Yeah, last week, I was teetering on the border of depression. I've slipped in. Just the circumstances of things are tough.
My father is sicker than originally thought. They are implanting a pump in his chest on Thursday to do the work of his heart. When they cut him open to hook the pump up to his heart, they will do a biopsy of his lungs. They have some dark spots on them that are tiny. So small they can't test them. But when they lay his chest open to implant the pump, they will go ahead and take a biopsy of the spots. Whatever they are will determine whether he gets on the transplant list. If they are cancerous, no transplant. If they are just nodules that most people living in the midwest have, then he will get put on the list. But whether or not he gets put on the list, his heart needs help bad. We're praying that the spots are benign and that he'll get put on the list and that way the pump will just be there to hold him over.
The unthinkable happened a couple days ago. My aunt, a CNA, was at the hospital visiting with my father when he requested a bath. Her being the caregiver type offered to help the nurse do it. My cousin, other aunt, and I left the room. After about 30 minutes, my aunt went back in. There was a commotion. I stuck my head in the door...and saw my dad sitting on the edge of his bed with his nuts, the size of grapefruits, on display. I screamed and immediately began dry heaving so much that I was crying and two nurses came to my assistance to ensure that I was alright. I was mortified. When all was settled, I returned to the room, but couldn't look my dad in the face.
Anyhow, the current state of affairs is wearing on me. It is stressing my whole family out. My dad is being a real trooper about everything...positive attitude, isn't being too emotional, seems pretty brave. My mom was preparing for him to just wait on a transplant...this pump is going to require a lot of work and she wasn't prepared for all of that. She has to learn all of the equipment along with him and be ready to assist him as needed. He will not be allowed to leave the hospital until they both have passed a test on how the pump works and what to do in emergency situations and whatnot. They also have to complete a couple of furlows away from the hospital successfully. It's just a lot of work that she wasn't prepared for. Just being at the hospital with him 24/7 is exhausting...he runs her to death. His thinking is that he doesn't need to call the nurse for everything with his wife sitting right there...and her thinking is that the nurses are being paid to care for him and there's no reason why they shouldn't be called. On top of that, my mother has set up camp in my apartment. I love her, but I am used to being alone. She snores, she puts her feet on me in her sleep, she made me sleep by the wall, she accidentally reset my clock and I was too exhausted to realize it until way later, she sent my ipod crashing towards the floor after I told her not to pick up my speaker for it, and somehow, she's kind of clueless about things. She got married when she was 17, one week after her high school graduation. She has never been alone or had to do anything for herself. She went directly from her parents to my father...never had to learn independence, never had to be self-sufficient. She's not dumb by any means, but just kind of clueless about things. It shows by some of the things she says and her attitudes about things. There is one advantage though...she has taken me out to dinner each night that she's been here. It's welcome.
I don't think there are enough words to describe the disappointment I feel over the fact that I had to cancel my trip to go see Shanee. I needed to see her. Some kind of bad. I miss her so bad it hurts. With everything else going on, I need physical comfort. I need her around me. I need her arms around me at night. I need to smile naturally without having to tell myself to. But with my father in his condition, I could not hop on a plane and leave town for a week with him just being less than a week out of surgery. So, we are doing our best for her to come out here instead. It won't be for the whole week, more like 5 days, which is way better than not seeing her at all. I've got to. I need to feel her love physically. I'm not physically alone because my mother is here, but emotionally, I need my babygirl. Everything going on has been made ten times harder by the fact that I'm so lonely. Like, my heart literally hurts. I'm not exagerrating...true, physical pain is what I feel. Each time I think about not getting to see her, the pain gets a little worse and I have to fight tears. The most important thing is that I see her, but I was looking forward to actually getting away. Being in a different environment for a little while. And I had special plans to meet my friend Ty. We've been kool online and on the phone for like 3 years now, he's from upstate New York. We had plans to meet in NYC and hang out...I was looking forward to it so much. I feel like a child...just utter disappointment and sadness after being excited about something and then not getting to do it. The whole trip was going to be so much fun, getting to see Shanee, hang out in NYC and DC and Philly like always, meet Ty for the first time, meet some of Shanee's friends, just all of it. When I think about not getting to go, I just get extremely sad on the inside. I feel so childish for it, but it's the truth.
I've been dealing with some other feeings too that have gone unsaid thus far. I am jealous of my girlfriend. I'm not really sure if jealous is the word, but I'm sure it's pretty close. It's so easy for her to just have a positive attitude...I have to work a little harder to be optimistic. When she found out that I wasn't coming, she was upset, but she seemingly just put her chin back up and pressed on. It's just not in her nature to dwell on the negative things. I have to remind myself to look on the bright side and be positive about things. The past couple days, I've had to really talk myself into smiling. She's just got a positive spirit. Nothing really gets her down. She may be upset for a day over the major things I've seen happen in her life, but she's fine after that. I wanna be like that. In the whole two years I've known her, the lowest I've ever seen her be...I have myself to blame for it. I hate that. I'm jealous that her mom just booked a trip to Jamaica for herself, Shanee, her sister, and her grandmother. I'm jealous that she's about to graduate and I won't get to partake in any of the festivities. It's an exciting time in her life and I'm not going to have any part in it. Makes me sad. I feel kind of guilty because I'm the only negative thing in her life, at least to my knowledge. Everything else is bright and on the up and up. Her intramural basketball team is doing well in their playoffs, her school assignments are going well, she's loving working on her school's radio station, she doesn't complain about her job too much anymore, she's got a good group of friends, she's about to graduate, she's going to Jamaica...but she's got one sad-ass, stressed out girlfriend. Who's pretty verbal about it. Lucky for her, she's so busy and her schedule is so jam-packed each and every day that she probably doesn't think much about it. And I have a feeling that with the current situation, if something were wrong or she had something that she needed to talk about, she probably wouldn't even tell me because she wouldn't want to burden me further.
On top of everything else, I am thoroughly exhausted. Just worn the hell out. We had inventory at my job on Sunday night and I worked like 20 hours and I'm still not caught up or back on track with my sleep.
One ounce of good news: I didn't get an angry/stupid text from the girl in my last post. Haven't heard from her at all. Definitely good news.
- ▼ March (10)