Random lil entry...

I hate it when I have dreams that completely speak to the insecurities that I face in my waking life. Absolutely hate it. I wake up feeling like such a loser. Life is stressful enough during wakefulness, why do I have to worry in my sleep too?

Yesterday was kool. I was off from work, so I woke up and chilled and sipped coffee leisurely until mid-afternoon. My mom kept calling and working my very last nerve, but she eventually stopped. I went and worked out, showered, and got dressed. Then I went out to dinner with a group of friends from college...one of our friends got pregnant senior year and packed up and went back to her parents' house in Michigan and last night was the first time we'd seen her since like 2007. She was still silly and crazy as ever. It was only a mildly good time though...much of the conversation was about boys (boring), and I think I made one of my friends cry before we even left her apartment. At that point, it was just her and I sitting there waiting on the others. She told me that she was considering having sex with her ex, who is in a new relationship now. Now, she had initially told me this several months ago and I've always maintained that it's a bad idea. But last night, I'd had enough. I told her it was a horrible idea. That she needed to get her own man. I told her that she wouldn't like it if she were in a relationship and the boy talked to his ex about having sex all the time. Told her she's going to end up with her feelings hurt and looking stupid. Told her it wasn't going to end well and that nothing good would come from it. Asked her why she even remotely thinks it's a good idea. She just looked at me. She eventually turned her face away and wouldn't look at me for several minutes. I think I made her feel stupid, but she knew that what I was saying was true.

My parents are coming to Indianapolis next week to spend 3 days in a hotel because my father has to get all the necessary tests ran and the final approval to be put on the list for a heart transplant. He's really emotional about it, but I'm feeling optimistic. I hope and I pray that he can get a heart and regain his health and get his life back. Right now, he mopes around the house, depressed and scared, and he's absolutely evil.

I wanted desperately to do something this evening. Anything not to sit in the house by myself. Nobody has any money or the time. I did get invited to a bachelorette party, but figured it would be really random to go since I don't know the bride-to-be or anybody else that would be in attendance. Plus, I feel out of place at those types of events.

....

L word Sex

I told Shanee that the next time we see one another, we're gonna have sex like they do on the L word. First, I'm gonna approach her and say something that's either semi-aggressive or extremely vague, then I'm going to back her up against a wall and shove my tongue down her throat and then 10 seconds later, I've got her clothes off and her back is to me. We're gonna be breathin all crazy, rubbin on each other all hard and vigorous, I told her she's gotta throw her arm around the back of my neck and we have to rock to a rhythm while my hands do the work and then we're gonna shudder to a climax within 5 seconds of each other. Haha...

I broke down and used the Starbucks gift card today. It didn't last long. It was kind of a treat to myself for having to endure a vaginal exam, not to mention a 20-minute wait in the waiting room, plus filling out all my paper work again because the computer system crashed at the office. But tomorrow, back to Folgers...

The girl from yesterday's post was shaadddyyy at work today. Had nothing to say to me and absolutely zero eye contact. It wasn't like that yesterday. I guess knowing that somebody deleted your number makes you not want to talk to them or lay eyes on them. It was kind of amusing. What does she expect? You can't play me completely to the left just because life gets rough sometimes and then just decide you can handle being friends with me again.

I wore my muscles in my legs all the way down today during my workout. I feel like my thighs are about to fall apart, like the muscles are just about to separate. I wonder what it will be like in the morning... :-/

sleep is quickly approaching...

if you wanna get gone...then get gone.

I got a text from a random number earlier this evening...

random - hey, i heard some of the Grey's characters were leaving, that sucks
me - who's this?
random - **** from work. dang, did you erase my number or somethin?
me - oh. yeah, i did. along with every other number that i don't use anymore.
her - oh.
me - but yeah, that does suck. i don't blame them for leavin though.

yeah.

