I woke up yesterday and even though I'd gotten a full night's rest, I was just exhausted. Sometimes, just the thought of a long, full day is enough to exhaust me. I wake up tired just thinking of all the stuff I have to do. Anyway, when I woke up, I was facing 9 hours of work, then a company winter party, then driving home to Terre Haute. For some reason, it just seemed like a lot. And it proved to be so. Work was long, boring, and tiring. Then we had the company party. It was kool. I won a camcorder, a trucker hat, and a bath set. It was a decent time though. My coworkers are hilarious at times. I hit the road when it was over to come to Terre Haute for my mother's birthday.
I got into town last night at around 10:30. Sat and chilled with my parents. I went to bed kind of early.
Woke up this morning and just watched tv and chilled. Washed some clothes. Then we went to my mother's salon and I got a haircut. I felt kind of bad that I made my mother work on her birthday, but not bad enough to skip a haircut lol. After I got my haircut, we went to my brother's house to pick up the sofa he's giving me for my new place. Once it was loaded into the back of the truck, we went to an authentic Chinese restaurant. I had real General Tso's for the first time. It was wonderful. My mom was annoying because she got on my brother and I for not trying something else. Saying that she didn't raise us to be close-minded and non-experimental and whatnot. "You guys can get general tso's anywhere, why would you get it here when you have a chance to actually get good Chinese food?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not really a huge fan of Chinese anyway. Something about the way it's cooked, the sauces used, and the seasoning...I'm just not impressed. I'll eat it, but I never crave it on my own or suggest it. I typically eat it out of compliance with someone else's wishes. Given all this, I was going to stick with what I know. I wasn't in the mood to try a pu pu platter gang pang chicken. Just didn't sound appealing. I was kind of irritated that she equated that with not being open minded. And the thing that made it especially bad was that I had stated three times before we even went that I wasn't really feelin Chinese.
I elected to give my mom the bath set I won last night as a gift for her birthday. I don't use bath sets and she loves things like that. Perfect gift, it was easy and free to obtain, and she loved it. The one thing I hate about coming home is that I don't get to talk to Shanee as much. My parents are firm believers that to text in the company of others is rude. They think it's horrible for me to sit with them but obviously be engaged in conversation with someone who isn't present. And in addition to that, with my father refusing to go to bed, he's always present. I can't get any privacy until I'm laying in bed behind a closed door. I don't know if it's because I'm home or the fact that I'm not going to be happy with our amount of communication until we live together and I see her everyday. I miss her more and more each day. It's so unfortunate.
I had a pretty good conversation with a friend the other day. About gayness and straightness. She began dating a girl in high skool, then dated a boy in college, and has dated 2 girls seriously since then. Just a couple months ago, she was very set on being a lesbian and wouldn't hear of messing around with a boy. But then she tells me yesterday that if her relationship ends, she's going to "be straight" again. She said she feels that men have better personalities and she is tired of dealing with other women's emotions in addition to her own. I honestly feel that those things are separate from gender and sexuality. I know many more men with shitty personalities and unattractive characteristics than women. I also know plenty of women who are not emotional at all, stone cold. I think she just hasn't met the right woman yet. She said she will always be physically attracted to women, but if she's in love with a man, it won't matter. I was happy to hear that she intends to be faithful. She also said that there won't be any switching back and forth. I told her that she doesn't have to put one label on herself and that be it. She's allowed to change her mind, to have dual attractions. There does exist a phenomenon known as bisexuality lol. She also said something else that stuck with me. She said she has yet to meet anyone that was a perfect match for her. She feels the closest thing she's ever had to a soul mate was the boy she was with in college. She said that her and the girls were more like puzzle pieces...they fit together, but they were total opposites. I kind of liked that description. I believe Shanee and I are puzzle pieces. We're pretty much opposites on a lot of levels, but it's good. We fit together like puzzle pieces. We come together for a nice picture...the sum of our parts is great and makes perfect sense. But my friend isn't content like that. She wants it all. She wants her perfect match on every level. She is extremely smart and wants some equally smart. She is arrogant and wants someone just like that as well. She can be an asshole at times and she wants somebody who's also like that. It's well within her right to desire what she wants, but I wonder if it's worthwhile to really think she's going to meet someone exactly like her. All in all, it was an interesting conversation and I'm glad we had it.
bedtime...
Monday, January 26, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Cocaine
Not much has been going on. Same ol' same ol'. Can't complain.
I'm really starting to get excited about moving. Now that I've actually began sorting through things and marking things off my list, I really can't wait. Only a little over a week left in this place! I can't believe I've lived here this long. I remember when I first moved in, I didn't think I would be here any longer than a few months. But that was in the summer of 2006. I never thought it would happen, but I grew comfortable here. I've made many memories here. Regardless of how I felt when I first got here, it's been home. I'm still thrilled to be leaving though!
It's really funny how off-base our perceptions of people can be sometimes. I went to dinner with a friend last night. I've been friends with her for like 3 years, met her my junior year of college. I thought I pretty much knew her. Last night she revealed that she is absolutely dying to try crack. She wasn't even joking. She knows when she's going to try it, where, and the person she's going to try it with. She said she doesn't mind the risk of addiction. She said that she knows it's a terrible idea but she's going to do it anyway. I was so shocked. I just kept telling her, "you're crazy!" and other similar remarks. I couldn't believe it. Drugs are so far off of my list of things to do that I don't ever consider that they could very well be on other people's. When I think of cocaine and any other drug besides weed, I think of addicts who will do anything for their next hit. And I always think they got that way because of one bad decision, like poor snap judgment at a random party or someone gave it to them mixed in something else and they weren't aware. I wasn't aware that people consciously desired, with a sober mind, to try the drug for long periods of time, especially well-to-do college students who've got their ducks in a row and everything seemingly in their favor. I didn't say too much to her about it, but I really hope she changes her mind.
Bed early for me tonight...
