Saturday, October 31, 2009

when conversation gets weird

I'm bored, lonely, and exhausted. 

I'm bored because I elected to not do anything tonight. I had originally planned to attend a haunted house with a friend and some of her other friends. Now, me and this friend have a brief sexual history...we got completely wasted (like, white boy wasted) one night about 6 months ago, and had sex. Just one time, she was probably only in my apartment for all of an hour. It never happened again, there's no sexual tension between us, and I'm not attracted to her. But last week when we made plans to attend the haunted house, the conversation got a little weird. She said that we were drinking. I agreed. She told me that I was not going to just drink beer, which is my usual. I agreed to take a shot or two. She said no, more than that. It made me pause. Why was she so pressed about me drinking? The moment she said it, the time we had sex came rushing back to me...she had forced me to drink very heavily that night. Of course, she didn't hold a gun to my head and make me drink anything...but she was definitely buying me lots of drinks....and after awhile, it was just pure vodka that she was handing me. Anyhow, it struck me as peculiar that she would suddenly, after all this time, be concerned a week in advance about me drinking hard liquor and not just a little bit of it. She obviously wanted me drunk. I became uncomfortable. I spoke about it to the Lady (good name for the woman in NYC who just kills me with how classy she is?! i think so!) and decided that it was best to not even test the situation. It's in my best interest to not be hanging around somebody, drunk, when I get the strong vibe that they have something up their sleeve. 

Reason 2 for boredom...
While I was at work today, one of my coworkers and I were texting. She works an extremely early shift and I only saw her briefly and I kind of noticed that she wasn't as happy or friendly as she usually is, but the Lady was thick on my mind (as per usual), so I didn't think much of it. When she began texting me, she let me know that she and her girlfriend had broken up earlier this morning and that she was pretty upset about it. She asked me what I was doing tonight and I told her nothing. Then the thought came to me that it would be kool for the two of us to go to the movies or something since I didn't have any plans and she would probably benefit from not sitting around alone all night. So, as soon as I texted my idea to her, the conversation got a little weird. She asked me, "as a lesbian, what do you think about when you look at me?" I responded honestly. "Nothing really, a tomboy." That's what she is. She said "oh okay, I'm going to stop talking before I embarrass myself." I was thrown off. She then tried to salvage things by asking how my girlfriend-to-be is doing and I didn't hold back when telling her how good she is and how I'm so into her. It felt kind of insensitive to gush about my situation when her relationship just fell apart hours earlier, but I didn't want there to be any mixed signals. After that, all thoughts of going to the movies with her completely vanished. 

I'm lonely, partly because of the boredom and partly because I'm in one of those moods where only certain company and conversation will suffice. I wanna talk to the Lady and no one else. I'm in one of those moods to not discuss football, rap music, the media, whatever....I wanna talk about life, love, relationships, and the things that really matter in life. I wanna speak in soft voices. I wanna feel my insides heat up. I wanna smile to myself at the sound of her voice. I wanna linger on the phone well past the point of exhaustion. I wanna stare into her eyes via video chat. I wanna watch her smirk and smile and flare her nostrils in reaction to whatever I'm talking about. I want to quietly admit little things that I find adorable about her. I want to whine and resist going to sleep when she tries to put me to bed. Basically, I want to cake. But she's unavailable until later...

The exhaustion comes because we definitely spent all of last night on the telephone doing everything I've just mentioned. A day of work on very little sleep leaves me tired. Plus, my upper body is fried...the entire length of both arms is super sore, my shoulders are sore, my back is sore, my damn armpits are sore. And my right knee is not feeling very good either. I'm doing my thang at the gym and I'm getting my results, but it definitely comes with a price. 

