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at this point in time...

I sat for my life insurance licensing exam last week. To pass, I needed at 66. My ass scored 64. Right before I clicked "Finish," I went back and changed two answers. My luck. I'm going to reschedule for next week.

The weight is coming off.

I've narrowed down my schools. I'll begin the application process this weekend.

I haven't done any applications, but I do know where I'll be applying to work.

I haven't thrown away any clothes that don't fit, just keep pushing them out of my way in the closet.

I have began reading Lauren Conrad's book, "L.A. Candy." I won't take the book out of my apartment because I'm embarrassed to be seen with it, but I'm a huge L.C. fan and couldn't stand to not check it out. It isn't that good. But I know myself and I will surely read the other ones when they come out as well. Just because.

I'm training to run a 5k with my friend Elizabeth in April. I'm excited about it. I've never participated in an official race before. When she first asked me to do it with her, I was a little hesitant because I didn't realize that 5k was just 3.1 miles. After I googled it, I agreed. It's going to be fun. Something for her and I to work towards together, neither of us has ran a race before, so we'll be doing a "first" together. She's a good friend, so I'm excited about the time that we'll spend training together because we don't see one another often. As of right now, I can run 2.5 miles before I just can't go any further. It takes me almost 30 minutes. I'm hoping to be at 3 miles before February. Then I'll work on completing it faster.

My mom's birthday is next week. My brother and I have already went through our birthdays without Dad and now it's her turn. I called her today to see what she wanted to do. We decided on dinner at her favorite Italian restaurant. She told me who to invite. She kept asking me how I felt about so-and-so and if we should invite what's-her-name. I kept telling her, "it's your day, it's about you, whoever you want to invite is who we'll have." Then she popped the big one. She wanted to know if I meant everybody but her Man Friend. I took in a deep breath. And said no. I told her to invite him. I agreed to meet him. I'm still not thrilled about the fact that she's dating so soon, but she's not going to stop doing it for my benefit. So I guess I'm ready to just suck it up and let her live. She lets me live. I just hope I don't do something stupid like cry at the table.

An old friend of mine has recently contacted me. I've missed him horribly and I'm extremely happy to be back talking to him. Part of me wants to jump in the car and go see him this weekend, but I probably won't. We used to have a blast together and from phone conversations, I gather that he's just a more mature version of the same guy I remember. I'll be excited to make plans to see him soon.

one day

I NEED to go to the gym. Desperately.

And I need to be studying for my life insurance exam.

And I need to clean my apartment.

And I need to plan my finances for the month.

And there's 13 loads of clean laundry that need to be folded and put away.

And I feel like doing NONE of it. Not one bit.

I've been awake for about 3 hours now. And I have to be at work in 3 hours.

But here I sit, just watching the hours tick off.

Doing nothing.

I'm just NOT feeling it. I'm not in a bad mood at all, but I'm not really feeling like making any moves.

I haven't done anything to really deserve a nothing day...sometimes when a person's been grinding hard for days and days on end, they deserve a day of ass-sitting and relaxation. I haven't been doing that and I don't think I ever really have. I can't justify just sitting around for the next 3 hours because I want to. People don't reach goals and get ahead that way.

But what is one day...?!

january goals

1. Get my life insurance license.

2. Apply for at least 3 jobs.

3. Narrow down my list of graduate schools and apply to my top choices.

4. Drop another 10 pounds and officially make myself 60 pounds lighter.

5. Take a good, honest look at my wardrobe and donate the items that I will never wear again.

I feel like it's a reasonable list of things to accomplish this month. Perhaps I'll do more. But that's a start.

rockstar lifestyle might not make it

I had a wonderful New Year's. I was in great company, had a great time, got wasted like a white boy, and loved every minute of my NYE celebration, minus the part where I blew chunks all over the parking lot of my apartment building. I was embarrassed, I'm too old to not handle my liquor better than that. We did the math and I'd had 9 drinks in 3 hours. I guess I had a right to be sick. It was all fine and good until the car ride home though, that's what did me in. I naturally get car sick often, so liquor just set the whole thing off.

