just funky!

I'm in a funk. 

It started yesterday, or perhaps Monday night.

That night, one of my associates and I got into it. He made the comment "that's gay" and I about lost my mind. We went round and round. Without rehashing everything that was said, I definitely told him that he was ignorant, small-minded, homophobic, and that his reasoning for his beliefs was not okay. Now, I wouldn't want anybody telling me those things...and because I am his immediate supervisor, I was a bit nervous that he may tell on me to my higher-ups for attacking his character. He was definitely wrong in the first place, but in terms of corporate policy, I'm sure we were both wrong. I don't feel nervous about the situation any longer, but I'm not that excited about seeing him anytime soon though...

I miss the Lady. The weekend we spent together was fantastic and I did not want to leave. I feel so empty. Something is missing. We were inseparable for 4 days and it hurt to come home and be by myself again. I just want to be back with her. I ask myself if some part of me likes pain, there must be something about tough long distance situations that I like since I keep doing it. I don't like the women that I meet around Indianapolis, but is there something inside me that doesn't really want a relationship? Do I not really want to deal with someone full time? Do I want somebody to talk to, somebody close to me....but not really want to put in the time, effort, and energy? Do I like missing somebody all the time? Do I like being forced to travel to spend time? Why do I keep doing this to myself? There's gotta be a reason that I keep forming these attachments to women that live 600 miles away. It hurts. "This is nothing to you, you're used to leaving," the Lady said to me as we walked back to our hotel from having lunch before my flight. I didn't agree fully, it definitely wasn't nothing to me. However, I couldn't argue with the fact that I'm used to leaving. I am. It doesn't mean that it's ever easy. Just that I've gotten used to it. It sucks each time. However, it's never lingered for three days before. I mean, I really feel awful. It's always been painful, but I guess I'm pulling up to a point where I'm not willing to keep leaving...

I'm still hurting over some of the things that happened between Shanee and I. Some of the things she said to me, some of the things that took place, the way I felt a good deal of the time. When it was good, it was good. But there were definite blocks of time in which I was not happy. And I feel weak as an individual to have withstood and put up with some of the ways she would treat me. It hit me yesterday that I haven't cried in over a month. Not a single tear. And it feels great! It doesn't feel too great though to look back and think about all the time that I did spend crying. Even though so much has gone on, it's really only been a few weeks since I ended that relationship. I was so mad at Shanee when I ended it and then immediately so happy about what was developing between the Lady and I and it's like my emotions are just now evening back out. I wouldn't go back and change a single bit of it, but it's like my emotions are flat from not having a good fight, or being hurt to the point of tears every week or so. I'm so used to sub-par treatment that I almost don't know how to act now that I'm not having to ask to be treated the way I want. I'm being treated exactly the way I always wanted to and I almost don't know how to receive it. That fact saddens me. Another fact also saddens me...that I could love somebody so much, to the point of near stupidity (it was stupid how deep for her my feelings went), and they just not feel that for me. Right or wrong, good or bad...I loved that girl more than I loved myself. And maybe it isn't her fault, but she just did not feel that for me. I was not her first priority, she easily put other people and things ahead of me. I wasn't her whole life like she was mine. I'm still trying to get over that, work through those feelings. As the anger fades away, all that's left is sadness over our relationship. And honestly, I'd rather just be mad...it's easier. 

I've been eating junk and not exercising for 9 days. It ends tomorrow. I said that yesterday. But I mean it today. Tomorrow, I will go to the grocery and get good foods again and start back at the gym. That's probably half of the problem...why do I expect to feel well when I'm trashing my body? Speaking of my body, for the past 2 days, I've also felt like there was a cold or some kind of sickness brewing. I've been really sleepy with a runny nose. I had a ticklish throat yesterday as well.

I'm sure that I will feel fine again, just give it a lil time...