Tuesday, April 28, 2009

E, a player?! Noooooo...

Friend admitted last week that when we met last year, she automatically had it made up in her mind that I was a player. Not because I have so much game or my swag is just ridiculous...she just looked at me and decided. Based on my appearance, she assumed I must keep a bunch of females. She said she realized after being around me for awhile that I'm not a stud (she thinks all studs are players). I asked what brought her to that realization and she said "because you said you weren't." I rolled my eyes hard at that lol. After some prompting and digging, she listed off my characteristics that aren't typically attributed to a stud and we got on the same page about who and what I am. Apparently it took quite a few conversations for her to realize that I'm soft. Anyhow, I've explained to her that there's Single Erika and there's Relationship Erika. Relationship Erika plays no games. Single Erika seems to kind of love games.

She told me on Sunday that I'd been a player this past weekend. Truth be told, I did surround myself with various women all weekend. I woke up with one chick Sunday morning, then took another one to lunch, then went for drinks with a third. I don't consider this playing. I'm single and I'm just dating. Playing would be if I was in a relationship with one of these ladies and I'm definitely not. So, no harm no foul. However, I feel like each of them turned it up a notch (in small ways) this weekend. Lady Uno (the one who I got adventurous with on Saturday night lol) invited me on a trip this summer. Lady Dos would not let me know where she lived when we first met because she's dealt with stalkers in the past...but on Sunday, she gave me the green light to kick it at her crib whenever I wanted. Lady Tres (she talks way too damn much) now wants me to be cupcakin' on the phone all night, which is a no-no. And on top of that, she's just ignorant as hell...she wanted to discuss my racial background, so I told her. She laughed and said "so you really don't even have a race!" I was silent. wtf.

I don't know if Shanee reads this blog anymore or not. I have a feeling that she doesn't. But a small part of me is waiting on her to read it one day and then go the hell off.

It's no secret that I'm really diggin' my Friend. She's just all-around great. I can't really identify at what point my feelings really went through a growth spurt, but she definitely has my attention in a way that it hasn't been caught in a good lil minute. Of course, the timing is absolutely horrible and it makes it uncomfortable to be so wide open. She expressed to me last week that she would like it if she got to hear my voice every now and then...I'm a texter and honestly tried to just get a data plan when I bought that Blackberry awhile back. No need to call anyone or have anyone call me lol. I just don't really get into the phone really. Anyhow, ever since that conversation, I've been clockin a lot of hours on the telephone. And I'm not even opposed to it. I've actually enjoyed it quite a bit. However, I'm not so far in yet that I've just thrown all precaution to the wind. I realize that I'm really setting myself up for some serious disappointment and hurt feelings. That boyfriend situation is really complicating things. There's such a force...I feel her drawing nearer to me and simulataneously keeping me at arm's length. I'm just gonna go with it...see what happens. Keep on datin the other women and being whatever Friend wants me to be.

My mother has hassled me about going to grad school so much lately that it's disgusting. I don't even want to hear about education. There still is not a single progressive thought in my brain. If it ain't about women or having a good time, I'm not interested. I'm not thinking about the future, a career, getting a better job, or advancing my education. The thought of all of that just makes me nauseous. I was reading some really old journal entries from my paper files today and ran across one that made me smile. It remined me that I didn't used to be like this. I did used to look at situations and the world around me and feel something. I didn't always have such a superficial existence. Here it is..it's from 2006.

Seven white people are leaving Starbucks, one black man is approaching the entrance. He holds the door for the first six people and the last white man ushers him in and says "after you sir, you've been patient long enough."

I can't wait until I get back into a state of mind where I'm actually thinking again. I'm surprised that girls even like me these days...I'm so blank. So surface. I'm offering nothing. I swear I can actually hear myself going "doo doo dooo dooodoood doo dooo" in my mind. Like elevator music. There's nothing. I wish I could be a fly on the wall while I go on these dates. I'd like to see just how blank my face is. It's amazing what grief and life-changing situations can do to a person.


Sunday, April 26, 2009

Good Lovin

Good things come to those that keep an open mind. Especially sexually.

Without telling way too many details, I let some shit happen last night that I've never been into.

And I was in for a real treat.

Friday, April 24, 2009

An Invitation

Opened up the mailbox like a typical-ass day. There's a red envelope. An invitation. My brother and his fiance, Jackie, are throwing a barbecue in a couple weeks as a chance to mingle the families. I found myself wiping tears off the invitation as I looked it over.

