Friday, November 27, 2009

full of thanksgiving

I experienced my first Thanksgiving without my father and lived to tell about it...

The day was kind of tough at spots, after the food was prayed over and we all sat down to eat, my mom pulled an empty chair out from the table, as if she was preparing a place for someone to sit. It was awkward in the same way that it was for her to have a tea setting next to my dad's recliner in the living room (which I noticed has disappeared...I ignored it, but I do wonder where it went and mother got a new living room set, so I'm assuming the old recliner just didn't match...) Anyhow, no one sobbed or made a big deal out of anything, which I appreciated. We kept it lighthearted and joyful for the most part. My brother was plainly in some sort of mood...I'm not sure if it was sadness or irritation. He rolled his eyes on several instances throughout the afternoon...I'm not sure if his fiance had gotten on his nerves, or if he was hiding his sadness about my dad, if my mother was getting on his last nerve, if he was just irritated because dinner wasn't on the table until an hour and a half after it was supposed to be, or what. All of those things were kind of getting on my nerves honestly, but the Lady had kind of prepped me for it beforehand, reminding me to just be thankful for what and who I do have.

Speaking of being thankful, in the past I've always been able to rattle off a list of things that I'm thankful for while only mildly feeling truly thankful for it. But since losing my father, I have grown some genuine appreciation for people and things and the life that I live. I feel the pain that others feel when they comment about the holidays being bittersweet. I never truly tasted the bitter before this year. While my parents were divorced, I didn't love spending the holidays with one parent or another or having to divide up the time, but it was a piece of cake compared to this though. Some of my classmates from high school, a brother and sister pair, had to unplug their mother's life support this heart went out to them in such a way that I didn't know was possible. I thought about them all day, along with everyone else I know that's missing a parent. I know that a lot of people were raised up with just one parent for various reasons, but I have a LOT of cousins that don't have a father in their lives. I always said that I was thankful for having both my parents with me and around me, but never felt it like this. It's one thing to have had to lay a parent to rest when you're a small child or to be adopted by a lifelong single woman, but it's quite another to have to just live with the fact that your father elected to not be in your life. I'm beyond thankful for the fact that my father was in my life from the moment it started and never once opted out. Too many people don't have that reality...

The Lady reminded me this morning to be thankful for the fact that I even have my mother and she's so right. I definitely am thankful for my mother. But she can sure work a nerve. I honestly feel like she isn't happy unless she's telling me to do something. Whether it's hand her this, go over there and grab her that, put this in there and then put that in here, bring her some coffee, clear the table, find the baby's pacifier, help load the car, hand her her purse, help wash dishes. Every time I turned around, she was ordering me around. And it's like that every single time I see her. I was in high school the last time I lived at her house, but it's like she forgets that I'm not 12....every time we're together, she just orders me around. I get tired of it. Her sense of humor is a lil more serious than mine is and sometimes I laugh directly in her face about something that she's said or done and she gets offended. It gets on my nerves because it's not with evil intent that I'm laughing. Either it's genuinely funny or it's just a joke...but she gets so serious about it. Like brother accidentally left with my mother's car keys in his coat pocket. He discovered them and drove them back to her before she even realized they were missing. He gave us all a hug, then was like "I'm going to use the bathroom real quick before I go." He went to the restroom, then came back in the living room and said another round of goodbyes, then left the house for good. About 20 minutes later, I said something about him and my mom was like "be careful, he might hear you! He's in the bathroom!" as she nodded her head in the direction of the bathroom. My uncle and I just kind of looked at her, blank faces. She was tired, she's got a pretty decent level of stress in her life, and today was tough on us all...but she must have had some kind of serious memory lapse to have thought that he was still even at the house. She realized her error and I was like "ooooo you need an herbal supplement, your memory is goooone!" and laughed. My uncle laughed. My mom cut her eyes at both of us. It was a joke. Just playing around. But no, just so uptight all the time. She's very very stressed out right now. She's grieving my father, she's dating this new dude, she's dealing with the fact that my brother and I don't approve of her dating him and refuse to allow him to come to any events or anything, her siblings are in her ear telling her that it's her life to live and she's got to do what makes her happy, she's in college, my brother and his fiance expect my mother to be available to babysit a LOT, she owns and manages her business, she keeps her house spotless, she does all the wigs for the cancer society in our town, she's in NAACP, and she's active in her card club. I understand that it's a lot going on and she has every right to feel stretched in a lot of directions. I sympathize with her for that. But she explicitly told me the other day that she would wait until I tell her that I'd like to meet this new dude she's dating and that she won't try to time it or decide for me when it's okay to bring him around. But sure enough, this evening, she asked me if I thought I'd be ready to meet him by New Year's. I told her no and reminded her of what she said. I just couldn't believe it. It's one thing for friends and past loves to disrespect my feelings and hear me say one thing and then do the exact opposite, but it has some extra sting on it for my own mother to do it. And last weekend when I was home, I told her about the Lady. She just kind of nodded, didn't have anything to say. My mother is kind of childish in the fact that she'll often go tit for tat with a person. If you criticize her, she'll criticize you. I know that she didn't express any sort of interest or ask any questions or anything about who I'm talking to because I don't do that for who she's talking to. I'm not happy about who she's dating so she refuses to be happy about who I'm dating. It makes me sick, but that's her general attitude and it's been that way forever and I've seen her treat people like that over and over. I'm just generally unhappy with a lot of the ways in which she does things. But what am I going to do? She's my mother, I can't break up with her or just never call her again or keep her on text-only status or anything else you do with people that are purely optional in your life.

