Tuesday, March 24, 2009

ooo i can't believe it...she don't want me, want me

Shanee and I are "chillin."

She needs space. She needs to focus on herself. She needs to "do her."

My ride-or-die ain't ridin for me anymore.

I proposed last week that we give each other a little breathing room just because the situation had grown tense. But within two days, I could see that it was a huge mistake and I immediately wanted to reneg. I was miserable and didn't want to be "2/3 of a step back" anymore. Unfortunately for me, she flourished. She liked it. She enjoyed her little breathing room. And opted to keep it that way.

I have done some shitty things to her throughout the course of our relationship and she's always been right there, by my side, never leaving, never wavering. My babygirl. But now...now that I'm damn near depressed, now that I'm sad beyond belief, now that I need emotional support, now that I need her to have my back more than ever....she needs to work on herself. I'm needy right now. I'm going through the hardest thing I've ever faced in my entire life. Exxcccuuuuuse me for being selfish. Apparently, I'm just too much to handle right now. She can't be available when I need her and she said she can't be the girlfriend that I need her to be right now. So, she wants to take this time to just do her own thing so that she'll be better for me in the future. I told her we don't have a future...if she can turn her back on me with what I'm going through, why would I want to be with her later? If she can't handle me at my worst, then she doesn't deserve me at my best.

She keeps telling me that she's still available and still there for me and she's not turning her back on me and she's not putting any distance between us. She even told me that I was her best friend. That's new. I didn't even ask about it, I just reminded her that if she was my best friend, she wouldn't dream of turnin from me at a time like this. A best friend would put their own needs last and be the support that I need right now. There wasn't any response to that.

I'm just so blown. Talk about adding insult to injury. I don't think anyone has ever kicked me while I'm down before. It feels pretty terrible.

......

4 comments:

E. said...

hmm...I don't know E. I still think it sounds like something's going on with her. Like you said, if there was any time she should be all about you it's NOW. This is no time for "space". This is no time for her to be "focusing on herself" ...she needs to be focusing on you and your needs ...including sex dang-it!
I'm a little confused as to why she thinks this is okay. I'm just sayin' ...

RealDeal_Revolutionista said...

Wow?!

"If she can't handle me at my worst, then she doesn't deserve me at my best."

Sums it up for me right there, just like that. I remember when my dad was really close to passing, and we all knew it, I was reading or had just read TD Jakes "Before you Do" and he basically (OMG I can't believe I just referred to him but even a broken clock is right twice a day) said the person you want to spend forever with is the person that sees you through the trials and tribulations this life will take you through, including being laid off, giving birth, and yes, putting your parents to rest. I understand she might be going through something, but I'm sure it can't be equivalent to the loss of a parent. Even if she did feel like that - needing space - I would wait on making a declaration like that. I just don't know.

breastswildasblkwaves said...

That struck me too. So very true.

Her timing seems terrible. I'm still catching up on your blog posts, but honestly if something was bothering her and she was unsure about being in a relationship for whatever reason, that would've affected her capacity to be there for you emotionally in your time of need. Maybe she should've at least tried for it not to have an effect, but then she would've been deceiving you. So I really don't know...

Sorry that you're going through all this. Times of adversity really bring to light who is a loyal friend. I hope she stayed true to what she said about not turning her back on you.

Alix said...

It is really bad timing. Maybe this has been building up for awhile and she hasn't been able to express this to you. While I know it's easy to get caught up in what you're going through, she's gotta feel like shit for not being able to give you the support you need.