Thursday, January 29, 2009

he got married...

Sometime in the spring of 2007, I became ready to live out loud and be real with self and others about being gay. Around that same time, my good friend KL met a young lady with whom he quickly fell in love. Life was great for both of us. Until a moment in time when something changed.

I have no clue what happened and I probably won't ever truly know. The girl that KL had gotten serious's probably not fair for me to call her insecure with herself or to say that she was extremely suspicious of everyone in KL's life because I never met the girl. But from what I was told by KL directly was that she had gotten divorced because she found her husband cheating on her. Lying, sneaking, cheating, and anything else along those lines does terrible things to a person's self-esteem and sense of security in future relationships. With that being said, KL already had a task on his hand, to never do anything that would make her doubt him or feel any worry about things. Well, he found out the hard way that she was very very serious about certain things. Without listing off all the things that KL was deeply concerned about regarding their relationship, I'll state one thing that indicates how worried she was: she forbade him to masturbate. She walked in on him doing it once and freaked out. Felt that masturbation meant that he was unhappy with their sex life and she saw it as the beginning of infidelity. (I tell you...once somebody has been deceived and really hurt, the things their brain can conjure up are amazing.) That's what I know to be fact. Shortly after the particular conversation that KL and I had about this, KL quit communicating with me. All I can do is speculate about what happened. My hypothesis is that KL, in an attempt to be perfectly honest with his new love, probably told her that he and I had sexual history. We never dated. When we kissed, it was extremely awkward because there was no passion. The only reason we ever got physically involved was just for GP...boredom...somethin to do. We both knew that. And it was fine. It happened ages ago. By the time 2007 rolled around, KL and I were strictly friends, had not touched one another in over a year. Well, since she wouldn't even allow him to touch his own body in a sexual way, my assumption is that she definitely wasn't going to allow him to be friends with someone who used to touch his body in a sexual way. I'd almost put money down that she told him that she'd rather him not speak to me anymore. I'm sure that he obliged...he loved her with his whole heart and wanted nothing more than to be with her. Everything that she wanted, he did it without complaint.

But the thing is...whatever happened....whatever went down....whether this is the case or not....regardless of what the situation was, he could have told me that we weren't going to be friends anymore. For whatever reason, he elected to just ignore me. It hurt. Real bad. But there wasn't anything I could do about it but just move on. Try and forget about it...I was unsuccessful. I missed him and I still do. Everybody tells me that if it was so easy for him to just up and never talk to me again, then we must not have really been all that tight and he must not have been that good of a friend. I see their reasoning, but the truth of the matter is that he was a great friend. Amongst the best I've had. Always had my back, agreed with me when I was wrong, always there for me to talk to. I miss that. With most people, the "fuck it" attitude seemingly comes out of nowhere and I can write people off fairly quickly and easily. But I just can't. I just find myself filled with immense sadness.

The only reason I'm writing about this right now is because, within the past few days, I've been alerted to the fact that they got married. Last February. I, of course, wasn't invited and had no clue he was marrying her. That, to me, was like the final indication that our friendship is really over. I logged on to facebook the other day and the very first thing on my newsfeed was someone writing on his wall, asking how married life was. I went and checked his page and it definitely said married. The girl had written all over his wall and she definitely had his last name. Then, coincidentally, KL's cousin came to my job today. I inquired about the wedding and he confirmed that they were indeed married. Said it was a nice little ceremony. I was crushed.

