my mind been racing...

A lot of things have taken place!

Baby Damien was born Monday mornin. Jackie was rushed into surgery for an emergency c-section at 6:03 and Damien was out at 6:17am. That was after 21 hours of labor. She just wouldn't dilate past 4cm. He came out with the cord around his neck and fluid in his lungs. He had a low apgar score because of the stress. He was in the NICU for about 4 hours, but he got it together quickly and is back with his parents where he belongs. I went to see him in there. He's too cute. I was disappointed that I had to leave and couldn't hold him, but I'm going back on Friday when they're home and things are more calm. I'll take good pictures then...I'd rather not post him with a tube going down his nose. He was kind of fussing and kicking around and as soon as my brother began speaking, he calmed down immediately. See, my brother has been reading to him since Jackie was about 3 months along. He would seriously make her sit and have like an hour of "story time" every night. Most nights she was exhausted from serving tables and just wanted to pass out, but he was so into her pregnancy that he would insist and she was so touched by him acting like that that she'd comply. It paid off. He's so familiar with his daddy's voice, it soothed him instantly. He's already a character too...when I started talking, he covered his ears. We cracked up.

My cousins from California are in town. I picked them up from the airport on Sunday. It was my cousin Nyla, her husband Isaac, and their baby Noa. They're fun, very high-energy. I feel bad for Nyla. She's bi and Isaac hates it. She won't cheat and she won't lie, which is great. But he will not allow her to have a chick on the side and he will not do threesomes. So she's just forever miserable and yearning for somethin more. We had a pretty open discussion about a few things...I guess now that we're both adults, she felt comfortable asking me about things in our teenage years that she didn't want to ask me about then. Like who I was messing around with. It's kind of funny, the person she thought that I was messing with in high school (we weren't) is actually the first girl I ever messed around with when I was 8. Her and Nyla have an ex in common. And to really make it all a good story, my mother and her father had an affair while my parents were divorced. My hometown is really just way too small. That's soap opera type stuff.

Shanee came home from Jamaica. She kind of came out to her mom, but didn't go all the way through with it. Her mom asked did she like girls and she said yeah, then her mom asked "well, what does that mean?" (What else could it mean? duh) and Shanee changed the subject. So, her mom went back and said "I hope you find a nice boyfriend soon." Ugh. Why do parents and families make the whole thing so unnecessarily difficult?? That boyfriend comment shoved her back in the closet a couple more feet. But she dresses like a boy and her family does not like that at all either. We already know it's gonna be an issue. But anyhow, she came home late last night and emotions have ran high ever since. We talked last night about her trip and about the baby and then it got sexual like it does at t and it got that way again this morning while I was tryna work. Then emotions were running high for another reason...our plan is for her to come stay out here for most of the summer. (Desiree, we comin to Chicago for a couple nights!) Anyhow, her mom said that she can't take off for an extended period until her room is done being remodeled. And I was irritated because she was playin around doing everything else instead of picking out her paint. But she had the paint picked out by night's end, so I calmed down.

I'm a lil bit ashamed of my reputation. I'd like to work to change it. I'm known as a player and a womanizer. Friend thought that I was a player the moment she met me. I know how to act while I'm in a relationship for the most part...I've done one playerish thing in the past 2 years while I was in an official relationship. But when I'm single, I'm really single. I date around. Talk to a handful of people. And somehow or another, I've either overstepped some lines and it's no longer "dating around" or maybe my view and outlook on the situation is totally wrong. Because a lot of people seem to hold this belief that I'm just a dog. For some reason, it's been coming out a lot lately. Just the comments people have been making. One of my friends didn't know what Twitter was and she asked me who I was texting one day and I was like "um, Twitter" and she said, "who's Twitter, one of your bitches??" I just looked at her. That same friend is dating a girl that lives in my apartment complex. She was like "I'd tell you where she lives so you could come chill and play the wii with us, but I don't trust you with her address." Shocked, I asked why. She said, "because you'll be fucking her next week!" I laughed, but it kind of stung. I didn't realize I gave off that vibe to the extent that somebody wouldn't trust me knowing where their girl lived. One of my coworkers asked me for some advice about her relationship. I gave it to her. There was another girl present while we were having the conversation. When I got up to walk away, the other girl told her "don't listen to Erika, she think just like a nigga and runs the same games." I cut my eyes at her and we laughed, but it made me think. People call people "boo" all the time and it means absolutely nothing, but I said it to a friend and our other friend was like "yeah, you can be Erika's boo, but she'll have about 10 more too." I told her to just shut her mouth. Shanee says it's the first thing she thinks about when I piss her off. My dealings with women is my biggest fault and my biggest character flaw in her eyes. I don't like that. I guess I just have to prove everybody wrong.

Damien Garrett McGee

My mom called me about ten minutes ago to tell me that Jackie's water broke!! The baby will be here very very soon!!

I'm ecstatic! I can't stop grinning!

