I'm in a weird place right now. I just woke up from a nap but I feel very strange. I'm not sure what I want to do, if anything. I wanna send a few texts out to find something to do, but that would mean putting clothes on and leaving the house. I'm feeling lazy. Part of me wants to take off into the sunset on my bicycle...but another part of me just says nooooo. I wanna run over to the weight room and get a workout in...but my butt just kind of feels glued to the chair. I'm looking around at my bag from this weekend at home and the heap of dirty clothes...there is work to be done in this apartment, but again...nooooo. I'm hungry, but don't feel like obtaining food. I'm really just in here, wasting space.
As mentioned, I just woke up from a nap. Something very strange happened. As I was partially asleep, I felt a presence. Someone was standing over me. I got kissed on the forehead. I wasn't dreaming yet...and wasn't quite all the way to sleep. When I was little, my father would get a good laugh out of me by grabbing my shoulders and bringing his face really close to mine really slow, then giving me the world's quickest peck and jerking away from me really fast. I would fall out in giggles each and every time. That's how this kiss on my forehead while I was half-awake was. The presence came on slow, I felt the contact, then it was GONE. I jerked all the way awake at that moment and tears began to pour. I don't know if I was crying because I was scared, part of me felt psychotic, and it made me think about a conversation with my mom yesterday. She asked me if I remembered those doors opening and closing the morning of the funeral. She said that she'd been talking to several people and they had all kind of asked her if she'd gotten a sign from my dad yet. I'm not sure how widespread this belief is and I'm not sure that I buy it, but apparently a lot of people think that you get a sign from your loved one that they are okay. I definitely remember being there the morning of the funeral when those doors opened and closed like that. And I can rememer back to 1997 when my grandfather died..the morning of his funeral, two big yellow smiley-faced balloons came OUT OF A CLOSET and floated right up to the dining room table that 6 of us were having breakfast at. I don't know if that kiss was supposed to be my sign...or if I was just trippin. My mom kind of irritated me and upset me with what she said yesterday...she said that if those doors were supposed to be her sign, she thinks that he came in through the garage, let us know that he was there, then left out through the front door. She said that if that's true, she wishes he would have stayed. My eyes got huge and I asked her why on earth she would have wanted that. For him to just be in her house like that. She didn't want to talk about it any further. I think that's crazy. I'm going to sit her down and really talk to her about it if one more thing happens because she's already done something that I think is borderline nuts. On the coffeetable next to his recliner that he sat in 24/7, she's placed a tea cup and saucer. He used to sit there and sip tea all day. It wasn't there the last time I was home...she's done it recently. I asked about it. She said it's comforting to her. When I looked at her with the blank face, she said "what??! I don't actually put tea in it!" Praise Jah for that. I still think it's odd. But it's her house and if she likes that little tea set sitting there, then ok. But if she says or does anything else, I'm gonna sit her down.
Despite that, Mother's Day was nice. Her and I woke up and went to church on Sunday. The pastor's wife gave a message that moved no one. It just wasn't a good sermon. After church, my mom decided she wanted a haircut, so we went to the mall. The only person in town she trusts with her hair wasn't working, so we grabbed a snack and left the mall. We went to the movies and saw Wolverine. It was excellent! Then we went home and had naps. My brother called us when he got off work and we all went out to eat. There was a sour moment in that though. We walked in the restaurant and my mom requested a booth from the seater. My brother's fiance is due to give birth in exactly a week...so I turned to her and asked her if she would be comfortable with that. Her response was "I'll be fine, are YOU gonna fit?" She immediately threw her arms around me and told me that she was joking and I went ahead and laughed it off. Nobody else said anything. But later that night, my mom told me that it really pissed her off that she said that. We all know that it was an ignorant thing for her to say and I didn't expect anybody to interject...I'm almost 26 years old, I can put people in their place on my own if need be. At the moment, I laughed it off and forgot about it. But when my mom reminded me of it, it suddenly hurt me feelings kind of deep. I've always been big. I'm not sloppy and I've got a lot of muscle...but I'm large, there's no denying that. I'm just thick all the way around...I don't have a waistline or anything lol. My mom sometimes tries to talk to me about my eating habits because there's no reason that anybody should work out at the intensity that I work out and be the size that I am. If I really watched what I ate, I could be a lot smaller. I guess it's not that deep to me. I honestly don't think about it that often. It's never been a problem. I'm good at sports. I never did without friends. I've always had people to date and talk to...there's not a shortage of thin women (my preference) who like big girls (lucky for me). I think what hurt is the fact that nobody has ever said anything to me about it. I've probably been dogged behind my back, but nobody has ever in all my 25 years of livin' made a blatant comment to my face. My mom and Shanee both gassed my head back up and reassured me that it was the dumbest thing that she could have said. I would be lying if I said that her comment hasn't crossed my mind a few times today though.
Speaking of Shanee, I think all systems are a go. I've really thought a lot about things. Her and I have come to an understanding and we are going to attempt to start fresh. I think it's dumb when people say that, but I really am going to try it. I have handed her an awful lot of shit in the time that we've known each other. I asked a random question on Twitter last night "If your girlfriend lied to you so that she could spend the night with some other chick, would you work it out?" I got three replies and they were all negative. Well, that's what I did to her, for no reason whatsoever, about 6 months into our relationship. Lied to her so that I could kick it with some other chick. Ignored her phone calls all night long. She accepted my apology and we worked it out. Without rehashing all the fucked up things that I've done,that's small compared to some of the other stunts that I've pulled. Shanee actually has a blog. I will never share the address, so don't ask! But she only gets in the mood to write when I've done something horrible. So, it's basically an entire blog about how big of a dickbag that I am. I should be ashamed that such a blog even exists. They say that karma is a bitch and I can honestly say that I've gotten back what I've put out. Her timing was absolutely horrible for her to decide to be that damn selfish, but if she can forgive me for all the shit I've put her through, then there's no reason that I can't forgive her. I decided to weigh out what matters most...two years of her being by my side and damn near being a dream come true when we weren't being a pain in the ass to one another then just dropping the ball at a crucial moment....or two months of her being a jackass. We've talked extensively about what's going on and what has happened and how each situation was handled and how she's treated me and she's serious about never having it happen again. I genuinely believe that she is sorry for the fact that she dropped me on my face at the hardest point I've ever come to in my life. This could turn out to be the biggest mistake I've ever made, but I'm willing to try it. I'm giving it one last go. It'll be a slow ascent to the top, but I've gathered renewed faith and interest in our situation. (anybody who's been following the story is probably rolling their eyes, and that's okay lol)
- ▼ May (9)