Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas 2008

Christmas was different this year. For a few reasons.
1. My parents are remarried.
2. My brother has a pregnant girlfriend.

I got to Terre Haute on Christmas Eve around 7pm. I came in the house, had a sandwich, and talked with my parents. It was a decent time. I was noting all the changes to my mother's house since my father has moved back in...the island in the kitchen now has a lazy susan on it that is COVERED in medication. There's an oxygen tank in the computer room and you can hear it pumping away. Coming from said oxygen tank is a hose that attaches to my father's nosepiece...I'm getting used to that hose being drug all over the house, it inadvertently serves to identify his location throughout the house...just follow the clear tubing and you'll find Keith McGee. After awhile, I went to the restroom in my parents' bedroom, out of habit. (When my parents got divorced, I began using that bathroom in order to avoid sharing a bathroom with my brother because his hygiene and cleanliness habits leave something to be desired.) Anyway, as I was coming out of the bathroom, my father had taken a seat on the couch that it's in their bedroom. I didn't really look at him, just left the room. He hollered for me to shut the door behind I turned back to get the door, I saw an ashtray and a pack of cigarettes on the coffee table next to the couch. I did a double take, but just kept going. My mom was coming down the hall toward the bedroom and I stopped her and I asked if those were cigarettes I just saw. She ignored my question and asked me a question that I can't remember now. Just at that moment, I looked down into her open purse and saw a few more packs of cigarettes. I turned and walked into the bathroom where I began bawling. The LAST thing I expected to see was that my father still smokes and my mother assists him by purchasing the cigarettes for him. I was so mad and so sad all at the same time. My mother came in the restroom and tried to console me, but there was nothing she could have said to me. She said that my father needed to see how upset it made me. She almost literally dragged me back to the bedroom where he was sitting. She opened the door and there he sat, puffin away at a cigarette. I had to turn away. I thought I was going to throw up. I began crying so hard that I was heaving and choking. I couldn't even talk. I couldn't breathe hardly. I was shaking. My mom led me over to the couch to sit next to him. I was so worked up, I couldn't even control my hands, they kept tuggin at my jeans and my fingers were flicking up and down my thigh. I was rocking. When I finally got it under control enough to speak, anger completely took over. I snapped. I began yelling. I yanked his oxygen cord. I told him he was full of shit. I told him there was nothing he could say to me. He tried to tell me something about his heart being weak from birth and it's genetics and that smoking doesn't have anything to do with it. I jumped up off the couch and told him there ain't no way I'm listening to that shit. My mom grabbed my shoulders and spun me out of the room and led me to the couch and gave me water and rubbed my forehead. My dad came in there and threw a pack of cigarettes at me and yelled that he was done. All I could say was "okay" because it's going to be a long time before I believe that. I still am sitting here choking back tears because I can't believe it. He knows that in order for him to get on the heart transplant list, he has to be an official non-smoker for 7 months. At this rate, it won't happen. I know God is in control, but I also believe God helps those that help themselves. He isn't doing much by way of making the best out of his situation. He continues to worsen his condition. The smoking and the poor eating habits continue. I'm so distressed about it. Anyway, I calmed down and we watched tv for a bit.

I woke up today and it was my first Christmas morning without my brother being here at the house. He and Jackie came over and hung out for awhile, but they didn't stay long because they had to be at her people's house for dinner. Her lil baby bump is starting to round exciting! While they were here, we opened presents. I scored a Nike hoodie, a sweatsuit that will be returned tomorrow, and a pair of sneakers in the wrong size that will be exchanged tomorrow. Other than the short visit with them, my parents and I just baked cookies and other treats, ate, and hung out all day. As the afternoon wore down, my mother and I watched a couple movies, the Longshots (really cute) and Seven Pounds (hated it!). I miss my brother not being here for the whole day, but I kind of enjoy having my parents to myself.

I learned a lesson today. Not long ago, I was confided in by a friend. A mutual friend had opened up about his feelings for her, he really likes her and feels that she's the type of girl he could settle down and be serious with. He also has a sexual interest in another friend of mine. He texts her often...haphazardly, but often, inviting her over late at night and whatnot. It's no secret what he's after. This particular friend has grown some small feelings for him. Well...when I learned that he truly has feelings for my other friend...I told. I didn't want to sit back and watch her have sex with him or really get her feelings involved when his feelings are elsewhere. Her dumb butt went back and asked him about it. Never again. I swear I had good intentions by telling her that...I wanted her to just watch out, keep him at arm's length, and for her to truly know what he's about. She should have taken that knowledge and just used it that way. But no, for some dumb reason, she felt the need to verify it. So, even though I did what I truly felt was right, I look bad because of it. It looks like I ran my mouth...and I did, but for good reason. It looks like I can't be trusted. Well...the truth is, I can be. The lesson I learned is that I will not concern myself with anyone's business anymore. If someone wants to confide in me, they safely can. I'm not telling anyone, regardless of what they stand to lose by the knowledge I hold. I am irritated with her for feeling the need to go back and ask about it. How stupid. Did she think he was going to be honest with her about it? The answer is no because he denied it to the end. I fail to understand why she couldn't just take the knowledge and use it as a heads-up and keep her distance. I said this to her and she understood that it was senseless to have gone back and asked, but I don't think she thought it through much further than that. She doesn't see how she's made me look like a blabber mouth. Even bigger than that, the other parties involved have a lot to lose for various reasons that won't be spelled out here. And after dealing with her so closely for a few years now, I already know what type of person she is. She doesn't take criticism well. She virtually doesn't hear it when anyone points out something wrong with her. She's very self-centered and doesn't think her shit stinks. It's pretty much pointless to say anything else to her. She doesn't care. I've had a tough past couple weeks with this partiucular friend and I really feel like I see the end of our friendship in sight. She definitely has her good qualities which is why I've stuck around for so long when literally nobody else understood why. But I think we've ran our course. She frustrates me and I'm tired of her. The end of the year is approaching so it's probably time to rid myself...end that friendship as 08 ends.


Monday, December 22, 2008


I've been thinking of something for awhile now. About myself. And how I think and perceive things. About how I act. I don't know if old-fashioned is an appropriate way to describe the situation. Or if it's something else, like conservative. I just know that I have some different ideals and opinions about certain things, namely the way people operate socially. It might have something to do with the Christian upbringing I received. I'm really not sure. But I definitely have some strong opinions about some things. They stand out because I am alone in my feelings. Not many people feel the same way and it tends to cause problems, at the very least, some discussion. These things aren't on my mind constantly or anything, but certain situations arouse an intense reaction in me, so I know that I feel these ways strongly and consistently.

Before I jump into the topic at hand, I'll give some background about what I was taught growing up. My parents pretty much made it clear that as a Christian, you don't do things that give the appearance of evil. It's really sad, but I say that to people and they don't even really know what "appearance of evil" entails. So I say "you don't do things that give the appearance of something else." I believe that if something I'm doing makes me look bad or makes other people feel bad, then I ought not do it. Nine times out of ten, it isn't pleasing to God, therefore it's not worthwhile. Aside from that, I'm a firm believer in the fact that you can't go through life based on your own intentions. If other people perceive an action to be hurtful or it brings harm to others, then whatever I intended to be the result is absolutely worthless anyway. Again, not worthwhile.

This is on my mind because of an incident this past weekend. Without telling the entire story, I was invited out as part of a group. For the duration of the morning and the afternoon, I thought it was a group situation. Then it was revealed that my presence was requested in order to entertain someone so that two other people in the group could be alone and do their own thing. Suddenly, the situation became a no-no for me. I am serious about Shanee and have absolutely no desire to sit next to another chick in the movie theater. If we haven't already been friends for years, I'm not with it. I already know good and well that this person has some lapses in honesty and doesn't place too much value on her relationships, so why should I trust her to respect mine? I was instantly opposed to going and refused. I didn't feel right about it. And it would have looked bad. Yeah sure, my intentions would have been to watch the movie, but it might not have sat well with Shanee. So even if my intentions had been innocent, it probably wouldn't have looked very innocent, which would have led to hurt feelings and mistrust, ergo rendering the whole outing not worthwhile. When I expressed this sentiment, nothing much was said about it, but I have a feeling that it was laughed about later. I was probably referred to as lame. I've been described as uptight. People at my job know that I follow the rules and typically do what's right. I don't live fast or get thrills out of pushing limits. That's just not me. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't bother me. But I'm finally old enough to just suck it up "oh well." If I'm corny, then I'm corny. If I'm wack, then ok, great.

