Tuesday, July 28, 2009


Again, I find myself wishing I had more/better friends. I feel really pathetic, but I honestly don't know where or how to meet any. I've befriended all of my coworkers that I care to. Other than that...I'm kind of clueless. The night I hung out with my friend from a couple posts ago (the one that mistakenly thought I wanted more than friendship), I met a bunch of her friends and they were all really kool. But I doubt I'll be invited back because my presumptuous friend that I had to set straight has not contacted me since. 

I was hanging out at Starbucks this afternoon, reading a book. There was this lady there reading what looked to be a self-help or coping book entitled "Suddenly Single." She was sitting alone. The coffee shop was not at all crowded, there were plenty of both tables and stuffed armchairs. But this man walked over to her and was like "do you mind if I join you?" He sat down with her and they chatted for the next hour. I was struck by the simplicity, and the sweetness of the situation. I left before they did, but I really hope they exchanged numbers and whatnot. I really like the rare occasions that I witness those types of things.

I went and saw Orphan this evening. Good movie with a crazy twist. I have a degree in psychology, but that was some other type of crazy. It was interesting.

Monday, July 27, 2009

parental issues...

I just got back in town a little while ago. I went home Saturday evening after I got off work. I just hadn't seen the baby or the rest of the family in about 4 weeks, so it was past due time to pay 'em a visit .

I just realized that I haven't posted a single picture of the baby yet. It just so happens that each time I'm there with my actual camera, there is something stopping me from taking his picture. He used to be so deathly afraid of the flash that I could never get a good one, plus it would have been evil to keep trying. And now that he's a little older, I'd bet that he could stand it a little better, but he just got his first round of shots on Friday, so he was feverish and fussy all weekend. I didn't want to press my luck, he was barely letting me hold him in the first place. He showed a definite preference for his parents, which is good and natural, I suppose.

My mother and I fought this afternoon. Because she's dating someone. I've been aware of this man's presence in her life for about a month and a half now. She's grieving the death of my father and he's freshly divorced after an abusive relationship (his ex-wife beat him like he was a ragdoll and he finally left her). She said their friendship is of benefit to them both because they help and encourage one another through their loss. I didn't really pay it any mind. Until she began to talk about him often...asking her friends what they thought about him....he sends her [childish] poetry in the mail...she told me that they went to a park in another town so that they could hold hands without starting rumors around town....at that point, I told her that she needs to drop the facade. It's not just a friendship. All the signs point to something else. She told me that they're friends and that's it. I got mad and left the house and came back to Indy. That was about 4 weeks ago. So today, she asked me to accompany her to dinner over at my uncle's house. My uncle used to be a chef, and his cooking is the bomb, so I was excited. Then she said that her "friend" was coming. I had mixed feelings about it and then ultimately decided that I didn't want to go. She saw me sitting on the couch, still in my pajamas, and asked me why I wasn't dressed. I told her that I wasn't going. She wanted to know why. So I explained to her that I wasn't comfortable with it. My dad hasn't even been gone 6 months and she's dating someone else. I told her that if he makes her happy and is helping her heal and whatnot, then she should do whatever makes her content, but I just am not ready to sit down to dinner with him, or get to know him, or anything along those lines. She said she could respect that, but she didn't stop there. She said that it's nice having someone that calls her multiple times a day and asks how she's doing...and she said "you and your brother don't call me everyday...you don't call me every other day....it's nice knowing that someone is thinking about me and checking on me." I didn't snap, but I was burnt the hell up. She's dating someone because I don't call?? Last I checked, she's the parent...she's correct in feeling like I should call her more than I do, but she should be calling me too. We went back and forth about it and I made a remark that I probably shouldn't have. She said that she never intended for my brother or I to know about this man this soon but that she didn't want to lie. I asked her why she wanted to keep him a secret if she isn't doing anything wrong. She said she wanted to spare our feelings. I said "When I was 15 years old and you were having an affair and I tried to talk to you about it, you didn't care about my feelings, so why are you trying to save feelings now?" She got up and left the room. (The exact same thing she did when I was 15 and would ask her why she's wrecking homes.) And just like she used to do then, she would go in her bedroom and shut the door and think of something to say, and then come back to wherever I was at, and try to continue the discussion. It used to piss me completely off...I thought it weak to flee just because someone says something you don't like. The feeling was the exact same today. She came back in the room wanting to keep talking. I apologized for bringing up the past and she offered to cancel her plans. I told her she didn't have to, she should go ahead and go. So she went on. 

