Wednesday, February 25, 2009

swollen nuts & other ramblings

Ain't a lot really goin on.

My manager got his ass chewed out yesterday at work, which ended in my having to do some dirty work. Without notice, our regional manager walked in our store and all hell broke loose. They were walking the floor and I saw them coming towards me. I just kept on doing what I was doing, which was verifying a merchandise report. They got within earshot of me and they were talking in hushed voices. I saw my manager's face turn a bright shade of red. Then I heard, "stand over there in that corner." I turned and looked and the market manager had my manager in a corner, with his blackberry out, and was takin a picture of him standing amidst a bunch of trash and a junky merchandise display. "Smile!" I couldn't believe it. I have never seen somebody get called out like be made to stand in a corner and have your picture taken amongst a bunch of crap. I walked over to another manager and asked if it was customary to have your picture taken and he was like "um, no." So the manager who had his picture taken came running over and asked me to go clean up where he just was. The manager that I had went and asked started laughin and asking questions about it. I went over to where I was told to clean and there were cups of Coke, like 3 of 'em, a couple sets of broom and dust pan, dust bunnies the size of real life bunnies, boxes, plastic from broken displays, a couple random pieces of flooring....just a bunch of shit. I threw it all away and got the area looking presentable. I did what I was told, but I was kind of salty about it...the people who actually work in that department should have been made to clean up their own shit. Oh well, I understood that he was mad and his nerves had gone to shit after he got lit into and humiliated like that, so he just nailed the first person he saw with the task.

My dad is still in the hospital and still off the hook. He grossed me completely out today...his testicles are swollen and he was scootin around the bed all crazy and I asked what he was doing, and he was like, "I gotta let my nuts hang off the side of the bed." I dry heaved. Thennnnn, he said the fuck word to me...I've never in all my 25 years of livin heard him say that. I was helping him with his oxygen and I didn't know that the tubes went around the ears and tightened under his chin...i thought they just went around his head and tightened at the top of his neck....he was like "what part of you thought that would be a good fuckin idea?" I think I hid my shock pretty well, but I couldn't believe it. My mom was maddd when I told her....she said that under no circumstances, grown or not, should he be using that type of language towards me. Even as a full grown adult, I'm still his daughter and "fuck" just isn't appropriate. I wasn't offended, just shocked...but she was appalled.

I'm waiting on a backlash. I'm not proud of this, but there is a young lady (hoe) that a couple of my homeboys and I have all used once or twice for her supreme oral skills. Apparently, her myspace status is always angry, talks about how much she can't stand niggas and how they're all the same, and so on and so forth. Well, one of my homeboys approached me today and was tellin me about the message he sent her on myspace. The message was to get over it, to think about herself for once, and to stop being an idiot. I asked him why he sent that...he said that he just had to. He claims that in a brutal sort of way, he was trying to help her out. Her m.o. is basically to fall sick in love with whoever is paying her a lil bit of attention...and by attention, I mean gettin head from her and havin her cook and shit (again, I'm not proud of some of the things I've done...Single Erika really is off the hook)...and then when she finally sees that the person doesn't feel the same, she gets ANGRY. Well, it's been almost a year since I went down that road with her and about every 2 or 3 months, I'll suddenly get an angry text message from her saying things like "I wish I never met you." and "I hate the day I met you." and "I regret ever dealin with you." Those types of things. I'll ask her what's wrong and it always turns out that she's done put all her feelings in somebody and they squash she gets mad all over again at everybody that came before the current heartbreaker. So, each time she gets her feelings hurt, it's just another person added on to the long list of niggas that have used her and left her hangin...and I'm on that list. And she goes down the list each time she's feeling upset and sends a stupid text. Once, I just asked her if saying those things to me makes her feel any better. Does it make her current heartache disappear? Does it make her a bigger person? I could tell she felt real stupid, but I made her answer each and every question. So, now that he's done sent her that rude message on myspace, I know she's gonna get all into her feelings and it's gonna be on. I told him to stop thinking about himself because he doesn't realize that everybody she's ever dealt with is gonna pay for that message. I can already feel it. I'm giving her two days before she's sendin a bunch of stupid stuff. Blah.


Sunday, February 22, 2009

i participated in the "25 random things about me" madness...

1. I strip as soon as I get in the door. Not all the way nekkid, but shoes, socks, pants, and shirt definitely come off. I'm most comfortable in boxers and a beater and that's how I like to be. I just don't like clothing. So, as soon as I get inside, I take my outfit off. It amazes my girlfriend...especially the first time we ever met. We will walk inside and within 45 seconds, I'm in my draws. I don't even like to stay out late because after awhile, I start feeling like I want to take my clothes off....when I'm out, that urge to yank my clothes off is my signal that it's time to go home. And this stripping as soon as the door is shut behind me does not just apply at night....each and every time I get inside, it's clothes off. Yes, I technically "get dressed" sometimes 5 or 6 times a day.

