I'm the luckiest...

Ha, I reached 100 posts and wasn't even aware...besides being a nice outlet to record my thoughts and perception of events, these 102 posts have also served another purpose...

I had no idea whatsoever, but someone was becoming intrigued by me based on what I was writing here. She says that my sincerity and willingness to lay my emotions out was attractive to her, unbeknownst to me. We interacted via blog for months and then began communicating in other ways. Twitter and AIM can do great things for the communication between two people. We became fast friends. Good friends. We would genuinely look out for one another, encourage one another, listen to one another vent about big things and bullshit alike, give one another advice, console one another, just really provide moral support to one another. Soon enough, when I had a problem or something happened, she was the first person I wanted to discuss it with... 

I found myself with a crush on this girl. I knew she was different than most women her age (she's a bit younger in terms of chronological age) and even most women my age. I knew she was a kool girl with a good head on her shoulders. Extremely attractive. Very genuine in everything she said. Very sensible. Very in tune with my feelings. The more we communicated, the more I knew she was somethin' special...and even had everything I thought about her confirmed one weekend. We met and hung out...saw a movie, ate some awesome red velvet cupcakes, and spent a night bar-hopping. She was just as special in person. But I was still very much in a relationship and trying my damndest to be committed to that relationship...plus, I didn't think I had a chance with her anyhow. Thought to myself, "no way she'd be into me."

I was so wrong...

Lo and behold, my ass has a chance!

And on November 5, I'm flying to New York City to take my chance!

She's just special. Everything about her. We have the same values, the same priorities, we want the same things out of life and out of a relationship. She's gorgeous. She's sweet. I've met a million women, but this is the first time I can honestly say that I've had the pleasure of getting to know a lady. She's a true lady. She's classy, graceful, stylish, elegant, has standards for herself and how she carries herself, she knows how to act, she thinks before she speaks, and everything she says and does is with the highest degree of taste. After everything I've gone through, how I've been treated, and the coarse women I encounter around here, she is most definitely a breath of fresh air. I can't wait to see what we can turn into.

I'm not completely crazy though, I haven't lost touch with reality. I know that things are still very much in the beginning phases. It could go either way, anything could happen. And yes, I just got out of a relationship. I'm fine. I'm doing quite well with putting it behind me and moving forward. I just feel like I finally have a chance to truly have everything I've ever dreamed about having in a woman. We have a lot to offer one another, I can see us being a real nice couple. Things just feel so different with her, they just feel right. In the past, I've been scared as hell to see my feelings grow this fast. But I am perfectly at ease with this situation. And even though I don't truly believe that anybody qualifies as an expert when it comes to relationships, I have a few friends that have been in long-term, healthy, happy partnerships for years and I'll take their word that feeling completely comfortable is a surefire sign that it's right. God said Fear Not, but I believe He gave us good sense to feel a need to hesitate or be scared about things that aren't right for us. 

It's time for me to take it down for the night...

the way things work out

You ever felt somethin on the inside and knew exactly what it was, just wasn't in the position to do anything about it?

Ever wanted somethin really bad, but it just wouldn't even be right to go after it?

Ever desired something, but for various reasons, just knew it wasn't for you and you couldn't have it? And maybe that has more to do with why you didn't pursue it?

Life has a funny way of working things out. 

I'm in the position now. 

It's right to go after it, there's nothing holding me back.

And I know, without doubt, that it's for me. I can have it. 

destiny and babies and shanee and bilal

Some news...

