Monday, June 15, 2009

Worth all this bull...??

I feel like the frustration and disappointment isn't going to end. And I question if it's worth it.

I must have really been makin some serious kind of mistake by getting so heavily involved and developing such intense feelings for someone younger than me and someone so far away.

After like 2 setbacks, Shanee still is not here. The updated plan is for this coming Sunday. Part of me doesn't even wanna talk about it or get excited about it...because I'd bet money that it won't happen.

And now, her mother has requested that she go back home in mid-July. She misses her and doesn't want her gone the whole summer.

I cried.

Like a child. At 25 years old, I heard news that was contrary to what I wanted and I threw a small fit. Laid out flat on the bed and cried. And I don't care how immature it was.

Now, I know plenty of people who have horrible relationships with their parents and their mothers don't give a damn about I'm happy that her mother loves her. But wheennnn is she going to get some balls and tell her mother no? At what point is she going to come up out from underneath her family?

Her and I have plans to be in Chicago for 4th of July. But I haven't even booked the hotel yet because she can't make a solid plan. The way her trip keeps getting pushed back, she'll get here on the 5th or something stupid like that. And we had other plans for July too....which I guess won't be happening now. Because her mom misses her. Not because she has a job to get back for. Not because she's got summer skool. Not because there's anything going on that she's missing. Because her mom said.

Maybe I'm being selfish. But I really want her to tell her mom no. I want her to stay here until the beginning of August as we'd planned. I still want to do the things that we planned to do.

It's upsetting because I kind of feel like she doesn't even mind leaving early. She's so lax about EVERYTHING. It drives me crazy. I don't even think she's concerned about the fact that our time will be cut short and she doesn't seem to be real concerned that I'm upset about it. "Babe, we'll still be together for 4 or 5 weeks." SOOO?? I want longer than that! And she's okay with it. I feel dejected.

I miss her too and I NEVER get to see her. And the last time we saw one another, it was horrrible. This was supposed to be our time to really rebuild and put some shit back together.

But she doesn't seem that worried about it. Maybe I should quit worrying about it too. I'm starting to see that we have completely different values and ideas about things. If my mom were to ever try to cut my summer with her short, I would tell my mom flat out.."NO!" Shanee just says okay. She hasn't had a job in over a month, was concerned about money last week, but today was askin for my address so she could do some online shopping and have it sent to my house for when she gets here. I asked her why was she unemployed and shopping. She didn't end up buying the clothes, but it irritated me that she was even spending her time like that. It's just senseless. Completely unnecessary. She's got a problem when it comes to clothes and shoes. There are things coming up that we've talked about doing and they will require money...I wonder if she thinks that I'm going to pay for everything. Because that's definitely a no-no. I'm done wining and dining her. I used to romance the shit outta her, best I could from 600 miles away. But after how she did me in march and sir. Them days are over. That fact alone makes me wonder if a relationship with her is even worth trying to rebuild and fix. I have so much anger and resentment towards her that it's ridiculous.

Her priorities and her values and the things she places importance on are just so funny to me. Family is an excellent thing to put first...but only to a certain degree. She says all this stuff about loving me so much and how I'm number one and blah blah blah...but I'm obviously second to her mom and sister. And that's fine...I guess. At some point though, when you begin telling a person that you wanna spend your life with them, that person has to be your top priority. They just do. And she may feel the feelings of wanting to be with me like that, but she simply is not ready to cleave to me instead of her mom and sister. It doesn't matter what we're doing...if they call, she answers. That drives me crazy. She just isn't ready, I think. I know that everybody is different and no two familial relationships are the same, but I know plenty of people her exact age who just graduated college just like her who don't act like her. Who aren't afraid to tell their parents something instead of just obeying like they're 10. Who prioritize properly. Who realize that it's dumb as fuck to be shopping when you don't have income. I'm just ready for her to grow the hell up.