My friends Stalker and College Buddy spent some time together. I randomly got a text from Stalker, "I fucked your friend." I was cracking up. Until the next day, I got a BBM from College Buddy saying that she wasn't attracted to Stalker, she wasn't her type, and that I should do better the next time I try and hook her up. Ok. Clearly I just won't try and hook her up ever again. Honestly, I wasn't thinking about her or her lonely self...it was a favor to Stalker, she was the one asking to be set up with someone. It rubbed me the wrong way for her to act like that. I'm sure I didn't save her life or do her any huge favor or anything, but her attitude was tinged with ungratefulness and I didn't appreciate it. Like I said, I'm not anybody's savior or anything and I didn't expect to be rewarded or applauded for passing her number along, but I definitely didn't expect to receive a message talking about "next!" I asked her what the problem was, why she decided that. I could understand if Stalker had said something disrespectful or done something out of bounds...but all College Buddy could come up with was, "she isn't my type and I'm not feelin her." Alright. She has the right to feel that way, but why did she get in bed with her?! Of course I didn't ask that and I'm sure she doesn't know that Stalker told me about it immediately after it happened. But again, it rubbed me the wrong way. From Stalker's point of view, the sex was off the chain and they hit it off. So why on Earth would you get up out of the bed with someone and then a mere 24 hours later decide that they weren't attractive? Obviously she was attractive enough. She was feelin her enough to hop in the sack with her. I guess I feel like she should have just kept it to herself, don't message me specifically to complain about the favor I did for you. Then today, I wake up and there's a message saying that she was wrong and she needs to give things a chance. I feel like there's obviously something not being said...if all it was the other day was that she isn't attracted to her, did she suddenly become attractive? Probably not...Whatever though, they'll each be fine. For some reason, it just really annoyed me.

you're a jerk (i know)

I'm trying to hook two friends up.

Well, one is Stalker from several posts ago. The girl who has a deep-seated crush on me from afar and I had no idea that she would come to my job purely to look at me, walk past me and NEVER speak. We became friends and then she confessed to it all. It was weird, but she's turned out to be extremely cool. Anyhow, I guess she finally accepts that I'll never be with her. She hit me up yesterday asking if I had any friends.

I ran through my contacts. I decided on a friend that I've been cool with since the start of college. We had sex one time, randomly. But after that, we went back to being friends like it had never happened.

So, they got to textin' yesterday. First thing out of Stalker's mouth (fingertips) was that she wanted me, but I won't give her any play. College Buddy said "oh, that's Erika, always pulling." I was hoping and praying, praying and hoping that Stalker wouldn't divulge that. And God must have been on my side because College Buddy didn't go ahead and tell Stalker that she once had me.

I don't want either of them to feel like my rejects or my sloppy seconds or my handoffs.

I never think things through all the way before I act. And then I always end up slightly nervous about what the outcome will be.

I just thought they were each cool girls who might enjoy one another. Why did it never once occur to me that they would probably discuss how they knew me?! Even if College Buddy didn't immediately tell her about our one-night get-down, chances are it will come as they get to know one another.

I don't want anybody's feelings to be hurt or anyone to feel slighted...

And the thing is, Stalker said that College Buddy seemed a little jealous when she told her that tidbit of info...if she only knew that CB is really the one to be jealous of.

I'm beginning to feel like a jerk...

a resolution

"You're so quick to criticize. I don't even want to talk to you because you're going to critique whatever I say and immediately discredit my feelings. You have this attitude like 'how dare anybody have a different opinion than yours.'"

I've got to fix this asap. What an ugly way to be. Lord knows I can't stand people who act like that...but it's never been brought to my attention that I, too, treat people in that manner. I couldn't even argue when this was said to me. Completely true.

The year 2010 will see the end of acting like that.

damn, i just want my friend back

Yesterday was amongst the toughest days I've had in a long time. For two reasons.