My cousin, Destiny, has been missing for 3 weeks now. She's 14. She is bad as hell. There's no other way to put it...she's a terror. She was adopted when she was a newborn and she was born crack-addicted. I don't know whether her genes and her environment in the womb is to blame or the fact that she's also the product of very lax parenting. The girl has 5 ipods and gets whatever she wants and there's never any consequences to any of her actions. But anyhow, she has been nothing but trouble for a few years now. And last month, her probation officer recommended that she spend a month at the Indiana Girls' School to be evaluated. She asked if it could be on an outpatient basis. They said no, she would need to sleep there. So, she ran away. She's still in our hometown, and she emails her mother every so often to say that she's safe and not to worry. But she absolutely refuses to come home and she will not give a single clue as to her whereabouts. My mom said it's really sad...posters all over the place. My mom took her mom to the movies last week, just for something to do, to get her out of the house for a little while. Her parents are beside themselves over it. Her brothers are very sad about it as well. My mom said that people around town spot her, but by the time they alert the police, she's long gone. Somebody needs to just stop her and do some citizen's arrest type shit or something. The general belief is that she's got some much older boyfriend or something that she's staying with. I know it can't be another 14 year old that she's staying with...that person's parents would deserve to be tarred and feathered for stowing a runaway. 

My mom told me last night on the phone that she's been having dreams about me having a baby. I told her that I wasn't getting pregnant. And I'm so serious about it. She kept asking me if I had any desire or any urge to have a baby at all and I had to tell her that the honest truth is no. I feel like my life will be perfectly complete without having a person in my uterus. I don't need to do that to validate my purpose and existence as a woman. She was like "well, even if you don't actually get pregnant and have a baby, do you want to raise kids?" I agreed that yes, I wouldn't mind raising some children. If my future partner wants to get pregnant, then great, I'll be more than happy to raise a family that way. What would be really nice is if we used my eggs...that way she would literally have my baby. I do think it would be nice to actually look into the face of a child and see myself. I just don't want to actually be pregnant. My mom then began mentioning my age and how I'd better get to work. She said that in her dream, she knew who donated the sperm. It was a boy whose hair she used to cut...he's now a semi-pro football player. She said that I should keep him in mind when I decide I'd like to acquire some sperm. Precious baby Damien has gotten inside her head and now she wants several grandbabies. It's kind of crazy to me that she wants another grandbaby that bad to suggest I have a baby right now. Who just requests that their single daughter have a baby?! I don't condone single parenthood. Studies show that children are better off with a 2-parent home. But aside from how the child is going to turn out, I don't condone it simply for the fact that it stresses the single parent completely out. So why on earth would she suggest that I willingly enter into that situation? I told her she should adopt a baby since she just wants one in her arms at all times. 

Shanee is not taking this breakup very well. Not by any means. It's obvious that she is hurting. She keeps texting me to ask why and if it's forever and so on. I politely answer her questions and give her all the reasoning. Twice, she's wished me well and tried to accept it. I hope that today she really meant it. I hate that she's hurting, but I honestly don't know what to tell her. She keeps trying to tell me that I don't understand the fact that she'll never move on. I told her that she must not understand how bad she was hurting me. I guess it's typical in a breakup for the person who wasn't acting right to suddenly be able to dig deep and put forth all sorts of effort after the fact when it's too late. It's just crazy to me. I swear she didn't care this much two weeks ago. All the time and energy she's put in to trying to convince me to give her another shot would have been well spent months ago. It's just not worth much at this point in the game. I've told her this in every polite and borderline impolite way I can think of. I've tried to convince her that it will get easier as time goes by. She will press on and all will be well. She doesn't believe me. 

I dreamed all night last night and woke up feeling like I hadn't been asleep. As if I was just laying there thinking. Like I'd been busy all night or something. Just woke up tired. So when I got off work, I came home and went into a lightweight coma. Slept hard, flat on my back. That never happens. So I'm super awake right now. Listening to Bilal. Nothin makes me happier than music from when I was younger. It's associated purely with good memories. 

homie don't play dat

"...my heart just has to be sure that the love that I give to you, that's the love I get from you. I need to be safe and secure. Hey hey, just let me know you're thinkin about me." - Mary J. Blige on that T.I. track, "Remember Me"

My heart wasn't sure. I'm most certain that the love that I was giving was not the love that I was getting. I needed to be safe and I needed to be secure. I was not. Not many motions were made to let me know I was being thought of. 