I'm really starting to get excited about moving. Now that I've actually began sorting through things and marking things off my list, I really can't wait. Only a little over a week left in this place! I can't believe I've lived here this long. I remember when I first moved in, I didn't think I would be here any longer than a few months. But that was in the summer of 2006. I never thought it would happen, but I grew comfortable here. I've made many memories here. Regardless of how I felt when I first got here, it's been home. I'm still thrilled to be leaving though!
It's really funny how off-base our perceptions of people can be sometimes. I went to dinner with a friend last night. I've been friends with her for like 3 years, met her my junior year of college. I thought I pretty much knew her. Last night she revealed that she is absolutely dying to try crack. She wasn't even joking. She knows when she's going to try it, where, and the person she's going to try it with. She said she doesn't mind the risk of addiction. She said that she knows it's a terrible idea but she's going to do it anyway. I was so shocked. I just kept telling her, "you're crazy!" and other similar remarks. I couldn't believe it. Drugs are so far off of my list of things to do that I don't ever consider that they could very well be on other people's. When I think of cocaine and any other drug besides weed, I think of addicts who will do anything for their next hit. And I always think they got that way because of one bad decision, like poor snap judgment at a random party or someone gave it to them mixed in something else and they weren't aware. I wasn't aware that people consciously desired, with a sober mind, to try the drug for long periods of time, especially well-to-do college students who've got their ducks in a row and everything seemingly in their favor. I didn't say too much to her about it, but I really hope she changes her mind.
Bed early for me tonight...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Gay & Sad & Painful
I was approached by a gay man today. At work. I was walking through the produce section on my way back to the front of the store and he comes toward me and kind of sticks his hand out like he's flagging me down. I stop and ask him if I can help him with anything. He said, "I just wanted to know if you were spoken for." I said yes as I raised my eyebrows. He just kind of looked at me and I turned and kept walking. According to Shanee, I was supposed to ask him why he asked and actually talk for a few minutes. I told her next time I would gather more information lol. I mean, this dude had on men's clothing, but had makeup on. I shouldn't judge. Maybe it's wrong to have assumed he was gay, maybe he's just very open about gender and appreciates makeup. Maybe he was gay and was asking on behalf of a female friend who was elsewhere in the store. Regardless of why he was asking, the answer was still yes, I'm spoken for, and so I didn't feel any need to really entertain him or express interest by asking who or why. People are too thirsty these days and no one seems to respect the relationships of others, so I've learned to not even give anyone the time of day. It's probably cold and rude, but when people make it known that they are interested, they gotta go. Especially when they find out that my relationship is long-distance...they really feel like they can put their bid in then. Trying to just be friends with these types of people has already proved fatal in the past so I'm not even willing to go there anymore.
Speaking of long distance, I'm not cut out for it. I miss Shanee so damn bad, it's ridiculous. These 600 miles between us really hurt. We've made it this far and we've only got about 4 more months left, but it's no consolation. When we first got together in 2007, I thought that it would get easier, that I would grow accustomed to it. That hasn't been the case at all...the opposite has proven true. I can't stand it now worse than I couldn't stand it when we first decided that we were going to be exclusive. Being apart from her feels like torture. The things I do on an everyday basis don't feel complete because I'm alone. She posted some pictures on facebook last night of her and her friends hanging out and playing wii. I love seeing her smiling face, but I couldn't shake the fact that I was missing from the images. I just can't wait for our relationship to exist normally, like in the same city. I am so jealous of a friend of mine. He leaves tonight to move to Atlanta to be with his boo. They've been long distance for about 3 years now and today is the last day of their gap. I'm really happy for him!
Tonight will consist of sorting out all my clothes into a "donate" pile and a "keep" pile. That's my plan anyway. But I have really had bad abdominal pains all day long. The result of being a female. I just wanna lay down and eat tacos for the rest of the night.
....
Speaking of long distance, I'm not cut out for it. I miss Shanee so damn bad, it's ridiculous. These 600 miles between us really hurt. We've made it this far and we've only got about 4 more months left, but it's no consolation. When we first got together in 2007, I thought that it would get easier, that I would grow accustomed to it. That hasn't been the case at all...the opposite has proven true. I can't stand it now worse than I couldn't stand it when we first decided that we were going to be exclusive. Being apart from her feels like torture. The things I do on an everyday basis don't feel complete because I'm alone. She posted some pictures on facebook last night of her and her friends hanging out and playing wii. I love seeing her smiling face, but I couldn't shake the fact that I was missing from the images. I just can't wait for our relationship to exist normally, like in the same city. I am so jealous of a friend of mine. He leaves tonight to move to Atlanta to be with his boo. They've been long distance for about 3 years now and today is the last day of their gap. I'm really happy for him!
Tonight will consist of sorting out all my clothes into a "donate" pile and a "keep" pile. That's my plan anyway. But I have really had bad abdominal pains all day long. The result of being a female. I just wanna lay down and eat tacos for the rest of the night.
....
