Friday, May 1, 2009

Biggest Mistake or Best Thing Ever...

Well, it's pretty much a wrap for me.

Friend has cast a spell on me or something. I don't even think she's fully aware of the extent of my attraction. My friend E commented that she's never heard me talk about anybody like this. That was after I told her that it's been a really long time since I looked at anybody and saw beauty. Most times, it's something superficial like "ooo she look good" or something. Nope, not with her. I see beauty. And it's not just skin deep. She's got a beautiful soul. Without realizing it, she's done a lot for me these past few weeks and I appreciate her very much. She pretty much has all the qualities and characteristics that I would want in somebody that I was going to be exclusive with. She got one demerit for waiting until I was at her house to clean the bathroom floor though lmao...we'd had these plans for a week, she knew I was coming!

We pretty much just chilled. Met at her house, went to eat dinner...the waitress liked us lol. All up in our face, gave us four free appetizers lol. I snatched her up by the waist as we walked out and the hostesses were all like "awwww." Then we went to CVS to pick up her medicine and I guess we looked all extra flirtatious because the pharmacist was like "have a good night and be good." Neither of us have had anybody tell us to be good like that lol. We must have looked like we were really up to something. We went back to her place to kill time before our movie started. That's where I got a little handsy. She has natural hair and I can't keep my hands out of it. I love the way it feels in between my fingers. I basically spent about 20 minutes just all in her face, then we went to see the Soloist.

I don't know what that movie was supposed to be, I didn't walk away with a lesson or a moral or even feeling entertained. I called it within the first 10 minutes that Jamie Foxx's character was schizophrenic, but other than that, I can't tell you anything about it. She was all in it. I think her eyes even glazed over with tears once...I watched her instead of the movie. About halfway through, it really sank in that she doesn't belong to me. She has a boyfriend. She's in a relationship and it's not with me. She's not mine. It hurt. More than I thought it should or would. So I went to sleep. She kept waking me up though. All my preoccupation is why I probably didn't really watch the movie.

We got back to her house and she got on the phone with her dude. I sat and watched "my best friend's girl." I enjoy Kate Hudson. Their conversation wasn't long...she was disappointed because he elected to work instead of spend the weekend with her (some shit I would never do!). Anyhow, when she was done with him, she came and curled up in my lap and went to sleep. I played in her hair some more...I've never been into anyone's hair before, so that in itself is kind of big for me. After a lil while, I told her we were goin to bed, so we went and laid down.


This morning though, I woke up to hands on my back, in my hair, on my arms...things that are normal for our friendship. But there was something different to it this time. She laid in my arms and we talked for about 2 hours. Discussed the situation and what we should do. I kind of feared that it would be our last time hanging out. We obviously can't leave each other alone, but we shouldn't carry on either. She told me that I'm her weakness. Said she finds me sexy from head to toe. Said that when she gets around me, she just can't help herself. (I wish I had that effect on all women!) We kind of touched on the notion that even though it isn't right, chances are that we'll probably continue to see one another and fuck each time. And her boyfriend, if he keeps on opting to take these weekend gigs, is setting it up real nice. She said she doesn't want it to just be about sex and I assured her that we'll keep our friendship first.

Anyhow, we did end up getting down lol. I guess that negates my enthusiasm and capital letters from up above lol. I had her do what the chick from last Saturday night did that just had me about to lose my mind. It was enjoyable, yet again lol. Soon after we were done, she went to work and I came home. Since her man cancelled on her, I thought about just stayin at her crib and being there when she got home and surprising her. We could have made another day of it. But I decided not to because I figured I needed to put some time and space between us. I'm really diggin her, but I need to guard my feelings. We need to let it cool between visits so I don't get completely caught up.

