Saturday, October 31, 2009

when conversation gets weird

I'm bored, lonely, and exhausted. 

I'm bored because I elected to not do anything tonight. I had originally planned to attend a haunted house with a friend and some of her other friends. Now, me and this friend have a brief sexual history...we got completely wasted (like, white boy wasted) one night about 6 months ago, and had sex. Just one time, she was probably only in my apartment for all of an hour. It never happened again, there's no sexual tension between us, and I'm not attracted to her. But last week when we made plans to attend the haunted house, the conversation got a little weird. She said that we were drinking. I agreed. She told me that I was not going to just drink beer, which is my usual. I agreed to take a shot or two. She said no, more than that. It made me pause. Why was she so pressed about me drinking? The moment she said it, the time we had sex came rushing back to me...she had forced me to drink very heavily that night. Of course, she didn't hold a gun to my head and make me drink anything...but she was definitely buying me lots of drinks....and after awhile, it was just pure vodka that she was handing me. Anyhow, it struck me as peculiar that she would suddenly, after all this time, be concerned a week in advance about me drinking hard liquor and not just a little bit of it. She obviously wanted me drunk. I became uncomfortable. I spoke about it to the Lady (good name for the woman in NYC who just kills me with how classy she is?! i think so!) and decided that it was best to not even test the situation. It's in my best interest to not be hanging around somebody, drunk, when I get the strong vibe that they have something up their sleeve. 

Reason 2 for boredom...
While I was at work today, one of my coworkers and I were texting. She works an extremely early shift and I only saw her briefly and I kind of noticed that she wasn't as happy or friendly as she usually is, but the Lady was thick on my mind (as per usual), so I didn't think much of it. When she began texting me, she let me know that she and her girlfriend had broken up earlier this morning and that she was pretty upset about it. She asked me what I was doing tonight and I told her nothing. Then the thought came to me that it would be kool for the two of us to go to the movies or something since I didn't have any plans and she would probably benefit from not sitting around alone all night. So, as soon as I texted my idea to her, the conversation got a little weird. She asked me, "as a lesbian, what do you think about when you look at me?" I responded honestly. "Nothing really, a tomboy." That's what she is. She said "oh okay, I'm going to stop talking before I embarrass myself." I was thrown off. She then tried to salvage things by asking how my girlfriend-to-be is doing and I didn't hold back when telling her how good she is and how I'm so into her. It felt kind of insensitive to gush about my situation when her relationship just fell apart hours earlier, but I didn't want there to be any mixed signals. After that, all thoughts of going to the movies with her completely vanished. 

I'm lonely, partly because of the boredom and partly because I'm in one of those moods where only certain company and conversation will suffice. I wanna talk to the Lady and no one else. I'm in one of those moods to not discuss football, rap music, the media, whatever....I wanna talk about life, love, relationships, and the things that really matter in life. I wanna speak in soft voices. I wanna feel my insides heat up. I wanna smile to myself at the sound of her voice. I wanna linger on the phone well past the point of exhaustion. I wanna stare into her eyes via video chat. I wanna watch her smirk and smile and flare her nostrils in reaction to whatever I'm talking about. I want to quietly admit little things that I find adorable about her. I want to whine and resist going to sleep when she tries to put me to bed. Basically, I want to cake. But she's unavailable until later...

The exhaustion comes because we definitely spent all of last night on the telephone doing everything I've just mentioned. A day of work on very little sleep leaves me tired. Plus, my upper body is fried...the entire length of both arms is super sore, my shoulders are sore, my back is sore, my damn armpits are sore. And my right knee is not feeling very good either. I'm doing my thang at the gym and I'm getting my results, but it definitely comes with a price. 

Hot tea and a book will probably round out my evening just fine though!

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