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Hurt Feelings
Sometimes friendships have to end. I've gone back and forth about a particular friendship for months now, but I believe I'm finally reaching a point where I'm letting go. I haven't truly hung out with this friend for about 3 weeks and it's been great. I haven't missed her at all. I'm not happy to see her the few times I have seen her. She has a lot of characteristics that I just don't care for. There has been a few occasions in which I've been offended or put off by something she's said or done and she's actually told me "I didn't see what the big deal is and I still don't." Pretty much telling me to save it because she's not hearing it. I'm not sure if it gets any more flagrantly thoughtless than that. She's a good friend for things like driving me to the airport, but for everyday situations that really matter, she doesn't have much to offer. She really doesn't see too much beyond herself. I myself am guilty of feeling that I deserve a certain type of treatment from people and I'm quick to let people know when I'm offended or they've fucked up. But with her, I've found that it's absolutely useless to even try and express my feelings. If she doesn't think she's done any wrong, she's not open to hearing what I have to say at all. Today at work, she paged me into her office because she said she wanted me to look over the details of the winter party that she's organizing at our job. I get in there and I see that one of the gifts is an Obama dvd. Great gift. However, since we aren't even allowed to refer to the party as a "Christmas" party because not everyone believes in Christmas, I didn't think it was a good idea to have a gift that's political in nature. Not everybody would appreciate receiving an Obama dvd at their company party. When I pointed this out, she rolled her eyes, got an attitude, and said, "oh well, it's free, whatever!" Um, ok. From there, she bitched and moaned about other things, then got on the phone. I got up and walked out of her office wondering to myself why she called me in there in the first place. If she wanted me to look over the party details, why was she so nasty when I found fault with one of the gifts? Stuff like that, I can just do without. That comes on top of other similar situations. So, I've reached the end of my rope. Admittedly, my rope with anyone isn't typically very long, but I've really reached the end with her. There's been too many other situations and I'm not going to keep overlooking it. The thing that's bad is that I don't really feel the need to have a conversation with her about it. It won't be worth it. I know how she works and how she reacts to things and I'm not even going to waste my breath. I'm just going to politely decline any invitations to do things with her. Eventually she'll realize that I'm not interested in being close anymore.
I was rather upset about all this earlier. I was talking to Shanee about it. And I really did begin to grow upset, like about to cry. Then, rather abruptly, Shanee had to go to sleep. It was approximately 12:30 and she has the first day of classes tomorrow beginning at 8:30 so I understood the need for sleep, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little let down that she couldn't find another 10 minutes or so to hear me out and make sure I was kool. I understand and respect her wanting to be rested up for skool, but there's no denying that it stung.
They say that time heals all wounds, and I'm sure it does for most, but I believe my scabs are still able to be torn off with relative ease. It amazes me that I can think of something that happened as far back as 2 years ago, and it will still hurt my feelings like it happened 5 minutes ago. No joke. My chest will begin to burn and then next thing I know, I'm fighting to blink back tears. I rarely win the fight. I wish my skin was thicker and my feelings weren't on my sleeve.
....
I was rather upset about all this earlier. I was talking to Shanee about it. And I really did begin to grow upset, like about to cry. Then, rather abruptly, Shanee had to go to sleep. It was approximately 12:30 and she has the first day of classes tomorrow beginning at 8:30 so I understood the need for sleep, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little let down that she couldn't find another 10 minutes or so to hear me out and make sure I was kool. I understand and respect her wanting to be rested up for skool, but there's no denying that it stung.
They say that time heals all wounds, and I'm sure it does for most, but I believe my scabs are still able to be torn off with relative ease. It amazes me that I can think of something that happened as far back as 2 years ago, and it will still hurt my feelings like it happened 5 minutes ago. No joke. My chest will begin to burn and then next thing I know, I'm fighting to blink back tears. I rarely win the fight. I wish my skin was thicker and my feelings weren't on my sleeve.
....
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Sunday
They say you learn something new everyday. I don't really know if this is qualified as "new," but I definitely paid attention and recognized today that I'm not very good at expressing what I mean or getting my point across effectively and it leads to senseless arguments. Confusion at the very least. I should work on this.
Today has been relaxing. I had the opportunity to sleep in, though I didn't take it. I was up and ready to move at approximately 9:30. I had breakfast, did all my usual internet browsing, talked to my mom on the phone for awhile, and sat around. Took a nap. Then went to Scotty's Brewhouse with Ashley and the boy she's dating, Lucian. He was really nice, fun to talk to, sociable. I'm glad she's dating him, they seemed to be a really good fit for one another. I like when my friends enter good relationships and are happy.
Speaking of happy, one unhappy event for a lot of people has been this year's playoffs. What is going on? It seems to just be a series of flukes. The Arizona Cardinals?! And right now, the Steelers are up 23-14...they need to keep it that way because I've got a pair of Levi's jeans riding on it. Shanee and I make friendly bets on football games.
....
Today has been relaxing. I had the opportunity to sleep in, though I didn't take it. I was up and ready to move at approximately 9:30. I had breakfast, did all my usual internet browsing, talked to my mom on the phone for awhile, and sat around. Took a nap. Then went to Scotty's Brewhouse with Ashley and the boy she's dating, Lucian. He was really nice, fun to talk to, sociable. I'm glad she's dating him, they seemed to be a really good fit for one another. I like when my friends enter good relationships and are happy.
Speaking of happy, one unhappy event for a lot of people has been this year's playoffs. What is going on? It seems to just be a series of flukes. The Arizona Cardinals?! And right now, the Steelers are up 23-14...they need to keep it that way because I've got a pair of Levi's jeans riding on it. Shanee and I make friendly bets on football games.
....
Dance? No Thanks.
I can't dance. I've never been able to. I'm not ashamed to admit it and I'll tell anyone. I fake it as much as I can and no one stares or laughs...so I'm convinced that I fake successfully. But it's not natural and it's not enjoyable. It's work...I am concentrating. This is why you will not find me on anyone's dance floor unless I've been dragged and shoved simultaneously by two people.