I really honestly feel that I would have felt really guilty and really wrong if I had went. I probably would have been nauseous throughout the movie and not even enjoyed myself. I would have been poor company. I feel like I did the right thing by not going. I don't know why I have these feelings so strongly, but they're undeniable. I honestly do believe that relationships, friendships, and just people in general would all fare better if more people held this way of thinking and believed this as well.

Another situation in which I was the minority in terms of how I viewed things, some friends and I were out to eat not that long ago. One friend is 24 and her sister is about 19. Somehow we got on the subject of curfews and they revealed that their father told them that they aren't to be at a boy's house past 10pm. They seemed pretty neutral about it, just kind of rolled their eyes when they mentioned it. Another friend of ours couldn't believe it, thought it was absolutely ridiculous. I totally agreed with the father. I feel like single young women don't have any business at a boy's house late at night. If there's a party going on or it's several young couples hanging out, that's one thing. But for one girl to be there with one's not necessary. A young lady doesn't need to be seen coming out of a boy's house late at night. True, it's no one's business what she was doing over there....but again, it simply looks bad. The way my parents raised me, you just avoid those types of things. These two girls were raised very similar to the way I was and they agreed with me. They were still annoyed, but understood it and respected their father's wishes.

I definitely realize that I've only felt this way since I was about 23 or so...I definitely respect a lot more of what my parents taught me. When I was 18, I wasn't hearing any of it. I guess what they say is true, that the words your parents speak to you will forever be with you. I definitely see the benefit of it. Life would be a whole lot more simplified if more people held these sentiments closer to their hearts and lived in such a way that was worthwhile.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

My Life, as of Late...

I feel like there's a lot, and nothing, going on all at once.

My father is in the hospital. He had a heart attack early in the weekend. They performed surgery on Monday. Cleared out some major arteries that were 100% blocked. He looked better and felt instant relief when it was over. However, he's a sick man. I pray for him constantly. I'm preparing myself for whatever is next. Speaking of whatever is next, my parents are to be re-wed on Thanksgiving day. I'm not impressed, but whatever. They're thrilled about it, so I'm happy for them. Apparently their first date ever was on Thanksgiving day, back in like 1974 or something. Even though it's a morbid thought, I kind of wonder how long my dad will live after they're married. And I could curse myself for actually speaking it aloud and typing it out, but I wonder if my mother is doing this for financial security. I asked her about it and she got defensive and said no. Hm. My mom asked me why I wasn't more thrilled about it and I told her the truth. It disgusts me that she can get in and out of marriage as quick as she changes underwear, yet I can't do it period. I told her I don't see the point. She gave me her laundry list of reasons. It's just kind of whatever to me. Everybody has been asking if I'm going to be a bridesmaid. I tell them, "no, I'm a witness." lol. In better news, I am supremely excited about being an aunt. I cannot wait for May to get here so that the baby will be here too. I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl. Devin and Jackie have picked out Damian Garrett if it's a baby boy. No girl names have been discussed. My parents have come around and gotten on board and are now excited too, which is a good thing. I kind of feel like they want their grandbaby to have married grandparents since it isn't going to get married parents.

A few weeks ago, I had a refreshing experience. After a night out for drinks and karaoke with a whole bunch of people, a few conversations, and a meal of chicken wings, I was told by a young lady that she wanted to be honest with me. Always a proponent of honesty, I was completely tuned in to whatever she had to say. She proceeded to tell me that she's a liar and a manipulator. Well, okay. I appreciated the honesty. How come everyone doesn't come with that type of warning label? I've since kept my distance, which probably wasn't going to be difficult to do anyhow because her personality is a complete bore.

I've been at church for the past two weeks and it's been great. Sometimes I don't really care for the attitudes and the disapproving, judgmental looks of some of the people, but church is something I need in my life. I enjoy the songs, the praise/worship, and the sermons. I definitely intend to keep it up.

Another thing I intend to keep up is working out. I've been doin my thanngg at the gym for the past 3 months or so. I don't know if I've lost any actual pounds at all, but I've gotten a few compliments. I know my body is changing...I'm having serious issues keeping my pants up and my breasts don't fill up my bra anymore. I'm all for it.

My job is still the same. I don't get to hire anyone else, the economic crunch has affected Sam's Club...we are cutting payroll in any way possible. It will just be me, Demetrius, and Shirley until whenever. They annoy me to death. But they seem to enjoy the job, so it's fine. But Sam's Club has seen the last of 10-hour days and 7-day weeks from Erika. I won't do it. If we don't have staff, we don't have staff. I'm not concerned about it. I've got some other applications in, I've just got to wait and see if the positions are intended for me.

As much as I've tried to fight it, the "fuck you all" attitude has crept back up on me. A few people have expressed some things to me that would typically have me concerned...but right now, it's just whatever. If I don't feel like talking on the phone, I don't care how many times you call...we're not talking. After someone expressed dissatisfation, I would typically give them a lil of what they were after...but not now. I'm still not taking phone calls or calling back. Typically if someone was making smart remarks, I would get smart back or discuss the situation...not now. Get smart with me and conversation over. I just kind of feel as if there are very few things worth my time. Sadly, a lot of people aren't making the cut. I've grown tired of a handful of people who feel like they know everything about my life, or just life in general. I'm tired of being a supportive friend to people who've done little to earn my unwavering support, but when I need someone to just share my feelings with or vent to, I have few places to turn. Sometimes I just want to say what's on my mind and not have it met with anyone's opinion, input, or advice. If I needed anybody to tell me what I need to do, I'd ask. I'm tired of people being sometimey. Some days they're all in my face and super happy to have me around...other days, it's like "oh, hey Erika..." like they could've done without me. Yuck. I'm tired of people who barely know me at all trying to tell me something about would be different if I'd asked...but where do people get off thinking that it's okay to just say things to me about my character or my personality? I'm just really turned off by a lot of people lately.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


Sometimes, I honestly feel as if I've got disordered thinking. Like, something is truly wrong with me. Too bad my insurance doesn't cover counseling.

But on the other hand - sometimes, I feel as if I'm the one that's perfectly normal and everybody else is just full of shit. No wonder I'm surrounded by so many brown-eyed people.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

UnExpected Conversation

I don't even remember how it started, but I ended up talking to Shanee on AIM yesterday. And then later in the evening, I accidentally rolled over on top of my phone...and seeing as to how she's still the first person in my Fave 5 for T-Mobile, my phone accidentally called her up. She knew that it was an accident, but didn't seem to be against we talked. It was niiiice. Nice to hear her voice, nice to be in contact with her, nice to know that she still loves me and cares for me even though I just dip out the minute things get too tense. We fell asleep on the phone just like old times.

In my heart, I love her so much and want nothing more than to be with her. In my head though, I think about everything that's wrong with our situation and can't let go of things that happened months ago. That's why we argued today...a huge surge of anger over things that happened a long time ago. It's like I can't handle a dose of good conversation because I'll instantly remember the fucked up things. She doesn't do me like that. If the roles were reversed, we wouldn't have made it past December for the shit that I did. I made a friend, knowing that the chick wanted more than a friendship. I began to talk to her all the time and spend time at her house. One night, I lied about my whereabouts and ended up gettin drunk and falling asleep at her house. Shanee didn't talk to me for about 5 hours, but she accepted my apology, believed me when I told her that nothing happened, and forgave me. Never once has she mentioned it again or used it as personal leverage in an argument. I will admit that I don't fight fair. I can't argue a current situation without pulling out some sort of reference from the past. I get so upset and so jealous about situations that still don't hold a candle to what I did in July, when I met somebody else and told Shanee that I found somebody else and wanted to see what it could be like. She never left my side, forgave me, and doesn't hold it against me. I sometimes wonder why she doesn't. But I can only be thankful that she doesn't. So why do I do that to her?? I feel like we've each done our share to tear our relationship apart and mess up the trust between us and we've still made it awfully far for having 600 miles between us. In my eyes, that stands for something. And the way I feel inside when I think about her or when I talked to her is undeniable. I love that girl.

I was just telling a friend yesterday that even though things have gone wrong between her and another person, if she genuinely feels deep down that she cares and wants to give it another shot, then that's what she should do. I told her that as a friend, I'm tired of watching her be hurt and upset and stressed out...but at the end of the day, she can't deny her own feelings. Until the light goes out on the inside and all hope is lost, she's always going to wonder what could have happened. Is she going to let the greatest love of her life pass her by because of some hurtful things that happened awhile back? It's really easy for me to tell other people that, but when it comes to my own heart and my own feelings, I'm so guarded. I need to take my own advice.

