Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas 2008

Christmas was different this year. For a few reasons.
1. My parents are remarried.
2. My brother has a pregnant girlfriend.

I got to Terre Haute on Christmas Eve around 7pm. I came in the house, had a sandwich, and talked with my parents. It was a decent time. I was noting all the changes to my mother's house since my father has moved back in...the island in the kitchen now has a lazy susan on it that is COVERED in medication. There's an oxygen tank in the computer room and you can hear it pumping away. Coming from said oxygen tank is a hose that attaches to my father's nosepiece...I'm getting used to that hose being drug all over the house, it inadvertently serves to identify his location throughout the house...just follow the clear tubing and you'll find Keith McGee. After awhile, I went to the restroom in my parents' bedroom, out of habit. (When my parents got divorced, I began using that bathroom in order to avoid sharing a bathroom with my brother because his hygiene and cleanliness habits leave something to be desired.) Anyway, as I was coming out of the bathroom, my father had taken a seat on the couch that it's in their bedroom. I didn't really look at him, just left the room. He hollered for me to shut the door behind I turned back to get the door, I saw an ashtray and a pack of cigarettes on the coffee table next to the couch. I did a double take, but just kept going. My mom was coming down the hall toward the bedroom and I stopped her and I asked if those were cigarettes I just saw. She ignored my question and asked me a question that I can't remember now. Just at that moment, I looked down into her open purse and saw a few more packs of cigarettes. I turned and walked into the bathroom where I began bawling. The LAST thing I expected to see was that my father still smokes and my mother assists him by purchasing the cigarettes for him. I was so mad and so sad all at the same time. My mother came in the restroom and tried to console me, but there was nothing she could have said to me. She said that my father needed to see how upset it made me. She almost literally dragged me back to the bedroom where he was sitting. She opened the door and there he sat, puffin away at a cigarette. I had to turn away. I thought I was going to throw up. I began crying so hard that I was heaving and choking. I couldn't even talk. I couldn't breathe hardly. I was shaking. My mom led me over to the couch to sit next to him. I was so worked up, I couldn't even control my hands, they kept tuggin at my jeans and my fingers were flicking up and down my thigh. I was rocking. When I finally got it under control enough to speak, anger completely took over. I snapped. I began yelling. I yanked his oxygen cord. I told him he was full of shit. I told him there was nothing he could say to me. He tried to tell me something about his heart being weak from birth and it's genetics and that smoking doesn't have anything to do with it. I jumped up off the couch and told him there ain't no way I'm listening to that shit. My mom grabbed my shoulders and spun me out of the room and led me to the couch and gave me water and rubbed my forehead. My dad came in there and threw a pack of cigarettes at me and yelled that he was done. All I could say was "okay" because it's going to be a long time before I believe that. I still am sitting here choking back tears because I can't believe it. He knows that in order for him to get on the heart transplant list, he has to be an official non-smoker for 7 months. At this rate, it won't happen. I know God is in control, but I also believe God helps those that help themselves. He isn't doing much by way of making the best out of his situation. He continues to worsen his condition. The smoking and the poor eating habits continue. I'm so distressed about it. Anyway, I calmed down and we watched tv for a bit.

I woke up today and it was my first Christmas morning without my brother being here at the house. He and Jackie came over and hung out for awhile, but they didn't stay long because they had to be at her people's house for dinner. Her lil baby bump is starting to round exciting! While they were here, we opened presents. I scored a Nike hoodie, a sweatsuit that will be returned tomorrow, and a pair of sneakers in the wrong size that will be exchanged tomorrow. Other than the short visit with them, my parents and I just baked cookies and other treats, ate, and hung out all day. As the afternoon wore down, my mother and I watched a couple movies, the Longshots (really cute) and Seven Pounds (hated it!). I miss my brother not being here for the whole day, but I kind of enjoy having my parents to myself.

I learned a lesson today. Not long ago, I was confided in by a friend. A mutual friend had opened up about his feelings for her, he really likes her and feels that she's the type of girl he could settle down and be serious with. He also has a sexual interest in another friend of mine. He texts her often...haphazardly, but often, inviting her over late at night and whatnot. It's no secret what he's after. This particular friend has grown some small feelings for him. Well...when I learned that he truly has feelings for my other friend...I told. I didn't want to sit back and watch her have sex with him or really get her feelings involved when his feelings are elsewhere. Her dumb butt went back and asked him about it. Never again. I swear I had good intentions by telling her that...I wanted her to just watch out, keep him at arm's length, and for her to truly know what he's about. She should have taken that knowledge and just used it that way. But no, for some dumb reason, she felt the need to verify it. So, even though I did what I truly felt was right, I look bad because of it. It looks like I ran my mouth...and I did, but for good reason. It looks like I can't be trusted. Well...the truth is, I can be. The lesson I learned is that I will not concern myself with anyone's business anymore. If someone wants to confide in me, they safely can. I'm not telling anyone, regardless of what they stand to lose by the knowledge I hold. I am irritated with her for feeling the need to go back and ask about it. How stupid. Did she think he was going to be honest with her about it? The answer is no because he denied it to the end. I fail to understand why she couldn't just take the knowledge and use it as a heads-up and keep her distance. I said this to her and she understood that it was senseless to have gone back and asked, but I don't think she thought it through much further than that. She doesn't see how she's made me look like a blabber mouth. Even bigger than that, the other parties involved have a lot to lose for various reasons that won't be spelled out here. And after dealing with her so closely for a few years now, I already know what type of person she is. She doesn't take criticism well. She virtually doesn't hear it when anyone points out something wrong with her. She's very self-centered and doesn't think her shit stinks. It's pretty much pointless to say anything else to her. She doesn't care. I've had a tough past couple weeks with this partiucular friend and I really feel like I see the end of our friendship in sight. She definitely has her good qualities which is why I've stuck around for so long when literally nobody else understood why. But I think we've ran our course. She frustrates me and I'm tired of her. The end of the year is approaching so it's probably time to rid myself...end that friendship as 08 ends.


