hang out...no definite plans or anything, very loose....but in agreement nontheless. And then not even 30 minutes later, she made plans with somebody else...and didn't invite me. I texted back "oh okay...so nevermind about hittin you up when i'm done working out?" She was like "we'll be at dinner at the time the comedy show starts, and I didn't plan to do anything until later." OKay. So I texted to ask her what she wanted to do and she didn't respond. I'm wondering if she isn't mad or turned off by what I said earlier. I told her that what she wants in a mate is very hard to come by. She wants a black man who makes a lot of money who is going to let her not work and stay home with kids, she wants to have a big house and drive nice cars and take nice trips, and of course she expects him not to lie, sneak, creep, or do any of the other bullshit that people do in relationships. I told her it's damn near impossible. She got mad, said she has faith, and told me she's surprised that I would say that. One of our coworkers chimed in and said that statistically speaking, it's really not going to happen. She was all in a huff, saying she can't believe that I would say that. I told her "you're so quick to quote statistics for everything else, why don't you believe this one?" She was not happy. I wasn't trying to dash her hopes and dreams, but in the past week alone, she has stated 4 times that she's going to marry rich and not have to worry about anything ever again. So I decided that today, I wasn't going to listen to that bullshit anymore. Anyhow, once she nullified our plans, I went ahead and asked my other 4 friends and they were out of town, had class, needed to go to bed super early because they work super early, and wouldn't be off work in time. I love my 5 friends, but I obviously need to expand my circle...

Anyhow, all my time spent at the gym is paying off. I work out about 10 hours a week and I'm beginning to reap the benefits. In addition to dropping pounds, my muscles are really developing. My pecs are strong enough to make my breasts bounce when I flex! I used to think it was soooo kool when my dad would do it when I was young. Anytime I saw him with no shirt on, which was almost daily, I would ask him to "make his nipples jump." Of course, he never said no. I'm so pumped that I can do it too now! Though I'm loving my muscles, my knees are taking a beating. I'm still too heavy to truly be running. The treadmill is fucking me up. I get to a quarter of a mile and feel like my shins are about to separate from my knees. And my knees have been locking up anytime they're stuck in one position, like if I squat down for any length of time. Obviously, I should just stick to the elliptical until I'm much lighter and my knees won't have to take such a hit when I run. But I want to push myself to fight through the discomfort and actually reach a mile. Then start doing it faster...

More tomorrow...

I guess I seemed too pressed...

2009-07-22T00:48:00.002-04:00

I was told yesterday that I wasn't attractive. I'm not her type. Too masculine.

I had to QUICKLY let this bxtch know that I DO NOT WANT HER.

Do not EVER mistake my friendship for flirtation.

Needless to say, I'm kind of salty...

We have a good time hanging out, we can talk, and she's funny as hell...

isn't it only natural that I would hit her up and wanna hang out?

I guess inviting her to hang out 3 days in a row was my downfall...

perhaps it masked my true intentions?

Obviously.

Or she's the type that thinks everyone wants her.

Whatever was on her mind...

I set her on the right path.

"I'm not trying to "talk" to you or date you, I hope that isn't what you were thinking."

There was no response.

Appropriately enough.

Unless she's waiting two days again.

That honestly might be the end of a friendship.

How can I be friends with a person if I can't even invite them to hang out without being accused of liking them?

stretchin and diggin...

2009-07-19T21:47:00.002-04:00

My four-day break from work ends tomorrow. It went way too fast. I have definitely enjoyed not being there. I have a feeling that I am going to dread it tomorrow. I also know for fact that I am going to walk into a huge mess and have to spend the shift fixing things and putting things back in order. Not impressive. The reason I know for fact that it's going to be like that is because I received a text message early Saturday from one of my associates telling me that there was a major problem and she would like for me to call the lab. So I called and she told me that there was a paper jam. A paper jam. A PAPER JAM. I took a deep breath and explained in as nice of a voice as possible to clear the jam, inspect the printer for what may have caused the jam, and continue printing. Told her that if she can't solve it, then call a technician. I would never dream of contacting my supervisor on her day off to alert her about a paper jam. I was beyond annoyed. I regretted making my phone number available to my associates. Freaking out over a paper jam like that.

Yesterday my friend Lindsey had a graduation open house. Kind of late in the season, but it's never a bad time to throw a party and collect monetary gifts! It was a nice afternoon....lots of good food, pretty decent company and conversation. It was supposed to turn into a real party once the sun went down, but it never really happened. She had hired a DJ and everything...and it was only about 10 people. We still had a good time though, but I could tell she was disappointed by the low turn out. And I'm pretty sure her feelings were hurt by the several people who told her that they were coming and then never showed. I got a text today from her thanking me for coming and staying the entire time. She said she appreciated me and it meant a lot to her that I was there. It made me really glad to have gone and stayed. I guess it just shows that the simplest actions can have an impact...all I did was sit there and eat about 13 times and talk shit about the other guests.

Shanee has a knack for making me feel like crap. She honestly doesn't do it on purpose, but sometimes it stings. This morning, I asked her if she behaved last night at the club since she didn't get home til damn near 5am. Her response was, "I always behave, it's you who's bad." When she makes comments like that, it honestly makes me regret a lot of things I've done.

My appetite has been off the hook today. Just constant hunger and the urge to eat. I'm not sure why. Perhaps boredom had something to do with it. I know I started the day off completely wrong because I didn't eat until almost 2pm. Then I ate again at 5ish. And I've had two snacks since. Tomorrow has to be more balanced and on track.

I'm really stretchin for some shit to write about...I guess I should just stop now.

I don't have anything to read at all. Any suggestions?

a boring friday..

2009-07-17T22:14:00.002-04:00

I just got home from seeing Bruno.

That movie was partly hilarious. Mostly just offensive as hell. Some parts, I would have died laughing had I been watching it at home...but some of the things just weren't appropriate to be laughing at in public. Like treating Mexicans like furniture...

I think I ate too much popcorn. I'm officially nauseous.

I'm also extremely bored. It's one of those nights where there is nothing to do. I'm not really in the mood for a straight club. The black gay club is really only good on Thursdays and Saturdays. I went to a house party Wednesday night and it was a blast...I'm in the mood for something similar. I'd settle for going out, but nobody is doing anything. I used to go to the club by myself all the time with no problem, but that just doesn't seem like something I wanna do tonight. I done flipped through my cell phone from A to Z about twice and ain't nobody talkin about shit. It always happens this way...if I was feeling tired or content to be at home, there would be all sorts of shit going on. But on the one night that I'm really pressed about not being inside alone, there is absolutely nothing to do.

The past couple days, I've been pretty serious about thinking honestly about what it is that I wanna do with my life and career. It's time to put something in motion. Get on the ball. I've wasted enough time. I've relaxed, I've enjoyed myself. It's time to rejoin the productive members of society. I don't want to just collect a paycheck anymore. I need to do something that requires a lil brain power...

I'm thinkin a Master's degree in community counseling with a Mental Health concentration would set me on the right path. I'm not interested in administration, research (i actually hate research), or education so a PhD isn't necessary. Plus, I can always get it at a later date. Right now, I just want to get licensed and practice. So I'm gathering materials from schools in Chicago and in the DC/Maryland area. Shanee is in the interview process for a pretty decent job out in DC...so that would be kool to go to skool out there. And I fell back in love with Chicago over 4th of July weekend, so that's why I am looking there. Shanee loved Chicago too, we could each see ourselves living there, and it's close to my family. But on the other hand, I've really enjoyed DC each time I've been and Shanee loves it too. So I think we'd be content either place. All I know is that whatever we decide to do, there must be something in it that is for me. A few months ago, a close friend of mine pretty much set her whole life aside, quit a really decent job, and moved away from all her family and friends in order to pursue a relationship. She isn't very happy anymore and is just waiting it out to see if it gets any better. I feel really bad for her. I admired what she did...really romantic to just take that kind of chance on love. But it has made me very certain that I cannot do that. If I move anywhere, I will be attending school and living separate from Shanee. We have to see if our relationship can exist normally. With us just living in the same city and seeing one another throughout the week, like normal couples. I can't go from only seeing her once every couple months to living with her. I feel like we might kill each other. We need to live in the same city for awhile first. If I see her 3 or 4 times a week for a year and we still like each other, then I'd be comfortable taking that next step of getting a place together. She agrees. Even though it's cheaper to just live together, we both know that the money saved wouldn't be worth testin our relationship like that.

I haven't been home in 3 weeks and my mom made me really homesick today. She was telling me all about Damien and how he can completely hold his head up now and how he's super smiley and laughs a lot. She said that he's growing and changing really fast. Said that he's basically a whole different baby than when I last saw him. You can actually bounce him and play with him now. She babysat the other day and was reading books to him and he actually looks at the pictures and talks back. She said he started looking at her crazy when she tried to read a book written in Spanish. His mom speaks Spanish and French fluently, so she talks to him and reads to him in all three languages....and my mom is just so impressed that he can actually tell at 2 months that it isn't being done correctly. She has studied just as much child development as I have, so she should know that babies are masters at language acquisition. For that reason, I suggested that she not try and read any more Spanish to him...let's avoid him acquiring it dead wrong!

Everything turned out in my favor at work. We didn't even get the visit from any of the big wigs from corporate office. And I was out of hours by 1pm on Wednesday. So I didn't work Thursday, I didn't work Friday, and I don't have to go back until Monday. I should start scheduling myself like that on purpose...this little mini vacation has been awesome. I think I sleep so much better at night when I can drift off to sleep knowing that I have absolutely no obligations the next morning. When I wake up is when I wake up.

On Friday mornings, I've started goin to this workout class called Boot Camp. It's pure torture. A good-ass workout though. My trainer is the instructor for it and she encouraged me to come, so I started going. Today, she was filming us as she put us through the courses...first time I've ever made it a point to smile as I run sprints lol.

Nothin else is really going on...and I'm beginning to feel a bit sleepy. I guess I should just go to sleep. Idle hands and an idle mind on a lonesome Friday night have the potential to be very troublesome...

Dry Clean Only

2009-07-12T21:38:00.002-04:00

I am bored.

I'm pretty tired, but not really ready to go to bed just yet. What should have been an 8 hour shift today at work turned into 13 hours. I spent the first 4 using a shop vac and cleaning all the dirt and dust from behind and underneath the cash registers. It was disgusting. There was dust bunnies, money, receipt tape, all sorts of shit up underneath the drawers. It was unreal. Then all the supervisors got called into the training room to put together binders of all the reports we would need to be able to reference. Basically what it comes down to is that there are about a trillion things that we should be doing each week that have never been mentioned before. Since we're having such important visitors on Tuesday, today was the day to try and bring us up to speed. It was supremely frustrating. There is absolutely no reason for us to not have already known about these things. It's like cramming for an exam. They (the managers) made us sit there for like 2 and a half hours while they explained what each report was, its importance, how to read it, and whatnot. Then they rehearsed answers with us to questions that they were certain would be asked. No one really said much...we just scurried to get the reports hole-punched and put in our binders in their proper order. Finally, I asked why we were suddenly doing this. I asked why the COO of the entire corporation would announce his arrival because he knows good and well that we're preparing. I asked why we hadn't needed these reports at any time before. Another supervisor spoke up and said that she didn't mind doing the work, keeping the reports in a binder wasn't a big deal (they were actually quite informative!), and she let them know that we don't appreciate suddenly being sat down for a whole afternoon and having it sprung on us. What really set it off was one of the managers told us that tomorrow, no matter what time we are scheduled, we are to arrive no later than 9. We're to work in our departments for the morning and to have all lunch breaks out of the way by 12. There is going to be another "dress rehearsal" type meeting at 12:30, and then we're supposed to spend the rest of the afternoon studying our reports. Absolutely ridiculous. When voices began to be raised, the manager turned red in the face and blurted out "I have failed you all as a manager, and I was failed by my manager!" We were just kind of quiet after that. It was a bit satisfying to hear the honest truth.

After work, I went out to eat with a friend. We tried to figure something out to do afterward, but she wasn't interested in the movies or going to a drag show (the only two low-cost things I could think of for Sunday night). So we just decided to go our separate ways. That leaves me home...with nothing to do. Since Shanee's departure, I've been a little depressive. I had not 5 minutes to myself for the past 3 weeks...and now that I'm totally alone, I feel empty and sad. I'm sure it will pass and I'll be feeling back to normal soon, back to myself and enjoying my quiet time to just be alone with my thoughts.

I was told today at work that I look like I could be Dominican. I asked what that meant and the girl just giggled and said that my skin tone is that of a Dominican. I wasn't sure what the appropriate response would have been, so I just kind of smiled. I don't think I've ever seen a Dominican before. This particular young lady is Mexican, is gay, and recently has began talking to me at work. Nothing extra, just asking about my weekends, seeing what kind of stuff I'm into, extra smiley. Is it possible for someone to flirt with flirtation?! The way she talks to me borders on flirtation, but somethin about it is still just cordial and friendly. It's kind of hard to describe.

One good thing about my horrible trip to Philly in March was that on one of the shopping trips that Shanee insisted on, I found a shirt that I just knew was going to be my favorite shirt of the season. It's a white LRG polo that says "Summer of Mad Love" on it. The main colors are red and carolina blue, but it's got every color in it...and I was right...it's my favorite shirt of the season. So, imagine my disappointment when I went to throw it in the washer and looked at the care tag to find that it's dry clean only. What a blow.

While Shanee was here, she cooked several meals. I'm not sure how she cooks at home, but she somehow or another ended up putting a whole bunch of fat that she cut from some steaks down the drain. It completely ruined my garbage disposal and the sink drains really slow now...and there's a smell. We cleared it and I've dumped a ton of bleach down there, but to no avail. And I keep on forgetting to turn in a work order to have maintenance come and fix it. I know that she wouldn't sabotage my kitchen like that on purpose, but I cannot for the life of me understand how it all ended up in there without her realizing it...she pulled it all back out, but the damage had already been done and I'm left to deal with it further. So not impressive. Hopefully I'll remember to get it fixed tomorrow.

Sleep is about to take over...

Bummed Out

2009-07-12T00:01:00.002-04:00

Well, I made it through the day. I'm about to go to bed, I stupidly agreed to work at 5am. We've got the COO of the corporation coming for a visit on Tuesday. That means we all scurry and clean in a panic. Clean things that have never been cleaned before. Suddenly appearance standards are elevated by a thousand. Tension is running high. All the managers have attitudes. But it's kool. I'm going to work tomorrow on my day off, I get to wear basketball shorts, and then I plan to play it in my favor so that by Wednesday or so I'll be out of hours and just can't come to work on Thursday. That's my plan at least. Hopefully it works out that way.

Even though I made it through the day, I have felt pretty down and out yesterday and today. I hope that tomorrow I can shake it off and feel good again. I just feel empty. Nothing really matters. Blah, whatever.

One thing to smile about for sure is that I got my apartment back in order this evening. I love Shanee to death, but damn can she trash an apartment. I don't mean she was up in here being triflin at all, just that we got back from our trip and she unpacked all of our stuff all over the floor and all over the furniture and my apartment is tiny to begin with...so just two people's clothes can truly wreck the place. Other things were out of place as well...just 3 weeks worth of straight chillin can take a toll on an apartment as well...water bottles gettin kicked under the bed, candy wrappers in odd places, I bought a macbook so all the contents and manuals and whatnot laying around, I haven't truly opened any mail since early June...just things like that. It's not really Shanee herself, it's me not doing anything else when she's around. I ignore life when I get around her. We were swimming when Michael Jackson died. Some drunk chick jumped out of her lounge chair and screamed at the top of her lungs "Michael Jackson died!" and I giggled as she threw her arms in the air in shock and almost dropped her blackberry and her belly kind of shook. I was just kind of like "really? so babe, what do you wanna eat for dinner?" I truly do ignore the rest of the world when she's around. It's probably not a good thing and I know it won't always be like that. So a combination of her being mildly messy, plus me not doing anything that doesn't involve being directly in her face...it's the perfect mix for a fucked-up apartment.

I'm still alive...

2009-07-10T19:42:00.002-04:00

Well, let's see if I can breathe some life into this here blog...

A lot has taken place in the month since I wrote anything.

Most notable...Shanee came! She got here June 22 and left today. Not as long of a visit as I'd hoped for and we'd planned, but it's what's best. She needs to work and she grew bored alone in my apartment each day. I did not take vacation time during her visit because I want to save my vacation time for my birthday, for Atlanta pride, and Christmas. I don't think Shanee minded that I didn't take days off work strictly to hang out with her, but she did kind of make me feel guilty for leaving her alone in my apartment for 8 hours each day. Anyhow, we had a good visit. We spent some time really doing some face-to-face talking...it was needed. We resolved some things and are on a better track. We spent some time with my family...it was nice. I was every bit the proud auntie when I got to introduce her to Damien. Too bad he acted like a stinker one of the nights we went to see him. He screamed and cried like never before. We went to Chicago for the 4th of July weekend. It was sooo much fun. We had a blast. I messed up my diet horribly...we ate so good. Highlight of the Chicago weekend: meeting Desiree! We met up with her on a street corner and she came with us to the Taste for a lil while. It was really good to finally get to meet someone that I've interacted with online for 2 years. I was commenting to Shanee after we parted ways that she was every bit as talkative, genuine, warm, and fun as I'd figured. I now have new reasons to go up to Chicago when I get a few spare days in a row! Much to Shanee's chagrin, I shopped my ass off. I was a mad woman on Michigan Avenue. I bought some athletic clothing, a bunch of puma socks, a polo, some fragrance, and some other things. The funny thing about the fragrance is that it's ck one. I wore ck one in 6th grade. How funny that 13 years later, I decide to wear it again. All in all, it was a great time.

Today has been kind of tough...Shanee left and I'm anticipating tomorrow. Tomorrow is my father's birthday. Tomorrow is also the anniversary of the day my parents got married the first time. July 11th will always and forever be a sad-ass date for my family. I don't know if my mother plans to work or not, but I already know that she will be deeply sad tomorrow, if she isn't already. I honestly don't even know what to say to her. I know that I should call her and acknowledge the significance of the day, but I don't have any words to comfort her.

My job is still just work. Some drama has ensued. I now officially cannot text or tweet or do anything on my cell phone while on the clock. One of my associates was a no-call, no-show one day. So I wrote her up. She didn't agree and sent a letter to the district manager of personnel. It was investigated. I was right, she was wrong. The write-up stood. She got mad and wrote a letter of resignation to the managers and quit. The letter was intense! She was gunnin for me like no one ever has. Said she didn't respect me, I'm a poor leader, she can't work for me any longer, it was obvious that I didn't want her in my department by the way I threw her under the bus, I was never around, I didn't train her properly, I spent my whole day texting and on my cell phone, on and on and on. Anyhow, because of that...I really have to be on my shit. My manager pulled me aside and said that anytime someone has that strong of an opinion, it typically gets looked into. They can't ignore such a strong letter...even though it's obvious that she's just very disgruntled because she got wrote up...she didn't have any complaints until disciplinary action was taken. I decided to take her accusations as constructive criticism...I made the decision to not even touch my phone unless I am on break and I basically just stepped my game up overall. Everything in her letter, I've just made a conscious effort to really pay attention to. I'm not sure if it ever really got looked into very far, but the general manager made a comment to me about them having me on camera going to the restroom a lot...but I'm not sure how serious she was. The comment came after I submitted a complaint about the water cooler always being out of order. She laughed and told me that I don't need the water cooler anyhow because they have me on camera going to the bathroom an awful lot. I kind of got the hint that they were watching tapes to see what all I'd been doing...nothing else has been said to me though, so I'm guessing they didn't find anything worth firing me over.