I arrived at work just in time for a meeting to start. It's a very informal meeting held each morning at the same time. Sam Walton believed that associates working for a company had a right to know exactly how the company was doing financially on a day to day basis. So this meeting takes place every morning, it lasts anywhere from 10 to 40 minutes, and it's basically a bunch of bullshit. I mean, of course, not the parts where we discuss sales and wages and profits. But the parts of the meetings where our general manager likes to try and call people out about any mistake or shortcoming for the sole purpose of being a capital B, those are pure bullshit. Yesterday was my turn. It was extra bullshit-like because of the way it happened. I walked into the building, went to the timeclock, then sat down because the meeting was starting at that moment. The GM was walking directly behind me the whole time. She saw my every step. She went around the room asking all the supervisors for their sales report from the weekend. She got to me. I told her I didn't have mine, I had just arrived and hadn't looked at the report yet. She rolled her eyes and said "hmmmmm." Everybody knows that I cannot stand this woman, so a few people chuckled and snickered because they knew I was boiling on the inside. I shrugged my shoulders with a smirk on my face and everybody started cracking up. She got all red in the face and had a look on her face as if she wished she'd never even called on me. Then she ignored me for the rest of the day. Acted like I didn't exist. Fine by me. I talked to one of my friends about it, a girl who used to work there but has since advanced and moved to another club. She said that the manager probably just doesn't care for my attitude most of the time...I'm laid back, nothing phases me, I'm not scared of her, and I don't play her games. Plus, I get smart with her on Facebook. There's been a handful of incidents in which she's said something sarcastic or something I didn't like on my wall or in response to a status update, and I've been really quick to say something slick back to her. I'm contemplating just removing her, but then I fear that my consequences will be worse. I should have never ever confirmed her friendship request.

Anyhow, that was how the day started. When I got to my department, I had 20 rolls of film sitting on the counter. My associates the day before hadn't done any of it. Hadn't even started it. Didn't even look like they attempted to start it. I was livid. Then, all day long, people just had serious attitudes. I kept a smile and just rolled with it. I got to work with my favorite associate (yeah, I play favorites like that) and he and I clowned around and had a semi-good time. However, despite the good time, we were still insanely busy. The lab was a complete and utter wreck, water filters had to be changed, just all sorts of shit hit the fan at once. I looked up and discovered that it was 5p, but there was no way that I could have just rolled out and left things in the state they were in. Plus, there are just some things that I know I should do myself...some things just can't be delegated. So I ended up staying until about 7:30. I may have stayed even later, but a particularly unhappy customer changed all that. This woman took it upon herself to let me know that I need to retrain my associates because they should have helped her crop her photos better. She began pointing to other customers placing their orders, asking me if they have a full understanding about how our software works and if not, I need to be out there educating them. When I offered to re-do her order for her, she told me that she didn't have time, she needed the prints right away, and that I must not understand that it's Christmas. I just looked at her, blank faced. She went on and on and on. I can't even remember all of what she said. It was how she spoke. It has been a really long time since I've been spoken to like that. I wanted to cry. In fact, I did when I got outside to my car. I believe full well that she would have spoken to a dog nicer. Even her daughter was looking at me sympathetically. I was glad that no one else was within earshot because I was embarrassed, I could feel my cheeks burning.

Anyhow, there were other aspects to my day that made it not so good as well. It was first day detoxing...blood sugar remained pretty low, stomach growled most of the day, and there were a lot of temptations. The demo ladies had bacon and ham and it was super difficult to walk past and not grab a piece. There was chocolate cake in the breakroom. I had to exercise a lot of self-control.