1. My baby brother, at 22, has a house, a beautiful woman by his side, a beautiful precious baby boy on the way, and is throwing his first-ever barbecue, complete with cute invitations in the mail. I've watched each stage of his life unfold and I can't believe how quickly he's gotten it together. I love him with an intensity that is scary. I can't imagine how I will feel about my own kids, if I ever have any, if this is how I feel about my brother. I'm so proud of him. He has truly gotten his life together and quickly too. I remember all too well the days I would wake up to a ringing phone and my mother frantically telling me all the mess that my brother had gotten himself into...the random hole in the dining room wall that's the perfect size of someone's head....the ring of rust in the bathtub, the exact same size as a keg....the 20 pairs of Victoria Secret panties strewn around his room after she'd been gone for a weekend.....the pounds of marijuana she found stashed around her house.....the morning she left for work and found him asleep in the garage, his driver from the previous night was too pussy to ring the doorbell so they kindly left his passed-out body in the garage.....the morning he called her from jail asking for a ride home. Just everything that he's done, everything he put my parents through, it all just seems like someone else did it. The young man that we see today is not that person. Everytime that Justin Timberlake song comes on, I think about him. The old him really is dead and gone. Now, he can still party and cut the hell up when he gets ready, but he really does have it together now. It's enough to bring tears to my eyes.

2. I, as well as the rest of my family, have to prepare for a summer of cooking out without my dad. I don't even know if my brother's barbecue is good...he learned from the best, but I've never ate anything that he grilled. My father used to put on with the cookouts. They were famous. When Keith McGee fired up the grill, you had better hope you were around before the food was gone. If my dad said he was grillin, I would call off work and everything. It was worth it. What's more important....a day's pay, or shootin the shit with family and friends, eatin some fire-ass food, and drinkin cold beer as the sun goes down?? Obviously option number 2. I am so thankful that I had the sense to realize that at the time and I have all the memories and whatnot from those times with him that I can't get back. I just can't even imagine a cookout without him. The barbecued food I remember most is from a night that I was 17. My mother had cut my hair for the very first time, so I walked through the house to find him and noticed him out on the patio, standin over the grill, turnin chicken. I watched him pause, grab his beer, and bottoms up on it. I flung the door open and he looked up at me as I stood there with less than an inch of hair, and in his shock and surprise, spit the beer all over the grill. He broke out in a huge grin and told me how great it looked. I've never really been real pressed about having my mother's approval for anything...his was all I was truly after. Anyhow, that night we ate delicious food. He made me promise to keep it a secret that he spit beer all over it. I guess just summer in general is going to be hard to deal with. He got attacked by birds once because he was sittin out on the deck on a cool spring evening and began doing bird calls....he was so talented at it, that two male birds kept coming closer and closer to him and he kept doing the mating call or whatever, and the two male birds got territorial, I guess...and they flew past him and upside his head with some real intensity...he had scratches. This time of year makes me think about those things. I know that my brother's shindig is going to be pretty tough. Just that laid back atmosphere, I can't believe we won't share anymore cookouts together. Again, it brought on a lot of tears.

I'll never underestimate the power of a little invitation in the mail again...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Christina Aguilera