This situation has kind of lit a little fire under me. I enjoy working at Sam's for right now because I set my own schedule, I get paid a decent wage, I do very little work, and it's easy work. Life is very simple there. When I clock out at the end of the day, that's it. There is nothing about that job that I have to think about at home or work on at the crib or anything. I just do my shift and it's over. I like that. But I know that I'm supposed to do way better than that. I have skills that are not being used at all. I have more talents than it takes to print and package some photos. I'm not functioning at my fullest potential. And I guess I haven't for the past 2 years. When I first graduated college, it was kool to just work part time and spend the rest of my time traveling to go see Shanee and just hanging out with friends and playin around and doing whatever else sounded kool at the moment. I loved having all the time in the world to just read, write, and do whatever I wanted. After I became supervisor of my department, the rest of life got a little stressful. My father's health was up and down, Shanee and I were up and down, I began to really hate my living situation...a job with zero stress and zero influence on my personal life was what I needed. I needed to just do my simple hours and go home. But now I'm officially at the point of really not being satisfied. I want something new. And I'm tired of retail. I'm tired of dealing with customers who think they are always right. I'm tired of being micromanaged. I'm tired of standing all day. I don't want the same back problems that everybody at my job has. Walking on straight concrete for 40 hours a week will fuck your body up. I'm ready to have a desk and actually deal with clients and patients that truly need my services, not just people who expect their pictures in 20 minutes. I'd really like to go back to school in the next 2 years or so, but in what city?

I'm sure I'm missing something that's blog-worthy, but oh well...I'm tired.

Anyone heard from the brown girl..??

Worth all this bull...??

2009-06-15T23:10:00.002-04:00

I feel like the frustration and disappointment isn't going to end. And I question if it's worth it.

I must have really been makin some serious kind of mistake by getting so heavily involved and developing such intense feelings for someone younger than me and someone so far away.

After like 2 setbacks, Shanee still is not here. The updated plan is for this coming Sunday. Part of me doesn't even wanna talk about it or get excited about it...because I'd bet money that it won't happen.

And now, her mother has requested that she go back home in mid-July. She misses her and doesn't want her gone the whole summer.

I cried.

Like a child. At 25 years old, I heard news that was contrary to what I wanted and I threw a small fit. Laid out flat on the bed and cried. And I don't care how immature it was.

Now, I know plenty of people who have horrible relationships with their parents and their mothers don't give a damn about them...so I'm happy that her mother loves her. But wheennnn is she going to get some balls and tell her mother no? At what point is she going to come up out from underneath her family?

Her and I have plans to be in Chicago for 4th of July. But I haven't even booked the hotel yet because she can't make a solid plan. The way her trip keeps getting pushed back, she'll get here on the 5th or something stupid like that. And we had other plans for July too....which I guess won't be happening now. Because her mom misses her. Not because she has a job to get back for. Not because she's got summer skool. Not because there's anything going on that she's missing. Because her mom said.

Maybe I'm being selfish. But I really want her to tell her mom no. I want her to stay here until the beginning of August as we'd planned. I still want to do the things that we planned to do.

It's upsetting because I kind of feel like she doesn't even mind leaving early. She's so lax about EVERYTHING. It drives me crazy. I don't even think she's concerned about the fact that our time will be cut short and she doesn't seem to be real concerned that I'm upset about it. "Babe, we'll still be together for 4 or 5 weeks." SOOO?? I want longer than that! And she's okay with it. I feel dejected.

I miss her too and I NEVER get to see her. And the last time we saw one another, it was horrrible. This was supposed to be our time to really rebuild and put some shit back together.

But she doesn't seem that worried about it. Maybe I should quit worrying about it too. I'm starting to see that we have completely different values and ideas about things. If my mom were to ever try to cut my summer with her short, I would tell my mom flat out.."NO!" Shanee just says okay. She hasn't had a job in over a month, was concerned about money last week, but today was askin for my address so she could do some online shopping and have it sent to my house for when she gets here. I asked her why was she unemployed and shopping. She didn't end up buying the clothes, but it irritated me that she was even spending her time like that. It's just senseless. Completely unnecessary. She's got a problem when it comes to clothes and shoes. There are things coming up that we've talked about doing and they will require money...I wonder if she thinks that I'm going to pay for everything. Because that's definitely a no-no. I'm done wining and dining her. I used to romance the shit outta her, best I could from 600 miles away. But after how she did me in march and april...no sir. Them days are over. That fact alone makes me wonder if a relationship with her is even worth trying to rebuild and fix. I have so much anger and resentment towards her that it's ridiculous.

Her priorities and her values and the things she places importance on are just so funny to me. Family is an excellent thing to put first...but only to a certain degree. She says all this stuff about loving me so much and how I'm number one and blah blah blah...but I'm obviously second to her mom and sister. And that's fine...I guess. At some point though, when you begin telling a person that you wanna spend your life with them, that person has to be your top priority. They just do. And she may feel the feelings of wanting to be with me like that, but she simply is not ready to cleave to me instead of her mom and sister. It doesn't matter what we're doing...if they call, she answers. That drives me crazy. She just isn't ready, I think. I know that everybody is different and no two familial relationships are the same, but I know plenty of people her exact age who just graduated college just like her who don't act like her. Who aren't afraid to tell their parents something instead of just obeying like they're 10. Who prioritize properly. Who realize that it's dumb as fuck to be shopping when you don't have income. I'm just ready for her to grow the hell up.

Honestly speaking, I'm not sure if we'll make it through the summer. We've been disagreeing about a lot of things lately. Just don't see eye to eye on much. Gettin on each other's nerves. This visit, if and when it takes place, really is our last shot. It will be the moment of truth. It's either going to solidify us or send us on our separate ways.

a list...more like numbered paragraphs

2009-06-10T23:27:00.003-04:00

I have had zero desire to write. But I am going to, just for general purpose. I have a blog, may as well put it to some use. I'm not really sure of my current ability to write out an actual post, so here's a list of shit.

1. My nephew is perfect. He's absolutely adorable. His face is neither red nor scrunched up like most fresh babies. He's clear and smooth and just absolutely beautiful. Devin and Jackie are quite the active young couple...for him only being about 3 weeks old, he's been to several restaurants in town, like 3 cookouts, the mall, and quite a few other places. When he's swaddled in green and yellow blankets, people approach Jackie and tell her what a beautiful baby girl she has. Jackie is quick to correct and let them know that it's a gorgeous baby BOY. His face is just angelic...too sweet for a boy. I would have some pictures...but he scares so easily. Each time the flash goes off, he balls up his fists, throws them up in defense, and lets out a blood-curdling shriek. It's kind of funny. But I know his poor heart must race. The boy's definitely got some good reflexes. My brother's maturity level is being called into question...he purposely does things to elicit the scream, much to the chagrin of Jackie and my mother.

2. My brother found some more of my father's journals. They're interesting. He really loved my brother and I a hell of a lot. It still pains my mother when his entries speak of other women. I can only imagine. She's mildly depressed. We just crossed the 3 month mark of his passing. It was pretty tough on me. I imagine the 5th and 6th of each month will have a lot of significance for me, probably for the rest of the year. The 5th will mark the last day I ever saw him alive, talked to him, laughed with him, hugged him, kissed his forehead that resembles my own so very much. And the 6th is the day he actually passed, after that 20-hour surgery that he fought his damndest to make it out of. On Memorial Day, we attended a service in which there was a candle lit for him...my mom asked my brother to do it because she would have really lost it if she did it herself. After the service, we went out and I saw his grave for the very first time. I couldn't stand it. I snotted all over my mom's suit. It was so damn hard. And my mother didn't listen to me very well at all...she's only 53, 9 times outta 10, she's gonna get married again. And she went ahead and bought herself a plot right next to my dad and got one of those couples' headstones WITH HER NAME ALREADY ON IT. I didn't think it was the best idea, but it's what she wants, so alright.

3. I'm still sick in love with Shanee. However, after how she treated me in March and April, I just have no patience for her. I fuss at her like every other day, over one thing or another. Something that wouldn't have made me think twice this time last year now has the ability to set me completely off. I have extreme amounts of anger and bitterness towards her and it shows. It's all been discussed very thoroughly. She's pretty understanding and acknowledges and owns up to the fact that she made the bed and if she wants me, then she's gonna have to lay in it....but when I get to talkin crazy and cursin at her and saying really inappropriate and unacceptable things to her, she isn't afraid to speak up and tell me to tone it down.

4. My job (Sam's Club) is to have a booth at Pride this year. It's pride week right now, the parade and main festival are on Saturday. I've been asked to work the booth. I readily accepted...hang out at Pride all day while on the clock. Sounded perfect. However, I am mildly nervous about 2 of the coworkers that are also going to be in attendance. They have the potential to act really ignorant at times. They're the type of people that I wouldn't necessarily call homophobic...they just act kind of funny. If a really flamboyant man approaches us at work, they won't say anything, but they will give each other that knowing look, as if to say "do you see this dude?" I, of course, always call them out "WHAT?" and they immediately cut it out. I had to tell one of them just yesterday..."you're not that cute, don't nobody want you." He was like "yeah, you're right, it's dumb to act like that." I hope not to have to serve that same reminder up again on Saturday, because I will. I also really hope that the church I am a part-time member of doesn't have some evangelists or anybody else on deck to be down there tryna "save" folks.

5. My trainer is still kicking my ass. She puts a whoopin on me each and every time. I have completely changed the way I eat. I feel different...better. When I wake up in the morning, I'm up. I'm not sleepy after I eat. I sleep better at night. Naps are kind of funny...either I have no desire to take a nap at all, or I lay down and fall into a 5-6 hour coma in which I hear no telephones or alarm clocks or anything. It's kind of scary. I think those comas are because my body is still adjusting to the rigorous exercise...and when I say rigorous, I mean RIGOROUS. She has me doing the elliptical on level SIXTEEN and the stairmaster on level ELEVEN. Just some unnatural type shit. She makes me run laps around the inside of the gym. My gym does not have an indoor track. Just laps around the perimeter of the building. I look and feel like a jackass. It'll be like 40 or 50 grown ass people in there doing their thang and I'm the only idiot whipping through there. Anyhow, like I said, I'm still adjusting. Extremely intense exercise, plus a totally different diet...my body is going through it. It hasn't even been a month yet...so I guess it's only natural that I just fall the fuck out from time to time. Aside from how I feel physically, I feel more positive...definitely more calm, relaxed, less likely to stress. My mom swears she can see loss already...I personally don't think my body has changed much yet. I went to dinner with a friend tonight and she remarked that I look radiant lol. I was touched. She was like "you know I don't do compliments, but you look really good, like you radiate."

6. I moved into my apartment in February. It was obviously freezin cold and nobody hung out outdoors, so I'm just now getting to see what my neighbors are like. Predominately Africans and Asians live in this complex. I have spent the last two Friday afternoons at the pool. This last Friday, I was standing in the pool, in the 4ft part, just leanin and enjoyin the water. A gaaannnggg of Africans come through the gate. I nod and smile and they all speak, I speak back, whatever. They lay their towels out, prepare their kids with flotation devices, typical poolside behaviors. I decide that I've had enough of the pool. I raised myself up outta the water, flung my leg out, hoisted myself out of the pool, and walked back over to the lounge chair that I'd set myself up at. It wasn't until I'd sat down and turned around that I realized that all activity stopped. No one was talking. They were barely breathing. All eyes were on me. I was just about to throw my hands in the air and ask WHAT? when one little boy tugged his father's arm and was like "that light skinned girl got on swim trunks like yours daddy!" Oh. That's what they were looking at. I know they probably didn't approve. I hear gay Africans are imprisoned in Africa. Surely they'd seen a female in men's clothing before though. Why was it so shocking to see my swim trunks? Did they not think that cross-dressing also applied in the pool? It rubbed me the wrong way, but I just rolled my eyes and they resumed their various activities. How annoying.

7. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it. While watching the MTV Movie Awards, I grew curious about this Twilight series. I decided I had to see what all the hype is about. And now I totally see! I am about to dive into the 3rd one, Eclipse, as soon as I finish this post. I've never really been into vampires and werewolves before, but my interest has definitely been piqued. I loved the first two books in the series, I have stayed up all night for the past two weeks reading. I've been late to work because I've been so exhausted in the morning. I just couldn't put the first two down. The funny thing is that it's extremely poor writing...I'm not impressed with the author at all. I wasn't truly hooked on the first one until about Chapter 8 or so. I have made fun of a few people for being so into those "kiddie books about loving vampires" and now I'm so sucked in that I've actually apologized to the people and we spend our lunch breaks talking about it. Everyone tells me to not see the movie. As per usual, it won't be as good. The book is always better. The imagination is better than any acting or directing. I probably will see it anyhow though, just because. And the beauty of getting into something a year after it's over is that it's all at my disposal. I don't have to wait for the next book to be written...they're already available! With the movie, it won't be that easy. The second one is about to come out. But it will be another year or two before the 3rd one, then probably another year after that before the last one. I'll probably be done had a ring on my finger and adopted a baby by then lol. (I'm only mildly serious about that...I can't seem to keep a relationship tight long enough for ring-type commitment.)

8. I feel like my life is stagnant. I know I should go to graduate school...I just don't want to. I know I should look to start some kind of career...but I don't want to. I know I should begin plotting some kind of escape from Indianapolis...but I don't want to. Life is kool for right now, but I know that in 3-5 years, I can't still be printin pictures and jackin off all day.

I think that's about it. Maybe I'll be more inclined to write often again, now that I forced myself to get this put down...

my mind been racing...

2009-05-19T23:53:00.002-04:00

A lot of things have taken place!

Baby Damien was born Monday mornin. Jackie was rushed into surgery for an emergency c-section at 6:03 and Damien was out at 6:17am. That was after 21 hours of labor. She just wouldn't dilate past 4cm. He came out with the cord around his neck and fluid in his lungs. He had a low apgar score because of the stress. He was in the NICU for about 4 hours, but he got it together quickly and is back with his parents where he belongs. I went to see him in there. He's too cute. I was disappointed that I had to leave and couldn't hold him, but I'm going back on Friday when they're home and things are more calm. I'll take good pictures then...I'd rather not post him with a tube going down his nose. He was kind of fussing and kicking around and as soon as my brother began speaking, he calmed down immediately. See, my brother has been reading to him since Jackie was about 3 months along. He would seriously make her sit and have like an hour of "story time" every night. Most nights she was exhausted from serving tables and just wanted to pass out, but he was so into her pregnancy that he would insist and she was so touched by him acting like that that she'd comply. It paid off. He's so familiar with his daddy's voice, it soothed him instantly. He's already a character too...when I started talking, he covered his ears. We cracked up.

My cousins from California are in town. I picked them up from the airport on Sunday. It was my cousin Nyla, her husband Isaac, and their baby Noa. They're fun, very high-energy. I feel bad for Nyla. She's bi and Isaac hates it. She won't cheat and she won't lie, which is great. But he will not allow her to have a chick on the side and he will not do threesomes. So she's just forever miserable and yearning for somethin more. We had a pretty open discussion about a few things...I guess now that we're both adults, she felt comfortable asking me about things in our teenage years that she didn't want to ask me about then. Like who I was messing around with. It's kind of funny, the person she thought that I was messing with in high school (we weren't) is actually the first girl I ever messed around with when I was 8. Her and Nyla have an ex in common. And to really make it all a good story, my mother and her father had an affair while my parents were divorced. My hometown is really just way too small. That's soap opera type stuff.

Shanee came home from Jamaica. She kind of came out to her mom, but didn't go all the way through with it. Her mom asked did she like girls and she said yeah, then her mom asked "well, what does that mean?" (What else could it mean? duh) and Shanee changed the subject. So, her mom went back and said "I hope you find a nice boyfriend soon." Ugh. Why do parents and families make the whole thing so unnecessarily difficult?? That boyfriend comment shoved her back in the closet a couple more feet. But she dresses like a boy and her family does not like that at all either. We already know it's gonna be an issue. But anyhow, she came home late last night and emotions have ran high ever since. We talked last night about her trip and about the baby and then it got sexual like it does at t and it got that way again this morning while I was tryna work. Then emotions were running high for another reason...our plan is for her to come stay out here for most of the summer. (Desiree, we comin to Chicago for a couple nights!) Anyhow, her mom said that she can't take off for an extended period until her room is done being remodeled. And I was irritated because she was playin around doing everything else instead of picking out her paint. But she had the paint picked out by night's end, so I calmed down.

I'm a lil bit ashamed of my reputation. I'd like to work to change it. I'm known as a player and a womanizer. Friend thought that I was a player the moment she met me. I know how to act while I'm in a relationship for the most part...I've done one playerish thing in the past 2 years while I was in an official relationship. But when I'm single, I'm really single. I date around. Talk to a handful of people. And somehow or another, I've either overstepped some lines and it's no longer "dating around" or maybe my view and outlook on the situation is totally wrong. Because a lot of people seem to hold this belief that I'm just a dog. For some reason, it's been coming out a lot lately. Just the comments people have been making. One of my friends didn't know what Twitter was and she asked me who I was texting one day and I was like "um, Twitter" and she said, "who's Twitter, one of your bitches??" I just looked at her. That same friend is dating a girl that lives in my apartment complex. She was like "I'd tell you where she lives so you could come chill and play the wii with us, but I don't trust you with her address." Shocked, I asked why. She said, "because you'll be fucking her next week!" I laughed, but it kind of stung. I didn't realize I gave off that vibe to the extent that somebody wouldn't trust me knowing where their girl lived. One of my coworkers asked me for some advice about her relationship. I gave it to her. There was another girl present while we were having the conversation. When I got up to walk away, the other girl told her "don't listen to Erika, she think just like a nigga and runs the same games." I cut my eyes at her and we laughed, but it made me think. People call people "boo" all the time and it means absolutely nothing, but I said it to a friend and our other friend was like "yeah, you can be Erika's boo, but she'll have about 10 more too." I told her to just shut her mouth. Shanee says it's the first thing she thinks about when I piss her off. My dealings with women is my biggest fault and my biggest character flaw in her eyes. I don't like that. I guess I just have to prove everybody wrong.

Damien Garrett McGee

2009-05-17T13:08:00.003-04:00

My mom called me about ten minutes ago to tell me that Jackie's water broke!! The baby will be here very very soon!!

I'm ecstatic! I can't stop grinning!

I'm gonna be an aunt really soon!!

Shanee made me promise that she's the first person to hear the news or that gets a picture. Promise already broken. If you leave the country, you nullify all that! She'll be okay. The pictures will be here when she gets back!

I cannot wait to see this lil boy's face. From the 3d ultrasound, he's got some very distinct features. Large round eyes that look like they might bulge out a lil bit, a nose with a bump in it, a shit-ton of hair, and thick lips. How much character can a newborn's face really have?! I think he's going to be very interesting-looking. The texture of his hair and the color of his eyes has been up for debate for 9 months now, and we finally get our answer! I've been saying soft curls with gray eyes. My mom thinks he's gonna take more of the black genes and actually have some pigment to him with a tighter curl more like mine and my brothers. She's holding out on saying an eye color. Devin said that if the baby picks up that red hair and freckles thing, he isn't claimin it. Crazy thing to say because he and I are both speckled, we just happened to snatch up the dark hair...combine that with some white genes and you never know what you're gonna get! (Is it sad that black people sit around talkin about this?) Anyhow, I have a feeling that he's going to be one of those babies that people do a double-take at because his features are so distinct. By that, I DO NOT MEAN UGLY. Just not a typical face of a child. I told my mom that and she said that if that's the case, it will work in his favor once he's older. I don't know how much truth there is to it, but she said that women are attracted to men with strong features. (If he's even straight!) Either way, whatever he looks like, I cannot wait to lay eyes on this lil man and hold him. I'm gonna fall in love today. My mom is so shocked, she never imagined that I would be this into a baby.