I don't want my mother to be unhappy and perhaps I was selfish today for the things I said and electing to not go to dinner. However, I feel that she was also selfish...why on Earth would she think it's a good idea to be dating someone this soon? If she didn't have any children, it might be different. But to ask my brother and I to sit down to dinner with this man is very insensitive and kind of disrespectful to our feelings. 

I love my parents but really hate some of the things they've done. All of the affairs that my father had, he disrespected the hell out of my mother while he was alive. Even when they got back married 4 months before he died, he was still looking her in the eye and telling bold-faced lies. I kind of feel like she's disrespecting him as well as my brother and I by dating someone so soon....but at the same time, she's really not. I was very very angry with my mother and still have a lot of issues with her because of the affair that she had when I was in high school. I blame both of my parents for my brother and I's tendency to separate love and sex. We're both fortunate enough to be in relationships right now where we actually love the person we're having sex with. But we have definitely seen and grown up with the example that you love one person and you have sex with others. That isn't how I want my life to be, but I feel that we each have it honest. I've shared this with Shanee before, when we first began liking each other...and she trusted me enough to enter a relationship with me anyhow, knowing that I come from scandalous parents. I'm glad that she trusts me and knows that I strive to do better and to be better. 

Time for bed...

Friday, July 24, 2009

make your nipples jump

I noticed something today. Well, it's safe to say that I've been becoming more and more aware of it, but this evening, it really showed. I only have about 5 friends. And I mean friends. Friends that I can talk to about whatever. Friends that I can truly be myself around. Friends that I can speak my mind to and they still like me. Friends that don't work the hell out of my nerves. Friends that have similar values and beliefs as me. Friends that have equal amounts of money or more (call me shallow if you will, but this makes a difference in a friendship...I'm not ballin by any means and I don't present myself to be some sort of high roller or big spender....but it annoys the hell out of me when people consistently don't have enough money to go see a movie or grab appetizers or even just go to starbucks.) I've got a phone full of numbers to acquaintances that get on my nerves, I already know they don't have any money to go out, or just for some reason or another I'm opposed to inviting them somewhere (they wouldn't enjoy the activity or atmosphere, I'm shitty about something they've said or done recently, they're working..). Anyhow, it leaves me with slim-pickings when I want to do social activities. And this evening, one of my closest friends made a real shitty move...we were leaving work and were talking about doing something. I told her I had to work out first, and we agreed for me to hit her up when I left the gym. I got home and as I was changing clothes, I remembered that there was going to be a black comedian at the comedy club tonight and so I asked her if she wanted to go. Her response was, "I just made plans wit courtney." Oh. Not "me and courtney are gonna grab dinner, join us when you're done." Nothing like that. She basically shit in my face. We agreed to hang out...no definite plans or anything, very loose....but in agreement nontheless. And then not even 30 minutes later, she made plans with somebody else...and didn't invite me. I texted back "oh okay...so nevermind about hittin you up when i'm done working out?" She was like "we'll be at dinner at the time the comedy show starts, and I didn't plan to do anything until later." OKay. So I texted to ask her what she wanted to do and she didn't respond. I'm wondering if she isn't mad or turned off by what I said earlier. I told her that what she wants in a mate is very hard to come by. She wants a black man who makes a lot of money who is going to let her not work and stay home with kids, she wants to have a big house and drive nice cars and take nice trips, and of course she expects him not to lie, sneak, creep, or do any of the other bullshit that people do in relationships. I told her it's damn near impossible. She got mad, said she has faith, and told me she's surprised that I would say that. One of our coworkers chimed in and said that statistically speaking, it's really not going to happen. She was all in a huff, saying she can't believe that I would say that. I told her "you're so quick to quote statistics for everything else, why don't you believe this one?" She was not happy. I wasn't trying to dash her hopes and dreams, but in the past week alone, she has stated 4 times that she's going to marry rich and not have to worry about anything ever again. So I decided that today, I wasn't going to listen to that bullshit anymore. Anyhow, once she nullified our plans, I went ahead and asked my other 4 friends and they were out of town, had class, needed to go to bed super early because they work super early, and wouldn't be off work in time. I love my 5 friends, but I obviously need to expand my circle...