Yesterday was the longest, most boring day of my life. I was offically on the clock at work for 14 hours. I spent the first half at a Diversity & Inclusion workshop. It was semi-educational, mostly a bunch of no-brainer type things. It gave me plenty of thinkin' time. I thought about the things going on right now and I came to a conclusion. I want to date a white girl. A true white girl. An anglo. Not one that hangs around a bunch of black people and acts ghetto. Not one with a whole bunch of attitude. I don't even want her to have soul or any sort of rhythm about her. Just white as white can be. I don't want her to like rap music, I don't want her to wanna go to black clubs, I don't want her to use a bunch of slang. None of it. I want something completely different. If I ever happen to run across a black girl with these qualities, I'm snatchin her up for sure. But I do want to date a white girl, just once. I almost got one's number a few weeks ago. Lady Gaga was playing at the club and I sang along to one of the lines and this blond chick threw her arms around my neck and was like "you know Lady Gaga, you steal my heeeaarrttt!!" She was cute, but I decided she was too drunk to really converse with. I think I've just been overwhelmed by ghetto chicks lately. I really do need to move away from Indianapolis, to a bigger city where there's more people to choose from. Everybody is so hood around here, it seems. Maybe I'm not hanging around the right people or going to the right places, but I'm growing discouraged. I don't want a cursin, ghetto broad that's ready to fight at a moment's notice. That seems to be what Indianapolis is full of. Can't I just get a nice young lady that's single and knows how to act like she's got some sense? Where are the women whose cell phone isn't on disconnect every other month?? Can I meet a young lady who doesn't always have her sister's kids, or her neighbor's kids, or just some random kids that don't belong to her with her?? I want a young lady that doesn't smoke. Can I call a chick just once and ask her to go out and just get a simple yes without her having to "get a ride back from my cuzin house, then run to the beauty supply, see what time I'm supposed to braid RoRo's hair, and wait for my sister to come pick up my nephew." It'll be 11:30 at night before all that gets completed! I get so sick of that. Just tell me no. Direct me to another date on the calendar that you might have free, or at least less random chores and errands to do for other people. What makes me even more sick is dealing with females that keep pushing things back because of disorganization and chaos that they have in their life. Don't make plans with me for 5, then call me at 4:50 and say you need an hour. It's so unattractive, on top of rude and disrespectful. More often than not, these are the types of women I run across. No act-right at all. A woman that has her shit together and seems like she's got a clue about how to treat a person and how to act is a real prize around here. I'm sure they do exist and I just haven't ran across them yet. I already know what half the deal is too...the women that have it together or are working very hard in an attempt to have it all the way together, I'm friends with them. Or like my one Friend, they're already involved in something else. *sigh*

Speaking of Friend, we discussed things a little more today. Not really in-depth, but we shared feelings. She admitted that she fell hard for me back when we first met, in October. She said that now, since she's got a man and all, she has been really just swallowing her feelings and ignoring them, minus Saturday. I asked her is it really fair to her boyfriend that she's with him, but actively trying to squash feelings for someone else? Her response was "what can I do about it?" I told her that it was for her to decide. I really think that she does want to be with him and just wishes she didn't like me. The whole time we talked today, I had that same feeling that something was going unsaid. I felt like she wanted me to dig deep and reveal some intense feelings or something, but she wanted to give up very little. She wants to fight it bad. I did go ahead and tell her I missed her and asked when I was going to see her again and she said "the weekend after Mother's Day." I told her that it was too long from now and she said I could come stay with her next Thursday night. I really and truly am not going to do anything that night. I am not touching her unless she touches me first. I kind of wish nothing had happened and that nothing changed between us. Our affectionate friendship was perfect before anybody's feelings came to the surface.

I'm sleepy...

Monday, April 20, 2009

Saturday night...

Saturday night was interesting.

My friend (I'm not creative enough to try and nickname her for the sake of blogging about her lol) got here around 10ish. We got dressed and ready to go. We gave each other the up and down before we walked out the door and she mumbled something to herself that she refused to repeat. We got to the club and met up with one of her ex's and the ex's current girlfriend. They were nice. We just drank, danced, and had a good time. Everything was perfectly friendly until we were walking away from the bar at one point and I had her around the waist and she gazed up into my eyes and was like "I'm emotional when I drink...I think I should leave my boyfriend and be with you." I shrugged my shoulders at her and gave her the clueless face. We kept drinking and dancing. After awhile, she led me to a chair in the back corner of the club and sat me down and gave me the lap dance of all lap dances. I'm mildly ashamed of how trashy it got...but you can only bounce your breasts in a super low shirt one centimeter in front of my face for so long before I'm latching on. I ended up leaving big black hickies. Not red, not purple....black. All over her cleavage. When they announced that it was last song and last call, we left. I'm not sure how the night was prefaced to the ex, but she said she liked me and told my friend that we look really good together. Makes me wonder what was said about me before we all met up. Friend seemed really happy that Ex liked me. That's twice now that she's been happy about somebody liking me. I met her mother and one of her sisters a couple weeks ago and she was happy that I made a good impression with them too (they are super religious and DO NOT LIKE girls like me). We left the club and rode back to my house, her up on her knees so that she can lay her head on my shoulder. We got to the crib and went inside and it was on. When we were through, the first thing out of her mouth was "forreal?!" I just looked at her. Then she was like "OHHH EMMM GEEEE...you'll never be with me now, will you? Because of what we just did, you'll never be able to trust me." Again, blank face from me. Then she started talking about how she appreciates my friendship and she's so happy that she has me to talk to throughout the day. I decided to open up and tell her that I appreciate our friendship too. We were quiet for awhile. Then she was like "you're feelin me?" I looked at her with a question mark on my face. She was like "a couple weeks ago, you told me that you low-key kind of liked me." I had forgotten about that. I did tell her that a couple weeks ago. She had remarked that she's glad I don't treat her the way she sees me treat some women and I got a little into my feelings and told her that I low-key kinda liked her. It's true. I went on ahead and told her all the reasons I liked her and the "awwwww's" got louder and more drawn out the more I talked. But then she brought it all back down to reality..."I love him and you love her." She was right. No reason to even keep talking about any of it. We were quiet for a while longer and then she began thanking me again, for being who I am. Then she was like "you are such a good catch, I hope you know that." I just nodded. She was like "no, do you know that?" I nodded again. She was like "no, I want to hear you acknowledge it." So I told her "I'm a good-ass person and anybody would be lucky to have me." That satisfied her, even though I didn't feel really good about what I'd just done. She spent a few minutes kissing my face, then the other truth set in. She had hickies all over and would be going back to her man's house soon. I laughed hard at her as she freaked out about it. That was right around the time that her boyfriend called and told her that he was off work and if she was still up, he wanted her to come over. She got her clothes on and left.