Anyhow, before I can go home to baby-wait with the family, I've gotta get my eyebrows done (my mother will not spend another day dogging me because of the 5 o'clock shadow looming over my eyeballs lol) and stop at the airport to pick up my California cousins that are flying in today. Then we'll hit the interstate!

Consider yourself warned: there are LOTS of pictures on the way!

missin' her and a tough ride

2009-05-15T19:25:00.002-04:00

Shanee left for Jamaica super dumb early this morning.

As soon as she contacts me, I'm telling her that she can never leave the country without me again.

I miss her.

Her and I talk nonstop all day long. From the moment we rise until the moment we pass out...we are in constant communication. It's been like that since day 1. Yes, even through these past three months of pure hell...I was still talking to her. I may not have said a single nice or positive thing to her, but we were in communication.

Sometimes we have legit dialogue and discussion about something important, sometimes we just shoot the shit, and sometimes we talk shit to each other. I'm assuming every couple is like that...communication styles vary and whatnot. Right now, I'd take any. I just wanna talk to her!

She has been so sugary and syrupy sweet to me the past couple weeks, I guess I'm going through a withdrawal. I'm really glad that she's got the chance to get away. This past semester has kicked her ass, she's been extremely busy with all her extracurriculars, plus I cursed her out for 9 straight days....she deserves some fun in the sun. I feel so immature and stupid when I get like this, but I already know she's not going to miss me as bad as I miss her. She's with her mom, grandma, and sister. The four of them are like old girlfriends...they just laugh and joke and play around and have a great time together. I'll be lucky if I cross her mind once or twice each day. I guess I need to just grow the hell up, she'll be back by Wednesday.

I've got a personal trainer now. I decided today that I need one. I didn't know just how bad I needed one until we talked today. We discussed my current workout practices and I had absolutely no clue that I was overworking. I didn't know that once your heart rate got so high that the body begins to break down muscle at almost the same rate it breaks down fat. How counterproductive??! And my ab routine is actually causing my stomach to bulge out more than it would if I didn't work out period. I learned a lot of useful information and cannot wait to get started. My first official training session is next Friday.

One of my coworkers is leaving Sam's to start her own business so a bunch of us are supposed to go out tonight to celebrate/bid her farewell. Only thing, it looks like there's about to be a tornado and the Weather Channel is blowin up my inbox with warnings and alerts as I type. I hate going out in storms, but I'll probably never see her again if I don't go. Plus, I need a nap. My bike ride today exhausted the hell out of me. Just my luck, I got 10 miles from the house and my bowels decided to move. I hauled ass back to the crib as quickly as I could and I made it, but damn it was uncomfortable. Too much physical strain to pedal as hard and fast as I could, plus clench my cheeks...I'm wore the fuck out.

Kinky Twists

2009-05-13T01:56:00.002-04:00

There ain't nothing I can't stand more than kinky twists. I hate when girls wear their hair like that. I think it's so horrible.

Friend knows that I feel this way.

So, this weekend, just to spite me, she put them in. She said to herself, "Fuck Erika" and began styling her hair.

Ain't that some shit?

A Kiss from Heaven

2009-05-11T19:39:00.002-04:00

I'm in a weird place right now. I just woke up from a nap but I feel very strange. I'm not sure what I want to do, if anything. I wanna send a few texts out to find something to do, but that would mean putting clothes on and leaving the house. I'm feeling lazy. Part of me wants to take off into the sunset on my bicycle...but another part of me just says nooooo. I wanna run over to the weight room and get a workout in...but my butt just kind of feels glued to the chair. I'm looking around at my bag from this weekend at home and the heap of dirty clothes...there is work to be done in this apartment, but again...nooooo. I'm hungry, but don't feel like obtaining food. I'm really just in here, wasting space.

As mentioned, I just woke up from a nap. Something very strange happened. As I was partially asleep, I felt a presence. Someone was standing over me. I got kissed on the forehead. I wasn't dreaming yet...and wasn't quite all the way to sleep. When I was little, my father would get a good laugh out of me by grabbing my shoulders and bringing his face really close to mine really slow, then giving me the world's quickest peck and jerking away from me really fast. I would fall out in giggles each and every time. That's how this kiss on my forehead while I was half-awake was. The presence came on slow, I felt the contact, then it was GONE. I jerked all the way awake at that moment and tears began to pour. I don't know if I was crying because I was scared, part of me felt psychotic, and it made me think about a conversation with my mom yesterday. She asked me if I remembered those doors opening and closing the morning of the funeral. She said that she'd been talking to several people and they had all kind of asked her if she'd gotten a sign from my dad yet. I'm not sure how widespread this belief is and I'm not sure that I buy it, but apparently a lot of people think that you get a sign from your loved one that they are okay. I definitely remember being there the morning of the funeral when those doors opened and closed like that. And I can rememer back to 1997 when my grandfather died..the morning of his funeral, two big yellow smiley-faced balloons came OUT OF A CLOSET and floated right up to the dining room table that 6 of us were having breakfast at. I don't know if that kiss was supposed to be my sign...or if I was just trippin. My mom kind of irritated me and upset me with what she said yesterday...she said that if those doors were supposed to be her sign, she thinks that he came in through the garage, let us know that he was there, then left out through the front door. She said that if that's true, she wishes he would have stayed. My eyes got huge and I asked her why on earth she would have wanted that. For him to just be in her house like that. She didn't want to talk about it any further. I think that's crazy. I'm going to sit her down and really talk to her about it if one more thing happens because she's already done something that I think is borderline nuts. On the coffeetable next to his recliner that he sat in 24/7, she's placed a tea cup and saucer. He used to sit there and sip tea all day. It wasn't there the last time I was home...she's done it recently. I asked about it. She said it's comforting to her. When I looked at her with the blank face, she said "what??! I don't actually put tea in it!" Praise Jah for that. I still think it's odd. But it's her house and if she likes that little tea set sitting there, then ok. But if she says or does anything else, I'm gonna sit her down.

Despite that, Mother's Day was nice. Her and I woke up and went to church on Sunday. The pastor's wife gave a message that moved no one. It just wasn't a good sermon. After church, my mom decided she wanted a haircut, so we went to the mall. The only person in town she trusts with her hair wasn't working, so we grabbed a snack and left the mall. We went to the movies and saw Wolverine. It was excellent! Then we went home and had naps. My brother called us when he got off work and we all went out to eat. There was a sour moment in that though. We walked in the restaurant and my mom requested a booth from the seater. My brother's fiance is due to give birth in exactly a week...so I turned to her and asked her if she would be comfortable with that. Her response was "I'll be fine, are YOU gonna fit?" She immediately threw her arms around me and told me that she was joking and I went ahead and laughed it off. Nobody else said anything. But later that night, my mom told me that it really pissed her off that she said that. We all know that it was an ignorant thing for her to say and I didn't expect anybody to interject...I'm almost 26 years old, I can put people in their place on my own if need be. At the moment, I laughed it off and forgot about it. But when my mom reminded me of it, it suddenly hurt me feelings kind of deep. I've always been big. I'm not sloppy and I've got a lot of muscle...but I'm large, there's no denying that. I'm just thick all the way around...I don't have a waistline or anything lol. My mom sometimes tries to talk to me about my eating habits because there's no reason that anybody should work out at the intensity that I work out and be the size that I am. If I really watched what I ate, I could be a lot smaller. I guess it's not that deep to me. I honestly don't think about it that often. It's never been a problem. I'm good at sports. I never did without friends. I've always had people to date and talk to...there's not a shortage of thin women (my preference) who like big girls (lucky for me). I think what hurt is the fact that nobody has ever said anything to me about it. I've probably been dogged behind my back, but nobody has ever in all my 25 years of livin' made a blatant comment to my face. My mom and Shanee both gassed my head back up and reassured me that it was the dumbest thing that she could have said. I would be lying if I said that her comment hasn't crossed my mind a few times today though.

Speaking of Shanee, I think all systems are a go. I've really thought a lot about things. Her and I have come to an understanding and we are going to attempt to start fresh. I think it's dumb when people say that, but I really am going to try it. I have handed her an awful lot of shit in the time that we've known each other. I asked a random question on Twitter last night "If your girlfriend lied to you so that she could spend the night with some other chick, would you work it out?" I got three replies and they were all negative. Well, that's what I did to her, for no reason whatsoever, about 6 months into our relationship. Lied to her so that I could kick it with some other chick. Ignored her phone calls all night long. She accepted my apology and we worked it out. Without rehashing all the fucked up things that I've done,that's small compared to some of the other stunts that I've pulled. Shanee actually has a blog. I will never share the address, so don't ask! But she only gets in the mood to write when I've done something horrible. So, it's basically an entire blog about how big of a dickbag that I am. I should be ashamed that such a blog even exists. They say that karma is a bitch and I can honestly say that I've gotten back what I've put out. Her timing was absolutely horrible for her to decide to be that damn selfish, but if she can forgive me for all the shit I've put her through, then there's no reason that I can't forgive her. I decided to weigh out what matters most...two years of her being by my side and damn near being a dream come true when we weren't being a pain in the ass to one another then just dropping the ball at a crucial moment....or two months of her being a jackass. We've talked extensively about what's going on and what has happened and how each situation was handled and how she's treated me and she's serious about never having it happen again. I genuinely believe that she is sorry for the fact that she dropped me on my face at the hardest point I've ever come to in my life. This could turn out to be the biggest mistake I've ever made, but I'm willing to try it. I'm giving it one last go. It'll be a slow ascent to the top, but I've gathered renewed faith and interest in our situation. (anybody who's been following the story is probably rolling their eyes, and that's okay lol)

Tweet tweet bxtches...

2009-05-08T18:48:00.003-04:00

I honestly don't think I've been this turned off in a long time. I'm really just feelin over it all.

I asked Shanee if she ever dreamed that I could be this hateful. She got maaadddd earlier when I told her that she must like suckin her own dick. That was just my colorful way of saying that she seems to enjoy just turning inward and focusing on herself and shitting on everyone else in her life. She said that she never imagined that I had this in me. Of course, she didn't. She never had a reason to. But she has fucked me up so bad on the inside, it's like anything goes with her. I'm really runnin off at the mouth. And smiling about it too. And I dare her to say anything back. I told her she should be happy that I am even giving her the time of day. The fact that I still have it within me to go completely off on her says a lot for the emotion and the passion that I feel for her. She should thank her lucky stars I even still feel anything for her. But I definitely arrived at a conclusion the other day and she said that it's been obvious to her for about a week now. Funny that others can see my emotions before me. But anyhow, I realized that I love her...but I do not like her. And that's real talk. Part of me even hates her. She disgusts me. Turns me off. When she broke up with me, I went around my apartment and yanked down all her pictures and threw them in a drawer...and I went in the drawer last night and started to dry heave.

Friend called earlier. I abhor the telephone. I don't even answer my mother's calls. Real talk, I send her to voicemail. And on Sunday when she made her decision, I told her I wasn't calling her ever again. If she wanted to talk, she has to do the calling. I was just being honest with her. She decided to call today. I went ahead and picked up for her. It was general conversation at first...then she started hittin some nerves. She asked me what I thought about the comment my friend E left on her blog, the part about her having constructed a tripod of herself, myself, and her oblivious boyfriend. I told her that it wasn't a tripod anymore because she kicked one of the legs out. She then asked me did I think all this was easy for her. I had to let her know that no, I didn't think it was easy for her, but what about me? Told her she was only thinking about herself. Then I told her that we could be friends, but it really has to be a mild-ass friendship. Earlier she had texted me like "I wanna be in your arms." I texted back "sorry." She wanted to know why I gave such a dry response...I told her because it's not kool to be affectionate anymore. That's over. If we're gonna be friends, then we're gonna be friends. She said that she can't just erase all the feelings she has for me. As much as I understand that, she has to erase the action part. Feel whatever you want, but don't let on. Then she began talking about how she doesn't want to lose me. I was like, "I just told you that we could be friends!" Then she started saying that she just wants to be happy. Doesn't everybody?? Isn't that what the American dream is all about? The freakin pursuit of happiness? She said that she questions whether or not she made the right decision. I don't remember exactly what I said, but her response really stands out. She said that she had three reasons for making her decision and she does not doubt that. Said that she is confident in her choice of picking him over me, and that she doesn't regret it and that's not what she's questioning. She's questioning whether or not she should even be with him period, without even taking me into consideration. It stung for her to say that, but it was also dumb. I told her that if she's so confident that he's the better choice and that if she has no regrets or questions about passing me up, then why is she on the phone talking about she doesn't wanna lose me? She didn't have much to say about it. I didn't say it on the phone, but why is she texting me about wanting to be in my arms and why did she just have to let me know that nobody fucks like I do (her man obviously must be hittin it better than me! for that purpose alone, I'm clearly the winner if my sex is really just off the hook!) and why is she so concerned about who else I have sex with? No questions right? No regrets? Last night, she said she was getting all worked up because she thought I was having sex. Doesn't sound like somebody who's so confident in their choice to let me go. She really does wanna smash one cake down her throat and then sit squarely on another. I didn't say anything to her that she didn't already know....common sense says that if you questioning a relationship just on your own, without the presence of a better person, then there's something wrong with it. Why be in it? She even said that one of the reasons she picked him was because she knew he wasn't going anywhere. He's a sure thing. I continued to call her out about all the contradictory things and she didn't have a lot to say about any of it. She ended the conversation when her nephew wanted to play. After we hung up, I got this little text that said she isn't going to question her decision anymore. Funny that she's suddenly so sure that she can just put it behind her and move on...earlier in the conversation she couldn't just forget about it. *rolls eyes*

Between these two women, every single button that I have has been pressed and held. I've got half the mind to tell them both to just riiiiiide out. Leave me the hell alone. They've left me emotionally exhausted. With Friend, I pretty much asked for most of it, but that one conversation in which she tried to basically tell me that it wasn't about me that she's feeling so conflicted (bullshit) made me sick. All signs point to yes. I even told her that I feel sorry for her boyfriend. I meant it too. She admitted that if he knew the truth, he would be so gone. She's keeping up a real good pretense. If it isn't obvious, she really struck a nerve. They have each hurt my feelings some kind of bad and it has brought out the worst in me. I have a really ugly ability to be downright evil and hateful when I'm feeling bruised....do most people?

The other day, I did decide to go ahead and cancel my date tonight with that chick that popped up at my job the other day. I'm so glad that I did. Feeling the way I feel about women right now, she'd probably have got cursed at just for being there. I went to the movies last night with an old fling. It was really nice to see her. She's cuter than I remembered and she seems to be happy. That wasn't always the case. Happy is a good look on her, as it is on everybody. We're just friends now and even though I considered pressing it a little last night to see where exactly her mind was, I think I'm definitely going to leave it alone. Just be friends with her. Enjoy her for that and that alone. I am going to the movies with my cousin tonight...should be a good time. I need to just continue to do low-key, laid back things. Even though I did plan a threesome earlier, lol, I still might not go through with it. As much as I want to, I know that if I do it, I will be trying to do it again, and next thing I know I'm gonna be smack dab in the middle of some more bullshit. Even though I fully enjoy physical pleasure (who doesn't?), I think I need to fully be alone and just let my insides heal. From everything that's gone on these past 3 months. I'm all black and blue on the inside. I keep my chin in the air, but shit...I wonder can anybody see through the facade. My emotions are fucked. Not so bad that I can't function, but I feel like it's a smart move.

In other news, I have succumbed to the power of Twitter. Even downloaded TwitterBerry aaannnnd a TweetDeck. I made it possible to just tweet all damn day...and I really try to, lol. I don't know who has it and who doesn't, so if you do...holla: E827

Confusion runs so deep...

2009-05-06T10:30:00.004-04:00

I have never felt as conflicted about a person as I do about Shanee right now. She asked for my mother's home address yesterday so that she could send a Mother's Day card. She's really turnin it up. I feel like she's either going to fuck around and not send one, or she's going to send it and then do something else to fuck things up between us again. I told her how I hadn't even told my mom and brother that her and I had split. Just didn't have the heart to. It would have hurt them to know that I was double hurting. Mourning the loss of my father AND the loss of my relationship all at the same time. My mom is so protective of my brother and I, she probably would have asked for her phone number so she could call and really let her have it. I didn't want them to worry about me any more than they already were, so I spared them that information. My mom still asks about her all the time and I just say "oh, she's fine, finishing up the semester, preparing to graduate." It's a satisfactory answer. My brother asked about her at the cookout because there was this baaadddd chick there and I asked about her...he was tellin me all about her and he was like "..and she's single!" But then he immediately frowned and looked at me sideways and was like "what about Shanee, why are you asking about other chicks?" I told him I was just curious...told him that Shanee and I are kind of on the outs. He just nodded his head and kept drinkin lol. I told her that if she sends a card to my mom on Mother's Day, then she has to be her daughter from here on out. She said nothing would make her more happy. I smiled and wanted to throw up all at the same time.

And I don't know if I'm touched or just 100% turned off by something else as well...she now wants me to tell her what time to come home when she goes out. She said that she needs a concrete time for when to be in the house so that her and I are always on the same page. I told her that on weeknights, 12:30 and 1 is late to me. I would prefer that she be in the house by then. Last week, her and her roommate were coming in around 2ish and some boys had broken into their building, waiting on some other girls that live there. Her roommate told them to wait outdoors. They said they weren't going anywhere. When Shanee and the roommate tried to push past them in the narrow-ass hallway to get to their apartment, words were exchanged and it ended up with the roommate being snatched up by the neck and Shanee being thrown down some stairs. She says her legs are all bruised up. That night was the first night that she'd called me in over 2 weeks and she cried the moment she heard my voice. I personally feel like she's only had this huge change of heart since that incident because it shook her and let her see what's really important. When something horrible happened, only person she wanted to reach out to was me. I think that let her see that to break up with me when I was going through something horrible was the worst thing she could have ever done. Anyhow, I told her that I don't like her being out late because I'm concerned about her safety. North Philly ain't no punk. Plus, she's not a big drinker so most nights, she's the only sober one out of her friends, so she's gotta safely deliver everyone to their house at the end of the night, which means she comes home alone often. And last week proved that the danger can be up inside her front door, not always lurking in alleys and whatnot. I just don't like her staying out late. She has poor judgment (if you open your door and see strange men, you turn and haul ass outta there, you don't confront them!) and I just feel like she'd be better off coming home earlier in the night. Annnnd another reason, she calls me when she gets in. I don't like phone calls at 2 and 3am. I wake up tired and feeling shitty when my sleep has been broken. So if she comes home before I'm too far gone, then we have less problems all the way around. I guess she's trying to see that now and just figures things would be easier if I told her when exactly to come home. I told her I'm not her daddy, but if she wants a curfew, I'll give it to her.

Friend and I seem to have just kind of fallen back into our friendship. I don't have any fucked-up feelings towards her...I even meant it wholeheartedly yesterday when I told her not to question or regret her decision. I did tell her last night though that I wished I could smell her. That glorious combination of Dove soap and shea butter is very comforting...it breeds calm and peace. She likes that I'm so into her physicality. I breathe deeper when I'm around her because I can't get enough of her scent and she enjoys me getting my fingers lost in her ever-growing puff of natural hair. I wonder for how long I will think about those things. Her voice lingers in my head. She's from a city that's known for being hood...it used to be the murder capital of America. She said her favorite thing to do in summer is sit outside and watch the ghetto people stroll up and down the street. She is educated, she's smart, and she talks proper English...but every so often, it slips out. When I first met her, I immediately asked her where she was from because people from that city have a distinct dialect. She said the same of me...she could tell I wasn't from Indianapolis, I have the dialect from my hometown. Anyhow, she sometimes leaves R's off of words. Twitter is "twitta" and I just have to grin each time she says it. Hair is "heah" and there is "theah" and so on. Car is "cah" lol. We were supposed to go to Atlanta pride together...I think we still might. Probably is a horrible idea, but I think we like horrible ideas. She was supposed to be studying yesterday but she was textin, talkin about "i would like some sweet pain inflicted on me right now." Well. Call your man, lol. Naw, I told her I wish I could inflict it. I do.