I'm gonna be an aunt really soon!!

Shanee made me promise that she's the first person to hear the news or that gets a picture. Promise already broken. If you leave the country, you nullify all that! She'll be okay. The pictures will be here when she gets back!

I cannot wait to see this lil boy's face. From the 3d ultrasound, he's got some very distinct features. Large round eyes that look like they might bulge out a lil bit, a nose with a bump in it, a shit-ton of hair, and thick lips. How much character can a newborn's face really have?! I think he's going to be very interesting-looking. The texture of his hair and the color of his eyes has been up for debate for 9 months now, and we finally get our answer! I've been saying soft curls with gray eyes. My mom thinks he's gonna take more of the black genes and actually have some pigment to him with a tighter curl more like mine and my brothers. She's holding out on saying an eye color. Devin said that if the baby picks up that red hair and freckles thing, he isn't claimin it. Crazy thing to say because he and I are both speckled, we just happened to snatch up the dark hair...combine that with some white genes and you never know what you're gonna get! (Is it sad that black people sit around talkin about this?) Anyhow, I have a feeling that he's going to be one of those babies that people do a double-take at because his features are so distinct. By that, I DO NOT MEAN UGLY. Just not a typical face of a child. I told my mom that and she said that if that's the case, it will work in his favor once he's older. I don't know how much truth there is to it, but she said that women are attracted to men with strong features. (If he's even straight!) Either way, whatever he looks like, I cannot wait to lay eyes on this lil man and hold him. I'm gonna fall in love today. My mom is so shocked, she never imagined that I would be this into a baby.

Anyhow, before I can go home to baby-wait with the family, I've gotta get my eyebrows done (my mother will not spend another day dogging me because of the 5 o'clock shadow looming over my eyeballs lol) and stop at the airport to pick up my California cousins that are flying in today. Then we'll hit the interstate!

Consider yourself warned: there are LOTS of pictures on the way!

missin' her and a tough ride

Shanee left for Jamaica super dumb early this morning.

As soon as she contacts me, I'm telling her that she can never leave the country without me again.

I miss her.

Her and I talk nonstop all day long. From the moment we rise until the moment we pass out...we are in constant communication. It's been like that since day 1. Yes, even through these past three months of pure hell...I was still talking to her. I may not have said a single nice or positive thing to her, but we were in communication.

Sometimes we have legit dialogue and discussion about something important, sometimes we just shoot the shit, and sometimes we talk shit to each other. I'm assuming every couple is like that...communication styles vary and whatnot. Right now, I'd take any. I just wanna talk to her!

She has been so sugary and syrupy sweet to me the past couple weeks, I guess I'm going through a withdrawal. I'm really glad that she's got the chance to get away. This past semester has kicked her ass, she's been extremely busy with all her extracurriculars, plus I cursed her out for 9 straight days....she deserves some fun in the sun. I feel so immature and stupid when I get like this, but I already know she's not going to miss me as bad as I miss her. She's with her mom, grandma, and sister. The four of them are like old girlfriends...they just laugh and joke and play around and have a great time together. I'll be lucky if I cross her mind once or twice each day. I guess I need to just grow the hell up, she'll be back by Wednesday.

I've got a personal trainer now. I decided today that I need one. I didn't know just how bad I needed one until we talked today. We discussed my current workout practices and I had absolutely no clue that I was overworking. I didn't know that once your heart rate got so high that the body begins to break down muscle at almost the same rate it breaks down fat. How counterproductive??! And my ab routine is actually causing my stomach to bulge out more than it would if I didn't work out period. I learned a lot of useful information and cannot wait to get started. My first official training session is next Friday.

One of my coworkers is leaving Sam's to start her own business so a bunch of us are supposed to go out tonight to celebrate/bid her farewell. Only thing, it looks like there's about to be a tornado and the Weather Channel is blowin up my inbox with warnings and alerts as I type. I hate going out in storms, but I'll probably never see her again if I don't go. Plus, I need a nap. My bike ride today exhausted the hell out of me. Just my luck, I got 10 miles from the house and my bowels decided to move. I hauled ass back to the crib as quickly as I could and I made it, but damn it was uncomfortable. Too much physical strain to pedal as hard and fast as I could, plus clench my cheeks...I'm wore the fuck out.

Kinky Twists

There ain't nothing I can't stand more than kinky twists. I hate when girls wear their hair like that. I think it's so horrible.

Friend knows that I feel this way.

So, this weekend, just to spite me, she put them in. She said to herself, "Fuck Erika" and began styling her hair.

Ain't that some shit?

A Kiss from Heaven

I'm in a weird place right now. I just woke up from a nap but I feel very strange. I'm not sure what I want to do, if anything. I wanna send a few texts out to find something to do, but that would mean putting clothes on and leaving the house. I'm feeling lazy. Part of me wants to take off into the sunset on my bicycle...but another part of me just says nooooo. I wanna run over to the weight room and get a workout in...but my butt just kind of feels glued to the chair. I'm looking around at my bag from this weekend at home and the heap of dirty clothes...there is work to be done in this apartment, but again...nooooo. I'm hungry, but don't feel like obtaining food. I'm really just in here, wasting space.