I myself am a little more jealous and a little more possessive than what's probably good. I can completely understand KL's girl being uncomfortable with our friendship. We did have a tight bond and not only did we have sexual history, we just had a lot of history period. I took KL to his very first concert ever...we went and saw Twista. We both had duds for cars in high school and our early college years so we used to lament over them together. We used to drive down the main drag in Terre Haute and do Chinese fire drills at every red light until the police made us stop. Everybody has memories with the people they've experienced things with. I know that these memories and our bond were important to KL to a certain extent as well because every girl that came before this one, he would tell them outright, "erika is my best friend, she's been there for me through too much for me to ever put you before her." I fully understand that as your relationship progresses to the point of being in love and thinking that you're going to be together for life, that person has to come first. How could they not? I totally would have expected for us to talk way less, for us to not see each other very much, for her to take the place as his best friend in his life, to be his go-to person. But for him to decide that we're just not friends anymore, I expect to be told that as well. I may not have been happy to hear the news, but I would have been happy for him and possibly even proud of him and admired him for doing whatever he had to do to keep a happy home ( so many people these days refuse to sacifice for the sake of their relationship, then wonder why they end up single). Plain and simple, I would have respected his decision and would have respected him for coming to me and telling me straight up. But apparently, he didn't feel the need for any of that. That's what hurts.

Like I said above, the fact that he got married and I didn't have a clue speaks volumes to me about how our friendship is completely dead and I'm just as good as non-existent to him. It's interesting [and by interesting, i mean sad]...over the course of the past couple years, people have dropped out of my life randomly, and a few actually told me that they didn't want to be kool with me anymore....but they have all made a come-back. Every single one of them. I've gotten a phone call, a text, an IM, a facebook or myspace message....something. They have all hit me back up and told me that they miss me and that they want me back in their life. Well, for most of them, it was a case of too little too late. But Keith has never popped back up. He's never attempted to make contact out of the blue. I haven't seen him in any of my inboxes in almost 2 years. He's the only one I want to hear from.

It's unfortunate that this is an extremely old situation and I'm still as sad as can be about it. Just learning of his year-old marriage for the first time this week has me messed up. The whole situation has plagued my mind today as if it happened yesterday. I know that I'll be fine, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Valentine's Day

Monday night, I went to bed thinking that I had to be at work at 12:30 yesterday. Luckily, right before falling asleep, I checked my schedule. I really had to be at work at 8:30. Yuck. So I set my alarm for 5:45 so that I could get up, rush around and get my belongings together, and be on the road by 6:30. Needless to say, I was absolutely exhausted by the time I arrived at work at 8:35. Waking up so early, then rushing around, then driving in the snow just had me worn the hell out. Work was okay though.

I had to write the schedule for my staff to turn in yesterday and I realized that I was writing for the week of Valentine's Day. When I was young, Valentine's day was characterized by those lil cheap cards and chocolate galore and parties in the classroom. Then, when I was in 7th grade, my grandfather died on February 14. That forever changed the tone of the day for me. For every year after that that I lived in my parent's house was marked with sadness. My dad always seemed down and out on that day. No waking up to heart shaped pancakes and a ride to school. In high school, I always seemed to be in-between relationships when Valentine's day rolled around. After high school, I pretty much just ignored the day. Sometimes I would be invited to go to dinner or something with a big group of single girls just to do something. Once I started working at Red Lobster, I was required to work that nght, so I never thought of it as anything more than a busy-ass shift. I would look at all the couples and kinda wish I had someone, but it didn't really get to me. I began to see Valentine's day as a big commercial thing. It was dumb, just another day. I even took it upon myself one year to wish people "Happy February 15th!" the day after, just to be smart ass...if the day is about love, shouldn't we show it everyday, not just some random day in mid-February??! But for some reason....this year...I feel different. I believe the presence of a relationship has something to do with it. Last year, I was in the same relationship, but it wasn't exactly positive all the time. Now that we've ironed out most of the kinks and everything is going well, the day has a different feel to it. Once I completed writing my schedule yesterday, I texted Shanee to ask her if she would not make plans for that Saturday so that her and I could have a phone date. Yes, a phone date. It's lame and corny, but I wanted to set aside that night just for the two of us to talk and spend that time together the best way we can. It's unfortunate that the phone is all we have, but I have to make use of what I've got. Her and I are very different on a lot of levels...we think differently, we feel differently, we perceive differently. I have no doubt in my mind, that since we aren't in the same city, she would have treated the day just like it was any other Saturday. If someone had hit her up about a party or a get-together or something, she would have gone without a second thought. I kinda felt sad that I had to specifically ask her to not make plans for that day, but I know stay at home specifically to chill on the phone would not have really crossed her mind. I've grown to respect our differences, but sometimes, just a tiny bit, I wish we were more in-tune about those types of things. But like I's no secret that we're vastly different. She can't read my I'm not ashamed or afraid to ask for what I want.