I need to work on my communication skills. This evening, the Lady and I had a communication breakdown that resulted in a long period of silence in which I was extremely confused and frustrated. Her being so kool about it helped diffuse it a lot, but I was still kind of salty, primarily at myself. The backstory is that there's a girl that added me on facebook one day and I wasn't sure who she was at all. We had some friends in common so I just figured that I knew her and just couldn't remember her, so I confirmed it. A few weeks later, she confessed that she'd come to my job several times in the past few months specifically to see my beautiful, personality-filled face but couldn't get up the nerve to approach me [stalker]. By this time, we'd become kool with one another, exchanging tweets and texts and whatnot and I didn't see much reason to terminate the budding actually developed. She's on a serious weight loss journey just like I am and she's got a lot of good insight and advice, she's hilarious, and there was a night that I had car trouble and she offered to help me when no one else did and AAA was taking too long. Anyhow, she just broke up with her girlfriend last week and she invited me to dinner and a movie for Friday and the way in which she posed the question implied that she would be paying for the night. I agreed and told her we'd confirm details early Friday, but I knew that I needed to run it past the Lady first...I respect the hell out of her feelings and wanted her opinion on the situation. This girl is obviously physically attracted to me, fresh out of a relationship, and wants to take me out for a night of datish activities. When I ran it down to the Lady and asked her if she was comfortable with it, she replied yes but that I should pay for myself. I was surprised that she was more concerned about who paid for my half of the night than about the fact that we were out doing these date-like activities together, just the two of us, in the first place. Instead of just double-checking that she was indeed comfortable with my spending the time with her and making sure to let Stalker know that I would be paying for myself, my ass asked what it mattered who paid. The Lady and I do have some different opinions on payment, but I did understand her position and I respect how she feels about it. And again, instead of just expressing that, I had to say something else. I don't even remember what exactly I said, but I ended up talking us in a circle and said some asshole things. I said that if Stalker wants to take me out and pay for me and think that we're on a date, then it's no skin off my back. Her perception of events doesn't matter. Two seconds before that, I'd expressed how I told Stalker that she'd been a blessing to me because of the help she offered and some of the experiences we have in common as big girls trying to diet. And then had the nerve to get defensive and sulk when the Lady called me deceitful. (and she's so classy and wonderful that she didn't even actually call me deceitful, she didn't even do it in some accusing or derogatory way, she just simply stated that it wasn't acceptable to deceive Stalker if, in fact, Stalker thought we were on a date.) It's not funny, but sometimes I just have to laugh at myself. Obviously, I was dead wrong on two accounts (probably more): I should have just listened to what she said and kept it moving AND I shouldn't have made those dickhead comments about Stalker. I shouldn't discount anyone's feelings about, it's wrong, and two, I'm quick to be crying if anyone discounts my feelings. Lord knows I damn near act like the Civil Rights Act got overturned, like some sort of personal injustice was done to me if anyone hurts my feelings. I know I got a lot of nerve. Just all the way around, from the front to the back, I know I was really trippin. And the Lady is just so smooth, she didn't even get mad. She was so super kool. And I know that she knows that I was trippin. She was so nice about it. (Or just didn't wanna take the time to really break down for me all the ways that I was actin up.) She probably just rolled her eyes and shook her head and went to sleep, if she even paid me that much thought. She's definitely somethin' else, just as sweet and as she wants to be. I don't know what I did to get so lucky to have her in my corner, but I'm super thankful.

