Thursday, April 16, 2009

End of a Friendship

I got the results back from my CT scan. Negative. Praise Jah. Such good news. Now, if we could just discover what's really goin on. I have had intense heartburn everyday since that initial attack last Monday. And it feels like something is growing in the left side of my abdomen. When I lay down, it feels like I'm laying on top of something. It isn't painful, just very uncomfortable. I've started taking some fake-me-out prilosec. It's only working kind of. My mom thinks I've got some sort of extreme acid reflux brought on by stress, or a hiatal hernia or an ulcer. I plan to discuss it all with my doctor at my follow-up appt on the 24th. The twitch was just about gone...but then yesterday, it came back with a vengeance. Just twitchin all crazy. And hard too. I think people would be able to see it if they looked closely enough.

It was a beautiful day in Indianapolis today. My friend Ashley and I went down to Broad Ripple and walked the Monon Trail for about an hour and got some fresh air. Then had dinner at an outdoor Mexican restaurant. (I know, eating Mexican is not wise when I know I've got this intense heartburn issue.) It was an enjoyable evening. I believe I'll be purchasing a bicylce in the very near future. Storage might be a slight issue, but I'd love to have a bike to ride this spring and summer. I would ride to work if I could convince myself to get up early enough. The only real downfall would be showing up to work sweating, but Ashley reminded me that if that's the worst part of it, then it's really not anything to worry about. I agree, there's worse things in life than pit stains on the job. It's not like I have some fancy job. I print pictures. Who.cares.

I hate the fact that such a normal, healthy, *beautiful* part of being a woman just kicks my ass. Each and every month. I get my ass handed to me on a platter. I've been at this for 13 years now...and I still wish death upon myself each and every time.

I bought another blackberry the other day. The curve 8900. It was time for an upgrade. I lost my blackberry a long time ago and replaced it with a Dash, which was a major mistake. That phone gave me nothing but problems. Over the weekend, when the metal part of it that surrounded the screen and buttons began separating from the rest of the phone, I decided I'd had enough. It was time for a replacement. I'm so happy to be back with a Blackberry. It took me a few minutes to get reacquainted with it, but I love the processing system so much better. It's worth some of the minor inconveniences.

So, I have a friend. I've been friends with her for about 7 months. She's really nice, very sweet, smart, in college, always smells like this wonderful mixture of Dove soap and shea butter, very pretty, and most important, we can talk. She takes me as I am, listens to me, gives me space to be who I am, no judging involved. I've decided that all those things found in one person is really rare. She's bisexual and currently has a boyfriend. But she likes to cuddle. She loves to cuddle. When her and I are together, we're affectionate. We hold hands, I kiss her face, I rub her feet and legs, she sleeps on my chest with her arms wrapped tightly around my midsection, our heads and faces are smashed together as we talk early in the morning, she likes to rest her hands at the very top of my inner thighs - grazin me thru my draws. We do all of this with no problem. I caressed her breast through a movie once and that was alright too. But today, she tells me that she's feeling guilty about some of our conversation because we tend to get sexual from time to time. Now, I know that the things we say and do to one another are downright inappropriate since she's in a relationship. But I just follow her lead. If she likes it, I love it. But she threw me for a loop today...saying she's guilty about our conversation, but all of our actions have never been a problem. Then she broke my heart when she said that she isn't certain how much longer we can continue to be affectionate like that with one another. I enjoy our friendship because of the ease with which we communicate and the affection. She's like the perfect friend. In this situation, it's also frustrating because her boyfriend is such a lame. He doesn't compliment her, he doesn't treat her like she should be treated, he disappoints her at least thrice a week. I feel like she needs to just leave him alone and keep on being friends with me the way we like to be friends. I can't just say that to her though. She just loves him so damn much. I'm just jaded and hate love right now and she knows that. I asked how come she suddenly felt this guilt and I don't think I really got a straight answer, but oh well. I suppose it doesn't matter. She said something about how she would be livid if he was talking about and doing the same things we were. She's right about that...I wouldn't want my girlfriend to entertain the type of things that her and I do. It's clearly way past the lines of friendship. But we just have that vibe together...that's the nature of our friendship. It's affectionate. They say that what goes around comes around...I'll probably pay dearly for this. This sounds horrible, but I don't even know if I know how to be friends with her without the physical vibe. I'm not sure I know how to converse with her without sayin something semi-vulgar. It's just disappointing.



Anonymous said...

Glad the results came back negative. I'm also thinking about a bike this summer. Wow. I want a friendship like that...where I can be totally comfortable and affectionate with someone...minus the whole boyfriend part, of course. Where do you meet these women? You've had roommates that walk around naked and friends whose breasts you can stroke! No fair.

Anonymous said...

are you sure you're just friends? you don't want more from her than that?

Erika said...

BWABW- I just bought a bike! It's black and silver and I can't wait to start riding! And I have no clue how I run across these women.

Alix- Yeah, I'm sure we're just friends. As of right now, no, I don't want anything more from her. If she were single and I wasn't still so stuck on my ex, I would definitely want to be with her. We've discussed it.

RealDeal_Revolutionista said...

Chew. Your. Food. Erika.

Like 30 times.

It works wonders for heartburn. From one GERD sufferer to another. Anytime I get that gross feeling in my esophagus that food is stuck there I try to digest mostly liquid and salad/fruit until it passes. Works wonders!

I don't know how to ride a bike. I'm strange like that.

I have a Wing. Used to love it, now I hate it. Can't wait to upgrade.

I know how you get women like that: you're a sweet, genuine, person. Duh!

Erika said...

RDREVOLUTIONASL:KJFDKL:JS:L- Yes, I have learned to slooow it wayyy down when I eat. And not overeating helps a lot too. You should learn to ride a bike, it's lots of fun. and thanks for recognizing me for what I really am lol.