The next day, she felt extremely guilty and horrible. I apologized for my part in that. She said she takes full responsibility for what happened. She's worried because those hickies are not going to be gone anytime soon and she says that even though he's lame, her boyfriend is quite intuitive and can sense things. I really hope that nothing happens and her relationship stays intact. She does love him a lot, I guess, and I think she would be really heartbroken if he wasn't in her life. I honestly do wish that we had the freedom to do what feels so natural between us though. I don't necessarily want to, nor do I have the emotional capacity right now to, be in a relationship with her (trust would be an issue on both sides probably), I just want us to be able to do what feels good and right without guilt or hesitation. I want to have my cake and eat it too. Obviously so does she.


Saturday, April 18, 2009

I had a date last night...

I had a date last night. It was okay. Sparks didn't fly or anything. I just took her to dinner, we went to my favorite Japanese steakhouse. The rice was overcooked, which has never happened before, but the steak and sushi were definitely on point, as per usual. Her conversation was good, she's very smart, has two degrees and working on the 3rd, she's got a nice smile and very engaging eyes. She accused me of having a complex because I wouldn't let her leave the tip. I had to explain to her that when I was a child, my mom only cooked about 4 nights a week and the rest of the time, we were at restaurants. During these dinner outings, my father would talk to my brother about dating and courtship and how to treat a lady. He told him that when a pretty young lady was out with him, she shouldn't reach anywhere near her billfold. Little did he know, I was also taking notes during those little lessons. When I'm out with a pretty young lady, she doesn't go in her pockets. And definitely not on the first, second, third, or even fourth date. It was damn near a year before I let Shanee pay for anything when we were together. I convinced her that it wasn't a complex, I was just indirectly raised like that. The girl did drop a serious bomb though...she's got 3 kids. That's a no-no for me right now. After dinner, she asked me what I was doing. I answered honestly and said nothing. She said she had a birthday party to attend and invited me along for the second half of the celebration when they moved the party to a club downtown. I told her to hit me up when they got there. I realized this morning that I never heard back from her...when I got home, I ended up on the phone with Shanee for 4 hours and we went to sleep on there, which hasn't happened in like 3 months so it was nice.

More interesting though, my friend from my last post texted and asked me what I was doing last night...

Me: just showered and got dressed so i can take this chick to dinner
Her: aw, gettin you a team put together?
Me: yeah, somethin like that
Her: don't forget about me :-(
Me: why the frown face?!
Her: idk

I had that feeling in my gut that something was going unsaid. (ha, I just got a text from the woman from last night "hey you, thank you again for dinner i had a good time getting to know you. i didn't make it out last night which is why i didn't call or text..i was sleep! LOL") I don't want to say that she's catching feelings, but it would explain not being real happy that I went on a date and am actively entertaining myself with women. And when I got off the date, she wanted to hear every last detail. Her boyfriend works security at a club, so she asked me if she could stay with me tonight while he works and I agreed. We'll see how it goes. We're going to the gay club (there's only one black one in Indy). I offered to go to the club that her boyfriend works at and even offered to stay with her until it closes at 3 so that she could just go home with him...and she declined. I got into it really bad with a friend yesterday and she wanted to hear the details and I told her that it's a story for tonight if she ends up coming over and she was like "what do you mean, if?" Basically telling me that she's definitely coming. And this sudden guilt over our conversation and affection...all of it combined just makes me think that there's something going through her mind that she isn't trying to say. We'll see how the night goes...liquor, a warm rainy night, and both of us in the bed. I've already got it made up in my mind that I'm going to stay on my side and keep my hands to myself.