As mentioned, I just woke up from a nap. Something very strange happened. As I was partially asleep, I felt a presence. Someone was standing over me. I got kissed on the forehead. I wasn't dreaming yet...and wasn't quite all the way to sleep. When I was little, my father would get a good laugh out of me by grabbing my shoulders and bringing his face really close to mine really slow, then giving me the world's quickest peck and jerking away from me really fast. I would fall out in giggles each and every time. That's how this kiss on my forehead while I was half-awake was. The presence came on slow, I felt the contact, then it was GONE. I jerked all the way awake at that moment and tears began to pour. I don't know if I was crying because I was scared, part of me felt psychotic, and it made me think about a conversation with my mom yesterday. She asked me if I remembered those doors opening and closing the morning of the funeral. She said that she'd been talking to several people and they had all kind of asked her if she'd gotten a sign from my dad yet. I'm not sure how widespread this belief is and I'm not sure that I buy it, but apparently a lot of people think that you get a sign from your loved one that they are okay. I definitely remember being there the morning of the funeral when those doors opened and closed like that. And I can rememer back to 1997 when my grandfather died..the morning of his funeral, two big yellow smiley-faced balloons came OUT OF A CLOSET and floated right up to the dining room table that 6 of us were having breakfast at. I don't know if that kiss was supposed to be my sign...or if I was just trippin. My mom kind of irritated me and upset me with what she said yesterday...she said that if those doors were supposed to be her sign, she thinks that he came in through the garage, let us know that he was there, then left out through the front door. She said that if that's true, she wishes he would have stayed. My eyes got huge and I asked her why on earth she would have wanted that. For him to just be in her house like that. She didn't want to talk about it any further. I think that's crazy. I'm going to sit her down and really talk to her about it if one more thing happens because she's already done something that I think is borderline nuts. On the coffeetable next to his recliner that he sat in 24/7, she's placed a tea cup and saucer. He used to sit there and sip tea all day. It wasn't there the last time I was home...she's done it recently. I asked about it. She said it's comforting to her. When I looked at her with the blank face, she said "what??! I don't actually put tea in it!" Praise Jah for that. I still think it's odd. But it's her house and if she likes that little tea set sitting there, then ok. But if she says or does anything else, I'm gonna sit her down.

Despite that, Mother's Day was nice. Her and I woke up and went to church on Sunday. The pastor's wife gave a message that moved no one. It just wasn't a good sermon. After church, my mom decided she wanted a haircut, so we went to the mall. The only person in town she trusts with her hair wasn't working, so we grabbed a snack and left the mall. We went to the movies and saw Wolverine. It was excellent! Then we went home and had naps. My brother called us when he got off work and we all went out to eat. There was a sour moment in that though. We walked in the restaurant and my mom requested a booth from the seater. My brother's fiance is due to give birth in exactly a week...so I turned to her and asked her if she would be comfortable with that. Her response was "I'll be fine, are YOU gonna fit?" She immediately threw her arms around me and told me that she was joking and I went ahead and laughed it off. Nobody else said anything. But later that night, my mom told me that it really pissed her off that she said that. We all know that it was an ignorant thing for her to say and I didn't expect anybody to interject...I'm almost 26 years old, I can put people in their place on my own if need be. At the moment, I laughed it off and forgot about it. But when my mom reminded me of it, it suddenly hurt me feelings kind of deep. I've always been big. I'm not sloppy and I've got a lot of muscle...but I'm large, there's no denying that. I'm just thick all the way around...I don't have a waistline or anything lol. My mom sometimes tries to talk to me about my eating habits because there's no reason that anybody should work out at the intensity that I work out and be the size that I am. If I really watched what I ate, I could be a lot smaller. I guess it's not that deep to me. I honestly don't think about it that often. It's never been a problem. I'm good at sports. I never did without friends. I've always had people to date and talk to...there's not a shortage of thin women (my preference) who like big girls (lucky for me). I think what hurt is the fact that nobody has ever said anything to me about it. I've probably been dogged behind my back, but nobody has ever in all my 25 years of livin' made a blatant comment to my face. My mom and Shanee both gassed my head back up and reassured me that it was the dumbest thing that she could have said. I would be lying if I said that her comment hasn't crossed my mind a few times today though.

