Tuesday, December 22, 2009

damn, i just want my friend back

Yesterday was amongst the toughest days I've had in a long time. For two reasons.

I arrived at work just in time for a meeting to start. It's a very informal meeting held each morning at the same time. Sam Walton believed that associates working for a company had a right to know exactly how the company was doing financially on a day to day basis. So this meeting takes place every morning, it lasts anywhere from 10 to 40 minutes, and it's basically a bunch of bullshit. I mean, of course, not the parts where we discuss sales and wages and profits. But the parts of the meetings where our general manager likes to try and call people out about any mistake or shortcoming for the sole purpose of being a capital B, those are pure bullshit. Yesterday was my turn. It was extra bullshit-like because of the way it happened. I walked into the building, went to the timeclock, then sat down because the meeting was starting at that moment. The GM was walking directly behind me the whole time. She saw my every step. She went around the room asking all the supervisors for their sales report from the weekend. She got to me. I told her I didn't have mine, I had just arrived and hadn't looked at the report yet. She rolled her eyes and said "hmmmmm." Everybody knows that I cannot stand this woman, so a few people chuckled and snickered because they knew I was boiling on the inside. I shrugged my shoulders with a smirk on my face and everybody started cracking up. She got all red in the face and had a look on her face as if she wished she'd never even called on me. Then she ignored me for the rest of the day. Acted like I didn't exist. Fine by me. I talked to one of my friends about it, a girl who used to work there but has since advanced and moved to another club. She said that the manager probably just doesn't care for my attitude most of the time...I'm laid back, nothing phases me, I'm not scared of her, and I don't play her games. Plus, I get smart with her on Facebook. There's been a handful of incidents in which she's said something sarcastic or something I didn't like on my wall or in response to a status update, and I've been really quick to say something slick back to her. I'm contemplating just removing her, but then I fear that my consequences will be worse. I should have never ever confirmed her friendship request.

Anyhow, that was how the day started. When I got to my department, I had 20 rolls of film sitting on the counter. My associates the day before hadn't done any of it. Hadn't even started it. Didn't even look like they attempted to start it. I was livid. Then, all day long, people just had serious attitudes. I kept a smile and just rolled with it. I got to work with my favorite associate (yeah, I play favorites like that) and he and I clowned around and had a semi-good time. However, despite the good time, we were still insanely busy. The lab was a complete and utter wreck, water filters had to be changed, just all sorts of shit hit the fan at once. I looked up and discovered that it was 5p, but there was no way that I could have just rolled out and left things in the state they were in. Plus, there are just some things that I know I should do myself...some things just can't be delegated. So I ended up staying until about 7:30. I may have stayed even later, but a particularly unhappy customer changed all that. This woman took it upon herself to let me know that I need to retrain my associates because they should have helped her crop her photos better. She began pointing to other customers placing their orders, asking me if they have a full understanding about how our software works and if not, I need to be out there educating them. When I offered to re-do her order for her, she told me that she didn't have time, she needed the prints right away, and that I must not understand that it's Christmas. I just looked at her, blank faced. She went on and on and on. I can't even remember all of what she said. It was how she spoke. It has been a really long time since I've been spoken to like that. I wanted to cry. In fact, I did when I got outside to my car. I believe full well that she would have spoken to a dog nicer. Even her daughter was looking at me sympathetically. I was glad that no one else was within earshot because I was embarrassed, I could feel my cheeks burning.

Anyhow, there were other aspects to my day that made it not so good as well. It was first day detoxing...blood sugar remained pretty low, stomach growled most of the day, and there were a lot of temptations. The demo ladies had bacon and ham and it was super difficult to walk past and not grab a piece. There was chocolate cake in the breakroom. I had to exercise a lot of self-control.

Things between the Lady and I are no more. Ended about 2 weeks ago. Everything started out great, but took a severe turn south, seemingly overnight. We began to argue. Disagree. Hurt each other's feelings. And this was only after pursuing romance for 2 months. Two months in, people should still be deep in the honeymoon phase, everything should still be all laughs and giggles, just good feelings. Shouldn't be any stress involved yet. Plus, I was convinced (and still am) that after awhile, my laid back, relaxed approach to life would have been a complete turn off to her. I'm extremely silly compared to her and anybody else she's ever dated. I laugh, joke, and play all day, which is all fine and good. But I felt bad some days when I knew she was working her ass off and really giving her job her all and she would ask me what I did all day and I would have nothing better to say than "talk shit and clown." I voiced those concerns to her on a few occasions and she reassured me that it was all fine and that there was so much more about me that she liked and whatnot. But just as I suspected, my way of doing things when I get ready, when the time feels right, didn't sit too well with her. There were a few things going on that needed my attention, but my sense of urgency about most things is low. This situation wasn't any different, I was content to just do things when I felt it was time and it caused tension that never quite went away. We agreed to lighten up and kind of take a step back, not be so serious. We were in two completely different books in terms of what that meant, no where near being on the same page. This resulted in her being extremely upset, losing sleep and whatnot. It was apparent to me at that point that we were definitely not on the same page, not even on the same bookshelf. Two days of not speaking at all, a few texts here and there, led her to ask me if we were still going to pursue anything romantic. I didn't think we should and I said that. She said that we couldn't be friends. And for the life of me, I can't remember if she said that we couldn't be friends right now or we couldn't be friends period. I can live with the fact that I lost out on a wonderful girl that very well could have given me the relationship of a lifetime, but what I'm struggling with is the loss of the friendship. We started out so kool, I developed a crush, so when she came to me and let me know that she liked me, I jumped at the chance because I had never really let my mind go there before, I thought she was way far outta my reach. But before all that, we were friends. She's an excellent listener, she understood me, she didn't judge me, she gave me perfect advice, she supported me. She listened to all my problems. I told her things about me that no one else on this earth knows. And now she's just gone. She's an excellent girl and I loved every minute of the last two months before things went sour, but it wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth our friendship. If I had any idea that things would have ended up with her not even wanting to be my friend, I never would have pursued anything with her...just told her no when she expressed her feelings to me. I feel like friendship is the best relationship you can have with a person and now I'm really missing out. Whoever she ends up dating next is in for a real treat because she's great, but I want her as my friend. She made it very clear that she didn't want any parts of me after I told her that the romantic part of our dealings was done....I was defriended on Facebook, unfollowed on Twitter, she's invisible to me on instant messenger. I'm probably going to wait until after the new year and perhaps try and contact her, maybe an email, and tell her personally that I miss her friendship and ask how long it'll take to get it back.

1 comment:

Black Girl Meets World said...

It sounds like Lady was hurt at the lost of the romantic relationship. I am ashamed to admit it but I would probably have done the same thing, depending on how deeply her feelings emerged, and how deeply they were running.

Give her some space, and ask your question. If she is still hurting, you may not like the response she gives you, but at least you will know for sure.

:hugs: I know the feeling hon.