My eyelid is no longer twitching. It's shuddering now. I'm growing increasingly concerned about it.

I bought a bike yesterday! It's black and silver and I cannot wait until I have time to ride it! I'm purposely not drinking a ton tonight because I want to be able to get up early and hit the trails before I have to head to my hometown.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

End of a Friendship

I got the results back from my CT scan. Negative. Praise Jah. Such good news. Now, if we could just discover what's really goin on. I have had intense heartburn everyday since that initial attack last Monday. And it feels like something is growing in the left side of my abdomen. When I lay down, it feels like I'm laying on top of something. It isn't painful, just very uncomfortable. I've started taking some fake-me-out prilosec. It's only working kind of. My mom thinks I've got some sort of extreme acid reflux brought on by stress, or a hiatal hernia or an ulcer. I plan to discuss it all with my doctor at my follow-up appt on the 24th. The twitch was just about gone...but then yesterday, it came back with a vengeance. Just twitchin all crazy. And hard too. I think people would be able to see it if they looked closely enough.

It was a beautiful day in Indianapolis today. My friend Ashley and I went down to Broad Ripple and walked the Monon Trail for about an hour and got some fresh air. Then had dinner at an outdoor Mexican restaurant. (I know, eating Mexican is not wise when I know I've got this intense heartburn issue.) It was an enjoyable evening. I believe I'll be purchasing a bicylce in the very near future. Storage might be a slight issue, but I'd love to have a bike to ride this spring and summer. I would ride to work if I could convince myself to get up early enough. The only real downfall would be showing up to work sweating, but Ashley reminded me that if that's the worst part of it, then it's really not anything to worry about. I agree, there's worse things in life than pit stains on the job. It's not like I have some fancy job. I print pictures. Who.cares.

I hate the fact that such a normal, healthy, *beautiful* part of being a woman just kicks my ass. Each and every month. I get my ass handed to me on a platter. I've been at this for 13 years now...and I still wish death upon myself each and every time.

I bought another blackberry the other day. The curve 8900. It was time for an upgrade. I lost my blackberry a long time ago and replaced it with a Dash, which was a major mistake. That phone gave me nothing but problems. Over the weekend, when the metal part of it that surrounded the screen and buttons began separating from the rest of the phone, I decided I'd had enough. It was time for a replacement. I'm so happy to be back with a Blackberry. It took me a few minutes to get reacquainted with it, but I love the processing system so much better. It's worth some of the minor inconveniences.

So, I have a friend. I've been friends with her for about 7 months. She's really nice, very sweet, smart, in college, always smells like this wonderful mixture of Dove soap and shea butter, very pretty, and most important, we can talk. She takes me as I am, listens to me, gives me space to be who I am, no judging involved. I've decided that all those things found in one person is really rare. She's bisexual and currently has a boyfriend. But she likes to cuddle. She loves to cuddle. When her and I are together, we're affectionate. We hold hands, I kiss her face, I rub her feet and legs, she sleeps on my chest with her arms wrapped tightly around my midsection, our heads and faces are smashed together as we talk early in the morning, she likes to rest her hands at the very top of my inner thighs - grazin me thru my draws. We do all of this with no problem. I caressed her breast through a movie once and that was alright too. But today, she tells me that she's feeling guilty about some of our conversation because we tend to get sexual from time to time. Now, I know that the things we say and do to one another are downright inappropriate since she's in a relationship. But I just follow her lead. If she likes it, I love it. But she threw me for a loop today...saying she's guilty about our conversation, but all of our actions have never been a problem. Then she broke my heart when she said that she isn't certain how much longer we can continue to be affectionate like that with one another. I enjoy our friendship because of the ease with which we communicate and the affection. She's like the perfect friend. In this situation, it's also frustrating because her boyfriend is such a lame. He doesn't compliment her, he doesn't treat her like she should be treated, he disappoints her at least thrice a week. I feel like she needs to just leave him alone and keep on being friends with me the way we like to be friends. I can't just say that to her though. She just loves him so damn much. I'm just jaded and hate love right now and she knows that. I asked how come she suddenly felt this guilt and I don't think I really got a straight answer, but oh well. I suppose it doesn't matter. She said something about how she would be livid if he was talking about and doing the same things we were. She's right about that...I wouldn't want my girlfriend to entertain the type of things that her and I do. It's clearly way past the lines of friendship. But we just have that vibe together...that's the nature of our friendship. It's affectionate. They say that what goes around comes around...I'll probably pay dearly for this. This sounds horrible, but I don't even know if I know how to be friends with her without the physical vibe. I'm not sure I know how to converse with her without sayin something semi-vulgar. It's just disappointing.


Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter Weekend & Certifiable

About 6 years ago, I worked at Red Lobster. During my time there, I befriended two guys. They were the best of friends and had been since kindergarten. One of them went away to the Navy. The other began having sex with his girlfriend in his absence. This all happened about 3 years ago. And tonight was the first time they'd seen one another since everything went sour. I was invited to hang out with the two of them. I went along and truly hoped that there would be no drama involved. I believe I was invited for that purpose...so nobody would get too into their feelings and throw a fist or anything. In my opinion, it went beautifully. I think they felt a little awkward at times though. I believe they are on their way to getting their friendship back. I certainly hope so because I miss hanging with the both of them together. Part of what made it so awkward is that it's been three years since we have all had something in common...if one of them started to talk to me about something, we would have to bring the other up to speed. I feel like 25 years is a long time to have been around and I've honestly never been in that position before. It was different.

Shanee and I just might be certifiably nuts. One day last week, we spent 10 hours fighting. A whole ten hours. From the moment I woke up until well after I was off work. Just straight arguing. It was so exhausting and draining. Then the next day, she bought me a pair of jeans and I told her I wanted to meet her in an exotic location this summer. We're just up and down, back and forth. We make each other absolutely sick, but can't leave each other alone. Another day last week, she asked me about my dealings with other females and I told her straight up what I've been up to. I don't think she thought that I would be honest with her because in the past, I've always told her that what I do when we're on breaks is not her business. She thanked me for being real, but she wasn't impressed. I wouldn't have expected her to be. I guess she just knows me. She knows how I am and how I feel about things. Sex is sex and feelings are feelings. I don't combine the two. If I happen to find somebody in which both things line up nicely, then I've really scored. I guess she's confident in the fact that she's got my heart in a choke hold and whatever else I do while she takes her space or whatever, is just that...something to do. Like I told her...I am more sad, lonely, and bored than what I let on and women alleviate some of that. Books, movies, the internet, and other things I could be doing with my time just don't engage me enough. They're a nice distraction for a little while, but it's not satisfactory.

This Easter season, I went to two passion plays, plus church on Sunday with my mom. It was truly enjoyable. I desperately needed to be reminded of God's love for me and just how intense it is. My mom cooked a whole bunch of food and it was delicious. I'm glad she did that because it gave me hope that she isn't going to curl up and stop living on the rest of us. She went wild a lil bit too though...said that the Saturday before, she was missing my dad real bad and she needed a distraction, so she went shopping. The result of her shopping trip was Easter baskets for me, Devin, and Jackie. I've never in my life gotten an Easter basket like this one...it had green grapes, red grapes, apples, oranges, peaches, pears, granola bars, four kinds of chocolate, dried fruit, mixed nuts, eggs, and 50 dollars. Best Easter basket ever. And yet-to-be-born baby Damien got his first Easter bunny, a ball, and my grandfather's coin collection from 1972. My uncle was kind of looking at my mom like "this grieving woman has lost her mind." She typically doesn't put on like that. I guess she meant it when she said that she really needed a distraction because with all the food and basket-loading she did, I know she was busy for at least 9 hours. I sat and stared at Damien's 3d ultrasound pictures for like 40 minutes. I am just so enthralled with/by him. I cannot wait to meet him. To hold him. The little man with the big round eyes and a bump in his nose with thick lips. He's precious. No denying he's my brother's child...flipping off the camera in-utero. And there is absolutely no denying that he's a man...


Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Lessons to All in avoiding disorganization and chaos

Don't ever go to bed with a dead cell phone not knowing what time you have to be at work the next day.

Don't ever go to bed with a dead cell phone not knowing what time you have to be at work the next day while in the bed of a beautiful woman in a town an hour and a half away.