2. I have triple D breasts, but still get mistaken for a man at least once a week. This doesn't concern me in terms of gender. That's okay. Call me a man all day. Shanee calls me "boy" when I'm in trouble, lol and we've had quite a few discussions about gender because she says I'm a man with breasts and a period. I don't get bent out of shape when people in stores say "sir" or the white boy at my local Starbucks calls me "bro." The way I see it, it's just words and they aren't said in a disrespectful way. So who cares? The thing about being mistaken for a man is the fact that I obviously just look like a fat man. And it's not the man part that bothers me. It's the fat part. I've reached a point where I'm so overweight that my breasts just look like really large man tits. And I wear an appropriately sized bra that has been correctly measured and fitted and I steer clear of the cheap ones from wal-mart. So even with all the support in the world, they still resemble oversized man tits. How sad.

3. I dry heave almost every day. Sometimes more. My stomach is just weak. Certain smells and sights just make me want to vomit.

4. I'm extremely sentimental, sensitive, and emotional. I wear my heart and my feelings just on the inside of my's still easy to hurt 'em, but I try my best to keep it concealed.

5. I'm embarrassed that I don't know much about black history. And ashamed that I don't care enough to educate myself.

6. I'm right-handed. Except for masturbation. Can't nobody do me like my left hand.

7. I'm not certain that there's 25 things about me that are random enough to list....

8. I am just like my father. Look just like him and act just like him. Shanee has asked me before if she reminds me of my mother. On a lot of levels, yes, she does. I look back over my parents' life and am absolutely scared to death of doing a repeat. Some things are within my control...and some things just aren't. I will do whatever I can to not be my father. I don't think I've actually voiced this concern to Shanee before, but I'm sure she'll understand when she reads it.

9. I'm unforgiving. Cross me once and we're typically not ever the same again. I'm not sure why I'm such a harsh critic of others, but I just am. I think it's one of the most unattractive things about myself. I'm probably missing out by writing people off, but I feel I'm also missing out on other relationships that I could have been fostering if I wasn't hanging on to people who have already proved to be capable of hurting me.

10. Farting doesn't bother me. I'm quite gassy myself. But burps turn me 100% off. There is nothing more unattractive than a pretty young lady who belches.

11. Honesty, integrity, and doing what's right are important to me. I may not always initially do the right thing, but it eats me alive until I confess, apologize, seek forgiveness, and then totally rectify the situation and vow to never repeat it. I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong. I'm not too prideful to apologize. And it drives me crazy when others don't seem to have any sense of right and wrong.

12. I tried desperately to be straight for a lot of years. Desperately. I was 23 years old before I quit faking the funk. And it turns out that I didn't really have anybody fooled anyway. I didn't really have to make a huge announcement...almost everybody, my parents included, already knew and was just waiting on confirmation. I guess my fat man appearance spoke for itself...but I always just tried to play it like I was a tomboy that never grew up. I wasn't fooling anyone.

13. I hate clothes, I hate shopping, and I have zero fashion sense. The only reason I have two closets full of nice things is because my girlfriend wouldn't have it any other way.

14. I currently have 50 wife beaters. And that's after I threw 6 away when I moved.

15. I am thrilled about summer for one reason: the return of Batwoman. This time, she's going to be the superhero of Gotham City in place of Batman...and she's a lesbian!

16. I like paying bills. Aside from my student debt, it drives me nuts to feel like I owe anything to anybody. My mom taught me when I was 20 and had my first apartment to sit down and write out all my bills at once...but I couldn't do that. As soon as a bill becomes available for me to view online, I pay it. It works better for me like that. I enjoy the sense of accomplishment and resting in the fact that I don't owe anything.

17. I've been on the brink of depression for about two weeks now. Walking a fine line. At any given moment, I can feel myself teetering and could go either way.

18. I discovered a Half-Price Bookstore around the corner from my new place. I was thrilled. I thought Amazon was the only place I could get a book for 4 dollars.

19. I love coffee, but today, I made the horrible mistake of drinking an entire pot between the hours of 9a and 1p. I ended up jittery, anxious, heart-racing, nervous, and just generally felt awful.

20. I love my girlfriend with a love that I didn't know I had inside of me.

21. No one believes me when I tell them that I had sex in a lecture hall at my college once.

22. I love Perez Hilton.

23. I've somehow managed to always have a bedroom with character. Pink as a child and didn't have any say in it, blue when I got old enough to ask for a makeover of my bedroom, slate gray with white sponge paint, sunshine yellow, eggplant wasn't until 3 years ago that I began having white walls.

24. I love God and believe in Jesus, but I go back and forth about church and organized religion...sometimes I'm with it and sometimes I'm not. Currently, I'm not.

25. There are two Erikas. Relationship Erika and Single Erika. They're complete opposites, but I love and enjoy them both.