Anyhow, all my time spent at the gym is paying off. I work out about 10 hours a week and I'm beginning to reap the benefits. In addition to dropping pounds, my muscles are really developing. My pecs are strong enough to make my breasts bounce when I flex! I used to think it was soooo kool when my dad would do it when I was young. Anytime I saw him with no shirt on, which was almost daily, I would ask him to "make his nipples jump." Of course, he never said no. I'm so pumped that I can do it too now! Though I'm loving my muscles, my knees are taking a beating. I'm still too heavy to truly be running. The treadmill is fucking me up. I get to a quarter of a mile and feel like my shins are about to separate from my knees. And my knees have been locking up anytime they're stuck in one position, like if I squat down for any length of time. Obviously, I should just stick to the elliptical until I'm much lighter and my knees won't have to take such a hit when I run. But I want to push myself to fight through the discomfort and actually reach a mile. Then start doing it faster...

More tomorrow...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I guess I seemed too pressed...

I was told yesterday that I wasn't attractive. I'm not her type. Too masculine.

I had to QUICKLY let this bxtch know that I DO NOT WANT HER.

Do not EVER mistake my friendship for flirtation.

Needless to say, I'm kind of salty...

We have a good time hanging out, we can talk, and she's funny as hell...

isn't it only natural that I would hit her up and wanna hang out?

I guess inviting her to hang out 3 days in a row was my downfall...

perhaps it masked my true intentions?


Or she's the type that thinks everyone wants her.

Whatever was on her mind...

I set her on the right path.

"I'm not trying to "talk" to you or date you, I hope that isn't what you were thinking."

There was no response.

Appropriately enough.

Unless she's waiting two days again.

That honestly might be the end of a friendship. 

How can I be friends with a person if I can't even invite them to hang out without being accused of liking them?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

stretchin and diggin...

My four-day break from work ends tomorrow. It went way too fast. I have definitely enjoyed not being there. I have a feeling that I am going to dread it tomorrow. I also know for fact that I am going to walk into a huge mess and have to spend the shift fixing things and putting things back in order. Not impressive. The reason I know for fact that it's going to be like that is because I received a text message early Saturday from one of my associates telling me that there was a major problem and she would like for me to call the lab. So I called and she told me that there was a paper jam. A paper jam. A PAPER JAM. I took a deep breath and explained in as nice of a voice as possible to clear the jam, inspect the printer for what may have caused the jam, and continue printing. Told her that if she can't solve it, then call a technician. I would never dream of contacting my supervisor on her day off to alert her about a paper jam. I was beyond annoyed. I regretted making my phone number available to my associates. Freaking out over a paper jam like that. 

Yesterday my friend Lindsey had a graduation open house. Kind of late in the season, but it's never a bad time to throw a party and collect monetary gifts! It was a nice afternoon....lots of good food, pretty decent company and conversation. It was supposed to turn into a real party once the sun went down, but it never really happened. She had hired a DJ and everything...and it was only about 10 people. We still had a good time though, but I could tell she was disappointed by the low turn out. And I'm pretty sure her feelings were hurt by the several people who told her that they were coming and then never showed. I got a text today from her thanking me for coming and staying the entire time. She said she appreciated me and it meant a lot to her that I was there. It made me really glad to have gone and stayed. I guess it just shows that the simplest actions can have an impact...all I did was sit there and eat about 13 times and talk shit about the other guests.

Shanee has a knack for making me feel like crap. She honestly doesn't do it on purpose, but sometimes it stings. This morning, I asked her if she behaved last night at the club since she didn't get home til damn near 5am. Her response was, "I always behave, it's you who's bad." When she makes comments like that, it honestly makes me regret a lot of things I've done. 