It never ceases to amaze me when people want to treat me funny or be through with me, then when it's good for them, they wanna come back around and be kool. The thing that kills me is that 95% of the time, I didn't do anything...and they're typically pretty quick to say so..."you didn't deserve it, it was me." Yeah, I already knew that, thanks. It's unfortunate, but once this happens, the relationship is typically never the same again. Especially in the cases in which I wasn't being treated like I deserved or the person just up and decided they didn't wanna fuck with me anymore, just disappeared without notice. Call me unforgiving, but there isn't much coming back after that. The person in the conversation used to work in my department. We were kool to an extent, but when she left my department for a better paying position in another department, we weren't that kool anymore, but I did begin going to her house to watch Grey's Anatomy on Thursday evenings. But one week, she waited until right before the show was about to start and cancelled. Then she did it again the next week. At that point, I didn't even make plans to watch it with her. She quit talking to me at work. She would turn her head when I smiled or said hi to her. She just turned into somethin else. I pulled her aside one day and asked what was going on. She said she was going through some things. Well, unless your cable got disconnected (which I realize it may have), we can still hang out to watch our show. She just wasn't feelin it...and she seemed generally just disinterested in being friends period. So I went on about my business. Lo and behold, about 2 months later, I'm getting texts asking me to come watch Grey's with her and she hopes I haven't replaced her with another buddy to watch the show with (what she wasn't aware of is that she was actually somebody else's replacement as my Grey's buddy...another person that came before her that just opted to quit me). I just kind of ignored the questions and declined her invitation. She gets a head-nod out of me at work these days. I just fail to see how people think it's okay to utilize the option to drop in and out of other people's lives with no explanation or warning. Of course, it's always an option. But why take it unnecessarily? People are so devastated when their lover or significant other just up and leaves....luckily, I've never had that happen, but I'm just as shocked and upset when friends do it. And just like the heartbroken person who got left, I'm skeptical when they come crawlin back.

I'm so lonellllyyyy....I have nobodddyyyyyy....

(the title is for you, Shanee...lolol)

The best part of waking up...is Folgers in my cup!

I've made the decision to quit Starbucks. Fiscally, it doesn't make a lot of sense to drink my daily coffee there. I've got a gift card with about 5 bucks on it that I'm saving to use on a day when I just absolutely need it. (Yes, it's that bad.) I've decided to just wake up in enough time to brew my coffee here at home. I'm only on day 3 of this decision, so we'll see...

It felt good to sleep in today. I woke up and kind of dozed in and out for about an hour and a half, but just to lay in bed felt marvelous. I'm considering just not even leaving my apartment today. Just stay inside...read...write...do job applications....maybe do my taxes....use a ton of water and do like 12 loads of laundry. That type of thing.

Last night, my friend L, the one I wrote about a few weeks ago about dropping, came over. I've decided to just keep a light friendship with her. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm selfish, but I made the decision out of loneliness. Most of my friends that are my age are either married, live with their boyfriend like they're married, have kids, or are in school. Nobody that I actually like and enjoy spending time with has the time to just entertain me. By entertain, I just mean eat with, watch movies with, just somebody to talk to. People have their own lives. Maybe I need a hobby or to get involved in the community somehow. Anyhow, L has the potential to be good company and she seems to enjoy mine. So, kind of out of desperation, I decided to hang with her last night. I cooked lemon pepper tilapia, mashed sweet potatoes, mixed veggies, and baked a pan of brownies. We ate and were in the middle of the movie "Se7en" when drama unfolded. L's mom called and said she was sick of the shit her dad was doing, she followed him when he left the house and he wasn't where he said he was going to be, and she was going to ask him for a divorce when he got home from Lord knows where. L got all worked up into a frenzy and was yelling, crying, and freakin the fuck out. She tried to call her mom and suggest that her mom confront him the next morning as opposed to in the middle of the night after he'd been drinking. Her mom wouldn't hear of it...she had the courage at that moment and was burning mad, so it was then or never. I tried to tell L that it was her parents' concern and that she couldn't do anything about it...she was inconsolable. I got mad when she began raising her voice and clapping her hands at me. I just decided not to say anything...it wasn't my fault that her dad is a dickbag. She was scared to go home and I kind of felt sorry for her. But lonely or not, it will probably be another couple weeks before I hang with her again.