bullshit & anger

Well, my father is off the hook. Just 100% off the hook. I don't even know what to say about it. It's really sad and it makes me angry. There is no help for that man. None. He told my mom that if he would have known he was going to get a blood transfusion, he would have never stopped smoking. What an idiot. I said that to my mom and I waited for her to reprimand me for calling my father an idiot, but she just laughed and said "i know!" He has said some really mean, evil, and ugly things about my mother and my brother and my yet-to-be born nephew....but then he sat and talked about his friends from work and got all choked up about how good they are to him. I couldn't believe it. I just looked at the tv and didn't acknowledge any of it. How dare he get all emotional about a fuckin coworker, but then speak about his family with disdain?? He sat at the doctor's office last week and began crying about how he's suddenly in the presence of good, caring people....but when my mom gives him his insulin shot at night, he calls her Dracula and said he feels like she enjoys causing him pain. My mom just rolled her eyes and was like "yeah, I fantasize at night about driving this needle into your arm sideways and jiggling it around just to watch you in agony." When he made that comment about the doctors being good, caring people, my mom just stared straight ahead and ignored him. What the hell does he mean, suddenly in the presence of good, caring people? These doctors have a job to do and that's why they're there. His family, we have a choice in the matter, we don't have to look out for him. We choose to. And he talks shit. But the people who have made it their life's work, who charge a lot of money to care for him, they are the ones that bring tears to his eyes. He's full of shit. I know it's a very insensitive way to feel, but it's the truth. He's full of pure shit. And he lied to me and my mother last week about something very important. That doesn't sit well with me. I'm so angry. If he wants to jack around with his own health, that's his prerogative. But the other things that he's lying about, they affect my brother and I in big ways and that's what I can't deal with. I'm so irritated. I've decided that I'm not going to the hospital today until this evening when my mother and brother come to the city to visit him. I can't do it alone. Some of the other decisions that he's made and the way he acts about things and the things he says to my mom are not acceptable. She has pretty much given up her life to him, like a good wife, for the past several months to do any and everything in her power to keep him healthy and happy and he turns on her at the drop of a dime. Her car wouldn't start yesterday and he told her "don't think for one second that I'm gonna sink a single penny into your car." What a dick. My mom runs a business that has barely stayed afloat in these economic times, why would he make her finance a repair? Why should she have to owe her mechanic 50 or 75 bucks a week for the next 2 months, when he has the money in the bank and could take care of it for her at once? He bawled all through their marriage ceremony, could barely complete the vows, but then doesn't act very much like a husband. I'm just sickened by all of it. I'm so glad that my mother is strong enough and has enough patience that he doesn't get to her, I thank God for that. He would have been dead if not for her, that's not a joke. God deals with each of us as He will and He has obviously chosen to care for my dad through my mom. His heart stopped yesterday and his defibrillator went off and stabilized him once again, and later that evening, he was back talking shit. I don't know how you can know full well that your heart stops and if not for a lil machine implanted in your chest to kick-start it again, you would surely die, and then sit back and say evil things about your family.

Friday, February 20, 2009

my child-like attempt at hospitalization

I wrote this yesterday. At work. I couldn't think about much else.

You, my father, are 55 years old
these are the years that are meant to be gold.
Instead, you are tired and extremely sick,
you can hardly walk because your legs are extra thick.
Your heart is failing and your health isn't good,
you need new organs and to stop eating food.
You can't walk without help or assistance,
you should have exercised with more persistence.
You're nearly bald head and case of cradle cap;
visible signs of aging and ailing, my mind can't trap.
Genetics and lifestyle have set you up to fail,
slipping up on you like a hunter to a quail.
I lean on God to help me get through,
to help me accept whatever it is, His view.
Your daughter, I am, and will forever be
it's obvious to anyone with eyes, all who can see.
Everyone remarks, "you look just like your dad!"
and I can only pray that my insides aren't as bad.
You're an honorable man...patient, honest, and wise;
I hope people see half of that when they look in my eyes.
In about 3 months, you will have a grandson;
it would mean more than anything if you could play and watch him run.
Thanksgiving Day, you and my mother again did wed
and I hope that in time, you can get back in bed.
I don't mean that in a lewd or sexual way!
You are just extremely uncomfortable when you attempt to lay.
With a bad attitude and exhausted is no way to live life,
selfish to say, but it's causing a lot of strife.
I'm hanging on to hope and what the Bible says,
the Lord is watching and is with you all your days.
I latch on to His promise that He's with me too,
and the rest of the family, for we really love you.
Life is not always fun and we never know what to expect,
but our health and our faith, we can surely never neglect.
They say that, somehow, everyone must go,
but I don't like to just sit back and go with the flow.
It's hard to accept, despite the faith of a thousand mustard seeds,
that you may not have time to perform many more good deeds.
I know that God is in control and will work it out,
but it's nearly impossible to not cry and pout.
I try to be happy and overcome the pain,
but how many nights will I endure the rain?
It's not fair, you are much too young....
You, my father, are 55 years old and
these are the years that are meant to be gold.

I often address poems to people about things that I'd like to say, but don't ever plan to.