Anyhow, when people ask me if I like to dance and I say no, they of course ask why. I explain that I can't. Somehow or another, this triggers something in their minds that makes them want to find out for themselves. And a lot of women (cruel ass women) get a thrill out of "workin' me out" and showing me up. What they do is they wait until I've got the beat and everything is going right, then they wanna suddenly start twerkin and shakin like triple time, there's a leg in the air, their ass is down by my knees. All their friends are huddled around us in a circle yellin for her to "give it to her" and "take that shit erika!" As for me...I'm not taking anything. I can barely keep up. When one girl has exhausted herself, it's only a matter of a few minutes before one of her friends, or a complete stranger from across the room, decides that it's her turn. And I swear that they all try to out-do one another. Actually, I'm not sure if they are trying to shake it harder and faster than the girl before them or to make me look (and feel) even more foolish...I suppose it probably has a dual purpose. And for some reason, it's even worse when I'm standing up against a wall or sitting down. They seem to really love it then. Tonight for instance, I was at a house party and there was a girl there without her girlfriend and she was actin wild. I wasn't paying her much attention, I was just trying to avoid being danced upon. I was making superficial conversation with an acquaintance and trying not to text Shanee all crazy (I wanted to let her enjoy her friends and have a night out without being in her inbox ridiculously) when I felt somebody suddenly stand right next to me. I looked over, saw it was her, and took a step away to break the contact. (I swear I wasn't rude about it!) She didn't move closer, but when the next song came on, she jumped in front of me with so much quickness, it almost kind of scared me. The boy I was talking to, his eyes got big too. As soon as she did that, I knew exactly why she had came to stand next to me. She was basically "in line" to be next. No one has ever been that blatant about it before.
I don't know if this phenomenon is a blessing or a curse. Sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's embarrassing. There have been times when I was in a certain state of mind and I used it to my advantage. But most of the time, when I'm out, I'm just having a few drinks and enjoying my friends...I'm not really there to "participate." It seems like my freedom of choice gets taken from me though. I know that I cannot be the only other person that this happens to...it probably happens to everyone, they just don't think twice or blog about it. I, on the other hand, HATE IT!
Anyhow, when people ask me if I like to dance and I say no, they of course ask why. I explain that I can't. Somehow or another, this triggers something in their minds that makes them want to find out for themselves. And a lot of women (cruel ass women) get a thrill out of "workin' me out" and showing me up. What they do is they wait until I've got the beat and everything is going right, then they wanna suddenly start twerkin and shakin like triple time, there's a leg in the air, their ass is down by my knees. All their friends are huddled around us in a circle yellin for her to "give it to her" and "take that shit erika!" As for me...I'm not taking anything. I can barely keep up. When one girl has exhausted herself, it's only a matter of a few minutes before one of her friends, or a complete stranger from across the room, decides that it's her turn. And I swear that they all try to out-do one another. Actually, I'm not sure if they are trying to shake it harder and faster than the girl before them or to make me look (and feel) even more foolish...I suppose it probably has a dual purpose. And for some reason, it's even worse when I'm standing up against a wall or sitting down. They seem to really love it then. Tonight for instance, I was at a house party and there was a girl there without her girlfriend and she was actin wild. I wasn't paying her much attention, I was just trying to avoid being danced upon. I was making superficial conversation with an acquaintance and trying not to text Shanee all crazy (I wanted to let her enjoy her friends and have a night out without being in her inbox ridiculously) when I felt somebody suddenly stand right next to me. I looked over, saw it was her, and took a step away to break the contact. (I swear I wasn't rude about it!) She didn't move closer, but when the next song came on, she jumped in front of me with so much quickness, it almost kind of scared me. The boy I was talking to, his eyes got big too. As soon as she did that, I knew exactly why she had came to stand next to me. She was basically "in line" to be next. No one has ever been that blatant about it before.
I don't know if this phenomenon is a blessing or a curse. Sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's embarrassing. There have been times when I was in a certain state of mind and I used it to my advantage. But most of the time, when I'm out, I'm just having a few drinks and enjoying my friends...I'm not really there to "participate." It seems like my freedom of choice gets taken from me though. I know that I cannot be the only other person that this happens to...it probably happens to everyone, they just don't think twice or blog about it. I, on the other hand, HATE IT!
Friday, January 16, 2009
A HodgePodge
It is so uncomfortably cold in my apartment that it has sent me into a bad mood. It's absolutely frigid in here. I haven't felt my toes in hours. My space heater is holdin' steady at about 56. The heat in my apartment is cranked as high as it will go, but it's no match for the windows that provide their "downtown view" (they don't). I refuse to wrap my windows in plastic since I'm moving in less than 20 days. I have wrapped them the past two winters and it didn't help much. I've decided it's not worth the purchase of the plastic and the time and energy it takes to seal them. Last year, Shanee and I almost broke up over sealing my windows. I asked her to simply be in charge of cutting the tape and handing it to me as I did the actual sealing. You would have thought I asked her to lick a toilet. Her attitude about the whole chore was, right off top, absolutely horrible! Then, I told her I needed big pieces of tape...I look over and she's got about 4 pieces cut and they were each about 2 inches long. That's not big! Then I would ask her to hand them to me one by one and after about 6 pieces, I thought she would have naturally fallen into the rhythm of the task and would know to keep the tape coming...but no. I would extend my hand and not receive a piece of tape...I would turn my head to see her adjusting the music, looking at something on the computer, staring off into space. She wanted the windows sealed for her own attempt at warmth and comfort, but I believe she thought she was going to sit and watch me do it. I don't really remember if we truly argued, but we definitely were not happy with one another by the time the windows were sealed.
In April, I will officially have known Shanee for 2 whole years. But this past winter/New Year's marks our first calendar year together. No, it hasn't been a solid year as there were a few fuck-ups on both of our accounts, breaks, splits, and general periods of just not being into one another...but a whole calendar year nontheless. And it's somewhat amazing to see how much growing and changing she did in 2008. She's still Shanee, but it was interesting and sometimes painful to watch her enter her early 20s and grow into herself. It was tough at times to remember that people change as they grow, they don't just simply get older. I found myself, and still find myself, being extremely protective of her. I want to show her how to do everything. I'm overjoyed when she comes to me and asks for advice or help with certain situations because she knows I've already dealt with it...and I'm crestfallen when she doesn't. When I met her, she didn't talk to a lot of people. Myself, her two best friends, and one quirky boy that used to like her were her whole life aside from her family. I'm not too proud to admit that when she began making other friends and spending time with people on campus and actually having a social calendar, I got jealous. I made it my business to find out as much as I could about her new runnin' buddies because they didn't start out looking like the most worthwhile people to be around..for instance, I was livid the night she went to a get-together and made herself really sick from eating weed cupcakes. I'm sure nobody forced them down her throat, but she wasn't thinking about marijuana until that night. (and she hasn't since!) I just want to save her from downfalls and headaches that can be avoided. It stung the day that she told me, straight-up, that she has to make her own mistakes and figure things out for herself. (If I don't even like hearing that from my girlfriend who's only 4 years younger than me, imagine how heartbroken I will be when my future kids wash me out of their hair in their adolescent years!) Aside from how uncomfortable it might have been at times to watch this phase of her development, all in all, she's beautiful and she's my babygirl and I wouldn't trade her.
