I think the next several Thursdays are going to be extremely tough. Each Thursday ticks off another week in which I haven't seen my father alive or had an earthly conversation. I cried today specifically for that reason. It's really hard. I'm kind of mad at the world because it seems that people give their condolences and whatnot, then it's back to business as usual. It's like I want to throw my hands in the air and yell that it's not okay. Everybody needs to stop. I'm still hurting. Life can't just carry on like regular. I'm going through the motions, pressing on, have my chin up, and I'm maintaining. But moments today where it just hit me that my life will never be the same and it hurts with a pain so deep that it's indescribable. Shanee said some really nice things earlier about how she knows that my dad is watching over me and he's proud of who I am and it made the tears fall pretty easily. I only hope that it's the truth. The day of his surgery, my mother had arrived at the hospital about 40 minutes ahead of me and he asked where I was and my mom told him that I'd elected to sleep awhile longer. My mom said that his response was, "you know, she's been so fantastic to me. I couldn't have asked for a better daughter." I'm so happy to know that those were his last sentiments about me. I know that at the time of his death, he was very proud of me. I just hope that as the rest of my life unfolds, I don't do anything to change that. I just miss him so much. I hate that I live one block away from the hospital...I have to drive past there every single day and my stomach knots up each time. I know it will get easier, but it sucks for now.
Me and a group of friends went out to dinner tonight. Ran up a huge bill at Benihana. It was only mildly worth it. Then we went and had some martinis and struck up a conversation with the owners of the bar. We talked about dating and relationships and I learned a lotttt. One man said that the only way to make a relationship work for life is to lay down all your wants and desires in favor of the other person's. If both parties do that, neither party will go unsatisfied. You inevitably always meet in the middle. If you're putting all your desires on the back burner, there's no way you will let your partner put theirs on the back burner also...ergo, everyone ends up happy. The premise is so simple, but I had never heard it put in those words before and it really resonated with me. Had me feelin like I had been given the key to success in love and relationships.
Much more to write, but much too exhausted...
- ▼ March (10)