Time to leave for work...

Women Schwomen

2009-05-04T17:09:00.002-04:00

It's over. Friend and I are done. She chose her dude. I wasn't surprised. Luckily, I had kept my guard up enough to not let it totally hit me like a ton of bricks. Even still, it didn't stop me from saying a few mildly hateful things to her as she walked out of my apartment last night, after she came over to get her leftovers from when I took her out the night before and basically finalize things. It's all good though. She's in love with him...she only liked me. I immediately yanked my sheets off the bed...I didn't wanna smell her as I drifted off to sleep. Plus, I didn't wanna lay in our sex from yesterday morning...we woke up at 9 and it was immediately on and poppin, until 2pm. Despite letting me know that she was not going to get out of her relationship, Friend texted me today tellin me that I'm the best sex she ever had. I kind of wonder what will happen next time we see each other. We obviously have some crazy sexual attraction and chemistry, I'm not sure that her and I can be trusted in a room together.

Yesterday was my brother's cookout. It was sooo much fun. I thought it was going to be emotional because my dad wasn't there...not at all. It was a little dramatic because my mom cornered my aunt, the one who's a bitch, and cursed her out. My aunt left immediately and everybody carried on and had a great time. My brother and Jackie were very impressed with the turn-out...they hadn't expected every single person they invited to show up. It was about 60 people there. Food galore. So much fun. My only regret is leaving my camera at home.

I did have a lot on my mind while I was there though. A whole whole lot. Shanee has spent the entire weekend apologizing. She has really owned up to everything and taken responsibility for all the problems in our relationship and how shitty she treated me the past couple months. She understands that when shit mattered the most, she dropped the ball completely. She has identified a lengthy set of things that she needs to change if she ever wants to have a successful relationship. It was interesting to hear her. She said that even though I think she's been bullshitting around, she has spent a lot of time thinking about herself in terms of our relationship and her responsibility in how awfully it ended. From the way she spoke and talked about things, it did show that she fully understands the extent of the problems and that she has been thinking and reflecting. I didn't curse her out, but I did spend 3 hours on the phone with her yesterday and last night really lettin her have it. We went over EVERYTHING. I explained to her that she didn't know just how bad she'd hurt me and she didn't know what she'd done. She made a fool of herself apologizing. I'm still not completely sure that I buy what she's selling, but I do have a lot of things to consider. Her and I were in a relationship for 2 years. The whole time, we were 600 miles away from one another. If I don't give her a chance to move out here and us try a normal relationship, I will always wonder what-if. I will never fully know what we could have had. Nothing will ever negate, take away, or make me forget how bad she treated me the last two months...but I can walk away and say that I gave it everything I had. Plus, she told me that she wasn't ever going to stop trying. She said that she loves me way too much to give up, said that she can't live without me, and said that she isn't going to leave me alone. Told me that I'm stuck with her. Looks like I'll have a bugaboo. I can't lie though and say that part of me hasn't been dying to hear all this ever since shit went bad in the first place. It was music to my ears. I do love her a lot, she's just been a dickhead. Even her mother told her that she's gotta find a better way to deal with her stress, she can't just cut people out of her life. It's not an excuse and she realizes that. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Twice within the past 2 years, I've caught feelings for other people. A girl named Shay, and then Friend. When I met Shay, I wasn't attracted to her. I mean, I knew from day one that she was super cute, but that was it. As time went on, our feelings grew and I told Shanee about it. She, of course, dumped me. Three days later when Shay got so pissed at me that she asked me to leave her house, Shanee was calling me as I got in the car and was about to pull away from Shay's house. She was calling me to try and win me back. I, of course, went. I still loved her, I only liked Shay. And now, right when things go bad with Friend, Shanee returns to plead her case, try and win me back. There's gotta be a reason that it keeps happening that way. Shanee even said herself that something feels like deja vu. I did go ahead and tell her all about Friend. She said she only has herself to blame for making it so easy to pick up and catch feelings for someone else. But there's gotta be a reason that each time I've liked another girl, that girl drops me on my face and it seems that Shanee is right there wanting me back the moment it happens. And again, I like Friend, but I love Shanee. Plus, I have to consider something else...I have taken 6 or 7 breaks from Shanee in the 2 years we were together. Maybe two of the times, it was legit. The other times, everyone always told me that it could've been worked out and that I was being really harsh. This is the very first time that Shanee has ever insisted that we be apart. I believe that her timing was so awful that it trumps any break I've ever taken, but at the end of the day, she has always been willing to get back in our relationship, and so something just doesn't quite seem fair or right for me to never give her another shot after the one time that she broke up with me. I'm just 100% torn. I am confused beyond belief. I have no idea which way is up. I have no clue what to do. I have missed her and I have been dreaming about her pulling her head out of her ass and realizing and she finally did it. I can't let go of the fact that it all happened in the first place though...it's kind of too late for sorry. She should have given it more thought before she made up her mind. I'm sure I'll come to the right decision soon enough.

The chick from Saturday before last, the one that turned me on to something in the bed, decided to pay me a visit at my job today. She made general conversation, but then had to throw in that she hadn't heard from me and wanted to know why. I didn't answer because we had talked yesterday and she wants to go to the movies on Friday. I agreed to that. I think I will either cancel, or go to the movies and then not invite her back home with me. Even though I enjoyed the sex, I don't like her. The sex was definitely kool, but not good enough to do again really. I don't wanna spend time talking to her...I don't even like the sound of her voice. She's got some funny, country-soundin accent that isn't attractive to me. Plus, she smokes and I could taste it last time I kissed her. And then she also turned me off at work, before she inquired about me not calling, she said she was hoping to get laid off from her job so that she could just collect unemployment. How ghetto and lazy can one broad be?? The moment that left her lips, I scratched her off my list. I'm down to 2 chicks...and I don't even really like either one of them. I either need to round my team back out, or just forget about it. Spend the summer riding my bike and mindin my business. Plus, when the baby's born, I will be in Terre Haute in all my spare time anyhow.

I think that's all I really needed to free my mind of...

Biggest Mistake or Best Thing Ever...

2009-05-01T21:44:00.002-04:00

Well, it's pretty much a wrap for me.

Friend has cast a spell on me or something. I don't even think she's fully aware of the extent of my attraction. My friend E commented that she's never heard me talk about anybody like this. That was after I told her that it's been a really long time since I looked at anybody and saw beauty. Most times, it's something superficial like "ooo she look good" or something. Nope, not with her. I see beauty. And it's not just skin deep. She's got a beautiful soul. Without realizing it, she's done a lot for me these past few weeks and I appreciate her very much. She pretty much has all the qualities and characteristics that I would want in somebody that I was going to be exclusive with. She got one demerit for waiting until I was at her house to clean the bathroom floor though lmao...we'd had these plans for a week, she knew I was coming!

We pretty much just chilled. Met at her house, went to eat dinner...the waitress liked us lol. All up in our face, gave us four free appetizers lol. I snatched her up by the waist as we walked out and the hostesses were all like "awwww." Then we went to CVS to pick up her medicine and I guess we looked all extra flirtatious because the pharmacist was like "have a good night and be good." Neither of us have had anybody tell us to be good like that lol. We must have looked like we were really up to something. We went back to her place to kill time before our movie started. That's where I got a little handsy. She has natural hair and I can't keep my hands out of it. I love the way it feels in between my fingers. I basically spent about 20 minutes just all in her face, then we went to see the Soloist.

I don't know what that movie was supposed to be about...like, I didn't walk away with a lesson or a moral or even feeling entertained. I called it within the first 10 minutes that Jamie Foxx's character was schizophrenic, but other than that, I can't tell you anything about it. She was all in it. I think her eyes even glazed over with tears once...I watched her instead of the movie. About halfway through, it really sank in that she doesn't belong to me. She has a boyfriend. She's in a relationship and it's not with me. She's not mine. It hurt. More than I thought it should or would. So I went to sleep. She kept waking me up though. All my preoccupation is why I probably didn't really watch the movie.

We got back to her house and she got on the phone with her dude. I sat and watched "my best friend's girl." I enjoy Kate Hudson. Their conversation wasn't long...she was disappointed because he elected to work instead of spend the weekend with her (some shit I would never do!). Anyhow, when she was done with him, she came and curled up in my lap and went to sleep. I played in her hair some more...I've never been into anyone's hair before, so that in itself is kind of big for me. After a lil while, I told her we were goin to bed, so we went and laid down.

AND WE WENT TO SLEEP WITHOUT TOUCHING EACH OTHER!

This morning though, I woke up to hands on my back, in my hair, on my arms...things that are normal for our friendship. But there was something different to it this time. She laid in my arms and we talked for about 2 hours. Discussed the situation and what we should do. I kind of feared that it would be our last time hanging out. We obviously can't leave each other alone, but we shouldn't carry on either. She told me that I'm her weakness. Said she finds me sexy from head to toe. Said that when she gets around me, she just can't help herself. (I wish I had that effect on all women!) We kind of touched on the notion that even though it isn't right, chances are that we'll probably continue to see one another and fuck each time. And her boyfriend, if he keeps on opting to take these weekend gigs, is setting it up real nice. She said she doesn't want it to just be about sex and I assured her that we'll keep our friendship first.

Anyhow, we did end up getting down lol. I guess that negates my enthusiasm and capital letters from up above lol. I had her do what the chick from last Saturday night did that just had me about to lose my mind. It was enjoyable, yet again lol. Soon after we were done, she went to work and I came home. Since her man cancelled on her, I thought about just stayin at her crib and being there when she got home and surprising her. We could have made another day of it. But I decided not to because I figured I needed to put some time and space between us. I'm really diggin her, but I need to guard my feelings. We need to let it cool between visits so I don't get completely caught up.

In other news, Shanee decided today to fill me in on the fact that she's been doing a lot of thinking and she's genuinely sorry for all that she's done and she knows that she could have done a lot better. She said it hurts her that I'm so disappointed and that she hurt me the way she did and let me down so many times. She owned up to everything and took responsibility for all that she's done that crushed me the past couple months. I asked some probing questions, none of which she had the answer to. She said that she's going to do some serious self-reflection about it. She has identified a definite disconnect between her feelings and actions. And she has a problem with authority. If someone says something, she instantly wants to do the complete opposite. She's been that way since she was a child. I reminded her that I never demanded anything from her...it was a relationship, not a dictatorship. She's grown and can think for herself...it was a never a case of do-as-i-say. But I believe a general rule of thumb when you're in a relationship, you listen to each other and if one person is uncomfortable with something, it shouldn't happen. That's just general respect and courtesy in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. I'm not even friends with people who don't respect my feelings. She said that her whole life, she just did whatever she wanted and so when she met me and I actually had standards, expectations, and boundaries, she didn't adjust right away. And Lord knows she didn't! I reminded her that I was spoiled as a child as well, but I don't have this instant and constant urge to just defy and resist what people tell me. She does. If I tell her that I really like white sneakers, she'll immediately go put on black ones. If I tell her that I like her hair down, she'd instantly find a reason for why she needs a ponytail. She's just like that. And as sick as it made me for the whole two years we were together, it wasn't ever a deal-breaker. I told her today that she's too damn old to act like that. Who, past the age of 3, just disagrees for the sake of disagreeing?? Here lately, there are a lot of things that I think about that weren't ideal about our relationship. Each of them, on their own, wasn't ever enough to call it quits...but looking back on it, I'm not sure that I would pick it again. I'm not really sure how open I would be to trying it again. She said that she understands that she needs serious work, but I think it's too late. I told her today that I'd never give her 100% again. I asked her how she felt about an open relationship. She wasn't impressed. But there's honestly no way I could ever be in a relationship with her again and be totally serious about it like I was. I'd probably cheat, lie, and bullshit. The conversation ended up pretty much deadlocked...I told her that she'll never have all of me again and that it was pointless to work anything out unless she got her little issues under control..she said she feels like it's just best that she stays out of my way since it's obvious that I'm so resentful and I don't really have anything positive to say to her. Stalemate. So who knows if we'll talk again or not.

I dragged myself around town today and made myself shop. I got some shorts and some shirts and some sneakers, some socks, chapstick, and a new shower head. I'm set for the season now. The last time my mom was here, she said that my towels and pillows and sheets were triflin. Maybe I'll correct all that next week, I'd had enough shopping for today. Plus, it's my stuff, she doesn't have to deal with it on the daily. And no one else complains ;-)

E, a player?! Noooooo...

2009-04-28T19:09:00.003-04:00

Friend admitted last week that when we met last year, she automatically had it made up in her mind that I was a player. Not because I have so much game or my swag is just ridiculous...she just looked at me and decided. Based on my appearance, she assumed I must keep a bunch of females. She said she realized after being around me for awhile that I'm not a stud (she thinks all studs are players). I asked what brought her to that realization and she said "because you said you weren't." I rolled my eyes hard at that lol. After some prompting and digging, she listed off my characteristics that aren't typically attributed to a stud and we got on the same page about who and what I am. Apparently it took quite a few conversations for her to realize that I'm soft. Anyhow, I've explained to her that there's Single Erika and there's Relationship Erika. Relationship Erika plays no games. Single Erika seems to kind of love games.

She told me on Sunday that I'd been a player this past weekend. Truth be told, I did surround myself with various women all weekend. I woke up with one chick Sunday morning, then took another one to lunch, then went for drinks with a third. I don't consider this playing. I'm single and I'm just dating. Playing would be if I was in a relationship with one of these ladies and I'm definitely not. So, no harm no foul. However, I feel like each of them turned it up a notch (in small ways) this weekend. Lady Uno (the one who I got adventurous with on Saturday night lol) invited me on a trip this summer. Lady Dos would not let me know where she lived when we first met because she's dealt with stalkers in the past...but on Sunday, she gave me the green light to kick it at her crib whenever I wanted. Lady Tres (she talks way too damn much) now wants me to be cupcakin' on the phone all night, which is a no-no. And on top of that, she's just ignorant as hell...she wanted to discuss my racial background, so I told her. She laughed and said "so you really don't even have a race!" I was silent. wtf.

I don't know if Shanee reads this blog anymore or not. I have a feeling that she doesn't. But a small part of me is waiting on her to read it one day and then go the hell off.

It's no secret that I'm really diggin' my Friend. She's just all-around great. I can't really identify at what point my feelings really went through a growth spurt, but she definitely has my attention in a way that it hasn't been caught in a good lil minute. Of course, the timing is absolutely horrible and it makes it uncomfortable to be so wide open. She expressed to me last week that she would like it if she got to hear my voice every now and then...I'm a texter and honestly tried to just get a data plan when I bought that Blackberry awhile back. No need to call anyone or have anyone call me lol. I just don't really get into the phone really. Anyhow, ever since that conversation, I've been clockin a lot of hours on the telephone. And I'm not even opposed to it. I've actually enjoyed it quite a bit. However, I'm not so far in yet that I've just thrown all precaution to the wind. I realize that I'm really setting myself up for some serious disappointment and hurt feelings. That boyfriend situation is really complicating things. There's such a force...I feel her drawing nearer to me and simulataneously keeping me at arm's length. I'm just gonna go with it...see what happens. Keep on datin the other women and being whatever Friend wants me to be.

My mother has hassled me about going to grad school so much lately that it's disgusting. I don't even want to hear about education. There still is not a single progressive thought in my brain. If it ain't about women or having a good time, I'm not interested. I'm not thinking about the future, a career, getting a better job, or advancing my education. The thought of all of that just makes me nauseous. I was reading some really old journal entries from my paper files today and ran across one that made me smile. It remined me that I didn't used to be like this. I did used to look at situations and the world around me and feel something. I didn't always have such a superficial existence. Here it is..it's from 2006.

6:13p...
Seven white people are leaving Starbucks, one black man is approaching the entrance. He holds the door for the first six people and the last white man ushers him in and says "after you sir, you've been patient long enough."
Amen!

I can't wait until I get back into a state of mind where I'm actually thinking again. I'm surprised that girls even like me these days...I'm so blank. So surface. I'm offering nothing. I swear I can actually hear myself going "doo doo dooo dooodoood doo dooo" in my mind. Like elevator music. There's nothing. I wish I could be a fly on the wall while I go on these dates. I'd like to see just how blank my face is. It's amazing what grief and life-changing situations can do to a person.

.....

Good Lovin

2009-04-26T17:32:00.003-04:00

Good things come to those that keep an open mind. Especially sexually.

Without telling way too many details, I let some shit happen last night that I've never been into.

And I was in for a real treat.

An Invitation

2009-04-24T14:59:00.002-04:00

Opened up the mailbox like a typical-ass day. There's a red envelope. An invitation. My brother and his fiance, Jackie, are throwing a barbecue in a couple weeks as a chance to mingle the families. I found myself wiping tears off the invitation as I looked it over.

1. My baby brother, at 22, has a house, a beautiful woman by his side, a beautiful precious baby boy on the way, and is throwing his first-ever barbecue, complete with cute invitations in the mail. I've watched each stage of his life unfold and I can't believe how quickly he's gotten it together. I love him with an intensity that is scary. I can't imagine how I will feel about my own kids, if I ever have any, if this is how I feel about my brother. I'm so proud of him. He has truly gotten his life together and quickly too. I remember all too well the days I would wake up to a ringing phone and my mother frantically telling me all the mess that my brother had gotten himself into...the random hole in the dining room wall that's the perfect size of someone's head....the ring of rust in the bathtub, the exact same size as a keg....the 20 pairs of Victoria Secret panties strewn around his room after she'd been gone for a weekend.....the pounds of marijuana she found stashed around her house.....the morning she left for work and found him asleep in the garage, his driver from the previous night was too pussy to ring the doorbell so they kindly left his passed-out body in the garage.....the morning he called her from jail asking for a ride home. Just everything that he's done, everything he put my parents through, it all just seems like someone else did it. The young man that we see today is not that person. Everytime that Justin Timberlake song comes on, I think about him. The old him really is dead and gone. Now, he can still party and cut the hell up when he gets ready, but he really does have it together now. It's enough to bring tears to my eyes.

2. I, as well as the rest of my family, have to prepare for a summer of cooking out without my dad. I don't even know if my brother's barbecue is good...he learned from the best, but I've never ate anything that he grilled. My father used to put on with the cookouts. They were famous. When Keith McGee fired up the grill, you had better hope you were around before the food was gone. If my dad said he was grillin, I would call off work and everything. It was worth it. What's more important....a day's pay, or shootin the shit with family and friends, eatin some fire-ass food, and drinkin cold beer as the sun goes down?? Obviously option number 2. I am so thankful that I had the sense to realize that at the time and I have all the memories and whatnot from those times with him that I can't get back. I just can't even imagine a cookout without him. The barbecued food I remember most is from a night that I was 17. My mother had cut my hair for the very first time, so I walked through the house to find him and noticed him out on the patio, standin over the grill, turnin chicken. I watched him pause, grab his beer, and bottoms up on it. I flung the door open and he looked up at me as I stood there with less than an inch of hair, and in his shock and surprise, spit the beer all over the grill. He broke out in a huge grin and told me how great it looked. I've never really been real pressed about having my mother's approval for anything...his was all I was truly after. Anyhow, that night we ate delicious food. He made me promise to keep it a secret that he spit beer all over it. I guess just summer in general is going to be hard to deal with. He got attacked by birds once because he was sittin out on the deck on a cool spring evening and began doing bird calls....he was so talented at it, that two male birds kept coming closer and closer to him and he kept doing the mating call or whatever, and the two male birds got territorial, I guess...and they flew past him and upside his head with some real intensity...he had scratches. This time of year makes me think about those things. I know that my brother's shindig is going to be pretty tough. Just that laid back atmosphere, I can't believe we won't share anymore cookouts together. Again, it brought on a lot of tears.