Speaking of Shanee, I think all systems are a go. I've really thought a lot about things. Her and I have come to an understanding and we are going to attempt to start fresh. I think it's dumb when people say that, but I really am going to try it. I have handed her an awful lot of shit in the time that we've known each other. I asked a random question on Twitter last night "If your girlfriend lied to you so that she could spend the night with some other chick, would you work it out?" I got three replies and they were all negative. Well, that's what I did to her, for no reason whatsoever, about 6 months into our relationship. Lied to her so that I could kick it with some other chick. Ignored her phone calls all night long. She accepted my apology and we worked it out. Without rehashing all the fucked up things that I've done,that's small compared to some of the other stunts that I've pulled. Shanee actually has a blog. I will never share the address, so don't ask! But she only gets in the mood to write when I've done something horrible. So, it's basically an entire blog about how big of a dickbag that I am. I should be ashamed that such a blog even exists. They say that karma is a bitch and I can honestly say that I've gotten back what I've put out. Her timing was absolutely horrible for her to decide to be that damn selfish, but if she can forgive me for all the shit I've put her through, then there's no reason that I can't forgive her. I decided to weigh out what matters most...two years of her being by my side and damn near being a dream come true when we weren't being a pain in the ass to one another then just dropping the ball at a crucial moment....or two months of her being a jackass. We've talked extensively about what's going on and what has happened and how each situation was handled and how she's treated me and she's serious about never having it happen again. I genuinely believe that she is sorry for the fact that she dropped me on my face at the hardest point I've ever come to in my life. This could turn out to be the biggest mistake I've ever made, but I'm willing to try it. I'm giving it one last go. It'll be a slow ascent to the top, but I've gathered renewed faith and interest in our situation. (anybody who's been following the story is probably rolling their eyes, and that's okay lol)

Tweet tweet bxtches...

I honestly don't think I've been this turned off in a long time. I'm really just feelin over it all.

I asked Shanee if she ever dreamed that I could be this hateful. She got maaadddd earlier when I told her that she must like suckin her own dick. That was just my colorful way of saying that she seems to enjoy just turning inward and focusing on herself and shitting on everyone else in her life. She said that she never imagined that I had this in me. Of course, she didn't. She never had a reason to. But she has fucked me up so bad on the inside, it's like anything goes with her. I'm really runnin off at the mouth. And smiling about it too. And I dare her to say anything back. I told her she should be happy that I am even giving her the time of day. The fact that I still have it within me to go completely off on her says a lot for the emotion and the passion that I feel for her. She should thank her lucky stars I even still feel anything for her. But I definitely arrived at a conclusion the other day and she said that it's been obvious to her for about a week now. Funny that others can see my emotions before me. But anyhow, I realized that I love her...but I do not like her. And that's real talk. Part of me even hates her. She disgusts me. Turns me off. When she broke up with me, I went around my apartment and yanked down all her pictures and threw them in a drawer...and I went in the drawer last night and started to dry heave.

Friend called earlier. I abhor the telephone. I don't even answer my mother's calls. Real talk, I send her to voicemail. And on Sunday when she made her decision, I told her I wasn't calling her ever again. If she wanted to talk, she has to do the calling. I was just being honest with her. She decided to call today. I went ahead and picked up for her. It was general conversation at first...then she started hittin some nerves. She asked me what I thought about the comment my friend E left on her blog, the part about her having constructed a tripod of herself, myself, and her oblivious boyfriend. I told her that it wasn't a tripod anymore because she kicked one of the legs out. She then asked me did I think all this was easy for her. I had to let her know that no, I didn't think it was easy for her, but what about me? Told her she was only thinking about herself. Then I told her that we could be friends, but it really has to be a mild-ass friendship. Earlier she had texted me like "I wanna be in your arms." I texted back "sorry." She wanted to know why I gave such a dry response...I told her because it's not kool to be affectionate anymore. That's over. If we're gonna be friends, then we're gonna be friends. She said that she can't just erase all the feelings she has for me. As much as I understand that, she has to erase the action part. Feel whatever you want, but don't let on. Then she began talking about how she doesn't want to lose me. I was like, "I just told you that we could be friends!" Then she started saying that she just wants to be happy. Doesn't everybody?? Isn't that what the American dream is all about? The freakin pursuit of happiness? She said that she questions whether or not she made the right decision. I don't remember exactly what I said, but her response really stands out. She said that she had three reasons for making her decision and she does not doubt that. Said that she is confident in her choice of picking him over me, and that she doesn't regret it and that's not what she's questioning. She's questioning whether or not she should even be with him period, without even taking me into consideration. It stung for her to say that, but it was also dumb. I told her that if she's so confident that he's the better choice and that if she has no regrets or questions about passing me up, then why is she on the phone talking about she doesn't wanna lose me? She didn't have much to say about it. I didn't say it on the phone, but why is she texting me about wanting to be in my arms and why did she just have to let me know that nobody fucks like I do (her man obviously must be hittin it better than me! for that purpose alone, I'm clearly the winner if my sex is really just off the hook!) and why is she so concerned about who else I have sex with? No questions right? No regrets? Last night, she said she was getting all worked up because she thought I was having sex. Doesn't sound like somebody who's so confident in their choice to let me go. She really does wanna smash one cake down her throat and then sit squarely on another. I didn't say anything to her that she didn't already know....common sense says that if you questioning a relationship just on your own, without the presence of a better person, then there's something wrong with it. Why be in it? She even said that one of the reasons she picked him was because she knew he wasn't going anywhere. He's a sure thing. I continued to call her out about all the contradictory things and she didn't have a lot to say about any of it. She ended the conversation when her nephew wanted to play. After we hung up, I got this little text that said she isn't going to question her decision anymore. Funny that she's suddenly so sure that she can just put it behind her and move on...earlier in the conversation she couldn't just forget about it. *rolls eyes*