I had a doctor's appointment this morning. When I arrived, I checked in with the receptionist, handed her my insurance card and prepared myself to fill out new paperwork as it's a new year. As I was filling out the paper, this man sitting a few seats down from me fixed his eyes on me. I just focused on my paperwork and tried to ignore him. When I stood up to take my paperwork back to the receptionist, I stole a glance at the man. Much to my surprise, his eyes weren't real! They were glass or wood or something. He had two fake eyes. For the rest of the time that I was waiting, I really couldn't get over it. It startled me, but I wouldn't say it had freaked me out. I used to have a friend with a fake eye...it was never a concern or an issue. But the presence of two of them stuck with me. I wondered why he had sat there and "looked" at me for so long. I mean, I know he could sense my presence, but didn't anyone ever tell him that it wasn't polite to "stare?" I know he probably has minimal contol over the eyes, but why did he turn his face towards me and keep it there? That's what I failed to understand. There wasn't anything in my direction for him to be focusing on...no TV, nothing. I was the only thing there.
As a result of being overweight and working at Sam's Club (being on concrete floors for 8 hours daily), I've got the beginnings of vericose veins. That's what my doctor's appointment was for...deep leg pain. My veins are going bad. The doctor prescribed weight loss, magnesium, and support tights. I guess I'm truly starting to age...support tights at 25 years old! It's kind of unfortunate, but it could be a lot worse.
In other news, I was slightly amused earlier. I've been "out" for like a year and a half. The word 'gay' came out of my mouh in reference to myself in summer of 2007. Pretty much everybody knows. People knew before I wanted them to. Apparently, there's something about me that just screams 'gay' at people. But despite this...I got a text that seemed to ignore my blatant gayness. It was an invitation to an ex party. It said to "bring an ex-boyfriend that you're still friendly with and hook him up with somebody and your friends will do the same with their ex boyfriends." Considering who the invitation was from, I know that it will only be straight people in attendance. If I were to attend this particular party, I would strictly be donating an ex or two...I'm happy in my relationship, but even if I was single, there wouldn't be any women there for the taking lol. So...I wonder if I was invited on accident, or if It was a mass text, or if she just wanted to include me but didn't think it all the way through.
Everybody is so shocked that I'm moving on Super Bowl Sunday. I can't help that it fell on the first of the month. Besides, I probably won't care about the game because of how shocking and disappointing the playoffs have been. Everything is coming together though. My brother is giving me a couch since mine has crapped out. I'm going to ask my mom for the mattresses from my bedroom at her house so I can have newer ones. I have a feeling that she's going to say no, but I'm going to ask anyway. I spent about an hour going through some of the clutter in my desk area and it was ridiculous. I can see that I'm going to have to do a little organizing and throwing away each day in order to have everything the way I want it when it comes time to move.
....
In April, I will officially have known Shanee for 2 whole years. But this past winter/New Year's marks our first calendar year together. No, it hasn't been a solid year as there were a few fuck-ups on both of our accounts, breaks, splits, and general periods of just not being into one another...but a whole calendar year nontheless. And it's somewhat amazing to see how much growing and changing she did in 2008. She's still Shanee, but it was interesting and sometimes painful to watch her enter her early 20s and grow into herself. It was tough at times to remember that people change as they grow, they don't just simply get older. I found myself, and still find myself, being extremely protective of her. I want to show her how to do everything. I'm overjoyed when she comes to me and asks for advice or help with certain situations because she knows I've already dealt with it...and I'm crestfallen when she doesn't. When I met her, she didn't talk to a lot of people. Myself, her two best friends, and one quirky boy that used to like her were her whole life aside from her family. I'm not too proud to admit that when she began making other friends and spending time with people on campus and actually having a social calendar, I got jealous. I made it my business to find out as much as I could about her new runnin' buddies because they didn't start out looking like the most worthwhile people to be around..for instance, I was livid the night she went to a get-together and made herself really sick from eating weed cupcakes. I'm sure nobody forced them down her throat, but she wasn't thinking about marijuana until that night. (and she hasn't since!) I just want to save her from downfalls and headaches that can be avoided. It stung the day that she told me, straight-up, that she has to make her own mistakes and figure things out for herself. (If I don't even like hearing that from my girlfriend who's only 4 years younger than me, imagine how heartbroken I will be when my future kids wash me out of their hair in their adolescent years!) Aside from how uncomfortable it might have been at times to watch this phase of her development, all in all, she's beautiful and she's my babygirl and I wouldn't trade her.
I had a doctor's appointment this morning. When I arrived, I checked in with the receptionist, handed her my insurance card and prepared myself to fill out new paperwork as it's a new year. As I was filling out the paper, this man sitting a few seats down from me fixed his eyes on me. I just focused on my paperwork and tried to ignore him. When I stood up to take my paperwork back to the receptionist, I stole a glance at the man. Much to my surprise, his eyes weren't real! They were glass or wood or something. He had two fake eyes. For the rest of the time that I was waiting, I really couldn't get over it. It startled me, but I wouldn't say it had freaked me out. I used to have a friend with a fake eye...it was never a concern or an issue. But the presence of two of them stuck with me. I wondered why he had sat there and "looked" at me for so long. I mean, I know he could sense my presence, but didn't anyone ever tell him that it wasn't polite to "stare?" I know he probably has minimal contol over the eyes, but why did he turn his face towards me and keep it there? That's what I failed to understand. There wasn't anything in my direction for him to be focusing on...no TV, nothing. I was the only thing there.