I wasn't treated as if I was special. I believe I was taken for granted. I believe I deserved more than what I was being offered. I wasn't given the attention and treatment that I desired. No amount of conversation could fix it. It doesn't matter how much I love someone...if they just can't or won't treat me the way I need to be treated, then it's time to move on. I put her first in everything I do and I deserve the same. My feelings run deep and there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her...but enough is enough. 

The relationship has been rocky, she let me down at the worst possible time, and I know that I am better than how she wanted to do me. Every 3-4 days, it was something. On their own, they wouldn't be huge problems. But when I stack it all up and really take a look at it, it isn't worth it. She can be downright rude sometimes, just plain disrespectful, not mindful of her actions or behaviors and how they affect me. The last straw was last week. She was irritated at me for something, and instead of addressing it with me like an adult to find out why I did what I did, she elected to ignore me for a whole day. In the words of my favorite clown: HOMIE DON'T PLAY DAT! To set the whole thing off, I was actually still going to think about it for a few days before I made a decision, despite being completely turned off and unhappy. I expressed my negative feelings to her. Late that night, she wanted to know if we were still together. Upon me telling her that I didn't know...she said "It's yes or no." A test? Okay. NO! 

It's sad to see something that I put so much time and energy and emotion into end. 

But I feel frreeee! 

I'm alright. I'm just glad that I finally mustered up the strength to declare myself better than that. I've been in an altered state of mind since my father passed, deservedly and understandably so. A touch of depression, some anxiety. I've had chronic chest pains for the last 2-3 months. Worrying about that relationship was not helping anything, by any means. I am glad that I am beginning to get over the blues and the anxiety and glad to have that stress, literally, off my chest. 

We'll be friends, for sure. She can't be close with me right now, but in time, I'm certain that we'll be kool with one another. And as for loneliness and being sad about the breakup, I'm not worried. Love will make itself known again in my life, no doubt. 

my blog lives...

My friend Ashley has been my friend since we were in the same 4th grade class together. She texted me this morning, in distress, wanting to know what had happened to my blog. So, I figured I would take some time this afternoon to breathe a little life into it. 

I spent my 26th birthday out in DC with Shanee. I had so much fun. I'm not sure how exciting it was for her, she was born and raised there...but I think she enjoyed showing me so many things. She took me to the Redskins-Steelers preseason game, which was great. We went on a night tour of DC. We went to King's Dominion in VA. It had been a really long time since I rode any roller coasters, but it was a lot of fun. We ate and ate and ate, I had ice cream every single day. It was my first birthday since my dad died, so it was bound to be difficult, and it was. Just couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't receive all the birthday calls I was supposed to have gotten. It was nice being with Shanee though. As much as it drives me crazy how nonchalant she is and how she's so non-emotional, it definitely serves its purpose. Being around someone who does not dwell on the negative things and who refuses to spend time thinking about the past and is always focused on forward progression is a nice thing at times. Plus, she's funny. She cracks me up completely, so it's hard to feel too bad when she made it her business to make sure I was smiling the whole week. We definitely got good and into it a few times, but nothin irreparable.

The past couple weeks have been extremely rocky for the two of us. I went and saw the new Tyler Perry movie, and it basically ripped open all the emotional wounds that I thought were healing. The death of a parent cut me deep, for obvious reasons. Then the portrayal of how she was treated by her "boyfriend" just made it worse because my girl didn't support me much at all during my father's passing. It hurt all over again. Just watching it was enough to make me feel so bad, all over again. It's like it unleashed all the anger and resentment and ill feelings I had for her all over again. I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm not really over how she treated me. I kind of wonder if I ever will be. I'll probably never forget some of the things she said, how she acted towards me. It was all so selfish. Just downright cold and insensitive at times. She has apologized for it twelve million times and I've said plenty of hateful and evil things to her that didn't make me feel better, not a single ounce. I've told her that I accept her apology, but it's like I'm not sure how to truly forgive her and put it behind us. And now, every single thing that takes place is stained by how she treated me during March/April. Almost 7 months later and I still don't know how to just move on from it. In my mind, I'm truly convinced that no matter how many times she apologizes, says she wasn't thinking clearly, will never do it again, so on and so forth....she's already shown me that she doesn't care about me, she doesn't love me, she isn't supportive, I can't rely on her, and that I shouldn't be with her. With all that being worked around in my head, every little thing that happens turns into a huge ordeal because I'm ready to break up at every turn. I just feel very torn and confused. We've talked about it and talked about it and it doesn't get much better. I'm not sure what else to really do about it. I love her enough to keep working at it, but she's got one more time to hurt me until we're done forever. 

