Wednesday, March 18, 2009

back back, back back...gimme 50 feet

Hey Eren.....Unfortunately, no. I got nada before I came back home. Nothing.

Am I kind of over it? Kind of.

If I think about it for longer than 30 seconds, do I still get heated? Absolutely.

Her and I actually decided yesterday to kind of give each other some space. Breathing room, I guess. My exact words were "let's just take 2/3 of a step back" and her response was "ok booboo, sounds good." I need time and space to grieve and put my life back together, and I originally thought that she could be down for that. But the truth of the matter is that she just needs this time to focus on herself and do her own thing and have her fun and just be 21. I want and expect more than she can give me right now. And truth be told, we're different people than when we met. She had just turned 20 and I was 23 when we met...and now I'm 25 and she'll turn 22 in less than a week. (For most of the year, I'm 4 years older than her.) There's a big difference between 22 and 25. We want different things and we expect different things. I think we'll be a great couple when our ages level out and we're on the same page. At 25, I'm simply not amused when TWICE we're out at dinner and she attempts to blow the candles out at the table. When I was 22, I probably would have laughed, or even jumped in and did it too. I smirked the first night she did it...the next night when she tried it again, I just rolled my eyes. She doesn't see anything wrong with texting her friends while I'm there exclusively to spend time with her. It's rude in general to be at a dinner table or be in conversation with someone and also be texting someone else. But it's double rude to do that when you're with your girlfriend that you only get to see every few months. I feel like her and I's time together is so limited that we should be focused only on one another while we're in the presence of one another. She feels that since every single day we're in constant communication from the time we wake up until the time we go to sleep, she gives me more time and attention than she could ever imagine giving anyone else, so who cares if she texts while we're out having dinner. We just don't agree on things like that and she herself even says that it's because of age. She has kind of watched me grow up a lil bit too...she can see the changes in me from the time that we met up to now. She knows that I used to do a lot of sneaky and underhanded things at my job and I didn't really take it seriously at all, but that's a totally different story now. And she's really quick to remind me that if I were to compare myself at her age to how she acts now, I was wayyyy worse. She knows all my secrets and she's heard all my stories, so she knows that when I was her age, I was completely off the hook. But somehow, I expect her to be more mature and serious about things than she is now. Also, this weekend she made a handful of distasteful comments concerning race and sexuality that were very unattractive and I let her know that I wasn't appreciative of remarks like those. Basically, the age difference has just led us to mutually get on each other's nerves and wear each other out. On Sunday while we were at dinner, I flat- out told her that I was ready for her to get some age on her and come on up out of the stage that she's in. She was like "why, so I'll stop doing so many things that just get on your last nerve?" The answer was "exactly." It was a light-hearted conversation, but we both said serious things that we meant. I think that we both agree that if we are serious about being together in the future, we have to pump the brakes right now before we end up seriously disliking one another.

So that's that....we didn't part ways or break up by any means, we'll still be in contact with one another, and I still love her a sickening amount, but we each just need to focus on ourselves. It took the pressure off of her and took the expectation off of me. She's free to say as many inappropriate things about racial groups and subcategories of homosexuals as she likes, act foolish at dinner tables, and text whoever she wants because I'm not going to concern myself with it.

Anyhow, yesterday was my first day back at work in almost two weeks. It felt good to get back in a routine and for life to feel somewhat normal again. I was touched and kind of overwhelmed by all the wonderful things my coworkers said to me. I was surprised by some of the people who pulled me aside and told me that they were thinking about me and were praying for me. Also, a coworker of a friend, who I've only met ONE time for 5 minutes, sent me a card with her phone number in it and told me to call her if I ever needed to talk. I texted her immediately to thank her and let her know that I will definitely hang on to her number and will stay in touch. Her father just passed on February 16th, so we both have super fresh wounds. I suggested getting together to hang out and she instantly agreed. I think it will be a good thing. Although I never anticipated bonding with someone over the death of my father, I guess that's what support groups basically are....people bonding, uplifting one another, and helping each other through an ugly situation. Anyway, back to work also meant back to incompetent employees, of course, didn't handle shit on their own and I had a stack of things to sort through and get settled. By tomorrow, things should be back kool. It's annoying though. Today was kind of tough at work on an emotional level. I wasn't crumbling and falling apart or anything, but just very heavy-hearted. I was so thankful that my mom called when I was on my lunch break because her voice did wonders for me...I immediately felt calm and at peace. I haven't always gotten along with my mom or been very happy with some of the decisions that she's made in her life, but I am so glad that I have her in my life. Through my father's death, I am learning a lot of lessons that I wouldn't have otherwise learned. I'm also seeing some sort of silver lining...her and I have grown close. Hearing her voice on the telephone has never been a treat to me, but it is now. I'm thankful for that. A few posts back, I wrote about how Shanee is just naturally a positive person with a good disposition who isn't held down long at all by anything. My mother is the exact same way. Some would say that it's the reason I cleave to Shanee so strongly. They are very similar. Just the way they talk, the way they laugh, their positive energy, they get stressed out but they don't let it get them truly down and out, they're quick to laugh and smile, they have a playful spirit (Shanee's will return at the end of the week when midterns and projects are done)...and these qualities just set me at ease. I'm thankful to have women like them in my corner, pressed nerves and all.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I was officially through with facebook. So, I deactivated my account. Now I'm regretting it because there are some people that I would love to be in contact with and facebook was our only means. I'm thinking of getting back on there just long enough to get some email addresses and phone numbers, then being gone again. We'll see.

In other news, I drank too much green beer last night. Fell into that deep, dreamless sleep that only alcohol can drive a person into. I had a good time at the bars though. Love watchin people do the stanky leg. Good times are welcome these days.



E. said...

I was smiling when I read this for a couple of reasons: 1) cuz I got a shout-out yay! and 2) and more importantly; you seem good....really good. Like you're okay. Like you're dealing well with your well as you can anyway. It's always going to be hard I imagine. I'm glad you made a friend you can talk to about the pain of losing a parent because as much as others may want to help, there's nothing like talking with someone who knows EXACTLY how you feel.
I guess you and shanee made a good decision to step back a bit. I hope that works out for y'all. I still can't believe there was no sexin' being done and that you came back home horny! that sucks. but hey, "what-ev" right? I know exactly what you mean about the age difference. Babe and I are 3 years apart and there are times when I just shake my head and say, "you'll understand this when you're 25" . Don't get me wrong she's extremely mature and in a better place than I am right now in many ways but still..we all know that light that comes on after 25 that just makes things so much different. Shanee will get there soon and I think it'll be great between you two again.

P.S. - I miss texting you (when you should be working) too!! It was becoming part of my morning routine for you to judge me about taking so long to decide on what to have for breakfast! lol. Don't worry, you'll be one of the first to know when I'm back in the States. In fact, I'll give you a call.

Stay up!


breastswildasblkwaves said...

Wow. I've been trying to catch up on your blogs before I comment. So much about you and Shanee's relationship reminds me of me and my ex. She's also 25 and I'm 22. I don't think I'm immature, but she was definitely looking to settle down soon when my mind is no where near there.

Regarding the whole sex thing, our sex life definitely suffered when I was having questions about our relationship. The sex was great before, but it suffered when I became unsure if she was the person I wanted to be with. And as far as the whole unattractive comments Shanee made, my ex made insensitive comments all the time about people that really affected how I viewed her.

Finally, I'm sorry about your loss. I know what it's like to lose a father...twice really because I lost a grandfather who was the only other man that filled the role of a father in my life. It's great that you have a support system.