After work, I drove home in the snow storm. It was a long, tedious drive. I was just thankful to have made it in safely...all they were talking about on the radio were the accidents all over town. I just came in the house and did job applications and talked to Shanee for the rest of the day. Low-key evening. I have to make great strides in my packing today, definitely.


Monday, January 26, 2009

Puzzle Pieces

I woke up yesterday and even though I'd gotten a full night's rest, I was just exhausted. Sometimes, just the thought of a long, full day is enough to exhaust me. I wake up tired just thinking of all the stuff I have to do. Anyway, when I woke up, I was facing 9 hours of work, then a company winter party, then driving home to Terre Haute. For some reason, it just seemed like a lot. And it proved to be so. Work was long, boring, and tiring. Then we had the company party. It was kool. I won a camcorder, a trucker hat, and a bath set. It was a decent time though. My coworkers are hilarious at times. I hit the road when it was over to come to Terre Haute for my mother's birthday.

I got into town last night at around 10:30. Sat and chilled with my parents. I went to bed kind of early.

Woke up this morning and just watched tv and chilled. Washed some clothes. Then we went to my mother's salon and I got a haircut. I felt kind of bad that I made my mother work on her birthday, but not bad enough to skip a haircut lol. After I got my haircut, we went to my brother's house to pick up the sofa he's giving me for my new place. Once it was loaded into the back of the truck, we went to an authentic Chinese restaurant. I had real General Tso's for the first time. It was wonderful. My mom was annoying because she got on my brother and I for not trying something else. Saying that she didn't raise us to be close-minded and non-experimental and whatnot. "You guys can get general tso's anywhere, why would you get it here when you have a chance to actually get good Chinese food?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not really a huge fan of Chinese anyway. Something about the way it's cooked, the sauces used, and the seasoning...I'm just not impressed. I'll eat it, but I never crave it on my own or suggest it. I typically eat it out of compliance with someone else's wishes. Given all this, I was going to stick with what I know. I wasn't in the mood to try a pu pu platter gang pang chicken. Just didn't sound appealing. I was kind of irritated that she equated that with not being open minded. And the thing that made it especially bad was that I had stated three times before we even went that I wasn't really feelin Chinese.

I elected to give my mom the bath set I won last night as a gift for her birthday. I don't use bath sets and she loves things like that. Perfect gift, it was easy and free to obtain, and she loved it. The one thing I hate about coming home is that I don't get to talk to Shanee as much. My parents are firm believers that to text in the company of others is rude. They think it's horrible for me to sit with them but obviously be engaged in conversation with someone who isn't present. And in addition to that, with my father refusing to go to bed, he's always present. I can't get any privacy until I'm laying in bed behind a closed door. I don't know if it's because I'm home or the fact that I'm not going to be happy with our amount of communication until we live together and I see her everyday. I miss her more and more each day. It's so unfortunate.

