Friday, September 25, 2009

my blog lives...

My friend Ashley has been my friend since we were in the same 4th grade class together. She texted me this morning, in distress, wanting to know what had happened to my blog. So, I figured I would take some time this afternoon to breathe a little life into it. 

I spent my 26th birthday out in DC with Shanee. I had so much fun. I'm not sure how exciting it was for her, she was born and raised there...but I think she enjoyed showing me so many things. She took me to the Redskins-Steelers preseason game, which was great. We went on a night tour of DC. We went to King's Dominion in VA. It had been a really long time since I rode any roller coasters, but it was a lot of fun. We ate and ate and ate, I had ice cream every single day. It was my first birthday since my dad died, so it was bound to be difficult, and it was. Just couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't receive all the birthday calls I was supposed to have gotten. It was nice being with Shanee though. As much as it drives me crazy how nonchalant she is and how she's so non-emotional, it definitely serves its purpose. Being around someone who does not dwell on the negative things and who refuses to spend time thinking about the past and is always focused on forward progression is a nice thing at times. Plus, she's funny. She cracks me up completely, so it's hard to feel too bad when she made it her business to make sure I was smiling the whole week. We definitely got good and into it a few times, but nothin irreparable.

The past couple weeks have been extremely rocky for the two of us. I went and saw the new Tyler Perry movie, and it basically ripped open all the emotional wounds that I thought were healing. The death of a parent cut me deep, for obvious reasons. Then the portrayal of how she was treated by her "boyfriend" just made it worse because my girl didn't support me much at all during my father's passing. It hurt all over again. Just watching it was enough to make me feel so bad, all over again. It's like it unleashed all the anger and resentment and ill feelings I had for her all over again. I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm not really over how she treated me. I kind of wonder if I ever will be. I'll probably never forget some of the things she said, how she acted towards me. It was all so selfish. Just downright cold and insensitive at times. She has apologized for it twelve million times and I've said plenty of hateful and evil things to her that didn't make me feel better, not a single ounce. I've told her that I accept her apology, but it's like I'm not sure how to truly forgive her and put it behind us. And now, every single thing that takes place is stained by how she treated me during March/April. Almost 7 months later and I still don't know how to just move on from it. In my mind, I'm truly convinced that no matter how many times she apologizes, says she wasn't thinking clearly, will never do it again, so on and so forth....she's already shown me that she doesn't care about me, she doesn't love me, she isn't supportive, I can't rely on her, and that I shouldn't be with her. With all that being worked around in my head, every little thing that happens turns into a huge ordeal because I'm ready to break up at every turn. I just feel very torn and confused. We've talked about it and talked about it and it doesn't get much better. I'm not sure what else to really do about it. I love her enough to keep working at it, but she's got one more time to hurt me until we're done forever. 

My workout plan is going well. I'm still meeting my goals, the best that I can with my cheat days thrown in. I'm definitely going to have to stop doing those...they surely impede progress. I can tell a difference when I've been eating bad. It doesn't take much of a cheat to make a difference either. I don't plan to completely deprive myself, but way more restriction and control will be practiced. A girl I met recently told me something that made good sense...the weight will come off, but even once I've reached my goal, the pizzas and ice cream and other crap will still be there and chances are, I'm not going to want it then. So true! 

I got cable a few weeks ago. I haven't had cable in my house in 8 years. And I am completely addicted to tv now. It's quite unfortunate. I am so seduced by all sorts of tv...news, reality shows, dramas, comedies...all of it. I never thought I would be so into things like Supernanny and Wife Swap. I completely love not having to go to a bar or restaurant to watch football as well, I can just watch from the comfort of my own couch. It's great! Shanee asked me a couple weeks ago though, "what happened to the book-loving Erika I used to know?" And it really struck me that I don't read at all anymore. Ever since I got cable, I don't blog, I don't read books, I don't read blogs....I just stare at the TV with my eyes glazed over. It's kind of sad. 

I'm getting my future worked out. I'll post the plans in detail when I have some confirmations!

Another weekend is here and I'm not sure what to do with it. Sleep? Watch tv?! Go see a movie? Take a book to Starbucks? Hit the club? 

4 comments:

JP said...

You'll be fine with TV so long as you don't get a DVR. Once you get a DVR, the move to the darkside will be complete.

breastswildasblkwaves said...

"I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm not really over how she treated me. I kind of wonder if I ever will be. I'll probably never forget some of the things she said, how she acted towards me. "

It takes time to rebuild trust. And that was pretty major what you went through. It's understandable that it's gonna take time to heal from that. You might never truly get "over" it. You just have to hope the new memories you build together keep you grounded enough to rarely revisit that painful time.

"As much as it drives me crazy how nonchalant she is and how she's so non-emotional, it definitely serves its purpose."

This reminds me of Mo SO much. I couldn't take her nonchalance. But the way you described it "serving its purpose" sounds like it could definitely have its advantages. I never looked at it like that.

Black Girl Meets World said...

Now you know darn well that something as traumatic as what you've been through takes time to get over hon. Honestly, I can't say that after 7 months I would be over it completely. I know I wouldn't. Just be fair in allowing yourself that time to heal. I'm sure she will too.

It's funny that you say Shanee is nonchalant. It's true, lol. I remembered when y'all touched down in the Chi - she's SOOOOO mellow, but I like that about her. And I think it balances you out well.

E. said...

Yes TV is incredibly addictive even when there's absolutely NOTHING on. Sometimes I have to put myself on a strict TV diet. Watch for a couple hours then turn it off, get up and go do something productive.Try it.If not it will totally fry your brain and make you completely useless for hours and hours on end, it's great! lol

About the incident with Shanee: Sometimes in relationships people say and do some shitty things to each other that are hard to get over. I think the key is figuring out if the relationship is worth getting through those things together. If it is, do your best not to ever squelch those feelings.Talk about how hurt you were whenever it's on your mind. Discuss it together (in a calm way) even if it comes up once a week. If you do that, eventually I think you'll begin to let it go. If not, it'll manifest itself into arguments over things that are totally unrelated and cause major problems. Trust me, it will be EXHAUSTING and lots of hard work, but again, it's up to you to decide if the relationship is worth all that. If not, move it along. Good Luck!