Hot tea and a book will probably round out my evening just fine though!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

bein' true to myself

I received an angry letter in the mail yesterday. From Shanee. Detailing how foul, sloppy, and trifling my actions were. We texted about it today (she will not talk to me) and she let me know that I had been emotionally cheating for months. And even took her with me to meet my emotional mistress. They say that emotional cheating is the worst kind. She felt that I should have just told her flat-out that I had a growing interest for someone else, not harbored those feelings. She didn't actually say so, but I imagine that she feels played for a fool. I suppose, as a human, it was very easy for me to not see it that way. But the fact that she took the time, in 2009, to actually use an ink pen and 4 sheets of college-ruled loose leaf paper means that she felt that very deeply. I was upset to see that she thought so low of me. Even though she has made me feel like complete and utter shit a trillion times in the last six months, heartache is never something I would have wished on her. When I first read the letter, my stomach sank, I wanted to vomit, and I just generally felt like a piece of shit. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that well last night. Then, today, I was just flat-out angry about it. How dare she write a letter? She never took the time, energy, or effort to write me a 4-page letter about anything positive, but she sure found it within herself to put the work into writing me to let me know how foul I am. But even as I was angry, I still felt bad. Deep down, my soul was not okay. So, I did what I was raised to do. I did what I KNOW was the right thing. I gave her a genuine apology. For hurting her feelings. For causing her to feel disrespected. I acknowledged and took ownership of the fact that I caused her grief. And even though the response I got was "whatever, enjoy life," I felt a trillion times better. My stomach felt normal again. I felt free. Regardless of how bad she may have treated me at times and how many times I never got a genuine apology from her, I did the good and decent thing and apologized. And I meant the hell out of it. She doesn't have to accept it and I have the feeling that she wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire, but I can move forward knowing that I did the right thing. 

The relief was sweetened by an awesome workout. My gym is running a deal, $14.99 a month with no contract. So, people are signing up by the tons. Every single time I'm there, there's at least 15 people waiting to talk to a consultant. Anyhow, I noticed a girl that used to be a patron at my job. One day, she cursed at me and was extremely rude to me over a situation that was not my fault by any means. But, being that she's the customer, I couldn't say shit back to her without probably losing my job. So, I burned with anger and just stood there. A month later, she came in and I tried to just ignore her. But she approached me and gave me a genuine apology, told me that she was super sorry for how she'd acted and told me that there was no excuse for what she did, she'd been having a bad day and took it out on me. I gave her a blank face and kind of mumbled, "ok." I've seen her a few times since then and I still opt to just ignore the hell out of her. I saw her at the movies on Saturday and walked right past her like I didn't see her. I saw her looking at me in my peripheral. But today when I saw her at the gym, I waved and smiled. She broke into a huge grin and waved back. It was like I gave an unspoken "i forgive you." It felt awesome. 

I guess today was just back to back lessons for me in terms of how to do your very best to make situations as positive as you can. Regardless of whether I'm right or wrong initially, regardless of whether or not I deserve how people treat me, if I ultimately stand up and do what I know is right, then I always end up happy.. 

Friday, October 16, 2009

I'm the luckiest...

Ha, I reached 100 posts and wasn't even aware...besides being a nice outlet to record my thoughts and perception of events, these 102 posts have also served another purpose...

I had no idea whatsoever, but someone was becoming intrigued by me based on what I was writing here. She says that my sincerity and willingness to lay my emotions out was attractive to her, unbeknownst to me. We interacted via blog for months and then began communicating in other ways. Twitter and AIM can do great things for the communication between two people. We became fast friends. Good friends. We would genuinely look out for one another, encourage one another, listen to one another vent about big things and bullshit alike, give one another advice, console one another, just really provide moral support to one another. Soon enough, when I had a problem or something happened, she was the first person I wanted to discuss it with... 

I found myself with a crush on this girl. I knew she was different than most women her age (she's a bit younger in terms of chronological age) and even most women my age. I knew she was a kool girl with a good head on her shoulders. Extremely attractive. Very genuine in everything she said. Very sensible. Very in tune with my feelings. The more we communicated, the more I knew she was somethin' special...and even had everything I thought about her confirmed one weekend. We met and hung out...saw a movie, ate some awesome red velvet cupcakes, and spent a night bar-hopping. She was just as special in person. But I was still very much in a relationship and trying my damndest to be committed to that, I didn't think I had a chance with her anyhow. Thought to myself, "no way she'd be into me."

I was so wrong...

Lo and behold, my ass has a chance!

And on November 5, I'm flying to New York City to take my chance!

