I don't even remember how it started, but I ended up talking to Shanee on AIM yesterday. And then later in the evening, I accidentally rolled over on top of my phone...and seeing as to how she's still the first person in my Fave 5 for T-Mobile, my phone accidentally called her up. She knew that it was an accident, but didn't seem to be against it...so we talked. It was niiiice. Nice to hear her voice, nice to be in contact with her, nice to know that she still loves me and cares for me even though I just dip out the minute things get too tense. We fell asleep on the phone just like old times.
In my heart, I love her so much and want nothing more than to be with her. In my head though, I think about everything that's wrong with our situation and can't let go of things that happened months ago. That's why we argued today...a huge surge of anger over things that happened a long time ago. It's like I can't handle a dose of good conversation because I'll instantly remember the fucked up things. She doesn't do me like that. If the roles were reversed, we wouldn't have made it past December for the shit that I did. I made a friend, knowing that the chick wanted more than a friendship. I began to talk to her all the time and spend time at her house. One night, I lied about my whereabouts and ended up gettin drunk and falling asleep at her house. Shanee didn't talk to me for about 5 hours, but she accepted my apology, believed me when I told her that nothing happened, and forgave me. Never once has she mentioned it again or used it as personal leverage in an argument. I will admit that I don't fight fair. I can't argue a current situation without pulling out some sort of reference from the past. I get so upset and so jealous about situations that still don't hold a candle to what I did in July, when I met somebody else and told Shanee that I found somebody else and wanted to see what it could be like. She never left my side, forgave me, and doesn't hold it against me. I sometimes wonder why she doesn't. But I can only be thankful that she doesn't. So why do I do that to her?? I feel like we've each done our share to tear our relationship apart and mess up the trust between us and we've still made it awfully far for having 600 miles between us. In my eyes, that stands for something. And the way I feel inside when I think about her or when I talked to her is undeniable. I love that girl.
I was just telling a friend yesterday that even though things have gone wrong between her and another person, if she genuinely feels deep down that she cares and wants to give it another shot, then that's what she should do. I told her that as a friend, I'm tired of watching her be hurt and upset and stressed out...but at the end of the day, she can't deny her own feelings. Until the light goes out on the inside and all hope is lost, she's always going to wonder what could have happened. Is she going to let the greatest love of her life pass her by because of some hurtful things that happened awhile back? It's really easy for me to tell other people that, but when it comes to my own heart and my own feelings, I'm so guarded. I need to take my own advice.
Yesterday over IM, Shanee accused me of being smooth, like how I used to be when I first met her. I don't really think that what I said was all that smooth, but she thought it was. I told her that when we get ready to actually be together again, I'm going to have to romance her and make her excited about being with me again, since I'm the one that keeps leaving. She told me that the idea is nice, but unnecessary because I've already got her. I don't need to break out the mack skills and try to woo her. It was good to know that she still thinks I'm smooth though, ha.
I feel like I should just go on ahead now and give up on the fairy tale ideal of love and relationships that I have in my head. Nobody is perfect and neither is any relationship. There's always going to be some situation that just drives me crazy, as I'm sure there is in all relationships.
So even though I'm still not ready to begin steady communication with her yet as we both are working on ourselves and healing from everything else that 2008 has had in store for us, I feel good about it now. I'm not sure when it will happen, but we'll be together again some day.
- ► 2009 (85)