I'm happy to report that I actually kind of like my eyebrows now.
I went to the doctor's office this morning to have my blood drawn. My doctor wants to rule out diabetes as the reason for why I'm having sensation errors and why my vision gets stupid when I work out. (My mother suggested that I just stop working out - I couldn't believe the words even left her lips.) He said that my blood sugar may dip extremely low when I work out and that could be why my vision gets dumb. I got out of bed and rolled to the doctor's office...didn't drink any water or anything. And my veins were nowhere to be found. Three nurses were in there slapping my arms and doing everything they could think of to make it easy. In the end, they had to just insert a needle and kind of dig around. I wanted to cry. I kept it together, but I've got a nice blue and purple bruise from it. Not impressive.
My mother has began going through my father's things. And it turns out that he was quite the journal-keeper. Turns out that we are more alike than what I previously thought. I blog, but there are things written with pen and paper that will never make it to the internet. Anyhow, she is reading them. And she's not very happy about what she's discovering. My parents were divorced for 5 years and when they got back married, my mother asked him how many girlfriends he'd had. He told her zero and said he hadn't had sex with anyone else. Big fat lie. She's reading in his journals that he was having the best sex of his life in 2007. She was insulted by that. And it hurt her a lot, that even at 55 years old, their 2nd time around at the marriage thing, he still could look her in the eye and just blatantly lie. She married him initially when he was 21, and she wasn't impressed with his lapses in honesty then. I guess, like most women, she figured that he would grow and change. But no. I know it's not respectful or probably even appropriate to discuss the character flaws of the deceased, but it is what it is. My mom said she's happy to learn that he wasn't completely alone during their divorced years, but I don't think she was expecting to discover everything that she's found. I suggested that she stop reading. It's not making her happy. Plus, those were his private thoughts.
I had a small, yet very good, conversation with Shanee about this. My father and I are strikingly similar, in both looks and personality. I have been knowing for a long time that we're similar and so I try my damndest not to exhibit his negative qualities, like story-telling. I abhor lying because I saw first-hand what it does to a relationship. I try really hard not to be like him in the negative ways...and like I told Shanee, in trying so hard not to be bad in his ways, it has made me horrible in other ways. At times, I'm hypocritical, I'm very demanding, and I can be quite nitpicky. For all of that, I'm sure some people would just prefer that I fudge the truth a little instead of some of the harsh treatment I've dealt out before. She assured me that I'm still an excellent person overall and that it's not a terrible thing to be so similar to my dad.
Speaking of Shanee, not much has changed. I've quit cursing her name under my breath every time "Heartless" by Kanye comes on the radio. I've had a few conversations with a few friends which has helped put things in perspective a little better. I don't feel anger towards her any longer and I'm really not even that sad about it anymore. (I'll talk about that in a different paragraph though!) From conversations that we've been having and just the general feel of things, I can now appreciate the fact that she loves me the best that she can, the best that she knows how, and with all that she has...the part that hurts is that it just isn't enough. We were playing around via text the other day and she said something smart and I replied with "your.self.centered.black.butt." and she was like "come over here so I can pop you!" and I had to remind her that "you no longer have popping allowances." She didn't like that too much. And yeah, I kind of take every chance I can to call her selfish in some way. Anyhow, nothing has really changed too much. We are still in constant communication from the time we wake until the time we pass out at night. We've even acquired a few additional inside jokes over the past few days. Her stress must be alleviating to a certain extent too (she got awesome scores on her midterms and projects that had her sooo stressed out) because her sexuality is re-awakening...I even got some texts today that sent a tingle through my body. I told her last night that I was asking once and for all...is there something going on or some other underlying reason for why she wouldn't have sex and then this untimely break up. Her response was something along the lines of "Erika, I know that I don't have to spare your feelings or make up excuses. I have been honest with you about my reasoning for things." So, okay. I'm not going to waste any more time thinking about it or pondering it. It is what it is.
Now on to the different paragraph. Earlier today, a friend asked me if I was still thinking about graduate school. I answered her with a big enthusiastic "NOPE!" She laughed and said that she was surprised by that. I told her that the truth of the matter is that I've slipped into this state of mind where nothing matters. I'm not thinking about anything. My general attitude is "fuck it." My mind is numb and blank. And I'm enjoying it. No thoughts of graduate school, no thoughts of a better job, no thoughts of anything but the here and now. This is probably why I'm not trippin over Shanee as bad as I was last week and have been able to come to this acceptance.
I had dinner with a close friend this evening and she told me that her pre-fiance (he's practially dying to be married) on their first meeting, put his finger in the air and said "I don't like any girls! They're all assholes and play too many games!" His feelings have obviously changed since they are about to move in together and it's only a matter of time before she's got a ring on her finger. Anyhow, I totally agree with his initial sentiment right about now. A coworker sent me a text the other day alerting me to the fact that she'd been having some dreams about me lately. I, of course, requested details. She gave them. I told her that it's time to live her dreams. (I'm fully aware of how unprofessional and inappropriate this is lol...but I've already given the disclaimer for where my mind is right now.) She denied me, saying that it wasn't a good night for me to come over. The next day at work, she approached me in the break room and whispered "It was really hard for me to say no to you last night." GAME PLAYER!! What an asshole, lol.
I think I am going to keep my yellow butt in the apartment tonight and go to bed early. This twitch in my left eye is slowly going away, but I have gotten horrible rest all week, so I'm going to let my body relax tonight and hope that the twitch will go away completely. In general, I have to get back to a healthier lifestyle. I have gained ten pounds since the funeral (I used to eat vegetabes, now it's loaded fries with everything I order), my sleep pattern is beyond fucked up, I've exercised like twice since the funeral, I drink too much, and this twitch is telling me that I need to knock it all off. My body has had it. Situations like today, on only 4 hours of sleep, I got up and went to the doctor, then the bank, then out to lunch with a friend and we were having drinks at 11am, then we went shopping, and were going to get massages, but it was a 2-hour wait. Already exhausted, adding alcohol to the equation, annnnd putting myself through the torture of the mall...my body deserves better than that. That's why I wanted the massage today. But I know it's deeper than that...I need to exercise properly again, eat right, and get adequate rest. I'm going to give myself the rest of the weekend to be disgusting, but Monday starts a healthier Erika. A return to the Erika I used to be before my dad got hospitalized.
In other news, my DVD player crapped out. I guess I can't be too mad about having to replace it...it was given to me by an old roommate. When we parted ways, she was like "you can keep it." I kind of miss this particular roommate. Living with her came with perks. For starters, she would shower with the door open and leave it open even as she dried off, lotioned up, did her hair, did her makeup. She took my lead on not liking to wear clothes in the house and most days, I would come home to find her cooking and cleaning in bra and panties. Her booty was so big, one of my male friends just straight-up referred to her as "the Donkey." The best part, she went through a nasty break up while we lived together and there were a few nights that she'd come in my room and be like "I'm lonely and sad, can I sleep with you?" Of course she could. I'd wrap her up in my arms and we'd pass out. I miss them days (and nights).
- ▼ April (10)