I know that when in a relationship, you have to sometimes put your own wants and desires behind the other person's happiness and comfort. Relationships are about sacrifice. I know this. But here lately, I've kind of been in a general state of dissatisfaction about Shanee and I's communication. She's taking a full load of classes, she's active on campus, she works about 15 hours a week, and she has a pretty decent social calendar. My baby is not lame by any means, but she's quiet and not very outgoing. When I met her, she didn't have any friends. Me, her two best friends since forever, her family, and one quirky boy named Rufus was pretty much it....she was available at all times to talk to me. Whenever I wanted, I could just call her up and we would talk for hours. She called me all the time too. But now, shit is just different. After work and school, she's got homework and commitments to the organization that she's in and the intramural basketball team she's on, and she's got a new group of friends that she enjoys hanging out with. She's 21 and a senior in college...it's only natural for her to be social and be wanting to go out and hang out as much as she can. She calls me as much as she can....in between things and when she has a spare moment and we always talk before bed. But somehow, I want more. I feel that since our situation is different, there's 600 miles between us, I feel like she should make more time for me. Am I just being selfish? Do I expect too much? I just wish she would skip plans with friends once in awhile to stay home specifically to just talk to me without me having to ask for it. I'm jealous of her friends because they get to spend time with her and I don't. She tells me not to be jealous because our connection is tighter than with any of her friends and the time we spend is a million times more special, but I can't help it really. I want to spend time with her! I hate saying goodbye and hanging the phone up because her friends have arrived. When she tells me about her plans to play wii and watch the L word with her girls, it makes me so sad....I wanna go too! She always tells me she wishes I could come and that her friends wanna meet me and I do believe her when she says those things...but it doesn't make it go away. I want to be with her doing those things!! I know that if things go as planned, we will only be apart for another few months and then we'll be living under one roof and it won't matter how packed her schedule is because I'll be along for the ride. I kinda feel like I need to just get a life. Because I'm bored with my life, I focus on hers and just want to be a part of everything she does. It's kind of lame now that I really think about it. But it's true.

.....

a blank

So many things worth writing about...swimming through my mind....and I just don't feel like writing....

moving & boredom

I'm finally all settled in my new apartment. My mom, brother, and uncle came to spend the day with me on Sunday to help transport all my belongings. I got it all in and by Wednesday, everything was set up, put away, in place, and ready for me to "live." So far I'm really liking it. I'm glad I picked this place.

Aside from the new apartment, I find myself bored with life lately. My job is an absolute bore. Due to the snow and recession/depression that we're in the midst of, there is nobody out shopping. And the truth of the matter is, the people that are out shopping are not buying cameras and pictures. They are buying groceries and other necessities. So, my department has been running a decrease in terms of sales and that's no good. On top of that, Sam's Club is staying afloat by running on as little manpower as possible. We have no payroll basically. All the part time people are lucky to get approximately 18 hours per week. They are inadvertently asking the full-timers to help out and get off the clock by encouraging things like "extended lunches" and "half days." Anyway, there aren't many customers coming in, so there isn't a lot to do. For instance, today I passed the time by writing the schedules out all the way until mid-April. We do maintenance on the equipment, but there's only so many tests we can run and so many things we can clean and maintain. After awhile, you start staring off into space and drooling. I personally find myself saving the maintenance tasks for my associates because they really need things to do to keep busy. One of them is known for leaving the department and roaming the sales floor and spending a lot of time with a certain young lady at the service desk. The other one will get on the phone. I am struggling to find things for them to do. The other day, I asked the Roamer to clean the baseboards of the flooring...that's how far out of things to do we were.