Between these two women, every single button that I have has been pressed and held. I've got half the mind to tell them both to just riiiiiide out. Leave me the hell alone. They've left me emotionally exhausted. With Friend, I pretty much asked for most of it, but that one conversation in which she tried to basically tell me that it wasn't about me that she's feeling so conflicted (bullshit) made me sick. All signs point to yes. I even told her that I feel sorry for her boyfriend. I meant it too. She admitted that if he knew the truth, he would be so gone. She's keeping up a real good pretense. If it isn't obvious, she really struck a nerve. They have each hurt my feelings some kind of bad and it has brought out the worst in me. I have a really ugly ability to be downright evil and hateful when I'm feeling bruised....do most people?

The other day, I did decide to go ahead and cancel my date tonight with that chick that popped up at my job the other day. I'm so glad that I did. Feeling the way I feel about women right now, she'd probably have got cursed at just for being there. I went to the movies last night with an old fling. It was really nice to see her. She's cuter than I remembered and she seems to be happy. That wasn't always the case. Happy is a good look on her, as it is on everybody. We're just friends now and even though I considered pressing it a little last night to see where exactly her mind was, I think I'm definitely going to leave it alone. Just be friends with her. Enjoy her for that and that alone. I am going to the movies with my cousin tonight...should be a good time. I need to just continue to do low-key, laid back things. Even though I did plan a threesome earlier, lol, I still might not go through with it. As much as I want to, I know that if I do it, I will be trying to do it again, and next thing I know I'm gonna be smack dab in the middle of some more bullshit. Even though I fully enjoy physical pleasure (who doesn't?), I think I need to fully be alone and just let my insides heal. From everything that's gone on these past 3 months. I'm all black and blue on the inside. I keep my chin in the air, but shit...I wonder can anybody see through the facade. My emotions are fucked. Not so bad that I can't function, but I feel like it's a smart move.

In other news, I have succumbed to the power of Twitter. Even downloaded TwitterBerry aaannnnd a TweetDeck. I made it possible to just tweet all damn day...and I really try to, lol. I don't know who has it and who doesn't, so if you do...holla: E827

Confusion runs so deep...

I have never felt as conflicted about a person as I do about Shanee right now. She asked for my mother's home address yesterday so that she could send a Mother's Day card. She's really turnin it up. I feel like she's either going to fuck around and not send one, or she's going to send it and then do something else to fuck things up between us again. I told her how I hadn't even told my mom and brother that her and I had split. Just didn't have the heart to. It would have hurt them to know that I was double hurting. Mourning the loss of my father AND the loss of my relationship all at the same time. My mom is so protective of my brother and I, she probably would have asked for her phone number so she could call and really let her have it. I didn't want them to worry about me any more than they already were, so I spared them that information. My mom still asks about her all the time and I just say "oh, she's fine, finishing up the semester, preparing to graduate." It's a satisfactory answer. My brother asked about her at the cookout because there was this baaadddd chick there and I asked about her...he was tellin me all about her and he was like "..and she's single!" But then he immediately frowned and looked at me sideways and was like "what about Shanee, why are you asking about other chicks?" I told him I was just curious...told him that Shanee and I are kind of on the outs. He just nodded his head and kept drinkin lol. I told her that if she sends a card to my mom on Mother's Day, then she has to be her daughter from here on out. She said nothing would make her more happy. I smiled and wanted to throw up all at the same time.

And I don't know if I'm touched or just 100% turned off by something else as well...she now wants me to tell her what time to come home when she goes out. She said that she needs a concrete time for when to be in the house so that her and I are always on the same page. I told her that on weeknights, 12:30 and 1 is late to me. I would prefer that she be in the house by then. Last week, her and her roommate were coming in around 2ish and some boys had broken into their building, waiting on some other girls that live there. Her roommate told them to wait outdoors. They said they weren't going anywhere. When Shanee and the roommate tried to push past them in the narrow-ass hallway to get to their apartment, words were exchanged and it ended up with the roommate being snatched up by the neck and Shanee being thrown down some stairs. She says her legs are all bruised up. That night was the first night that she'd called me in over 2 weeks and she cried the moment she heard my voice. I personally feel like she's only had this huge change of heart since that incident because it shook her and let her see what's really important. When something horrible happened, only person she wanted to reach out to was me. I think that let her see that to break up with me when I was going through something horrible was the worst thing she could have ever done. Anyhow, I told her that I don't like her being out late because I'm concerned about her safety. North Philly ain't no punk. Plus, she's not a big drinker so most nights, she's the only sober one out of her friends, so she's gotta safely deliver everyone to their house at the end of the night, which means she comes home alone often. And last week proved that the danger can be up inside her front door, not always lurking in alleys and whatnot. I just don't like her staying out late. She has poor judgment (if you open your door and see strange men, you turn and haul ass outta there, you don't confront them!) and I just feel like she'd be better off coming home earlier in the night. Annnnd another reason, she calls me when she gets in. I don't like phone calls at 2 and 3am. I wake up tired and feeling shitty when my sleep has been broken. So if she comes home before I'm too far gone, then we have less problems all the way around. I guess she's trying to see that now and just figures things would be easier if I told her when exactly to come home. I told her I'm not her daddy, but if she wants a curfew, I'll give it to her.

