I bought my first car yesterday. It's actually the 4th car that I've had in my possession. But this is the first car that I got in my own name and I'll be paying the note myself. There's a definite feeling of satisfaction that comes with that. It's a 2001 Chevy Prizm. It's tiny. Like, uncomfortably tiny. I probably look ridiculous in it. I feel ridiculous in it. Like I'm playing in a child's toy. But it's excellent on gas mileage, I can afford it, and I did notice a benefit today of its small size...I can park it anywhere! It runs really good, the engine is really clean, it's a pretty smooth ride for a 7 year old car, I've probably got another 2 years before the tires wear out, and it has a CD player. Even though I'm not in love with the car, I feel like I made a good decision. Both of my parents told me that if I wasn't happy, they would help with payments on a bigger, better car. But I wanted to make the payments on my own without their help. I'm 25 now, they technically shouldn't still be buying me anything. Plus, I could have picked out a bigger car, but paid more in gas.
I had to let go of Shanee completely. I declared that we don't text or anything, no contact. It's what's best for me. Texting and still being in contact with her was just a constant reminder of things not being right between us. I feel like that was a good decision to make, but I'm more proud of myself for how I'm handling things now that I've done it. The last time we broke up, I acted wiiiild. I'm not doing that this time. I'm not out drowning my sorrows in beer and having as much as sex as possible. It doesn't even sound appealing to me. I'm just watching shows online and reading and listening to music. I feel like I'm being responsible. No reason to be wreckless with other people's feelings just because my relationship didn't work out. It got messy the last time, I brought out the worst in a few people and I'd like to avoid that in the future. So, I'll just be enjoying my own company. No rebounding. No messing around just because I can. No engaging people in late-night conversation just to ease my own loneliness. If I can't affirm for myself that I'm a good catch and anybody would be lucky to have me, then nobody can. Finally, at 25 years old, I can see that and see that to search for that is crazy. I didn't know that at 24! I felt that I was somehow feeling better by entertaining other women. It was just something to do. I can see now that there's nothing to gain from that behavior. I realize that I'm content to be alone, chill to myself, and relax. I used to fear the pain that would come from being lonely, or allowing myself to be bored and let my mind wander to Shanee and how things went wrong. That's why I kept myself thoroughly entertained and in the company of someone who wanted me...didn't even let myself get down about it. I guess I've learned to cope...I'm here alone and chillin and if my mind wanders to her and I get sad for a minute, then I'm sad for a minute and I'll be kool again in a few minutes. That Leona Lewis "better in time" song means a lot to me right now.
Chann walked out today at work. My manager asked him to clean the floor with a toothbrush and he wasn't havin it, so he rolled out. As prison-like as that sounds right off top, he just wanted him to do down in the corners and in the nooks and crannies, places a broom and mop can't get. The specific corners that he was asked to clean, they weren't even really anything that could be wiped out with a towel or anything really...it was black dirt that had adhered to the floor and wall. Maybe a scotch-brite or a brillo pad would have been more acceptable. Or maybe a small brush that was actually meant to scrub dirt. There is something about cleaning with a toothbrush that just makes people feel belittled and disrespected. I personally use old toothbrushes to clean and feel that they're pretty effective tools for cleaning small parts and areas, like corners. True, I've never been asked at work to get on my hands and knees and scrub corners with a toothbrush, so I might be heated about it too. But him walking out has left me with another hole in my schedule. More 10-hour days are in my near future, starting tomorrow. On top of that, the older woman isn't working out. She tried to be slick and went and changed her availability last week so it's causing scheduling problems, plus she's just not learning. She's making major mistakes and is extremely forgetful. I'm really glad I didn't go into teaching because I wouldn't be able to keep a job...I get pissed when I have to tell the same person the same thing 3 and 4 times. Just no patience for that. My general way of training is I'll tell you once, I'll show you once, and I'll answer any remaining questions....but after that, I kind of expect them to get it. Most people get it like that...I don't have to walk them through anything step by step any more than twice, tops. But this woman just isn't catching on. She's ruining customer orders, jamming the equipment, giving out the wrong information, getting on everybody's last nerve, and just generally fucking things up. Looks like I'll have two positions open again within the next week or so. Blah.
- ► 2009 (85)