Today has not been kool so far. I am still thoroughly confused about Shanee and my feelings for her and what I'm supposed to do next. I miss her a ton, but at the same time, I'm still full of anger, hurt, and resentment towards her. How do I miss somebody who's caused me so much pain?
It's crazy to me how random thoughts will just pop into my head and I will remember exactly how I felt at certain times in certain situations. I'm having a really hard time remembering the positive things today. All I can think about are the times during her last visit, over my birthday, where we would be in silence and me attempting to make conversation. She would be staring off into space, blank-faced. It happened maybe three or four times and each time made me extremely uncomfortable. I would ask what was on her mind, each time met with "nothing." Well, it's got to be something, otherwise she would have made more of an effort to keep conversation going when I made it perfectly clear that I was trying to talk. Whatever it was, her mind was a million miles away from the present situation. I've already accepted that when in front of my family and friends, she's going to fall into silence. That's just her. I don't love it, but what can I do about it? When I asked her about it, she even said it, "yeah, I won't say anything." I've brought her around most of my friends, separately and in groups, and it's the same result. She'll respond if spoken to, but that's it. She doesn't have a lot of friends, so on some levels, it doesn't surprise me. But she's got enough people in her life, aside from family, that love her and enjoy her presence in their life...so I know she can't act like that all the time in front of everybody. I don't know whether I should take it personally that she shuts down in front of my friends and family, and then suddenly has a personality again when we're back alone. I don't wanna say that it's embarrassing, but it's kind of embarrassing. I know that she isn't obligated to entertain the other people in my life, but it definitely makes me feel awkward. I've come to terms with the fact that that's how she conducts herself in group situations, at least with myself and my friends present...I don't know how she is when she's with other people. But what I really felt uncomfortable about was the moments in which it was just her and I and it was very plain to see that she wasn't interested in conversation. She didn't seem interested in very much at all while she was here, but some moments, she did a poor job of hiding it.
I feel crazy for randomly remembering that out of the blue today, and actually being upset by it. It is what it is, I guess. I took steps to try and take care of these problems, which is why we're broken up. But what am I supposed to do about these random surges of emotion that come out of nowhere? Am I supposed to call her up and curse her out just because I'm upset? Am I supposed to just swallow my feelings and try and forget about it? Do I complain to friends who are probably sick of the problems between her and I because they've been endless since 2008 started??
It just baffles me that somebody who was so perfect in the beginning could prove to be detrimental to my emotional well-being. I'm sure she feels the same way, I've made my mistakes too. It just kills me. And why have I been okay up until now...and then today, just fall flat on my face?? I know that these types of things are up and down, but I want to feel okay again in a hurry.
- ► 2009 (85)