Yesterday over IM, Shanee accused me of being smooth, like how I used to be when I first met her. I don't really think that what I said was all that smooth, but she thought it was. I told her that when we get ready to actually be together again, I'm going to have to romance her and make her excited about being with me again, since I'm the one that keeps leaving. She told me that the idea is nice, but unnecessary because I've already got her. I don't need to break out the mack skills and try to woo her. It was good to know that she still thinks I'm smooth though, ha.

I feel like I should just go on ahead now and give up on the fairy tale ideal of love and relationships that I have in my head. Nobody is perfect and neither is any relationship. There's always going to be some situation that just drives me crazy, as I'm sure there is in all relationships.

So even though I'm still not ready to begin steady communication with her yet as we both are working on ourselves and healing from everything else that 2008 has had in store for us, I feel good about it now. I'm not sure when it will happen, but we'll be together again some day.

Friday, September 19, 2008

A Tough Day

Today has not been kool so far. I am still thoroughly confused about Shanee and my feelings for her and what I'm supposed to do next. I miss her a ton, but at the same time, I'm still full of anger, hurt, and resentment towards her. How do I miss somebody who's caused me so much pain?

It's crazy to me how random thoughts will just pop into my head and I will remember exactly how I felt at certain times in certain situations. I'm having a really hard time remembering the positive things today. All I can think about are the times during her last visit, over my birthday, where we would be in silence and me attempting to make conversation. She would be staring off into space, blank-faced. It happened maybe three or four times and each time made me extremely uncomfortable. I would ask what was on her mind, each time met with "nothing." Well, it's got to be something, otherwise she would have made more of an effort to keep conversation going when I made it perfectly clear that I was trying to talk. Whatever it was, her mind was a million miles away from the present situation. I've already accepted that when in front of my family and friends, she's going to fall into silence. That's just her. I don't love it, but what can I do about it? When I asked her about it, she even said it, "yeah, I won't say anything." I've brought her around most of my friends, separately and in groups, and it's the same result. She'll respond if spoken to, but that's it. She doesn't have a lot of friends, so on some levels, it doesn't surprise me. But she's got enough people in her life, aside from family, that love her and enjoy her presence in their I know she can't act like that all the time in front of everybody. I don't know whether I should take it personally that she shuts down in front of my friends and family, and then suddenly has a personality again when we're back alone. I don't wanna say that it's embarrassing, but it's kind of embarrassing. I know that she isn't obligated to entertain the other people in my life, but it definitely makes me feel awkward. I've come to terms with the fact that that's how she conducts herself in group situations, at least with myself and my friends present...I don't know how she is when she's with other people. But what I really felt uncomfortable about was the moments in which it was just her and I and it was very plain to see that she wasn't interested in conversation. She didn't seem interested in very much at all while she was here, but some moments, she did a poor job of hiding it.

I feel crazy for randomly remembering that out of the blue today, and actually being upset by it. It is what it is, I guess. I took steps to try and take care of these problems, which is why we're broken up. But what am I supposed to do about these random surges of emotion that come out of nowhere? Am I supposed to call her up and curse her out just because I'm upset? Am I supposed to just swallow my feelings and try and forget about it? Do I complain to friends who are probably sick of the problems between her and I because they've been endless since 2008 started??

It just baffles me that somebody who was so perfect in the beginning could prove to be detrimental to my emotional well-being. I'm sure she feels the same way, I've made my mistakes too. It just kills me. And why have I been okay up until now...and then today, just fall flat on my face?? I know that these types of things are up and down, but I want to feel okay again in a hurry.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I tried to be slick today. After my workout, as I was just about to leave the locker room and head to my car, this woman comes in and begins stripping down. She's got a TON of acne, but I can tell from the way her skirt is hugging her hips and booty and her breasts were filling out her top that she had a nice body underneath her outift. So...I pretended to forget something in my locker so that I could turn around and come back in for a second peek. She paid me no mind, just kept on getting changed into her workout clothes as if I wasn't in the room. I probably could have sat down and watched and I don't think she would have looked in my direction, haha. Something is wrong with me, I know.

My job situation is kind of crazy right now. I had my technical visit yesterday, which means that a technician comes out and looks at the cleanliness of the equipment and grades the staff on how well the maintenance procedures have been done over the last 6 months. We got an 84, like a B. We lost 15 points for some of the chemicals being out of control and we lost another point for having dust on the interior of most of our equipment. With my staffing issues, I'm only concerned with the actual procedures...I don't have time to be dusting and making sure every little smudge or mark gets wiped off. It doesn't have anything to do with functionality, it's just for keeping up appearances. The exterior is clean and that's all that should matter! But anyway, this morning, I finally had enough time (and the patience, the energy, and the right attitude) to fix the chemical control issue. It took about 2 hours and a lot of chemicals...but I got it done! I may not like the nature of my job all the time...playing mad scientist and doing chemistry don't exactly appeal to me, but I do enjoy a sense of accomplishment after I complete those types of tasks. I work hard mostly every day, but I do get a little satisfaction out of doing hard work from time to time. And yes, there's a difference between working hard and doing hard work. Anyway, later in the afternoon...Demetrius gets a roll of film jammed in there. Not only did it lead to unsatisfied customers, but it probably fucked the chemicals back up. When I left, there was still a part of it still jammed and if we can't get it taken apart ourselves, it's going to be an extremely expensive repair. I have no idea what Demetrius did or what exactly happened to make it do that, but I was beyond angry. I couldn't assign blame to Demetrius because I wasn't in the lab when it happened, but at the same time, neither myself nor any of the managers have ever seen that just spontaneously happen. If just yesterday, an actual technician said the machine was working just fine, it seems really unlikely that it would just do that today. Like I said, I don't know for fact that Demetrius made a mistake, but all evidence states that he did. He kept trying to say that he didn't do anything different, but I was seething so I couldn't say anything. Sometimes when I'm angry, I light into people. Other times when I'm angry, I fall silent. Mostly in situations where I could get into trouble if I said anything. It's just best I don't even open my mouth. Plus, my silence speaks for me. At times, saying nothing is more effective than a million words. I'll just see what tomorrow brings.

My mom is still in college, and she's been so busy with work, my brother, my dad, and helping me during my vehicle crisis that she has fallen behind. In exchange for all her help, I've agreed to help her (yeah them myself) with her assignments. Well, I've been graduated for over a year now and my study skills are back at zero! I was struggling to read those chapters, like forreal. I'm off work on Friday and I plan to spend the majority of the day doing the actual assignments. I swear this is the last time I'm doing this. This is approximately the 4th or 5th time that I've done school work for someone in exchange for goods and/or services. It's not fun. I guess it's a valuable skill to have though since apparently I can use it to barter. People seem willing to pay a lot or do a lot for you if you take an assignement or two off their hands.

Maybe more tomorrow, but sleep time now!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

A Good Weekend

It's been a pretty decent weekend. I went to Terre Haute early on Friday morning to clean my old car out. I thought it was going to be a tough day because my mother and I have a tendency to argue about any and everything. My mother wanted me in Terre Haute at 9:30 in the morning. When she called me at 9:30 to find out that I was just leaving my apartment, she was not impressed. She wanted to have the car towed to her house and she wanted it cleaned out before we got it towed. She got all pissy and was like "I'm not calling the tow truck unless you're here and the car is being cleaned out." I tried to explain to her that there was no reason for me to be there when the tow truck came, I could just clean the car out at her house. She called me like 40 minutes later, still acting all urgent about it. I had to chill her out again by just telling her to call the tow truck and relax. She finally did that, but I ended up beating the tow truck there anyway and we got the car cleaned out before it got towed. She irritated me though because she sat at the mechanic's and looked at my car, then when I got there, she was like "okay, let's clean it out!" and then she proceeded to clean my car out QUICK. I didn't hardly do anything at all...she did almost all the work. So, she technically could have done it before I even got there. It was just plain to see that she hadn't been thinking. We got it all cleaned out and got the car towed back to her house.

