Monday, March 16, 2009

Sexless in Philadelphia

My plane touched down in Philadelphia on Thursday evening. It's Monday. And no sex has been had.

I'm mad.

All of my attempts and advances have been thwarted. I have never in my life felt so rejected, unwanted, unloved, and unattractive. It's making me feel really insecure. I've asked about it and talked to her about it several times since Friday. She maintains that she's just got a lot on her mind. She's stressed over midterms, projects, and the fact that she doesn't have a plan for after graduation. Just said sex is not on her list of priorities right now. I'm deeply disturbed by this. I asked her about 6 times if there's somebody else that she's having sex with and she just doesn't have the heart to tell me right now because my dad just died. She swore that wasn't it. I asked if I'm not attractive to her anymore. Obviously my presence doesn't turn her on. She said I'm still sexy. I asked if my obvious attempts to be affectionate didn't feel good or even slightly put her in the mood to be sexual...she said it feels good, but doesn't wanna take it there. We went over it like 5 times and I still just don't understand why she's so opposed to having sex.

Maybe it wasn't right and maybe it wasn't fair, but I reminded her that burying my father just a couple days ago was wayyy more stressful than midterms and the regular senior year shit that everybody in college goes through. I know that everyone deals with stress me, sex is a welcome break from whatever is boggling my mind. To her, it's just not. She can't get turned on when other things in life get heavy. How unfortunate. But why can't she just set aside her problems for like an hour or two and focus on my needs???

I'm just deeply disappointed. We've been together, on and off, for like 2 years and we haven't seen each other in 2 one can blame me for wanting some sex. She was all like "I don't understand why we can't just enjoy each other's company and have a good time. I'm having a good time just talking to you, being around you, and having fun." I felt the same way....but wanted that to include sex. She didn't understand what the big deal was and didn't think that sex was anything to fight about. Sex is important to me. I enjoy it a lot. I am not in this relationship strictly for the sex, obviously, since we live 600 miles away from one another. I love her for the person she is, but when I see her, I expect some sex. We've been together all this time, but she suddenly now wants to withhold sex. She assured me that I didn't do anything, as I already knew I hadn't. But I'm still very uncomfortable with the situation. She has said the same thing over and over...that she's stressed and has big things on her mind. She even said that she doesn't understand how I even want to have sex. She can't understand how I buried my father a few days ago, but still am concerned about sex. I don't see how I couldn't be thinkin about sex...what a perfect way to take my mind off things and just enjoy some good feelings. I told her that. And still nothing. I'm feeling like my needs don't matter. It hurts. This may sound immature or selfish, but I don't see how she can't forget about her midterm for a couple hours to tend to me and what I need, since she's claiming to be so sensitive to my loss. I often feel like she already has it made up in her mind how I'm going to feel about something and she doesn't pay attention or truly search for how I really feel about things. She just assumed that sex wouldn't be on my mind because of what else I've been going through. She never once asked me how I really felt or how I wanted to spend the time.

I understand that every person has the right to decide when they will or will not have sex. They shouldn't be pressured into it or punished because of their choice. But I am unfulfilled and dissatisfied. Stress or not, we have to take advantage of the little bit of time we have and make the most of it...and I would like that to include sex. Like I told her, for what we've been doing since I got here, which is eat, watch TV, and sleep, I didn't need to come visit, we could have did that over the phone. While I'm here, we need to do the things that we can't do over the phone, like fuck.

I asked her did she want me to begin seeing other people when I got home. I'm that upset about this. She was just like "if that's what you think you want to that what you want?" I told her that I want to have sex. Preferably, I want to have sex with her. But when I see her for the first time after two months and she won't touch me, it honestly pisses me off. Makes me want to see other people. I hate that our relationship is long distance, but now it's sexless too? No thanks. I'm not some freak that can't control my urges. I can. But sex is still a big enough of a deal to me to be deeply upset by this. She said she acted nonchalant about it because it upset her that I would even ask that. She knows me pretty well and she knows how I am though. She knows what my sexual appetite is like. What part of her thought that I was going to be okay with not having sex this weekend?

She's always quick to say that almost all of our problems wouldn't exist if we lived in the same city. And she's right, they wouldn't. If we could see each other 4 or 5 times a week, one weekend without sex wouldn't cause me any grief. But she's failing to see that because we're a long distance couple, this one weekend is extremely important. There's no room for just not feeling like having sex.

I'm confused. I don't know what to do. Like I said, I just feel really rejected. Like she doesn't want me. Like I'm not sexy anymore. Like she doesn't care enough to make sure I'm satisfied. Do I just swallow my rejection and disappointment and frustration and carry on as if this is okay? Or am I really supposed to be understanding and accepting and again, just carry on as if I'm okay with it? Because I'm obviously not okay with it. But what kind of heathen does that make me to break up with someone because they didn't wanna have sex one weekend? It's probably a pretty dickheadish thing to do. And I won't break up with her over it. But I'm angry. And looks like I will return home tonight incredibly frustrated.



E. said...

Dang E. you were supposed to go to Philly to get away from the stress and sadness of your father's death and just be completely happy with your girl. You shouldnt have to be worrying about anything else. I'm sorry your trip has been less than satisfactory.I honestly don't know what to say about where your girl's head is at the moment. Even with everything on her plate right now, I'm sorry but she should be thinking about you not any of that.
I'm just surprised that even with talking and arguing about it she still hasn't just given it up.She must see how much it's bothering you and like you said, you dont have a lot of time together so there's no time for arguing. Heck, maybe you are being selfish but I think you have a right to be selfish right now...I mean, if not now after what you've been through then when?
I sincerely hope she'll send you home with something tonight. If not then, I'm worried there may be something else amiss. We all know that when the sex goes..there's usually a major issue behind it. Been there.Done that in a previous relationship.. and when the sex left, the relationship was o-v-e-r. I hope that's not the case with you guys. Either way, it sounds like even more serious talking needs to be had when you get back home.

Anonymous said...

I'm torn because I can see both sides of this situation.

I cannot get turned on if I have something on my mind. No matter how hard I may try for the other person, I stay as dry as the Sahara. My mind has gotta be free to take my body there...

But there is a part of me that thinks that if she is that stressed out, maybe she should've told you before you got there. After 2 years, she has to know that you would want some ass upon arrival.

Is it the sex you miss or the intimacy?

Simone said...

I'm kind of with Alix on this one. I know for me personally, if I'm not completely free, I can't get busy on command. Also, I think, unfortunately, stressing about it only makes the situation worse.

That said, you do have a right to expect your girlfriend to cater to you at the moment, you've been through hell - but I don't think guilting her into sex is something you want to do.

You mentioned her being a senior - which makes me think she could probably be a little bit young (I consider 21 young) and not completely mature in the realm of priorities. I remember when I was 21, I did think the world revolved around me and my school issues.

I wouldn't break up with her over it, but I would wait until you're not so frustrated and pissed to figure out what the deal is. It doesn't sound like it's something that happens often, so you can probably work it out.

E said...

So..I'm dying to know what happened. Did you finally get some before you left or what?