Sunday, August 16, 2009

finally, the fair

Yesterday was a glorious day. I slept until after noon, played on the computer almost the whole day, video chatted with the girlfriend, just had a nice afternoon. (If it hasn't been obvious to anyone, I've been in a funk for about two weeks, perhaps longer. Just funky.) I'm happy to say that my chin is back up, my spirits are high, and I'm ready to be more than just "blah" all the time. I actually enjoy time to myself, I don't drive myself crazy if I'm alone or without activity for more than a few hours. I'm an extrovert by nature, so when I'm feeling unhappy, it's double hard to just sit alone. Now I'm back to being able to handle it and be comfortable with it. 

That evening, I went out to eat with a friend, Lizzy. Another of our friends was supposed to come with us, but she ended up having other obligations. We ate at Olive Garden, went to Trader Joe's in search of this particular wine, went to Cold Stone, then Dave and Buster's. We were driving along and Lizzy was looking at the stores and buildings we were passing and I guess her eyes didn't focus properly because she was like "What's Dave and Jamiyah's?" So that's what we called Dave and Buster's for the rest of the night. It was hilarious.

When we were done winning all our tickets, we parted ways. As we were leaving, another friend invited me to TGI Friday's. I went for lack of anything better to do. It was her and her friend Nisha. Nisha is really nice, every man that sees her tries to get on, she's cute. We've met on a trillion occasions. The friend that we have in common seems to always invite the two of us to do things, so we've hung out a million times. But I get the feeling that this girl does not want to be my friend outside of the mutual friendship that we have. I don't know if it's just because I don't strike her as cool enough or funny enough or I just don't seem like the type of person that she gets close to. Or if she doesn't feel comfortable befriending a lesbian. I don't know what it is. But she definitely holds me at arm's length. We were all planning a road trip once and I told them that I would look up hotel information and text it. I looked at her and said, "I don't have your number.." and she replied, "no, you don't." And looked at me. She wasn't going to give it either, obviously. In my head, I was like, "oh.." It was a bit odd for the next 10 minutes or so. It isn't like I only met her last month...I've known her for three years. We hold conversation. Our friend was on the phone last night for awhile and she and I carried on a decent conversation. When we had went to the casino a few weeks ago, our friend sat at the roulette table for about 2-3 hours and her and I walked around together and played the slot machines and had a good time. Or so I thought. She obviously doesn't want me contacting her though and I guess I have to respect that, but it's kind of weird. 

I finally got to go to the fair today. One of my friends from freshmen year of college came in town and wanted to go, so I jumped at the opportunity. I've wanted to go since it started, but no one has been willing to go with me. Excuses range from they've already been, it's too hot, they don't like the fair, they aren't comfortable there without having a child with them...just anything. I remarked to Shanee that it's kind of sad that I had to wait for someone from out of town to go with me. None of my friends here would go. I respect and understand that sometimes people just don't want to do things, so they won't. But if these same people contact me and ask me to go somewhere or do something, I typically do it. Simply because they asked. It wasn't going to hurt anyone to go twice, or to sweat a little, or to smile and make the best of it, or just get over the fact that they're an adult who came to the fair and not just purely for the amusement of a child. I'm not asking for anything expensive. I'm not suggesting that we go somewhere far away or extremely time-consuming. The fair is a pretty decent racial mix and all different kinds of people go, so it's not expecting anyone to step into some environment where they'd be the only one or something [not that there's anything wrong with that, I do it all the time]. I'm not suggesting a rare cuisine...there's food at the fair for everyone. There's all different types of music. I don't care much for the livestock, so we wouldn't have to go near the stinky barns. Basically, what it comes down to, is that I feel like it's shitty that the one time I want to do something that isn't the same old shit we always do, no one is down for it. It was so simple, just the state fair. I'm cool with a few people who pretty much do everything on their own because they can't rely on anyone else. I am about to seriously try my damndest to adopt that attitude. If no one is down to go somewhere that I want to go, I'll just go alone. That's hard for me because I typically feel that 75% of an experience is the company you're with. That's what sets things off, that's what makes things for me. But I will definitely find some sort of middle ground that I'm comfortable with because I won't miss anything else due to lack of someone to go with. Shanee always tells me that if she were here, she'd go with me. I know that it's true because when we're together, I'm always wanting to do something that she has zero interest in, but she smiles and does it anyway because I want to. That's what girlfriends do. So maybe I won't have to be in that situation much longer anyhow...

