Wednesday, October 21, 2009

bein' true to myself

I received an angry letter in the mail yesterday. From Shanee. Detailing how foul, sloppy, and trifling my actions were. We texted about it today (she will not talk to me) and she let me know that I had been emotionally cheating for months. And even took her with me to meet my emotional mistress. They say that emotional cheating is the worst kind. She felt that I should have just told her flat-out that I had a growing interest for someone else, not harbored those feelings. She didn't actually say so, but I imagine that she feels played for a fool. I suppose, as a human, it was very easy for me to not see it that way. But the fact that she took the time, in 2009, to actually use an ink pen and 4 sheets of college-ruled loose leaf paper means that she felt that very deeply. I was upset to see that she thought so low of me. Even though she has made me feel like complete and utter shit a trillion times in the last six months, heartache is never something I would have wished on her. When I first read the letter, my stomach sank, I wanted to vomit, and I just generally felt like a piece of shit. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that well last night. Then, today, I was just flat-out angry about it. How dare she write a letter? She never took the time, energy, or effort to write me a 4-page letter about anything positive, but she sure found it within herself to put the work into writing me to let me know how foul I am. But even as I was angry, I still felt bad. Deep down, my soul was not okay. So, I did what I was raised to do. I did what I KNOW was the right thing. I gave her a genuine apology. For hurting her feelings. For causing her to feel disrespected. I acknowledged and took ownership of the fact that I caused her grief. And even though the response I got was "whatever, enjoy life," I felt a trillion times better. My stomach felt normal again. I felt free. Regardless of how bad she may have treated me at times and how many times I never got a genuine apology from her, I did the good and decent thing and apologized. And I meant the hell out of it. She doesn't have to accept it and I have the feeling that she wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire, but I can move forward knowing that I did the right thing. 

The relief was sweetened by an awesome workout. My gym is running a deal, $14.99 a month with no contract. So, people are signing up by the tons. Every single time I'm there, there's at least 15 people waiting to talk to a consultant. Anyhow, I noticed a girl that used to be a patron at my job. One day, she cursed at me and was extremely rude to me over a situation that was not my fault by any means. But, being that she's the customer, I couldn't say shit back to her without probably losing my job. So, I burned with anger and just stood there. A month later, she came in and I tried to just ignore her. But she approached me and gave me a genuine apology, told me that she was super sorry for how she'd acted and told me that there was no excuse for what she did, she'd been having a bad day and took it out on me. I gave her a blank face and kind of mumbled, "ok." I've seen her a few times since then and I still opt to just ignore the hell out of her. I saw her at the movies on Saturday and walked right past her like I didn't see her. I saw her looking at me in my peripheral. But today when I saw her at the gym, I waved and smiled. She broke into a huge grin and waved back. It was like I gave an unspoken "i forgive you." It felt awesome. 

I guess today was just back to back lessons for me in terms of how to do your very best to make situations as positive as you can. Regardless of whether I'm right or wrong initially, regardless of whether or not I deserve how people treat me, if I ultimately stand up and do what I know is right, then I always end up happy.. 


Black Girl Meets World said...

I'm proud of you. Nobody ever said doing the right thing was the easy thing to do. But it's ALWAYS the right thing. :)

MissMaculate said...

I like this post. You call it emotional cheating, I called it having "friends". I had just wrote a post about this and am in the process of letting my friends go. It's hard to notice that ur doing it...I've always had a friend in the background.