Friend and I seem to have just kind of fallen back into our friendship. I don't have any fucked-up feelings towards her...I even meant it wholeheartedly yesterday when I told her not to question or regret her decision. I did tell her last night though that I wished I could smell her. That glorious combination of Dove soap and shea butter is very comforting...it breeds calm and peace. She likes that I'm so into her physicality. I breathe deeper when I'm around her because I can't get enough of her scent and she enjoys me getting my fingers lost in her ever-growing puff of natural hair. I wonder for how long I will think about those things. Her voice lingers in my head. She's from a city that's known for being hood...it used to be the murder capital of America. She said her favorite thing to do in summer is sit outside and watch the ghetto people stroll up and down the street. She is educated, she's smart, and she talks proper English...but every so often, it slips out. When I first met her, I immediately asked her where she was from because people from that city have a distinct dialect. She said the same of me...she could tell I wasn't from Indianapolis, I have the dialect from my hometown. Anyhow, she sometimes leaves R's off of words. Twitter is "twitta" and I just have to grin each time she says it. Hair is "heah" and there is "theah" and so on. Car is "cah" lol. We were supposed to go to Atlanta pride together...I think we still might. Probably is a horrible idea, but I think we like horrible ideas. She was supposed to be studying yesterday but she was textin, talkin about "i would like some sweet pain inflicted on me right now." Well. Call your man, lol. Naw, I told her I wish I could inflict it. I do.

Time to leave for work...

Women Schwomen

It's over. Friend and I are done. She chose her dude. I wasn't surprised. Luckily, I had kept my guard up enough to not let it totally hit me like a ton of bricks. Even still, it didn't stop me from saying a few mildly hateful things to her as she walked out of my apartment last night, after she came over to get her leftovers from when I took her out the night before and basically finalize things. It's all good though. She's in love with him...she only liked me. I immediately yanked my sheets off the bed...I didn't wanna smell her as I drifted off to sleep. Plus, I didn't wanna lay in our sex from yesterday morning...we woke up at 9 and it was immediately on and poppin, until 2pm. Despite letting me know that she was not going to get out of her relationship, Friend texted me today tellin me that I'm the best sex she ever had. I kind of wonder what will happen next time we see each other. We obviously have some crazy sexual attraction and chemistry, I'm not sure that her and I can be trusted in a room together.

Yesterday was my brother's cookout. It was sooo much fun. I thought it was going to be emotional because my dad wasn't there...not at all. It was a little dramatic because my mom cornered my aunt, the one who's a bitch, and cursed her out. My aunt left immediately and everybody carried on and had a great time. My brother and Jackie were very impressed with the turn-out...they hadn't expected every single person they invited to show up. It was about 60 people there. Food galore. So much fun. My only regret is leaving my camera at home.

