Friend admitted last week that when we met last year, she automatically had it made up in her mind that I was a player. Not because I have so much game or my swag is just ridiculous...she just looked at me and decided. Based on my appearance, she assumed I must keep a bunch of females. She said she realized after being around me for awhile that I'm not a stud (she thinks all studs are players). I asked what brought her to that realization and she said "because you said you weren't." I rolled my eyes hard at that lol. After some prompting and digging, she listed off my characteristics that aren't typically attributed to a stud and we got on the same page about who and what I am. Apparently it took quite a few conversations for her to realize that I'm soft. Anyhow, I've explained to her that there's Single Erika and there's Relationship Erika. Relationship Erika plays no games. Single Erika seems to kind of love games.
She told me on Sunday that I'd been a player this past weekend. Truth be told, I did surround myself with various women all weekend. I woke up with one chick Sunday morning, then took another one to lunch, then went for drinks with a third. I don't consider this playing. I'm single and I'm just dating. Playing would be if I was in a relationship with one of these ladies and I'm definitely not. So, no harm no foul. However, I feel like each of them turned it up a notch (in small ways) this weekend. Lady Uno (the one who I got adventurous with on Saturday night lol) invited me on a trip this summer. Lady Dos would not let me know where she lived when we first met because she's dealt with stalkers in the past...but on Sunday, she gave me the green light to kick it at her crib whenever I wanted. Lady Tres (she talks way too damn much) now wants me to be cupcakin' on the phone all night, which is a no-no. And on top of that, she's just ignorant as hell...she wanted to discuss my racial background, so I told her. She laughed and said "so you really don't even have a race!" I was silent. wtf.
I don't know if Shanee reads this blog anymore or not. I have a feeling that she doesn't. But a small part of me is waiting on her to read it one day and then go the hell off.
It's no secret that I'm really diggin' my Friend. She's just all-around great. I can't really identify at what point my feelings really went through a growth spurt, but she definitely has my attention in a way that it hasn't been caught in a good lil minute. Of course, the timing is absolutely horrible and it makes it uncomfortable to be so wide open. She expressed to me last week that she would like it if she got to hear my voice every now and then...I'm a texter and honestly tried to just get a data plan when I bought that Blackberry awhile back. No need to call anyone or have anyone call me lol. I just don't really get into the phone really. Anyhow, ever since that conversation, I've been clockin a lot of hours on the telephone. And I'm not even opposed to it. I've actually enjoyed it quite a bit. However, I'm not so far in yet that I've just thrown all precaution to the wind. I realize that I'm really setting myself up for some serious disappointment and hurt feelings. That boyfriend situation is really complicating things. There's such a force...I feel her drawing nearer to me and simulataneously keeping me at arm's length. I'm just gonna go with it...see what happens. Keep on datin the other women and being whatever Friend wants me to be.
My mother has hassled me about going to grad school so much lately that it's disgusting. I don't even want to hear about education. There still is not a single progressive thought in my brain. If it ain't about women or having a good time, I'm not interested. I'm not thinking about the future, a career, getting a better job, or advancing my education. The thought of all of that just makes me nauseous. I was reading some really old journal entries from my paper files today and ran across one that made me smile. It remined me that I didn't used to be like this. I did used to look at situations and the world around me and feel something. I didn't always have such a superficial existence. Here it is..it's from 2006.
Seven white people are leaving Starbucks, one black man is approaching the entrance. He holds the door for the first six people and the last white man ushers him in and says "after you sir, you've been patient long enough."
I can't wait until I get back into a state of mind where I'm actually thinking again. I'm surprised that girls even like me these days...I'm so blank. So surface. I'm offering nothing. I swear I can actually hear myself going "doo doo dooo dooodoood doo dooo" in my mind. Like elevator music. There's nothing. I wish I could be a fly on the wall while I go on these dates. I'd like to see just how blank my face is. It's amazing what grief and life-changing situations can do to a person.
- ▼ April (10)