My parents have been in the city since Monday for my dad to have tests done. They were at an appointment yesterday and the nurse took his blood pressure and said that it was extremely low...her exact words were "it's, call-the-ambulance low." He convinced her that he was going to the hospital for another appointment after that one and that he would inquire about it then. She accepted that and then took his blood sugar, which was also extremely low. She said "I'm not going to force you into an ambulance this time, but you are having some cookies and juice right now!" So she made him eat that and then they went to the hospital for his heart cath. His heart specialist walked in the room and took one look at him and said "no way!" His skin has been some funky yellow color all week long. Well, his skin is white in the first place so it's not a very big difference, but he kept downplaying it and wouldn't address that his skin was a different color. The doctor determined that he's jaundiced and that he didn't have enough blood in his body. He asked my dad if he'd had bloody stool and my dad said it's been dark for like 4 weeks. He'd never mentioned that to my mom before and she of course, stays far from the bathroom when he's in there, so she didn't have any way of knowing. So he's been having some bleeding from somewhere and just didn't tell anyone...and it's been like that for a month. So, his body was just low on blood period. That's why his pressure and sugar was so low. Scary. So, the doctor ordered him to be admitted to the hospital through Sunday and to get a blood transfusion. They are running tests and doing procedures to determine where he's losing blood. Halfway through the transfusion, his skin looked 100% better and he immediately felt better, was more alert, and had more energy. It's angering to me, that even though his health is really low, he still refuses to be proactive about it. How can you know that you have internal bleeding for a month and not say anything? He knows that all he has to do is say it to my mom, and she's going to immediately get him medical attention. Better yet, he's grown and he's not immobile...pick up the phone and call the doctor himself. But no. It took a heart surgeon to look at him and see that something was incredibly wrong. He said that when they switch his blood thinners, it happens...but never for this long and at this intensity.

I'm thinking of surprising him with some sushi later on, but I want to time it just right so that I get it there just in time for his dinner and hopefully prevent him from ordering a hospital dinner. I know that man and if there are two dinners available, he will eat two dinners. That's part of why he's in the predicament that he's in now. I'm gonna gather some reading material and update my iPod and head up to the hospital to hang for the day...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

on loneliness...

I am lonely. I have things to do and people to spend my time with, but it isn't what I want. I am sick of the long distance part of my relationship. Absolutely sick of it. I miss Shanee so damn bad, it's ridiculous. I hate that we can only talk on the phone and through text. Regardless of how much we love each other and how tight our bond and connection is, we still are apart. It is so depressing. I hate to sound codependent, but I am tired of going to bed alone, waking up alone, coming home from work to an empty apartment, eating meals alone, having sex by myself, just everything. Shanee asked me why don't I make it more of a point to hang out with friends and go out more to get out of the house. I had to explain to her that it's not the house I'm trying to avoid. It's being alone in the house. And even then, I'm sure I could scrap up enough friends to have a gathering every evening if I wanted to, but I'm not interested in that type of company. I want Shanee, and that's it. My friends are a pleasant distraction for a few hours, but it's unfulfilling because after we part ways, I'm back to being alone. They say that there's something wrong with a person who can't just be alone with themselves. But I'm alone with myself alllll the time and I'm over myself. I want to share my company with the person I love. Hanging out with friends every spare moment that I have and going out just doesn't satisfy what I'm 25.5 years old (yeah, i said point 5), I'm ready to settle down and share my life with the person I intend to spend the rest of it with. I'm just really not doing well with this distance at all. I got off the phone with Shanee approximately ten minutes into a conversation tonight because I felt myself growing sad and refused to whine, complain, cry, and whatever else I may have done. Because of everything going on with my father and all of the uncertainty that comes with it, I'm already pretty down and then factor in loneliness and it doesn't really make for pleasant conversation. She deals with it each and every day. I decided that tonight, I was not going to go there with her. I could hear the exhaustion in her voice and I wanted her to have just one night where she could just go to sleep without having to worry about me and all my concerns. Plus, I think it's healthy for me to be able to soothe myself sometimes.

The good news is that I'm buying a plane ticket tomorrow. I had kind of been holding out because I wanted to have the final verdict on whether my father is going to get placed on the transplant list or not before I decided to leave town. Yesterday at lunch, my mom asked me when the next time I'm going to see Shanee is and I admitted that I was waiting to buy my ticket. Her and my father both encouraged me to go. They said that there isn't any reason for me not to go and enjoy my visit. I definitely plan to. I'm glad that despite everything going on, my parents still encourage me to live my own life and attain my own happiness when I feel that it's kind of selfish to do that right now.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

this day...

I didn't get adequate sleep last night. I kept waking up, my new mattress sucks somethin awful, my neck was hurting. I woke up unhappy. Even though my mattress sucks, it was still extremely hard to peel myself out of the sheets when I finally decided to get a move on. The morning didn't get much better. I went and met my parents and we stopped and got coffee and then we went to my dad's second appointment of the day. On top of being exhausted, my parents wore me out further. Talking over each other, being disorganized, my mom was in one of her moods where if she said anything and anybody disagreed, she was ready to fight. However, she was doing things that made no sense...asked me to get out of the car and help my father into his wheelchair, then say that she wants me to wait for her and she'll come with me to park the car. Why? There was no reason for it...but in order to save an argument, I just didn't say anything. Then we got inside the waiting room and since we were an hour late, the nurse was like "come back immediately so we can get'll have to fill out the paper work while we get him prepped for the tests." My mom hands me the paper work and starts to push my dad towards the door that the nurse is holding open. I know my dad's name and address...and that's about it. I haven't committed his medical history to memory yet...I don't know his social security number.....I don't know his list of current medications and dosages. Just all those things...why on earth would she think it was a good idea for me to sit in a separate room and attempt to fill that out. When I handed it back to her and told her they needed to do it, she was all like "well, I just thought you could fill that out while we're back here." No. She snatched the papers and rolled her eyes as she tried to wheel my dad away in a huff. I know her patience is thin and her energy levels are low due to dealing with my father 24/7, but no reason for rationality to fly out the window as well. So I sit in the waiting room...for 2 hours. It was horrible. I read every single magazine they had available....approximately the last 8 issues of Newsweek, the last 2 People magazines, and all the different literature that doctor's offices have about new medications, medical studies, diseases, that type of thing. I was so irritated. I was being stared at by people...I was the only person there under the age of 50, only one of 3 blacks, I was there alone, and I was there forever. People just kept staring at me. I didn't know if they were so intrigued because of race, my youth, my style of dress, my size, my general appearance (short hair, no makeup, freckled face, sleepy eyes). I have no clue. It got annoying though. Apparently, it was written all over my face because when my parents finally emerged from the exam room, they both made a mess of themselves trying to apologize for taking so long, saying they weren't aware that it was going to be such a long visit, and saying they could tell immediately from looking at me that I was not happy.