My workout plan is going well. I'm still meeting my goals, the best that I can with my cheat days thrown in. I'm definitely going to have to stop doing those...they surely impede progress. I can tell a difference when I've been eating bad. It doesn't take much of a cheat to make a difference either. I don't plan to completely deprive myself, but way more restriction and control will be practiced. A girl I met recently told me something that made good sense...the weight will come off, but even once I've reached my goal, the pizzas and ice cream and other crap will still be there and chances are, I'm not going to want it then. So true! 

I got cable a few weeks ago. I haven't had cable in my house in 8 years. And I am completely addicted to tv now. It's quite unfortunate. I am so seduced by all sorts of tv...news, reality shows, dramas, comedies...all of it. I never thought I would be so into things like Supernanny and Wife Swap. I completely love not having to go to a bar or restaurant to watch football as well, I can just watch from the comfort of my own couch. It's great! Shanee asked me a couple weeks ago though, "what happened to the book-loving Erika I used to know?" And it really struck me that I don't read at all anymore. Ever since I got cable, I don't blog, I don't read books, I don't read blogs....I just stare at the TV with my eyes glazed over. It's kind of sad. 

I'm getting my future worked out. I'll post the plans in detail when I have some confirmations!

Another weekend is here and I'm not sure what to do with it. Sleep? Watch tv?! Go see a movie? Take a book to Starbucks? Hit the club? 

finally, the fair

Yesterday was a glorious day. I slept until after noon, played on the computer almost the whole day, video chatted with the girlfriend, just had a nice afternoon. (If it hasn't been obvious to anyone, I've been in a funk for about two weeks, perhaps longer. Just funky.) I'm happy to say that my chin is back up, my spirits are high, and I'm ready to be more than just "blah" all the time. I actually enjoy time to myself, I don't drive myself crazy if I'm alone or without activity for more than a few hours. I'm an extrovert by nature, so when I'm feeling unhappy, it's double hard to just sit alone. Now I'm back to being able to handle it and be comfortable with it. 

That evening, I went out to eat with a friend, Lizzy. Another of our friends was supposed to come with us, but she ended up having other obligations. We ate at Olive Garden, went to Trader Joe's in search of this particular wine, went to Cold Stone, then Dave and Buster's. We were driving along and Lizzy was looking at the stores and buildings we were passing and I guess her eyes didn't focus properly because she was like "What's Dave and Jamiyah's?" So that's what we called Dave and Buster's for the rest of the night. It was hilarious.

When we were done winning all our tickets, we parted ways. As we were leaving, another friend invited me to TGI Friday's. I went for lack of anything better to do. It was her and her friend Nisha. Nisha is really nice, every man that sees her tries to get on, she's cute. We've met on a trillion occasions. The friend that we have in common seems to always invite the two of us to do things, so we've hung out a million times. But I get the feeling that this girl does not want to be my friend outside of the mutual friendship that we have. I don't know if it's just because I don't strike her as cool enough or funny enough or I just don't seem like the type of person that she gets close to. Or if she doesn't feel comfortable befriending a lesbian. I don't know what it is. But she definitely holds me at arm's length. We were all planning a road trip once and I told them that I would look up hotel information and text it. I looked at her and said, "I don't have your number.." and she replied, "no, you don't." And looked at me. She wasn't going to give it either, obviously. In my head, I was like, "oh.." It was a bit odd for the next 10 minutes or so. It isn't like I only met her last month...I've known her for three years. We hold conversation. Our friend was on the phone last night for awhile and she and I carried on a decent conversation. When we had went to the casino a few weeks ago, our friend sat at the roulette table for about 2-3 hours and her and I walked around together and played the slot machines and had a good time. Or so I thought. She obviously doesn't want me contacting her though and I guess I have to respect that, but it's kind of weird. 

