I was off work today and absolutely thrilled about that fact! I slept in and just laid in the bed for a long time before I moved. It was a wonderful feeling.
I got up and caught up on the Olympics, watched a few shows online, and played around on the computer.
Before I knew it, Shanee and I were into it. Not a fight, but a serious discussion. It seems like everyday, something comes up. It's both of our faults. We've each done our dirt and hurt one another, but I can't let go. I can't get over it. I have a lot of hurt, anger, disappointment, and worry inside. It comes to the surface daily. It causes me to nitpick, start fights, and get my feelings hurt all over again. It's becoming quite difficult to manage. It's causing a lot of stress for the both of us. We have been trying for 3 days now to discuss it and really figure out the solution....so far, pumping the brakes and just being friends for awhile is looking like the best solution. It saddens me to think of us "breaking up" yet again. However, it would be beneficial to me to have a break from feeling so heavy-hearted. It would be beneficial to her not to have me fussing at her every single day when school starts back up. It isn't set in stone yet, but it's looking like she'll be coming out here for her previously scheduled visit, we will enjoy one another, and when she leaves we will begin trying to just be friends. I'm not sure how it's going to play out, but it's looking like our only option right now. It just hurts so bad. It kills me that I love her so much and this time last year, everything was absolutely wonderful. I couldn't have asked for anything more. But now, things are messy and don't seem to be getting any better. Like I said, I feel like it's primarily my fault because I can't let go of the past and just look toward the future. That's always been a tough thing for me to do. I feel so weak because I can forgive her, but I can't forget. I also feel weak because I feel deep down in my soul that I need her. Like, some Jazmine Sullivan needing. But what neither of us need is the stress that comes from this relationship right now, with my being upset every single day. It kills me that so much hurt and pain comes from one person, but so much comfort and support comes from that same person. That's why I feel that I need her. Nobody has ever listened to me without judgment the way that she does. I can talk to her about anything and feel comfortable. She has given me the space to be myself in such a way that nobody else has. I highly doubt that there are many people like her, I hadn't met any prior to her.
[She just confirmed that we are, indeed, going to take a step back and pump the brakes. She said that she loves me more than anything, and that I'm the one for her and we're going to be together in the end, but for right now, for both of our mental health and the health of our relationship, we have to take a step back. She doesn't want us to resent one another and I have to really get down to the root of why I can't let go and work to fix it. I guess I can't fault her for wanting a break from all my negativity and the arguments and tears that are products of it. It just hurts worse than I thought it would.]
I am still thrilled that she's coming out here. I hope we have a wonderful time together and really enjoy each other and I hope it's not awkward. More than anything, I hope I can remain positive and not let my emotions get the best of me once I'm in her presence. It's strange that I don't cry much about death or at funerals or movies or books, but let my feelings get hurt a tiny bit, and it's ON. She said that we will talk more once we're in person and face to face and see if being together makes things any different. It isn't really fair to try and evaluate a relationship or set it down when we haven't seen each other in almost 6 months. I hope that us spending 6 days together, uninterrupted, will fix the cracks and bruises in my heart and make me able to handle a relationship again. They say that time heals all wounds, but damn. If our visit doesn't rekindle our relationship, then I hope that spending some time with her will at least give me the strength to keep my chin up and press on as friends.
I suppose it's just as good an idea as any to go drown my sorrows in a latte.
- ► 2009 (85)