I had a pretty good conversation with a friend the other day. About gayness and straightness. She began dating a girl in high skool, then dated a boy in college, and has dated 2 girls seriously since then. Just a couple months ago, she was very set on being a lesbian and wouldn't hear of messing around with a boy. But then she tells me yesterday that if her relationship ends, she's going to "be straight" again. She said she feels that men have better personalities and she is tired of dealing with other women's emotions in addition to her own. I honestly feel that those things are separate from gender and sexuality. I know many more men with shitty personalities and unattractive characteristics than women. I also know plenty of women who are not emotional at all, stone cold. I think she just hasn't met the right woman yet. She said she will always be physically attracted to women, but if she's in love with a man, it won't matter. I was happy to hear that she intends to be faithful. She also said that there won't be any switching back and forth. I told her that she doesn't have to put one label on herself and that be it. She's allowed to change her mind, to have dual attractions. There does exist a phenomenon known as bisexuality lol. She also said something else that stuck with me. She said she has yet to meet anyone that was a perfect match for her. She feels the closest thing she's ever had to a soul mate was the boy she was with in college. She said that her and the girls were more like puzzle pieces...they fit together, but they were total opposites. I kind of liked that description. I believe Shanee and I are puzzle pieces. We're pretty much opposites on a lot of levels, but it's good. We fit together like puzzle pieces. We come together for a nice picture...the sum of our parts is great and makes perfect sense. But my friend isn't content like that. She wants it all. She wants her perfect match on every level. She is extremely smart and wants some equally smart. She is arrogant and wants someone just like that as well. She can be an asshole at times and she wants somebody who's also like that. It's well within her right to desire what she wants, but I wonder if it's worthwhile to really think she's going to meet someone exactly like her. All in all, it was an interesting conversation and I'm glad we had it.


Friday, January 23, 2009


Not much has been going on. Same ol' same ol'. Can't complain.

I'm really starting to get excited about moving. Now that I've actually began sorting through things and marking things off my list, I really can't wait. Only a little over a week left in this place! I can't believe I've lived here this long. I remember when I first moved in, I didn't think I would be here any longer than a few months. But that was in the summer of 2006. I never thought it would happen, but I grew comfortable here. I've made many memories here. Regardless of how I felt when I first got here, it's been home. I'm still thrilled to be leaving though!

It's really funny how off-base our perceptions of people can be sometimes. I went to dinner with a friend last night. I've been friends with her for like 3 years, met her my junior year of college. I thought I pretty much knew her. Last night she revealed that she is absolutely dying to try crack. She wasn't even joking. She knows when she's going to try it, where, and the person she's going to try it with. She said she doesn't mind the risk of addiction. She said that she knows it's a terrible idea but she's going to do it anyway. I was so shocked. I just kept telling her, "you're crazy!" and other similar remarks. I couldn't believe it. Drugs are so far off of my list of things to do that I don't ever consider that they could very well be on other people's. When I think of cocaine and any other drug besides weed, I think of addicts who will do anything for their next hit. And I always think they got that way because of one bad decision, like poor snap judgment at a random party or someone gave it to them mixed in something else and they weren't aware. I wasn't aware that people consciously desired, with a sober mind, to try the drug for long periods of time, especially well-to-do college students who've got their ducks in a row and everything seemingly in their favor. I didn't say too much to her about it, but I really hope she changes her mind.

Bed early for me tonight...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Gay & Sad & Painful

I was approached by a gay man today. At work. I was walking through the produce section on my way back to the front of the store and he comes toward me and kind of sticks his hand out like he's flagging me down. I stop and ask him if I can help him with anything. He said, "I just wanted to know if you were spoken for." I said yes as I raised my eyebrows. He just kind of looked at me and I turned and kept walking. According to Shanee, I was supposed to ask him why he asked and actually talk for a few minutes. I told her next time I would gather more information lol. I mean, this dude had on men's clothing, but had makeup on. I shouldn't judge. Maybe it's wrong to have assumed he was gay, maybe he's just very open about gender and appreciates makeup. Maybe he was gay and was asking on behalf of a female friend who was elsewhere in the store. Regardless of why he was asking, the answer was still yes, I'm spoken for, and so I didn't feel any need to really entertain him or express interest by asking who or why. People are too thirsty these days and no one seems to respect the relationships of others, so I've learned to not even give anyone the time of day. It's probably cold and rude, but when people make it known that they are interested, they gotta go. Especially when they find out that my relationship is long-distance...they really feel like they can put their bid in then. Trying to just be friends with these types of people has already proved fatal in the past so I'm not even willing to go there anymore.

