Monday, June 15, 2009

Worth all this bull...??

I feel like the frustration and disappointment isn't going to end. And I question if it's worth it.

I must have really been makin some serious kind of mistake by getting so heavily involved and developing such intense feelings for someone younger than me and someone so far away.

After like 2 setbacks, Shanee still is not here. The updated plan is for this coming Sunday. Part of me doesn't even wanna talk about it or get excited about it...because I'd bet money that it won't happen.

And now, her mother has requested that she go back home in mid-July. She misses her and doesn't want her gone the whole summer.

I cried.

Like a child. At 25 years old, I heard news that was contrary to what I wanted and I threw a small fit. Laid out flat on the bed and cried. And I don't care how immature it was.

Now, I know plenty of people who have horrible relationships with their parents and their mothers don't give a damn about I'm happy that her mother loves her. But wheennnn is she going to get some balls and tell her mother no? At what point is she going to come up out from underneath her family?

Her and I have plans to be in Chicago for 4th of July. But I haven't even booked the hotel yet because she can't make a solid plan. The way her trip keeps getting pushed back, she'll get here on the 5th or something stupid like that. And we had other plans for July too....which I guess won't be happening now. Because her mom misses her. Not because she has a job to get back for. Not because she's got summer skool. Not because there's anything going on that she's missing. Because her mom said.

Maybe I'm being selfish. But I really want her to tell her mom no. I want her to stay here until the beginning of August as we'd planned. I still want to do the things that we planned to do.

It's upsetting because I kind of feel like she doesn't even mind leaving early. She's so lax about EVERYTHING. It drives me crazy. I don't even think she's concerned about the fact that our time will be cut short and she doesn't seem to be real concerned that I'm upset about it. "Babe, we'll still be together for 4 or 5 weeks." SOOO?? I want longer than that! And she's okay with it. I feel dejected.

I miss her too and I NEVER get to see her. And the last time we saw one another, it was horrrible. This was supposed to be our time to really rebuild and put some shit back together.

But she doesn't seem that worried about it. Maybe I should quit worrying about it too. I'm starting to see that we have completely different values and ideas about things. If my mom were to ever try to cut my summer with her short, I would tell my mom flat out.."NO!" Shanee just says okay. She hasn't had a job in over a month, was concerned about money last week, but today was askin for my address so she could do some online shopping and have it sent to my house for when she gets here. I asked her why was she unemployed and shopping. She didn't end up buying the clothes, but it irritated me that she was even spending her time like that. It's just senseless. Completely unnecessary. She's got a problem when it comes to clothes and shoes. There are things coming up that we've talked about doing and they will require money...I wonder if she thinks that I'm going to pay for everything. Because that's definitely a no-no. I'm done wining and dining her. I used to romance the shit outta her, best I could from 600 miles away. But after how she did me in march and sir. Them days are over. That fact alone makes me wonder if a relationship with her is even worth trying to rebuild and fix. I have so much anger and resentment towards her that it's ridiculous.

Her priorities and her values and the things she places importance on are just so funny to me. Family is an excellent thing to put first...but only to a certain degree. She says all this stuff about loving me so much and how I'm number one and blah blah blah...but I'm obviously second to her mom and sister. And that's fine...I guess. At some point though, when you begin telling a person that you wanna spend your life with them, that person has to be your top priority. They just do. And she may feel the feelings of wanting to be with me like that, but she simply is not ready to cleave to me instead of her mom and sister. It doesn't matter what we're doing...if they call, she answers. That drives me crazy. She just isn't ready, I think. I know that everybody is different and no two familial relationships are the same, but I know plenty of people her exact age who just graduated college just like her who don't act like her. Who aren't afraid to tell their parents something instead of just obeying like they're 10. Who prioritize properly. Who realize that it's dumb as fuck to be shopping when you don't have income. I'm just ready for her to grow the hell up.

Honestly speaking, I'm not sure if we'll make it through the summer. We've been disagreeing about a lot of things lately. Just don't see eye to eye on much. Gettin on each other's nerves. This visit, if and when it takes place, really is our last shot. It will be the moment of truth. It's either going to solidify us or send us on our separate ways.


E. said...

Dude, if there's anyone that feels you on this one it's me ..well to an extent. I mean that I KNOW exactly how you feel about the fact that she seemingly can't say no to her mom. Babe is so freaking attached to her parents that it's ridiculous sometimes. I remember feeling like I'd never be matter what, it would always be them over me,their feelings over mine. i imagine that's how you're feeling too. I have TONS of stories I could tell you. There were times when I wondered if I'd be able to deal with having two other people in my relationship for the rest of my life and it was so bad at times that I wanted to quit. Even now it's still hard at times but no where near the way it used to be. She finally got some balls and from time to time is able to say 'no' . So I guess the moral of the story is that if you can stick with it, it gets better. When Shanee's officially 'out' it'll be easier for her to explain to her mom that you are incredibly important to her too and that she needs to spend time with you. If you have the patience'll get better.It may take a longgggggggg time though. lol.sorry.

Alix said...

Don't look for a reason to be single for ATL pride. ok? be patient like E said.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Very similar to some shit I went through with my boyfriend years ago. It ended up working out actually... your sitution may also. Be patient dear.