Friday, August 22, 2008

Sick of Silly Women

The day, though not yet over, has been a blur.

I woke up, went to work from 9 until 12. Demetrius learned quickly and seemed eager and happy to be there. It was good that he had such a great attitude about it. However, with my new separation from Shanee fresh on my mind, training a new associate proved to be a test of my patience. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. I left work absolutely famished and decided that I wanted Cracker Barrel.

I have only been out to a restaurant alone approximately 3 times in my whole life. I don't really like to do that, but sometimes it's needed. I got seated and after 15 minutes of not receiving any service, I went up to the hostess podium and went off. It wasn't a show-stopping type of "go off," but it was enough to have the hostesses stammering for words and they immediately sat me down somewhere else and sent the waitress right over to me. I enjoyed my brunch and came home.

I went to the leasing office to check for my package. T-Mobile (punk-ass cell phone company) was sending me a new Dash to replace my defective one. I switched my sim and memory cards, put my battery in, did all my settings, and packaged up the one I intend to return. I slept for a few hours. I woke up and have been reading this really good book my friend Lito sent's called "Passion Marks" by Lee Hayes. I didn't bother to check how old it was or anything like that, but it's really good. He also sent me the sequel, so I'm excited. I may not have my girlfriend, but I've got some good reading material for the weekend. She says she still loves me and I'm her number one and that she just thinks this is what's best for the both of us. In my mind, I can perfectly understand her reasoning...but in my heart, it just hurts. Her timing couldn't have been worse. I really hope I don't cry when I see her at the airport. It's pretty much inevitable that the tears will come at least some point during the 6 days she'll be here. I am definitely glad that I get to spend my entire birthday with somebody that I love though...I don't think that's happened before. There's been years I was dating someone, but we didn't get to wake up next to each other on the morning of my birthday, then be inseparable the entire 24 hours. I have a strong feeling that we're going to have a wonderful week together, create new memories, and all that good stuff....and then it's going to be horribly painful saying goodbye. It always is.

I say the day has been a blur because I feel like it should only be about 5 or 6pm. The day is pretty much over (I can't get the timestamp to display the correct time, but it's 10:30.) After I woke up, I guess I've been so consumed with my thoughts of Shanee and her upcoming visit that time just flew. I still have to do a bunch of laundry if I want to wear clean clothes while she's here or have fresh sheets on the bed. My apartment is generally pretty clean, but there's always some extra things to do before having a house guest.

I was supposed to be going out for drinks with an acquaintance. She's not really a friend. She used to live here in Indianapolis and we got kool, but then she took a job with NASA and so she moved to Houston to work at the Johnson Space Center. Whenever she comes back in town, she contacts me. It's welcome. Rarely do I do anything about it though...I typically just ask what brings her back up to the midwest and how she's doing. I guess with my current state of mind, I needed to know that somebody wanted me around, so I asked her out for a drink. She agreed. Later in the evening she contacted me and I asked her where she wanted to meet, and she never texted back. Little does she know, but my drink invitation officially expired at 10pm. This is why she never actually made friend status. She's difficult to catch up with. I'm not sure if it's her fault or just the environment she grew up in. With her, it's never just a simple "hey, let's hang me at the bar at 11." There's always a bunch of other bullshit included, like having to pick somebody up from work, waiting on somebody to arrive at her house, needing to get her hair done, and fifty million other things. The thing that irritates me is that she can't ever mention that shit early in the day while we're originally making the plans. If we have plans set for 11, she'll spring that shit on me at about 10:45, when I'm walking out the door. She just generally seems to have little regard for my time. It amazes me that she acts so irresponsibly in her social life, but was able to complete a master's degree and land a job with NASA. And keep the job! Maybe it's personal though and it's really just me that she isn't all that pressed about spending time with. Because it's obvious that she can get her shit together when she really wants to. That's primarily why I don't really deal too much with her when she comes in town, because it just turns out to be a waste of my time and I end up irritated.