Well, it's only 10 and I am seriously considering going to bed already...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

my brother doesn't like me

I got a massage this evening. It was glorious. I'm so excited to get more. One bad thing did happen though; the masseuse sneezed on my legs. Not blatantly....but I felt a slight spray. 

One of my friends is in town with his wife. I love 'em both, they're great people...but I am a little irritated. More like hurt. They came in town on the 5th. I didn't find out until the 11th. And not from them, I heard it through a mutual friend who also didn't know, she ran into them at a party. I texted him. He didn't seem too concerned about the fact that he hadn't contacted me. I decided to give the benefit of the doubt and try to hang out with him that night. He asked if I wanted to go for coffee at 11. I had to remind him of where he was...Starbucks in Indianapolis closes at 10...and 11 was too late anyhow. So he asked if they could just come over. I agreed, told them to come at 9ish. At 10:30, the phone rang and he was asking if I still wanted company. Um, no. Then 7:15 he told me he'd call me in an hour. He called at 10:30 again. Again, no. This time I reminded him that I'm not in college anymore and I don't just serve tables part time. I cannot just stay up all night like I used to. I work full time and work out 10 hours a week...I have to sleep at night. We have lunch plans tomorrow and I hope he doesn't fuck them up. I'm annoyed that twice he has completely disregarded what I've said to him. If he shits on our plans tomorrow, I'm not even sure that it's worth really talking about with him...

I was upset yesterday because I was talking to my brother and he mentioned that he and his fiance brought the baby to the city last weekend. He was like "we thought about ya!" My jaw hit the floor. "You didn't call me?!" He, too, wasn't too concerned about the fact that he came into town and didn't bother to say shit to me. I understand that people don't come in town specifically to see me, but would it be too awful to let me know...perhaps try and meet for lunch or something? Then he made it worse when he said that he's coming again this weekend to have dinner with our cousin and was like, "do you wanna go have a drink or something when we're done?" I was like "whoa, so I'm not invited to dinner?" He was like "oh yeah, sure, you can come!" Uh...thanks? I know that he's super proud of his new little family and I know that doesn't always include Aunt E, but geez...I don't ever go in town and not contact him. I feel left out. 

I'm considering posting some before and after pictures to document my weight loss. They won't be true "before" pictures because I'm 25 pounds down, but I could still snap a picture or two to compare to pictures of when I'm all the way down to where I want to be. I was thinking of a sports bra and boxers. Of course I'd have to ask Shanee what she thought about it first, just out of respect. Even though I'd be more covered than what she is in her swim suit, it's still draws we're talkin about. I got the idea because a few people have asked how my progress is going...and a certain somebody had a hilarious dream about my muscles being ripped beyond belief. I'm not exactly sure why these two things made me wanna post pictures of myself not fully, but they did. I don't even know if anyone wants to see my half-nekkid body! Perhaps a beater? [I inquired. The answer is no. She said absolutely not. lol]

My sexual appetite has been off the hook the past few weeks. Like, really ridiculous. I'm easily turned on...way more easily than my norm. It's becoming problematic. I cannot wait to go be with my baby in a couple weeks.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

one mile

I went to the movies last night and saw The Collector. We missed the first 5 minutes of the movie, and obviously missed something crucial because I was lost and confused the entire movie. It was scary though, just didn't seem to have a purpose. Anyhow, one of my friends that has been socially unavailable all summer due to no childcare and working 50 hours a week at an unpaid internship is now back on the social scene and available to do things. I'm glad for it. That's who I went with and we had a good time.

It's 10pm on a Saturday night and I'm in the house, in sweat pants on, my face already washed, glasses on. I suppose I could have found something else to do, just elected not to. I'm kind of sorry that I didn't make plans, but part of me feels content to just chill here by myself. I'd better embrace that because it's a fleeting feeling.

I was supposed to go to a wedding today. One of my friends from high school that I also went to college with married her very first boyfriend, her very first everything, that we met our freshmen year of college. I thought it was cool that they invited me since I haven't talked to either of them in about 4 years. I decided it would be fun to go and catch up with everyone, so I rsvp'd and said I'd be there. But I got on the interstate today and my car started makin this crazy sound as soon as I hit 70mph. Nope. Not me, not today (I love Russy on Run's House). I turned around and went back home. I'll send my gift next week or something. I spent the afternoon with another friend instead. We went to Olive Garden (whole wheat linguine isn't THAT bad, even though there's nothing like pasta made from white flour) and then this specialty cupcake shop. It was delicious. After that, we couldn't settle on anything to do, so we just rolled around the central part of the city, north of downtown. She brought me home and I've just been sittin on my ass the rest of the evening. Reading the news and whatnot. 