Honestly speaking, I'm not sure if we'll make it through the summer. We've been disagreeing about a lot of things lately. Just don't see eye to eye on much. Gettin on each other's nerves. This visit, if and when it takes place, really is our last shot. It will be the moment of truth. It's either going to solidify us or send us on our separate ways.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

a list...more like numbered paragraphs

I have had zero desire to write. But I am going to, just for general purpose. I have a blog, may as well put it to some use. I'm not really sure of my current ability to write out an actual post, so here's a list of shit.

1. My nephew is perfect. He's absolutely adorable. His face is neither red nor scrunched up like most fresh babies. He's clear and smooth and just absolutely beautiful. Devin and Jackie are quite the active young couple...for him only being about 3 weeks old, he's been to several restaurants in town, like 3 cookouts, the mall, and quite a few other places. When he's swaddled in green and yellow blankets, people approach Jackie and tell her what a beautiful baby girl she has. Jackie is quick to correct and let them know that it's a gorgeous baby BOY. His face is just angelic...too sweet for a boy. I would have some pictures...but he scares so easily. Each time the flash goes off, he balls up his fists, throws them up in defense, and lets out a blood-curdling shriek. It's kind of funny. But I know his poor heart must race. The boy's definitely got some good reflexes. My brother's maturity level is being called into question...he purposely does things to elicit the scream, much to the chagrin of Jackie and my mother.

2. My brother found some more of my father's journals. They're interesting. He really loved my brother and I a hell of a lot. It still pains my mother when his entries speak of other women. I can only imagine. She's mildly depressed. We just crossed the 3 month mark of his passing. It was pretty tough on me. I imagine the 5th and 6th of each month will have a lot of significance for me, probably for the rest of the year. The 5th will mark the last day I ever saw him alive, talked to him, laughed with him, hugged him, kissed his forehead that resembles my own so very much. And the 6th is the day he actually passed, after that 20-hour surgery that he fought his damndest to make it out of. On Memorial Day, we attended a service in which there was a candle lit for mom asked my brother to do it because she would have really lost it if she did it herself. After the service, we went out and I saw his grave for the very first time. I couldn't stand it. I snotted all over my mom's suit. It was so damn hard. And my mother didn't listen to me very well at all...she's only 53, 9 times outta 10, she's gonna get married again. And she went ahead and bought herself a plot right next to my dad and got one of those couples' headstones WITH HER NAME ALREADY ON IT. I didn't think it was the best idea, but it's what she wants, so alright.

3. I'm still sick in love with Shanee. However, after how she treated me in March and April, I just have no patience for her. I fuss at her like every other day, over one thing or another. Something that wouldn't have made me think twice this time last year now has the ability to set me completely off. I have extreme amounts of anger and bitterness towards her and it shows. It's all been discussed very thoroughly. She's pretty understanding and acknowledges and owns up to the fact that she made the bed and if she wants me, then she's gonna have to lay in it....but when I get to talkin crazy and cursin at her and saying really inappropriate and unacceptable things to her, she isn't afraid to speak up and tell me to tone it down.

4. My job (Sam's Club) is to have a booth at Pride this year. It's pride week right now, the parade and main festival are on Saturday. I've been asked to work the booth. I readily accepted...hang out at Pride all day while on the clock. Sounded perfect. However, I am mildly nervous about 2 of the coworkers that are also going to be in attendance. They have the potential to act really ignorant at times. They're the type of people that I wouldn't necessarily call homophobic...they just act kind of funny. If a really flamboyant man approaches us at work, they won't say anything, but they will give each other that knowing look, as if to say "do you see this dude?" I, of course, always call them out "WHAT?" and they immediately cut it out. I had to tell one of them just yesterday..."you're not that cute, don't nobody want you." He was like "yeah, you're right, it's dumb to act like that." I hope not to have to serve that same reminder up again on Saturday, because I will. I also really hope that the church I am a part-time member of doesn't have some evangelists or anybody else on deck to be down there tryna "save" folks.