I did have a lot on my mind while I was there though. A whole whole lot. Shanee has spent the entire weekend apologizing. She has really owned up to everything and taken responsibility for all the problems in our relationship and how shitty she treated me the past couple months. She understands that when shit mattered the most, she dropped the ball completely. She has identified a lengthy set of things that she needs to change if she ever wants to have a successful relationship. It was interesting to hear her. She said that even though I think she's been bullshitting around, she has spent a lot of time thinking about herself in terms of our relationship and her responsibility in how awfully it ended. From the way she spoke and talked about things, it did show that she fully understands the extent of the problems and that she has been thinking and reflecting. I didn't curse her out, but I did spend 3 hours on the phone with her yesterday and last night really lettin her have it. We went over EVERYTHING. I explained to her that she didn't know just how bad she'd hurt me and she didn't know what she'd done. She made a fool of herself apologizing. I'm still not completely sure that I buy what she's selling, but I do have a lot of things to consider. Her and I were in a relationship for 2 years. The whole time, we were 600 miles away from one another. If I don't give her a chance to move out here and us try a normal relationship, I will always wonder what-if. I will never fully know what we could have had. Nothing will ever negate, take away, or make me forget how bad she treated me the last two months...but I can walk away and say that I gave it everything I had. Plus, she told me that she wasn't ever going to stop trying. She said that she loves me way too much to give up, said that she can't live without me, and said that she isn't going to leave me alone. Told me that I'm stuck with her. Looks like I'll have a bugaboo. I can't lie though and say that part of me hasn't been dying to hear all this ever since shit went bad in the first place. It was music to my ears. I do love her a lot, she's just been a dickhead. Even her mother told her that she's gotta find a better way to deal with her stress, she can't just cut people out of her life. It's not an excuse and she realizes that. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Twice within the past 2 years, I've caught feelings for other people. A girl named Shay, and then Friend. When I met Shay, I wasn't attracted to her. I mean, I knew from day one that she was super cute, but that was it. As time went on, our feelings grew and I told Shanee about it. She, of course, dumped me. Three days later when Shay got so pissed at me that she asked me to leave her house, Shanee was calling me as I got in the car and was about to pull away from Shay's house. She was calling me to try and win me back. I, of course, went. I still loved her, I only liked Shay. And now, right when things go bad with Friend, Shanee returns to plead her case, try and win me back. There's gotta be a reason that it keeps happening that way. Shanee even said herself that something feels like deja vu. I did go ahead and tell her all about Friend. She said she only has herself to blame for making it so easy to pick up and catch feelings for someone else. But there's gotta be a reason that each time I've liked another girl, that girl drops me on my face and it seems that Shanee is right there wanting me back the moment it happens. And again, I like Friend, but I love Shanee. Plus, I have to consider something else...I have taken 6 or 7 breaks from Shanee in the 2 years we were together. Maybe two of the times, it was legit. The other times, everyone always told me that it could've been worked out and that I was being really harsh. This is the very first time that Shanee has ever insisted that we be apart. I believe that her timing was so awful that it trumps any break I've ever taken, but at the end of the day, she has always been willing to get back in our relationship, and so something just doesn't quite seem fair or right for me to never give her another shot after the one time that she broke up with me. I'm just 100% torn. I am confused beyond belief. I have no idea which way is up. I have no clue what to do. I have missed her and I have been dreaming about her pulling her head out of her ass and realizing and she finally did it. I can't let go of the fact that it all happened in the first place though...it's kind of too late for sorry. She should have given it more thought before she made up her mind. I'm sure I'll come to the right decision soon enough.

The chick from Saturday before last, the one that turned me on to something in the bed, decided to pay me a visit at my job today. She made general conversation, but then had to throw in that she hadn't heard from me and wanted to know why. I didn't answer because we had talked yesterday and she wants to go to the movies on Friday. I agreed to that. I think I will either cancel, or go to the movies and then not invite her back home with me. Even though I enjoyed the sex, I don't like her. The sex was definitely kool, but not good enough to do again really. I don't wanna spend time talking to her...I don't even like the sound of her voice. She's got some funny, country-soundin accent that isn't attractive to me. Plus, she smokes and I could taste it last time I kissed her. And then she also turned me off at work, before she inquired about me not calling, she said she was hoping to get laid off from her job so that she could just collect unemployment. How ghetto and lazy can one broad be?? The moment that left her lips, I scratched her off my list. I'm down to 2 chicks...and I don't even really like either one of them. I either need to round my team back out, or just forget about it. Spend the summer riding my bike and mindin my business. Plus, when the baby's born, I will be in Terre Haute in all my spare time anyhow.

I think that's all I really needed to free my mind of...

Biggest Mistake or Best Thing Ever...

Well, it's pretty much a wrap for me.

Friend has cast a spell on me or something. I don't even think she's fully aware of the extent of my attraction. My friend E commented that she's never heard me talk about anybody like this. That was after I told her that it's been a really long time since I looked at anybody and saw beauty. Most times, it's something superficial like "ooo she look good" or something. Nope, not with her. I see beauty. And it's not just skin deep. She's got a beautiful soul. Without realizing it, she's done a lot for me these past few weeks and I appreciate her very much. She pretty much has all the qualities and characteristics that I would want in somebody that I was going to be exclusive with. She got one demerit for waiting until I was at her house to clean the bathroom floor though lmao...we'd had these plans for a week, she knew I was coming!

We pretty much just chilled. Met at her house, went to eat dinner...the waitress liked us lol. All up in our face, gave us four free appetizers lol. I snatched her up by the waist as we walked out and the hostesses were all like "awwww." Then we went to CVS to pick up her medicine and I guess we looked all extra flirtatious because the pharmacist was like "have a good night and be good." Neither of us have had anybody tell us to be good like that lol. We must have looked like we were really up to something. We went back to her place to kill time before our movie started. That's where I got a little handsy. She has natural hair and I can't keep my hands out of it. I love the way it feels in between my fingers. I basically spent about 20 minutes just all in her face, then we went to see the Soloist.