I'll never underestimate the power of a little invitation in the mail again...

Christina Aguilera

2009-04-22T17:12:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was the longest, most boring day of my life. I was offically on the clock at work for 14 hours. I spent the first half at a Diversity & Inclusion workshop. It was semi-educational, mostly a bunch of no-brainer type things. It gave me plenty of thinkin' time. I thought about the things going on right now and I came to a conclusion. I want to date a white girl. A true white girl. An anglo. Not one that hangs around a bunch of black people and acts ghetto. Not one with a whole bunch of attitude. I don't even want her to have soul or any sort of rhythm about her. Just white as white can be. I don't want her to like rap music, I don't want her to wanna go to black clubs, I don't want her to use a bunch of slang. None of it. I want something completely different. If I ever happen to run across a black girl with these qualities, I'm snatchin her up for sure. But I do want to date a white girl, just once. I almost got one's number a few weeks ago. Lady Gaga was playing at the club and I sang along to one of the lines and this blond chick threw her arms around my neck and was like "you know Lady Gaga, you steal my heeeaarrttt!!" She was cute, but I decided she was too drunk to really converse with. I think I've just been overwhelmed by ghetto chicks lately. I really do need to move away from Indianapolis, to a bigger city where there's more people to choose from. Everybody is so hood around here, it seems. Maybe I'm not hanging around the right people or going to the right places, but I'm growing discouraged. I don't want a cursin, ghetto broad that's ready to fight at a moment's notice. That seems to be what Indianapolis is full of. Can't I just get a nice young lady that's single and knows how to act like she's got some sense? Where are the women whose cell phone isn't on disconnect every other month?? Can I meet a young lady who doesn't always have her sister's kids, or her neighbor's kids, or just some random kids that don't belong to her with her?? I want a young lady that doesn't smoke. Can I call a chick just once and ask her to go out and just get a simple yes without her having to "get a ride back from my cuzin house, then run to the beauty supply, see what time I'm supposed to braid RoRo's hair, and wait for my sister to come pick up my nephew." It'll be 11:30 at night before all that gets completed! I get so sick of that. Just tell me no. Direct me to another date on the calendar that you might have free, or at least less random chores and errands to do for other people. What makes me even more sick is dealing with females that keep pushing things back because of disorganization and chaos that they have in their life. Don't make plans with me for 5, then call me at 4:50 and say you need an hour. It's so unattractive, on top of rude and disrespectful. More often than not, these are the types of women I run across. No act-right at all. A woman that has her shit together and seems like she's got a clue about how to treat a person and how to act is a real prize around here. I'm sure they do exist and I just haven't ran across them yet. I already know what half the deal is too...the women that have it together or are working very hard in an attempt to have it all the way together, I'm friends with them. Or like my one Friend, they're already involved in something else. *sigh*

Speaking of Friend, we discussed things a little more today. Not really in-depth, but we shared feelings. She admitted that she fell hard for me back when we first met, in October. She said that now, since she's got a man and all, she has been really just swallowing her feelings and ignoring them, minus Saturday. I asked her is it really fair to her boyfriend that she's with him, but actively trying to squash feelings for someone else? Her response was "what can I do about it?" I told her that it was for her to decide. I really think that she does want to be with him and just wishes she didn't like me. The whole time we talked today, I had that same feeling that something was going unsaid. I felt like she wanted me to dig deep and reveal some intense feelings or something, but she wanted to give up very little. She wants to fight it bad. I did go ahead and tell her I missed her and asked when I was going to see her again and she said "the weekend after Mother's Day." I told her that it was too long from now and she said I could come stay with her next Thursday night. I really and truly am not going to do anything that night. I am not touching her unless she touches me first. I kind of wish nothing had happened and that nothing changed between us. Our affectionate friendship was perfect before anybody's feelings came to the surface.

I'm sleepy...

Saturday night...

2009-04-20T21:16:00.003-04:00

Saturday night was interesting.

My friend (I'm not creative enough to try and nickname her for the sake of blogging about her lol) got here around 10ish. We got dressed and ready to go. We gave each other the up and down before we walked out the door and she mumbled something to herself that she refused to repeat. We got to the club and met up with one of her ex's and the ex's current girlfriend. They were nice. We just drank, danced, and had a good time. Everything was perfectly friendly until we were walking away from the bar at one point and I had her around the waist and she gazed up into my eyes and was like "I'm emotional when I drink...I think I should leave my boyfriend and be with you." I shrugged my shoulders at her and gave her the clueless face. We kept drinking and dancing. After awhile, she led me to a chair in the back corner of the club and sat me down and gave me the lap dance of all lap dances. I'm mildly ashamed of how trashy it got...but you can only bounce your breasts in a super low shirt one centimeter in front of my face for so long before I'm latching on. I ended up leaving big black hickies. Not red, not purple....black. All over her cleavage. When they announced that it was last song and last call, we left. I'm not sure how the night was prefaced to the ex, but she said she liked me and told my friend that we look really good together. Makes me wonder what was said about me before we all met up. Friend seemed really happy that Ex liked me. That's twice now that she's been happy about somebody liking me. I met her mother and one of her sisters a couple weeks ago and she was happy that I made a good impression with them too (they are super religious and DO NOT LIKE girls like me). We left the club and rode back to my house, her up on her knees so that she can lay her head on my shoulder. We got to the crib and went inside and it was on. When we were through, the first thing out of her mouth was "forreal?!" I just looked at her. Then she was like "OHHH EMMM GEEEE...you'll never be with me now, will you? Because of what we just did, you'll never be able to trust me." Again, blank face from me. Then she started talking about how she appreciates my friendship and she's so happy that she has me to talk to throughout the day. I decided to open up and tell her that I appreciate our friendship too. We were quiet for awhile. Then she was like "you're feelin me?" I looked at her with a question mark on my face. She was like "a couple weeks ago, you told me that you low-key kind of liked me." I had forgotten about that. I did tell her that a couple weeks ago. She had remarked that she's glad I don't treat her the way she sees me treat some women and I got a little into my feelings and told her that I low-key kinda liked her. It's true. I went on ahead and told her all the reasons I liked her and the "awwwww's" got louder and more drawn out the more I talked. But then she brought it all back down to reality..."I love him and you love her." She was right. No reason to even keep talking about any of it. We were quiet for a while longer and then she began thanking me again, for being who I am. Then she was like "you are such a good catch, I hope you know that." I just nodded. She was like "no, do you know that?" I nodded again. She was like "no, I want to hear you acknowledge it." So I told her "I'm a good-ass person and anybody would be lucky to have me." That satisfied her, even though I didn't feel really good about what I'd just done. She spent a few minutes kissing my face, then the other truth set in. She had hickies all over and would be going back to her man's house soon. I laughed hard at her as she freaked out about it. That was right around the time that her boyfriend called and told her that he was off work and if she was still up, he wanted her to come over. She got her clothes on and left.

The next day, she felt extremely guilty and horrible. I apologized for my part in that. She said she takes full responsibility for what happened. She's worried because those hickies are not going to be gone anytime soon and she says that even though he's lame, her boyfriend is quite intuitive and can sense things. I really hope that nothing happens and her relationship stays intact. She does love him a lot, I guess, and I think she would be really heartbroken if he wasn't in her life. I honestly do wish that we had the freedom to do what feels so natural between us though. I don't necessarily want to, nor do I have the emotional capacity right now to, be in a relationship with her (trust would be an issue on both sides probably), I just want us to be able to do what feels good and right without guilt or hesitation. I want to have my cake and eat it too. Obviously so does she.

.....

I had a date last night...

2009-04-18T17:29:00.002-04:00

I had a date last night. It was okay. Sparks didn't fly or anything. I just took her to dinner, we went to my favorite Japanese steakhouse. The rice was overcooked, which has never happened before, but the steak and sushi were definitely on point, as per usual. Her conversation was good, she's very smart, has two degrees and working on the 3rd, she's got a nice smile and very engaging eyes. She accused me of having a complex because I wouldn't let her leave the tip. I had to explain to her that when I was a child, my mom only cooked about 4 nights a week and the rest of the time, we were at restaurants. During these dinner outings, my father would talk to my brother about dating and courtship and how to treat a lady. He told him that when a pretty young lady was out with him, she shouldn't reach anywhere near her billfold. Little did he know, I was also taking notes during those little lessons. When I'm out with a pretty young lady, she doesn't go in her pockets. And definitely not on the first, second, third, or even fourth date. It was damn near a year before I let Shanee pay for anything when we were together. I convinced her that it wasn't a complex, I was just indirectly raised like that. The girl did drop a serious bomb though...she's got 3 kids. That's a no-no for me right now. After dinner, she asked me what I was doing. I answered honestly and said nothing. She said she had a birthday party to attend and invited me along for the second half of the celebration when they moved the party to a club downtown. I told her to hit me up when they got there. I realized this morning that I never heard back from her...when I got home, I ended up on the phone with Shanee for 4 hours and we went to sleep on there, which hasn't happened in like 3 months so it was nice.

More interesting though, my friend from my last post texted and asked me what I was doing last night...

Me: just showered and got dressed so i can take this chick to dinner
Her: aw, gettin you a team put together?
Me: yeah, somethin like that
Her: don't forget about me :-(
Me: why the frown face?!
Her: idk

I had that feeling in my gut that something was going unsaid. (ha, I just got a text from the woman from last night "hey you, thank you again for dinner i had a good time getting to know you. i didn't make it out last night which is why i didn't call or text..i was sleep! LOL") I don't want to say that she's catching feelings, but it would explain not being real happy that I went on a date and am actively entertaining myself with women. And when I got off the date, she wanted to hear every last detail. Her boyfriend works security at a club, so she asked me if she could stay with me tonight while he works and I agreed. We'll see how it goes. We're going to the gay club (there's only one black one in Indy). I offered to go to the club that her boyfriend works at and even offered to stay with her until it closes at 3 so that she could just go home with him...and she declined. I got into it really bad with a friend yesterday and she wanted to hear the details and I told her that it's a story for tonight if she ends up coming over and she was like "what do you mean, if?" Basically telling me that she's definitely coming. And this sudden guilt over our conversation and affection...all of it combined just makes me think that there's something going through her mind that she isn't trying to say. We'll see how the night goes...liquor, a warm rainy night, and both of us in the bed. I've already got it made up in my mind that I'm going to stay on my side and keep my hands to myself.

My eyelid is no longer twitching. It's shuddering now. I'm growing increasingly concerned about it.

I bought a bike yesterday! It's black and silver and I cannot wait until I have time to ride it! I'm purposely not drinking a ton tonight because I want to be able to get up early and hit the trails before I have to head to my hometown.

End of a Friendship

2009-04-16T21:49:00.003-04:00

I got the results back from my CT scan. Negative. Praise Jah. Such good news. Now, if we could just discover what's really goin on. I have had intense heartburn everyday since that initial attack last Monday. And it feels like something is growing in the left side of my abdomen. When I lay down, it feels like I'm laying on top of something. It isn't painful, just very uncomfortable. I've started taking some fake-me-out prilosec. It's only working kind of. My mom thinks I've got some sort of extreme acid reflux brought on by stress, or a hiatal hernia or an ulcer. I plan to discuss it all with my doctor at my follow-up appt on the 24th. The twitch was just about gone...but then yesterday, it came back with a vengeance. Just twitchin all crazy. And hard too. I think people would be able to see it if they looked closely enough.

It was a beautiful day in Indianapolis today. My friend Ashley and I went down to Broad Ripple and walked the Monon Trail for about an hour and got some fresh air. Then had dinner at an outdoor Mexican restaurant. (I know, eating Mexican is not wise when I know I've got this intense heartburn issue.) It was an enjoyable evening. I believe I'll be purchasing a bicylce in the very near future. Storage might be a slight issue, but I'd love to have a bike to ride this spring and summer. I would ride to work if I could convince myself to get up early enough. The only real downfall would be showing up to work sweating, but Ashley reminded me that if that's the worst part of it, then it's really not anything to worry about. I agree, there's worse things in life than pit stains on the job. It's not like I have some fancy job. I print pictures. Who.cares.

I hate the fact that such a normal, healthy, *beautiful* part of being a woman just kicks my ass. Each and every month. I get my ass handed to me on a platter. I've been at this for 13 years now...and I still wish death upon myself each and every time.

I bought another blackberry the other day. The curve 8900. It was time for an upgrade. I lost my blackberry a long time ago and replaced it with a Dash, which was a major mistake. That phone gave me nothing but problems. Over the weekend, when the metal part of it that surrounded the screen and buttons began separating from the rest of the phone, I decided I'd had enough. It was time for a replacement. I'm so happy to be back with a Blackberry. It took me a few minutes to get reacquainted with it, but I love the processing system so much better. It's worth some of the minor inconveniences.

So, I have a friend. I've been friends with her for about 7 months. She's really nice, very sweet, smart, in college, always smells like this wonderful mixture of Dove soap and shea butter, very pretty, and most important, we can talk. She takes me as I am, listens to me, gives me space to be who I am, no judging involved. I've decided that all those things found in one person is really rare. She's bisexual and currently has a boyfriend. But she likes to cuddle. She loves to cuddle. When her and I are together, we're affectionate. We hold hands, I kiss her face, I rub her feet and legs, she sleeps on my chest with her arms wrapped tightly around my midsection, our heads and faces are smashed together as we talk early in the morning, she likes to rest her hands at the very top of my inner thighs - grazin me thru my draws. We do all of this with no problem. I caressed her breast through a movie once and that was alright too. But today, she tells me that she's feeling guilty about some of our conversation because we tend to get sexual from time to time. Now, I know that the things we say and do to one another are downright inappropriate since she's in a relationship. But I just follow her lead. If she likes it, I love it. But she threw me for a loop today...saying she's guilty about our conversation, but all of our actions have never been a problem. Then she broke my heart when she said that she isn't certain how much longer we can continue to be affectionate like that with one another. I enjoy our friendship because of the ease with which we communicate and the affection. She's like the perfect friend. In this situation, it's also frustrating because her boyfriend is such a lame. He doesn't compliment her, he doesn't treat her like she should be treated, he disappoints her at least thrice a week. I feel like she needs to just leave him alone and keep on being friends with me the way we like to be friends. I can't just say that to her though. She just loves him so damn much. I'm just jaded and hate love right now and she knows that. I asked how come she suddenly felt this guilt and I don't think I really got a straight answer, but oh well. I suppose it doesn't matter. She said something about how she would be livid if he was talking about and doing the same things we were. She's right about that...I wouldn't want my girlfriend to entertain the type of things that her and I do. It's clearly way past the lines of friendship. But we just have that vibe together...that's the nature of our friendship. It's affectionate. They say that what goes around comes around...I'll probably pay dearly for this. This sounds horrible, but I don't even know if I know how to be friends with her without the physical vibe. I'm not sure I know how to converse with her without sayin something semi-vulgar. It's just disappointing.

.....

Easter Weekend & Certifiable

2009-04-13T21:59:00.002-04:00

About 6 years ago, I worked at Red Lobster. During my time there, I befriended two guys. They were the best of friends and had been since kindergarten. One of them went away to the Navy. The other began having sex with his girlfriend in his absence. This all happened about 3 years ago. And tonight was the first time they'd seen one another since everything went sour. I was invited to hang out with the two of them. I went along and truly hoped that there would be no drama involved. I believe I was invited for that purpose...so nobody would get too into their feelings and throw a fist or anything. In my opinion, it went beautifully. I think they felt a little awkward at times though. I believe they are on their way to getting their friendship back. I certainly hope so because I miss hanging with the both of them together. Part of what made it so awkward is that it's been three years since we have all had something in common...if one of them started to talk to me about something, we would have to bring the other up to speed. I feel like 25 years is a long time to have been around and I've honestly never been in that position before. It was different.

Shanee and I just might be certifiably nuts. One day last week, we spent 10 hours fighting. A whole ten hours. From the moment I woke up until well after I was off work. Just straight arguing. It was so exhausting and draining. Then the next day, she bought me a pair of jeans and I told her I wanted to meet her in an exotic location this summer. We're just up and down, back and forth. We make each other absolutely sick, but can't leave each other alone. Another day last week, she asked me about my dealings with other females and I told her straight up what I've been up to. I don't think she thought that I would be honest with her because in the past, I've always told her that what I do when we're on breaks is not her business. She thanked me for being real, but she wasn't impressed. I wouldn't have expected her to be. I guess she just knows me. She knows how I am and how I feel about things. Sex is sex and feelings are feelings. I don't combine the two. If I happen to find somebody in which both things line up nicely, then I've really scored. I guess she's confident in the fact that she's got my heart in a choke hold and whatever else I do while she takes her space or whatever, is just that...something to do. Like I told her...I am more sad, lonely, and bored than what I let on and women alleviate some of that. Books, movies, the internet, and other things I could be doing with my time just don't engage me enough. They're a nice distraction for a little while, but it's not satisfactory.

This Easter season, I went to two passion plays, plus church on Sunday with my mom. It was truly enjoyable. I desperately needed to be reminded of God's love for me and just how intense it is. My mom cooked a whole bunch of food and it was delicious. I'm glad she did that because it gave me hope that she isn't going to curl up and stop living on the rest of us. She went wild a lil bit too though...said that the Saturday before, she was missing my dad real bad and she needed a distraction, so she went shopping. The result of her shopping trip was Easter baskets for me, Devin, and Jackie. I've never in my life gotten an Easter basket like this one...it had green grapes, red grapes, apples, oranges, peaches, pears, granola bars, four kinds of chocolate, dried fruit, mixed nuts, eggs, and 50 dollars. Best Easter basket ever. And yet-to-be-born baby Damien got his first Easter bunny, a ball, and my grandfather's coin collection from 1972. My uncle was kind of looking at my mom like "this grieving woman has lost her mind." She typically doesn't put on like that. I guess she meant it when she said that she really needed a distraction because with all the food and basket-loading she did, I know she was busy for at least 9 hours. I sat and stared at Damien's 3d ultrasound pictures for like 40 minutes. I am just so enthralled with/by him. I cannot wait to meet him. To hold him. The little man with the big round eyes and a bump in his nose with thick lips. He's precious. No denying he's my brother's child...flipping off the camera in-utero. And there is absolutely no denying that he's a man...

.....

Lessons to All in avoiding disorganization and chaos

2009-04-07T20:33:00.001-04:00

Don't ever go to bed with a dead cell phone not knowing what time you have to be at work the next day.

Don't ever go to bed with a dead cell phone not knowing what time you have to be at work the next day while in the bed of a beautiful woman in a town an hour and a half away.

Don't let it be feelin so good the next morning that you literally wait until the last second to jump out of the sheets and throw last night's outfit back on and rush out the door. (while only guessing what time you have to be at work.)

Don't do all this on a night/morning that it snows in April because there isn't time to be clearing the car off.

Don't ever stop at Starbucks when the oldest person working in the building appears to have just turned 18...you'll have to explain 4 times how you want your drink made, then still wait 10 minutes for the hungover college students to pass your cup back and forth and snicker about your appearance as they add ingredients.

Don't ever hit the interstate in the snow/freezing rain mixture going 80mph in an attempt to get to a job that you're still only guessing what time you're due at. Your visibility will be horrible and semis will make it twelve times worse.

By the time you make it home and see your schedule, there will only be time for FPP. (When I was very young, my cousin and I would have sleepovers at my grandparents' house. My grandmother was too old and tired, I guess, to get two little girls ready for church, so she would call my aunt to come over and dress us and in the meantime, she would send us in the bathroom and tell us that there wasn't time for a full bath, we just have to wash FPP. We would ask what FPP is and she'd reply "face, pits, and pussy.")