Don't let it be feelin so good the next morning that you literally wait until the last second to jump out of the sheets and throw last night's outfit back on and rush out the door. (while only guessing what time you have to be at work.)

Don't do all this on a night/morning that it snows in April because there isn't time to be clearing the car off.

Don't ever stop at Starbucks when the oldest person working in the building appears to have just turned 18...you'll have to explain 4 times how you want your drink made, then still wait 10 minutes for the hungover college students to pass your cup back and forth and snicker about your appearance as they add ingredients.

Don't ever hit the interstate in the snow/freezing rain mixture going 80mph in an attempt to get to a job that you're still only guessing what time you're due at. Your visibility will be horrible and semis will make it twelve times worse.

By the time you make it home and see your schedule, there will only be time for FPP. (When I was very young, my cousin and I would have sleepovers at my grandparents' house. My grandmother was too old and tired, I guess, to get two little girls ready for church, so she would call my aunt to come over and dress us and in the meantime, she would send us in the bathroom and tell us that there wasn't time for a full bath, we just have to wash FPP. We would ask what FPP is and she'd reply "face, pits, and pussy.")

Don't ever complete FPP and be feeling like you are about to die from hunger.

Don't ever look at the clock and realize that you have exactly 15 minutes to leave the house, obtain food, and be clocked in.

It can't end well.

Don't ever eat two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's in a ten-minute span.

You will have chest pains so bad that you will be doubled over at work and then taken to the emergency room.

You will look like an idiot when the doctor does an EKG and it comes out perfect, asks your symptoms ten times, declares that you have an intense case of heartburn, and then gives you an antacid and sends you on your way.

This was my Monday. 10 mistakes led to a lot of heartache, literally.


Friday, April 3, 2009

Random Happenings

I'm happy to report that I actually kind of like my eyebrows now.

I went to the doctor's office this morning to have my blood drawn. My doctor wants to rule out diabetes as the reason for why I'm having sensation errors and why my vision gets stupid when I work out. (My mother suggested that I just stop working out - I couldn't believe the words even left her lips.) He said that my blood sugar may dip extremely low when I work out and that could be why my vision gets dumb. I got out of bed and rolled to the doctor's office...didn't drink any water or anything. And my veins were nowhere to be found. Three nurses were in there slapping my arms and doing everything they could think of to make it easy. In the end, they had to just insert a needle and kind of dig around. I wanted to cry. I kept it together, but I've got a nice blue and purple bruise from it. Not impressive.

My mother has began going through my father's things. And it turns out that he was quite the journal-keeper. Turns out that we are more alike than what I previously thought. I blog, but there are things written with pen and paper that will never make it to the internet. Anyhow, she is reading them. And she's not very happy about what she's discovering. My parents were divorced for 5 years and when they got back married, my mother asked him how many girlfriends he'd had. He told her zero and said he hadn't had sex with anyone else. Big fat lie. She's reading in his journals that he was having the best sex of his life in 2007. She was insulted by that. And it hurt her a lot, that even at 55 years old, their 2nd time around at the marriage thing, he still could look her in the eye and just blatantly lie. She married him initially when he was 21, and she wasn't impressed with his lapses in honesty then. I guess, like most women, she figured that he would grow and change. But no. I know it's not respectful or probably even appropriate to discuss the character flaws of the deceased, but it is what it is. My mom said she's happy to learn that he wasn't completely alone during their divorced years, but I don't think she was expecting to discover everything that she's found. I suggested that she stop reading. It's not making her happy. Plus, those were his private thoughts.

I had a small, yet very good, conversation with Shanee about this. My father and I are strikingly similar, in both looks and personality. I have been knowing for a long time that we're similar and so I try my damndest not to exhibit his negative qualities, like story-telling. I abhor lying because I saw first-hand what it does to a relationship. I try really hard not to be like him in the negative ways...and like I told Shanee, in trying so hard not to be bad in his ways, it has made me horrible in other ways. At times, I'm hypocritical, I'm very demanding, and I can be quite nitpicky. For all of that, I'm sure some people would just prefer that I fudge the truth a little instead of some of the harsh treatment I've dealt out before. She assured me that I'm still an excellent person overall and that it's not a terrible thing to be so similar to my dad.