Speaking of long distance, I'm not cut out for it. I miss Shanee so damn bad, it's ridiculous. These 600 miles between us really hurt. We've made it this far and we've only got about 4 more months left, but it's no consolation. When we first got together in 2007, I thought that it would get easier, that I would grow accustomed to it. That hasn't been the case at all...the opposite has proven true. I can't stand it now worse than I couldn't stand it when we first decided that we were going to be exclusive. Being apart from her feels like torture. The things I do on an everyday basis don't feel complete because I'm alone. She posted some pictures on facebook last night of her and her friends hanging out and playing wii. I love seeing her smiling face, but I couldn't shake the fact that I was missing from the images. I just can't wait for our relationship to exist normally, like in the same city. I am so jealous of a friend of mine. He leaves tonight to move to Atlanta to be with his boo. They've been long distance for about 3 years now and today is the last day of their gap. I'm really happy for him!

Tonight will consist of sorting out all my clothes into a "donate" pile and a "keep" pile. That's my plan anyway. But I have really had bad abdominal pains all day long. The result of being a female. I just wanna lay down and eat tacos for the rest of the night.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Hurt Feelings

Sometimes friendships have to end. I've gone back and forth about a particular friendship for months now, but I believe I'm finally reaching a point where I'm letting go. I haven't truly hung out with this friend for about 3 weeks and it's been great. I haven't missed her at all. I'm not happy to see her the few times I have seen her. She has a lot of characteristics that I just don't care for. There has been a few occasions in which I've been offended or put off by something she's said or done and she's actually told me "I didn't see what the big deal is and I still don't." Pretty much telling me to save it because she's not hearing it. I'm not sure if it gets any more flagrantly thoughtless than that. She's a good friend for things like driving me to the airport, but for everyday situations that really matter, she doesn't have much to offer. She really doesn't see too much beyond herself. I myself am guilty of feeling that I deserve a certain type of treatment from people and I'm quick to let people know when I'm offended or they've fucked up. But with her, I've found that it's absolutely useless to even try and express my feelings. If she doesn't think she's done any wrong, she's not open to hearing what I have to say at all. Today at work, she paged me into her office because she said she wanted me to look over the details of the winter party that she's organizing at our job. I get in there and I see that one of the gifts is an Obama dvd. Great gift. However, since we aren't even allowed to refer to the party as a "Christmas" party because not everyone believes in Christmas, I didn't think it was a good idea to have a gift that's political in nature. Not everybody would appreciate receiving an Obama dvd at their company party. When I pointed this out, she rolled her eyes, got an attitude, and said, "oh well, it's free, whatever!" Um, ok. From there, she bitched and moaned about other things, then got on the phone. I got up and walked out of her office wondering to myself why she called me in there in the first place. If she wanted me to look over the party details, why was she so nasty when I found fault with one of the gifts? Stuff like that, I can just do without. That comes on top of other similar situations. So, I've reached the end of my rope. Admittedly, my rope with anyone isn't typically very long, but I've really reached the end with her. There's been too many other situations and I'm not going to keep overlooking it. The thing that's bad is that I don't really feel the need to have a conversation with her about it. It won't be worth it. I know how she works and how she reacts to things and I'm not even going to waste my breath. I'm just going to politely decline any invitations to do things with her. Eventually she'll realize that I'm not interested in being close anymore.

I was rather upset about all this earlier. I was talking to Shanee about it. And I really did begin to grow upset, like about to cry. Then, rather abruptly, Shanee had to go to sleep. It was approximately 12:30 and she has the first day of classes tomorrow beginning at 8:30 so I understood the need for sleep, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little let down that she couldn't find another 10 minutes or so to hear me out and make sure I was kool. I understand and respect her wanting to be rested up for skool, but there's no denying that it stung.