Friday, November 20, 2009

hurt feelings

I just got home from the midnight premiere of New Moon, the second in the Twilight series. It was awesome and amazing, I loved every minute of it. I went with a friend and some coworkers. Pretty decent company, minus the ending where we all got up and filed out of the theater and bolted to our cars, never uttering a single word to one another or anything...kind of weird. Maybe because I'm a supervisor and they're not, they didn't feel real compelled to stand around and make small talk with me. Perhaps the time was the's after 2am and we'd all been yawning since 11:30. They possibly just figured that we'd certainly be talking about it at work, no reason to stand around in the cold and make commentary. Whatever their reasoning was, it was just strange to me. When you spend 4 long hours in a movie theater with someone (two hours before the showtime, then the movie), I just thought that "goodbye" or "see you tomorrow" or "peace" or just something was customary. I guess not?

Before the movie started, my friend (the only one who found me worthy of parting words) and I met for dinner. She told me that I should be glad that the Lady lives so far away because I deserved to have my ass kicked for what I said to her this afternoon. I insulted the hell out of her without even meaning to. I don't remember my exact words, but I made some sort of reference to her being a mentor and talking to kids about fashion and being too beautiful to be a teacher. Silly comments to have made. I intended them in the best ways, but they did not go across smoothly. As long as I've known her, she's been trying tirelessly to land a job doing magazine writing. She likes fashion. It's not a secret that she thoroughly enjoys both of those things. Within the past couple months, she's began speaking of teaching. I guess in my mind, teaching was just a last resort, something meaningful and honorable that would also earn her a salary. Great reasons to take a job. I just figured that if teaching was her dream, then she wouldn't have bothered so much with the fashion writing and magazine opportunities and whatnot. Based on the amount of time and effort she puts in, I figured that's where her heart was, the true passion. I didn't get that when she spoke of teaching. I'm not really sure why I elected to mention her looks when I spoke on this, I guess that was the ignorant thing. I could have just said exactly what I just typed and she probably would have understood my stance just fine. I know that I made the comment about mentoring children about fashion because we'd discussed earlier in the day our passions and goals and what motivates and drives us in life and she said that it's important to her to have a career that involves her interests. So, if she's fulfilled and gets a sense of purpose and accomplishment from mentoring children, but also loves's plain to see that I just expressed it in a completely wrong way. I made it seem like all she's good for is fashion and magazines. Or like it's impossible for her to be so hot, but also have something to bring to a classroom or be able to impact a child's life in a positive way. I felt horrible when she let me know how bad it hurt her feelings. I don't think I've been that sorry in a long time. I felt like a piece of dog shit for insulting her, upsetting her, hurting her feelings, and making her feel devalued. There was a positive aspect to it all though: I gained awareness of two matters. At the end of me apologizing, I asked her if she felt like I didn't like her for her mind. She said that she knows I like her mind, but it's off balance because I definitely act like I am much more interested in her body most of the time. She gently called me out about it, let me know that I need to balance it out better. That was the second thing I learned. The first thing happened right after I insulted her. Like I said, I don't think I've ever been that sorry before. I've never cried over hurting someone's feelings before. As my eyes filled with tears while she told me how it made her feel, it hit me that I must CARE about this girl in a really big way. It just cut me so bad and I felt so horrible that I was the reason for her being unhappy. I honestly don't think I've ever been committed to anyone's happiness like that before, to the point that I'm gonna be the one crying when I'm not even the one that got her feelings shat on. It's deep.