Aside from the boredom at work, each day I am faced with the daunting question: to make plans for the evening, or sit at home alone? Tonight I've opted to stay in by my lonesome and get some things accomplished: more job applications, write a blog, grocery shop, read, taxes. I'm re-reading the E. Lynn Harris books for fun and in honor of his new book that came out on Jan. 27 that I have yet to obtain.

Shanee continues to be a bright spot in my life. She makes me happy. I did, however, manage to piss her off so bad the other night that she didn't want to talk to me. She opted to just go to bed and talk to me the next day. That's never happened before. It was alarming. I was extremely upset and just decided to call her up anyway. We talked through it and got back on the right foot. (Lord knows I hate bein' on the left!) I've made a mental note to never push the buttons I pushed that night. I just hate the distance between us. It gets harder each and every day. The complications and problems that arise are strictly a result of the 600 miles between us. The only reason we even had a problem the other day was because of distance. It was a huge misunderstanding that wouldn't have ever even came up had we been in the same city. I just hope time passes quickly and we can find ourselves in more of a normal situation.

More tomorrow...

he got married...

Sometime in the spring of 2007, I became ready to live out loud and be real with self and others about being gay. Around that same time, my good friend KL met a young lady with whom he quickly fell in love. Life was great for both of us. Until a moment in time when something changed.

I have no clue what happened and I probably won't ever truly know. The girl that KL had gotten serious about...it's probably not fair for me to call her insecure with herself or to say that she was extremely suspicious of everyone in KL's life because I never met the girl. But from what I was told by KL directly was that she had gotten divorced because she found her husband cheating on her. Lying, sneaking, cheating, and anything else along those lines does terrible things to a person's self-esteem and sense of security in future relationships. With that being said, KL already had a task on his hand, to never do anything that would make her doubt him or feel any worry about things. Well, he found out the hard way that she was very very serious about certain things. Without listing off all the things that KL was deeply concerned about regarding their relationship, I'll state one thing that indicates how worried she was: she forbade him to masturbate. She walked in on him doing it once and freaked out. Felt that masturbation meant that he was unhappy with their sex life and she saw it as the beginning of infidelity. (I tell you...once somebody has been deceived and really hurt, the things their brain can conjure up are amazing.) That's what I know to be fact. Shortly after the particular conversation that KL and I had about this, KL quit communicating with me. All I can do is speculate about what happened. My hypothesis is that KL, in an attempt to be perfectly honest with his new love, probably told her that he and I had sexual history. We never dated. When we kissed, it was extremely awkward because there was no passion. The only reason we ever got physically involved was just for GP...boredom...somethin to do. We both knew that. And it was fine. It happened ages ago. By the time 2007 rolled around, KL and I were strictly friends, had not touched one another in over a year. Well, since she wouldn't even allow him to touch his own body in a sexual way, my assumption is that she definitely wasn't going to allow him to be friends with someone who used to touch his body in a sexual way. I'd almost put money down that she told him that she'd rather him not speak to me anymore. I'm sure that he obliged...he loved her with his whole heart and wanted nothing more than to be with her. Everything that she wanted, he did it without complaint.

But the thing is...whatever happened....whatever went down....whether this is the case or not....regardless of what the situation was, he could have told me that we weren't going to be friends anymore. For whatever reason, he elected to just ignore me. It hurt. Real bad. But there wasn't anything I could do about it but just move on. Try and forget about it...I was unsuccessful. I missed him and I still do. Everybody tells me that if it was so easy for him to just up and never talk to me again, then we must not have really been all that tight and he must not have been that good of a friend. I see their reasoning, but the truth of the matter is that he was a great friend. Amongst the best I've had. Always had my back, agreed with me when I was wrong, always there for me to talk to. I miss that. With most people, the "fuck it" attitude seemingly comes out of nowhere and I can write people off fairly quickly and easily. But I just can't. I just find myself filled with immense sadness.