She's just special. Everything about her. We have the same values, the same priorities, we want the same things out of life and out of a relationship. She's gorgeous. She's sweet. I've met a million women, but this is the first time I can honestly say that I've had the pleasure of getting to know a lady. She's a true lady. She's classy, graceful, stylish, elegant, has standards for herself and how she carries herself, she knows how to act, she thinks before she speaks, and everything she says and does is with the highest degree of taste. After everything I've gone through, how I've been treated, and the coarse women I encounter around here, she is most definitely a breath of fresh air. I can't wait to see what we can turn into.

I'm not completely crazy though, I haven't lost touch with reality. I know that things are still very much in the beginning phases. It could go either way, anything could happen. And yes, I just got out of a relationship. I'm fine. I'm doing quite well with putting it behind me and moving forward. I just feel like I finally have a chance to truly have everything I've ever dreamed about having in a woman. We have a lot to offer one another, I can see us being a real nice couple. Things just feel so different with her, they just feel right. In the past, I've been scared as hell to see my feelings grow this fast. But I am perfectly at ease with this situation. And even though I don't truly believe that anybody qualifies as an expert when it comes to relationships, I have a few friends that have been in long-term, healthy, happy partnerships for years and I'll take their word that feeling completely comfortable is a surefire sign that it's right. God said Fear Not, but I believe He gave us good sense to feel a need to hesitate or be scared about things that aren't right for us. 

It's time for me to take it down for the night...

Sunday, October 11, 2009

the way things work out

You ever felt somethin on the inside and knew exactly what it was, just wasn't in the position to do anything about it?

Ever wanted somethin really bad, but it just wouldn't even be right to go after it?

Ever desired something, but for various reasons, just knew it wasn't for you and you couldn't have it? And maybe that has more to do with why you didn't pursue it?

Life has a funny way of working things out. 

I'm in the position now. 

It's right to go after it, there's nothing holding me back.

And I know, without doubt, that it's for me. I can have it. 

Thursday, October 8, 2009

destiny and babies and shanee and bilal

Some news...

My cousin, Destiny, has been missing for 3 weeks now. She's 14. She is bad as hell. There's no other way to put it...she's a terror. She was adopted when she was a newborn and she was born crack-addicted. I don't know whether her genes and her environment in the womb is to blame or the fact that she's also the product of very lax parenting. The girl has 5 ipods and gets whatever she wants and there's never any consequences to any of her actions. But anyhow, she has been nothing but trouble for a few years now. And last month, her probation officer recommended that she spend a month at the Indiana Girls' School to be evaluated. She asked if it could be on an outpatient basis. They said no, she would need to sleep there. So, she ran away. She's still in our hometown, and she emails her mother every so often to say that she's safe and not to worry. But she absolutely refuses to come home and she will not give a single clue as to her whereabouts. My mom said it's really sad...posters all over the place. My mom took her mom to the movies last week, just for something to do, to get her out of the house for a little while. Her parents are beside themselves over it. Her brothers are very sad about it as well. My mom said that people around town spot her, but by the time they alert the police, she's long gone. Somebody needs to just stop her and do some citizen's arrest type shit or something. The general belief is that she's got some much older boyfriend or something that she's staying with. I know it can't be another 14 year old that she's staying with...that person's parents would deserve to be tarred and feathered for stowing a runaway. 

My mom told me last night on the phone that she's been having dreams about me having a baby. I told her that I wasn't getting pregnant. And I'm so serious about it. She kept asking me if I had any desire or any urge to have a baby at all and I had to tell her that the honest truth is no. I feel like my life will be perfectly complete without having a person in my uterus. I don't need to do that to validate my purpose and existence as a woman. She was like "well, even if you don't actually get pregnant and have a baby, do you want to raise kids?" I agreed that yes, I wouldn't mind raising some children. If my future partner wants to get pregnant, then great, I'll be more than happy to raise a family that way. What would be really nice is if we used my eggs...that way she would literally have my baby. I do think it would be nice to actually look into the face of a child and see myself. I just don't want to actually be pregnant. My mom then began mentioning my age and how I'd better get to work. She said that in her dream, she knew who donated the sperm. It was a boy whose hair she used to cut...he's now a semi-pro football player. She said that I should keep him in mind when I decide I'd like to acquire some sperm. Precious baby Damien has gotten inside her head and now she wants several grandbabies. It's kind of crazy to me that she wants another grandbaby that bad to suggest I have a baby right now. Who just requests that their single daughter have a baby?! I don't condone single parenthood. Studies show that children are better off with a 2-parent home. But aside from how the child is going to turn out, I don't condone it simply for the fact that it stresses the single parent completely out. So why on earth would she suggest that I willingly enter into that situation? I told her she should adopt a baby since she just wants one in her arms at all times. 

