Wednesday, December 30, 2009

you're a jerk (i know)

I'm trying to hook two friends up.

Well, one is Stalker from several posts ago. The girl who has a deep-seated crush on me from afar and I had no idea that she would come to my job purely to look at me, walk past me and NEVER speak. We became friends and then she confessed to it all. It was weird, but she's turned out to be extremely cool. Anyhow, I guess she finally accepts that I'll never be with her. She hit me up yesterday asking if I had any friends.

I ran through my contacts. I decided on a friend that I've been cool with since the start of college. We had sex one time, randomly. But after that, we went back to being friends like it had never happened.

So, they got to textin' yesterday. First thing out of Stalker's mouth (fingertips) was that she wanted me, but I won't give her any play. College Buddy said "oh, that's Erika, always pulling." I was hoping and praying, praying and hoping that Stalker wouldn't divulge that. And God must have been on my side because College Buddy didn't go ahead and tell Stalker that she once had me.

I don't want either of them to feel like my rejects or my sloppy seconds or my handoffs.

I never think things through all the way before I act. And then I always end up slightly nervous about what the outcome will be.

I just thought they were each cool girls who might enjoy one another. Why did it never once occur to me that they would probably discuss how they knew me?! Even if College Buddy didn't immediately tell her about our one-night get-down, chances are it will come as they get to know one another.

I don't want anybody's feelings to be hurt or anyone to feel slighted...

And the thing is, Stalker said that College Buddy seemed a little jealous when she told her that tidbit of info...if she only knew that CB is really the one to be jealous of.

I'm beginning to feel like a jerk...

Monday, December 28, 2009

a resolution

"You're so quick to criticize. I don't even want to talk to you because you're going to critique whatever I say and immediately discredit my feelings. You have this attitude like 'how dare anybody have a different opinion than yours.'"

I've got to fix this asap. What an ugly way to be. Lord knows I can't stand people who act like that...but it's never been brought to my attention that I, too, treat people in that manner. I couldn't even argue when this was said to me. Completely true.

The year 2010 will see the end of acting like that.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

damn, i just want my friend back

Yesterday was amongst the toughest days I've had in a long time. For two reasons.

I arrived at work just in time for a meeting to start. It's a very informal meeting held each morning at the same time. Sam Walton believed that associates working for a company had a right to know exactly how the company was doing financially on a day to day basis. So this meeting takes place every morning, it lasts anywhere from 10 to 40 minutes, and it's basically a bunch of bullshit. I mean, of course, not the parts where we discuss sales and wages and profits. But the parts of the meetings where our general manager likes to try and call people out about any mistake or shortcoming for the sole purpose of being a capital B, those are pure bullshit. Yesterday was my turn. It was extra bullshit-like because of the way it happened. I walked into the building, went to the timeclock, then sat down because the meeting was starting at that moment. The GM was walking directly behind me the whole time. She saw my every step. She went around the room asking all the supervisors for their sales report from the weekend. She got to me. I told her I didn't have mine, I had just arrived and hadn't looked at the report yet. She rolled her eyes and said "hmmmmm." Everybody knows that I cannot stand this woman, so a few people chuckled and snickered because they knew I was boiling on the inside. I shrugged my shoulders with a smirk on my face and everybody started cracking up. She got all red in the face and had a look on her face as if she wished she'd never even called on me. Then she ignored me for the rest of the day. Acted like I didn't exist. Fine by me. I talked to one of my friends about it, a girl who used to work there but has since advanced and moved to another club. She said that the manager probably just doesn't care for my attitude most of the time...I'm laid back, nothing phases me, I'm not scared of her, and I don't play her games. Plus, I get smart with her on Facebook. There's been a handful of incidents in which she's said something sarcastic or something I didn't like on my wall or in response to a status update, and I've been really quick to say something slick back to her. I'm contemplating just removing her, but then I fear that my consequences will be worse. I should have never ever confirmed her friendship request.

Anyhow, that was how the day started. When I got to my department, I had 20 rolls of film sitting on the counter. My associates the day before hadn't done any of it. Hadn't even started it. Didn't even look like they attempted to start it. I was livid. Then, all day long, people just had serious attitudes. I kept a smile and just rolled with it. I got to work with my favorite associate (yeah, I play favorites like that) and he and I clowned around and had a semi-good time. However, despite the good time, we were still insanely busy. The lab was a complete and utter wreck, water filters had to be changed, just all sorts of shit hit the fan at once. I looked up and discovered that it was 5p, but there was no way that I could have just rolled out and left things in the state they were in. Plus, there are just some things that I know I should do myself...some things just can't be delegated. So I ended up staying until about 7:30. I may have stayed even later, but a particularly unhappy customer changed all that. This woman took it upon herself to let me know that I need to retrain my associates because they should have helped her crop her photos better. She began pointing to other customers placing their orders, asking me if they have a full understanding about how our software works and if not, I need to be out there educating them. When I offered to re-do her order for her, she told me that she didn't have time, she needed the prints right away, and that I must not understand that it's Christmas. I just looked at her, blank faced. She went on and on and on. I can't even remember all of what she said. It was how she spoke. It has been a really long time since I've been spoken to like that. I wanted to cry. In fact, I did when I got outside to my car. I believe full well that she would have spoken to a dog nicer. Even her daughter was looking at me sympathetically. I was glad that no one else was within earshot because I was embarrassed, I could feel my cheeks burning.

Anyhow, there were other aspects to my day that made it not so good as well. It was first day detoxing...blood sugar remained pretty low, stomach growled most of the day, and there were a lot of temptations. The demo ladies had bacon and ham and it was super difficult to walk past and not grab a piece. There was chocolate cake in the breakroom. I had to exercise a lot of self-control.

Things between the Lady and I are no more. Ended about 2 weeks ago. Everything started out great, but took a severe turn south, seemingly overnight. We began to argue. Disagree. Hurt each other's feelings. And this was only after pursuing romance for 2 months. Two months in, people should still be deep in the honeymoon phase, everything should still be all laughs and giggles, just good feelings. Shouldn't be any stress involved yet. Plus, I was convinced (and still am) that after awhile, my laid back, relaxed approach to life would have been a complete turn off to her. I'm extremely silly compared to her and anybody else she's ever dated. I laugh, joke, and play all day, which is all fine and good. But I felt bad some days when I knew she was working her ass off and really giving her job her all and she would ask me what I did all day and I would have nothing better to say than "talk shit and clown." I voiced those concerns to her on a few occasions and she reassured me that it was all fine and that there was so much more about me that she liked and whatnot. But just as I suspected, my way of doing things when I get ready, when the time feels right, didn't sit too well with her. There were a few things going on that needed my attention, but my sense of urgency about most things is low. This situation wasn't any different, I was content to just do things when I felt it was time and it caused tension that never quite went away. We agreed to lighten up and kind of take a step back, not be so serious. We were in two completely different books in terms of what that meant, no where near being on the same page. This resulted in her being extremely upset, losing sleep and whatnot. It was apparent to me at that point that we were definitely not on the same page, not even on the same bookshelf. Two days of not speaking at all, a few texts here and there, led her to ask me if we were still going to pursue anything romantic. I didn't think we should and I said that. She said that we couldn't be friends. And for the life of me, I can't remember if she said that we couldn't be friends right now or we couldn't be friends period. I can live with the fact that I lost out on a wonderful girl that very well could have given me the relationship of a lifetime, but what I'm struggling with is the loss of the friendship. We started out so kool, I developed a crush, so when she came to me and let me know that she liked me, I jumped at the chance because I had never really let my mind go there before, I thought she was way far outta my reach. But before all that, we were friends. She's an excellent listener, she understood me, she didn't judge me, she gave me perfect advice, she supported me. She listened to all my problems. I told her things about me that no one else on this earth knows. And now she's just gone. She's an excellent girl and I loved every minute of the last two months before things went sour, but it wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth our friendship. If I had any idea that things would have ended up with her not even wanting to be my friend, I never would have pursued anything with her...just told her no when she expressed her feelings to me. I feel like friendship is the best relationship you can have with a person and now I'm really missing out. Whoever she ends up dating next is in for a real treat because she's great, but I want her as my friend. She made it very clear that she didn't want any parts of me after I told her that the romantic part of our dealings was done....I was defriended on Facebook, unfollowed on Twitter, she's invisible to me on instant messenger. I'm probably going to wait until after the new year and perhaps try and contact her, maybe an email, and tell her personally that I miss her friendship and ask how long it'll take to get it back.