She went to work and I just chilled in her house all day long. Read a book, played on the computer, played with myself, watched TV, ordered pizza, took naps. It was just a really nice day. It was incredibly lazy, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I really should have been in town at the license branch, getting my tags switched over to the new car. I'll do that this week though. When my mom got off work, her and my uncle and myself went to the movies to see the new Tyler Perry. Everybody was in agreement that it started out really slow as the plot thickened, it could have used more comedy or something else while the storyline was building...but once it got started, it was excellent. I really believe that Tyler Perry just keeps getting better and better. I thought "Why Did I Get Married" was excellent, but this was better in my eyes. After the movie, we went to BW3's for beer and appetizers. I can feel myself aging, or maybe I'm just on a schedule, but after the movie, I was absolutely exhausted. The beer definitely didn't help matters. My mom and uncle were happily chatting at 1a.m. and I was the youngest person at the table and barely able to keep up with conversation. I tried to explain to my mother that her and my dad can't be hurt and upset about my brother's girlfriend being pregnant. They say they're sad about it because that isn't the life they wanted for him. I had to give my mother the reminder that everything happens when it's supposed to do. God's timing is perfect, even if we're not feeling it. He's still in control so there's no reason to fret. He doesn't put anything on us that we can't bear. I also told her to try and take on the same attitude that she has towards other people. Anytime we learn of somebody's child unexpectedly getting pregnant or something like that, her general attitude has always been, "oh, it was an accident and a mistake and they're doing the best they can and they'll be alright." I know things are different when they your own child, but she agreed that she should begin now in thinking of this along the same lines. I am just sick of her acting like it's a tragedy. I wasn't there when she broke the news to my father, but from what she's said, he's just as pissed. I just feel that babies, however much of a financial strain they may bring, are a blessing and should be looked forward to, not dreaded. I personally feel that my brother drinks too much, is really irresponsible, is selfish, hangs out with the wrong people, and is struggling to complete college for all those reasons. Having a baby is going to force him out of all of that. I've even seen improvements in him after getting this girlfriend. It seems that when he's got somebody really close to him that he cares about, he tends to shape up and act better. I know that he is not the type of person that would ever neglect his child. I believe the preparation for and birth of his first child will whip him into shape really quickly. I've watched an awful lot of my friends and other people I know go through that. They're wild, livin fast, and still good people with good character, just headin down the wrong path. The presence of a child turns it all around. I'm pretty confident that that's going to be the case for my brother as well.

I got up Saturday morning and drove back to the city. I did my personal grooming routine, hopped in the shower, then headed to work. Work started out somewhat stressful because I was trying to fix the mistakes that my new people made the day before, in addition to opening the lab late. I had already received a voicemail from the general manager asking me to come early because there wasn't an opener. I decided that I wasn't going. I was way more interested in my extended shower, even though it came at a price because if I would have went early, I could have avoided half the problems that came from opening the lab up at 1pm on a Saturday when the customers are used to it being open at 9. Oh well though, like I told Lindsey, I am through bending over backward, throwing my back out, and working myself into the ground for Sam's Club. I will not be doing that anymore unless I see personal gain in it. Of course, extra hours on my paycheck are personal gain...but at that moment, leisure time in the bathroom/shower were more important. After about 2pm though, everything was smooth-sailing, just another boring shift. When I got off work, Lindsey and I went to see "the Women." I never noticed before that Meg Ryan's hair is incredibly thick. Like, uncomfortably thick. I don't know if I've ever blogged about this before, but I have sexual fantasies involving Eva Mendes. I dream about her approximately once a week. So to see her in lingerie, plus Jada Pinkett lookin all sexy with all her clothes on...I was in heaven. The movie itself really wasn't all that though, I was way more impressed with Tyler Perry.

Today, I woke up and met up with some friends to watch the Colts game. It was a tense game, but they came out on top. Barely though. By the skin of their teeth. A win is a win though! It was great to see Holly and Kirsten though. Haven't hung out with them in forever. It was a breath of fresh air...I have a tendency to hang out with all the same people repeatedly, week after week. So, it was nice to talk about new things, have new conversation.

Hopefully, the week ahead will be drama free!!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Doin Grown Thangs!

I bought my first car yesterday. It's actually the 4th car that I've had in my possession. But this is the first car that I got in my own name and I'll be paying the note myself. There's a definite feeling of satisfaction that comes with that. It's a 2001 Chevy Prizm. It's tiny. Like, uncomfortably tiny. I probably look ridiculous in it. I feel ridiculous in it. Like I'm playing in a child's toy. But it's excellent on gas mileage, I can afford it, and I did notice a benefit today of its small size...I can park it anywhere! It runs really good, the engine is really clean, it's a pretty smooth ride for a 7 year old car, I've probably got another 2 years before the tires wear out, and it has a CD player. Even though I'm not in love with the car, I feel like I made a good decision. Both of my parents told me that if I wasn't happy, they would help with payments on a bigger, better car. But I wanted to make the payments on my own without their help. I'm 25 now, they technically shouldn't still be buying me anything. Plus, I could have picked out a bigger car, but paid more in gas.

I had to let go of Shanee completely. I declared that we don't text or anything, no contact. It's what's best for me. Texting and still being in contact with her was just a constant reminder of things not being right between us. I feel like that was a good decision to make, but I'm more proud of myself for how I'm handling things now that I've done it. The last time we broke up, I acted wiiiild. I'm not doing that this time. I'm not out drowning my sorrows in beer and having as much as sex as possible. It doesn't even sound appealing to me. I'm just watching shows online and reading and listening to music. I feel like I'm being responsible. No reason to be wreckless with other people's feelings just because my relationship didn't work out. It got messy the last time, I brought out the worst in a few people and I'd like to avoid that in the future. So, I'll just be enjoying my own company. No rebounding. No messing around just because I can. No engaging people in late-night conversation just to ease my own loneliness. If I can't affirm for myself that I'm a good catch and anybody would be lucky to have me, then nobody can. Finally, at 25 years old, I can see that and see that to search for that is crazy. I didn't know that at 24! I felt that I was somehow feeling better by entertaining other women. It was just something to do. I can see now that there's nothing to gain from that behavior. I realize that I'm content to be alone, chill to myself, and relax. I used to fear the pain that would come from being lonely, or allowing myself to be bored and let my mind wander to Shanee and how things went wrong. That's why I kept myself thoroughly entertained and in the company of someone who wanted me...didn't even let myself get down about it. I guess I've learned to cope...I'm here alone and chillin and if my mind wanders to her and I get sad for a minute, then I'm sad for a minute and I'll be kool again in a few minutes. That Leona Lewis "better in time" song means a lot to me right now.

Chann walked out today at work. My manager asked him to clean the floor with a toothbrush and he wasn't havin it, so he rolled out. As prison-like as that sounds right off top, he just wanted him to do down in the corners and in the nooks and crannies, places a broom and mop can't get. The specific corners that he was asked to clean, they weren't even really anything that could be wiped out with a towel or anything was black dirt that had adhered to the floor and wall. Maybe a scotch-brite or a brillo pad would have been more acceptable. Or maybe a small brush that was actually meant to scrub dirt. There is something about cleaning with a toothbrush that just makes people feel belittled and disrespected. I personally use old toothbrushes to clean and feel that they're pretty effective tools for cleaning small parts and areas, like corners. True, I've never been asked at work to get on my hands and knees and scrub corners with a toothbrush, so I might be heated about it too. But him walking out has left me with another hole in my schedule. More 10-hour days are in my near future, starting tomorrow. On top of that, the older woman isn't working out. She tried to be slick and went and changed her availability last week so it's causing scheduling problems, plus she's just not learning. She's making major mistakes and is extremely forgetful. I'm really glad I didn't go into teaching because I wouldn't be able to keep a job...I get pissed when I have to tell the same person the same thing 3 and 4 times. Just no patience for that. My general way of training is I'll tell you once, I'll show you once, and I'll answer any remaining questions....but after that, I kind of expect them to get it. Most people get it like that...I don't have to walk them through anything step by step any more than twice, tops. But this woman just isn't catching on. She's ruining customer orders, jamming the equipment, giving out the wrong information, getting on everybody's last nerve, and just generally fucking things up. Looks like I'll have two positions open again within the next week or so. Blah.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

So Emotional...

I miss Shanee. No denying it. I miss her being here and I miss her voice on the telephone. I called her the other night and we talked for like 7 minutes. It was somewhat awkward. I'm not really sure why, but it just seemed strange. I think it's best that I've put this distance between us because I just don't trust her. My faith and trust in her is just 100% obliterated and it makes me crazy. Like, super paranoid. Things seemed strange on the phone, to the point that I asked her twice if she was alone. That's bad. Then, tonight, another instance of me being made crazy by this...she told me goodnight by text message at like 12:55 and had actually put her away message up on AIM to go to bed at like 12:30. But at 1:25, she'd only been idle for like 10 minutes. It's not that I'm trying to clock her, but sometimes these funny feelings just wash over me and I can't help but notice that things just don't add up. Of course about 10 different thoughts flew through my mind, none of which make me seem sane. Maybe I'm the one with the problem...paranoid, insecure, stalkerish. In my defense though, I did not get like this until she proved to me that I need to keep my good eye on her. I'm finally seeing that it's not worth living like this though...disturbia is not fun. This isn't the kind of life I want and I definitely deserve better than this. Us not talking doesn't seem to really have eased my mind much. I told her that we could still be kool, but I might have to reneg on that. It still just really hurts, everything that's gone on. I did some things wrong too, so I can't just act like I'm the victim. I just honestly feel that I haven't created any situations that we're still feeling the effects of or situations that are never-ending. I've never been so confused and conflicted in my life. It's just a tough situation. I feel like it's a step in the right direction to have cut it off. Completely letting go is the's the part that I haven't ever been able to do. With us still texting all day, being friends, and sharing all the small details of life, it's hard to view her as anyone other than my girlfriend, especially since that's what she's been pretty much the whole time I've known her. I don't know how to just be friends with her. When I think about everything that's gone on and all the shit that has taken place, I kind of wonder if I even want her friendship because she's done some things and acted in plenty of ways that are not acceptable as even a friend. It makes me wonder if my self-esteem is low or if I don't value myself enough...why can't I just let it go and move on? Why do I keep setting myself up for disappointment? That's pretty much all I've gotten out of the situation since January...repeating disappointment, typically over the same things. It's just exhausting but somehow or another, I apparently don't mind it because I keep on taking it.