After my long stint in the waiting room, we went to a Japanese Steakhouse for lunch. My dad ordered 4 things on the menu. Two types of sushi, shrimp tempura, and steak and rice. I couldn't help myself. I told him that he was absolutely ridiculous and he had no business eating like that. He ignored my mother and I, she had backed me up in what I said. We sat there and ate and my mom told me all her plans to spoil the baby when it gets here. Damian is in for some good fun. I had looked at the ultrasound pictures and it was sooo neat....he looks just like my brother. Absolutely like him. High cheeks, a big head, a lil wide flat nose with huge nostrils. I'm so excited for him to get here!

There were several other things said and incidents that took place at lunch that I'll spare the details on..but I was not happy when we left. I was exhausted from jump, then just grew increasingly irritated as the day went on. By the time I was supposed to go to work, I debated whether or not I should even go. Being tired and in a bad mood is a recipe for disaster when dealing with customers. Luckily, I was offered the opportunity to just go watch the gas station for the evening. I gladly accepted. I sat out there and texted, listened to the radio, and watched people pump gas. There was a bin full of magazines in there...and again, I sat and read every publication possible. I really packed my brain with some good information today...politics, technology, spiritual things, a lot of health-related articles. Right when work was about to end, the market team of managers arrived at our store. They NEVER visit at night. Someone was about to lose their job!

That was the day. I'm still exhausted and still kind of irritable. I'm really trying to shake this and keep on living life despite everything going on with my father and how it has affected our family. It is beginning to take a toll on me, I can tell. I just don't feel the same. I have to practice so much patience with my family that I have literally zero for anyone else. Shanee remarked that she could hear the sadness in my voice. I'm so happy to have her...she does her fair share of getting on my nerves, but at the end of the day, she's the one who bears the brunt of my emotions. I cry to her, complain to her, voice all my concerns to her. She hears it all. I've never had a connection like that with anyone else before and I was really missing out. At times, I feel bad...she deserves a girlfriend who's just as positive and happy as she is. Due to what's going on, that's hit or miss with me right now. She met me at a happier time in my life and she knows that my personality just naturally tends to be more on the serious side, but I sometimes fear that she may grow weary from my heavy-heartedness. I don't want to be a burden to her.


Monday, February 16, 2009

sick father & bein a sidepiece

When I got off work today, I came home and chilled for awhile and then met my parents at their hotel and we went to dinner. It was good conversation and good food. It was tough seeing my dad...the last time I saw him, he didn't need a cane to walk...but he definitely does now. It was hard to take. My mom requested that I attend the doctor appointments tomorrow morning before I go to work at 2 and I agreed...should be interesting. I'm considering calling in to work because the appointment that I really want to go to is the one where he meets with the transplant surgeon, but it's later in the day.

It was disappointing friend that I said in a previous post was considering sexing her ex (they were never truly "together" they were just flirting and messing around)....well, she did just that this weekend. And only kind of felt bad about it. I wanted to ask her a question, but didn't want to offend her. I honestly feel that she doesn't respect his new relationship because she's never truly had a solid relationship with anyone. Never been in love. Never had a commitment. She's never tasted heartbreak. I considered just asking her if this is why it didn't matter to her that he had a girlfriend...because she's never valued a relationship, she can't see what's so terrible about being someone else's sidepiece. I know full well that it's his relationship to disrespect if he chooses, but I think she's better than that. It's discouraging, disheartening, and upsetting to think about the amount of people that just don't give a fuck...about their own relationships or those of others. Maybe I'm old fashioned or something, but relationships just aren't casual to me. They aren't just somethin to do for fun. You don't go tampering with 'em! (Is it obvious that all the sneakin and creepin that my parents have done over the years has had lasting effects on me?!)

I'm exhausted all the way around and don't feel well. More tomorrow, perhaps.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

finding money and fake titties

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I worked until 4:30ish and then clocked out. I decided to pick up a few groceries from Sam's before I went home. As I'm casually strolling through the store, I saw a 20 dollar bill on the floor. I walked over to it slowly, glanced around to ensure that nobody saw me, picked it up, and shoved it in my pocket. For some reason, I began to feel guilty about it. That money belonged to someone. What if someone missed it? What if they actually realized where they lost it? What if they retraced their steps and actually remembered pulling their wallet out in aisle 18? What if they come back and ask the management if anybody turned in a 20? What if the management decides to watch the tapes and they have me on camera pocketing the bill? Would I be in trouble? Does it matter that I wasn't on the clock? Or is it just enough that I am an employee there? Finders keepers, right? Despite asking myself all those questions, I still kept the money...and went right up to the front and paid for my groceries with it. I still feel kind of sick inside about it. I've been fortunate enough to find a 10 dollar bill before and I've found a few ones before and a few fives. But I've never just walked right up on a 20. Twenty dollars doesn't do too much for anybody anymore....but with the state of the economy right now, I can imagine someone being pressed enough over 20 dollars to actually come back in the store and ask if it was found. I guess I'll just see what happens. I'm kind of kicking myself...20 dollars isn't worth my job and it isn't worth feeling this stress.