I pissed Lindsey off today. We were at work and I was training Demetrius and she came over and got the store-use camera to take pictures of a check presentation she had to do. She came back with the camera and told me that she needed some prints made. A few weeks prior, she needed the same thing and I told her to place the order herself and she tried to act like she couldn't use the kiosk and it would just be impossible to place her own order. I prompted her two or three times to do it and she refused. I ended up placing the order for her. Today when she came and needed the prints, I told her that I wouldn't do it today. Maybe I was being petty or funny-acting, but I didn't feel like I need to offer an explanation. She said that our general manager was coming back tomorrow and she needed to have it done. I told her to place the order herself. She rolled her eyes and walked out. She came back with another store associate and had her help her. She didn't look at me or talk to me for the rest of the few hours I was there. Her brother came up there and she turned her head when I waved at him. I get so tired of her sometimes...I know that I could have handled the situation differently, but she knows good and well that I've done way too much for Sam's Club this past month and it kind of irritated me that she would even ask me for something like that when she's perfectly capable of doing it herself. In general, I don't have much patience for strong, independent women who like to play dumb or act like they aren't able to do something. Lindsey gets straight A's in school, works her ass off at our job, swears up and down that she's always right, acts like she doesn't need anything from anybody....but can't use a digital photo kiosk. Please.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

She and E are OV

I was off work today and absolutely thrilled about that fact! I slept in and just laid in the bed for a long time before I moved. It was a wonderful feeling.

I got up and caught up on the Olympics, watched a few shows online, and played around on the computer.

Before I knew it, Shanee and I were into it. Not a fight, but a serious discussion. It seems like everyday, something comes up. It's both of our faults. We've each done our dirt and hurt one another, but I can't let go. I can't get over it. I have a lot of hurt, anger, disappointment, and worry inside. It comes to the surface daily. It causes me to nitpick, start fights, and get my feelings hurt all over again. It's becoming quite difficult to manage. It's causing a lot of stress for the both of us. We have been trying for 3 days now to discuss it and really figure out the far, pumping the brakes and just being friends for awhile is looking like the best solution. It saddens me to think of us "breaking up" yet again. However, it would be beneficial to me to have a break from feeling so heavy-hearted. It would be beneficial to her not to have me fussing at her every single day when school starts back up. It isn't set in stone yet, but it's looking like she'll be coming out here for her previously scheduled visit, we will enjoy one another, and when she leaves we will begin trying to just be friends. I'm not sure how it's going to play out, but it's looking like our only option right now. It just hurts so bad. It kills me that I love her so much and this time last year, everything was absolutely wonderful. I couldn't have asked for anything more. But now, things are messy and don't seem to be getting any better. Like I said, I feel like it's primarily my fault because I can't let go of the past and just look toward the future. That's always been a tough thing for me to do. I feel so weak because I can forgive her, but I can't forget. I also feel weak because I feel deep down in my soul that I need her. Like, some Jazmine Sullivan needing. But what neither of us need is the stress that comes from this relationship right now, with my being upset every single day. It kills me that so much hurt and pain comes from one person, but so much comfort and support comes from that same person. That's why I feel that I need her. Nobody has ever listened to me without judgment the way that she does. I can talk to her about anything and feel comfortable. She has given me the space to be myself in such a way that nobody else has. I highly doubt that there are many people like her, I hadn't met any prior to her.

[She just confirmed that we are, indeed, going to take a step back and pump the brakes. She said that she loves me more than anything, and that I'm the one for her and we're going to be together in the end, but for right now, for both of our mental health and the health of our relationship, we have to take a step back. She doesn't want us to resent one another and I have to really get down to the root of why I can't let go and work to fix it. I guess I can't fault her for wanting a break from all my negativity and the arguments and tears that are products of it. It just hurts worse than I thought it would.]

I am still thrilled that she's coming out here. I hope we have a wonderful time together and really enjoy each other and I hope it's not awkward. More than anything, I hope I can remain positive and not let my emotions get the best of me once I'm in her presence. It's strange that I don't cry much about death or at funerals or movies or books, but let my feelings get hurt a tiny bit, and it's ON. She said that we will talk more once we're in person and face to face and see if being together makes things any different. It isn't really fair to try and evaluate a relationship or set it down when we haven't seen each other in almost 6 months. I hope that us spending 6 days together, uninterrupted, will fix the cracks and bruises in my heart and make me able to handle a relationship again. They say that time heals all wounds, but damn. If our visit doesn't rekindle our relationship, then I hope that spending some time with her will at least give me the strength to keep my chin up and press on as friends.