My mom found a possible car for me today. Hopefully I'll get approved for it...we'll see tomorrow. That whole situation and what it's about to do to my finances is stressful.

I'm going to be an auntie!! I am soo thrilled! My brother and his girlfriend definitely have some tough times ahead of them, but babies are a joy. My mom is a lil sad for him...he's about to struggle financially and has to rearrange his whole more camping and canoeing and other recreational trips on a whim like he's used to doing now. He can't just decide on Wednesday to spend the weekend at the lake anymore...he's gotta plan that shit in advance now. My dad doesn't know yet, we'll see how he feels after he finds out tomorrow. I think that he'll be upset at first. But I know that once they actually lay eyes on the baby, they'll be absolutely thrilled. Plus, my brother is excellent with children...all the kids he's coached and all the summers he's spent as a camp counselor, my mother and I were remarking that he'll be a great father. Most importantly, my brother and his girlfriend are ecstatic about the news!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Cars & Football

After trying relentlessly to contact my father for the past two days, he finally got back in touch with me today with the diagnosis of my car from the mechanic. My engine is bad. So bad it's not worth fixing. I'm in a bit of a panic because I'm not looking forward to making a car payment each month and having to go through the hassle of getting a new car.

I am really glad that the NFL season officially started today though. The Redskins tried. They gave it to Eli Manning a few times, but couldn't really complete many passes. It was somewhat sad. I can't wait for the Colts on Sunday!

I feel like most emotion has been drained. I guess "blah" would describe my general mood. I guess I'm just tired. Of everything. My job, my employees, now my car, being sick, this whole situation with Shanee, not knowing what's going to happen on any level. This really is a true moment of doing what I can and just trusting God for the rest.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Appropriate Name Change & A Brief Update

I had to change the title and description of my blog because blogging everyday proved to be too much. After Shanee coming out here for 6 days, my birthday celebrations, my car breaking down, being sick, plus going back to work...sitting down to write a blog was just the last thing on my mind. I've been living life, not taking time out to write about it. It was a good idea when I had it, but blogging every single day is kind of a tough thing to hold myself to.

My birthday was excellent. Minus the fact that I'm 25 now and feeling somewhat old, it was my first chance to sleep late in weeks. It wasn't even that late, but I woke up on my own time, not because I was obligated to be somewhere. Shanee and I went to the license branch and I got my license renewed. My new picture is ugly. We went to Cracker Barrel and had brunch. Then we went to the movies to see The House Bunny. That movie was hilarious. I was cracking up the entire time. I was the only one in the whole damn theater laughing (there was only 3 of us, which made my laughter even more silly)...but I didn't care. I enjoyed it. Shanee said the only reason she was glad to be there was because she was by my side...she didn't appreciate the movie not one bit. There was one other person in the theater as well and she didn't laugh either. I think I actually heard her groan and sigh a couple of times, she was probably thinking to herself "I paid for this shit, so I'm staying, but this sucks." After the movie, we came back to my place and "hung out," then went to Ginza Japanese Steakhouse to have dinner with a group of my friends. It was fun, plus good food. After that, we all went back to Tanner's house for drinks and Wii Sports. Shanee had never played the Wii before, but somehow kicked everybody's ass.

As part of my birthday present, Shanee got me sweet-ass Colts tickets. It was a lot of fun. The game sucked, but I enjoyed myself.

Friday, we went to Terre Haute to celebrate my birthday with my parents. On the way there, my car began to smoke terribly. We had to get it towed the rest of the way and we had to ride in the tow truck with this old man with like 3 teeth and his speech was horrible and he went 55 mph the entire way. It was horrible, but we made it. We went to dinner with my family and had a good time, then my brother took us to a bar. That was fun as well. I got to meet my brother's girlfriend. She's really sweet. It's adorable the way she looks at my brother, just in awe of him. The next day, my dad got me a rental car and we came back to the city.

Shanee had to leave Sunday, but before she did, we had a serious conversation. Things are still so up in the air and hard to deal with right now. I've decided to put some distance between us for the time being. She wanted to back up to friends, but I took it a step further and said we aren't talking for awhile. I'd rather not say bad things about her in such a public place, but there are several things that absolutely have to change if we are ever going to have a healthy, positive, happy relationship again. We'll see how it goes.

I'm sick. It started, as it always does, with a tickle in my throat. Then it got uncomfortable. Then in the middle of the night, it got painful as hell. The next morning, the nasal congestion kicked in. It's in my lungs now. I got a neti pot and that thing works wonders! I'm officially a believer in it! However, I'm having some slight trouble breathing because of the chest congestion, but I'm not feeling as terrible as I was earlier and yesterday. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Sick of Silly Women

The day, though not yet over, has been a blur.

I woke up, went to work from 9 until 12. Demetrius learned quickly and seemed eager and happy to be there. It was good that he had such a great attitude about it. However, with my new separation from Shanee fresh on my mind, training a new associate proved to be a test of my patience. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. I left work absolutely famished and decided that I wanted Cracker Barrel.

I have only been out to a restaurant alone approximately 3 times in my whole life. I don't really like to do that, but sometimes it's needed. I got seated and after 15 minutes of not receiving any service, I went up to the hostess podium and went off. It wasn't a show-stopping type of "go off," but it was enough to have the hostesses stammering for words and they immediately sat me down somewhere else and sent the waitress right over to me. I enjoyed my brunch and came home.

I went to the leasing office to check for my package. T-Mobile (punk-ass cell phone company) was sending me a new Dash to replace my defective one. I switched my sim and memory cards, put my battery in, did all my settings, and packaged up the one I intend to return. I slept for a few hours. I woke up and have been reading this really good book my friend Lito sent's called "Passion Marks" by Lee Hayes. I didn't bother to check how old it was or anything like that, but it's really good. He also sent me the sequel, so I'm excited. I may not have my girlfriend, but I've got some good reading material for the weekend. She says she still loves me and I'm her number one and that she just thinks this is what's best for the both of us. In my mind, I can perfectly understand her reasoning...but in my heart, it just hurts. Her timing couldn't have been worse. I really hope I don't cry when I see her at the airport. It's pretty much inevitable that the tears will come at least some point during the 6 days she'll be here. I am definitely glad that I get to spend my entire birthday with somebody that I love though...I don't think that's happened before. There's been years I was dating someone, but we didn't get to wake up next to each other on the morning of my birthday, then be inseparable the entire 24 hours. I have a strong feeling that we're going to have a wonderful week together, create new memories, and all that good stuff....and then it's going to be horribly painful saying goodbye. It always is.

I say the day has been a blur because I feel like it should only be about 5 or 6pm. The day is pretty much over (I can't get the timestamp to display the correct time, but it's 10:30.) After I woke up, I guess I've been so consumed with my thoughts of Shanee and her upcoming visit that time just flew. I still have to do a bunch of laundry if I want to wear clean clothes while she's here or have fresh sheets on the bed. My apartment is generally pretty clean, but there's always some extra things to do before having a house guest.