After I made it home, I just chilled and ordered pizza. I had planned to spend the evening on the phone with Shanee, just choppin it up for the night with my babygirl since I couldn't actually see her. But I ended up on the phone with my parents and it put a different tone to the evening. My father is just depressing. He's officially 6 days without cigarettes and so he's extremely edgy and irritated. My mom said to just forget about everything he said to me because he's being an ass to everyone right now. He told me I need to get a better paying job because I'm too smart to be working at Sam's. I know that he's right about that, but I don't think he realizes that I've been trying for months now. He told me that I need to try harder. He said that I need to make things happen and "quit texting all day." He said that I need to quit whining and complaining. I guess the things he said aren't that bad, but they stung. It pales in comparison to what he said to my aunt. She was joking around and pretended that she was gonna sit on his lap and he told her that he can't support her fat ass. She's had a stroke that's left her emotionally impaired...she has no control over her emotions and her medication doesn't do much. She began to cry and she tripped over her feet and she fell down. Apparently the thud shook the whole house and she just laid on the ground and cried and laughed at the same time. My dad laughed at her and told her to get her ass up. She typically calls him about twice a day, but he hasn't heard from her since that incident and refuses to call and apologize. He's just evil these days. Unhappy with his predicament and fiendin' for some nicotine.

Talking about that plus some other on-going situations with my parents and family pretty much killed my mood for the night, so by the time Shanee and I got settled on the phone, I was cryish and unhappy. We talked for a lil while and then went to bed. So much for spending Valentine's Day on a "date" on the phone with my love.

I realize something. I've been watching a lot of lesbian films on Netflix and then shows like the L word with so many soft-core sex scenes and they all have one thing in them that catches my attention each and every time. The thing that catches my attention and has come strongly to my realization...I'm not a big fan of natural breasts, aside from Shanee's (i love her's). I have a preference for big full fake ones. Maybe it comes from watching too much porn. That's the only exposure to fake breasts I've ever had. I had a class with one girl one semester who had implants...I'd always suspected it, but I got my confirmation one day. This other chick asked her if they were real...her response: "yes, real expensive." But that doesn't really count as exposure. I was never exposed to them, lol...or, they were never exposed to me, that's probably more accurate. But anyhow, maybe I should cut back on my porn-watching. Few of the "actresses" resemble real-life women and it's probably not healthy that natural breasts don't peak my interest.


Friday, February 13, 2009

Random lil entry...

I hate it when I have dreams that completely speak to the insecurities that I face in my waking life. Absolutely hate it. I wake up feeling like such a loser. Life is stressful enough during wakefulness, why do I have to worry in my sleep too?

Yesterday was kool. I was off from work, so I woke up and chilled and sipped coffee leisurely until mid-afternoon. My mom kept calling and working my very last nerve, but she eventually stopped. I went and worked out, showered, and got dressed. Then I went out to dinner with a group of friends from of our friends got pregnant senior year and packed up and went back to her parents' house in Michigan and last night was the first time we'd seen her since like 2007. She was still silly and crazy as ever. It was only a mildly good time though...much of the conversation was about boys (boring), and I think I made one of my friends cry before we even left her apartment. At that point, it was just her and I sitting there waiting on the others. She told me that she was considering having sex with her ex, who is in a new relationship now. Now, she had initially told me this several months ago and I've always maintained that it's a bad idea. But last night, I'd had enough. I told her it was a horrible idea. That she needed to get her own man. I told her that she wouldn't like it if she were in a relationship and the boy talked to his ex about having sex all the time. Told her she's going to end up with her feelings hurt and looking stupid. Told her it wasn't going to end well and that nothing good would come from it. Asked her why she even remotely thinks it's a good idea. She just looked at me. She eventually turned her face away and wouldn't look at me for several minutes. I think I made her feel stupid, but she knew that what I was saying was true.

My parents are coming to Indianapolis next week to spend 3 days in a hotel because my father has to get all the necessary tests ran and the final approval to be put on the list for a heart transplant. He's really emotional about it, but I'm feeling optimistic. I hope and I pray that he can get a heart and regain his health and get his life back. Right now, he mopes around the house, depressed and scared, and he's absolutely evil.

I wanted desperately to do something this evening. Anything not to sit in the house by myself. Nobody has any money or the time. I did get invited to a bachelorette party, but figured it would be really random to go since I don't know the bride-to-be or anybody else that would be in attendance. Plus, I feel out of place at those types of events.