Sunday, December 20, 2009


I had to take a course yesterday and today to prepare for my life insurance license exam. It was completely mind-numbing. My brain is worthless right now. It was 8 hours each day. One-hour lunch break halfway through with a 5-10 minute break each hour. It's been almost 3 years since I graduated college and I haven't been in a classroom setting since. It was torture. To sit quietly and still for that long was really hard. My listening skills are off, my note-taking was funny, to keep my mind on task was super difficult. All in all, it was not a good weekend. But I'm one step closer, I can mark something off my list.

I hope to actually sit for my exam sometime soon. I have to study hard. We'll see how it goes. I'm considering getting back into college mode for the next week or so...waking up at 6 to look over notes and get some quick studying in. Not taking a moment in between, go to work, study, work out, study again, sleep. I've fallen into a really nice leisurely routine of just relaxing...if I feel like staring off into space with my eyes glazed over, I do it. When I get ready to work out, I get dressed and go. I sleep when I want to, wake up when I want to. That definitely was not my reality when I was in college. I'm about to get back into that "always on the move, always grinding" mindset. It's productive.

Tomorrow morning begins a detox. I need to cleanse my system and kind of kick-start my metabolism. I've been the same weight for 2 weeks, I've hit a plateau. So, for the next two weeks, minus Christmas, I'll be eating natural oatmeal, plain chicken, turkey, fish, fresh vegetables, fresh fruit, protein shakes, and drinking only distilled water. It should knock some weight off quickly. That's my hope.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

ten things...

Haven't felt much like blogging lately.

1. My mom still doesn't respect my feelings. We'll probably really fight soon.
2. My nephew is still precious. He eats like a piglet.
3. I bought 4 Christmas presents. 3 will be given. 1 got thrown in a drawer until I decide to either regift it or trash it.
4. My Colts are still the shit. 14-0 tastes pretty damn good.
5. Anonymous comments are dumb. Extra dumb when they aren't even true.
6. I've got 12 days left to sit on my ass and simply exist. 2010 is my year for a life change.
7. I'm halfway to my goal weight. It feels awesome.
8. More people than what I ever realized want to see me succeed in life and it's extra motivating.
9. 2009 has been an ugly year for me in a lot of ways, but the joy and peace I have now is wondrous.
10. I know what I'm getting for Christmas, but I have to wait until Christmas Eve for it and it's driving me crazy.

Friday, November 27, 2009

full of thanksgiving

I experienced my first Thanksgiving without my father and lived to tell about it...

The day was kind of tough at spots, after the food was prayed over and we all sat down to eat, my mom pulled an empty chair out from the table, as if she was preparing a place for someone to sit. It was awkward in the same way that it was for her to have a tea setting next to my dad's recliner in the living room (which I noticed has disappeared...I ignored it, but I do wonder where it went and mother got a new living room set, so I'm assuming the old recliner just didn't match...) Anyhow, no one sobbed or made a big deal out of anything, which I appreciated. We kept it lighthearted and joyful for the most part. My brother was plainly in some sort of mood...I'm not sure if it was sadness or irritation. He rolled his eyes on several instances throughout the afternoon...I'm not sure if his fiance had gotten on his nerves, or if he was hiding his sadness about my dad, if my mother was getting on his last nerve, if he was just irritated because dinner wasn't on the table until an hour and a half after it was supposed to be, or what. All of those things were kind of getting on my nerves honestly, but the Lady had kind of prepped me for it beforehand, reminding me to just be thankful for what and who I do have.

Speaking of being thankful, in the past I've always been able to rattle off a list of things that I'm thankful for while only mildly feeling truly thankful for it. But since losing my father, I have grown some genuine appreciation for people and things and the life that I live. I feel the pain that others feel when they comment about the holidays being bittersweet. I never truly tasted the bitter before this year. While my parents were divorced, I didn't love spending the holidays with one parent or another or having to divide up the time, but it was a piece of cake compared to this though. Some of my classmates from high school, a brother and sister pair, had to unplug their mother's life support this heart went out to them in such a way that I didn't know was possible. I thought about them all day, along with everyone else I know that's missing a parent. I know that a lot of people were raised up with just one parent for various reasons, but I have a LOT of cousins that don't have a father in their lives. I always said that I was thankful for having both my parents with me and around me, but never felt it like this. It's one thing to have had to lay a parent to rest when you're a small child or to be adopted by a lifelong single woman, but it's quite another to have to just live with the fact that your father elected to not be in your life. I'm beyond thankful for the fact that my father was in my life from the moment it started and never once opted out. Too many people don't have that reality...

The Lady reminded me this morning to be thankful for the fact that I even have my mother and she's so right. I definitely am thankful for my mother. But she can sure work a nerve. I honestly feel like she isn't happy unless she's telling me to do something. Whether it's hand her this, go over there and grab her that, put this in there and then put that in here, bring her some coffee, clear the table, find the baby's pacifier, help load the car, hand her her purse, help wash dishes. Every time I turned around, she was ordering me around. And it's like that every single time I see her. I was in high school the last time I lived at her house, but it's like she forgets that I'm not 12....every time we're together, she just orders me around. I get tired of it. Her sense of humor is a lil more serious than mine is and sometimes I laugh directly in her face about something that she's said or done and she gets offended. It gets on my nerves because it's not with evil intent that I'm laughing. Either it's genuinely funny or it's just a joke...but she gets so serious about it. Like brother accidentally left with my mother's car keys in his coat pocket. He discovered them and drove them back to her before she even realized they were missing. He gave us all a hug, then was like "I'm going to use the bathroom real quick before I go." He went to the restroom, then came back in the living room and said another round of goodbyes, then left the house for good. About 20 minutes later, I said something about him and my mom was like "be careful, he might hear you! He's in the bathroom!" as she nodded her head in the direction of the bathroom. My uncle and I just kind of looked at her, blank faces. She was tired, she's got a pretty decent level of stress in her life, and today was tough on us all...but she must have had some kind of serious memory lapse to have thought that he was still even at the house. She realized her error and I was like "ooooo you need an herbal supplement, your memory is goooone!" and laughed. My uncle laughed. My mom cut her eyes at both of us. It was a joke. Just playing around. But no, just so uptight all the time. She's very very stressed out right now. She's grieving my father, she's dating this new dude, she's dealing with the fact that my brother and I don't approve of her dating him and refuse to allow him to come to any events or anything, her siblings are in her ear telling her that it's her life to live and she's got to do what makes her happy, she's in college, my brother and his fiance expect my mother to be available to babysit a LOT, she owns and manages her business, she keeps her house spotless, she does all the wigs for the cancer society in our town, she's in NAACP, and she's active in her card club. I understand that it's a lot going on and she has every right to feel stretched in a lot of directions. I sympathize with her for that. But she explicitly told me the other day that she would wait until I tell her that I'd like to meet this new dude she's dating and that she won't try to time it or decide for me when it's okay to bring him around. But sure enough, this evening, she asked me if I thought I'd be ready to meet him by New Year's. I told her no and reminded her of what she said. I just couldn't believe it. It's one thing for friends and past loves to disrespect my feelings and hear me say one thing and then do the exact opposite, but it has some extra sting on it for my own mother to do it. And last weekend when I was home, I told her about the Lady. She just kind of nodded, didn't have anything to say. My mother is kind of childish in the fact that she'll often go tit for tat with a person. If you criticize her, she'll criticize you. I know that she didn't express any sort of interest or ask any questions or anything about who I'm talking to because I don't do that for who she's talking to. I'm not happy about who she's dating so she refuses to be happy about who I'm dating. It makes me sick, but that's her general attitude and it's been that way forever and I've seen her treat people like that over and over. I'm just generally unhappy with a lot of the ways in which she does things. But what am I going to do? She's my mother, I can't break up with her or just never call her again or keep her on text-only status or anything else you do with people that are purely optional in your life.