My mom and my girlfriend are a little scared and worried by my obsession with murder. I love reading murder books and finding out all the information I can about serial killers and certain cases. This weekend is the 40th anniversary of the Manson murders, and TIME did a whole spread about it. Speaking more about my fascination with murder, Shanee thinks I'm absolutely crazy for once having made the statement, "My favorite murder is the Martha Moxley case." She thought it was disgusting that a person would even have something like a favorite murder. Sorry, I just do. Her and my mother both are a little concerned about sleeping in the same house as me. A few years ago when my family traveled to Wisconsin to visit family, I made everyone stop at Jeffrey Dahmer's old house where he did all his psychotic activities. There's a huge fence around it and I hopped it and made my cousin take pictures of me inside it, clinging to the inside of the fence, as if I was trying to escape. Maybe it is a tad bit

Speaking of health though, my ass can officially run a mile. I bit through the pain and pressed it out. And I'm happy to have reached a point where I'm not even in pain afterward! I got a manicure and pedicure this morning and when the little China girl was massaging my lower legs, it hurt while she was doing it, but when I was done it felt better than I thought it should, which lets me know that my muscles definitely stood to benefit from the little rubdown. I've got some professional massages lined up for the near future and I'm pumped about 'em.

Studies have shown that the human mind is way more relaxed and whatnot when the space around them is clean and free of clutter. I went through my apartment yesterday morning and straightened up, then did some deep, used the attachments on my vacuum sweeper. It was completely worth it. I think I even slept better, falling asleep without a mound of clothes looking at me or a million pieces of paper all over every surface. I woke up feeling happy, not thinking to myself "damn erika, there's a lot of shit in here." It's pleasant walking into my apartment from being gone and seeing my shoes lined up in a row by the door and the rest of the apartment in order. I think I am going to start making myself really and truly clean every week....give the entire apartment the same attention I give the bathroom (weekly) and the kitchen (daily). Become some kind of neat freak.

I'm growing sleepy...

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

sick & tired

I love my girl. I really really do. But dammit if she doesn't disgust me at times. I'm sick and tired of it.

She's just selfish. If something isn't convenient for her at the moment or she just doesn't feel like doing something, trust and believe that she won't do it. If it isn't important to her or she doesn't directly stand to benefit from will be the last thing on her list of shit to do. I'd bet money on it. 

I get sick of it. 

I get tired of it.

She is the only person in the world who has the neverending ability to stomp the hell out of my last good nerve. 

Her selfishness combined with my general disgust for the attitudes she has does not make for a positive relationship...

I wonder how much time we've got left.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

i made her come

It's my birth month. I'm not excited. This will be my first birthday without my father. I know it will be sad and I'm just simply not looking forward to it. Plus, I'm turning another year older. And my life is in the exact same spot it was on last year's birthday...and the birthday before that. I'm sad about that. But it's giving me the motivation I need to make a life change. I am happy to report that one thing is different though: If I stay on track and work hard, I will turn 26 being 30 pounds lighter than I was when I turned 25. I've lost 20 pounds so far. It's exciting!

Another reason I'm not looking forward to my the end of this month and early next month, football preseason kicks off. My favorite person to talk shit with about the games is no longer present. I'm not sure how excited I am for the first Colts game of the season, or any game really. It just hurts that he isn't going to be here. I got my love of football from him. And I can't stand that we won't be texting one another during the games and I won't be calling him to discuss the highlights as I make my drunken way home from the bar on Sunday nights. 

This weekend brought some relief from my constant boredom. On Friday night, me and one of my friends and another of her friends that I've gotten kool with all went to a casino that's about 40 minutes away. It was really fun. I went with 100 dollars, blew it all, got back up to about 50, and ran it down to 20. I'd be willing to go again, but I think I'd rather have it be more of a party atmosphere. I wasn't expecting a bunch of middle aged chain smokers. We left out of there with headaches, stomach aches, burning eyes, and smelling like smoke. They did have a nonsmoking section, but all the fun was over with the smokers. There was one woman there who had us cracking up. She was about 4'5, didn't have a bra on with these little strange looking breasts, she had kinky twists (the worst hair style in the world), her lips were black, her eyes were all glazed over, and she had the rough voice that comes with strained vocal chords from smoking all her life. Her friend won $4,000 on a penny machine. And she lost her mind. "AAAGGGGGHHHH AAAGGGGHHHHH AAAAGGGGHHHHHH SHE WASN'T EVEN GONNA COME, I MADE HER COME! I MADE HER COME! I MADE HER COME! AAAAGGGGHHHH AAAGGGHHHHH!" We were dying laughing! She carried on like that for some 15 minutes. I was like "she should say something else besides 'i made her come.' how about 'i brought her with me." It was funny, but it got annoying after the first 5 minutes. After awhile, she had four casino employees standing behind her trying to urge one another to go over and say something to her. She was disrupting the atmosphere. And all the machines clearly say one machine per person...but she had two machines going, had a cigarette in each hand, and was sitting there in a cloud of smoke, just having the time of her life. None of them worked up the nerve to approach her, so she got to carry on uninterrupted. 