Don't ever complete FPP and be feeling like you are about to die from hunger.

Don't ever look at the clock and realize that you have exactly 15 minutes to leave the house, obtain food, and be clocked in.

It can't end well.

Don't ever eat two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's in a ten-minute span.

You will have chest pains so bad that you will be doubled over at work and then taken to the emergency room.

You will look like an idiot when the doctor does an EKG and it comes out perfect, asks your symptoms ten times, declares that you have an intense case of heartburn, and then gives you an antacid and sends you on your way.

This was my Monday. 10 mistakes led to a lot of heartache, literally.

.....

Random Happenings

2009-04-03T22:10:00.002-04:00

I'm happy to report that I actually kind of like my eyebrows now.

I went to the doctor's office this morning to have my blood drawn. My doctor wants to rule out diabetes as the reason for why I'm having sensation errors and why my vision gets stupid when I work out. (My mother suggested that I just stop working out - I couldn't believe the words even left her lips.) He said that my blood sugar may dip extremely low when I work out and that could be why my vision gets dumb. I got out of bed and rolled to the doctor's office...didn't drink any water or anything. And my veins were nowhere to be found. Three nurses were in there slapping my arms and doing everything they could think of to make it easy. In the end, they had to just insert a needle and kind of dig around. I wanted to cry. I kept it together, but I've got a nice blue and purple bruise from it. Not impressive.

My mother has began going through my father's things. And it turns out that he was quite the journal-keeper. Turns out that we are more alike than what I previously thought. I blog, but there are things written with pen and paper that will never make it to the internet. Anyhow, she is reading them. And she's not very happy about what she's discovering. My parents were divorced for 5 years and when they got back married, my mother asked him how many girlfriends he'd had. He told her zero and said he hadn't had sex with anyone else. Big fat lie. She's reading in his journals that he was having the best sex of his life in 2007. She was insulted by that. And it hurt her a lot, that even at 55 years old, their 2nd time around at the marriage thing, he still could look her in the eye and just blatantly lie. She married him initially when he was 21, and she wasn't impressed with his lapses in honesty then. I guess, like most women, she figured that he would grow and change. But no. I know it's not respectful or probably even appropriate to discuss the character flaws of the deceased, but it is what it is. My mom said she's happy to learn that he wasn't completely alone during their divorced years, but I don't think she was expecting to discover everything that she's found. I suggested that she stop reading. It's not making her happy. Plus, those were his private thoughts.

I had a small, yet very good, conversation with Shanee about this. My father and I are strikingly similar, in both looks and personality. I have been knowing for a long time that we're similar and so I try my damndest not to exhibit his negative qualities, like story-telling. I abhor lying because I saw first-hand what it does to a relationship. I try really hard not to be like him in the negative ways...and like I told Shanee, in trying so hard not to be bad in his ways, it has made me horrible in other ways. At times, I'm hypocritical, I'm very demanding, and I can be quite nitpicky. For all of that, I'm sure some people would just prefer that I fudge the truth a little instead of some of the harsh treatment I've dealt out before. She assured me that I'm still an excellent person overall and that it's not a terrible thing to be so similar to my dad.

Speaking of Shanee, not much has changed. I've quit cursing her name under my breath every time "Heartless" by Kanye comes on the radio. I've had a few conversations with a few friends which has helped put things in perspective a little better. I don't feel anger towards her any longer and I'm really not even that sad about it anymore. (I'll talk about that in a different paragraph though!) From conversations that we've been having and just the general feel of things, I can now appreciate the fact that she loves me the best that she can, the best that she knows how, and with all that she has...the part that hurts is that it just isn't enough. We were playing around via text the other day and she said something smart and I replied with "your.self.centered.black.butt." and she was like "come over here so I can pop you!" and I had to remind her that "you no longer have popping allowances." She didn't like that too much. And yeah, I kind of take every chance I can to call her selfish in some way. Anyhow, nothing has really changed too much. We are still in constant communication from the time we wake until the time we pass out at night. We've even acquired a few additional inside jokes over the past few days. Her stress must be alleviating to a certain extent too (she got awesome scores on her midterms and projects that had her sooo stressed out) because her sexuality is re-awakening...I even got some texts today that sent a tingle through my body. I told her last night that I was asking once and for all...is there something going on or some other underlying reason for why she wouldn't have sex and then this untimely break up. Her response was something along the lines of "Erika, I know that I don't have to spare your feelings or make up excuses. I have been honest with you about my reasoning for things." So, okay. I'm not going to waste any more time thinking about it or pondering it. It is what it is.

Now on to the different paragraph. Earlier today, a friend asked me if I was still thinking about graduate school. I answered her with a big enthusiastic "NOPE!" She laughed and said that she was surprised by that. I told her that the truth of the matter is that I've slipped into this state of mind where nothing matters. I'm not thinking about anything. My general attitude is "fuck it." My mind is numb and blank. And I'm enjoying it. No thoughts of graduate school, no thoughts of a better job, no thoughts of anything but the here and now. This is probably why I'm not trippin over Shanee as bad as I was last week and have been able to come to this acceptance.

I had dinner with a close friend this evening and she told me that her pre-fiance (he's practially dying to be married) on their first meeting, put his finger in the air and said "I don't like any girls! They're all assholes and play too many games!" His feelings have obviously changed since they are about to move in together and it's only a matter of time before she's got a ring on her finger. Anyhow, I totally agree with his initial sentiment right about now. A coworker sent me a text the other day alerting me to the fact that she'd been having some dreams about me lately. I, of course, requested details. She gave them. I told her that it's time to live her dreams. (I'm fully aware of how unprofessional and inappropriate this is lol...but I've already given the disclaimer for where my mind is right now.) She denied me, saying that it wasn't a good night for me to come over. The next day at work, she approached me in the break room and whispered "It was really hard for me to say no to you last night." GAME PLAYER!! What an asshole, lol.

I think I am going to keep my yellow butt in the apartment tonight and go to bed early. This twitch in my left eye is slowly going away, but I have gotten horrible rest all week, so I'm going to let my body relax tonight and hope that the twitch will go away completely. In general, I have to get back to a healthier lifestyle. I have gained ten pounds since the funeral (I used to eat vegetabes, now it's loaded fries with everything I order), my sleep pattern is beyond fucked up, I've exercised like twice since the funeral, I drink too much, and this twitch is telling me that I need to knock it all off. My body has had it. Situations like today, on only 4 hours of sleep, I got up and went to the doctor, then the bank, then out to lunch with a friend and we were having drinks at 11am, then we went shopping, and were going to get massages, but it was a 2-hour wait. Already exhausted, adding alcohol to the equation, annnnd putting myself through the torture of the mall...my body deserves better than that. That's why I wanted the massage today. But I know it's deeper than that...I need to exercise properly again, eat right, and get adequate rest. I'm going to give myself the rest of the weekend to be disgusting, but Monday starts a healthier Erika. A return to the Erika I used to be before my dad got hospitalized.

In other news, my DVD player crapped out. I guess I can't be too mad about having to replace it...it was given to me by an old roommate. When we parted ways, she was like "you can keep it." I kind of miss this particular roommate. Living with her came with perks. For starters, she would shower with the door open and leave it open even as she dried off, lotioned up, did her hair, did her makeup. She took my lead on not liking to wear clothes in the house and most days, I would come home to find her cooking and cleaning in bra and panties. Her booty was so big, one of my male friends just straight-up referred to her as "the Donkey." The best part, she went through a nasty break up while we lived together and there were a few nights that she'd come in my room and be like "I'm lonely and sad, can I sleep with you?" Of course she could. I'd wrap her up in my arms and we'd pass out. I miss them days (and nights).

.....

Complications

2009-03-31T09:47:00.002-04:00

I went to Terre Haute on Sunday to have dinner with my family. It was nice. I was eager to take a look at everyone and kind of see for myself how everyone is doing. My brother and his fiance are seemingly well. We just can't wait for the baby to be born. My brother was pretty much back to his old self, laughin and actin crazy and whatnot. My mother, however, still has deep sadness just written all over her face. She wept a little at the table, but she also laughed a lot and had plenty of funny stories to tell and she too is ecstatic about the baby. It's just in her eyes...never in my whole life has she looked like that. Just pain. It's only natural...she met my dad when she was 14 and they were wed when she was 17. He literally has been her whole life. Everything that's ever gone on, he's been right by her side, even when they were divorced. I feel all left alone because Shanee broke up with me, but she is REALLY all alone now. Her biggest supporter, life partner, is gone. I was sad when she told me that she skipped her ring ceremony at her college because her and dad had planned to attend. She just couldn't see herself there without him. A group of my dad's friends also planned a couples vacation and they told her they still wanted her to come, but she declined. Said there's no way she could have gone without my dad. I'm gonna give her one more event to pass up before I really sit down and talk to her about it. I want to encourage her to carry on with her life. She's only 53, she can't just stop. I don't blame her for the couples vacation...would have been awkward. But there's also a huge, fancy wedding in Atlanta this summer (one of my cousins is marrying a Falcon) and she is already talking about how she doesn't feel like going. I think she needs to go. It will be a great time. She also shared that she still cries each and every night before she goes to sleep...the past two nights, I've really prayed extra for her because of that. Peace and comfort for her soul.

I guess the past couple days haven't been completely unventful...I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. A few weeks ago, I had an eye exam. The optometrist looked over my chart and remembered me telling her a year ago that whenever I work out, my vision gets hazy, like I'm looking through a fog. It doesn't happen any other time. At the time, she told me that I had exercise-induced high ocular pressure. Nothing to be concerned about, just the pressure in my eyeballs gets high when I exercise and if temporarily effects my vision. So, I chucked it up to a minor inconvenience and went on with life. Well, this year at the exam, she asked me if it was still happening. I said yes. She said that it concerns her and she wanted to research it and get back with me. The next day, I heard from her and she said it's Uhthoff's Phenomenon. It's linked to MS. I needed to see my doctor. So, I've been nervous. I had my appt yesterday and he took me through an entire battery of tests, all of which I passed marvelously. He said there isn't anything else he can tell by looking at me, so he scheduled me for a blood glucose test to make sure that diabetes hasn't crept up on me. And I'm being scheduled for a ct of my head. Because something else that's concerning is that my left arm and left leg often are numb, and they tingle, and sometimes they feel like dead weight. That's been going on for awhile, but I always just blamed it on poor circulation, or figured that I had been laying wrong or sitting funny, or that they were just asleep. But after the eye doctor said MS, I kind of freaked. Suddenly, I've been hyper-aware of the numbness and tingling and it's actually pretty constant. Like I told my doctor yesterday, it could just be psychological because I never paid it much attention before she said that. But we both figure it's worth pursuing, so I'll be having my head scanned. I've been in a lot of deep prayer about it. Kind of worried and scared. I haven't yet told my mother because I don't want to worry her or stress her any farther. I'll tell her when I find out exactly when my ct is.

A couple weeks ago, I called myself being economical and saving time and gas and decided to try and just wax my own eyebrows here at the crib. I fucked it up horribly. Shanee and a few of my other friends got a good laugh out of my horrible brows. I prefer to have them not be arched, just cleaned up a little so they don't look crazy. Well, one of them ended up horribly thin and the other one was almost perfect. I left them grow a couple weeks and went to a salon that's really close to my house and explained the situation to the girl. She said not to worry. So I leaned back and relaxed. She worked for almost 15 minutes, which is a little long for some eyebrows, but I reminded myself that I had come in there looking a mess and she was probably being really precise. When she handed me the mirror, I rolled my eyes. She did the opposite of what I wanted. The one that I had actually been okay with, she made it just as thin as the other one. And she added a nice strong arch to each brow. After I told her that I didn't like an arch. "You no like?" she asked. I told her that I was not pleased. I paid her anyhow and left without another word. I learned two lessons: Never attempt my own eyebrows here at home, and don't try a new salon.

.....

how's you and whatshername?

2009-03-28T19:38:00.002-04:00

Phone pulsates thrice. Text message.

Chick: hey u
Me: yoooo
Chick: what you doin tonight?
Me: no real plans yet. my homegirl supposed to come over and eat waffles??
Chick: you cookin breakfast tonight?
Me: Noooo lol, I will be leggo'n some eggo
Chick: oh ok. how's you and whatshername in philly?
Me: We ain't.
Chick: oh word?
Me: my bond.
Chick: well damn... ;-)
Me: *smirk*
Chick: must be my lucky day.
Me: perhaps.
Chick: hit me up tonight?
Me: chea, ok. grab a drink or somethin.
Chick: ...or somethin.
Me: later woman.

(I know that everyone wants my phone number now since I text so kool, haha)
I must be growin the hell up. This time last year, hell, 6 months ago, I would have been like, "I get off work at 4:30, meet me at the crib at 4:45." To have not instantly jumped at the chance signals a slight growth for me. I'm proud of myself for ending that conversation. For exercising some control and restraint. I can't really make any promises for how I may conduct myself as the night progresses though. I am sad as hell and still can't really wrap my mind around the fact that Shanee "needs space" at the worst possible time. It hurts pretty damn bad...but the bright side is that I can feel "Single Erika" coming alive. Time to brush off my game, get my swag back. It don't all come as easy as that text message implies. Plus, summer's just around the corner, it's kool being single in summer. Not my first choice, but it's kool.

I believe that my mother and I may be taking steps toward healing. We argued for the first time yesterday since my dad was hospitalized. My mother and I love one another, but we don't get along forreal. The running joke is that if we aren't fighting, something is wrong. And something has been very wrong. We honestly haven't said one smart or rude thing to each other in about 2 months...but yesterday, we had it out. That means that we're kind of feeling like our old selves a tiny bit. No need to just instantly agree with one another in an attempt to avoid confrontation. I was disagreeing with her and she got to hangin the phone up on me. That isn't anything new...I'm forever sayin something smart to her and having her hang up on me. But this time, I really didn't say anything smart. She was being rude for no real reason at all. So, after the third conversation that ended with a big "CLICK!" in my ear, I went off. I called her back and let her know that I wasn't feeling it, I didn't deserve it, and she should knock it off.

My left eyelid will not stop twitching. From what I understand about muscle twitches, in my situation, it's brought on by stress, lack of sleep, lack of vitamins, and too much alcohol. I guess I should take steps to get myself back together in terms of health.

.....

ooo i can't believe it...she don't want me, want me

2009-03-24T23:37:00.003-04:00

Shanee and I are "chillin."

She needs space. She needs to focus on herself. She needs to "do her."

My ride-or-die ain't ridin for me anymore.

I proposed last week that we give each other a little breathing room just because the situation had grown tense. But within two days, I could see that it was a huge mistake and I immediately wanted to reneg. I was miserable and didn't want to be "2/3 of a step back" anymore. Unfortunately for me, she flourished. She liked it. She enjoyed her little breathing room. And opted to keep it that way.

I have done some shitty things to her throughout the course of our relationship and she's always been right there, by my side, never leaving, never wavering. My babygirl. But now...now that I'm damn near depressed, now that I'm sad beyond belief, now that I need emotional support, now that I need her to have my back more than ever....she needs to work on herself. I'm needy right now. I'm going through the hardest thing I've ever faced in my entire life. Exxcccuuuuuse me for being selfish. Apparently, I'm just too much to handle right now. She can't be available when I need her and she said she can't be the girlfriend that I need her to be right now. So, she wants to take this time to just do her own thing so that she'll be better for me in the future. I told her we don't have a future...if she can turn her back on me with what I'm going through, why would I want to be with her later? If she can't handle me at my worst, then she doesn't deserve me at my best.

She keeps telling me that she's still available and still there for me and she's not turning her back on me and she's not putting any distance between us. She even told me that I was her best friend. That's new. I didn't even ask about it, I just reminded her that if she was my best friend, she wouldn't dream of turnin from me at a time like this. A best friend would put their own needs last and be the support that I need right now. There wasn't any response to that.

I'm just so blown. Talk about adding insult to injury. I don't think anyone has ever kicked me while I'm down before. It feels pretty terrible.

......

Like somethin out of a movie...

2009-03-21T17:02:00.003-04:00

I was at work today. Doin my lil job. Up to the photo counter walks this lady. A white upper-class, middle-aged woman. Blond hair. A deep tan this early in the season. She dropped off two rolls of film and then she whipped out a disposable camera.

"This is my daughter's...it was laying on her desk and I noticed that it was finished...I figured I would do her a favor and get it done for her while I'm here!"

I gave her the fake smile and filled out her order forms for her and sent her on her way. I process the two rolls first...it's just pictures of suburban family life...spring break on the beach, bicycle rides, pictures of a teenage girl in a formal dress.

Then I processed the last roll, her daughter's.

It was the teenage girl from the first two rolls...and she was with another teenage girl in the pictures.

Pictures of them lying across a bed.

Pictures of them with their heads pressed together making funny faces at the camera.

Pictures of them with their arms around one another.

Halfway through, the pictures quit being friendly.

It was pictures of them kissing.

Running their fingers through one another's hair.

Pictures of them staring longingly into one another's eyes.

The very last picture was two hands coming together to make a heart. Complete with matching rainbow thumb rings.

Of course, images of two women in love with one another is always a nice sight, in my opinion. But I didn't stop and gawk at the pictures or anything, just cut and sleeved the negatives and packaged the orders and soon forgot about them.

Until the woman came back to pick them up. I wasn't paying her much attention...she paid for the three packages and like most people, she stood right there at the counter and ripped them open. I always stay close by when people do that just to ensure that there's no complaints or concerns. I didn't watch her look through the first two...just saw her smiling out of the corner of my eye. Heard her soft sighs as she went through the pictures. This was a woman overjoyed with her perfect little suburban family...her heart was just bursting with love and warmth as she flipped through the images.

I didn't look directly at her again until I heard soft sobs. She was sniffling something awful, her face had gone beet red, and pure pain was in her eyes. She was going through the third package, her daughter's pictures. She just slowly, very slowly, kept flipping through them. She was studying them. She would grimace and begin to cry harder with each passing picture. I didn't say anything or move. I just stood there and looked on as she went through all 24 exposures about 3-5 times. She was in pure shock and disbelief. It hit me that she had no idea that her daughter was obviously very much in love with another girl. She had no idea what was going on at sleepovers and get-togethers. She was none the wiser to what was going on, probably in her very own home, behind closed doors when her daughter's "friend" was over. She seemed to be oblivious to my standing there. Just weeping openly. I kind of began to feel like I should offer up a comforting word or two. Then she kind of suddenly became aware that she was in public...she reached up and brushed her hair with her hand and hurried to dry her eyes. She did a quick scan of her surroundings to see who had witnessed her display of emotion. Her eyes landed on me and she straightened up a bit. I just looked at her with the blank face and asked her if she was alright. She gave me the up and down, took in my appearance. She kind of cut her eyes at me, as if it was my fault. As if I personally turned her daughter on to women. As if I planted the pictures there for her to see. Her face slowly softened up, as if she wanted to ask personal questions about my life...like why are people gay, and if it's the end of her life as she knows it. I wanted to tell her to just relax. There's worse things in life to concern yourself with than what your daughter does in her bedroom. (That's one thing I will always appreciate about my parents...when they found out that I was gay, they said "so?") I wanted to tell her that her perfect little suburban existence isn't shattered by the discovery of the fact that her daughter is dealing with someone else's daughter. She seemed so sad, like everything she'd ever worked for in her life had just been obliterated. Not knowing her or her beliefs and values, it very well could have. I didn't know what to do. I really did want to say those things to her. Wanted to tell her to just go home and give her daughter the pictures and then just sit back and wait for her daughter to come to her. Wanted to tell her to discuss it quietly with her husband, but not to make a scene about it. Wanted to tell her that it's okay. Instead, I gave her a half smile. She returned it, then told me to have a pleasant day, then turned and left the store.