I need to work on my communication skills. This evening, the Lady and I had a communication breakdown that resulted in a long period of silence in which I was extremely confused and frustrated. Her being so kool about it helped diffuse it a lot, but I was still kind of salty, primarily at myself. The backstory is that there's a girl that added me on facebook one day and I wasn't sure who she was at all. We had some friends in common so I just figured that I knew her and just couldn't remember her, so I confirmed it. A few weeks later, she confessed that she'd come to my job several times in the past few months specifically to see my beautiful, personality-filled face but couldn't get up the nerve to approach me [stalker]. By this time, we'd become kool with one another, exchanging tweets and texts and whatnot and I didn't see much reason to terminate the budding actually developed. She's on a serious weight loss journey just like I am and she's got a lot of good insight and advice, she's hilarious, and there was a night that I had car trouble and she offered to help me when no one else did and AAA was taking too long. Anyhow, she just broke up with her girlfriend last week and she invited me to dinner and a movie for Friday and the way in which she posed the question implied that she would be paying for the night. I agreed and told her we'd confirm details early Friday, but I knew that I needed to run it past the Lady first...I respect the hell out of her feelings and wanted her opinion on the situation. This girl is obviously physically attracted to me, fresh out of a relationship, and wants to take me out for a night of datish activities. When I ran it down to the Lady and asked her if she was comfortable with it, she replied yes but that I should pay for myself. I was surprised that she was more concerned about who paid for my half of the night than about the fact that we were out doing these date-like activities together, just the two of us, in the first place. Instead of just double-checking that she was indeed comfortable with my spending the time with her and making sure to let Stalker know that I would be paying for myself, my ass asked what it mattered who paid. The Lady and I do have some different opinions on payment, but I did understand her position and I respect how she feels about it. And again, instead of just expressing that, I had to say something else. I don't even remember what exactly I said, but I ended up talking us in a circle and said some asshole things. I said that if Stalker wants to take me out and pay for me and think that we're on a date, then it's no skin off my back. Her perception of events doesn't matter. Two seconds before that, I'd expressed how I told Stalker that she'd been a blessing to me because of the help she offered and some of the experiences we have in common as big girls trying to diet. And then had the nerve to get defensive and sulk when the Lady called me deceitful. (and she's so classy and wonderful that she didn't even actually call me deceitful, she didn't even do it in some accusing or derogatory way, she just simply stated that it wasn't acceptable to deceive Stalker if, in fact, Stalker thought we were on a date.) It's not funny, but sometimes I just have to laugh at myself. Obviously, I was dead wrong on two accounts (probably more): I should have just listened to what she said and kept it moving AND I shouldn't have made those dickhead comments about Stalker. I shouldn't discount anyone's feelings about, it's wrong, and two, I'm quick to be crying if anyone discounts my feelings. Lord knows I damn near act like the Civil Rights Act got overturned, like some sort of personal injustice was done to me if anyone hurts my feelings. I know I got a lot of nerve. Just all the way around, from the front to the back, I know I was really trippin. And the Lady is just so smooth, she didn't even get mad. She was so super kool. And I know that she knows that I was trippin. She was so nice about it. (Or just didn't wanna take the time to really break down for me all the ways that I was actin up.) She probably just rolled her eyes and shook her head and went to sleep, if she even paid me that much thought. She's definitely somethin' else, just as sweet and as she wants to be. I don't know what I did to get so lucky to have her in my corner, but I'm super thankful.

Friday, November 20, 2009

hurt feelings

I just got home from the midnight premiere of New Moon, the second in the Twilight series. It was awesome and amazing, I loved every minute of it. I went with a friend and some coworkers. Pretty decent company, minus the ending where we all got up and filed out of the theater and bolted to our cars, never uttering a single word to one another or anything...kind of weird. Maybe because I'm a supervisor and they're not, they didn't feel real compelled to stand around and make small talk with me. Perhaps the time was the's after 2am and we'd all been yawning since 11:30. They possibly just figured that we'd certainly be talking about it at work, no reason to stand around in the cold and make commentary. Whatever their reasoning was, it was just strange to me. When you spend 4 long hours in a movie theater with someone (two hours before the showtime, then the movie), I just thought that "goodbye" or "see you tomorrow" or "peace" or just something was customary. I guess not?

Before the movie started, my friend (the only one who found me worthy of parting words) and I met for dinner. She told me that I should be glad that the Lady lives so far away because I deserved to have my ass kicked for what I said to her this afternoon. I insulted the hell out of her without even meaning to. I don't remember my exact words, but I made some sort of reference to her being a mentor and talking to kids about fashion and being too beautiful to be a teacher. Silly comments to have made. I intended them in the best ways, but they did not go across smoothly. As long as I've known her, she's been trying tirelessly to land a job doing magazine writing. She likes fashion. It's not a secret that she thoroughly enjoys both of those things. Within the past couple months, she's began speaking of teaching. I guess in my mind, teaching was just a last resort, something meaningful and honorable that would also earn her a salary. Great reasons to take a job. I just figured that if teaching was her dream, then she wouldn't have bothered so much with the fashion writing and magazine opportunities and whatnot. Based on the amount of time and effort she puts in, I figured that's where her heart was, the true passion. I didn't get that when she spoke of teaching. I'm not really sure why I elected to mention her looks when I spoke on this, I guess that was the ignorant thing. I could have just said exactly what I just typed and she probably would have understood my stance just fine. I know that I made the comment about mentoring children about fashion because we'd discussed earlier in the day our passions and goals and what motivates and drives us in life and she said that it's important to her to have a career that involves her interests. So, if she's fulfilled and gets a sense of purpose and accomplishment from mentoring children, but also loves's plain to see that I just expressed it in a completely wrong way. I made it seem like all she's good for is fashion and magazines. Or like it's impossible for her to be so hot, but also have something to bring to a classroom or be able to impact a child's life in a positive way. I felt horrible when she let me know how bad it hurt her feelings. I don't think I've been that sorry in a long time. I felt like a piece of dog shit for insulting her, upsetting her, hurting her feelings, and making her feel devalued. There was a positive aspect to it all though: I gained awareness of two matters. At the end of me apologizing, I asked her if she felt like I didn't like her for her mind. She said that she knows I like her mind, but it's off balance because I definitely act like I am much more interested in her body most of the time. She gently called me out about it, let me know that I need to balance it out better. That was the second thing I learned. The first thing happened right after I insulted her. Like I said, I don't think I've ever been that sorry before. I've never cried over hurting someone's feelings before. As my eyes filled with tears while she told me how it made her feel, it hit me that I must CARE about this girl in a really big way. It just cut me so bad and I felt so horrible that I was the reason for her being unhappy. I honestly don't think I've ever been committed to anyone's happiness like that before, to the point that I'm gonna be the one crying when I'm not even the one that got her feelings shat on. It's deep.