They say that time heals all wounds, and I'm sure it does for most, but I believe my scabs are still able to be torn off with relative ease. It amazes me that I can think of something that happened as far back as 2 years ago, and it will still hurt my feelings like it happened 5 minutes ago. No joke. My chest will begin to burn and then next thing I know, I'm fighting to blink back tears. I rarely win the fight. I wish my skin was thicker and my feelings weren't on my sleeve.


Sunday, January 18, 2009


They say you learn something new everyday. I don't really know if this is qualified as "new," but I definitely paid attention and recognized today that I'm not very good at expressing what I mean or getting my point across effectively and it leads to senseless arguments. Confusion at the very least. I should work on this.

Today has been relaxing. I had the opportunity to sleep in, though I didn't take it. I was up and ready to move at approximately 9:30. I had breakfast, did all my usual internet browsing, talked to my mom on the phone for awhile, and sat around. Took a nap. Then went to Scotty's Brewhouse with Ashley and the boy she's dating, Lucian. He was really nice, fun to talk to, sociable. I'm glad she's dating him, they seemed to be a really good fit for one another. I like when my friends enter good relationships and are happy.

Speaking of happy, one unhappy event for a lot of people has been this year's playoffs. What is going on? It seems to just be a series of flukes. The Arizona Cardinals?! And right now, the Steelers are up 23-14...they need to keep it that way because I've got a pair of Levi's jeans riding on it. Shanee and I make friendly bets on football games.


Dance? No Thanks.

I can't dance. I've never been able to. I'm not ashamed to admit it and I'll tell anyone. I fake it as much as I can and no one stares or I'm convinced that I fake successfully. But it's not natural and it's not enjoyable. It's work...I am concentrating. This is why you will not find me on anyone's dance floor unless I've been dragged and shoved simultaneously by two people.

Anyhow, when people ask me if I like to dance and I say no, they of course ask why. I explain that I can't. Somehow or another, this triggers something in their minds that makes them want to find out for themselves. And a lot of women (cruel ass women) get a thrill out of "workin' me out" and showing me up. What they do is they wait until I've got the beat and everything is going right, then they wanna suddenly start twerkin and shakin like triple time, there's a leg in the air, their ass is down by my knees. All their friends are huddled around us in a circle yellin for her to "give it to her" and "take that shit erika!" As for me...I'm not taking anything. I can barely keep up. When one girl has exhausted herself, it's only a matter of a few minutes before one of her friends, or a complete stranger from across the room, decides that it's her turn. And I swear that they all try to out-do one another. Actually, I'm not sure if they are trying to shake it harder and faster than the girl before them or to make me look (and feel) even more foolish...I suppose it probably has a dual purpose. And for some reason, it's even worse when I'm standing up against a wall or sitting down. They seem to really love it then. Tonight for instance, I was at a house party and there was a girl there without her girlfriend and she was actin wild. I wasn't paying her much attention, I was just trying to avoid being danced upon. I was making superficial conversation with an acquaintance and trying not to text Shanee all crazy (I wanted to let her enjoy her friends and have a night out without being in her inbox ridiculously) when I felt somebody suddenly stand right next to me. I looked over, saw it was her, and took a step away to break the contact. (I swear I wasn't rude about it!) She didn't move closer, but when the next song came on, she jumped in front of me with so much quickness, it almost kind of scared me. The boy I was talking to, his eyes got big too. As soon as she did that, I knew exactly why she had came to stand next to me. She was basically "in line" to be next. No one has ever been that blatant about it before.

I don't know if this phenomenon is a blessing or a curse. Sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's embarrassing. There have been times when I was in a certain state of mind and I used it to my advantage. But most of the time, when I'm out, I'm just having a few drinks and enjoying my friends...I'm not really there to "participate." It seems like my freedom of choice gets taken from me though. I know that I cannot be the only other person that this happens probably happens to everyone, they just don't think twice or blog about it. I, on the other hand, HATE IT!