I suppose it's just as good an idea as any to go drown my sorrows in a latte.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A Staff & Lies

I got good news today at work! Shirley and Chann's drug tests both came back clean! So...I've got a full staff back in the photo lab now! They have orientation on Friday, then I am gonna start training them on Saturday! I can't wait. Demetrius (i stole him from the grocery department!) starts on Friday...I am supposed to be off that day, but I am going to go in at 9am and show him how to open and help him out and get him started. I feel really bad that his very first shift is going to be solo. But he's a good worker and can handle it. I was pulled aside today and told by another manager to shield and protect my new workers from my manager. I asked why and what did they mean. He told me that he's almost 100% positive that the only reason that my whole staff quit is because the manager over us is so strict, mean, worthless, and just overall a douchebag. If you ask him for help, he always says "i can't, i'm checking my email." He's just very quick to let it be known that he's got something way more important to do than whatever it is that you need from him. That's just his nature. I've gotten to a point where I just ignore 75% of what he says and I'm not afraid to tell him about himself. Other people don't know how to handle him. He still definitely has the ability to get under my skin, but I'm in more of a position to say something to him or walk away. Anyway, the other manager thinks that the reason nobody lasts in any of his departments is because of what kind of leader he is. Because of this, I definitely plan to give them each a lil disclaimer and a warning and inform them up-front about what type of person he is. But I don't want to plant the idea in any of their minds that there is divisiveness between me and him, because there technically isn't. I'll just have to choose my words.

I got to talk to my Booger!! I feel a lot better now that I heard his voice for myself. I almost lost it a couple times while on the phone with him, but I held it together. Lots of prayers with his name in them to come.

I fussed at Shanee for a whole ten hours today. For the benefit of my personal peace of mind and out of respect for her privacy (even though she said I could write whatever I wanted..."it's your blog baby, write what you want."), I won't retell the whole story. But why can't people just say what's really good to their significant other?? Why bullshit around and sidestep and try to make excuses? Shanee and I were supposed to have a serious discussion last night, but she chose to hang out with friends all night instead. So today when I let her know that I was not happy about it, she made 50 billion excuses. Through the course of her trying to cover her butt, it became apparent that she had totally forgotten that we were supposed to be having a talk. Why couldn't she have just told me up-front that she had forgot?? Like I told her, it's hurtful that she would forget something important like that because the discussion was about things that will ultimately determine the future of our relationship, but I can understand it. What I can't get with is the fakery. The truth hurts, but it's always my preference. She knows that, so it was extremely disappointing that she really tried to play it off for 4 hours. At the end of the day though, that's my baby and we try our best to be patient with one another. But when situations like that arise, I wonder just exactly how much is too much? At what point will I quit overlooking these lapses in honesty? Have I already overlooked too much? A friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend, who was also long-distance. She had been trying to get him to move here for months and months. He always said no and cited money as the reason. Well, she manages a bank and I guess he figured that she would be a good place to start in terms of having someone look over his finances and advise him. The last straw in their relationship was several weeks ago when he had the opportunity to move out of his apartment and down here with her, but he chose a new apartment in his city and still maintained that money was the reason. Well, after taking a close look at his finances, she found that his new apartment was more expensive than his old one and it's a farther drive from his job...ergo, his expenses had actually increased. They were at a restaurant when she called him out about it and that's when he finally blurted out that his peace of mind was worth the extra money. She got up from the table, exited the restaurant, walked back to his apartment and left him sitting at the dinner table. How dare he feel like their relationship wasn't worth moving for, but lie to her about it repeatedly? What did he gain from bullshitting her like that? Why couldn't he tell her the truth? It's one thing to tell a lie, but in my personal opinion, it's far worse to tell long-standing lies that last weeks or months. I don't want to make it seem as if I have never lied before, because I definitely have. But it's always just been one lie to account for one thing...I never tried to trick anybody for a long period of time. I learned in 1st grade that when you tell one lie, you typically have to tell another in order to cover it up and before you know it, the whole thing is out of control. I seem to be the only person who learned that. And anybody who has a clue about the Bible knows that what's done in the dark will come to light, that truth always wins out. For that reason alone, why do people even grow the balls to think they're slick?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Alarm the Studio