Earlier this morning, we discussed our differing positions on work, career, and what truly matters to us in life. It made me really begin to think about the things that I need to do. Right now, the only real sense of personal satisfaction I get is from working out, losing weight, and talking to her. Not from my job. I always love my friends, but I'm not doing anything big in their lives or anything. What I've concluded is that I think I will begin looking into becoming a personal trainer. I can still lose weight, I can work out all day everyday, and help people change their lives in positive ways. My friend Elizabeth takes me with her to every dance audition she's ever gone on because I'm her biggest fan. I believe in her and I don't have a problem telling her and showing her. I've been told on countless occasions from friends that the only reason they did certain things was because I encouraged them to do it and believed in them. I guess it's safe to say that I'm good at motivating people on a personal level. Personal training would be great for me. An awesome side hustle for while I'm in graduate school, plus it would keep me focused on my own goals. Once I get my master's and can start practicing, I'd do both. I honestly feel that I would gain a sense of accomplishment, be fulfilled and full of joy in life by doing those things. Now, just to make a timeline and a plan...

I got into it with my mother this week. The dude that she's been dating for awhile now, much to the disgust of my brother and I, got invited to our family Christmas outing of dinner and a play. I was so hurt. Just this summer, my mother arranged for me to meet him. I declined and gave her all the's just too soon. It hurt so bad that she would just assume it was okay to have invited him without contacting me. It hurts that she would decide for herself that enough time had passed and just assume that it would be fine to bring him. It hurt that she was so insensitive. I hated that she would feel that smack dab in the middle of the first holiday season without my father would be a good time to bring a man around. I wanted to strangle her when she said that she already bought his ticket. I politely told her that I didn't care and it wasn't my problem that she didn't think to ask first. We went round and round, but she agreed to reneg on his invitation. She made me so sick talking about how nice he is, how everybody that meets him tells her not to let him go, how he makes her feel good and that's why she wanted him there. I had to give her a quick reminder that even though we're grown, my brother and I should still be top priority, and for the second time in her life, she's forgetting. Putting a man before us. I'm just glad dude's not going and I really hope my mother meant it when she told me that she wouldn't bring dude around until I told her I wanted to meet him. My brother and I agreed then that the day will never come, so she can just keep on dating him privately. I'm spending Saturday night in my hometown watching Christmas movies with my cousins and then my nephew, Damien, is spending the night with me at my mom's house. I can't wait, but I know how my mother is and I'm praying that she won't bring it up again or try to ask me to reconsider. If she insists upon bringing this dude, she'll still have wasted her money on a ticket because I will not show up.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

just funky!

I'm in a funk. 

It started yesterday, or perhaps Monday night.

That night, one of my associates and I got into it. He made the comment "that's gay" and I about lost my mind. We went round and round. Without rehashing everything that was said, I definitely told him that he was ignorant, small-minded, homophobic, and that his reasoning for his beliefs was not okay. Now, I wouldn't want anybody telling me those things...and because I am his immediate supervisor, I was a bit nervous that he may tell on me to my higher-ups for attacking his character. He was definitely wrong in the first place, but in terms of corporate policy, I'm sure we were both wrong. I don't feel nervous about the situation any longer, but I'm not that excited about seeing him anytime soon though...

I miss the Lady. The weekend we spent together was fantastic and I did not want to leave. I feel so empty. Something is missing. We were inseparable for 4 days and it hurt to come home and be by myself again. I just want to be back with her. I ask myself if some part of me likes pain, there must be something about tough long distance situations that I like since I keep doing it. I don't like the women that I meet around Indianapolis, but is there something inside me that doesn't really want a relationship? Do I not really want to deal with someone full time? Do I want somebody to talk to, somebody close to me....but not really want to put in the time, effort, and energy? Do I like missing somebody all the time? Do I like being forced to travel to spend time? Why do I keep doing this to myself? There's gotta be a reason that I keep forming these attachments to women that live 600 miles away. It hurts. "This is nothing to you, you're used to leaving," the Lady said to me as we walked back to our hotel from having lunch before my flight. I didn't agree fully, it definitely wasn't nothing to me. However, I couldn't argue with the fact that I'm used to leaving. I am. It doesn't mean that it's ever easy. Just that I've gotten used to it. It sucks each time. However, it's never lingered for three days before. I mean, I really feel awful. It's always been painful, but I guess I'm pulling up to a point where I'm not willing to keep leaving...

I'm still hurting over some of the things that happened between Shanee and I. Some of the things she said to me, some of the things that took place, the way I felt a good deal of the time. When it was good, it was good. But there were definite blocks of time in which I was not happy. And I feel weak as an individual to have withstood and put up with some of the ways she would treat me. It hit me yesterday that I haven't cried in over a month. Not a single tear. And it feels great! It doesn't feel too great though to look back and think about all the time that I did spend crying. Even though so much has gone on, it's really only been a few weeks since I ended that relationship. I was so mad at Shanee when I ended it and then immediately so happy about what was developing between the Lady and I and it's like my emotions are just now evening back out. I wouldn't go back and change a single bit of it, but it's like my emotions are flat from not having a good fight, or being hurt to the point of tears every week or so. I'm so used to sub-par treatment that I almost don't know how to act now that I'm not having to ask to be treated the way I want. I'm being treated exactly the way I always wanted to and I almost don't know how to receive it. That fact saddens me. Another fact also saddens me...that I could love somebody so much, to the point of near stupidity (it was stupid how deep for her my feelings went), and they just not feel that for me. Right or wrong, good or bad...I loved that girl more than I loved myself. And maybe it isn't her fault, but she just did not feel that for me. I was not her first priority, she easily put other people and things ahead of me. I wasn't her whole life like she was mine. I'm still trying to get over that, work through those feelings. As the anger fades away, all that's left is sadness over our relationship. And honestly, I'd rather just be's easier. 

I've been eating junk and not exercising for 9 days. It ends tomorrow. I said that yesterday. But I mean it today. Tomorrow, I will go to the grocery and get good foods again and start back at the gym. That's probably half of the problem...why do I expect to feel well when I'm trashing my body? Speaking of my body, for the past 2 days, I've also felt like there was a cold or some kind of sickness brewing. I've been really sleepy with a runny nose. I had a ticklish throat yesterday as well.

I'm sure that I will feel fine again, just give it a lil time... 

Sunday, November 8, 2009

don't come out until you've shat

"you're leavin on a jet plane..."

"if you leave, then baby i'll leave..."

"don't leave me girl, please stay with me foreverrrr..."