I was supposed to be going out for drinks with an acquaintance. She's not really a friend. She used to live here in Indianapolis and we got kool, but then she took a job with NASA and so she moved to Houston to work at the Johnson Space Center. Whenever she comes back in town, she contacts me. It's welcome. Rarely do I do anything about it though...I typically just ask what brings her back up to the midwest and how she's doing. I guess with my current state of mind, I needed to know that somebody wanted me around, so I asked her out for a drink. She agreed. Later in the evening she contacted me and I asked her where she wanted to meet, and she never texted back. Little does she know, but my drink invitation officially expired at 10pm. This is why she never actually made friend status. She's difficult to catch up with. I'm not sure if it's her fault or just the environment she grew up in. With her, it's never just a simple "hey, let's hang me at the bar at 11." There's always a bunch of other bullshit included, like having to pick somebody up from work, waiting on somebody to arrive at her house, needing to get her hair done, and fifty million other things. The thing that irritates me is that she can't ever mention that shit early in the day while we're originally making the plans. If we have plans set for 11, she'll spring that shit on me at about 10:45, when I'm walking out the door. She just generally seems to have little regard for my time. It amazes me that she acts so irresponsibly in her social life, but was able to complete a master's degree and land a job with NASA. And keep the job! Maybe it's personal though and it's really just me that she isn't all that pressed about spending time with. Because it's obvious that she can get her shit together when she really wants to. That's primarily why I don't really deal too much with her when she comes in town, because it just turns out to be a waste of my time and I end up irritated.

I pissed Lindsey off today. We were at work and I was training Demetrius and she came over and got the store-use camera to take pictures of a check presentation she had to do. She came back with the camera and told me that she needed some prints made. A few weeks prior, she needed the same thing and I told her to place the order herself and she tried to act like she couldn't use the kiosk and it would just be impossible to place her own order. I prompted her two or three times to do it and she refused. I ended up placing the order for her. Today when she came and needed the prints, I told her that I wouldn't do it today. Maybe I was being petty or funny-acting, but I didn't feel like I need to offer an explanation. She said that our general manager was coming back tomorrow and she needed to have it done. I told her to place the order herself. She rolled her eyes and walked out. She came back with another store associate and had her help her. She didn't look at me or talk to me for the rest of the few hours I was there. Her brother came up there and she turned her head when I waved at him. I get so tired of her sometimes...I know that I could have handled the situation differently, but she knows good and well that I've done way too much for Sam's Club this past month and it kind of irritated me that she would even ask me for something like that when she's perfectly capable of doing it herself. In general, I don't have much patience for strong, independent women who like to play dumb or act like they aren't able to do something. Lindsey gets straight A's in school, works her ass off at our job, swears up and down that she's always right, acts like she doesn't need anything from anybody....but can't use a digital photo kiosk. Please.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

She and E are OV

I was off work today and absolutely thrilled about that fact! I slept in and just laid in the bed for a long time before I moved. It was a wonderful feeling.

I got up and caught up on the Olympics, watched a few shows online, and played around on the computer.

Before I knew it, Shanee and I were into it. Not a fight, but a serious discussion. It seems like everyday, something comes up. It's both of our faults. We've each done our dirt and hurt one another, but I can't let go. I can't get over it. I have a lot of hurt, anger, disappointment, and worry inside. It comes to the surface daily. It causes me to nitpick, start fights, and get my feelings hurt all over again. It's becoming quite difficult to manage. It's causing a lot of stress for the both of us. We have been trying for 3 days now to discuss it and really figure out the far, pumping the brakes and just being friends for awhile is looking like the best solution. It saddens me to think of us "breaking up" yet again. However, it would be beneficial to me to have a break from feeling so heavy-hearted. It would be beneficial to her not to have me fussing at her every single day when school starts back up. It isn't set in stone yet, but it's looking like she'll be coming out here for her previously scheduled visit, we will enjoy one another, and when she leaves we will begin trying to just be friends. I'm not sure how it's going to play out, but it's looking like our only option right now. It just hurts so bad. It kills me that I love her so much and this time last year, everything was absolutely wonderful. I couldn't have asked for anything more. But now, things are messy and don't seem to be getting any better. Like I said, I feel like it's primarily my fault because I can't let go of the past and just look toward the future. That's always been a tough thing for me to do. I feel so weak because I can forgive her, but I can't forget. I also feel weak because I feel deep down in my soul that I need her. Like, some Jazmine Sullivan needing. But what neither of us need is the stress that comes from this relationship right now, with my being upset every single day. It kills me that so much hurt and pain comes from one person, but so much comfort and support comes from that same person. That's why I feel that I need her. Nobody has ever listened to me without judgment the way that she does. I can talk to her about anything and feel comfortable. She has given me the space to be myself in such a way that nobody else has. I highly doubt that there are many people like her, I hadn't met any prior to her.

[She just confirmed that we are, indeed, going to take a step back and pump the brakes. She said that she loves me more than anything, and that I'm the one for her and we're going to be together in the end, but for right now, for both of our mental health and the health of our relationship, we have to take a step back. She doesn't want us to resent one another and I have to really get down to the root of why I can't let go and work to fix it. I guess I can't fault her for wanting a break from all my negativity and the arguments and tears that are products of it. It just hurts worse than I thought it would.]

I am still thrilled that she's coming out here. I hope we have a wonderful time together and really enjoy each other and I hope it's not awkward. More than anything, I hope I can remain positive and not let my emotions get the best of me once I'm in her presence. It's strange that I don't cry much about death or at funerals or movies or books, but let my feelings get hurt a tiny bit, and it's ON. She said that we will talk more once we're in person and face to face and see if being together makes things any different. It isn't really fair to try and evaluate a relationship or set it down when we haven't seen each other in almost 6 months. I hope that us spending 6 days together, uninterrupted, will fix the cracks and bruises in my heart and make me able to handle a relationship again. They say that time heals all wounds, but damn. If our visit doesn't rekindle our relationship, then I hope that spending some time with her will at least give me the strength to keep my chin up and press on as friends.

I suppose it's just as good an idea as any to go drown my sorrows in a latte.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A Staff & Lies

I got good news today at work! Shirley and Chann's drug tests both came back clean! So...I've got a full staff back in the photo lab now! They have orientation on Friday, then I am gonna start training them on Saturday! I can't wait. Demetrius (i stole him from the grocery department!) starts on Friday...I am supposed to be off that day, but I am going to go in at 9am and show him how to open and help him out and get him started. I feel really bad that his very first shift is going to be solo. But he's a good worker and can handle it. I was pulled aside today and told by another manager to shield and protect my new workers from my manager. I asked why and what did they mean. He told me that he's almost 100% positive that the only reason that my whole staff quit is because the manager over us is so strict, mean, worthless, and just overall a douchebag. If you ask him for help, he always says "i can't, i'm checking my email." He's just very quick to let it be known that he's got something way more important to do than whatever it is that you need from him. That's just his nature. I've gotten to a point where I just ignore 75% of what he says and I'm not afraid to tell him about himself. Other people don't know how to handle him. He still definitely has the ability to get under my skin, but I'm in more of a position to say something to him or walk away. Anyway, the other manager thinks that the reason nobody lasts in any of his departments is because of what kind of leader he is. Because of this, I definitely plan to give them each a lil disclaimer and a warning and inform them up-front about what type of person he is. But I don't want to plant the idea in any of their minds that there is divisiveness between me and him, because there technically isn't. I'll just have to choose my words.

I got to talk to my Booger!! I feel a lot better now that I heard his voice for myself. I almost lost it a couple times while on the phone with him, but I held it together. Lots of prayers with his name in them to come.

I fussed at Shanee for a whole ten hours today. For the benefit of my personal peace of mind and out of respect for her privacy (even though she said I could write whatever I wanted..."it's your blog baby, write what you want."), I won't retell the whole story. But why can't people just say what's really good to their significant other?? Why bullshit around and sidestep and try to make excuses? Shanee and I were supposed to have a serious discussion last night, but she chose to hang out with friends all night instead. So today when I let her know that I was not happy about it, she made 50 billion excuses. Through the course of her trying to cover her butt, it became apparent that she had totally forgotten that we were supposed to be having a talk. Why couldn't she have just told me up-front that she had forgot?? Like I told her, it's hurtful that she would forget something important like that because the discussion was about things that will ultimately determine the future of our relationship, but I can understand it. What I can't get with is the fakery. The truth hurts, but it's always my preference. She knows that, so it was extremely disappointing that she really tried to play it off for 4 hours. At the end of the day though, that's my baby and we try our best to be patient with one another. But when situations like that arise, I wonder just exactly how much is too much? At what point will I quit overlooking these lapses in honesty? Have I already overlooked too much? A friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend, who was also long-distance. She had been trying to get him to move here for months and months. He always said no and cited money as the reason. Well, she manages a bank and I guess he figured that she would be a good place to start in terms of having someone look over his finances and advise him. The last straw in their relationship was several weeks ago when he had the opportunity to move out of his apartment and down here with her, but he chose a new apartment in his city and still maintained that money was the reason. Well, after taking a close look at his finances, she found that his new apartment was more expensive than his old one and it's a farther drive from his job...ergo, his expenses had actually increased. They were at a restaurant when she called him out about it and that's when he finally blurted out that his peace of mind was worth the extra money. She got up from the table, exited the restaurant, walked back to his apartment and left him sitting at the dinner table. How dare he feel like their relationship wasn't worth moving for, but lie to her about it repeatedly? What did he gain from bullshitting her like that? Why couldn't he tell her the truth? It's one thing to tell a lie, but in my personal opinion, it's far worse to tell long-standing lies that last weeks or months. I don't want to make it seem as if I have never lied before, because I definitely have. But it's always just been one lie to account for one thing...I never tried to trick anybody for a long period of time. I learned in 1st grade that when you tell one lie, you typically have to tell another in order to cover it up and before you know it, the whole thing is out of control. I seem to be the only person who learned that. And anybody who has a clue about the Bible knows that what's done in the dark will come to light, that truth always wins out. For that reason alone, why do people even grow the balls to think they're slick?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Alarm the Studio