I finally got to go to the fair today. One of my friends from freshmen year of college came in town and wanted to go, so I jumped at the opportunity. I've wanted to go since it started, but no one has been willing to go with me. Excuses range from they've already been, it's too hot, they don't like the fair, they aren't comfortable there without having a child with them...just anything. I remarked to Shanee that it's kind of sad that I had to wait for someone from out of town to go with me. None of my friends here would go. I respect and understand that sometimes people just don't want to do things, so they won't. But if these same people contact me and ask me to go somewhere or do something, I typically do it. Simply because they asked. It wasn't going to hurt anyone to go twice, or to sweat a little, or to smile and make the best of it, or just get over the fact that they're an adult who came to the fair and not just purely for the amusement of a child. I'm not asking for anything expensive. I'm not suggesting that we go somewhere far away or extremely time-consuming. The fair is a pretty decent racial mix and all different kinds of people go, so it's not expecting anyone to step into some environment where they'd be the only one or something [not that there's anything wrong with that, I do it all the time]. I'm not suggesting a rare cuisine...there's food at the fair for everyone. There's all different types of music. I don't care much for the livestock, so we wouldn't have to go near the stinky barns. Basically, what it comes down to, is that I feel like it's shitty that the one time I want to do something that isn't the same old shit we always do, no one is down for it. It was so simple, just the state fair. I'm cool with a few people who pretty much do everything on their own because they can't rely on anyone else. I am about to seriously try my damndest to adopt that attitude. If no one is down to go somewhere that I want to go, I'll just go alone. That's hard for me because I typically feel that 75% of an experience is the company you're with. That's what sets things off, that's what makes things for me. But I will definitely find some sort of middle ground that I'm comfortable with because I won't miss anything else due to lack of someone to go with. Shanee always tells me that if she were here, she'd go with me. I know that it's true because when we're together, I'm always wanting to do something that she has zero interest in, but she smiles and does it anyway because I want to. That's what girlfriends do. So maybe I won't have to be in that situation much longer anyhow...

Well, it's only 10 and I am seriously considering going to bed already...

my brother doesn't like me

I got a massage this evening. It was glorious. I'm so excited to get more. One bad thing did happen though; the masseuse sneezed on my legs. Not blatantly....but I felt a slight spray. 

One of my friends is in town with his wife. I love 'em both, they're great people...but I am a little irritated. More like hurt. They came in town on the 5th. I didn't find out until the 11th. And not from them, I heard it through a mutual friend who also didn't know, she ran into them at a party. I texted him. He didn't seem too concerned about the fact that he hadn't contacted me. I decided to give the benefit of the doubt and try to hang out with him that night. He asked if I wanted to go for coffee at 11. I had to remind him of where he was...Starbucks in Indianapolis closes at 10...and 11 was too late anyhow. So he asked if they could just come over. I agreed, told them to come at 9ish. At 10:30, the phone rang and he was asking if I still wanted company. Um, no. Then today...at 7:15 he told me he'd call me in an hour. He called at 10:30 again. Again, no. This time I reminded him that I'm not in college anymore and I don't just serve tables part time. I cannot just stay up all night like I used to. I work full time and work out 10 hours a week...I have to sleep at night. We have lunch plans tomorrow and I hope he doesn't fuck them up. I'm annoyed that twice he has completely disregarded what I've said to him. If he shits on our plans tomorrow, I'm not even sure that it's worth really talking about with him...