Things between the Lady and I are no more. Ended about 2 weeks ago. Everything started out great, but took a severe turn south, seemingly overnight. We began to argue. Disagree. Hurt each other's feelings. And this was only after pursuing romance for 2 months. Two months in, people should still be deep in the honeymoon phase, everything should still be all laughs and giggles, just good feelings. Shouldn't be any stress involved yet. Plus, I was convinced (and still am) that after awhile, my laid back, relaxed approach to life would have been a complete turn off to her. I'm extremely silly compared to her and anybody else she's ever dated. I laugh, joke, and play all day, which is all fine and good. But I felt bad some days when I knew she was working her ass off and really giving her job her all and she would ask me what I did all day and I would have nothing better to say than "talk shit and clown." I voiced those concerns to her on a few occasions and she reassured me that it was all fine and that there was so much more about me that she liked and whatnot. But just as I suspected, my way of doing things when I get ready, when the time feels right, didn't sit too well with her. There were a few things going on that needed my attention, but my sense of urgency about most things is low. This situation wasn't any different, I was content to just do things when I felt it was time and it caused tension that never quite went away. We agreed to lighten up and kind of take a step back, not be so serious. We were in two completely different books in terms of what that meant, no where near being on the same page. This resulted in her being extremely upset, losing sleep and whatnot. It was apparent to me at that point that we were definitely not on the same page, not even on the same bookshelf. Two days of not speaking at all, a few texts here and there, led her to ask me if we were still going to pursue anything romantic. I didn't think we should and I said that. She said that we couldn't be friends. And for the life of me, I can't remember if she said that we couldn't be friends right now or we couldn't be friends period. I can live with the fact that I lost out on a wonderful girl that very well could have given me the relationship of a lifetime, but what I'm struggling with is the loss of the friendship. We started out so kool, I developed a crush, so when she came to me and let me know that she liked me, I jumped at the chance because I had never really let my mind go there before, I thought she was way far outta my reach. But before all that, we were friends. She's an excellent listener, she understood me, she didn't judge me, she gave me perfect advice, she supported me. She listened to all my problems. I told her things about me that no one else on this earth knows. And now she's just gone. She's an excellent girl and I loved every minute of the last two months before things went sour, but it wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth our friendship. If I had any idea that things would have ended up with her not even wanting to be my friend, I never would have pursued anything with her...just told her no when she expressed her feelings to me. I feel like friendship is the best relationship you can have with a person and now I'm really missing out. Whoever she ends up dating next is in for a real treat because she's great, but I want her as my friend. She made it very clear that she didn't want any parts of me after I told her that the romantic part of our dealings was done....I was defriended on Facebook, unfollowed on Twitter, she's invisible to me on instant messenger. I'm probably going to wait until after the new year and perhaps try and contact her, maybe an email, and tell her personally that I miss her friendship and ask how long it'll take to get it back.

grind-ING

I had to take a course yesterday and today to prepare for my life insurance license exam. It was completely mind-numbing. My brain is worthless right now. It was 8 hours each day. One-hour lunch break halfway through with a 5-10 minute break each hour. It's been almost 3 years since I graduated college and I haven't been in a classroom setting since. It was torture. To sit quietly and still for that long was really hard. My listening skills are off, my note-taking was funny, to keep my mind on task was super difficult. All in all, it was not a good weekend. But I'm one step closer, I can mark something off my list.

I hope to actually sit for my exam sometime soon. I have to study hard. We'll see how it goes. I'm considering getting back into college mode for the next week or so...waking up at 6 to look over notes and get some quick studying in. Not taking a moment in between activities...study, go to work, study, work out, study again, sleep. I've fallen into a really nice leisurely routine of just relaxing...if I feel like staring off into space with my eyes glazed over, I do it. When I get ready to work out, I get dressed and go. I sleep when I want to, wake up when I want to. That definitely was not my reality when I was in college. I'm about to get back into that "always on the move, always grinding" mindset. It's productive.

Tomorrow morning begins a detox. I need to cleanse my system and kind of kick-start my metabolism. I've been the same weight for 2 weeks, I've hit a plateau. So, for the next two weeks, minus Christmas, I'll be eating natural oatmeal, plain chicken, turkey, fish, fresh vegetables, fresh fruit, protein shakes, and drinking only distilled water. It should knock some weight off quickly. That's my hope.

ten things...

Haven't felt much like blogging lately.

1. My mom still doesn't respect my feelings. We'll probably really fight soon.

2. My nephew is still precious. He eats like a piglet.

3. I bought 4 Christmas presents. 3 will be given. 1 got thrown in a drawer until I decide to either regift it or trash it.

4. My Colts are still the shit. 14-0 tastes pretty damn good.

5. Anonymous comments are dumb. Extra dumb when they aren't even true.

6. I've got 12 days left to sit on my ass and simply exist. 2010 is my year for a life change.

7. I'm halfway to my goal weight. It feels awesome.

8. More people than what I ever realized want to see me succeed in life and it's extra motivating.

9. 2009 has been an ugly year for me in a lot of ways, but the joy and peace I have now is wondrous.

10. I know what I'm getting for Christmas, but I have to wait until Christmas Eve for it and it's driving me crazy.