Another 10.5 hour day at work. I can't even handle my business outside the photo lab, like write the schedule and do my audit and complete my reports. My department looks a mess because the phrase "clean as you go" doesn't mean anything if you're the only one going and you never get a chance to stop. The camera display bar looks a mess too because I haven't had the time to actually put any time into fixing it up and getting all my displays out. Blahhh. I don't even really care anymore...ten orders came through all at the same time, and I just stood there and looked at them for about 5 whole minutes, not moving. Then I realized that my phone had accidentally called Shanee from my pocket and she called back...I whipped the phone out and answered it, right in the middle of the photo lab, in direct view of managers and members...just didn't care even though I know full well that cell phones are not permitted while on the clock. Oh well. I'm just real over it. I work another 10 hour day tomorrow and then I'm off on Thursday. Work about 3 or 4 hours on Friday morning, then it's back to full shifts for the rest of the weekend. I am going to be one exhausted girl by the time my vacation starts on the 26th. I know that a lot of people consistently work 12 hour shifts, that's just how their job is, so maybe I shouldn't complain. But that is not the nature of my work and those are not the hours I signed up for.

I live in a studio and the unit across the hall from me is also a studio. Why did the man that lives there install an alarm for his one-room apartment?? It is sooo annoying. I do not want to hear that every single time he opens his door. And he has a tendency to keep some late hours. Doesn't he know that the rest of my life is stressful enough??!

Monday, August 18, 2008


Today proved to be another stressful-ass day. From the moment I woke up, it was on.

I rolled over when my alarm went off and grabbed my cell phone, expecting to have my usual alert from The Weather Channel letting me know the day's forecast. Well, I had a message that my Booger (Ty) had been in an accident and was in critical condition. There was no other information available to me at that time...I didn't know if he was on a respirator, in a coma, shattered body parts...I had no clue what kind of critical condition we were dealing with. I was immediately sick. I was terribly upset. I spent a long time in prayer. So many things crossed my mind...his ex, his ex-best friend, the fact that we had JUST got our friendship back right a couple weeks ago. I managed to get myself together and despite burning my breakfast and having to stop at McDonald's on my way to work, I got there.

I sat in the car for awhile, talking to Shanee before I went inside. I was sharing some of my feelings with her about how I worry about our relationship and I have a lot of anxiety about it because of how much anger, hurt, and disappointment I've already been through with her and I got so upset about it that I began to cry. Then, in the middle of crying about it, a thought came to me...."Baby? What if the one person that I would talk to about this never wakes up??" and it was really over for me at that point. I cried like a child...snot everywhere, loud painful sobs, couldn't breathe. Shanee, as usual, is wonderful about consoling me and she did just that and I managed to go ahead and go inside and get clocked in. I made it through the day, even though it was rigorous and hectic at times, being by myself and all. I interviewed a 61-year-old woman today and I'm totally going to offer her a job on Wednesday. She's another photographer that wants part-time work. She said that her husband makes the money and takes care of everything, she just needs an additional hobby and said that she doesn't even want 30 hours, more like 20 works for her. Then she said, "i like to work until about 8:30 or 9." Well, it doesn't get any more perfect than that! She's not going to be digging for hours and she doesn't mind closing! (I kinda wonder if she's happy with her husband....don't most priveleged white women like to be home in the evenings to tend to their money-making husbands??!!) She said that I may have to show her how to use the computer 2 or 3 times, but she'd get it. She was a really nice lady. Plus, I think it would be a positive thing to have some age in the lab. Me, two dudes, plus an older woman....I see nothing but great things to come. She doesn't seem to be into drama, not in the slightest. Her demeanor seemed to be really sweet and calm. I need sweet and calm in my life, especially up in Sam's Club! I do still have one interview to conduct tomorrow, but I'm almost sure that I'm going to pick the older woman, her name is Shirley. Between her and Chann, I just hope they both can go do a drug test and be ready for orientation on Friday.

I was supposed to get off work at 7, but the manager on duty asked me to stay until 8:30 because the other manager left him high and dry with no closers. So, I stayed because I don't mind overtime. Plus, they can pay me as a supervisor and have me greet people at the entrance all complaints here! I did get word that Booger's okay, doing way better than I originally thought, but the situation is still not that great because he lost a few fingers. I am sad for him for that, I can't even begin to imagine what's on his mind. I am just glad he still has his life though!

With how stressful things have been lately, sometimes it's easy to forget about the positive things going on. It's a lil harder to see that life is beautiful and there really isn't any reason to fret. God can only do great things. It's times like these where I have to really dig deep to remind myself that ALL things come together for the good. In 2006, there was a national news story about a case of mistaken identity and two young girls, Laura Van Ryn and Whitney Cerak were involved in a horrible van accident and Whitney was mistaken for dead, while she really laid in a hospital bed in a coma while Laura's family took care of her, now knowing that their daughter had actually died. The two families have written a book and it's very touching and I let Lindsey read it...and she wants to be a Christian now!! Definitely good news!

Another small tidbit of joy: the Hills is back on! For some strange reason, I enjoy watching priveleged white people go about their lives and the drama they encounter. I watched it with Lindsey, and she's a good friend to have, but sometimes I really get my fill of her. We're both strongly opinionated and headstrong individuals, so sometimes she's not my favorite person to be around. It's probably just my perception of things, but sometimes I really feel like she just disagrees with me just to be in disagreement. If I say something, it seems like she just purposely says the opposite. If I say the sky is blue, she would say it's black, just to say something else or try to prove a point. And she has a way of taking a tone that something is final, that I'd better not say anything else. I find it easier to just let her have the last word, even though I don't agree or think she's right, she's not going to shut up and listen to anybody else, so just let her have her way. She doesn't seem to understand the concept of letting anyone vent either. Sometimes, as a friend, it doesn't matter if someone is right or wrong, just let them vent. You don't always have to point out the areas in which they're wrong. If I am complaining about a manager at work, she doesn't always have to point out that they're actually right and I don't have any real choice in the matter...if it's something serious, what's wrong with letting me get it out, then bring it up later when I'm in a better mood to let me know that I'm wrong? I grow extremely sick of it most of the time. I have definitely stopped hanging out with her as much as I used to and I have shortened the time I spend with her. We went and ate Mexican and were only at the restaurant for about 35 minutes, then we went and watched the show and I left as soon as it was over. I was only with her about an hour. And she got on my nerves. I always say that I'm going to take a break from her, but she's one of the few friends I've got that is convenient. She doesn't live far, she doesn't mind driving to go somewhere that's not right around the corner, she's not broke all the time, socially we do agree on a lot of things because our upbringings were almost identical, and she understands being big.

It's almost time for sleep!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

A Disappointing Day

I got to work today and soon after clocking in, I just became disgusted for the rest of my shift...

Sam's Club is trying to promote a new membership we offer, the Collegiate. It's basically just a regular advantage membership all dressed up to look like a great idea for college students. Anyway, to promote this, we've taken the "back to skool" craze to a new level and the entrance of Sam's Club is decorated to look just like a college dorm room. It's all decked out with a little twin bed, a desk, a computer,a 40 inch tv, a cart FULL of food. It's actually a pretty high-end dorm room. We even have a lady serving pizza in it and this weekend, we were giving away backpacks. The backpacks don't come full of school supplies and they have the Sam's Club logo on them, so they aren't cute. To most people, it's just an undersized, Sam's Club backpack that isn't good for anything but maybe carrying books back and forth to the library. Now excuse me while I get racial for a moment: I'll have it be known that black people were the only ones trying to take 3 and 4 backpacks, eating 4 and 5 slices of pizza, getting out their cell phones to call other people (who didn't even have memberships) to come to Sam's and get a backpack, and just overall causing problems. Take one backpack, take one slice of pizza, and keep it moving <-- that idea seemed to be lost on them. Even the most ghetto employees at my job were taking note of how our fellow black Americans were acting. One of my homeboys, Dre, stated that he did not like black people. I seconded it with "I do not like them Sam I Am." And then he took off with it "I do not like them Sam I Am, I do not like black women and men, I do not like them in the park, I do not like them after dark. I do not like them when they act like a jerk, I really don't like them when I clock in at work. All they do is end up in jail; I do not like them, they will not prevail." That's all that I remember, but it went on and on. In theory, it was not funny. I won't say that it was actually funny either...but it was just one of those experiences where you can't help but take notice and it's sad.