I was upset yesterday because I was talking to my brother and he mentioned that he and his fiance brought the baby to the city last weekend. He was like "we thought about ya!" My jaw hit the floor. "You didn't call me?!" He, too, wasn't too concerned about the fact that he came into town and didn't bother to say shit to me. I understand that people don't come in town specifically to see me, but would it be too awful to let me know...perhaps try and meet for lunch or something? Then he made it worse when he said that he's coming again this weekend to have dinner with our cousin and was like, "do you wanna go have a drink or something when we're done?" I was like "whoa, so I'm not invited to dinner?" He was like "oh yeah, sure, you can come!" Uh...thanks? I know that he's super proud of his new little family and I know that doesn't always include Aunt E, but geez...I don't ever go in town and not contact him. I feel left out. 

I'm considering posting some before and after pictures to document my weight loss. They won't be true "before" pictures because I'm 25 pounds down, but I could still snap a picture or two to compare to pictures of when I'm all the way down to where I want to be. I was thinking of a sports bra and boxers. Of course I'd have to ask Shanee what she thought about it first, just out of respect. Even though I'd be more covered than what she is in her swim suit, it's still draws we're talkin about. I got the idea because a few people have asked how my progress is going...and a certain somebody had a hilarious dream about my muscles being ripped beyond belief. I'm not exactly sure why these two things made me wanna post pictures of myself not fully clothed...lol, but they did. I don't even know if anyone wants to see my half-nekkid body! Perhaps a beater? [I inquired. The answer is no. She said absolutely not. lol]

My sexual appetite has been off the hook the past few weeks. Like, really ridiculous. I'm easily turned on...way more easily than my norm. It's becoming problematic. I cannot wait to go be with my baby in a couple weeks.

Bedtime...

one mile

I went to the movies last night and saw The Collector. We missed the first 5 minutes of the movie, and obviously missed something crucial because I was lost and confused the entire movie. It was scary though, just didn't seem to have a purpose. Anyhow, one of my friends that has been socially unavailable all summer due to no childcare and working 50 hours a week at an unpaid internship is now back on the social scene and available to do things. I'm glad for it. That's who I went with and we had a good time.

It's 10pm on a Saturday night and I'm in the house, in sweat pants on, my face already washed, glasses on. I suppose I could have found something else to do, just elected not to. I'm kind of sorry that I didn't make plans, but part of me feels content to just chill here by myself. I'd better embrace that because it's a fleeting feeling.

I was supposed to go to a wedding today. One of my friends from high school that I also went to college with married her very first boyfriend, her very first everything, that we met our freshmen year of college. I thought it was cool that they invited me since I haven't talked to either of them in about 4 years. I decided it would be fun to go and catch up with everyone, so I rsvp'd and said I'd be there. But I got on the interstate today and my car started makin this crazy sound as soon as I hit 70mph. Nope. Not me, not today (I love Russy on Run's House). I turned around and went back home. I'll send my gift next week or something. I spent the afternoon with another friend instead. We went to Olive Garden (whole wheat linguine isn't THAT bad, even though there's nothing like pasta made from white flour) and then this specialty cupcake shop. It was delicious. After that, we couldn't settle on anything to do, so we just rolled around the central part of the city, north of downtown. She brought me home and I've just been sittin on my ass the rest of the evening. Reading the news and whatnot. 

My mom and my girlfriend are a little scared and worried by my obsession with murder. I love reading murder books and finding out all the information I can about serial killers and certain cases. This weekend is the 40th anniversary of the Manson murders, and TIME did a whole spread about it. Speaking more about my fascination with murder, Shanee thinks I'm absolutely crazy for once having made the statement, "My favorite murder is the Martha Moxley case." She thought it was disgusting that a person would even have something like a favorite murder. Sorry, I just do. Her and my mother both are a little concerned about sleeping in the same house as me. A few years ago when my family traveled to Wisconsin to visit family, I made everyone stop at Jeffrey Dahmer's old house where he did all his psychotic activities. There's a huge fence around it and I hopped it and made my cousin take pictures of me inside it, clinging to the inside of the fence, as if I was trying to escape. Maybe it is a tad bit unhealthy...lol

Speaking of health though, my ass can officially run a mile. I bit through the pain and pressed it out. And I'm happy to have reached a point where I'm not even in pain afterward! I got a manicure and pedicure this morning and when the little China girl was massaging my lower legs, it hurt while she was doing it, but when I was done it felt better than I thought it should, which lets me know that my muscles definitely stood to benefit from the little rubdown. I've got some professional massages lined up for the near future and I'm pumped about 'em.