I can only imagine what is happening at their house tonight.

It's been two weeks...

2009-03-20T00:26:00.002-04:00

I think the next several Thursdays are going to be extremely tough. Each Thursday ticks off another week in which I haven't seen my father alive or had an earthly conversation. I cried today specifically for that reason. It's really hard. I'm kind of mad at the world because it seems that people give their condolences and whatnot, then it's back to business as usual. It's like I want to throw my hands in the air and yell that it's not okay. Everybody needs to stop. I'm still hurting. Life can't just carry on like regular. I'm going through the motions, pressing on, have my chin up, and I'm maintaining. But moments today where it just hit me that my life will never be the same and it hurts with a pain so deep that it's indescribable. Shanee said some really nice things earlier about how she knows that my dad is watching over me and he's proud of who I am and it made the tears fall pretty easily. I only hope that it's the truth. The day of his surgery, my mother had arrived at the hospital about 40 minutes ahead of me and he asked where I was and my mom told him that I'd elected to sleep awhile longer. My mom said that his response was, "you know, she's been so fantastic to me. I couldn't have asked for a better daughter." I'm so happy to know that those were his last sentiments about me. I know that at the time of his death, he was very proud of me. I just hope that as the rest of my life unfolds, I don't do anything to change that. I just miss him so much. I hate that I live one block away from the hospital...I have to drive past there every single day and my stomach knots up each time. I know it will get easier, but it sucks for now.

Me and a group of friends went out to dinner tonight. Ran up a huge bill at Benihana. It was only mildly worth it. Then we went and had some martinis and struck up a conversation with the owners of the bar. We talked about dating and relationships and I learned a lotttt. One man said that the only way to make a relationship work for life is to lay down all your wants and desires in favor of the other person's. If both parties do that, neither party will go unsatisfied. You inevitably always meet in the middle. If you're putting all your desires on the back burner, there's no way you will let your partner put theirs on the back burner also...ergo, everyone ends up happy. The premise is so simple, but I had never heard it put in those words before and it really resonated with me. Had me feelin like I had been given the key to success in love and relationships.

Much more to write, but much too exhausted...

back back, back back...gimme 50 feet

2009-03-18T17:50:00.002-04:00

Hey Eren.....Unfortunately, no. I got nada before I came back home. Nothing.

Am I kind of over it? Kind of.

If I think about it for longer than 30 seconds, do I still get heated? Absolutely.

Her and I actually decided yesterday to kind of give each other some space. Breathing room, I guess. My exact words were "let's just take 2/3 of a step back" and her response was "ok booboo, sounds good." I need time and space to grieve and put my life back together, and I originally thought that she could be down for that. But the truth of the matter is that she just needs this time to focus on herself and do her own thing and have her fun and just be 21. I want and expect more than she can give me right now. And truth be told, we're different people than when we met. She had just turned 20 and I was 23 when we met...and now I'm 25 and she'll turn 22 in less than a week. (For most of the year, I'm 4 years older than her.) There's a big difference between 22 and 25. We want different things and we expect different things. I think we'll be a great couple when our ages level out and we're on the same page. At 25, I'm simply not amused when TWICE we're out at dinner and she attempts to blow the candles out at the table. When I was 22, I probably would have laughed, or even jumped in and did it too. I smirked the first night she did it...the next night when she tried it again, I just rolled my eyes. She doesn't see anything wrong with texting her friends while I'm there exclusively to spend time with her. It's rude in general to be at a dinner table or be in conversation with someone and also be texting someone else. But it's double rude to do that when you're with your girlfriend that you only get to see every few months. I feel like her and I's time together is so limited that we should be focused only on one another while we're in the presence of one another. She feels that since every single day we're in constant communication from the time we wake up until the time we go to sleep, she gives me more time and attention than she could ever imagine giving anyone else, so who cares if she texts while we're out having dinner. We just don't agree on things like that and she herself even says that it's because of age. She has kind of watched me grow up a lil bit too...she can see the changes in me from the time that we met up to now. She knows that I used to do a lot of sneaky and underhanded things at my job and I didn't really take it seriously at all, but that's a totally different story now. And she's really quick to remind me that if I were to compare myself at her age to how she acts now, I was wayyyy worse. She knows all my secrets and she's heard all my stories, so she knows that when I was her age, I was completely off the hook. But somehow, I expect her to be more mature and serious about things than she is now. Also, this weekend she made a handful of distasteful comments concerning race and sexuality that were very unattractive and I let her know that I wasn't appreciative of remarks like those. Basically, the age difference has just led us to mutually get on each other's nerves and wear each other out. On Sunday while we were at dinner, I flat- out told her that I was ready for her to get some age on her and come on up out of the stage that she's in. She was like "why, so I'll stop doing so many things that just get on your last nerve?" The answer was "exactly." It was a light-hearted conversation, but we both said serious things that we meant. I think that we both agree that if we are serious about being together in the future, we have to pump the brakes right now before we end up seriously disliking one another.

So that's that....we didn't part ways or break up by any means, we'll still be in contact with one another, and I still love her a sickening amount, but we each just need to focus on ourselves. It took the pressure off of her and took the expectation off of me. She's free to say as many inappropriate things about racial groups and subcategories of homosexuals as she likes, act foolish at dinner tables, and text whoever she wants because I'm not going to concern myself with it.

Anyhow, yesterday was my first day back at work in almost two weeks. It felt good to get back in a routine and for life to feel somewhat normal again. I was touched and kind of overwhelmed by all the wonderful things my coworkers said to me. I was surprised by some of the people who pulled me aside and told me that they were thinking about me and were praying for me. Also, a coworker of a friend, who I've only met ONE time for 5 minutes, sent me a card with her phone number in it and told me to call her if I ever needed to talk. I texted her immediately to thank her and let her know that I will definitely hang on to her number and will stay in touch. Her father just passed on February 16th, so we both have super fresh wounds. I suggested getting together to hang out and she instantly agreed. I think it will be a good thing. Although I never anticipated bonding with someone over the death of my father, I guess that's what support groups basically are....people bonding, uplifting one another, and helping each other through an ugly situation. Anyway, back to work also meant back to reality...my incompetent employees, of course, didn't handle shit on their own and I had a stack of things to sort through and get settled. By tomorrow, things should be back kool. It's annoying though. Today was kind of tough at work on an emotional level. I wasn't crumbling and falling apart or anything, but just very heavy-hearted. I was so thankful that my mom called when I was on my lunch break because her voice did wonders for me...I immediately felt calm and at peace. I haven't always gotten along with my mom or been very happy with some of the decisions that she's made in her life, but I am so glad that I have her in my life. Through my father's death, I am learning a lot of lessons that I wouldn't have otherwise learned. I'm also seeing some sort of silver lining...her and I have grown close. Hearing her voice on the telephone has never been a treat to me, but it is now. I'm thankful for that. A few posts back, I wrote about how Shanee is just naturally a positive person with a good disposition who isn't held down long at all by anything. My mother is the exact same way. Some would say that it's the reason I cleave to Shanee so strongly. They are very similar. Just the way they talk, the way they laugh, their positive energy, they get stressed out but they don't let it get them truly down and out, they're quick to laugh and smile, they have a playful spirit (Shanee's will return at the end of the week when midterns and projects are done)...and these qualities just set me at ease. I'm thankful to have women like them in my corner, pressed nerves and all.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I was officially through with facebook. So, I deactivated my account. Now I'm regretting it because there are some people that I would love to be in contact with and facebook was our only means. I'm thinking of getting back on there just long enough to get some email addresses and phone numbers, then being gone again. We'll see.

In other news, I drank too much green beer last night. Fell into that deep, dreamless sleep that only alcohol can drive a person into. I had a good time at the bars though. Love watchin people do the stanky leg. Good times are welcome these days.

.....

Sexless in Philadelphia

2009-03-16T09:19:00.002-04:00

My plane touched down in Philadelphia on Thursday evening. It's Monday. And no sex has been had.

I'm mad.

All of my attempts and advances have been thwarted. I have never in my life felt so rejected, unwanted, unloved, and unattractive. It's making me feel really insecure. I've asked about it and talked to her about it several times since Friday. She maintains that she's just got a lot on her mind. She's stressed over midterms, projects, and the fact that she doesn't have a plan for after graduation. Just said sex is not on her list of priorities right now. I'm deeply disturbed by this. I asked her about 6 times if there's somebody else that she's having sex with and she just doesn't have the heart to tell me right now because my dad just died. She swore that wasn't it. I asked if I'm not attractive to her anymore. Obviously my presence doesn't turn her on. She said I'm still sexy. I asked if my obvious attempts to be affectionate didn't feel good or even slightly put her in the mood to be sexual...she said it feels good, but doesn't wanna take it there. We went over it like 5 times and I still just don't understand why she's so opposed to having sex.

Maybe it wasn't right and maybe it wasn't fair, but I reminded her that burying my father just a couple days ago was wayyy more stressful than midterms and the regular senior year shit that everybody in college goes through. I know that everyone deals with stress differently....to me, sex is a welcome break from whatever is boggling my mind. To her, it's just not. She can't get turned on when other things in life get heavy. How unfortunate. But why can't she just set aside her problems for like an hour or two and focus on my needs???

I'm just deeply disappointed. We've been together, on and off, for like 2 years and we haven't seen each other in 2 months....no one can blame me for wanting some sex. She was all like "I don't understand why we can't just enjoy each other's company and have a good time. I'm having a good time just talking to you, being around you, and having fun." I felt the same way....but wanted that to include sex. She didn't understand what the big deal was and didn't think that sex was anything to fight about. Sex is important to me. I enjoy it a lot. I am not in this relationship strictly for the sex, obviously, since we live 600 miles away from one another. I love her for the person she is, but when I see her, I expect some sex. We've been together all this time, but she suddenly now wants to withhold sex. She assured me that I didn't do anything, as I already knew I hadn't. But I'm still very uncomfortable with the situation. She has said the same thing over and over...that she's stressed and has big things on her mind. She even said that she doesn't understand how I even want to have sex. She can't understand how I buried my father a few days ago, but still am concerned about sex. I don't see how I couldn't be thinkin about sex...what a perfect way to take my mind off things and just enjoy some good feelings. I told her that. And still nothing. I'm feeling like my needs don't matter. It hurts. This may sound immature or selfish, but I don't see how she can't forget about her midterm for a couple hours to tend to me and what I need, since she's claiming to be so sensitive to my loss. I often feel like she already has it made up in her mind how I'm going to feel about something and she doesn't pay attention or truly search for how I really feel about things. She just assumed that sex wouldn't be on my mind because of what else I've been going through. She never once asked me how I really felt or how I wanted to spend the time.

I understand that every person has the right to decide when they will or will not have sex. They shouldn't be pressured into it or punished because of their choice. But I am unfulfilled and dissatisfied. Stress or not, we have to take advantage of the little bit of time we have and make the most of it...and I would like that to include sex. Like I told her, for what we've been doing since I got here, which is eat, watch TV, and sleep, I didn't need to come visit, we could have did that over the phone. While I'm here, we need to do the things that we can't do over the phone, like fuck.

I asked her did she want me to begin seeing other people when I got home. I'm that upset about this. She was just like "if that's what you think you want to do...is that what you want?" I told her that I want to have sex. Preferably, I want to have sex with her. But when I see her for the first time after two months and she won't touch me, it honestly pisses me off. Makes me want to see other people. I hate that our relationship is long distance, but now it's sexless too? No thanks. I'm not some freak that can't control my urges. I can. But sex is still a big enough of a deal to me to be deeply upset by this. She said she acted nonchalant about it because it upset her that I would even ask that. She knows me pretty well and she knows how I am though. She knows what my sexual appetite is like. What part of her thought that I was going to be okay with not having sex this weekend?

She's always quick to say that almost all of our problems wouldn't exist if we lived in the same city. And she's right, they wouldn't. If we could see each other 4 or 5 times a week, one weekend without sex wouldn't cause me any grief. But she's failing to see that because we're a long distance couple, this one weekend is extremely important. There's no room for just not feeling like having sex.

I'm confused. I don't know what to do. Like I said, I just feel really rejected. Like she doesn't want me. Like I'm not sexy anymore. Like she doesn't care enough to make sure I'm satisfied. Do I just swallow my rejection and disappointment and frustration and carry on as if this is okay? Or am I really supposed to be understanding and accepting and again, just carry on as if I'm okay with it? Because I'm obviously not okay with it. But what kind of heathen does that make me to break up with someone because they didn't wanna have sex one weekend? It's probably a pretty dickheadish thing to do. And I won't break up with her over it. But I'm angry. And looks like I will return home tonight incredibly frustrated.

.....

this is what it is...

2009-03-11T23:48:00.002-04:00

I made it through the funeral today.

Kind of.

I cried so hard I almost threw up. My poor brother was the only reason I stayed on my feet...and that was barely. He weighs about 150 and he's 6 feet tall. He's a bean pole. I had on heels that put me at about 6'1" and I weigh 270. When I began to crumble, several people had to jump in and keep me off the floor. People were fanning me. People were running about bringing me water. I was escorted out of the sanctuary about 3 times. I snotted all over my mother's outfit. I buried my head in her chest and wailed out loud when they closed the casket. I was gagging and dry-heaving so much that a trash can was placed between my legs.

After the service, people just kept patting me on the back, telling me I did good. I wasn't quite sure what I'd done well, but I just hugged them and thanked them.

The service was nice though. I'm pleased with the way it all turned out.

On Sunday, my aunts came over to help my mother and I write the obituary and get things situated. My aunt (dad's oldest sister) automatically assumed we would be having visitation on Tuesday night and the funeral on Wednesday. My mother and I both felt that we couldn't withstand two days of standing around, hearing how sorry everyone is, and being faced with that casket. We just couldn't. One day was all we could muster. Plus, everyone knows that in small towns and probably big cities as well, visitation services are only used to view the body for about 10 minutes or so...once people have told the family how sorry they are, they just begin gossiping. Totally not why we're gathered. So, on three separate occasions, we told my aunt this. She came over on Sunday and told us that regardless of how we felt about it, she was having a memorial service for my father on Tuesday night. She said she wasn't asking us, she was telling us. She made it like we weren't doing enough for my father or we weren't paying enough respect or giving enough honor. My mom snapped. Went completely off. I began bawling. We argued. It ended with her giving me a half-ass pat on the back and telling me, "I'm sorry that things aren't as black and white as you think they are." She apologized to my mother and walked out. She really hurt my feelings some kind of bad. My mother's too. How insensitive and disrespectful can you be? At the time when we need comfort and support more than anything, she totally went against our wishes. Just rude. Everybody knows that it's in poor taste to go against what the wife and children want to do. Everybody keeps telling me that she'll get hers. To just let it go. And I will. She gave me a lil hug today and told me she loved me. I looked over her head and said it back...I have avoided eye contact with her. I basically think she's horrible. I'm sure those feelings will fade over time, but right now, she's disgusting to me. Today during the ceremony, a friend of my mother's got up to deliver words of inspiration and she was checking to make sure the people in the back could hear her, and my same mean-ass aunt yelled "JUST SPEAK!" How rude can a person really be? And I have a strong feeling that there's been some shit-talk done about my mother and I because my other aunt, the one that's had such a massive stroke that she's about as functional as a 4 year old and has no control over her emotions, won't even acknowledge me. I catch her staring at me at odd moments. With contempt in her eyes. She doesn't get up to hug me when I enter a room like she used to. She doesn't say anything to me. When I say hi to her, she gives me half of a smile. In her state, she's easily influenced and I think the mean-ass aunt has said some things outside of my presence that has made her dislike me. My dad was her caretaker, but when my parents got remarried, she had to move in with the mean-ass. My dad was too sick to be caring for someone else, but did it anyway to spare her from having to live with someone so evil...that's just the type of person he was. I think they are both harboring ill feelings because their lives became more miserable when my parents reunited. Who wants to be 60-some years old, caring for your little sister who can't do ANYTHING on her own, have about 3 failed marriages under your belt, nobody else wants you, and your own kids don't even really like you? Sounds pretty miserable. They came over on Christmas morning to find all three of us in the kitchen, baking cookies and playing around, waiting on my brother and Jackie to arrive so we could eat dinner. You could see in their eyes and from some of the things they said that they were jealous. Maybe I'm wrong for saying those things because there's no proof, but it's what I feel. My opinion is obviously subjective, but it's real to me. Only clue I have as to why she has become so distant and cold towards me. I'm curious about it, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make or break me. I don't see them hardly at all anyhow, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Anyway, I am glad that the funeral and making all the arrangements is over. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Like I can try to put my life back together now. My brother and I agreed that we can look forward now. It's never going to stop hurting, but the toughest of the tough is behind us. I know there's going to be plenty more occasions when we just ache for him....holidays, when Damien (who made his first debut in the paper in the obituary) arrives, when my brother and Jackie get married, our birthdays, both of my parents' wedding anniversaries....just those occasions that we've never experienced without him. They're going to be painful.

My mother and I got the freaking-out of a lifetime this morning. We're having breakfast and we hear the side door on our garage open and close. My mom got up and went to the door that opens into the garage, thinking it was my brother and Jackie. No one was in there. We figured someone had been snooping around the garage and we just heard them leave, so we dashed outside to see who we could see. No one. We get back in the kitchen, and only a minute later, we hear the front door open and close. Again, no one. It was spooky. We may be some grievin' folk, but we haven't completely lost it. Trust that both my mother and I would not have heard that if it didn't really happen. We're not crazy. My mom almost cried. I tried not to think about it too much, but I could tell it stayed with her for awhile. Devin and Jackie were lookin at us like we were nuts when they arrived and we shared the event.

It's been great getting to be around my extended family. I exchanged email addresses with 50 million cousins for the 50 millionth time and I really do think I will use them this time. We make the same empty promises every time we see one another. I was touched by one of my friends. On Monday, she went to her boss and told them that she had a funeral to attend on Wednesday and asked for the day off. Her boss said no. So she quit. Yes. That's right. She quit her job. To be with me on the hardest day of my life. Kind of crazy? Maybe. She has a house and a son to look after. But she quit. In the worst of economic times...jobs are not plentiful. She quit her job. I don't think I'll ever forget that. I couldn't thank her enough. I told her that she shouldn't have messed with her livelihood like that. But I was deeply appreciative of that. I was overwhelmed by the commitment and devotion to our friendship. No one has ever quit their job for me before. I'm quickly learning and seeing who'll ride for me and who won't. It's interesting.

I'm heading to Philly tomorrow. Gonna go lay up with my babygirl for the weekend. I need some lovin. Some hugs. Some time to just let my mind be numb. To do whatever I feel like I need to do in the presence of the only person in the world who doesn't judge me. My mom is the one who suggested I go. She said that it will do me some good. She said that I need to get away. It will be a good lil minute before I have anymore vacation time at work, so I need to make the most of this time that I have left. Plus, she said she's ready to be alone for awhile. I have been in her face since Friday and she'd been staying with me since the previous Tuesday and she's ready to just do her own thing. Personally, I'm not ready to be alone yet. I had every intention of staying at my mother's house until Monday the 16th. But she has made it clear that she's ready for me to roll. She even offered to pay for my trip. So, it works out perfectly.

Thank you for the kind messages and comments on my last two posts. I appreciate the concern and support.

3.6.9

2009-03-06T14:30:00.002-05:00

My father went into surgery yesterday morning at 7am. His body immediately began rejecting the pump they implanted. At 3am this morning, the surgeons had done everything they could for him. His body just would not stabilize. Throughout the night, they gave him $20,000 worth of blood...all the blood at the hospital. They were contacting the Red Cross for additional supplies. They went from Plan A through Plan Z. None worked. It was over.