In other news, Shanee decided today to fill me in on the fact that she's been doing a lot of thinking and she's genuinely sorry for all that she's done and she knows that she could have done a lot better. She said it hurts her that I'm so disappointed and that she hurt me the way she did and let me down so many times. She owned up to everything and took responsibility for all that she's done that crushed me the past couple months. I asked some probing questions, none of which she had the answer to. She said that she's going to do some serious self-reflection about it. She has identified a definite disconnect between her feelings and actions. And she has a problem with authority. If someone says something, she instantly wants to do the complete opposite. She's been that way since she was a child. I reminded her that I never demanded anything from was a relationship, not a dictatorship. She's grown and can think for was a never a case of do-as-i-say. But I believe a general rule of thumb when you're in a relationship, you listen to each other and if one person is uncomfortable with something, it shouldn't happen. That's just general respect and courtesy in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. I'm not even friends with people who don't respect my feelings. She said that her whole life, she just did whatever she wanted and so when she met me and I actually had standards, expectations, and boundaries, she didn't adjust right away. And Lord knows she didn't! I reminded her that I was spoiled as a child as well, but I don't have this instant and constant urge to just defy and resist what people tell me. She does. If I tell her that I really like white sneakers, she'll immediately go put on black ones. If I tell her that I like her hair down, she'd instantly find a reason for why she needs a ponytail. She's just like that. And as sick as it made me for the whole two years we were together, it wasn't ever a deal-breaker. I told her today that she's too damn old to act like that. Who, past the age of 3, just disagrees for the sake of disagreeing?? Here lately, there are a lot of things that I think about that weren't ideal about our relationship. Each of them, on their own, wasn't ever enough to call it quits...but looking back on it, I'm not sure that I would pick it again. I'm not really sure how open I would be to trying it again. She said that she understands that she needs serious work, but I think it's too late. I told her today that I'd never give her 100% again. I asked her how she felt about an open relationship. She wasn't impressed. But there's honestly no way I could ever be in a relationship with her again and be totally serious about it like I was. I'd probably cheat, lie, and bullshit. The conversation ended up pretty much deadlocked...I told her that she'll never have all of me again and that it was pointless to work anything out unless she got her little issues under control..she said she feels like it's just best that she stays out of my way since it's obvious that I'm so resentful and I don't really have anything positive to say to her. Stalemate. So who knows if we'll talk again or not.

I dragged myself around town today and made myself shop. I got some shorts and some shirts and some sneakers, some socks, chapstick, and a new shower head. I'm set for the season now. The last time my mom was here, she said that my towels and pillows and sheets were triflin. Maybe I'll correct all that next week, I'd had enough shopping for today. Plus, it's my stuff, she doesn't have to deal with it on the daily. And no one else complains ;-)


Anonymous said...

lol...Triflin sheets, pillow cases listen boo boo...we dont do those things lol

when i come through to IN...or is it ID..nah that idaho...well HELL you know what i mean, we going to walmart, cause if i scratch myself on a towel...that'll be ya first

now homegirl w/the bf...listen be safe and watch the situation...thats all i can say without my personal beliefs coming into play...but still i love you!

shanee....damn all i can say love and despise someone is the worst.


Anonymous said...

I can't tell u how much I enjoy spending time with u. Every moment is entertaining, loving, passionate, and breath taking. U making me question myself "Y do I have a boyfriend again" and u kno I'm serious bout that. I'm not bout to pour my feelings out for u on ur comments cuz I think that's doin way too much. Bottomline ur everything I want but u kno I'm scared and caught up wit my situation.

As far as shanee goes....Im secretly happy that it might be ending for real this time. I kno that's really evil to say but if it really ends I won't have to worry bout my huge fear(i hope u kno what I'm talkin bout)

*taking a huge sigh* Erika what am I getting myself into?


E. said...

although you already told me just about everything you wrote in this entry, it was good to have it all in one place to read again.

And then reading "friend's" comment??!! guys are officially 'caught up'... You have two theme songs now, "Knocks you Down" and Usher's "caught up" lol. Although I want you to be really careful, I'm also REALLY excited for you. I mean, the first stages of a relationship with all those butterflies,and the 'can't catch your breath' feelings are the BEST! Enjoy it! And yeah, I said RELATIONSHIP. I think the word is appropriate whether or not it's official because you two seem to have bonded on a deep emotional and physical level ..that's a relationship dude...point blank.
She needs to leave her man for real and get on the 'E' tip. All 'E's' do it right!!! lol.
As for Shanee, I'm sorry, I was rooting for y'all in the beginning and even in the middle but now I kinda feel like she's lost her chance. I mean, I don't know her but from what you've told me and from what I've read she seems to have some serious self-evaluation to do before she can be with anyone right now.I know you still love her but Maybe it's best you move on...for good this time!

Good luck dawg!

A Brown Girl said...

I love it! However, I do want you to be careful. Make sure that all of your fun now doesn't lead to some serious heartbreak later...

Anonymous said...

Oh my...

I have to say you are BRAVE at least in my book. I dont think I could write about someone and then they end up reading it. AND COMMENTING. Especially when your expressing your feelings about them...good and bad. I think you two should keep doin what your doing. Dont over think it. And dont mess it up. Things happen for a reason.

Glo said...


Yea yea what she said.

Although, its quite enduring to see ur entries, and then her response to them...