Saturday night, another friend's son turned 3, so there was a party at their house. It was cool, a real laid-back time. Except I got punched in the face by the birthday boy. I was tickling him and he didn't like he swung. And connected. It didn't hurt that bad at the moment, but the bones around my eye and nose are sore now. He got in trouble and was sent to bed. He's been a terror since he was born. He gets kicked out of every day care they put him in. His mom even said that she can't wait until somebody hits him back or beats him up because she thinks that's the only way he'll learn. And it just might be. He gets whippings that are pretty extreme, but they don't seem to really help. Time-outs and whatnot are a joke. His pediatrician already told them that he was going to end up medicated as soon as he starts school. I feel bad for him though because his parents are basically waiting for him to turn 5 so that they can put him on pills to calm him down. And he also has night terrors. They wake up to him screaming bloody murder in his sleep in the middle of the night, almost every night. He's too young to explain what's going on and the doctors told them not to wake him up in the middle of it. So they've actually invested in a video surveillance system so they can watch him without going into his room. I can't imagine how stressful that is for them as his parents (they haven't gotten to sleep longer than 5 hours at a time since he's been born), but I feel like whatever is "getting him" in his sleep might contribute to his aggressive and violent behavior while he's awake. I used to think he was just a sweet kid who had young parents who didn't know how to handle his excessive activity...I mean, what toddler isn't extremely active? What 2 year old doesn't throw fits and have meltdowns? But now I see what they definitely is deeper than that. They have the beginnings of a problem child on their hands. 

I love Shanee and we want to be with one another, but the communication between us is just no fun anymore. We're creatures of habit these days, so there's nothing fun and exciting to talk about ever. We know each other pretty well, so everyday isn't a learning experience anymore. She knows all my secrets, she's heard all my stories. I don't have anything exciting to say to her anymore and vice versa. We know each other's sense of humor so well, we only smirk at each other's jokes these days, they're not funny anymore. We always say "i knew you were going to say that." I think that we're each in a period of transition right now and we're not at our best. I'm mildly depressed about the death of my father and the distance between her and I gets harder each day. Plus, I'm not happy with my place in life. I'm working on getting a plan together to solve a few problems...move near her, start school. She is living back with her family, which is a love-hate situation. She loves her mother and sister with everything she's got, but she hates the hell out of her step father and it makes her hate being in that house. But it's cheapest and makes the most sense. And she's looking for a job, which is stressful. I'm not sure that she's adjusting too well to life after college. I just hope that things get better once we're living in the same city and are each happier with our lives. 

My manager said something to me yesterday that really struck me. I have thought about it a lot since then. She said she feels like she is going to die young. Said that the women in her family don't live long at all. She's not very old at all and has already lived past the age her mother died. All her aunts died in their 40s. She said she already knows that she doesn't have that much time left. And she said that's why she spends so frivolously and goes on vacation all the time...she honestly feels like she's just living for today. It kind of made me wonder about my own life. My father died young and I wonder if I will live to be older than he did. I hope so. I honestly don't feel that I will share his reality...even though we're genetically very very similar. He was born with a very weak heart and it was attacked by some childhood illness. He began smoking at the age of 9 or something ridiculous like that. His eating habits were horrible and he began picking up a lot of weight in his late 20s. He never exercised. Even if I was born with a weak heart, I didn't have any major childhood illnesses, I don't smoke, I have changed my eating habits, I exercise now and am in the process of losing this weight. I feel like I am doing the things I need to do now in order to increase the quality of my life and the longevity. I do kind of feel where she's coming from though on living for today...I feel like I have a future to look forward to, but I also understand that nothing is for certain and that I should strive to enjoy the present.

I love mornings like obligation. I like to just sip my coffee, read, write, enjoy myself, relax, listen to music. Do whatever feels right.