Speaking of Shanee, not much has changed. I've quit cursing her name under my breath every time "Heartless" by Kanye comes on the radio. I've had a few conversations with a few friends which has helped put things in perspective a little better. I don't feel anger towards her any longer and I'm really not even that sad about it anymore. (I'll talk about that in a different paragraph though!) From conversations that we've been having and just the general feel of things, I can now appreciate the fact that she loves me the best that she can, the best that she knows how, and with all that she has...the part that hurts is that it just isn't enough. We were playing around via text the other day and she said something smart and I replied with "your.self.centered.black.butt." and she was like "come over here so I can pop you!" and I had to remind her that "you no longer have popping allowances." She didn't like that too much. And yeah, I kind of take every chance I can to call her selfish in some way. Anyhow, nothing has really changed too much. We are still in constant communication from the time we wake until the time we pass out at night. We've even acquired a few additional inside jokes over the past few days. Her stress must be alleviating to a certain extent too (she got awesome scores on her midterms and projects that had her sooo stressed out) because her sexuality is re-awakening...I even got some texts today that sent a tingle through my body. I told her last night that I was asking once and for all...is there something going on or some other underlying reason for why she wouldn't have sex and then this untimely break up. Her response was something along the lines of "Erika, I know that I don't have to spare your feelings or make up excuses. I have been honest with you about my reasoning for things." So, okay. I'm not going to waste any more time thinking about it or pondering it. It is what it is.

Now on to the different paragraph. Earlier today, a friend asked me if I was still thinking about graduate school. I answered her with a big enthusiastic "NOPE!" She laughed and said that she was surprised by that. I told her that the truth of the matter is that I've slipped into this state of mind where nothing matters. I'm not thinking about anything. My general attitude is "fuck it." My mind is numb and blank. And I'm enjoying it. No thoughts of graduate school, no thoughts of a better job, no thoughts of anything but the here and now. This is probably why I'm not trippin over Shanee as bad as I was last week and have been able to come to this acceptance.

I had dinner with a close friend this evening and she told me that her pre-fiance (he's practially dying to be married) on their first meeting, put his finger in the air and said "I don't like any girls! They're all assholes and play too many games!" His feelings have obviously changed since they are about to move in together and it's only a matter of time before she's got a ring on her finger. Anyhow, I totally agree with his initial sentiment right about now. A coworker sent me a text the other day alerting me to the fact that she'd been having some dreams about me lately. I, of course, requested details. She gave them. I told her that it's time to live her dreams. (I'm fully aware of how unprofessional and inappropriate this is lol...but I've already given the disclaimer for where my mind is right now.) She denied me, saying that it wasn't a good night for me to come over. The next day at work, she approached me in the break room and whispered "It was really hard for me to say no to you last night." GAME PLAYER!! What an asshole, lol.

I think I am going to keep my yellow butt in the apartment tonight and go to bed early. This twitch in my left eye is slowly going away, but I have gotten horrible rest all week, so I'm going to let my body relax tonight and hope that the twitch will go away completely. In general, I have to get back to a healthier lifestyle. I have gained ten pounds since the funeral (I used to eat vegetabes, now it's loaded fries with everything I order), my sleep pattern is beyond fucked up, I've exercised like twice since the funeral, I drink too much, and this twitch is telling me that I need to knock it all off. My body has had it. Situations like today, on only 4 hours of sleep, I got up and went to the doctor, then the bank, then out to lunch with a friend and we were having drinks at 11am, then we went shopping, and were going to get massages, but it was a 2-hour wait. Already exhausted, adding alcohol to the equation, annnnd putting myself through the torture of the mall...my body deserves better than that. That's why I wanted the massage today. But I know it's deeper than that...I need to exercise properly again, eat right, and get adequate rest. I'm going to give myself the rest of the weekend to be disgusting, but Monday starts a healthier Erika. A return to the Erika I used to be before my dad got hospitalized.

In other news, my DVD player crapped out. I guess I can't be too mad about having to replace it...it was given to me by an old roommate. When we parted ways, she was like "you can keep it." I kind of miss this particular roommate. Living with her came with perks. For starters, she would shower with the door open and leave it open even as she dried off, lotioned up, did her hair, did her makeup. She took my lead on not liking to wear clothes in the house and most days, I would come home to find her cooking and cleaning in bra and panties. Her booty was so big, one of my male friends just straight-up referred to her as "the Donkey." The best part, she went through a nasty break up while we lived together and there were a few nights that she'd come in my room and be like "I'm lonely and sad, can I sleep with you?" Of course she could. I'd wrap her up in my arms and we'd pass out. I miss them days (and nights).