Monday, December 22, 2008


I've been thinking of something for awhile now. About myself. And how I think and perceive things. About how I act. I don't know if old-fashioned is an appropriate way to describe the situation. Or if it's something else, like conservative. I just know that I have some different ideals and opinions about certain things, namely the way people operate socially. It might have something to do with the Christian upbringing I received. I'm really not sure. But I definitely have some strong opinions about some things. They stand out because I am alone in my feelings. Not many people feel the same way and it tends to cause problems, at the very least, some discussion. These things aren't on my mind constantly or anything, but certain situations arouse an intense reaction in me, so I know that I feel these ways strongly and consistently.

Before I jump into the topic at hand, I'll give some background about what I was taught growing up. My parents pretty much made it clear that as a Christian, you don't do things that give the appearance of evil. It's really sad, but I say that to people and they don't even really know what "appearance of evil" entails. So I say "you don't do things that give the appearance of something else." I believe that if something I'm doing makes me look bad or makes other people feel bad, then I ought not do it. Nine times out of ten, it isn't pleasing to God, therefore it's not worthwhile. Aside from that, I'm a firm believer in the fact that you can't go through life based on your own intentions. If other people perceive an action to be hurtful or it brings harm to others, then whatever I intended to be the result is absolutely worthless anyway. Again, not worthwhile.

This is on my mind because of an incident this past weekend. Without telling the entire story, I was invited out as part of a group. For the duration of the morning and the afternoon, I thought it was a group situation. Then it was revealed that my presence was requested in order to entertain someone so that two other people in the group could be alone and do their own thing. Suddenly, the situation became a no-no for me. I am serious about Shanee and have absolutely no desire to sit next to another chick in the movie theater. If we haven't already been friends for years, I'm not with it. I already know good and well that this person has some lapses in honesty and doesn't place too much value on her relationships, so why should I trust her to respect mine? I was instantly opposed to going and refused. I didn't feel right about it. And it would have looked bad. Yeah sure, my intentions would have been to watch the movie, but it might not have sat well with Shanee. So even if my intentions had been innocent, it probably wouldn't have looked very innocent, which would have led to hurt feelings and mistrust, ergo rendering the whole outing not worthwhile. When I expressed this sentiment, nothing much was said about it, but I have a feeling that it was laughed about later. I was probably referred to as lame. I've been described as uptight. People at my job know that I follow the rules and typically do what's right. I don't live fast or get thrills out of pushing limits. That's just not me. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't bother me. But I'm finally old enough to just suck it up "oh well." If I'm corny, then I'm corny. If I'm wack, then ok, great.

I really honestly feel that I would have felt really guilty and really wrong if I had went. I probably would have been nauseous throughout the movie and not even enjoyed myself. I would have been poor company. I feel like I did the right thing by not going. I don't know why I have these feelings so strongly, but they're undeniable. I honestly do believe that relationships, friendships, and just people in general would all fare better if more people held this way of thinking and believed this as well.

Another situation in which I was the minority in terms of how I viewed things, some friends and I were out to eat not that long ago. One friend is 24 and her sister is about 19. Somehow we got on the subject of curfews and they revealed that their father told them that they aren't to be at a boy's house past 10pm. They seemed pretty neutral about it, just kind of rolled their eyes when they mentioned it. Another friend of ours couldn't believe it, thought it was absolutely ridiculous. I totally agreed with the father. I feel like single young women don't have any business at a boy's house late at night. If there's a party going on or it's several young couples hanging out, that's one thing. But for one girl to be there with one's not necessary. A young lady doesn't need to be seen coming out of a boy's house late at night. True, it's no one's business what she was doing over there....but again, it simply looks bad. The way my parents raised me, you just avoid those types of things. These two girls were raised very similar to the way I was and they agreed with me. They were still annoyed, but understood it and respected their father's wishes.

I definitely realize that I've only felt this way since I was about 23 or so...I definitely respect a lot more of what my parents taught me. When I was 18, I wasn't hearing any of it. I guess what they say is true, that the words your parents speak to you will forever be with you. I definitely see the benefit of it. Life would be a whole lot more simplified if more people held these sentiments closer to their hearts and lived in such a way that was worthwhile.