I don't know what that movie was supposed to be about...like, I didn't walk away with a lesson or a moral or even feeling entertained. I called it within the first 10 minutes that Jamie Foxx's character was schizophrenic, but other than that, I can't tell you anything about it. She was all in it. I think her eyes even glazed over with tears once...I watched her instead of the movie. About halfway through, it really sank in that she doesn't belong to me. She has a boyfriend. She's in a relationship and it's not with me. She's not mine. It hurt. More than I thought it should or would. So I went to sleep. She kept waking me up though. All my preoccupation is why I probably didn't really watch the movie.

We got back to her house and she got on the phone with her dude. I sat and watched "my best friend's girl." I enjoy Kate Hudson. Their conversation wasn't long...she was disappointed because he elected to work instead of spend the weekend with her (some shit I would never do!). Anyhow, when she was done with him, she came and curled up in my lap and went to sleep. I played in her hair some more...I've never been into anyone's hair before, so that in itself is kind of big for me. After a lil while, I told her we were goin to bed, so we went and laid down.

AND WE WENT TO SLEEP WITHOUT TOUCHING EACH OTHER!

This morning though, I woke up to hands on my back, in my hair, on my arms...things that are normal for our friendship. But there was something different to it this time. She laid in my arms and we talked for about 2 hours. Discussed the situation and what we should do. I kind of feared that it would be our last time hanging out. We obviously can't leave each other alone, but we shouldn't carry on either. She told me that I'm her weakness. Said she finds me sexy from head to toe. Said that when she gets around me, she just can't help herself. (I wish I had that effect on all women!) We kind of touched on the notion that even though it isn't right, chances are that we'll probably continue to see one another and fuck each time. And her boyfriend, if he keeps on opting to take these weekend gigs, is setting it up real nice. She said she doesn't want it to just be about sex and I assured her that we'll keep our friendship first.

Anyhow, we did end up getting down lol. I guess that negates my enthusiasm and capital letters from up above lol. I had her do what the chick from last Saturday night did that just had me about to lose my mind. It was enjoyable, yet again lol. Soon after we were done, she went to work and I came home. Since her man cancelled on her, I thought about just stayin at her crib and being there when she got home and surprising her. We could have made another day of it. But I decided not to because I figured I needed to put some time and space between us. I'm really diggin her, but I need to guard my feelings. We need to let it cool between visits so I don't get completely caught up.

In other news, Shanee decided today to fill me in on the fact that she's been doing a lot of thinking and she's genuinely sorry for all that she's done and she knows that she could have done a lot better. She said it hurts her that I'm so disappointed and that she hurt me the way she did and let me down so many times. She owned up to everything and took responsibility for all that she's done that crushed me the past couple months. I asked some probing questions, none of which she had the answer to. She said that she's going to do some serious self-reflection about it. She has identified a definite disconnect between her feelings and actions. And she has a problem with authority. If someone says something, she instantly wants to do the complete opposite. She's been that way since she was a child. I reminded her that I never demanded anything from her...it was a relationship, not a dictatorship. She's grown and can think for herself...it was a never a case of do-as-i-say. But I believe a general rule of thumb when you're in a relationship, you listen to each other and if one person is uncomfortable with something, it shouldn't happen. That's just general respect and courtesy in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. I'm not even friends with people who don't respect my feelings. She said that her whole life, she just did whatever she wanted and so when she met me and I actually had standards, expectations, and boundaries, she didn't adjust right away. And Lord knows she didn't! I reminded her that I was spoiled as a child as well, but I don't have this instant and constant urge to just defy and resist what people tell me. She does. If I tell her that I really like white sneakers, she'll immediately go put on black ones. If I tell her that I like her hair down, she'd instantly find a reason for why she needs a ponytail. She's just like that. And as sick as it made me for the whole two years we were together, it wasn't ever a deal-breaker. I told her today that she's too damn old to act like that. Who, past the age of 3, just disagrees for the sake of disagreeing?? Here lately, there are a lot of things that I think about that weren't ideal about our relationship. Each of them, on their own, wasn't ever enough to call it quits...but looking back on it, I'm not sure that I would pick it again. I'm not really sure how open I would be to trying it again. She said that she understands that she needs serious work, but I think it's too late. I told her today that I'd never give her 100% again. I asked her how she felt about an open relationship. She wasn't impressed. But there's honestly no way I could ever be in a relationship with her again and be totally serious about it like I was. I'd probably cheat, lie, and bullshit. The conversation ended up pretty much deadlocked...I told her that she'll never have all of me again and that it was pointless to work anything out unless she got her little issues under control..she said she feels like it's just best that she stays out of my way since it's obvious that I'm so resentful and I don't really have anything positive to say to her. Stalemate. So who knows if we'll talk again or not.

I dragged myself around town today and made myself shop. I got some shorts and some shirts and some sneakers, some socks, chapstick, and a new shower head. I'm set for the season now. The last time my mom was here, she said that my towels and pillows and sheets were triflin. Maybe I'll correct all that next week, I'd had enough shopping for today. Plus, it's my stuff, she doesn't have to deal with it on the daily. And no one else complains ;-)