My appetite has been off the hook today. Just constant hunger and the urge to eat. I'm not sure why. Perhaps boredom had something to do with it. I know I started the day off completely wrong because I didn't eat until almost 2pm. Then I ate again at 5ish. And I've had two snacks since. Tomorrow has to be more balanced and on track. 

I'm really stretchin for some shit to write about...I guess I should just stop now.

I don't have anything to read at all. Any suggestions?

Friday, July 17, 2009

a boring friday..

I just got home from seeing Bruno. 

That movie was partly hilarious. Mostly just offensive as hell. Some parts, I would have died laughing had I been watching it at home...but some of the things just weren't appropriate to be laughing at in public. Like treating Mexicans like furniture...

I think I ate too much popcorn. I'm officially nauseous.

I'm also extremely bored. It's one of those nights where there is nothing to do. I'm not really in the mood for a straight club. The black gay club is really only good on Thursdays and Saturdays. I went to a house party Wednesday night and it was a blast...I'm in the mood for something similar. I'd settle for going out, but nobody is doing anything. I used to go to the club by myself all the time with no problem, but that just doesn't seem like something I wanna do tonight. I done flipped through my cell phone from A to Z about twice and ain't nobody talkin about shit. It always happens this way...if I was feeling tired or content to be at home, there would be all sorts of shit going on. But on the one night that I'm really pressed about not being inside alone, there is absolutely nothing to do. 

The past couple days, I've been pretty serious about thinking honestly about what it is that I wanna do with my life and career. It's time to put something in motion. Get on the ball. I've wasted enough time. I've relaxed, I've enjoyed myself. It's time to rejoin the productive members of society. I don't want to just collect a paycheck anymore. I need to do something that requires a lil brain power...

I'm thinkin a Master's degree in community counseling with a Mental Health concentration would set me on the right path. I'm not interested in administration, research (i actually hate research), or education so a PhD isn't necessary. Plus, I can always get it at a later date. Right now, I just want to get licensed and practice. So I'm gathering materials from schools in Chicago and in the DC/Maryland area. Shanee is in the interview process for a pretty decent job out in DC...so that would be kool to go to skool out there. And I fell back in love with Chicago over 4th of July weekend, so that's why I am looking there. Shanee loved Chicago too, we could each see ourselves living there, and it's close to my family. But on the other hand, I've really enjoyed DC each time I've been and Shanee loves it too. So I think we'd be content either place. All I know is that whatever we decide to do, there must be something in it that is for me. A few months ago, a close friend of mine pretty much set her whole life aside, quit a really decent job, and moved away from all her family and friends in order to pursue a relationship. She isn't very happy anymore and is just waiting it out to see if it gets any better. I feel really bad for her. I admired what she did...really romantic to just take that kind of chance on love. But it has made me very certain that I cannot do that. If I move anywhere, I will be attending school and living separate from Shanee. We have to see if our relationship can exist normally. With us just living in the same city and seeing one another throughout the week, like normal couples. I can't go from only seeing her once every couple months to living with her. I feel like we might kill each other. We need to live in the same city for awhile first. If I see her 3 or 4 times a week for a year and we still like each other, then I'd be comfortable taking that next step of getting a place together. She agrees. Even though it's cheaper to just live together, we both know that the money saved wouldn't be worth testin our relationship like that. 

I haven't been home in 3 weeks and my mom made me really homesick today. She was telling me all about Damien and how he can completely hold his head up now and how he's super smiley and laughs a lot. She said that he's growing and changing really fast. Said that he's basically a whole different baby than when I last saw him. You can actually bounce him and play with him now. She babysat the other day and was reading books to him and he actually looks at the pictures and talks back. She said he started looking at her crazy when she tried to read a book written in Spanish. His mom speaks Spanish and French fluently, so she talks to him and reads to him in all three languages....and my mom is just so impressed that he can actually tell at 2 months that it isn't being done correctly. She has studied just as much child development as I have, so she should know that babies are masters at language acquisition. For that reason, I suggested that she not try and read any more Spanish to him...let's avoid him acquiring it dead wrong!