"i'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gonna shed no tears, i'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry cuz you ARE worth my tears..."

"you're my baby, my love my lady, all night you make want you, it drives me crazy..."

All these songs, with the lyrics all wrong, with the totally wrong meanings, were sung to me, complete with off-beat clapping, on the train as I made my way back to the airport to come back home...

It was a glorious weekend. From the moment I arrived until the moment I left...absolutely glorious. The Lady came to meet me at the airport...and the moment I saw her, my face broke out into the world's biggest smile. And it pretty much stayed. I wrapped her up into a hug and tried to not let go. 

It was so good to get to see her. I'd seen her before, but when I saw her, she was just a pretty girl that I had a crush on. I wouldn't let myself look too deeply into her eyes, I wouldn't let myself stare too closely at her body, I definitely made sure to not let any hugs linger. But to see her after feelings had been laid on the table, after all the conversation, after all the anticipation, after lusting after her for the past few was just really great to be in her presence with no holding back, no trying to act like she's not special. 

She took me to see The Lion King. It was magical. The first scene, when all the animals come down the aisles, was wondrous. I was in awe. I sat there with my eyes all lit up and a gaping smile, like a child. All I could keep saying was "this is so kooooool." There were some points at which I think I actually had goosebumps, all the songs and whatnot were way more powerful in person. And I had completely forgot that there was a death of a father in that story, so it tugged at my heart at some points, but it was an excellent experience. The Lady got us excellent seats. It meant a lot to me that out of all the plays that were running this weekend, she agreed to take me to the Lion King even though she's seen it thrice already. She said it was important to her to be with me the first time I saw it. She knew it was something to behold and she wanted to be the one to give me that experience. I like that she doesn't have a problem being sentimental and she doesn't hide it. 

Over the course of the weekend, she also showed me some other things. She took me to a Moroccan restaurant, something I've never experienced. It was excellent food. She took me to a Caribbean restaurant and I tried oxtails. I wasn't a huge fan of the oxtails, but I will definitely try them again. I told her that as long as she fries plaintains, I'll deal with any amount of oxtails. I've been to New York before, but never Brooklyn. I now see why they say that Brooklyn is the real New York. We also went to the Museum of Sex. It was fun. Informative. It really was educational and interesting...not as stimulating or saturated with excitement like I had assumed it would be. At one point, after reading an entire wall of the history of porn, I even asked "can we go ahead to the interesting parts now?" I'm glad I went though.

She showed me other things too...things far more important than any restaurant. I saw parts of her that I knew existed, but I didn't know how important they were to me. I didn't know that I would respond the way I did when I saw them. For instance, we saw some Remy Martin ads on the train...she went off. It was similar to a sociology or a social psychology class the way she picked the ads apart. Pointed out things I never would have dreamed of. Her reaction was super intense, in a good way. She completely turned me on with the passion in her voice, the emotion in her eyes. All I could do was look at her with a smirk as my insides heated up. There were similar moments when we discussed cohabitation, loved ones working in the adult film industry, the things people consider for monetary gain, relationships, just everything. She has strong opinions on a lot of things that I'm not sure I even have an opinion on. She says things that really make me think. What I love is that even though we have some completely different ways of thinking, there's never any judging or disrespect. Anyhow, I could feel myself becoming more and more attracted to her each time she revealed her thoughts to me about something. There are other things that also made me like her even more. Her sense of humor is different than mine...I'm extremely silly compared to her. But there were times when I found myself cracking up at something she'd said, or the way she said it. Just tickled, plain and simple. The best part is that she didn't know it was funny, she would just kind of smile as I rolled with me, the best humor is unintentional. She is supremely affectionate, very gentle and loving. Everything was "yes baby" or "no baby" and "whatever you want baby" or "sure baby." I eat that shit up. I love being talked to like that. She's so caring and nurturing too...looking out for me and my comfort at every turn. Serving me coffee, bringing me a donut, making sure I had plenty of q-tips...and not just when things were good. I was officially constipated for the entire weekend and after she handed me my cell phone, poured me a glass of water, and ushered me into the bathroom, she told me, "take your time sweetie and don't come out until you've shat." Another of those moments that I was dying with laughter, but also feeling warm on the inside...

Everything I wanted out of the weekend, I got. Everything I wondered about, got answered. Everything I thought, I got it confirmed. She's great. She's sweet. She's a real lady. She respects me. She let me know that there's things about me that she appreciates that I wasn't aware of. She told me previously that she hates rats and we saw one that was almost a foot long on the subway platform. She almost climbed my body trying to get away from it. I didn't wanna laugh too hard or make her feel dumb, but it was kind of comical. It was definitely gross though. Anyhow, the weekend was more than I could ask for. I came home some kind of happy. I'm extremely excited for whatever is in store for us!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

when conversation gets weird

I'm bored, lonely, and exhausted. 

I'm bored because I elected to not do anything tonight. I had originally planned to attend a haunted house with a friend and some of her other friends. Now, me and this friend have a brief sexual history...we got completely wasted (like, white boy wasted) one night about 6 months ago, and had sex. Just one time, she was probably only in my apartment for all of an hour. It never happened again, there's no sexual tension between us, and I'm not attracted to her. But last week when we made plans to attend the haunted house, the conversation got a little weird. She said that we were drinking. I agreed. She told me that I was not going to just drink beer, which is my usual. I agreed to take a shot or two. She said no, more than that. It made me pause. Why was she so pressed about me drinking? The moment she said it, the time we had sex came rushing back to me...she had forced me to drink very heavily that night. Of course, she didn't hold a gun to my head and make me drink anything...but she was definitely buying me lots of drinks....and after awhile, it was just pure vodka that she was handing me. Anyhow, it struck me as peculiar that she would suddenly, after all this time, be concerned a week in advance about me drinking hard liquor and not just a little bit of it. She obviously wanted me drunk. I became uncomfortable. I spoke about it to the Lady (good name for the woman in NYC who just kills me with how classy she is?! i think so!) and decided that it was best to not even test the situation. It's in my best interest to not be hanging around somebody, drunk, when I get the strong vibe that they have something up their sleeve. 

Reason 2 for boredom...
While I was at work today, one of my coworkers and I were texting. She works an extremely early shift and I only saw her briefly and I kind of noticed that she wasn't as happy or friendly as she usually is, but the Lady was thick on my mind (as per usual), so I didn't think much of it. When she began texting me, she let me know that she and her girlfriend had broken up earlier this morning and that she was pretty upset about it. She asked me what I was doing tonight and I told her nothing. Then the thought came to me that it would be kool for the two of us to go to the movies or something since I didn't have any plans and she would probably benefit from not sitting around alone all night. So, as soon as I texted my idea to her, the conversation got a little weird. She asked me, "as a lesbian, what do you think about when you look at me?" I responded honestly. "Nothing really, a tomboy." That's what she is. She said "oh okay, I'm going to stop talking before I embarrass myself." I was thrown off. She then tried to salvage things by asking how my girlfriend-to-be is doing and I didn't hold back when telling her how good she is and how I'm so into her. It felt kind of insensitive to gush about my situation when her relationship just fell apart hours earlier, but I didn't want there to be any mixed signals. After that, all thoughts of going to the movies with her completely vanished. 

