My plane touched down in Philadelphia on Thursday evening. It's Monday. And no sex has been had.
All of my attempts and advances have been thwarted. I have never in my life felt so rejected, unwanted, unloved, and unattractive. It's making me feel really insecure. I've asked about it and talked to her about it several times since Friday. She maintains that she's just got a lot on her mind. She's stressed over midterms, projects, and the fact that she doesn't have a plan for after graduation. Just said sex is not on her list of priorities right now. I'm deeply disturbed by this. I asked her about 6 times if there's somebody else that she's having sex with and she just doesn't have the heart to tell me right now because my dad just died. She swore that wasn't it. I asked if I'm not attractive to her anymore. Obviously my presence doesn't turn her on. She said I'm still sexy. I asked if my obvious attempts to be affectionate didn't feel good or even slightly put her in the mood to be sexual...she said it feels good, but doesn't wanna take it there. We went over it like 5 times and I still just don't understand why she's so opposed to having sex.
Maybe it wasn't right and maybe it wasn't fair, but I reminded her that burying my father just a couple days ago was wayyy more stressful than midterms and the regular senior year shit that everybody in college goes through. I know that everyone deals with stress differently....to me, sex is a welcome break from whatever is boggling my mind. To her, it's just not. She can't get turned on when other things in life get heavy. How unfortunate. But why can't she just set aside her problems for like an hour or two and focus on my needs???
I'm just deeply disappointed. We've been together, on and off, for like 2 years and we haven't seen each other in 2 months....no one can blame me for wanting some sex. She was all like "I don't understand why we can't just enjoy each other's company and have a good time. I'm having a good time just talking to you, being around you, and having fun." I felt the same way....but wanted that to include sex. She didn't understand what the big deal was and didn't think that sex was anything to fight about. Sex is important to me. I enjoy it a lot. I am not in this relationship strictly for the sex, obviously, since we live 600 miles away from one another. I love her for the person she is, but when I see her, I expect some sex. We've been together all this time, but she suddenly now wants to withhold sex. She assured me that I didn't do anything, as I already knew I hadn't. But I'm still very uncomfortable with the situation. She has said the same thing over and over...that she's stressed and has big things on her mind. She even said that she doesn't understand how I even want to have sex. She can't understand how I buried my father a few days ago, but still am concerned about sex. I don't see how I couldn't be thinkin about sex...what a perfect way to take my mind off things and just enjoy some good feelings. I told her that. And still nothing. I'm feeling like my needs don't matter. It hurts. This may sound immature or selfish, but I don't see how she can't forget about her midterm for a couple hours to tend to me and what I need, since she's claiming to be so sensitive to my loss. I often feel like she already has it made up in her mind how I'm going to feel about something and she doesn't pay attention or truly search for how I really feel about things. She just assumed that sex wouldn't be on my mind because of what else I've been going through. She never once asked me how I really felt or how I wanted to spend the time.
I understand that every person has the right to decide when they will or will not have sex. They shouldn't be pressured into it or punished because of their choice. But I am unfulfilled and dissatisfied. Stress or not, we have to take advantage of the little bit of time we have and make the most of it...and I would like that to include sex. Like I told her, for what we've been doing since I got here, which is eat, watch TV, and sleep, I didn't need to come visit, we could have did that over the phone. While I'm here, we need to do the things that we can't do over the phone, like fuck.
I asked her did she want me to begin seeing other people when I got home. I'm that upset about this. She was just like "if that's what you think you want to do...is that what you want?" I told her that I want to have sex. Preferably, I want to have sex with her. But when I see her for the first time after two months and she won't touch me, it honestly pisses me off. Makes me want to see other people. I hate that our relationship is long distance, but now it's sexless too? No thanks. I'm not some freak that can't control my urges. I can. But sex is still a big enough of a deal to me to be deeply upset by this. She said she acted nonchalant about it because it upset her that I would even ask that. She knows me pretty well and she knows how I am though. She knows what my sexual appetite is like. What part of her thought that I was going to be okay with not having sex this weekend?
She's always quick to say that almost all of our problems wouldn't exist if we lived in the same city. And she's right, they wouldn't. If we could see each other 4 or 5 times a week, one weekend without sex wouldn't cause me any grief. But she's failing to see that because we're a long distance couple, this one weekend is extremely important. There's no room for just not feeling like having sex.
I'm confused. I don't know what to do. Like I said, I just feel really rejected. Like she doesn't want me. Like I'm not sexy anymore. Like she doesn't care enough to make sure I'm satisfied. Do I just swallow my rejection and disappointment and frustration and carry on as if this is okay? Or am I really supposed to be understanding and accepting and again, just carry on as if I'm okay with it? Because I'm obviously not okay with it. But what kind of heathen does that make me to break up with someone because they didn't wanna have sex one weekend? It's probably a pretty dickheadish thing to do. And I won't break up with her over it. But I'm angry. And looks like I will return home tonight incredibly frustrated.
- ▼ March (10)