Friday, January 16, 2009

A HodgePodge

It is so uncomfortably cold in my apartment that it has sent me into a bad mood. It's absolutely frigid in here. I haven't felt my toes in hours. My space heater is holdin' steady at about 56. The heat in my apartment is cranked as high as it will go, but it's no match for the windows that provide their "downtown view" (they don't). I refuse to wrap my windows in plastic since I'm moving in less than 20 days. I have wrapped them the past two winters and it didn't help much. I've decided it's not worth the purchase of the plastic and the time and energy it takes to seal them. Last year, Shanee and I almost broke up over sealing my windows. I asked her to simply be in charge of cutting the tape and handing it to me as I did the actual sealing. You would have thought I asked her to lick a toilet. Her attitude about the whole chore was, right off top, absolutely horrible! Then, I told her I needed big pieces of tape...I look over and she's got about 4 pieces cut and they were each about 2 inches long. That's not big! Then I would ask her to hand them to me one by one and after about 6 pieces, I thought she would have naturally fallen into the rhythm of the task and would know to keep the tape coming...but no. I would extend my hand and not receive a piece of tape...I would turn my head to see her adjusting the music, looking at something on the computer, staring off into space. She wanted the windows sealed for her own attempt at warmth and comfort, but I believe she thought she was going to sit and watch me do it. I don't really remember if we truly argued, but we definitely were not happy with one another by the time the windows were sealed.

In April, I will officially have known Shanee for 2 whole years. But this past winter/New Year's marks our first calendar year together. No, it hasn't been a solid year as there were a few fuck-ups on both of our accounts, breaks, splits, and general periods of just not being into one another...but a whole calendar year nontheless. And it's somewhat amazing to see how much growing and changing she did in 2008. She's still Shanee, but it was interesting and sometimes painful to watch her enter her early 20s and grow into herself. It was tough at times to remember that people change as they grow, they don't just simply get older. I found myself, and still find myself, being extremely protective of her. I want to show her how to do everything. I'm overjoyed when she comes to me and asks for advice or help with certain situations because she knows I've already dealt with it...and I'm crestfallen when she doesn't. When I met her, she didn't talk to a lot of people. Myself, her two best friends, and one quirky boy that used to like her were her whole life aside from her family. I'm not too proud to admit that when she began making other friends and spending time with people on campus and actually having a social calendar, I got jealous. I made it my business to find out as much as I could about her new runnin' buddies because they didn't start out looking like the most worthwhile people to be around..for instance, I was livid the night she went to a get-together and made herself really sick from eating weed cupcakes. I'm sure nobody forced them down her throat, but she wasn't thinking about marijuana until that night. (and she hasn't since!) I just want to save her from downfalls and headaches that can be avoided. It stung the day that she told me, straight-up, that she has to make her own mistakes and figure things out for herself. (If I don't even like hearing that from my girlfriend who's only 4 years younger than me, imagine how heartbroken I will be when my future kids wash me out of their hair in their adolescent years!) Aside from how uncomfortable it might have been at times to watch this phase of her development, all in all, she's beautiful and she's my babygirl and I wouldn't trade her.

I had a doctor's appointment this morning. When I arrived, I checked in with the receptionist, handed her my insurance card and prepared myself to fill out new paperwork as it's a new year. As I was filling out the paper, this man sitting a few seats down from me fixed his eyes on me. I just focused on my paperwork and tried to ignore him. When I stood up to take my paperwork back to the receptionist, I stole a glance at the man. Much to my surprise, his eyes weren't real! They were glass or wood or something. He had two fake eyes. For the rest of the time that I was waiting, I really couldn't get over it. It startled me, but I wouldn't say it had freaked me out. I used to have a friend with a fake was never a concern or an issue. But the presence of two of them stuck with me. I wondered why he had sat there and "looked" at me for so long. I mean, I know he could sense my presence, but didn't anyone ever tell him that it wasn't polite to "stare?" I know he probably has minimal contol over the eyes, but why did he turn his face towards me and keep it there? That's what I failed to understand. There wasn't anything in my direction for him to be focusing TV, nothing. I was the only thing there.