I'm lonely, partly because of the boredom and partly because I'm in one of those moods where only certain company and conversation will suffice. I wanna talk to the Lady and no one else. I'm in one of those moods to not discuss football, rap music, the media, whatever....I wanna talk about life, love, relationships, and the things that really matter in life. I wanna speak in soft voices. I wanna feel my insides heat up. I wanna smile to myself at the sound of her voice. I wanna linger on the phone well past the point of exhaustion. I wanna stare into her eyes via video chat. I wanna watch her smirk and smile and flare her nostrils in reaction to whatever I'm talking about. I want to quietly admit little things that I find adorable about her. I want to whine and resist going to sleep when she tries to put me to bed. Basically, I want to cake. But she's unavailable until later...

The exhaustion comes because we definitely spent all of last night on the telephone doing everything I've just mentioned. A day of work on very little sleep leaves me tired. Plus, my upper body is fried...the entire length of both arms is super sore, my shoulders are sore, my back is sore, my damn armpits are sore. And my right knee is not feeling very good either. I'm doing my thang at the gym and I'm getting my results, but it definitely comes with a price. 

Hot tea and a book will probably round out my evening just fine though!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

bein' true to myself

I received an angry letter in the mail yesterday. From Shanee. Detailing how foul, sloppy, and trifling my actions were. We texted about it today (she will not talk to me) and she let me know that I had been emotionally cheating for months. And even took her with me to meet my emotional mistress. They say that emotional cheating is the worst kind. She felt that I should have just told her flat-out that I had a growing interest for someone else, not harbored those feelings. She didn't actually say so, but I imagine that she feels played for a fool. I suppose, as a human, it was very easy for me to not see it that way. But the fact that she took the time, in 2009, to actually use an ink pen and 4 sheets of college-ruled loose leaf paper means that she felt that very deeply. I was upset to see that she thought so low of me. Even though she has made me feel like complete and utter shit a trillion times in the last six months, heartache is never something I would have wished on her. When I first read the letter, my stomach sank, I wanted to vomit, and I just generally felt like a piece of shit. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that well last night. Then, today, I was just flat-out angry about it. How dare she write a letter? She never took the time, energy, or effort to write me a 4-page letter about anything positive, but she sure found it within herself to put the work into writing me to let me know how foul I am. But even as I was angry, I still felt bad. Deep down, my soul was not okay. So, I did what I was raised to do. I did what I KNOW was the right thing. I gave her a genuine apology. For hurting her feelings. For causing her to feel disrespected. I acknowledged and took ownership of the fact that I caused her grief. And even though the response I got was "whatever, enjoy life," I felt a trillion times better. My stomach felt normal again. I felt free. Regardless of how bad she may have treated me at times and how many times I never got a genuine apology from her, I did the good and decent thing and apologized. And I meant the hell out of it. She doesn't have to accept it and I have the feeling that she wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire, but I can move forward knowing that I did the right thing. 

The relief was sweetened by an awesome workout. My gym is running a deal, $14.99 a month with no contract. So, people are signing up by the tons. Every single time I'm there, there's at least 15 people waiting to talk to a consultant. Anyhow, I noticed a girl that used to be a patron at my job. One day, she cursed at me and was extremely rude to me over a situation that was not my fault by any means. But, being that she's the customer, I couldn't say shit back to her without probably losing my job. So, I burned with anger and just stood there. A month later, she came in and I tried to just ignore her. But she approached me and gave me a genuine apology, told me that she was super sorry for how she'd acted and told me that there was no excuse for what she did, she'd been having a bad day and took it out on me. I gave her a blank face and kind of mumbled, "ok." I've seen her a few times since then and I still opt to just ignore the hell out of her. I saw her at the movies on Saturday and walked right past her like I didn't see her. I saw her looking at me in my peripheral. But today when I saw her at the gym, I waved and smiled. She broke into a huge grin and waved back. It was like I gave an unspoken "i forgive you." It felt awesome. 

I guess today was just back to back lessons for me in terms of how to do your very best to make situations as positive as you can. Regardless of whether I'm right or wrong initially, regardless of whether or not I deserve how people treat me, if I ultimately stand up and do what I know is right, then I always end up happy.. 

Friday, October 16, 2009

I'm the luckiest...

Ha, I reached 100 posts and wasn't even aware...besides being a nice outlet to record my thoughts and perception of events, these 102 posts have also served another purpose...

I had no idea whatsoever, but someone was becoming intrigued by me based on what I was writing here. She says that my sincerity and willingness to lay my emotions out was attractive to her, unbeknownst to me. We interacted via blog for months and then began communicating in other ways. Twitter and AIM can do great things for the communication between two people. We became fast friends. Good friends. We would genuinely look out for one another, encourage one another, listen to one another vent about big things and bullshit alike, give one another advice, console one another, just really provide moral support to one another. Soon enough, when I had a problem or something happened, she was the first person I wanted to discuss it with... 

I found myself with a crush on this girl. I knew she was different than most women her age (she's a bit younger in terms of chronological age) and even most women my age. I knew she was a kool girl with a good head on her shoulders. Extremely attractive. Very genuine in everything she said. Very sensible. Very in tune with my feelings. The more we communicated, the more I knew she was somethin' special...and even had everything I thought about her confirmed one weekend. We met and hung out...saw a movie, ate some awesome red velvet cupcakes, and spent a night bar-hopping. She was just as special in person. But I was still very much in a relationship and trying my damndest to be committed to that, I didn't think I had a chance with her anyhow. Thought to myself, "no way she'd be into me."

I was so wrong...

Lo and behold, my ass has a chance!

And on November 5, I'm flying to New York City to take my chance!

She's just special. Everything about her. We have the same values, the same priorities, we want the same things out of life and out of a relationship. She's gorgeous. She's sweet. I've met a million women, but this is the first time I can honestly say that I've had the pleasure of getting to know a lady. She's a true lady. She's classy, graceful, stylish, elegant, has standards for herself and how she carries herself, she knows how to act, she thinks before she speaks, and everything she says and does is with the highest degree of taste. After everything I've gone through, how I've been treated, and the coarse women I encounter around here, she is most definitely a breath of fresh air. I can't wait to see what we can turn into.

I'm not completely crazy though, I haven't lost touch with reality. I know that things are still very much in the beginning phases. It could go either way, anything could happen. And yes, I just got out of a relationship. I'm fine. I'm doing quite well with putting it behind me and moving forward. I just feel like I finally have a chance to truly have everything I've ever dreamed about having in a woman. We have a lot to offer one another, I can see us being a real nice couple. Things just feel so different with her, they just feel right. In the past, I've been scared as hell to see my feelings grow this fast. But I am perfectly at ease with this situation. And even though I don't truly believe that anybody qualifies as an expert when it comes to relationships, I have a few friends that have been in long-term, healthy, happy partnerships for years and I'll take their word that feeling completely comfortable is a surefire sign that it's right. God said Fear Not, but I believe He gave us good sense to feel a need to hesitate or be scared about things that aren't right for us. 

It's time for me to take it down for the night...

Sunday, October 11, 2009

the way things work out

You ever felt somethin on the inside and knew exactly what it was, just wasn't in the position to do anything about it?

Ever wanted somethin really bad, but it just wouldn't even be right to go after it?

Ever desired something, but for various reasons, just knew it wasn't for you and you couldn't have it? And maybe that has more to do with why you didn't pursue it?

Life has a funny way of working things out. 

I'm in the position now. 

It's right to go after it, there's nothing holding me back.

And I know, without doubt, that it's for me. I can have it. 

Thursday, October 8, 2009

destiny and babies and shanee and bilal

Some news...