Earlier this morning, we discussed our differing positions on work, career, and what truly matters to us in life. It made me really begin to think about the things that I need to do. Right now, the only real sense of personal satisfaction I get is from working out, losing weight, and talking to her. Not from my job. I always love my friends, but I'm not doing anything big in their lives or anything. What I've concluded is that I think I will begin looking into becoming a personal trainer. I can still lose weight, I can work out all day everyday, and help people change their lives in positive ways. My friend Elizabeth takes me with her to every dance audition she's ever gone on because I'm her biggest fan. I believe in her and I don't have a problem telling her and showing her. I've been told on countless occasions from friends that the only reason they did certain things was because I encouraged them to do it and believed in them. I guess it's safe to say that I'm good at motivating people on a personal level. Personal training would be great for me. An awesome side hustle for while I'm in graduate school, plus it would keep me focused on my own goals. Once I get my master's and can start practicing, I'd do both. I honestly feel that I would gain a sense of accomplishment, be fulfilled and full of joy in life by doing those things. Now, just to make a timeline and a plan...

I got into it with my mother this week. The dude that she's been dating for awhile now, much to the disgust of my brother and I, got invited to our family Christmas outing of dinner and a play. I was so hurt. Just this summer, my mother arranged for me to meet him. I declined and gave her all the's just too soon. It hurt so bad that she would just assume it was okay to have invited him without contacting me. It hurts that she would decide for herself that enough time had passed and just assume that it would be fine to bring him. It hurt that she was so insensitive. I hated that she would feel that smack dab in the middle of the first holiday season without my father would be a good time to bring a man around. I wanted to strangle her when she said that she already bought his ticket. I politely told her that I didn't care and it wasn't my problem that she didn't think to ask first. We went round and round, but she agreed to reneg on his invitation. She made me so sick talking about how nice he is, how everybody that meets him tells her not to let him go, how he makes her feel good and that's why she wanted him there. I had to give her a quick reminder that even though we're grown, my brother and I should still be top priority, and for the second time in her life, she's forgetting. Putting a man before us. I'm just glad dude's not going and I really hope my mother meant it when she told me that she wouldn't bring dude around until I told her I wanted to meet him. My brother and I agreed then that the day will never come, so she can just keep on dating him privately. I'm spending Saturday night in my hometown watching Christmas movies with my cousins and then my nephew, Damien, is spending the night with me at my mom's house. I can't wait, but I know how my mother is and I'm praying that she won't bring it up again or try to ask me to reconsider. If she insists upon bringing this dude, she'll still have wasted her money on a ticket because I will not show up.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

just funky!

I'm in a funk. 

It started yesterday, or perhaps Monday night.

That night, one of my associates and I got into it. He made the comment "that's gay" and I about lost my mind. We went round and round. Without rehashing everything that was said, I definitely told him that he was ignorant, small-minded, homophobic, and that his reasoning for his beliefs was not okay. Now, I wouldn't want anybody telling me those things...and because I am his immediate supervisor, I was a bit nervous that he may tell on me to my higher-ups for attacking his character. He was definitely wrong in the first place, but in terms of corporate policy, I'm sure we were both wrong. I don't feel nervous about the situation any longer, but I'm not that excited about seeing him anytime soon though...