The only reason I'm writing about this right now is because, within the past few days, I've been alerted to the fact that they got married. Last February. I, of course, wasn't invited and had no clue he was marrying her. That, to me, was like the final indication that our friendship is really over. I logged on to facebook the other day and the very first thing on my newsfeed was someone writing on his wall, asking how married life was. I went and checked his page and it definitely said married. The girl had written all over his wall and she definitely had his last name. Then, coincidentally, KL's cousin came to my job today. I inquired about the wedding and he confirmed that they were indeed married. Said it was a nice little ceremony. I was crushed.

I myself am a little more jealous and a little more possessive than what's probably good. I can completely understand KL's girl being uncomfortable with our friendship. We did have a tight bond and not only did we have sexual history, we just had a lot of history period. I took KL to his very first concert ever...we went and saw Twista. We both had duds for cars in high school and our early college years so we used to lament over them together. We used to drive down the main drag in Terre Haute and do Chinese fire drills at every red light until the police made us stop. Everybody has memories with the people they've experienced things with. I know that these memories and our bond were important to KL to a certain extent as well because every girl that came before this one, he would tell them outright, "erika is my best friend, she's been there for me through too much for me to ever put you before her." I fully understand that as your relationship progresses to the point of being in love and thinking that you're going to be together for life, that person has to come first. How could they not? I totally would have expected for us to talk way less, for us to not see each other very much, for her to take the place as his best friend in his life, to be his go-to person. But for him to decide that we're just not friends anymore, I expect to be told that as well. I may not have been happy to hear the news, but I would have been happy for him and possibly even proud of him and admired him for doing whatever he had to do to keep a happy home ( so many people these days refuse to sacifice for the sake of their relationship, then wonder why they end up single). Plain and simple, I would have respected his decision and would have respected him for coming to me and telling me straight up. But apparently, he didn't feel the need for any of that. That's what hurts.

Like I said above, the fact that he got married and I didn't have a clue speaks volumes to me about how our friendship is completely dead and I'm just as good as non-existent to him. It's interesting [and by interesting, i mean sad]...over the course of the past couple years, people have dropped out of my life randomly, and a few actually told me that they didn't want to be kool with me anymore....but they have all made a come-back. Every single one of them. I've gotten a phone call, a text, an IM, a facebook or myspace message....something. They have all hit me back up and told me that they miss me and that they want me back in their life. Well, for most of them, it was a case of too little too late. But Keith has never popped back up. He's never attempted to make contact out of the blue. I haven't seen him in any of my inboxes in almost 2 years. He's the only one I want to hear from.

It's unfortunate that this is an extremely old situation and I'm still as sad as can be about it. Just learning of his year-old marriage for the first time this week has me messed up. The whole situation has plagued my mind today as if it happened yesterday. I know that I'll be fine, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Valentine's Day

Monday night, I went to bed thinking that I had to be at work at 12:30 yesterday. Luckily, right before falling asleep, I checked my schedule. I really had to be at work at 8:30. Yuck. So I set my alarm for 5:45 so that I could get up, rush around and get my belongings together, and be on the road by 6:30. Needless to say, I was absolutely exhausted by the time I arrived at work at 8:35. Waking up so early, then rushing around, then driving in the snow just had me worn the hell out. Work was okay though.

