I honestly don't think I've been this turned off in a long time. I'm really just feelin over it all.
I asked Shanee if she ever dreamed that I could be this hateful. She got maaadddd earlier when I told her that she must like suckin her own dick. That was just my colorful way of saying that she seems to enjoy just turning inward and focusing on herself and shitting on everyone else in her life. She said that she never imagined that I had this in me. Of course, she didn't. She never had a reason to. But she has fucked me up so bad on the inside, it's like anything goes with her. I'm really runnin off at the mouth. And smiling about it too. And I dare her to say anything back. I told her she should be happy that I am even giving her the time of day. The fact that I still have it within me to go completely off on her says a lot for the emotion and the passion that I feel for her. She should thank her lucky stars I even still feel anything for her. But I definitely arrived at a conclusion the other day and she said that it's been obvious to her for about a week now. Funny that others can see my emotions before me. But anyhow, I realized that I love her...but I do not like her. And that's real talk. Part of me even hates her. She disgusts me. Turns me off. When she broke up with me, I went around my apartment and yanked down all her pictures and threw them in a drawer...and I went in the drawer last night and started to dry heave.
Friend called earlier. I abhor the telephone. I don't even answer my mother's calls. Real talk, I send her to voicemail. And on Sunday when she made her decision, I told her I wasn't calling her ever again. If she wanted to talk, she has to do the calling. I was just being honest with her. She decided to call today. I went ahead and picked up for her. It was general conversation at first...then she started hittin some nerves. She asked me what I thought about the comment my friend E left on her blog, the part about her having constructed a tripod of herself, myself, and her oblivious boyfriend. I told her that it wasn't a tripod anymore because she kicked one of the legs out. She then asked me did I think all this was easy for her. I had to let her know that no, I didn't think it was easy for her, but what about me? Told her she was only thinking about herself. Then I told her that we could be friends, but it really has to be a mild-ass friendship. Earlier she had texted me like "I wanna be in your arms." I texted back "sorry." She wanted to know why I gave such a dry response...I told her because it's not kool to be affectionate anymore. That's over. If we're gonna be friends, then we're gonna be friends. She said that she can't just erase all the feelings she has for me. As much as I understand that, she has to erase the action part. Feel whatever you want, but don't let on. Then she began talking about how she doesn't want to lose me. I was like, "I just told you that we could be friends!" Then she started saying that she just wants to be happy. Doesn't everybody?? Isn't that what the American dream is all about? The freakin pursuit of happiness? She said that she questions whether or not she made the right decision. I don't remember exactly what I said, but her response really stands out. She said that she had three reasons for making her decision and she does not doubt that. Said that she is confident in her choice of picking him over me, and that she doesn't regret it and that's not what she's questioning. She's questioning whether or not she should even be with him period, without even taking me into consideration. It stung for her to say that, but it was also dumb. I told her that if she's so confident that he's the better choice and that if she has no regrets or questions about passing me up, then why is she on the phone talking about she doesn't wanna lose me? She didn't have much to say about it. I didn't say it on the phone, but why is she texting me about wanting to be in my arms and why did she just have to let me know that nobody fucks like I do (her man obviously must be hittin it better than me! for that purpose alone, I'm clearly the winner if my sex is really just off the hook!) and why is she so concerned about who else I have sex with? No questions right? No regrets? Last night, she said she was getting all worked up because she thought I was having sex. Doesn't sound like somebody who's so confident in their choice to let me go. She really does wanna smash one cake down her throat and then sit squarely on another. I didn't say anything to her that she didn't already know....common sense says that if you questioning a relationship just on your own, without the presence of a better person, then there's something wrong with it. Why be in it? She even said that one of the reasons she picked him was because she knew he wasn't going anywhere. He's a sure thing. I continued to call her out about all the contradictory things and she didn't have a lot to say about any of it. She ended the conversation when her nephew wanted to play. After we hung up, I got this little text that said she isn't going to question her decision anymore. Funny that she's suddenly so sure that she can just put it behind her and move on...earlier in the conversation she couldn't just forget about it. *rolls eyes*
Between these two women, every single button that I have has been pressed and held. I've got half the mind to tell them both to just riiiiiide out. Leave me the hell alone. They've left me emotionally exhausted. With Friend, I pretty much asked for most of it, but that one conversation in which she tried to basically tell me that it wasn't about me that she's feeling so conflicted (bullshit) made me sick. All signs point to yes. I even told her that I feel sorry for her boyfriend. I meant it too. She admitted that if he knew the truth, he would be so gone. She's keeping up a real good pretense. If it isn't obvious, she really struck a nerve. They have each hurt my feelings some kind of bad and it has brought out the worst in me. I have a really ugly ability to be downright evil and hateful when I'm feeling bruised....do most people?
The other day, I did decide to go ahead and cancel my date tonight with that chick that popped up at my job the other day. I'm so glad that I did. Feeling the way I feel about women right now, she'd probably have got cursed at just for being there. I went to the movies last night with an old fling. It was really nice to see her. She's cuter than I remembered and she seems to be happy. That wasn't always the case. Happy is a good look on her, as it is on everybody. We're just friends now and even though I considered pressing it a little last night to see where exactly her mind was, I think I'm definitely going to leave it alone. Just be friends with her. Enjoy her for that and that alone. I am going to the movies with my cousin tonight...should be a good time. I need to just continue to do low-key, laid back things. Even though I did plan a threesome earlier, lol, I still might not go through with it. As much as I want to, I know that if I do it, I will be trying to do it again, and next thing I know I'm gonna be smack dab in the middle of some more bullshit. Even though I fully enjoy physical pleasure (who doesn't?), I think I need to fully be alone and just let my insides heal. From everything that's gone on these past 3 months. I'm all black and blue on the inside. I keep my chin in the air, but shit...I wonder can anybody see through the facade. My emotions are fucked. Not so bad that I can't function, but I feel like it's a smart move.
In other news, I have succumbed to the power of Twitter. Even downloaded TwitterBerry aaannnnd a TweetDeck. I made it possible to just tweet all damn day...and I really try to, lol. I don't know who has it and who doesn't, so if you do...holla: E827
- ▼ May (9)