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

L word Sex

I told Shanee that the next time we see one another, we're gonna have sex like they do on the L word. First, I'm gonna approach her and say something that's either semi-aggressive or extremely vague, then I'm going to back her up against a wall and shove my tongue down her throat and then 10 seconds later, I've got her clothes off and her back is to me. We're gonna be breathin all crazy, rubbin on each other all hard and vigorous, I told her she's gotta throw her arm around the back of my neck and we have to rock to a rhythm while my hands do the work and then we're gonna shudder to a climax within 5 seconds of each other. Haha...

I broke down and used the Starbucks gift card today. It didn't last long. It was kind of a treat to myself for having to endure a vaginal exam, not to mention a 20-minute wait in the waiting room, plus filling out all my paper work again because the computer system crashed at the office. But tomorrow, back to Folgers...

The girl from yesterday's post was shaadddyyy at work today. Had nothing to say to me and absolutely zero eye contact. It wasn't like that yesterday. I guess knowing that somebody deleted your number makes you not want to talk to them or lay eyes on them. It was kind of amusing. What does she expect? You can't play me completely to the left just because life gets rough sometimes and then just decide you can handle being friends with me again.

I wore my muscles in my legs all the way down today during my workout. I feel like my thighs are about to fall apart, like the muscles are just about to separate. I wonder what it will be like in the morning... :-/

sleep is quickly approaching...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

if you wanna get gone...then get gone.

I got a text from a random number earlier this evening...

random - hey, i heard some of the Grey's characters were leaving, that sucks
me - who's this?
random - **** from work. dang, did you erase my number or somethin?
me - oh. yeah, i did. along with every other number that i don't use anymore.
her - oh.
me - but yeah, that does suck. i don't blame them for leavin though.


It never ceases to amaze me when people want to treat me funny or be through with me, then when it's good for them, they wanna come back around and be kool. The thing that kills me is that 95% of the time, I didn't do anything...and they're typically pretty quick to say so..."you didn't deserve it, it was me." Yeah, I already knew that, thanks. It's unfortunate, but once this happens, the relationship is typically never the same again. Especially in the cases in which I wasn't being treated like I deserved or the person just up and decided they didn't wanna fuck with me anymore, just disappeared without notice. Call me unforgiving, but there isn't much coming back after that. The person in the conversation used to work in my department. We were kool to an extent, but when she left my department for a better paying position in another department, we weren't that kool anymore, but I did begin going to her house to watch Grey's Anatomy on Thursday evenings. But one week, she waited until right before the show was about to start and cancelled. Then she did it again the next week. At that point, I didn't even make plans to watch it with her. She quit talking to me at work. She would turn her head when I smiled or said hi to her. She just turned into somethin else. I pulled her aside one day and asked what was going on. She said she was going through some things. Well, unless your cable got disconnected (which I realize it may have), we can still hang out to watch our show. She just wasn't feelin it...and she seemed generally just disinterested in being friends period. So I went on about my business. Lo and behold, about 2 months later, I'm getting texts asking me to come watch Grey's with her and she hopes I haven't replaced her with another buddy to watch the show with (what she wasn't aware of is that she was actually somebody else's replacement as my Grey's buddy...another person that came before her that just opted to quit me). I just kind of ignored the questions and declined her invitation. She gets a head-nod out of me at work these days. I just fail to see how people think it's okay to utilize the option to drop in and out of other people's lives with no explanation or warning. Of course, it's always an option. But why take it unnecessarily? People are so devastated when their lover or significant other just up and leaves....luckily, I've never had that happen, but I'm just as shocked and upset when friends do it. And just like the heartbroken person who got left, I'm skeptical when they come crawlin back.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I'm so lonellllyyyy....I have nobodddyyyyyy....

(the title is for you, Shanee...lolol)

The best part of waking Folgers in my cup!

I've made the decision to quit Starbucks. Fiscally, it doesn't make a lot of sense to drink my daily coffee there. I've got a gift card with about 5 bucks on it that I'm saving to use on a day when I just absolutely need it. (Yes, it's that bad.) I've decided to just wake up in enough time to brew my coffee here at home. I'm only on day 3 of this decision, so we'll see...

It felt good to sleep in today. I woke up and kind of dozed in and out for about an hour and a half, but just to lay in bed felt marvelous. I'm considering just not even leaving my apartment today. Just stay job applications....maybe do my taxes....use a ton of water and do like 12 loads of laundry. That type of thing.

Last night, my friend L, the one I wrote about a few weeks ago about dropping, came over. I've decided to just keep a light friendship with her. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm selfish, but I made the decision out of loneliness. Most of my friends that are my age are either married, live with their boyfriend like they're married, have kids, or are in school. Nobody that I actually like and enjoy spending time with has the time to just entertain me. By entertain, I just mean eat with, watch movies with, just somebody to talk to. People have their own lives. Maybe I need a hobby or to get involved in the community somehow. Anyhow, L has the potential to be good company and she seems to enjoy mine. So, kind of out of desperation, I decided to hang with her last night. I cooked lemon pepper tilapia, mashed sweet potatoes, mixed veggies, and baked a pan of brownies. We ate and were in the middle of the movie "Se7en" when drama unfolded. L's mom called and said she was sick of the shit her dad was doing, she followed him when he left the house and he wasn't where he said he was going to be, and she was going to ask him for a divorce when he got home from Lord knows where. L got all worked up into a frenzy and was yelling, crying, and freakin the fuck out. She tried to call her mom and suggest that her mom confront him the next morning as opposed to in the middle of the night after he'd been drinking. Her mom wouldn't hear of it...she had the courage at that moment and was burning mad, so it was then or never. I tried to tell L that it was her parents' concern and that she couldn't do anything about it...she was inconsolable. I got mad when she began raising her voice and clapping her hands at me. I just decided not to say wasn't my fault that her dad is a dickbag. She was scared to go home and I kind of felt sorry for her. But lonely or not, it will probably be another couple weeks before I hang with her again.