Studies have shown that the human mind is way more relaxed and whatnot when the space around them is clean and free of clutter. I went through my apartment yesterday morning and straightened up, then did some deep cleaning...like, used the attachments on my vacuum sweeper. It was completely worth it. I think I even slept better, falling asleep without a mound of clothes looking at me or a million pieces of paper all over every surface. I woke up feeling happy, not thinking to myself "damn erika, there's a lot of shit in here." It's pleasant walking into my apartment from being gone and seeing my shoes lined up in a row by the door and the rest of the apartment in order. I think I am going to start making myself really and truly clean every week....give the entire apartment the same attention I give the bathroom (weekly) and the kitchen (daily). Become some kind of neat freak.

I'm growing sleepy...

sick & tired

I love my girl. I really really do. But dammit if she doesn't disgust me at times. I'm sick and tired of it.

She's just selfish. If something isn't convenient for her at the moment or she just doesn't feel like doing something, trust and believe that she won't do it. If it isn't important to her or she doesn't directly stand to benefit from something...it will be the last thing on her list of shit to do. I'd bet money on it. 

I get sick of it. 

I get tired of it.

She is the only person in the world who has the neverending ability to stomp the hell out of my last good nerve. 

Her selfishness combined with my general disgust for the attitudes she has does not make for a positive relationship...

I wonder how much time we've got left.

i made her come

It's my birth month. I'm not excited. This will be my first birthday without my father. I know it will be sad and I'm just simply not looking forward to it. Plus, I'm turning another year older. And my life is in the exact same spot it was on last year's birthday...and the birthday before that. I'm sad about that. But it's giving me the motivation I need to make a life change. I am happy to report that one thing is different though: If I stay on track and work hard, I will turn 26 being 30 pounds lighter than I was when I turned 25. I've lost 20 pounds so far. It's exciting!

Another reason I'm not looking forward to my birthday...at the end of this month and early next month, football preseason kicks off. My favorite person to talk shit with about the games is no longer present. I'm not sure how excited I am for the first Colts game of the season, or any game really. It just hurts that he isn't going to be here. I got my love of football from him. And I can't stand that we won't be texting one another during the games and I won't be calling him to discuss the highlights as I make my drunken way home from the bar on Sunday nights. 

This weekend brought some relief from my constant boredom. On Friday night, me and one of my friends and another of her friends that I've gotten kool with all went to a casino that's about 40 minutes away. It was really fun. I went with 100 dollars, blew it all, got back up to about 50, and ran it down to 20. I'd be willing to go again, but I think I'd rather have it be more of a party atmosphere. I wasn't expecting a bunch of middle aged chain smokers. We left out of there with headaches, stomach aches, burning eyes, and smelling like smoke. They did have a nonsmoking section, but all the fun was over with the smokers. There was one woman there who had us cracking up. She was about 4'5, didn't have a bra on with these little strange looking breasts, she had kinky twists (the worst hair style in the world), her lips were black, her eyes were all glazed over, and she had the rough voice that comes with strained vocal chords from smoking all her life. Her friend won $4,000 on a penny machine. And she lost her mind. "AAAGGGGGHHHH AAAGGGGHHHHH AAAAGGGGHHHHHH SHE WASN'T EVEN GONNA COME, I MADE HER COME! I MADE HER COME! I MADE HER COME! AAAAGGGGHHHH AAAGGGHHHHH!" We were dying laughing! She carried on like that for some 15 minutes. I was like "she should say something else besides 'i made her come.' how about 'i brought her with me." It was funny, but it got annoying after the first 5 minutes. After awhile, she had four casino employees standing behind her trying to urge one another to go over and say something to her. She was disrupting the atmosphere. And all the machines clearly say one machine per person...but she had two machines going, had a cigarette in each hand, and was sitting there in a cloud of smoke, just having the time of her life. None of them worked up the nerve to approach her, so she got to carry on uninterrupted. 

