Monday, May 4, 2009

Women Schwomen

It's over. Friend and I are done. She chose her dude. I wasn't surprised. Luckily, I had kept my guard up enough to not let it totally hit me like a ton of bricks. Even still, it didn't stop me from saying a few mildly hateful things to her as she walked out of my apartment last night, after she came over to get her leftovers from when I took her out the night before and basically finalize things. It's all good though. She's in love with him...she only liked me. I immediately yanked my sheets off the bed...I didn't wanna smell her as I drifted off to sleep. Plus, I didn't wanna lay in our sex from yesterday morning...we woke up at 9 and it was immediately on and poppin, until 2pm. Despite letting me know that she was not going to get out of her relationship, Friend texted me today tellin me that I'm the best sex she ever had. I kind of wonder what will happen next time we see each other. We obviously have some crazy sexual attraction and chemistry, I'm not sure that her and I can be trusted in a room together.

Yesterday was my brother's cookout. It was sooo much fun. I thought it was going to be emotional because my dad wasn't there...not at all. It was a little dramatic because my mom cornered my aunt, the one who's a bitch, and cursed her out. My aunt left immediately and everybody carried on and had a great time. My brother and Jackie were very impressed with the turn-out...they hadn't expected every single person they invited to show up. It was about 60 people there. Food galore. So much fun. My only regret is leaving my camera at home.

I did have a lot on my mind while I was there though. A whole whole lot. Shanee has spent the entire weekend apologizing. She has really owned up to everything and taken responsibility for all the problems in our relationship and how shitty she treated me the past couple months. She understands that when shit mattered the most, she dropped the ball completely. She has identified a lengthy set of things that she needs to change if she ever wants to have a successful relationship. It was interesting to hear her. She said that even though I think she's been bullshitting around, she has spent a lot of time thinking about herself in terms of our relationship and her responsibility in how awfully it ended. From the way she spoke and talked about things, it did show that she fully understands the extent of the problems and that she has been thinking and reflecting. I didn't curse her out, but I did spend 3 hours on the phone with her yesterday and last night really lettin her have it. We went over EVERYTHING. I explained to her that she didn't know just how bad she'd hurt me and she didn't know what she'd done. She made a fool of herself apologizing. I'm still not completely sure that I buy what she's selling, but I do have a lot of things to consider. Her and I were in a relationship for 2 years. The whole time, we were 600 miles away from one another. If I don't give her a chance to move out here and us try a normal relationship, I will always wonder what-if. I will never fully know what we could have had. Nothing will ever negate, take away, or make me forget how bad she treated me the last two months...but I can walk away and say that I gave it everything I had. Plus, she told me that she wasn't ever going to stop trying. She said that she loves me way too much to give up, said that she can't live without me, and said that she isn't going to leave me alone. Told me that I'm stuck with her. Looks like I'll have a bugaboo. I can't lie though and say that part of me hasn't been dying to hear all this ever since shit went bad in the first place. It was music to my ears. I do love her a lot, she's just been a dickhead. Even her mother told her that she's gotta find a better way to deal with her stress, she can't just cut people out of her life. It's not an excuse and she realizes that. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Twice within the past 2 years, I've caught feelings for other people. A girl named Shay, and then Friend. When I met Shay, I wasn't attracted to her. I mean, I knew from day one that she was super cute, but that was it. As time went on, our feelings grew and I told Shanee about it. She, of course, dumped me. Three days later when Shay got so pissed at me that she asked me to leave her house, Shanee was calling me as I got in the car and was about to pull away from Shay's house. She was calling me to try and win me back. I, of course, went. I still loved her, I only liked Shay. And now, right when things go bad with Friend, Shanee returns to plead her case, try and win me back. There's gotta be a reason that it keeps happening that way. Shanee even said herself that something feels like deja vu. I did go ahead and tell her all about Friend. She said she only has herself to blame for making it so easy to pick up and catch feelings for someone else. But there's gotta be a reason that each time I've liked another girl, that girl drops me on my face and it seems that Shanee is right there wanting me back the moment it happens. And again, I like Friend, but I love Shanee. Plus, I have to consider something else...I have taken 6 or 7 breaks from Shanee in the 2 years we were together. Maybe two of the times, it was legit. The other times, everyone always told me that it could've been worked out and that I was being really harsh. This is the very first time that Shanee has ever insisted that we be apart. I believe that her timing was so awful that it trumps any break I've ever taken, but at the end of the day, she has always been willing to get back in our relationship, and so something just doesn't quite seem fair or right for me to never give her another shot after the one time that she broke up with me. I'm just 100% torn. I am confused beyond belief. I have no idea which way is up. I have no clue what to do. I have missed her and I have been dreaming about her pulling her head out of her ass and realizing and she finally did it. I can't let go of the fact that it all happened in the first place though...it's kind of too late for sorry. She should have given it more thought before she made up her mind. I'm sure I'll come to the right decision soon enough.

The chick from Saturday before last, the one that turned me on to something in the bed, decided to pay me a visit at my job today. She made general conversation, but then had to throw in that she hadn't heard from me and wanted to know why. I didn't answer because we had talked yesterday and she wants to go to the movies on Friday. I agreed to that. I think I will either cancel, or go to the movies and then not invite her back home with me. Even though I enjoyed the sex, I don't like her. The sex was definitely kool, but not good enough to do again really. I don't wanna spend time talking to her...I don't even like the sound of her voice. She's got some funny, country-soundin accent that isn't attractive to me. Plus, she smokes and I could taste it last time I kissed her. And then she also turned me off at work, before she inquired about me not calling, she said she was hoping to get laid off from her job so that she could just collect unemployment. How ghetto and lazy can one broad be?? The moment that left her lips, I scratched her off my list. I'm down to 2 chicks...and I don't even really like either one of them. I either need to round my team back out, or just forget about it. Spend the summer riding my bike and mindin my business. Plus, when the baby's born, I will be in Terre Haute in all my spare time anyhow.

I think that's all I really needed to free my mind of...

4 comments:

Astro Melanin said...

Fucking brilliant. I hate liking an attached person esp when I'm hoping and praying that things are over between them so I can squeeze in. pfft.

Alix said...

Wow! Wondering how you're feeling...

That's a lot for one entry...

breastswildasblkwaves said...

Wow, girl. That was a lot. Hope it felt better getting it off ya chest.
"I either need to round my team back out, or just forget about it. Spend the summer riding my bike and mindin my business"

I feel the same way. I'm gonna chill on women for a little while. Shoot. I might get a bike myself. Keep my behind busy, distracted, and women-free!

E. said...

umm, I don't even know what to say... I'm just.. I don't even know.