I miss the Lady. The weekend we spent together was fantastic and I did not want to leave. I feel so empty. Something is missing. We were inseparable for 4 days and it hurt to come home and be by myself again. I just want to be back with her. I ask myself if some part of me likes pain, there must be something about tough long distance situations that I like since I keep doing it. I don't like the women that I meet around Indianapolis, but is there something inside me that doesn't really want a relationship? Do I not really want to deal with someone full time? Do I want somebody to talk to, somebody close to me....but not really want to put in the time, effort, and energy? Do I like missing somebody all the time? Do I like being forced to travel to spend time? Why do I keep doing this to myself? There's gotta be a reason that I keep forming these attachments to women that live 600 miles away. It hurts. "This is nothing to you, you're used to leaving," the Lady said to me as we walked back to our hotel from having lunch before my flight. I didn't agree fully, it definitely wasn't nothing to me. However, I couldn't argue with the fact that I'm used to leaving. I am. It doesn't mean that it's ever easy. Just that I've gotten used to it. It sucks each time. However, it's never lingered for three days before. I mean, I really feel awful. It's always been painful, but I guess I'm pulling up to a point where I'm not willing to keep leaving...

I'm still hurting over some of the things that happened between Shanee and I. Some of the things she said to me, some of the things that took place, the way I felt a good deal of the time. When it was good, it was good. But there were definite blocks of time in which I was not happy. And I feel weak as an individual to have withstood and put up with some of the ways she would treat me. It hit me yesterday that I haven't cried in over a month. Not a single tear. And it feels great! It doesn't feel too great though to look back and think about all the time that I did spend crying. Even though so much has gone on, it's really only been a few weeks since I ended that relationship. I was so mad at Shanee when I ended it and then immediately so happy about what was developing between the Lady and I and it's like my emotions are just now evening back out. I wouldn't go back and change a single bit of it, but it's like my emotions are flat from not having a good fight, or being hurt to the point of tears every week or so. I'm so used to sub-par treatment that I almost don't know how to act now that I'm not having to ask to be treated the way I want. I'm being treated exactly the way I always wanted to and I almost don't know how to receive it. That fact saddens me. Another fact also saddens me...that I could love somebody so much, to the point of near stupidity (it was stupid how deep for her my feelings went), and they just not feel that for me. Right or wrong, good or bad...I loved that girl more than I loved myself. And maybe it isn't her fault, but she just did not feel that for me. I was not her first priority, she easily put other people and things ahead of me. I wasn't her whole life like she was mine. I'm still trying to get over that, work through those feelings. As the anger fades away, all that's left is sadness over our relationship. And honestly, I'd rather just be's easier. 

I've been eating junk and not exercising for 9 days. It ends tomorrow. I said that yesterday. But I mean it today. Tomorrow, I will go to the grocery and get good foods again and start back at the gym. That's probably half of the problem...why do I expect to feel well when I'm trashing my body? Speaking of my body, for the past 2 days, I've also felt like there was a cold or some kind of sickness brewing. I've been really sleepy with a runny nose. I had a ticklish throat yesterday as well.

I'm sure that I will feel fine again, just give it a lil time... 

Sunday, November 8, 2009

don't come out until you've shat

"you're leavin on a jet plane..."

"if you leave, then baby i'll leave..."

"don't leave me girl, please stay with me foreverrrr..."

"i'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gonna shed no tears, i'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry cuz you ARE worth my tears..."

"you're my baby, my love my lady, all night you make want you, it drives me crazy..."

All these songs, with the lyrics all wrong, with the totally wrong meanings, were sung to me, complete with off-beat clapping, on the train as I made my way back to the airport to come back home...

It was a glorious weekend. From the moment I arrived until the moment I left...absolutely glorious. The Lady came to meet me at the airport...and the moment I saw her, my face broke out into the world's biggest smile. And it pretty much stayed. I wrapped her up into a hug and tried to not let go. 

It was so good to get to see her. I'd seen her before, but when I saw her, she was just a pretty girl that I had a crush on. I wouldn't let myself look too deeply into her eyes, I wouldn't let myself stare too closely at her body, I definitely made sure to not let any hugs linger. But to see her after feelings had been laid on the table, after all the conversation, after all the anticipation, after lusting after her for the past few was just really great to be in her presence with no holding back, no trying to act like she's not special. 