Another 10.5 hour day at work. I can't even handle my business outside the photo lab, like write the schedule and do my audit and complete my reports. My department looks a mess because the phrase "clean as you go" doesn't mean anything if you're the only one going and you never get a chance to stop. The camera display bar looks a mess too because I haven't had the time to actually put any time into fixing it up and getting all my displays out. Blahhh. I don't even really care anymore...ten orders came through all at the same time, and I just stood there and looked at them for about 5 whole minutes, not moving. Then I realized that my phone had accidentally called Shanee from my pocket and she called back...I whipped the phone out and answered it, right in the middle of the photo lab, in direct view of managers and members...just didn't care even though I know full well that cell phones are not permitted while on the clock. Oh well. I'm just real over it. I work another 10 hour day tomorrow and then I'm off on Thursday. Work about 3 or 4 hours on Friday morning, then it's back to full shifts for the rest of the weekend. I am going to be one exhausted girl by the time my vacation starts on the 26th. I know that a lot of people consistently work 12 hour shifts, that's just how their job is, so maybe I shouldn't complain. But that is not the nature of my work and those are not the hours I signed up for.

I live in a studio and the unit across the hall from me is also a studio. Why did the man that lives there install an alarm for his one-room apartment?? It is sooo annoying. I do not want to hear that every single time he opens his door. And he has a tendency to keep some late hours. Doesn't he know that the rest of my life is stressful enough??!

Monday, August 18, 2008


Today proved to be another stressful-ass day. From the moment I woke up, it was on.

I rolled over when my alarm went off and grabbed my cell phone, expecting to have my usual alert from The Weather Channel letting me know the day's forecast. Well, I had a message that my Booger (Ty) had been in an accident and was in critical condition. There was no other information available to me at that time...I didn't know if he was on a respirator, in a coma, shattered body parts...I had no clue what kind of critical condition we were dealing with. I was immediately sick. I was terribly upset. I spent a long time in prayer. So many things crossed my mind...his ex, his ex-best friend, the fact that we had JUST got our friendship back right a couple weeks ago. I managed to get myself together and despite burning my breakfast and having to stop at McDonald's on my way to work, I got there.

I sat in the car for awhile, talking to Shanee before I went inside. I was sharing some of my feelings with her about how I worry about our relationship and I have a lot of anxiety about it because of how much anger, hurt, and disappointment I've already been through with her and I got so upset about it that I began to cry. Then, in the middle of crying about it, a thought came to me...."Baby? What if the one person that I would talk to about this never wakes up??" and it was really over for me at that point. I cried like a child...snot everywhere, loud painful sobs, couldn't breathe. Shanee, as usual, is wonderful about consoling me and she did just that and I managed to go ahead and go inside and get clocked in. I made it through the day, even though it was rigorous and hectic at times, being by myself and all. I interviewed a 61-year-old woman today and I'm totally going to offer her a job on Wednesday. She's another photographer that wants part-time work. She said that her husband makes the money and takes care of everything, she just needs an additional hobby and said that she doesn't even want 30 hours, more like 20 works for her. Then she said, "i like to work until about 8:30 or 9." Well, it doesn't get any more perfect than that! She's not going to be digging for hours and she doesn't mind closing! (I kinda wonder if she's happy with her husband....don't most priveleged white women like to be home in the evenings to tend to their money-making husbands??!!) She said that I may have to show her how to use the computer 2 or 3 times, but she'd get it. She was a really nice lady. Plus, I think it would be a positive thing to have some age in the lab. Me, two dudes, plus an older woman....I see nothing but great things to come. She doesn't seem to be into drama, not in the slightest. Her demeanor seemed to be really sweet and calm. I need sweet and calm in my life, especially up in Sam's Club! I do still have one interview to conduct tomorrow, but I'm almost sure that I'm going to pick the older woman, her name is Shirley. Between her and Chann, I just hope they both can go do a drug test and be ready for orientation on Friday.