As a result of being overweight and working at Sam's Club (being on concrete floors for 8 hours daily), I've got the beginnings of vericose veins. That's what my doctor's appointment was for...deep leg pain. My veins are going bad. The doctor prescribed weight loss, magnesium, and support tights. I guess I'm truly starting to tights at 25 years old! It's kind of unfortunate, but it could be a lot worse.

In other news, I was slightly amused earlier. I've been "out" for like a year and a half. The word 'gay' came out of my mouh in reference to myself in summer of 2007. Pretty much everybody knows. People knew before I wanted them to. Apparently, there's something about me that just screams 'gay' at people. But despite this...I got a text that seemed to ignore my blatant gayness. It was an invitation to an ex party. It said to "bring an ex-boyfriend that you're still friendly with and hook him up with somebody and your friends will do the same with their ex boyfriends." Considering who the invitation was from, I know that it will only be straight people in attendance. If I were to attend this particular party, I would strictly be donating an ex or two...I'm happy in my relationship, but even if I was single, there wouldn't be any women there for the taking lol. So...I wonder if I was invited on accident, or if It was a mass text, or if she just wanted to include me but didn't think it all the way through.

Everybody is so shocked that I'm moving on Super Bowl Sunday. I can't help that it fell on the first of the month. Besides, I probably won't care about the game because of how shocking and disappointing the playoffs have been. Everything is coming together though. My brother is giving me a couch since mine has crapped out. I'm going to ask my mom for the mattresses from my bedroom at her house so I can have newer ones. I have a feeling that she's going to say no, but I'm going to ask anyway. I spent about an hour going through some of the clutter in my desk area and it was ridiculous. I can see that I'm going to have to do a little organizing and throwing away each day in order to have everything the way I want it when it comes time to move.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Styes & Ignorance

I feel like I'm turning into some kind of old woman. I don't consider myself fully grown and I don't always act in the most mature ways, but I definitely am going through something in which I have no patience at all for young-acting people and ignorance. It's really unattractive to think of oneself as better than anyone else, but it's been a struggle not to lately. I've been surrounded by people who are just ignorant, seemingly on all levels. Not using proper English and thinking it's okay...being loud, obnoxious, and making it painfully obvious to everyone within earshot that you're trifling and ghetto. I'm just annoyed to the fullest extent by it. I shouldn't have to tell someone who's 28 years old that the word is "memorable," not "rememerable." (yeah, that's b). Nobody in their 30s should be screaming at me across a warehouse, asking for "oinkment" because they cut their finger and it burns. Ointment or not, that's what happens when you cut stings and burns. These people have graduated high school and are in college...why do they think this is okay? I'm just thoroughly sick of it all.

Unfortunately, I have what I believe to be a stye forming on the inner corner of my left eyelid. This afternoon at work, it just suddenly appeared. It began by swelling and I noticed my eyelid thickening. My eyes have been itching and creating a steady flow of pus and crust since the first of the year. Was this what it was working up to? The bump is now really tender to the touch and it's beginning to border on painful when I blink. I'm so unimpressed. It's really ugly too.

I've got a lot of things on my plate right now. I move into my new apartment on the 1st of February, I have some doctors appointments coming up for some check-ups, it's tax time, I've got some important decisions to make regarding my finances, still applying to better jobs, praying for my father and his health, my mother and her patience and sanity because of my father and his health, and my brother and his fast-approaching leap into fatherhood. Shanee is marvelous about helping me keep my head on straight.

Exhaustion has taken over, more tomorrow possibly!