As a result of being overweight and working at Sam's Club (being on concrete floors for 8 hours daily), I've got the beginnings of vericose veins. That's what my doctor's appointment was for...deep leg pain. My veins are going bad. The doctor prescribed weight loss, magnesium, and support tights. I guess I'm truly starting to age...support tights at 25 years old! It's kind of unfortunate, but it could be a lot worse.
In other news, I was slightly amused earlier. I've been "out" for like a year and a half. The word 'gay' came out of my mouh in reference to myself in summer of 2007. Pretty much everybody knows. People knew before I wanted them to. Apparently, there's something about me that just screams 'gay' at people. But despite this...I got a text that seemed to ignore my blatant gayness. It was an invitation to an ex party. It said to "bring an ex-boyfriend that you're still friendly with and hook him up with somebody and your friends will do the same with their ex boyfriends." Considering who the invitation was from, I know that it will only be straight people in attendance. If I were to attend this particular party, I would strictly be donating an ex or two...I'm happy in my relationship, but even if I was single, there wouldn't be any women there for the taking lol. So...I wonder if I was invited on accident, or if It was a mass text, or if she just wanted to include me but didn't think it all the way through.
Everybody is so shocked that I'm moving on Super Bowl Sunday. I can't help that it fell on the first of the month. Besides, I probably won't care about the game because of how shocking and disappointing the playoffs have been. Everything is coming together though. My brother is giving me a couch since mine has crapped out. I'm going to ask my mom for the mattresses from my bedroom at her house so I can have newer ones. I have a feeling that she's going to say no, but I'm going to ask anyway. I spent about an hour going through some of the clutter in my desk area and it was ridiculous. I can see that I'm going to have to do a little organizing and throwing away each day in order to have everything the way I want it when it comes time to move.
....
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Styes & Ignorance
I feel like I'm turning into some kind of old woman. I don't consider myself fully grown and I don't always act in the most mature ways, but I definitely am going through something in which I have no patience at all for young-acting people and ignorance. It's really unattractive to think of oneself as better than anyone else, but it's been a struggle not to lately. I've been surrounded by people who are just ignorant, seemingly on all levels. Not using proper English and thinking it's okay...being loud, obnoxious, and making it painfully obvious to everyone within earshot that you're trifling and ghetto. I'm just annoyed to the fullest extent by it. I shouldn't have to tell someone who's 28 years old that the word is "memorable," not "rememerable." (yeah, that's right...no b). Nobody in their 30s should be screaming at me across a warehouse, asking for "oinkment" because they cut their finger and it burns. Ointment or not, that's what happens when you cut flesh...it stings and burns. These people have graduated high school and are in college...why do they think this is okay? I'm just thoroughly sick of it all.
Unfortunately, I have what I believe to be a stye forming on the inner corner of my left eyelid. This afternoon at work, it just suddenly appeared. It began by swelling and I noticed my eyelid thickening. My eyes have been itching and creating a steady flow of pus and crust since the first of the year. Was this what it was working up to? The bump is now really tender to the touch and it's beginning to border on painful when I blink. I'm so unimpressed. It's really ugly too.
I've got a lot of things on my plate right now. I move into my new apartment on the 1st of February, I have some doctors appointments coming up for some check-ups, it's tax time, I've got some important decisions to make regarding my finances, still applying to better jobs, praying for my father and his health, my mother and her patience and sanity because of my father and his health, and my brother and his fast-approaching leap into fatherhood. Shanee is marvelous about helping me keep my head on straight.
Exhaustion has taken over, more tomorrow possibly!
Unfortunately, I have what I believe to be a stye forming on the inner corner of my left eyelid. This afternoon at work, it just suddenly appeared. It began by swelling and I noticed my eyelid thickening. My eyes have been itching and creating a steady flow of pus and crust since the first of the year. Was this what it was working up to? The bump is now really tender to the touch and it's beginning to border on painful when I blink. I'm so unimpressed. It's really ugly too.
I've got a lot of things on my plate right now. I move into my new apartment on the 1st of February, I have some doctors appointments coming up for some check-ups, it's tax time, I've got some important decisions to make regarding my finances, still applying to better jobs, praying for my father and his health, my mother and her patience and sanity because of my father and his health, and my brother and his fast-approaching leap into fatherhood. Shanee is marvelous about helping me keep my head on straight.
Exhaustion has taken over, more tomorrow possibly!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Christmas 2008
Christmas was different this year. For a few reasons.