I know that when in a relationship, you have to sometimes put your own wants and desires behind the other person's happiness and comfort. Relationships are about sacrifice. I know this. But here lately, I've kind of been in a general state of dissatisfaction about Shanee and I's communication. She's taking a full load of classes, she's active on campus, she works about 15 hours a week, and she has a pretty decent social calendar. My baby is not lame by any means, but she's quiet and not very outgoing. When I met her, she didn't have any friends. Me, her two best friends since forever, her family, and one quirky boy named Rufus was pretty much it....she was available at all times to talk to me. Whenever I wanted, I could just call her up and we would talk for hours. She called me all the time too. But now, shit is just different. After work and school, she's got homework and commitments to the organization that she's in and the intramural basketball team she's on, and she's got a new group of friends that she enjoys hanging out with. She's 21 and a senior in's only natural for her to be social and be wanting to go out and hang out as much as she can. She calls me as much as she between things and when she has a spare moment and we always talk before bed. But somehow, I want more. I feel that since our situation is different, there's 600 miles between us, I feel like she should make more time for me. Am I just being selfish? Do I expect too much? I just wish she would skip plans with friends once in awhile to stay home specifically to just talk to me without me having to ask for it. I'm jealous of her friends because they get to spend time with her and I don't. She tells me not to be jealous because our connection is tighter than with any of her friends and the time we spend is a million times more special, but I can't help it really. I want to spend time with her! I hate saying goodbye and hanging the phone up because her friends have arrived. When she tells me about her plans to play wii and watch the L word with her girls, it makes me so sad....I wanna go too! She always tells me she wishes I could come and that her friends wanna meet me and I do believe her when she says those things...but it doesn't make it go away. I want to be with her doing those things!! I know that if things go as planned, we will only be apart for another few months and then we'll be living under one roof and it won't matter how packed her schedule is because I'll be along for the ride. I kinda feel like I need to just get a life. Because I'm bored with my life, I focus on hers and just want to be a part of everything she does. It's kind of lame now that I really think about it. But it's true.


Saturday, February 7, 2009

a blank

So many things worth writing about...swimming through my mind....and I just don't feel like writing....

Friday, February 6, 2009

moving & boredom

I'm finally all settled in my new apartment. My mom, brother, and uncle came to spend the day with me on Sunday to help transport all my belongings. I got it all in and by Wednesday, everything was set up, put away, in place, and ready for me to "live." So far I'm really liking it. I'm glad I picked this place.

Aside from the new apartment, I find myself bored with life lately. My job is an absolute bore. Due to the snow and recession/depression that we're in the midst of, there is nobody out shopping. And the truth of the matter is, the people that are out shopping are not buying cameras and pictures. They are buying groceries and other necessities. So, my department has been running a decrease in terms of sales and that's no good. On top of that, Sam's Club is staying afloat by running on as little manpower as possible. We have no payroll basically. All the part time people are lucky to get approximately 18 hours per week. They are inadvertently asking the full-timers to help out and get off the clock by encouraging things like "extended lunches" and "half days." Anyway, there aren't many customers coming in, so there isn't a lot to do. For instance, today I passed the time by writing the schedules out all the way until mid-April. We do maintenance on the equipment, but there's only so many tests we can run and so many things we can clean and maintain. After awhile, you start staring off into space and drooling. I personally find myself saving the maintenance tasks for my associates because they really need things to do to keep busy. One of them is known for leaving the department and roaming the sales floor and spending a lot of time with a certain young lady at the service desk. The other one will get on the phone. I am struggling to find things for them to do. The other day, I asked the Roamer to clean the baseboards of the flooring...that's how far out of things to do we were.

Aside from the boredom at work, each day I am faced with the daunting question: to make plans for the evening, or sit at home alone? Tonight I've opted to stay in by my lonesome and get some things accomplished: more job applications, write a blog, grocery shop, read, taxes. I'm re-reading the E. Lynn Harris books for fun and in honor of his new book that came out on Jan. 27 that I have yet to obtain.

Shanee continues to be a bright spot in my life. She makes me happy. I did, however, manage to piss her off so bad the other night that she didn't want to talk to me. She opted to just go to bed and talk to me the next day. That's never happened before. It was alarming. I was extremely upset and just decided to call her up anyway. We talked through it and got back on the right foot. (Lord knows I hate bein' on the left!) I've made a mental note to never push the buttons I pushed that night. I just hate the distance between us. It gets harder each and every day. The complications and problems that arise are strictly a result of the 600 miles between us. The only reason we even had a problem the other day was because of distance. It was a huge misunderstanding that wouldn't have ever even came up had we been in the same city. I just hope time passes quickly and we can find ourselves in more of a normal situation.

More tomorrow...