Everything turned out in my favor at work. We didn't even get the visit from any of the big wigs from corporate office. And I was out of hours by 1pm on Wednesday. So I didn't work Thursday, I didn't work Friday, and I don't have to go back until Monday. I should start scheduling myself like that on purpose...this little mini vacation has been awesome. I think I sleep so much better at night when I can drift off to sleep knowing that I have absolutely no obligations the next morning. When I wake up is when I wake up. 

On Friday mornings, I've started goin to this workout class called Boot Camp. It's pure torture. A good-ass workout though. My trainer is the instructor for it and she encouraged me to come, so I started going. Today, she was filming us as she put us through the courses...first time I've ever made it a point to smile as I run sprints lol. 

Nothin else is really going on...and I'm beginning to feel a bit sleepy. I guess I should just go to sleep. Idle hands and an idle mind on a lonesome Friday night have the potential to be very troublesome...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Dry Clean Only

I am bored.

I'm pretty tired, but not really ready to go to bed just yet. What should have been an 8 hour shift today at work turned into 13 hours. I spent the first 4 using a shop vac and cleaning all the dirt and dust from behind and underneath the cash registers. It was disgusting. There was dust bunnies, money, receipt tape, all sorts of shit up underneath the drawers. It was unreal. Then all the supervisors got called into the training room to put together binders of all the reports we would need to be able to reference. Basically what it comes down to is that there are about a trillion things that we should be doing each week that have never been mentioned before. Since we're having such important visitors on Tuesday, today was the day to try and bring us up to speed. It was supremely frustrating. There is absolutely no reason for us to not have already known about these things. It's like cramming for an exam. They (the managers) made us sit there for like 2 and a half hours while they explained what each report was, its importance, how to read it, and whatnot. Then they rehearsed answers with us to questions that they were certain would be asked. No one really said much...we just scurried to get the reports hole-punched and put in our binders in their proper order. Finally, I asked why we were suddenly doing this. I asked why the COO of the entire corporation would announce his arrival because he knows good and well that we're preparing. I asked why we hadn't needed these reports at any time before. Another supervisor spoke up and said that she didn't mind doing the work, keeping the reports in a binder wasn't a big deal (they were actually quite informative!), and she let them know that we don't appreciate suddenly being sat down for a whole afternoon and having it sprung on us. What really set it off was one of the managers told us that tomorrow, no matter what time we are scheduled, we are to arrive no later than 9. We're to work in our departments for the morning and to have all lunch breaks out of the way by 12. There is going to be another "dress rehearsal" type meeting at 12:30, and then we're supposed to spend the rest of the afternoon studying our reports. Absolutely ridiculous. When voices began to be raised, the manager turned red in the face and blurted out "I have failed you all as a manager, and I was failed by my manager!" We were just kind of quiet after that. It was a bit satisfying to hear the honest truth. 

After work, I went out to eat with a friend. We tried to figure something out to do afterward, but she wasn't interested in the movies or going to a drag show (the only two low-cost things I could think of for Sunday night). So we just decided to go our separate ways. That leaves me home...with nothing to do. Since Shanee's departure, I've been a little depressive. I had not 5 minutes to myself for the past 3 weeks...and now that I'm totally alone, I feel empty and sad. I'm sure it will pass and I'll be feeling back to normal soon, back to myself and enjoying my quiet time to just be alone with my thoughts.  

I was told today at work that I look like I could be Dominican. I asked what that meant and the girl just giggled and said that my skin tone is that of a Dominican. I wasn't sure what the appropriate response would have been, so I just kind of smiled. I don't think I've ever seen a Dominican before. This particular young lady is Mexican, is gay, and recently has began talking to me at work. Nothing extra, just asking about my weekends, seeing what kind of stuff I'm into, extra smiley. Is it possible for someone to flirt with flirtation?! The way she talks to me borders on flirtation, but somethin about it is still just cordial and friendly. It's kind of hard to describe. 

One good thing about my horrible trip to Philly in March was that on one of the shopping trips that Shanee insisted on, I found a shirt that I just knew was going to be my favorite shirt of the season. It's a white LRG polo that says "Summer of Mad Love" on it. The main colors are red and carolina blue, but it's got every color in it...and I was right...it's my favorite shirt of the season. So, imagine my disappointment when I went to throw it in the washer and looked at the care tag to find that it's dry clean only. What a blow. 