1. My parents are remarried.
2. My brother has a pregnant girlfriend.
I got to Terre Haute on Christmas Eve around 7pm. I came in the house, had a sandwich, and talked with my parents. It was a decent time. I was noting all the changes to my mother's house since my father has moved back in...the island in the kitchen now has a lazy susan on it that is COVERED in medication. There's an oxygen tank in the computer room and you can hear it pumping away. Coming from said oxygen tank is a hose that attaches to my father's nosepiece...I'm getting used to that hose being drug all over the house, it inadvertently serves to identify his location throughout the house...just follow the clear tubing and you'll find Keith McGee. After awhile, I went to the restroom in my parents' bedroom, out of habit. (When my parents got divorced, I began using that bathroom in order to avoid sharing a bathroom with my brother because his hygiene and cleanliness habits leave something to be desired.) Anyway, as I was coming out of the bathroom, my father had taken a seat on the couch that it's in their bedroom. I didn't really look at him, just left the room. He hollered for me to shut the door behind me...as I turned back to get the door, I saw an ashtray and a pack of cigarettes on the coffee table next to the couch. I did a double take, but just kept going. My mom was coming down the hall toward the bedroom and I stopped her and I asked if those were cigarettes I just saw. She ignored my question and asked me a question that I can't remember now. Just at that moment, I looked down into her open purse and saw a few more packs of cigarettes. I turned and walked into the bathroom where I began bawling. The LAST thing I expected to see was that my father still smokes and my mother assists him by purchasing the cigarettes for him. I was so mad and so sad all at the same time. My mother came in the restroom and tried to console me, but there was nothing she could have said to me. She said that my father needed to see how upset it made me. She almost literally dragged me back to the bedroom where he was sitting. She opened the door and there he sat, puffin away at a cigarette. I had to turn away. I thought I was going to throw up. I began crying so hard that I was heaving and choking. I couldn't even talk. I couldn't breathe hardly. I was shaking. My mom led me over to the couch to sit next to him. I was so worked up, I couldn't even control my hands, they kept tuggin at my jeans and my fingers were flicking up and down my thigh. I was rocking. When I finally got it under control enough to speak, anger completely took over. I snapped. I began yelling. I yanked his oxygen cord. I told him he was full of shit. I told him there was nothing he could say to me. He tried to tell me something about his heart being weak from birth and it's genetics and that smoking doesn't have anything to do with it. I jumped up off the couch and told him there ain't no way I'm listening to that shit. My mom grabbed my shoulders and spun me out of the room and led me to the couch and gave me water and rubbed my forehead. My dad came in there and threw a pack of cigarettes at me and yelled that he was done. All I could say was "okay" because it's going to be a long time before I believe that. I still am sitting here choking back tears because I can't believe it. He knows that in order for him to get on the heart transplant list, he has to be an official non-smoker for 7 months. At this rate, it won't happen. I know God is in control, but I also believe God helps those that help themselves. He isn't doing much by way of making the best out of his situation. He continues to worsen his condition. The smoking and the poor eating habits continue. I'm so distressed about it. Anyway, I calmed down and we watched tv for a bit.
I woke up today and it was my first Christmas morning without my brother being here at the house. He and Jackie came over and hung out for awhile, but they didn't stay long because they had to be at her people's house for dinner. Her lil baby bump is starting to round out...so exciting! While they were here, we opened presents. I scored a Nike hoodie, a sweatsuit that will be returned tomorrow, and a pair of sneakers in the wrong size that will be exchanged tomorrow. Other than the short visit with them, my parents and I just baked cookies and other treats, ate, and hung out all day. As the afternoon wore down, my mother and I watched a couple movies, the Longshots (really cute) and Seven Pounds (hated it!). I miss my brother not being here for the whole day, but I kind of enjoy having my parents to myself.
I learned a lesson today. Not long ago, I was confided in by a friend. A mutual friend had opened up about his feelings for her, he really likes her and feels that she's the type of girl he could settle down and be serious with. He also has a sexual interest in another friend of mine. He texts her often...haphazardly, but often, inviting her over late at night and whatnot. It's no secret what he's after. This particular friend has grown some small feelings for him. Well...when I learned that he truly has feelings for my other friend...I told. I didn't want to sit back and watch her have sex with him or really get her feelings involved when his feelings are elsewhere. Her dumb butt went back and asked him about it. Never again. I swear I had good intentions by telling her that...I wanted her to just watch out, keep him at arm's length, and for her to truly know what he's about. She should have taken that knowledge and just used it that way. But no, for some dumb reason, she felt the need to verify it. So, even though I did what I truly felt was right, I look bad because of it. It looks like I ran my mouth...and I did, but for good reason. It looks like I can't be trusted. Well...the truth is, I can be. The lesson I learned is that I will not concern myself with anyone's business anymore. If someone wants to confide in me, they safely can. I'm not telling anyone, regardless of what they stand to lose by the knowledge I hold. I am irritated with her for feeling the need to go back and ask about it. How stupid. Did she think he was going to be honest with her about it? The answer is no because he denied it to the end. I fail to understand why she couldn't just take the knowledge and use it as a heads-up and keep her distance. I said this to her and she understood that it was senseless to have gone back and asked, but I don't think she thought it through much further than that. She doesn't see how she's made me look like a blabber mouth. Even bigger than that, the other parties involved have a lot to lose for various reasons that won't be spelled out here. And after dealing with her so closely for a few years now, I already know what type of person she is. She doesn't take criticism well. She virtually doesn't hear it when anyone points out something wrong with her. She's very self-centered and doesn't think her shit stinks. It's pretty much pointless to say anything else to her. She doesn't care. I've had a tough past couple weeks with this partiucular friend and I really feel like I see the end of our friendship in sight. She definitely has her good qualities which is why I've stuck around for so long when literally nobody else understood why. But I think we've ran our course. She frustrates me and I'm tired of her. The end of the year is approaching so it's probably time to rid myself...end that friendship as 08 ends.
....