I was supposed to get off work at 7, but the manager on duty asked me to stay until 8:30 because the other manager left him high and dry with no closers. So, I stayed because I don't mind overtime. Plus, they can pay me as a supervisor and have me greet people at the entrance all complaints here! I did get word that Booger's okay, doing way better than I originally thought, but the situation is still not that great because he lost a few fingers. I am sad for him for that, I can't even begin to imagine what's on his mind. I am just glad he still has his life though!

With how stressful things have been lately, sometimes it's easy to forget about the positive things going on. It's a lil harder to see that life is beautiful and there really isn't any reason to fret. God can only do great things. It's times like these where I have to really dig deep to remind myself that ALL things come together for the good. In 2006, there was a national news story about a case of mistaken identity and two young girls, Laura Van Ryn and Whitney Cerak were involved in a horrible van accident and Whitney was mistaken for dead, while she really laid in a hospital bed in a coma while Laura's family took care of her, now knowing that their daughter had actually died. The two families have written a book and it's very touching and I let Lindsey read it...and she wants to be a Christian now!! Definitely good news!

Another small tidbit of joy: the Hills is back on! For some strange reason, I enjoy watching priveleged white people go about their lives and the drama they encounter. I watched it with Lindsey, and she's a good friend to have, but sometimes I really get my fill of her. We're both strongly opinionated and headstrong individuals, so sometimes she's not my favorite person to be around. It's probably just my perception of things, but sometimes I really feel like she just disagrees with me just to be in disagreement. If I say something, it seems like she just purposely says the opposite. If I say the sky is blue, she would say it's black, just to say something else or try to prove a point. And she has a way of taking a tone that something is final, that I'd better not say anything else. I find it easier to just let her have the last word, even though I don't agree or think she's right, she's not going to shut up and listen to anybody else, so just let her have her way. She doesn't seem to understand the concept of letting anyone vent either. Sometimes, as a friend, it doesn't matter if someone is right or wrong, just let them vent. You don't always have to point out the areas in which they're wrong. If I am complaining about a manager at work, she doesn't always have to point out that they're actually right and I don't have any real choice in the matter...if it's something serious, what's wrong with letting me get it out, then bring it up later when I'm in a better mood to let me know that I'm wrong? I grow extremely sick of it most of the time. I have definitely stopped hanging out with her as much as I used to and I have shortened the time I spend with her. We went and ate Mexican and were only at the restaurant for about 35 minutes, then we went and watched the show and I left as soon as it was over. I was only with her about an hour. And she got on my nerves. I always say that I'm going to take a break from her, but she's one of the few friends I've got that is convenient. She doesn't live far, she doesn't mind driving to go somewhere that's not right around the corner, she's not broke all the time, socially we do agree on a lot of things because our upbringings were almost identical, and she understands being big.

It's almost time for sleep!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

A Disappointing Day

I got to work today and soon after clocking in, I just became disgusted for the rest of my shift...

Sam's Club is trying to promote a new membership we offer, the Collegiate. It's basically just a regular advantage membership all dressed up to look like a great idea for college students. Anyway, to promote this, we've taken the "back to skool" craze to a new level and the entrance of Sam's Club is decorated to look just like a college dorm room. It's all decked out with a little twin bed, a desk, a computer,a 40 inch tv, a cart FULL of food. It's actually a pretty high-end dorm room. We even have a lady serving pizza in it and this weekend, we were giving away backpacks. The backpacks don't come full of school supplies and they have the Sam's Club logo on them, so they aren't cute. To most people, it's just an undersized, Sam's Club backpack that isn't good for anything but maybe carrying books back and forth to the library. Now excuse me while I get racial for a moment: I'll have it be known that black people were the only ones trying to take 3 and 4 backpacks, eating 4 and 5 slices of pizza, getting out their cell phones to call other people (who didn't even have memberships) to come to Sam's and get a backpack, and just overall causing problems. Take one backpack, take one slice of pizza, and keep it moving <-- that idea seemed to be lost on them. Even the most ghetto employees at my job were taking note of how our fellow black Americans were acting. One of my homeboys, Dre, stated that he did not like black people. I seconded it with "I do not like them Sam I Am." And then he took off with it "I do not like them Sam I Am, I do not like black women and men, I do not like them in the park, I do not like them after dark. I do not like them when they act like a jerk, I really don't like them when I clock in at work. All they do is end up in jail; I do not like them, they will not prevail." That's all that I remember, but it went on and on. In theory, it was not funny. I won't say that it was actually funny either...but it was just one of those experiences where you can't help but take notice and it's sad.