I had to write the schedule for my staff to turn in yesterday and I realized that I was writing for the week of Valentine's Day. When I was young, Valentine's day was characterized by those lil cheap cards and chocolate galore and parties in the classroom. Then, when I was in 7th grade, my grandfather died on February 14. That forever changed the tone of the day for me. For every year after that that I lived in my parent's house was marked with sadness. My dad always seemed down and out on that day. No waking up to heart shaped pancakes and a ride to school. In high school, I always seemed to be in-between relationships when Valentine's day rolled around. After high school, I pretty much just ignored the day. Sometimes I would be invited to go to dinner or something with a big group of single girls just to do something. Once I started working at Red Lobster, I was required to work that nght, so I never thought of it as anything more than a busy-ass shift. I would look at all the couples and kinda wish I had someone, but it didn't really get to me. I began to see Valentine's day as a big commercial thing. It was dumb, just another day. I even took it upon myself one year to wish people "Happy February 15th!" the day after, just to be smart ass...if the day is about love, shouldn't we show it everyday, not just some random day in mid-February??! But for some reason....this year...I feel different. I believe the presence of a relationship has something to do with it. Last year, I was in the same relationship, but it wasn't exactly positive all the time. Now that we've ironed out most of the kinks and everything is going well, the day has a different feel to it. Once I completed writing my schedule yesterday, I texted Shanee to ask her if she would not make plans for that Saturday so that her and I could have a phone date. Yes, a phone date. It's lame and corny, but I wanted to set aside that night just for the two of us to talk and spend that time together the best way we can. It's unfortunate that the phone is all we have, but I have to make use of what I've got. Her and I are very different on a lot of levels...we think differently, we feel differently, we perceive differently. I have no doubt in my mind, that since we aren't in the same city, she would have treated the day just like it was any other Saturday. If someone had hit her up about a party or a get-together or something, she would have gone without a second thought. I kinda felt sad that I had to specifically ask her to not make plans for that day, but I know her...to stay at home specifically to chill on the phone would not have really crossed her mind. I've grown to respect our differences, but sometimes, just a tiny bit, I wish we were more in-tune about those types of things. But like I said...it's no secret that we're vastly different. She can't read my mind...so I'm not ashamed or afraid to ask for what I want.

After work, I drove home in the snow storm. It was a long, tedious drive. I was just thankful to have made it in safely...all they were talking about on the radio were the accidents all over town. I just came in the house and did job applications and talked to Shanee for the rest of the day. Low-key evening. I have to make great strides in my packing today, definitely.

....

Puzzle Pieces

I woke up yesterday and even though I'd gotten a full night's rest, I was just exhausted. Sometimes, just the thought of a long, full day is enough to exhaust me. I wake up tired just thinking of all the stuff I have to do. Anyway, when I woke up, I was facing 9 hours of work, then a company winter party, then driving home to Terre Haute. For some reason, it just seemed like a lot. And it proved to be so. Work was long, boring, and tiring. Then we had the company party. It was kool. I won a camcorder, a trucker hat, and a bath set. It was a decent time though. My coworkers are hilarious at times. I hit the road when it was over to come to Terre Haute for my mother's birthday.

I got into town last night at around 10:30. Sat and chilled with my parents. I went to bed kind of early.

Woke up this morning and just watched tv and chilled. Washed some clothes. Then we went to my mother's salon and I got a haircut. I felt kind of bad that I made my mother work on her birthday, but not bad enough to skip a haircut lol. After I got my haircut, we went to my brother's house to pick up the sofa he's giving me for my new place. Once it was loaded into the back of the truck, we went to an authentic Chinese restaurant. I had real General Tso's for the first time. It was wonderful. My mom was annoying because she got on my brother and I for not trying something else. Saying that she didn't raise us to be close-minded and non-experimental and whatnot. "You guys can get general tso's anywhere, why would you get it here when you have a chance to actually get good Chinese food?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not really a huge fan of Chinese anyway. Something about the way it's cooked, the sauces used, and the seasoning...I'm just not impressed. I'll eat it, but I never crave it on my own or suggest it. I typically eat it out of compliance with someone else's wishes. Given all this, I was going to stick with what I know. I wasn't in the mood to try a pu pu platter gang pang chicken. Just didn't sound appealing. I was kind of irritated that she equated that with not being open minded. And the thing that made it especially bad was that I had stated three times before we even went that I wasn't really feelin Chinese.