My cousin, Destiny, has been missing for 3 weeks now. She's 14. She is bad as hell. There's no other way to put it...she's a terror. She was adopted when she was a newborn and she was born crack-addicted. I don't know whether her genes and her environment in the womb is to blame or the fact that she's also the product of very lax parenting. The girl has 5 ipods and gets whatever she wants and there's never any consequences to any of her actions. But anyhow, she has been nothing but trouble for a few years now. And last month, her probation officer recommended that she spend a month at the Indiana Girls' School to be evaluated. She asked if it could be on an outpatient basis. They said no, she would need to sleep there. So, she ran away. She's still in our hometown, and she emails her mother every so often to say that she's safe and not to worry. But she absolutely refuses to come home and she will not give a single clue as to her whereabouts. My mom said it's really sad...posters all over the place. My mom took her mom to the movies last week, just for something to do, to get her out of the house for a little while. Her parents are beside themselves over it. Her brothers are very sad about it as well. My mom said that people around town spot her, but by the time they alert the police, she's long gone. Somebody needs to just stop her and do some citizen's arrest type shit or something. The general belief is that she's got some much older boyfriend or something that she's staying with. I know it can't be another 14 year old that she's staying with...that person's parents would deserve to be tarred and feathered for stowing a runaway. 

My mom told me last night on the phone that she's been having dreams about me having a baby. I told her that I wasn't getting pregnant. And I'm so serious about it. She kept asking me if I had any desire or any urge to have a baby at all and I had to tell her that the honest truth is no. I feel like my life will be perfectly complete without having a person in my uterus. I don't need to do that to validate my purpose and existence as a woman. She was like "well, even if you don't actually get pregnant and have a baby, do you want to raise kids?" I agreed that yes, I wouldn't mind raising some children. If my future partner wants to get pregnant, then great, I'll be more than happy to raise a family that way. What would be really nice is if we used my eggs...that way she would literally have my baby. I do think it would be nice to actually look into the face of a child and see myself. I just don't want to actually be pregnant. My mom then began mentioning my age and how I'd better get to work. She said that in her dream, she knew who donated the sperm. It was a boy whose hair she used to cut...he's now a semi-pro football player. She said that I should keep him in mind when I decide I'd like to acquire some sperm. Precious baby Damien has gotten inside her head and now she wants several grandbabies. It's kind of crazy to me that she wants another grandbaby that bad to suggest I have a baby right now. Who just requests that their single daughter have a baby?! I don't condone single parenthood. Studies show that children are better off with a 2-parent home. But aside from how the child is going to turn out, I don't condone it simply for the fact that it stresses the single parent completely out. So why on earth would she suggest that I willingly enter into that situation? I told her she should adopt a baby since she just wants one in her arms at all times. 

Shanee is not taking this breakup very well. Not by any means. It's obvious that she is hurting. She keeps texting me to ask why and if it's forever and so on. I politely answer her questions and give her all the reasoning. Twice, she's wished me well and tried to accept it. I hope that today she really meant it. I hate that she's hurting, but I honestly don't know what to tell her. She keeps trying to tell me that I don't understand the fact that she'll never move on. I told her that she must not understand how bad she was hurting me. I guess it's typical in a breakup for the person who wasn't acting right to suddenly be able to dig deep and put forth all sorts of effort after the fact when it's too late. It's just crazy to me. I swear she didn't care this much two weeks ago. All the time and energy she's put in to trying to convince me to give her another shot would have been well spent months ago. It's just not worth much at this point in the game. I've told her this in every polite and borderline impolite way I can think of. I've tried to convince her that it will get easier as time goes by. She will press on and all will be well. She doesn't believe me. 

I dreamed all night last night and woke up feeling like I hadn't been asleep. As if I was just laying there thinking. Like I'd been busy all night or something. Just woke up tired. So when I got off work, I came home and went into a lightweight coma. Slept hard, flat on my back. That never happens. So I'm super awake right now. Listening to Bilal. Nothin makes me happier than music from when I was younger. It's associated purely with good memories. 

Monday, October 5, 2009

homie don't play dat

" heart just has to be sure that the love that I give to you, that's the love I get from you. I need to be safe and secure. Hey hey, just let me know you're thinkin about me." - Mary J. Blige on that T.I. track, "Remember Me"

My heart wasn't sure. I'm most certain that the love that I was giving was not the love that I was getting. I needed to be safe and I needed to be secure. I was not. Not many motions were made to let me know I was being thought of. 

I wasn't treated as if I was special. I believe I was taken for granted. I believe I deserved more than what I was being offered. I wasn't given the attention and treatment that I desired. No amount of conversation could fix it. It doesn't matter how much I love someone...if they just can't or won't treat me the way I need to be treated, then it's time to move on. I put her first in everything I do and I deserve the same. My feelings run deep and there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her...but enough is enough. 

The relationship has been rocky, she let me down at the worst possible time, and I know that I am better than how she wanted to do me. Every 3-4 days, it was something. On their own, they wouldn't be huge problems. But when I stack it all up and really take a look at it, it isn't worth it. She can be downright rude sometimes, just plain disrespectful, not mindful of her actions or behaviors and how they affect me. The last straw was last week. She was irritated at me for something, and instead of addressing it with me like an adult to find out why I did what I did, she elected to ignore me for a whole day. In the words of my favorite clown: HOMIE DON'T PLAY DAT! To set the whole thing off, I was actually still going to think about it for a few days before I made a decision, despite being completely turned off and unhappy. I expressed my negative feelings to her. Late that night, she wanted to know if we were still together. Upon me telling her that I didn't know...she said "It's yes or no." A test? Okay. NO! 

It's sad to see something that I put so much time and energy and emotion into end. 

But I feel frreeee! 

I'm alright. I'm just glad that I finally mustered up the strength to declare myself better than that. I've been in an altered state of mind since my father passed, deservedly and understandably so. A touch of depression, some anxiety. I've had chronic chest pains for the last 2-3 months. Worrying about that relationship was not helping anything, by any means. I am glad that I am beginning to get over the blues and the anxiety and glad to have that stress, literally, off my chest. 

We'll be friends, for sure. She can't be close with me right now, but in time, I'm certain that we'll be kool with one another. And as for loneliness and being sad about the breakup, I'm not worried. Love will make itself known again in my life, no doubt. 

Friday, September 25, 2009

my blog lives...

My friend Ashley has been my friend since we were in the same 4th grade class together. She texted me this morning, in distress, wanting to know what had happened to my blog. So, I figured I would take some time this afternoon to breathe a little life into it. 

I spent my 26th birthday out in DC with Shanee. I had so much fun. I'm not sure how exciting it was for her, she was born and raised there...but I think she enjoyed showing me so many things. She took me to the Redskins-Steelers preseason game, which was great. We went on a night tour of DC. We went to King's Dominion in VA. It had been a really long time since I rode any roller coasters, but it was a lot of fun. We ate and ate and ate, I had ice cream every single day. It was my first birthday since my dad died, so it was bound to be difficult, and it was. Just couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't receive all the birthday calls I was supposed to have gotten. It was nice being with Shanee though. As much as it drives me crazy how nonchalant she is and how she's so non-emotional, it definitely serves its purpose. Being around someone who does not dwell on the negative things and who refuses to spend time thinking about the past and is always focused on forward progression is a nice thing at times. Plus, she's funny. She cracks me up completely, so it's hard to feel too bad when she made it her business to make sure I was smiling the whole week. We definitely got good and into it a few times, but nothin irreparable.