While Shanee was here, she cooked several meals. I'm not sure how she cooks at home, but she somehow or another ended up putting a whole bunch of fat that she cut from some steaks down the drain. It completely ruined my garbage disposal and the sink drains really slow now...and there's a smell. We cleared it and I've dumped a ton of bleach down there, but to no avail. And I keep on forgetting to turn in a work order to have maintenance come and fix it. I know that she wouldn't sabotage my kitchen like that on purpose, but I cannot for the life of me understand how it all ended up in there without her realizing it...she pulled it all back out, but the damage had already been done and I'm left to deal with it further. So not impressive. Hopefully I'll remember to get it fixed tomorrow.

Sleep is about to take over...

Bummed Out

Well, I made it through the day. I'm about to go to bed, I stupidly agreed to work at 5am. We've got the COO of the corporation coming for a visit on Tuesday. That means we all scurry and clean in a panic. Clean things that have never been cleaned before. Suddenly appearance standards are elevated by a thousand. Tension is running high. All the managers have attitudes. But it's kool. I'm going to work tomorrow on my day off, I get to wear basketball shorts, and then I plan to play it in my favor so that by Wednesday or so I'll be out of hours and just can't come to work on Thursday. That's my plan at least. Hopefully it works out that way.

Even though I made it through the day, I have felt pretty down and out yesterday and today. I hope that tomorrow I can shake it off and feel good again. I just feel empty. Nothing really matters. Blah, whatever. 

One thing to smile about for sure is that I got my apartment back in order this evening. I love Shanee to death, but damn can she trash an apartment. I don't mean she was up in here being triflin at all, just that we got back from our trip and she unpacked all of our stuff all over the floor and all over the furniture and my apartment is tiny to begin with...so just two people's clothes can truly wreck the place. Other things were out of place as well...just 3 weeks worth of straight chillin can take a toll on an apartment as well...water bottles gettin kicked under the bed, candy wrappers in odd places, I bought a macbook so all the contents and manuals and whatnot laying around, I haven't truly opened any mail since early June...just things like that. It's not really Shanee herself, it's me not doing anything else when she's around. I ignore life when I get around her. We were swimming when Michael Jackson died. Some drunk chick jumped out of her lounge chair and screamed at the top of her lungs "Michael Jackson died!" and I giggled as she threw her arms in the air in shock and almost dropped her blackberry and her belly kind of shook. I was just kind of like "really? so babe, what do you wanna eat for dinner?" I truly do ignore the rest of the world when she's around. It's probably not a good thing and I know it won't always be like that. So a combination of her being mildly messy, plus me not doing anything that doesn't involve being directly in her face...it's the perfect mix for a fucked-up apartment.

Friday, July 10, 2009

I'm still alive...

Well, let's see if I can breathe some life into this here blog...

A lot has taken place in the month since I wrote anything.

Most notable...Shanee came! She got here June 22 and left today. Not as long of a visit as I'd hoped for and we'd planned, but it's what's best. She needs to work and she grew bored alone in my apartment each day. I did not take vacation time during her visit because I want to save my vacation time for my birthday, for Atlanta pride, and Christmas. I don't think Shanee minded that I didn't take days off work strictly to hang out with her, but she did kind of make me feel guilty for leaving her alone in my apartment for 8 hours each day. Anyhow, we had a good visit. We spent some time really doing some face-to-face talking...it was needed. We resolved some things and are on a better track. We spent some time with my family...it was nice. I was every bit the proud auntie when I got to introduce her to Damien. Too bad he acted like a stinker one of the nights we went to see him. He screamed and cried like never before. We went to Chicago for the 4th of July weekend. It was sooo much fun. We had a blast. I messed up my diet horribly...we ate so good. Highlight of the Chicago weekend: meeting Desiree! We met up with her on a street corner and she came with us to the Taste for a lil while. It was really good to finally get to meet someone that I've interacted with online for 2 years. I was commenting to Shanee after we parted ways that she was every bit as talkative, genuine, warm, and fun as I'd figured. I now have new reasons to go up to Chicago when I get a few spare days in a row! Much to Shanee's chagrin, I shopped my ass off. I was a mad woman on Michigan Avenue. I bought some athletic clothing, a bunch of puma socks, a polo, some fragrance, and some other things. The funny thing about the fragrance is that it's ck one. I wore ck one in 6th grade. How funny that 13 years later, I decide to wear it again. All in all, it was a great time.