Then, this professional photographer came to make his prints so he can sell his packages. He had an image of four young girls who looked to be about 14 or so, and they were all pregnant. You could take one look at their faces and tell that they were extremely young. They had on matching outfits and jewelry. It was disgusting. Who told them that it was cute to be in middle school and pregnant?? And which of their mothers paid for the sitting fee?? And which of their mothers was purchasing their package?? It included fifty million wallet sized prints that I'm sure will be passed all around school next week. I guess it's good that these super young ladies are being made to feel positive about their situation, but I'm not sure that it warrants professional photos that showcase their fast-assness.

This particular photographer has came to my lab before to get some prints done. He came with a large order that included a lot of poster prints. The poster printer at my job is extremely slow. It may take an hour or longer for one print to load up and begin printing. Once it starts, it only takes about a minute for the actual print to be completed. It took hours for his order to be completed and he flew off the handle. Lost his damn mind. Just snapped and acted a fool. Said that Sam's Club has never disappointed him like this before in his life. Said he can't believe how slow our equipment is. Said that he's got the police after him because I was making him look like he was running a fraudulent business. Just said all types of crazy shit. None of it said calmly...all at the top of his lungs while he angrily paced back and forth in front of the counter, throwing his hands in the air, yanking his hair out, jumping up and down, and trying to come into the photo lab and take a look at the printer himself. He was fit to be tied. So imagine my shock and discomfort when he walked in today. He ordered several regular prints and 8 posters. He already knows what the deal is with the poster printer runs slow. It sounds bad, but the truth is that it could take approximately 8 hours to print those 8 posters. I have called technicians and there is nothing that can be done about it, I have to wait until they do the company-wide upgrades on all the machines. So anyway, he placed his order and when I saw those posters, I went and told both managers on duty that he was there and they remembered him from the last time. However, they both shrugged their shoulders and looked at me as if it was my problem. I went and found the photographer who was riding around the store in a sit-and-shop like he lacked the ability to walk (ugh, lazy negro). I explained to him that nothing had changed since the last time he was there, my equipment was still extremely slow, his order would not be completed by the time the store closed at 6, his best bet was to come early in the morning and place his order and then leave and call back for an update midway through the afternoon. He seemed so kool...he said he understood. But he didn't leave. He sat in the "college dorm room" and glared at me and watched me shut down the photo lab. He didn't say another word to me. But at 5:59, he got up and went up to the service desk and ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. He was stark raving mad. Doing all the same things he did the first time...screaming, jumping around, yanking his hair, throwing his arms in the air. The two managers who had already been pre-warned stood there alongside some other employees and looked like they just got a whoopin' while every single customer and worker stopped what they were doing and stood there with their mouth dropped open while he ranted and raved. I clocked out and left before it was all said and done, but I later found out that one of the managers ended up giving him 60 bucks worth of free pictures. The same manager tried to avoid eye contact with me as I left, which I wasn't feelin. I was somewhat glad that they got a taste of what I have been dealing with and trying to tell them...the man is crazy. I know that tomorrow, not one word better be breathed to me about the situation. One of the managers came to me before I clocked out and was trying to get a better grip on the situation and wanting to know why he'd been there for 4 hours and his order wasn't complete. I explained the situation to her. She didn't say too much, but she's known to be a bitch (like, a real one). The other manager, he's extremely passive and tries to deal with as little as possible. I'm not sure what could be said to me about it, I handled the situation the best that I could, but since it was right at the closing of the store, I wonder if they really wanted to sit me down and try to somehow make it my fault and are just going to do it tomorrow.

About 30 minutes before I got off work, Shanee sent a text saying that she was going to take a nap. By the time she woke up, I was writing this post and even though I said that we could talk then, she still wanted to get off the phone until I was done. So, it's the end of the day and we've only talked 30 minutes, which was at 9:30 in the morning. It saddens me. I know she's got a life to live and I'm not her whole life, but I've just been extremely sensitive about it lately. When she is at skool in Philly, I know that she's often bored and she misses her family a lot. But when she goes home to DC, she's happy to be around her family and her close friends. That's all fine and good...but I hate it that our communication suffers terribly when she goes home. She does the best she can, but it's way less than what I'm used to. I want her to be happy and going home makes her happy...but it would be a lie if I said that I'm not happy when she goes back to Philly and things get back to normal. It kind of makes me feel like it's only convenient to talk to me when she's in Philly without a lot of close friends and family to keep her entertained. Maybe I'm just a big baby or maybe I'm spoiled, but I feel somewhat like an afterthought when every time she goes home, our communication gets all fucked up. I know that these things aren't true, but I'm just needy. Like I said in a xanga post last week, when she's with her mother and her sister, they are so close and have so much fun together, it's more like a group of girlfriends. It's true that I'm jealous of the fact that she's so close to her mother and they have so much fun together. I'm glad she has that because it makes her happy, but it's double sadness for me because I can really only talk to her first thing in the morning if I call and wake her up or late in the night when she's finally in bed, then the reminder that she's got a good relationship with her mother and I don't. It also scares me because I wonder how happy she'll be next year when she moves away from her family. She gets pretty homesick and unhappy if she doesn't get to go home every few weeks. That's not going to work if she's any further than 3 or 4 hours away. I wonder if I should just suck it up and move to DC...I don't have those close ties to my family like she does, it would be far less painful for me to be far away than it would be for her. Hmm...I just thought of that, maybe I should discuss it with her.

One tidbit of non-disappointing news though!! New England lost! I suppose it's still disappointing since it's only the preseason though...!

I made that banner at the top of my page...and I noticed today that my ear looks WEIRD.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

A New Undertaking

I am going to experience my 25th birthday in 13 days. With that milestone fast approaching, I have decided to chronicle my 25th year. Now, I've been blogging since I was 18...blurty, then livejournal, then xanga, then myspace, then downelink, and at times I have used a mixture of them all. I haven't used the blurty or the livejoural in years. I have primarily used xanga. Every so often, I will post something on myspace or downelink. I have officially decided to challenge myself to not only blog in one place...but also to blog each and every day for a year. I am committing myself to writing at least one post every single day. And only on this site...I am forsaking my dear xanga for a whole year. Will I return to xanga when I turn 26? We'll see!


I am ready to admit the truth about myself and how I conduct myself in relationships. I am clingy. Maybe even obsessive. Shanee is doing family things today. Every year, her uncle hosts a huge crab dinner at his house and family comes from far and wide to reunite and enjoy themselves and it's this weekend. Plus, she hasn't seen her father since Christmas so it's extra sweet this time around. I was pre-warned that cell phone service is funny at her uncle's house...and I remember it being sparse last year. Despite all this, I still feel some type of way about the fact that I haven't heard from her in 3 hours. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me...why do I trip like this??

Even though she isn't calling me or in my inbox like I would like her to be, she has turned me on to a new band called Cobra Starship. I'm really liking them. I don't think they're actually new and I don't think they're mainstream, but that's all the more reason to be feelin' 'em! I have been in love with Colbie Caillat for almost two years now, way before Bubbly hit the radio. I remember being young and loving Twista and I remember a marked decrease in my enjoyment of his music after everybody at my middle skool was running around talkin about "geeettt ittt weettttt."I know that being underground doesn't do much for the artist, but I enjoy them more that way for some reason.

I hired someone! I can see the end of my 11 and 13 hour days! His name is Chann and he's a photographer that needs a steady part-time job! It seems perfect. I hope that his drug test comes back clean and that he turns out to be a good employee. There is a slight problem though...I can see that on his first evaluation, there will have to be a discussion about oral hygiene. He had a good case of halitosis today.

I am happy that the Colts were at least able to beat the Falcons in the preseason tonight since it seems that the Redskins and the Panthers posed a problem for us and that just shouldn't be the case. Enough about that...

In an attempt to get myself in the habit of blogging daily, I am going to start now and not just wait until my birthday. So, until tomorrow...