Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Confusion runs so deep...

I have never felt as conflicted about a person as I do about Shanee right now. She asked for my mother's home address yesterday so that she could send a Mother's Day card. She's really turnin it up. I feel like she's either going to fuck around and not send one, or she's going to send it and then do something else to fuck things up between us again. I told her how I hadn't even told my mom and brother that her and I had split. Just didn't have the heart to. It would have hurt them to know that I was double hurting. Mourning the loss of my father AND the loss of my relationship all at the same time. My mom is so protective of my brother and I, she probably would have asked for her phone number so she could call and really let her have it. I didn't want them to worry about me any more than they already were, so I spared them that information. My mom still asks about her all the time and I just say "oh, she's fine, finishing up the semester, preparing to graduate." It's a satisfactory answer. My brother asked about her at the cookout because there was this baaadddd chick there and I asked about her...he was tellin me all about her and he was like "..and she's single!" But then he immediately frowned and looked at me sideways and was like "what about Shanee, why are you asking about other chicks?" I told him I was just curious...told him that Shanee and I are kind of on the outs. He just nodded his head and kept drinkin lol. I told her that if she sends a card to my mom on Mother's Day, then she has to be her daughter from here on out. She said nothing would make her more happy. I smiled and wanted to throw up all at the same time.

And I don't know if I'm touched or just 100% turned off by something else as well...she now wants me to tell her what time to come home when she goes out. She said that she needs a concrete time for when to be in the house so that her and I are always on the same page. I told her that on weeknights, 12:30 and 1 is late to me. I would prefer that she be in the house by then. Last week, her and her roommate were coming in around 2ish and some boys had broken into their building, waiting on some other girls that live there. Her roommate told them to wait outdoors. They said they weren't going anywhere. When Shanee and the roommate tried to push past them in the narrow-ass hallway to get to their apartment, words were exchanged and it ended up with the roommate being snatched up by the neck and Shanee being thrown down some stairs. She says her legs are all bruised up. That night was the first night that she'd called me in over 2 weeks and she cried the moment she heard my voice. I personally feel like she's only had this huge change of heart since that incident because it shook her and let her see what's really important. When something horrible happened, only person she wanted to reach out to was me. I think that let her see that to break up with me when I was going through something horrible was the worst thing she could have ever done. Anyhow, I told her that I don't like her being out late because I'm concerned about her safety. North Philly ain't no punk. Plus, she's not a big drinker so most nights, she's the only sober one out of her friends, so she's gotta safely deliver everyone to their house at the end of the night, which means she comes home alone often. And last week proved that the danger can be up inside her front door, not always lurking in alleys and whatnot. I just don't like her staying out late. She has poor judgment (if you open your door and see strange men, you turn and haul ass outta there, you don't confront them!) and I just feel like she'd be better off coming home earlier in the night. Annnnd another reason, she calls me when she gets in. I don't like phone calls at 2 and 3am. I wake up tired and feeling shitty when my sleep has been broken. So if she comes home before I'm too far gone, then we have less problems all the way around. I guess she's trying to see that now and just figures things would be easier if I told her when exactly to come home. I told her I'm not her daddy, but if she wants a curfew, I'll give it to her.

Friend and I seem to have just kind of fallen back into our friendship. I don't have any fucked-up feelings towards her...I even meant it wholeheartedly yesterday when I told her not to question or regret her decision. I did tell her last night though that I wished I could smell her. That glorious combination of Dove soap and shea butter is very comforting...it breeds calm and peace. She likes that I'm so into her physicality. I breathe deeper when I'm around her because I can't get enough of her scent and she enjoys me getting my fingers lost in her ever-growing puff of natural hair. I wonder for how long I will think about those things. Her voice lingers in my head. She's from a city that's known for being hood...it used to be the murder capital of America. She said her favorite thing to do in summer is sit outside and watch the ghetto people stroll up and down the street. She is educated, she's smart, and she talks proper English...but every so often, it slips out. When I first met her, I immediately asked her where she was from because people from that city have a distinct dialect. She said the same of me...she could tell I wasn't from Indianapolis, I have the dialect from my hometown. Anyhow, she sometimes leaves R's off of words. Twitter is "twitta" and I just have to grin each time she says it. Hair is "heah" and there is "theah" and so on. Car is "cah" lol. We were supposed to go to Atlanta pride together...I think we still might. Probably is a horrible idea, but I think we like horrible ideas. She was supposed to be studying yesterday but she was textin, talkin about "i would like some sweet pain inflicted on me right now." Well. Call your man, lol. Naw, I told her I wish I could inflict it. I do.

Time to leave for work...

5 comments:

RealDeal_Revolutionista said...

I'm so thrown. I need to think about Shanee and Friend.

How to forgive someone who left you during the worst moment of your life?

How to be entwined with someone who's entwined with someone else?

I gotta think, lol.

E. said...

Friend sounds like she talks like me. lol.

I don't know what to think about Shanee..I'm sorry that incident happened to her and I truly hope she is more careful in the future. However, something in my spirit tells me she's using you. She seems to know exactly what buttons to push to have you all smiling on the inside even if you don't show it on the outside. I have no doubt that she loves you but I think she knows all too well just how much you still love her and how to use that to her advantage.

As for "friend"... I dunno.. for some reason I like friend's energy and I still like the fact that she seems to make you ...different. You seem happy lately. Now, I DON'T like that she has a dude and is still flirting with you. She chose him so she needs to stop "sex-ting" you lol.. but at the same time, I can still totally see you and her linking up in the future.

Alix said...

It doesn't sound like you're confused to me, you sound like you know exactly what you're doing...

Anonymous said...

Hmm I don't know quite where to start. I have never liked to judge anyone, but I kinda agree with E. Why is it that all of the sudden when Shanee gets thrown down some stairs for having a smart ass mouth she comes to her senses? It took all that for her to realize that she needs someone like u. Ur useful to her RIGHT NOW. Are her actions and positive attitude going to stick around?

Yea, so what my "hoodness" comes out sometimes lol. We both know I'm far from hood. Yea, I decided to let Dez stick around for now and I def hopes he acts right. I thought u were going to disappear from my life for a second time, but thank God you haven't. Like I've told u before you are a great friend to me and I love having u in it. I have to admit I am a huge flirt and I love how I can be so open with u about everything. ITA with E about the possiblity of us linking up in the future too...don't forget u told me ur my future girlfriend. Yes ppl I know our friendship is not normal.

-Friend

breastswildasblkwaves said...

You said a lot about what Shanee wants and how she feels, but how do you feel about her and what do you want with her? I agree that it is tough to forgive someone who left you during the toughest moment of your life. Man, all I can say if that I would be scared that shit would happen again and I wouldn't feel I can rely on that person. If you decide to give things a try again then take it slow and et her prove herself to you.

Regarding Friend (and no offense to Friend), while I don't doubt she cares about you, it sounds like she's stringing you along and getting best of both worlds/having her cake and eat it too. She gets to stay with her man and send you sexy text messages, AND you two can have mind-blowing sex sporadically. Hmm...I mean it's your call obviously, but seems like you get the short end of the stick...