5. My trainer is still kicking my ass. She puts a whoopin on me each and every time. I have completely changed the way I eat. I feel different...better. When I wake up in the morning, I'm up. I'm not sleepy after I eat. I sleep better at night. Naps are kind of funny...either I have no desire to take a nap at all, or I lay down and fall into a 5-6 hour coma in which I hear no telephones or alarm clocks or anything. It's kind of scary. I think those comas are because my body is still adjusting to the rigorous exercise...and when I say rigorous, I mean RIGOROUS. She has me doing the elliptical on level SIXTEEN and the stairmaster on level ELEVEN. Just some unnatural type shit. She makes me run laps around the inside of the gym. My gym does not have an indoor track. Just laps around the perimeter of the building. I look and feel like a jackass. It'll be like 40 or 50 grown ass people in there doing their thang and I'm the only idiot whipping through there. Anyhow, like I said, I'm still adjusting. Extremely intense exercise, plus a totally different body is going through it. It hasn't even been a month I guess it's only natural that I just fall the fuck out from time to time. Aside from how I feel physically, I feel more positive...definitely more calm, relaxed, less likely to stress. My mom swears she can see loss already...I personally don't think my body has changed much yet. I went to dinner with a friend tonight and she remarked that I look radiant lol. I was touched. She was like "you know I don't do compliments, but you look really good, like you radiate."

6. I moved into my apartment in February. It was obviously freezin cold and nobody hung out outdoors, so I'm just now getting to see what my neighbors are like. Predominately Africans and Asians live in this complex. I have spent the last two Friday afternoons at the pool. This last Friday, I was standing in the pool, in the 4ft part, just leanin and enjoyin the water. A gaaannnggg of Africans come through the gate. I nod and smile and they all speak, I speak back, whatever. They lay their towels out, prepare their kids with flotation devices, typical poolside behaviors. I decide that I've had enough of the pool. I raised myself up outta the water, flung my leg out, hoisted myself out of the pool, and walked back over to the lounge chair that I'd set myself up at. It wasn't until I'd sat down and turned around that I realized that all activity stopped. No one was talking. They were barely breathing. All eyes were on me. I was just about to throw my hands in the air and ask WHAT? when one little boy tugged his father's arm and was like "that light skinned girl got on swim trunks like yours daddy!" Oh. That's what they were looking at. I know they probably didn't approve. I hear gay Africans are imprisoned in Africa. Surely they'd seen a female in men's clothing before though. Why was it so shocking to see my swim trunks? Did they not think that cross-dressing also applied in the pool? It rubbed me the wrong way, but I just rolled my eyes and they resumed their various activities. How annoying.

7. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it. While watching the MTV Movie Awards, I grew curious about this Twilight series. I decided I had to see what all the hype is about. And now I totally see! I am about to dive into the 3rd one, Eclipse, as soon as I finish this post. I've never really been into vampires and werewolves before, but my interest has definitely been piqued. I loved the first two books in the series, I have stayed up all night for the past two weeks reading. I've been late to work because I've been so exhausted in the morning. I just couldn't put the first two down. The funny thing is that it's extremely poor writing...I'm not impressed with the author at all. I wasn't truly hooked on the first one until about Chapter 8 or so. I have made fun of a few people for being so into those "kiddie books about loving vampires" and now I'm so sucked in that I've actually apologized to the people and we spend our lunch breaks talking about it. Everyone tells me to not see the movie. As per usual, it won't be as good. The book is always better. The imagination is better than any acting or directing. I probably will see it anyhow though, just because. And the beauty of getting into something a year after it's over is that it's all at my disposal. I don't have to wait for the next book to be written...they're already available! With the movie, it won't be that easy. The second one is about to come out. But it will be another year or two before the 3rd one, then probably another year after that before the last one. I'll probably be done had a ring on my finger and adopted a baby by then lol. (I'm only mildly serious about that...I can't seem to keep a relationship tight long enough for ring-type commitment.)

8. I feel like my life is stagnant. I know I should go to graduate school...I just don't want to. I know I should look to start some kind of career...but I don't want to. I know I should begin plotting some kind of escape from Indianapolis...but I don't want to. Life is kool for right now, but I know that in 3-5 years, I can't still be printin pictures and jackin off all day.

I think that's about it. Maybe I'll be more inclined to write often again, now that I forced myself to get this put down...