I am glad that I got a chance to personally thank the surgeons who cancelled all the other surgeries throughout the day in order to keep working...heart pumps are supposed to take 4 hours to insert. The surgeon, as he cried, told my mother that he'd never worked 20 hours on a person before. Most surgeons would have been like "this dude has smoked his whole life and ate carelessly and didn't seek medical attention soon enough" and thrown in the towel. He had the best heart surgeons in the city and they worked tirelessly. Exhausted every last option. It just wasn't meant to be. His body just wasn't going to handle it.

I am so comforted by the fact that he was happy and joyful and comfortable this morning before they took him down. He told my mother that he's in God's hands and that he's okay with whatever the Lord has in store for him. I am glad that he is okay now. No more pain, discomfort, exhaustion, shortness of breath, swollen nuts, wondering what's going to happen next. He's home. In good hands.

My stomach is in a million knots. I don't know what to do, think, say. I feel so bad for my mother...she had truly prepared herself to help him learn his new pump and to look after him and be there with him as his health returned and he regained his quality of life. She has to find comfort in the fact that God will do the care-taking directly now. It obviously just wasn't in His plans for her to do that. More than anything, she was looking forward to grandparenting together. She had already imagined how joyous the day was going to be, when she drove my dad to the hospital and they got to hold baby Damian together. She couldn't wait for that. And now, he'll be a memory on that day.

My poor brother is beside himself as well. He feels a lot of guilt for not coming to the hospital yesterday morning and visiting with him while he was still alive and talking and happy. He missed my mom dancing for my dad and I. We got some real good laughs in before they took him down to surgery. My brother feels horrible for having missed that. He regrets not making enough time to come to the hospital as much as I was there, which was daily. My mother and I told him to let it all go.It's alright. He desperately wishes that he could have shown his son to my dad. He said that it's not often that the best man he's ever met is his own dad. We talked about how incredibly blessed and lucky we are to have had him and gotten this many years with him. We know way too many people who don't know their father or who have true dickheads as fathers....so we cannot even be mad or feel cheated or say that it's unfair that our father is gone. We're abundantly blessed.

I told both my mother and brother that dad is okay now. He's well. He went bravely, comfortably, and in peace. And I reminded them that God is still in control. He's still good. He is still worthy to be praised. He does everything perfectly and in order. We may hurt now, but we still have a lot to be thankful for. We have a lot of joy still left. We are still being blessed. Even though it was extremely painful to walk out of the hospital last night and to know that he wasn't ever going to leave, we're troopers and we're going to be okay.

As my mother packed her things and left my apartment, she held a finger in the air and said "we are going to be okay." She's right.

This is my first time truly being alone since it all went down. It's been cryish. I know that it hasn't set all the way in yet. This is only the beginning. It probably has to get worse before it gets better. But my mom is right...we will be okay.

I fully understand that God and the love of Jesus are the only relief from the pain. I've been knowin that. But it hurts so bad. Support from family and friends helps a little. I'm so thankful for all the people in my corner. Shanee has been right by my side through all of this, up until about 7pm yesterday...I was hurt and disappointed that she made the [horrible] judgment call to attend a comedy show on campus as opposed to checking on me and being available to me. If the shoe were on the other foot and her father had been in surgery for 12 hours on a procedure that is supposed to take 4 hours and her and her family haven't heard a peep from the O.R., there is no way that I could have just went and got my laugh on. No way in hell. I just felt that it was a really selfish and insensitive thing to have done. She came within an inch of getting cursed out something terrible. I later apologized for the things that I said to her. I explained to her that I meant every word of it, but the manner in which I spoke wasn't right. The things I said were mean and didn't make me feel any better. She apologized for her actions and forgave me for the names I called her. It makes me nervous about the weeks and months to come...can I trust her to truly be there for me? Can I lean and depend on her? It just reaffirms for me that it is completely foolish of me to think for a second that I can fully depend on man. I cannot put my faith in anyone other than God. Nobody on this earth can provide the comfort that I need and can only get from Him. But still...it hurts that she acted that way and now I'm left to wonder if she really means all the things she says. She really dropped the ball and knows how to add insult to injury.

Part of me wants to just take a shower, put on my clothes, go out to lunch, go see a movie, and just act like nothing happened. Just act like everything is fine. All is well.

.....

a brief (sike) update

2009-03-03T23:03:00.003-05:00

Yeah, last week, I was teetering on the border of depression. I've slipped in. Just the circumstances of things are tough.

My father is sicker than originally thought. They are implanting a pump in his chest on Thursday to do the work of his heart. When they cut him open to hook the pump up to his heart, they will do a biopsy of his lungs. They have some dark spots on them that are tiny. So small they can't test them. But when they lay his chest open to implant the pump, they will go ahead and take a biopsy of the spots. Whatever they are will determine whether he gets on the transplant list. If they are cancerous, no transplant. If they are just nodules that most people living in the midwest have, then he will get put on the list. But whether or not he gets put on the list, his heart needs help bad. We're praying that the spots are benign and that he'll get put on the list and that way the pump will just be there to hold him over.

The unthinkable happened a couple days ago. My aunt, a CNA, was at the hospital visiting with my father when he requested a bath. Her being the caregiver type offered to help the nurse do it. My cousin, other aunt, and I left the room. After about 30 minutes, my aunt went back in. There was a commotion. I stuck my head in the door...and saw my dad sitting on the edge of his bed with his nuts, the size of grapefruits, on display. I screamed and immediately began dry heaving so much that I was crying and two nurses came to my assistance to ensure that I was alright. I was mortified. When all was settled, I returned to the room, but couldn't look my dad in the face.

Anyhow, the current state of affairs is wearing on me. It is stressing my whole family out. My dad is being a real trooper about everything...positive attitude, isn't being too emotional, seems pretty brave. My mom was preparing for him to just wait on a transplant...this pump is going to require a lot of work and she wasn't prepared for all of that. She has to learn all of the equipment along with him and be ready to assist him as needed. He will not be allowed to leave the hospital until they both have passed a test on how the pump works and what to do in emergency situations and whatnot. They also have to complete a couple of furlows away from the hospital successfully. It's just a lot of work that she wasn't prepared for. Just being at the hospital with him 24/7 is exhausting...he runs her to death. His thinking is that he doesn't need to call the nurse for everything with his wife sitting right there...and her thinking is that the nurses are being paid to care for him and there's no reason why they shouldn't be called. On top of that, my mother has set up camp in my apartment. I love her, but I am used to being alone. She snores, she puts her feet on me in her sleep, she made me sleep by the wall, she accidentally reset my clock and I was too exhausted to realize it until way later, she sent my ipod crashing towards the floor after I told her not to pick up my speaker for it, and somehow, she's kind of clueless about things. She got married when she was 17, one week after her high school graduation. She has never been alone or had to do anything for herself. She went directly from her parents to my father...never had to learn independence, never had to be self-sufficient. She's not dumb by any means, but just kind of clueless about things. It shows by some of the things she says and her attitudes about things. There is one advantage though...she has taken me out to dinner each night that she's been here. It's welcome.

I don't think there are enough words to describe the disappointment I feel over the fact that I had to cancel my trip to go see Shanee. I needed to see her. Some kind of bad. I miss her so bad it hurts. With everything else going on, I need physical comfort. I need her around me. I need her arms around me at night. I need to smile naturally without having to tell myself to. But with my father in his condition, I could not hop on a plane and leave town for a week with him just being less than a week out of surgery. So, we are doing our best for her to come out here instead. It won't be for the whole week, more like 5 days, which is way better than not seeing her at all. I've got to. I need to feel her love physically. I'm not physically alone because my mother is here, but emotionally, I need my babygirl. Everything going on has been made ten times harder by the fact that I'm so lonely. Like, my heart literally hurts. I'm not exagerrating...true, physical pain is what I feel. Each time I think about not getting to see her, the pain gets a little worse and I have to fight tears. The most important thing is that I see her, but I was looking forward to actually getting away. Being in a different environment for a little while. And I had special plans to meet my friend Ty. We've been kool online and on the phone for like 3 years now, he's from upstate New York. We had plans to meet in NYC and hang out...I was looking forward to it so much. I feel like a child...just utter disappointment and sadness after being excited about something and then not getting to do it. The whole trip was going to be so much fun, getting to see Shanee, hang out in NYC and DC and Philly like always, meet Ty for the first time, meet some of Shanee's friends, just all of it. When I think about not getting to go, I just get extremely sad on the inside. I feel so childish for it, but it's the truth.

I've been dealing with some other feeings too that have gone unsaid thus far. I am jealous of my girlfriend. I'm not really sure if jealous is the word, but I'm sure it's pretty close. It's so easy for her to just have a positive attitude...I have to work a little harder to be optimistic. When she found out that I wasn't coming, she was upset, but she seemingly just put her chin back up and pressed on. It's just not in her nature to dwell on the negative things. I have to remind myself to look on the bright side and be positive about things. The past couple days, I've had to really talk myself into smiling. She's just got a positive spirit. Nothing really gets her down. She may be upset for a day over the major things I've seen happen in her life, but she's fine after that. I wanna be like that. In the whole two years I've known her, the lowest I've ever seen her be...I have myself to blame for it. I hate that. I'm jealous that her mom just booked a trip to Jamaica for herself, Shanee, her sister, and her grandmother. I'm jealous that she's about to graduate and I won't get to partake in any of the festivities. It's an exciting time in her life and I'm not going to have any part in it. Makes me sad. I feel kind of guilty because I'm the only negative thing in her life, at least to my knowledge. Everything else is bright and on the up and up. Her intramural basketball team is doing well in their playoffs, her school assignments are going well, she's loving working on her school's radio station, she doesn't complain about her job too much anymore, she's got a good group of friends, she's about to graduate, she's going to Jamaica...but she's got one sad-ass, stressed out girlfriend. Who's pretty verbal about it. Lucky for her, she's so busy and her schedule is so jam-packed each and every day that she probably doesn't think much about it. And I have a feeling that with the current situation, if something were wrong or she had something that she needed to talk about, she probably wouldn't even tell me because she wouldn't want to burden me further.

On top of everything else, I am thoroughly exhausted. Just worn the hell out. We had inventory at my job on Sunday night and I worked like 20 hours and I'm still not caught up or back on track with my sleep.

One ounce of good news: I didn't get an angry/stupid text from the girl in my last post. Haven't heard from her at all. Definitely good news.

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swollen nuts & other ramblings

2009-02-25T22:16:00.002-05:00

Ain't a lot really goin on.

My manager got his ass chewed out yesterday at work, which ended in my having to do some dirty work. Without notice, our regional manager walked in our store and all hell broke loose. They were walking the floor and I saw them coming towards me. I just kept on doing what I was doing, which was verifying a merchandise report. They got within earshot of me and they were talking in hushed voices. I saw my manager's face turn a bright shade of red. Then I heard, "stand over there in that corner." I turned and looked and the market manager had my manager in a corner, with his blackberry out, and was takin a picture of him standing amidst a bunch of trash and a junky merchandise display. "Smile!" I couldn't believe it. I have never seen somebody get called out like that...to be made to stand in a corner and have your picture taken amongst a bunch of crap. I walked over to another manager and asked if it was customary to have your picture taken and he was like "um, no." So the manager who had his picture taken came running over and asked me to go clean up where he just was. The manager that I had went and asked started laughin and asking questions about it. I went over to where I was told to clean and there were cups of Coke, like 3 of 'em, a couple sets of broom and dust pan, dust bunnies the size of real life bunnies, boxes, plastic from broken displays, a couple random pieces of flooring....just a bunch of shit. I threw it all away and got the area looking presentable. I did what I was told, but I was kind of salty about it...the people who actually work in that department should have been made to clean up their own shit. Oh well, I understood that he was mad and his nerves had gone to shit after he got lit into and humiliated like that, so he just nailed the first person he saw with the task.

My dad is still in the hospital and still off the hook. He grossed me completely out today...his testicles are swollen and he was scootin around the bed all crazy and I asked what he was doing, and he was like, "I gotta let my nuts hang off the side of the bed." I dry heaved. Thennnnn, he said the fuck word to me...I've never in all my 25 years of livin heard him say that. I was helping him with his oxygen and I didn't know that the tubes went around the ears and tightened under his chin...i thought they just went around his head and tightened at the top of his neck....he was like "what part of you thought that would be a good fuckin idea?" I think I hid my shock pretty well, but I couldn't believe it. My mom was maddd when I told her....she said that under no circumstances, grown or not, should he be using that type of language towards me. Even as a full grown adult, I'm still his daughter and "fuck" just isn't appropriate. I wasn't offended, just shocked...but she was appalled.

I'm waiting on a backlash. I'm not proud of this, but there is a young lady (hoe) that a couple of my homeboys and I have all used once or twice for her supreme oral skills. Apparently, her myspace status is always angry, talks about how much she can't stand niggas and how they're all the same, and so on and so forth. Well, one of my homeboys approached me today and was tellin me about the message he sent her on myspace. The message was to get over it, to think about herself for once, and to stop being an idiot. I asked him why he sent that...he said that he just had to. He claims that in a brutal sort of way, he was trying to help her out. Her m.o. is basically to fall sick in love with whoever is paying her a lil bit of attention...and by attention, I mean gettin head from her and havin her cook and shit (again, I'm not proud of some of the things I've done...Single Erika really is off the hook)...and then when she finally sees that the person doesn't feel the same, she gets ANGRY. Well, it's been almost a year since I went down that road with her and about every 2 or 3 months, I'll suddenly get an angry text message from her saying things like "I wish I never met you." and "I hate the day I met you." and "I regret ever dealin with you." Those types of things. I'll ask her what's wrong and it always turns out that she's done put all her feelings in somebody and they squash them....so she gets mad all over again at everybody that came before the current heartbreaker. So, each time she gets her feelings hurt, it's just another person added on to the long list of niggas that have used her and left her hangin...and I'm on that list. And she goes down the list each time she's feeling upset and sends a stupid text. Once, I just asked her if saying those things to me makes her feel any better. Does it make her current heartache disappear? Does it make her a bigger person? I could tell she felt real stupid, but I made her answer each and every question. So, now that he's done sent her that rude message on myspace, I know she's gonna get all into her feelings and it's gonna be on. I told him to stop thinking about himself because he doesn't realize that everybody she's ever dealt with is gonna pay for that message. I can already feel it. I'm giving her two days before she's sendin a bunch of stupid stuff. Blah.

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i participated in the "25 random things about me" madness...

2009-02-22T23:09:00.003-05:00

1. I strip as soon as I get in the door. Not all the way nekkid, but shoes, socks, pants, and shirt definitely come off. I'm most comfortable in boxers and a beater and that's how I like to be. I just don't like clothing. So, as soon as I get inside, I take my outfit off. It amazes my girlfriend...especially the first time we ever met. We will walk inside and within 45 seconds, I'm in my draws. I don't even like to stay out late because after awhile, I start feeling like I want to take my clothes off....when I'm out, that urge to yank my clothes off is my signal that it's time to go home. And this stripping as soon as the door is shut behind me does not just apply at night....each and every time I get inside, it's clothes off. Yes, I technically "get dressed" sometimes 5 or 6 times a day.

2. I have triple D breasts, but still get mistaken for a man at least once a week. This doesn't concern me in terms of gender. That's okay. Call me a man all day. Shanee calls me "boy" when I'm in trouble, lol and we've had quite a few discussions about gender because she says I'm a man with breasts and a period. I don't get bent out of shape when people in stores say "sir" or the white boy at my local Starbucks calls me "bro." The way I see it, it's just words and they aren't said in a disrespectful way. So who cares? The thing about being mistaken for a man is the fact that I obviously just look like a fat man. And it's not the man part that bothers me. It's the fat part. I've reached a point where I'm so overweight that my breasts just look like really large man tits. And I wear an appropriately sized bra that has been correctly measured and fitted and I steer clear of the cheap ones from wal-mart. So even with all the support in the world, they still resemble oversized man tits. How sad.

3. I dry heave almost every day. Sometimes more. My stomach is just weak. Certain smells and sights just make me want to vomit.

4. I'm extremely sentimental, sensitive, and emotional. I wear my heart and my feelings just on the inside of my sleeve...it's still easy to hurt 'em, but I try my best to keep it concealed.

5. I'm embarrassed that I don't know much about black history. And ashamed that I don't care enough to educate myself.

6. I'm right-handed. Except for masturbation. Can't nobody do me like my left hand.

7. I'm not certain that there's 25 things about me that are random enough to list....

8. I am just like my father. Look just like him and act just like him. Shanee has asked me before if she reminds me of my mother. On a lot of levels, yes, she does. I look back over my parents' life and am absolutely scared to death of doing a repeat. Some things are within my control...and some things just aren't. I will do whatever I can to not be my father. I don't think I've actually voiced this concern to Shanee before, but I'm sure she'll understand when she reads it.

9. I'm unforgiving. Cross me once and we're typically not ever the same again. I'm not sure why I'm such a harsh critic of others, but I just am. I think it's one of the most unattractive things about myself. I'm probably missing out by writing people off, but I feel I'm also missing out on other relationships that I could have been fostering if I wasn't hanging on to people who have already proved to be capable of hurting me.

10. Farting doesn't bother me. I'm quite gassy myself. But burps turn me 100% off. There is nothing more unattractive than a pretty young lady who belches.

11. Honesty, integrity, and doing what's right are important to me. I may not always initially do the right thing, but it eats me alive until I confess, apologize, seek forgiveness, and then totally rectify the situation and vow to never repeat it. I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong. I'm not too prideful to apologize. And it drives me crazy when others don't seem to have any sense of right and wrong.

12. I tried desperately to be straight for a lot of years. Desperately. I was 23 years old before I quit faking the funk. And it turns out that I didn't really have anybody fooled anyway. I didn't really have to make a huge announcement...almost everybody, my parents included, already knew and was just waiting on confirmation. I guess my fat man appearance spoke for itself...but I always just tried to play it like I was a tomboy that never grew up. I wasn't fooling anyone.

13. I hate clothes, I hate shopping, and I have zero fashion sense. The only reason I have two closets full of nice things is because my girlfriend wouldn't have it any other way.

14. I currently have 50 wife beaters. And that's after I threw 6 away when I moved.

15. I am thrilled about summer for one reason: the return of Batwoman. This time, she's going to be the superhero of Gotham City in place of Batman...and she's a lesbian!

16. I like paying bills. Aside from my student debt, it drives me nuts to feel like I owe anything to anybody. My mom taught me when I was 20 and had my first apartment to sit down and write out all my bills at once...but I couldn't do that. As soon as a bill becomes available for me to view online, I pay it. It works better for me like that. I enjoy the sense of accomplishment and resting in the fact that I don't owe anything.

17. I've been on the brink of depression for about two weeks now. Walking a fine line. At any given moment, I can feel myself teetering and swaying...it could go either way.

18. I discovered a Half-Price Bookstore around the corner from my new place. I was thrilled. I thought Amazon was the only place I could get a book for 4 dollars.

19. I love coffee, but today, I made the horrible mistake of drinking an entire pot between the hours of 9a and 1p. I ended up jittery, anxious, heart-racing, nervous, and just generally felt awful.

20. I love my girlfriend with a love that I didn't know I had inside of me.

21. No one believes me when I tell them that I had sex in a lecture hall at my college once.

22. I love Perez Hilton.

23. I've somehow managed to always have a bedroom with character. Pink as a child and didn't have any say in it, blue when I got old enough to ask for a makeover of my bedroom, slate gray with white sponge paint, sunshine yellow, eggplant purple...it wasn't until 3 years ago that I began having white walls.

24. I love God and believe in Jesus, but I go back and forth about church and organized religion...sometimes I'm with it and sometimes I'm not. Currently, I'm not.

25. There are two Erikas. Relationship Erika and Single Erika. They're complete opposites, but I love and enjoy them both.