Today has been kind of tough...Shanee left and I'm anticipating tomorrow. Tomorrow is my father's birthday. Tomorrow is also the anniversary of the day my parents got married the first time. July 11th will always and forever be a sad-ass date for my family. I don't know if my mother plans to work or not, but I already know that she will be deeply sad tomorrow, if she isn't already. I honestly don't even know what to say to her. I know that I should call her and acknowledge the significance of the day, but I don't have any words to comfort her.

My job is still just work. Some drama has ensued. I now officially cannot text or tweet or do anything on my cell phone while on the clock. One of my associates was a no-call, no-show one day. So I wrote her up. She didn't agree and sent a letter to the district manager of personnel. It was investigated. I was right, she was wrong. The write-up stood. She got mad and wrote a letter of resignation to the managers and quit. The letter was intense! She was gunnin for me like no one ever has. Said she didn't respect me, I'm a poor leader, she can't work for me any longer, it was obvious that I didn't want her in my department by the way I threw her under the bus, I was never around, I didn't train her properly, I spent my whole day texting and on my cell phone, on and on and on. Anyhow, because of that...I really have to be on my shit. My manager pulled me aside and said that anytime someone has that strong of an opinion, it typically gets looked into. They can't ignore such a strong letter...even though it's obvious that she's just very disgruntled because she got wrote up...she didn't have any complaints until disciplinary action was taken. I decided to take her accusations as constructive criticism...I made the decision to not even touch my phone unless I am on break and I basically just stepped my game up overall. Everything in her letter, I've just made a conscious effort to really pay attention to. I'm not sure if it ever really got looked into very far, but the general manager made a comment to me about them having me on camera going to the restroom a lot...but I'm not sure how serious she was. The comment came after I submitted a complaint about the water cooler always being out of order. She laughed and told me that I don't need the water cooler anyhow because they have me on camera going to the bathroom an awful lot. I kind of got the hint that they were watching tapes to see what all I'd been doing...nothing else has been said to me though, so I'm guessing they didn't find anything worth firing me over. 

This situation has kind of lit a little fire under me. I enjoy working at Sam's for right now because I set my own schedule, I get paid a decent wage, I do very little work, and it's easy work. Life is very simple there. When I clock out at the end of the day, that's it. There is nothing about that job that I have to think about at home or work on at the crib or anything. I just do my shift and it's over. I like that. But I know that I'm supposed to do way better than that. I have skills that are not being used at all. I have more talents than it takes to print and package some photos. I'm not functioning at my fullest potential. And I guess I haven't for the past 2 years. When I first graduated college, it was kool to just work part time and spend the rest of my time traveling to go see Shanee and just hanging out with friends and playin around and doing whatever else sounded kool at the moment. I loved having all the time in the world to just read, write, and do whatever I wanted. After I became supervisor of my department, the rest of life got a little stressful. My father's health was up and down, Shanee and I were up and down, I began to really hate my living situation...a job with zero stress and zero influence on my personal life was what I needed. I needed to just do my simple hours and go home. But now I'm officially at the point of really not being satisfied. I want something new. And I'm tired of retail. I'm tired of dealing with customers who think they are always right. I'm tired of being micromanaged. I'm tired of standing all day. I don't want the same back problems that everybody at my job has. Walking on straight concrete for 40 hours a week will fuck your body up. I'm ready to have a desk and actually deal with clients and patients that truly need my services, not just people who expect their pictures in 20 minutes. I'd really like to go back to school in the next 2 years or so, but in what city?

I'm sure I'm missing something that's blog-worthy, but oh well...I'm tired.

Anyone heard from the brown girl..??