Tuesday, September 9, 2008

So Emotional...

I miss Shanee. No denying it. I miss her being here and I miss her voice on the telephone. I called her the other night and we talked for like 7 minutes. It was somewhat awkward. I'm not really sure why, but it just seemed strange. I think it's best that I've put this distance between us because I just don't trust her. My faith and trust in her is just 100% obliterated and it makes me crazy. Like, super paranoid. Things seemed strange on the phone, to the point that I asked her twice if she was alone. That's bad. Then, tonight, another instance of me being made crazy by this...she told me goodnight by text message at like 12:55 and had actually put her away message up on AIM to go to bed at like 12:30. But at 1:25, she'd only been idle for like 10 minutes. It's not that I'm trying to clock her, but sometimes these funny feelings just wash over me and I can't help but notice that things just don't add up. Of course about 10 different thoughts flew through my mind, none of which make me seem sane. Maybe I'm the one with the problem...paranoid, insecure, stalkerish. In my defense though, I did not get like this until she proved to me that I need to keep my good eye on her. I'm finally seeing that it's not worth living like this though...disturbia is not fun. This isn't the kind of life I want and I definitely deserve better than this. Us not talking doesn't seem to really have eased my mind much. I told her that we could still be kool, but I might have to reneg on that. It still just really hurts, everything that's gone on. I did some things wrong too, so I can't just act like I'm the victim. I just honestly feel that I haven't created any situations that we're still feeling the effects of or situations that are never-ending. I've never been so confused and conflicted in my life. It's just a tough situation. I feel like it's a step in the right direction to have cut it off. Completely letting go is the issue...it's the part that I haven't ever been able to do. With us still texting all day, being friends, and sharing all the small details of life, it's hard to view her as anyone other than my girlfriend, especially since that's what she's been pretty much the whole time I've known her. I don't know how to just be friends with her. When I think about everything that's gone on and all the shit that has taken place, I kind of wonder if I even want her friendship because she's done some things and acted in plenty of ways that are not acceptable as even a friend. It makes me wonder if my self-esteem is low or if I don't value myself enough...why can't I just let it go and move on? Why do I keep setting myself up for disappointment? That's pretty much all I've gotten out of the situation since January...repeating disappointment, typically over the same things. It's just exhausting but somehow or another, I apparently don't mind it because I keep on taking it.

My mom found a possible car for me today. Hopefully I'll get approved for it...we'll see tomorrow. That whole situation and what it's about to do to my finances is stressful.

I'm going to be an auntie!! I am soo thrilled! My brother and his girlfriend definitely have some tough times ahead of them, but babies are a joy. My mom is a lil sad for him...he's about to struggle financially and has to rearrange his whole life...no more camping and canoeing and other recreational trips on a whim like he's used to doing now. He can't just decide on Wednesday to spend the weekend at the lake anymore...he's gotta plan that shit in advance now. My dad doesn't know yet, we'll see how he feels after he finds out tomorrow. I think that he'll be upset at first. But I know that once they actually lay eyes on the baby, they'll be absolutely thrilled. Plus, my brother is excellent with children...all the kids he's coached and all the summers he's spent as a camp counselor, my mother and I were remarking that he'll be a great father. Most importantly, my brother and his girlfriend are ecstatic about the news!

1 comment:

E. said...

Aww..congrats! Being an aunt is the best!! Trust me though, when you start buying the gifts, you can't stop! About the other stuff, I feel you. It's hard to 'let go' while the feelings are still so strong; and if, like you said, something went down that made you nervous or distrustful in the past, it makes it even harder.You just have to keep being strong and as cliche as it sounds, in time it'll get easier. You need a distraction device - a book, a challenging game on your cell phone or crossword puzzle,music (no love songs though), something that you can do everytime you start thinking about her too much. Promise yourself that in those moments when you start to obsess over AIM sign-out times and stuff like that you'll pull it out and take your mind off of her.It works.