She took me to see The Lion King. It was magical. The first scene, when all the animals come down the aisles, was wondrous. I was in awe. I sat there with my eyes all lit up and a gaping smile, like a child. All I could keep saying was "this is so kooooool." There were some points at which I think I actually had goosebumps, all the songs and whatnot were way more powerful in person. And I had completely forgot that there was a death of a father in that story, so it tugged at my heart at some points, but it was an excellent experience. The Lady got us excellent seats. It meant a lot to me that out of all the plays that were running this weekend, she agreed to take me to the Lion King even though she's seen it thrice already. She said it was important to her to be with me the first time I saw it. She knew it was something to behold and she wanted to be the one to give me that experience. I like that she doesn't have a problem being sentimental and she doesn't hide it. 

Over the course of the weekend, she also showed me some other things. She took me to a Moroccan restaurant, something I've never experienced. It was excellent food. She took me to a Caribbean restaurant and I tried oxtails. I wasn't a huge fan of the oxtails, but I will definitely try them again. I told her that as long as she fries plaintains, I'll deal with any amount of oxtails. I've been to New York before, but never Brooklyn. I now see why they say that Brooklyn is the real New York. We also went to the Museum of Sex. It was fun. Informative. It really was educational and interesting...not as stimulating or saturated with excitement like I had assumed it would be. At one point, after reading an entire wall of the history of porn, I even asked "can we go ahead to the interesting parts now?" I'm glad I went though.

She showed me other things too...things far more important than any restaurant. I saw parts of her that I knew existed, but I didn't know how important they were to me. I didn't know that I would respond the way I did when I saw them. For instance, we saw some Remy Martin ads on the train...she went off. It was similar to a sociology or a social psychology class the way she picked the ads apart. Pointed out things I never would have dreamed of. Her reaction was super intense, in a good way. She completely turned me on with the passion in her voice, the emotion in her eyes. All I could do was look at her with a smirk as my insides heated up. There were similar moments when we discussed cohabitation, loved ones working in the adult film industry, the things people consider for monetary gain, relationships, just everything. She has strong opinions on a lot of things that I'm not sure I even have an opinion on. She says things that really make me think. What I love is that even though we have some completely different ways of thinking, there's never any judging or disrespect. Anyhow, I could feel myself becoming more and more attracted to her each time she revealed her thoughts to me about something. There are other things that also made me like her even more. Her sense of humor is different than mine...I'm extremely silly compared to her. But there were times when I found myself cracking up at something she'd said, or the way she said it. Just tickled, plain and simple. The best part is that she didn't know it was funny, she would just kind of smile as I rolled with me, the best humor is unintentional. She is supremely affectionate, very gentle and loving. Everything was "yes baby" or "no baby" and "whatever you want baby" or "sure baby." I eat that shit up. I love being talked to like that. She's so caring and nurturing too...looking out for me and my comfort at every turn. Serving me coffee, bringing me a donut, making sure I had plenty of q-tips...and not just when things were good. I was officially constipated for the entire weekend and after she handed me my cell phone, poured me a glass of water, and ushered me into the bathroom, she told me, "take your time sweetie and don't come out until you've shat." Another of those moments that I was dying with laughter, but also feeling warm on the inside...

Everything I wanted out of the weekend, I got. Everything I wondered about, got answered. Everything I thought, I got it confirmed. She's great. She's sweet. She's a real lady. She respects me. She let me know that there's things about me that she appreciates that I wasn't aware of. She told me previously that she hates rats and we saw one that was almost a foot long on the subway platform. She almost climbed my body trying to get away from it. I didn't wanna laugh too hard or make her feel dumb, but it was kind of comical. It was definitely gross though. Anyhow, the weekend was more than I could ask for. I came home some kind of happy. I'm extremely excited for whatever is in store for us!