Saturday night, another friend's son turned 3, so there was a party at their house. It was cool, a real laid-back time. Except I got punched in the face by the birthday boy. I was tickling him and he didn't like it...so he swung. And connected. It didn't hurt that bad at the moment, but the bones around my eye and nose are sore now. He got in trouble and was sent to bed. He's been a terror since he was born. He gets kicked out of every day care they put him in. His mom even said that she can't wait until somebody hits him back or beats him up because she thinks that's the only way he'll learn. And it just might be. He gets whippings that are pretty extreme, but they don't seem to really help. Time-outs and whatnot are a joke. His pediatrician already told them that he was going to end up medicated as soon as he starts school. I feel bad for him though because his parents are basically waiting for him to turn 5 so that they can put him on pills to calm him down. And he also has night terrors. They wake up to him screaming bloody murder in his sleep in the middle of the night, almost every night. He's too young to explain what's going on and the doctors told them not to wake him up in the middle of it. So they've actually invested in a video surveillance system so they can watch him without going into his room. I can't imagine how stressful that is for them as his parents (they haven't gotten to sleep longer than 5 hours at a time since he's been born), but I feel like whatever is "getting him" in his sleep might contribute to his aggressive and violent behavior while he's awake. I used to think he was just a sweet kid who had young parents who didn't know how to handle his excessive activity...I mean, what toddler isn't extremely active? What 2 year old doesn't throw fits and have meltdowns? But now I see what they mean...it definitely is deeper than that. They have the beginnings of a problem child on their hands. 

I love Shanee and we want to be with one another, but the communication between us is just no fun anymore. We're creatures of habit these days, so there's nothing fun and exciting to talk about ever. We know each other pretty well, so everyday isn't a learning experience anymore. She knows all my secrets, she's heard all my stories. I don't have anything exciting to say to her anymore and vice versa. We know each other's sense of humor so well, we only smirk at each other's jokes these days, they're not funny anymore. We always say "i knew you were going to say that." I think that we're each in a period of transition right now and we're not at our best. I'm mildly depressed about the death of my father and the distance between her and I gets harder each day. Plus, I'm not happy with my place in life. I'm working on getting a plan together to solve a few problems...move near her, start school. She is living back with her family, which is a love-hate situation. She loves her mother and sister with everything she's got, but she hates the hell out of her step father and it makes her hate being in that house. But it's cheapest and makes the most sense. And she's looking for a job, which is stressful. I'm not sure that she's adjusting too well to life after college. I just hope that things get better once we're living in the same city and are each happier with our lives. 

My manager said something to me yesterday that really struck me. I have thought about it a lot since then. She said she feels like she is going to die young. Said that the women in her family don't live long at all. She's not very old at all and has already lived past the age her mother died. All her aunts died in their 40s. She said she already knows that she doesn't have that much time left. And she said that's why she spends so frivolously and goes on vacation all the time...she honestly feels like she's just living for today. It kind of made me wonder about my own life. My father died young and I wonder if I will live to be older than he did. I hope so. I honestly don't feel that I will share his reality...even though we're genetically very very similar. He was born with a very weak heart and it was attacked by some childhood illness. He began smoking at the age of 9 or something ridiculous like that. His eating habits were horrible and he began picking up a lot of weight in his late 20s. He never exercised. Even if I was born with a weak heart, I didn't have any major childhood illnesses, I don't smoke, I have changed my eating habits, I exercise now and am in the process of losing this weight. I feel like I am doing the things I need to do now in order to increase the quality of my life and the longevity. I do kind of feel where she's coming from though on living for today...I feel like I have a future to look forward to, but I also understand that nothing is for certain and that I should strive to enjoy the present.

I love mornings like this...zero obligation. I like to just sip my coffee, read, write, enjoy myself, relax, listen to music. Do whatever feels right.