The past couple weeks have been extremely rocky for the two of us. I went and saw the new Tyler Perry movie, and it basically ripped open all the emotional wounds that I thought were healing. The death of a parent cut me deep, for obvious reasons. Then the portrayal of how she was treated by her "boyfriend" just made it worse because my girl didn't support me much at all during my father's passing. It hurt all over again. Just watching it was enough to make me feel so bad, all over again. It's like it unleashed all the anger and resentment and ill feelings I had for her all over again. I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm not really over how she treated me. I kind of wonder if I ever will be. I'll probably never forget some of the things she said, how she acted towards me. It was all so selfish. Just downright cold and insensitive at times. She has apologized for it twelve million times and I've said plenty of hateful and evil things to her that didn't make me feel better, not a single ounce. I've told her that I accept her apology, but it's like I'm not sure how to truly forgive her and put it behind us. And now, every single thing that takes place is stained by how she treated me during March/April. Almost 7 months later and I still don't know how to just move on from it. In my mind, I'm truly convinced that no matter how many times she apologizes, says she wasn't thinking clearly, will never do it again, so on and so forth....she's already shown me that she doesn't care about me, she doesn't love me, she isn't supportive, I can't rely on her, and that I shouldn't be with her. With all that being worked around in my head, every little thing that happens turns into a huge ordeal because I'm ready to break up at every turn. I just feel very torn and confused. We've talked about it and talked about it and it doesn't get much better. I'm not sure what else to really do about it. I love her enough to keep working at it, but she's got one more time to hurt me until we're done forever. 

My workout plan is going well. I'm still meeting my goals, the best that I can with my cheat days thrown in. I'm definitely going to have to stop doing those...they surely impede progress. I can tell a difference when I've been eating bad. It doesn't take much of a cheat to make a difference either. I don't plan to completely deprive myself, but way more restriction and control will be practiced. A girl I met recently told me something that made good sense...the weight will come off, but even once I've reached my goal, the pizzas and ice cream and other crap will still be there and chances are, I'm not going to want it then. So true! 

I got cable a few weeks ago. I haven't had cable in my house in 8 years. And I am completely addicted to tv now. It's quite unfortunate. I am so seduced by all sorts of, reality shows, dramas, comedies...all of it. I never thought I would be so into things like Supernanny and Wife Swap. I completely love not having to go to a bar or restaurant to watch football as well, I can just watch from the comfort of my own couch. It's great! Shanee asked me a couple weeks ago though, "what happened to the book-loving Erika I used to know?" And it really struck me that I don't read at all anymore. Ever since I got cable, I don't blog, I don't read books, I don't read blogs....I just stare at the TV with my eyes glazed over. It's kind of sad. 

I'm getting my future worked out. I'll post the plans in detail when I have some confirmations!

Another weekend is here and I'm not sure what to do with it. Sleep? Watch tv?! Go see a movie? Take a book to Starbucks? Hit the club? 

Sunday, August 16, 2009

finally, the fair

Yesterday was a glorious day. I slept until after noon, played on the computer almost the whole day, video chatted with the girlfriend, just had a nice afternoon. (If it hasn't been obvious to anyone, I've been in a funk for about two weeks, perhaps longer. Just funky.) I'm happy to say that my chin is back up, my spirits are high, and I'm ready to be more than just "blah" all the time. I actually enjoy time to myself, I don't drive myself crazy if I'm alone or without activity for more than a few hours. I'm an extrovert by nature, so when I'm feeling unhappy, it's double hard to just sit alone. Now I'm back to being able to handle it and be comfortable with it. 

That evening, I went out to eat with a friend, Lizzy. Another of our friends was supposed to come with us, but she ended up having other obligations. We ate at Olive Garden, went to Trader Joe's in search of this particular wine, went to Cold Stone, then Dave and Buster's. We were driving along and Lizzy was looking at the stores and buildings we were passing and I guess her eyes didn't focus properly because she was like "What's Dave and Jamiyah's?" So that's what we called Dave and Buster's for the rest of the night. It was hilarious.

When we were done winning all our tickets, we parted ways. As we were leaving, another friend invited me to TGI Friday's. I went for lack of anything better to do. It was her and her friend Nisha. Nisha is really nice, every man that sees her tries to get on, she's cute. We've met on a trillion occasions. The friend that we have in common seems to always invite the two of us to do things, so we've hung out a million times. But I get the feeling that this girl does not want to be my friend outside of the mutual friendship that we have. I don't know if it's just because I don't strike her as cool enough or funny enough or I just don't seem like the type of person that she gets close to. Or if she doesn't feel comfortable befriending a lesbian. I don't know what it is. But she definitely holds me at arm's length. We were all planning a road trip once and I told them that I would look up hotel information and text it. I looked at her and said, "I don't have your number.." and she replied, "no, you don't." And looked at me. She wasn't going to give it either, obviously. In my head, I was like, "oh.." It was a bit odd for the next 10 minutes or so. It isn't like I only met her last month...I've known her for three years. We hold conversation. Our friend was on the phone last night for awhile and she and I carried on a decent conversation. When we had went to the casino a few weeks ago, our friend sat at the roulette table for about 2-3 hours and her and I walked around together and played the slot machines and had a good time. Or so I thought. She obviously doesn't want me contacting her though and I guess I have to respect that, but it's kind of weird. 

I finally got to go to the fair today. One of my friends from freshmen year of college came in town and wanted to go, so I jumped at the opportunity. I've wanted to go since it started, but no one has been willing to go with me. Excuses range from they've already been, it's too hot, they don't like the fair, they aren't comfortable there without having a child with them...just anything. I remarked to Shanee that it's kind of sad that I had to wait for someone from out of town to go with me. None of my friends here would go. I respect and understand that sometimes people just don't want to do things, so they won't. But if these same people contact me and ask me to go somewhere or do something, I typically do it. Simply because they asked. It wasn't going to hurt anyone to go twice, or to sweat a little, or to smile and make the best of it, or just get over the fact that they're an adult who came to the fair and not just purely for the amusement of a child. I'm not asking for anything expensive. I'm not suggesting that we go somewhere far away or extremely time-consuming. The fair is a pretty decent racial mix and all different kinds of people go, so it's not expecting anyone to step into some environment where they'd be the only one or something [not that there's anything wrong with that, I do it all the time]. I'm not suggesting a rare cuisine...there's food at the fair for everyone. There's all different types of music. I don't care much for the livestock, so we wouldn't have to go near the stinky barns. Basically, what it comes down to, is that I feel like it's shitty that the one time I want to do something that isn't the same old shit we always do, no one is down for it. It was so simple, just the state fair. I'm cool with a few people who pretty much do everything on their own because they can't rely on anyone else. I am about to seriously try my damndest to adopt that attitude. If no one is down to go somewhere that I want to go, I'll just go alone. That's hard for me because I typically feel that 75% of an experience is the company you're with. That's what sets things off, that's what makes things for me. But I will definitely find some sort of middle ground that I'm comfortable with because I won't miss anything else due to lack of someone to go with. Shanee always tells me that if she were here, she'd go with me. I know that it's true because when we're together, I'm always wanting to do something that she has zero interest in, but she smiles and does it anyway because I want to. That's what girlfriends do. So maybe I won't have to be in that situation much longer anyhow...

Well, it's only 10 and I am seriously considering going to bed already...