Then, this professional photographer came to make his prints so he can sell his packages. He had an image of four young girls who looked to be about 14 or so, and they were all pregnant. You could take one look at their faces and tell that they were extremely young. They had on matching outfits and jewelry. It was disgusting. Who told them that it was cute to be in middle school and pregnant?? And which of their mothers paid for the sitting fee?? And which of their mothers was purchasing their package?? It included fifty million wallet sized prints that I'm sure will be passed all around school next week. I guess it's good that these super young ladies are being made to feel positive about their situation, but I'm not sure that it warrants professional photos that showcase their fast-assness.

This particular photographer has came to my lab before to get some prints done. He came with a large order that included a lot of poster prints. The poster printer at my job is extremely slow. It may take an hour or longer for one print to load up and begin printing. Once it starts, it only takes about a minute for the actual print to be completed. It took hours for his order to be completed and he flew off the handle. Lost his damn mind. Just snapped and acted a fool. Said that Sam's Club has never disappointed him like this before in his life. Said he can't believe how slow our equipment is. Said that he's got the police after him because I was making him look like he was running a fraudulent business. Just said all types of crazy shit. None of it said calmly...all at the top of his lungs while he angrily paced back and forth in front of the counter, throwing his hands in the air, yanking his hair out, jumping up and down, and trying to come into the photo lab and take a look at the printer himself. He was fit to be tied. So imagine my shock and discomfort when he walked in today. He ordered several regular prints and 8 posters. He already knows what the deal is with the poster printer runs slow. It sounds bad, but the truth is that it could take approximately 8 hours to print those 8 posters. I have called technicians and there is nothing that can be done about it, I have to wait until they do the company-wide upgrades on all the machines. So anyway, he placed his order and when I saw those posters, I went and told both managers on duty that he was there and they remembered him from the last time. However, they both shrugged their shoulders and looked at me as if it was my problem. I went and found the photographer who was riding around the store in a sit-and-shop like he lacked the ability to walk (ugh, lazy negro). I explained to him that nothing had changed since the last time he was there, my equipment was still extremely slow, his order would not be completed by the time the store closed at 6, his best bet was to come early in the morning and place his order and then leave and call back for an update midway through the afternoon. He seemed so kool...he said he understood. But he didn't leave. He sat in the "college dorm room" and glared at me and watched me shut down the photo lab. He didn't say another word to me. But at 5:59, he got up and went up to the service desk and ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. He was stark raving mad. Doing all the same things he did the first time...screaming, jumping around, yanking his hair, throwing his arms in the air. The two managers who had already been pre-warned stood there alongside some other employees and looked like they just got a whoopin' while every single customer and worker stopped what they were doing and stood there with their mouth dropped open while he ranted and raved. I clocked out and left before it was all said and done, but I later found out that one of the managers ended up giving him 60 bucks worth of free pictures. The same manager tried to avoid eye contact with me as I left, which I wasn't feelin. I was somewhat glad that they got a taste of what I have been dealing with and trying to tell them...the man is crazy. I know that tomorrow, not one word better be breathed to me about the situation. One of the managers came to me before I clocked out and was trying to get a better grip on the situation and wanting to know why he'd been there for 4 hours and his order wasn't complete. I explained the situation to her. She didn't say too much, but she's known to be a bitch (like, a real one). The other manager, he's extremely passive and tries to deal with as little as possible. I'm not sure what could be said to me about it, I handled the situation the best that I could, but since it was right at the closing of the store, I wonder if they really wanted to sit me down and try to somehow make it my fault and are just going to do it tomorrow.