I elected to give my mom the bath set I won last night as a gift for her birthday. I don't use bath sets and she loves things like that. Perfect gift, it was easy and free to obtain, and she loved it. The one thing I hate about coming home is that I don't get to talk to Shanee as much. My parents are firm believers that to text in the company of others is rude. They think it's horrible for me to sit with them but obviously be engaged in conversation with someone who isn't present. And in addition to that, with my father refusing to go to bed, he's always present. I can't get any privacy until I'm laying in bed behind a closed door. I don't know if it's because I'm home or the fact that I'm not going to be happy with our amount of communication until we live together and I see her everyday. I miss her more and more each day. It's so unfortunate.

I had a pretty good conversation with a friend the other day. About gayness and straightness. She began dating a girl in high skool, then dated a boy in college, and has dated 2 girls seriously since then. Just a couple months ago, she was very set on being a lesbian and wouldn't hear of messing around with a boy. But then she tells me yesterday that if her relationship ends, she's going to "be straight" again. She said she feels that men have better personalities and she is tired of dealing with other women's emotions in addition to her own. I honestly feel that those things are separate from gender and sexuality. I know many more men with shitty personalities and unattractive characteristics than women. I also know plenty of women who are not emotional at all, stone cold. I think she just hasn't met the right woman yet. She said she will always be physically attracted to women, but if she's in love with a man, it won't matter. I was happy to hear that she intends to be faithful. She also said that there won't be any switching back and forth. I told her that she doesn't have to put one label on herself and that be it. She's allowed to change her mind, to have dual attractions. There does exist a phenomenon known as bisexuality lol. She also said something else that stuck with me. She said she has yet to meet anyone that was a perfect match for her. She feels the closest thing she's ever had to a soul mate was the boy she was with in college. She said that her and the girls were more like puzzle pieces...they fit together, but they were total opposites. I kind of liked that description. I believe Shanee and I are puzzle pieces. We're pretty much opposites on a lot of levels, but it's good. We fit together like puzzle pieces. We come together for a nice picture...the sum of our parts is great and makes perfect sense. But my friend isn't content like that. She wants it all. She wants her perfect match on every level. She is extremely smart and wants some equally smart. She is arrogant and wants someone just like that as well. She can be an asshole at times and she wants somebody who's also like that. It's well within her right to desire what she wants, but I wonder if it's worthwhile to really think she's going to meet someone exactly like her. All in all, it was an interesting conversation and I'm glad we had it.

bedtime...

Cocaine

Not much has been going on. Same ol' same ol'. Can't complain.

I'm really starting to get excited about moving. Now that I've actually began sorting through things and marking things off my list, I really can't wait. Only a little over a week left in this place! I can't believe I've lived here this long. I remember when I first moved in, I didn't think I would be here any longer than a few months. But that was in the summer of 2006. I never thought it would happen, but I grew comfortable here. I've made many memories here. Regardless of how I felt when I first got here, it's been home. I'm still thrilled to be leaving though!

It's really funny how off-base our perceptions of people can be sometimes. I went to dinner with a friend last night. I've been friends with her for like 3 years, met her my junior year of college. I thought I pretty much knew her. Last night she revealed that she is absolutely dying to try crack. She wasn't even joking. She knows when she's going to try it, where, and the person she's going to try it with. She said she doesn't mind the risk of addiction. She said that she knows it's a terrible idea but she's going to do it anyway. I was so shocked. I just kept telling her, "you're crazy!" and other similar remarks. I couldn't believe it. Drugs are so far off of my list of things to do that I don't ever consider that they could very well be on other people's. When I think of cocaine and any other drug besides weed, I think of addicts who will do anything for their next hit. And I always think they got that way because of one bad decision, like poor snap judgment at a random party or someone gave it to them mixed in something else and they weren't aware. I wasn't aware that people consciously desired, with a sober mind, to try the drug for long periods of time, especially well-to-do college students who've got their ducks in a row and everything seemingly in their favor. I didn't say too much to her about it, but I really hope she changes her mind.

Bed early for me tonight...