Shanee is not taking this breakup very well. Not by any means. It's obvious that she is hurting. She keeps texting me to ask why and if it's forever and so on. I politely answer her questions and give her all the reasoning. Twice, she's wished me well and tried to accept it. I hope that today she really meant it. I hate that she's hurting, but I honestly don't know what to tell her. She keeps trying to tell me that I don't understand the fact that she'll never move on. I told her that she must not understand how bad she was hurting me. I guess it's typical in a breakup for the person who wasn't acting right to suddenly be able to dig deep and put forth all sorts of effort after the fact when it's too late. It's just crazy to me. I swear she didn't care this much two weeks ago. All the time and energy she's put in to trying to convince me to give her another shot would have been well spent months ago. It's just not worth much at this point in the game. I've told her this in every polite and borderline impolite way I can think of. I've tried to convince her that it will get easier as time goes by. She will press on and all will be well. She doesn't believe me. 

I dreamed all night last night and woke up feeling like I hadn't been asleep. As if I was just laying there thinking. Like I'd been busy all night or something. Just woke up tired. So when I got off work, I came home and went into a lightweight coma. Slept hard, flat on my back. That never happens. So I'm super awake right now. Listening to Bilal. Nothin makes me happier than music from when I was younger. It's associated purely with good memories. 

Monday, October 5, 2009

homie don't play dat

" heart just has to be sure that the love that I give to you, that's the love I get from you. I need to be safe and secure. Hey hey, just let me know you're thinkin about me." - Mary J. Blige on that T.I. track, "Remember Me"

My heart wasn't sure. I'm most certain that the love that I was giving was not the love that I was getting. I needed to be safe and I needed to be secure. I was not. Not many motions were made to let me know I was being thought of. 

I wasn't treated as if I was special. I believe I was taken for granted. I believe I deserved more than what I was being offered. I wasn't given the attention and treatment that I desired. No amount of conversation could fix it. It doesn't matter how much I love someone...if they just can't or won't treat me the way I need to be treated, then it's time to move on. I put her first in everything I do and I deserve the same. My feelings run deep and there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her...but enough is enough. 

The relationship has been rocky, she let me down at the worst possible time, and I know that I am better than how she wanted to do me. Every 3-4 days, it was something. On their own, they wouldn't be huge problems. But when I stack it all up and really take a look at it, it isn't worth it. She can be downright rude sometimes, just plain disrespectful, not mindful of her actions or behaviors and how they affect me. The last straw was last week. She was irritated at me for something, and instead of addressing it with me like an adult to find out why I did what I did, she elected to ignore me for a whole day. In the words of my favorite clown: HOMIE DON'T PLAY DAT! To set the whole thing off, I was actually still going to think about it for a few days before I made a decision, despite being completely turned off and unhappy. I expressed my negative feelings to her. Late that night, she wanted to know if we were still together. Upon me telling her that I didn't know...she said "It's yes or no." A test? Okay. NO! 

It's sad to see something that I put so much time and energy and emotion into end. 

But I feel frreeee! 

I'm alright. I'm just glad that I finally mustered up the strength to declare myself better than that. I've been in an altered state of mind since my father passed, deservedly and understandably so. A touch of depression, some anxiety. I've had chronic chest pains for the last 2-3 months. Worrying about that relationship was not helping anything, by any means. I am glad that I am beginning to get over the blues and the anxiety and glad to have that stress, literally, off my chest. 

We'll be friends, for sure. She can't be close with me right now, but in time, I'm certain that we'll be kool with one another. And as for loneliness and being sad about the breakup, I'm not worried. Love will make itself known again in my life, no doubt.