About 30 minutes before I got off work, Shanee sent a text saying that she was going to take a nap. By the time she woke up, I was writing this post and even though I said that we could talk then, she still wanted to get off the phone until I was done. So, it's the end of the day and we've only talked 30 minutes, which was at 9:30 in the morning. It saddens me. I know she's got a life to live and I'm not her whole life, but I've just been extremely sensitive about it lately. When she is at skool in Philly, I know that she's often bored and she misses her family a lot. But when she goes home to DC, she's happy to be around her family and her close friends. That's all fine and good...but I hate it that our communication suffers terribly when she goes home. She does the best she can, but it's way less than what I'm used to. I want her to be happy and going home makes her happy...but it would be a lie if I said that I'm not happy when she goes back to Philly and things get back to normal. It kind of makes me feel like it's only convenient to talk to me when she's in Philly without a lot of close friends and family to keep her entertained. Maybe I'm just a big baby or maybe I'm spoiled, but I feel somewhat like an afterthought when every time she goes home, our communication gets all fucked up. I know that these things aren't true, but I'm just needy. Like I said in a xanga post last week, when she's with her mother and her sister, they are so close and have so much fun together, it's more like a group of girlfriends. It's true that I'm jealous of the fact that she's so close to her mother and they have so much fun together. I'm glad she has that because it makes her happy, but it's double sadness for me because I can really only talk to her first thing in the morning if I call and wake her up or late in the night when she's finally in bed, then the reminder that she's got a good relationship with her mother and I don't. It also scares me because I wonder how happy she'll be next year when she moves away from her family. She gets pretty homesick and unhappy if she doesn't get to go home every few weeks. That's not going to work if she's any further than 3 or 4 hours away. I wonder if I should just suck it up and move to DC...I don't have those close ties to my family like she does, it would be far less painful for me to be far away than it would be for her. Hmm...I just thought of that, maybe I should discuss it with her.

One tidbit of non-disappointing news though!! New England lost! I suppose it's still disappointing since it's only the preseason though...!

I made that banner at the top of my page...and I noticed today that my ear looks WEIRD.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

A New Undertaking

I am going to experience my 25th birthday in 13 days. With that milestone fast approaching, I have decided to chronicle my 25th year. Now, I've been blogging since I was 18...blurty, then livejournal, then xanga, then myspace, then downelink, and at times I have used a mixture of them all. I haven't used the blurty or the livejoural in years. I have primarily used xanga. Every so often, I will post something on myspace or downelink. I have officially decided to challenge myself to not only blog in one place...but also to blog each and every day for a year. I am committing myself to writing at least one post every single day. And only on this site...I am forsaking my dear xanga for a whole year. Will I return to xanga when I turn 26? We'll see!


I am ready to admit the truth about myself and how I conduct myself in relationships. I am clingy. Maybe even obsessive. Shanee is doing family things today. Every year, her uncle hosts a huge crab dinner at his house and family comes from far and wide to reunite and enjoy themselves and it's this weekend. Plus, she hasn't seen her father since Christmas so it's extra sweet this time around. I was pre-warned that cell phone service is funny at her uncle's house...and I remember it being sparse last year. Despite all this, I still feel some type of way about the fact that I haven't heard from her in 3 hours. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me...why do I trip like this??

Even though she isn't calling me or in my inbox like I would like her to be, she has turned me on to a new band called Cobra Starship. I'm really liking them. I don't think they're actually new and I don't think they're mainstream, but that's all the more reason to be feelin' 'em! I have been in love with Colbie Caillat for almost two years now, way before Bubbly hit the radio. I remember being young and loving Twista and I remember a marked decrease in my enjoyment of his music after everybody at my middle skool was running around talkin about "geeettt ittt weettttt."I know that being underground doesn't do much for the artist, but I enjoy them more that way for some reason.

I hired someone! I can see the end of my 11 and 13 hour days! His name is Chann and he's a photographer that needs a steady part-time job! It seems perfect. I hope that his drug test comes back clean and that he turns out to be a good employee. There is a slight problem though...I can see that on his first evaluation, there will have to be a discussion about oral hygiene. He had a good case of halitosis today.

I am happy that the Colts were at least able to beat the Falcons in the preseason tonight since it seems that the Redskins and the Panthers posed a problem for us and that just shouldn't be the case. Enough about that...

In an attempt to get myself in the habit of blogging daily, I am going to start now and not just wait until my birthday. So, until tomorrow...