1. My parents are remarried.
2. My brother has a pregnant girlfriend.
I got to Terre Haute on Christmas Eve around 7pm. I came in the house, had a sandwich, and talked with my parents. It was a decent time. I was noting all the changes to my mother's house since my father has moved back in...the island in the kitchen now has a lazy susan on it that is COVERED in medication. There's an oxygen tank in the computer room and you can hear it pumping away. Coming from said oxygen tank is a hose that attaches to my father's nosepiece...I'm getting used to that hose being drug all over the house, it inadvertently serves to identify his location throughout the house...just follow the clear tubing and you'll find Keith McGee. After awhile, I went to the restroom in my parents' bedroom, out of habit. (When my parents got divorced, I began using that bathroom in order to avoid sharing a bathroom with my brother because his hygiene and cleanliness habits leave something to be desired.) Anyway, as I was coming out of the bathroom, my father had taken a seat on the couch that it's in their bedroom. I didn't really look at him, just left the room. He hollered for me to shut the door behind me...as I turned back to get the door, I saw an ashtray and a pack of cigarettes on the coffee table next to the couch. I did a double take, but just kept going. My mom was coming down the hall toward the bedroom and I stopped her and I asked if those were cigarettes I just saw. She ignored my question and asked me a question that I can't remember now. Just at that moment, I looked down into her open purse and saw a few more packs of cigarettes. I turned and walked into the bathroom where I began bawling. The LAST thing I expected to see was that my father still smokes and my mother assists him by purchasing the cigarettes for him. I was so mad and so sad all at the same time. My mother came in the restroom and tried to console me, but there was nothing she could have said to me. She said that my father needed to see how upset it made me. She almost literally dragged me back to the bedroom where he was sitting. She opened the door and there he sat, puffin away at a cigarette. I had to turn away. I thought I was going to throw up. I began crying so hard that I was heaving and choking. I couldn't even talk. I couldn't breathe hardly. I was shaking. My mom led me over to the couch to sit next to him. I was so worked up, I couldn't even control my hands, they kept tuggin at my jeans and my fingers were flicking up and down my thigh. I was rocking. When I finally got it under control enough to speak, anger completely took over. I snapped. I began yelling. I yanked his oxygen cord. I told him he was full of shit. I told him there was nothing he could say to me. He tried to tell me something about his heart being weak from birth and it's genetics and that smoking doesn't have anything to do with it. I jumped up off the couch and told him there ain't no way I'm listening to that shit. My mom grabbed my shoulders and spun me out of the room and led me to the couch and gave me water and rubbed my forehead. My dad came in there and threw a pack of cigarettes at me and yelled that he was done. All I could say was "okay" because it's going to be a long time before I believe that. I still am sitting here choking back tears because I can't believe it. He knows that in order for him to get on the heart transplant list, he has to be an official non-smoker for 7 months. At this rate, it won't happen. I know God is in control, but I also believe God helps those that help themselves. He isn't doing much by way of making the best out of his situation. He continues to worsen his condition. The smoking and the poor eating habits continue. I'm so distressed about it. Anyway, I calmed down and we watched tv for a bit.
I woke up today and it was my first Christmas morning without my brother being here at the house. He and Jackie came over and hung out for awhile, but they didn't stay long because they had to be at her people's house for dinner. Her lil baby bump is starting to round out...so exciting! While they were here, we opened presents. I scored a Nike hoodie, a sweatsuit that will be returned tomorrow, and a pair of sneakers in the wrong size that will be exchanged tomorrow. Other than the short visit with them, my parents and I just baked cookies and other treats, ate, and hung out all day. As the afternoon wore down, my mother and I watched a couple movies, the Longshots (really cute) and Seven Pounds (hated it!). I miss my brother not being here for the whole day, but I kind of enjoy having my parents to myself.
I learned a lesson today. Not long ago, I was confided in by a friend. A mutual friend had opened up about his feelings for her, he really likes her and feels that she's the type of girl he could settle down and be serious with. He also has a sexual interest in another friend of mine. He texts her often...haphazardly, but often, inviting her over late at night and whatnot. It's no secret what he's after. This particular friend has grown some small feelings for him. Well...when I learned that he truly has feelings for my other friend...I told. I didn't want to sit back and watch her have sex with him or really get her feelings involved when his feelings are elsewhere. Her dumb butt went back and asked him about it. Never again. I swear I had good intentions by telling her that...I wanted her to just watch out, keep him at arm's length, and for her to truly know what he's about. She should have taken that knowledge and just used it that way. But no, for some dumb reason, she felt the need to verify it. So, even though I did what I truly felt was right, I look bad because of it. It looks like I ran my mouth...and I did, but for good reason. It looks like I can't be trusted. Well...the truth is, I can be. The lesson I learned is that I will not concern myself with anyone's business anymore. If someone wants to confide in me, they safely can. I'm not telling anyone, regardless of what they stand to lose by the knowledge I hold. I am irritated with her for feeling the need to go back and ask about it. How stupid. Did she think he was going to be honest with her about it? The answer is no because he denied it to the end. I fail to understand why she couldn't just take the knowledge and use it as a heads-up and keep her distance. I said this to her and she understood that it was senseless to have gone back and asked, but I don't think she thought it through much further than that. She doesn't see how she's made me look like a blabber mouth. Even bigger than that, the other parties involved have a lot to lose for various reasons that won't be spelled out here. And after dealing with her so closely for a few years now, I already know what type of person she is. She doesn't take criticism well. She virtually doesn't hear it when anyone points out something wrong with her. She's very self-centered and doesn't think her shit stinks. It's pretty much pointless to say anything else to her. She doesn't care. I've had a tough past couple weeks with this partiucular friend and I really feel like I see the end of our friendship in sight. She definitely has her good qualities which is why I've stuck around for so long when literally nobody else understood why. But I think we've ran our course. She frustrates me and I'm tired of her. The end of the year is approaching so it's probably time to rid myself...end that friendship as 08 ends.
....
Monday, December 22, 2008
Old-Fashioned?
I've been thinking of something for awhile now. About myself. And how I think and perceive things. About how I act. I don't know if old-fashioned is an appropriate way to describe the situation. Or if it's something else, like conservative. I just know that I have some different ideals and opinions about certain things, namely the way people operate socially. It might have something to do with the Christian upbringing I received. I'm really not sure. But I definitely have some strong opinions about some things. They stand out because I am alone in my feelings. Not many people feel the same way and it tends to cause problems, at the very least, some discussion. These things aren't on my mind constantly or anything, but certain situations arouse an intense reaction in me, so I know that I feel these ways strongly and consistently.
Before I jump into the topic at hand, I'll give some background about what I was taught growing up. My parents pretty much made it clear that as a Christian, you don't do things that give the appearance of evil. It's really sad, but I say that to people and they don't even really know what "appearance of evil" entails. So I say "you don't do things that give the appearance of something else." I believe that if something I'm doing makes me look bad or makes other people feel bad, then I ought not do it. Nine times out of ten, it isn't pleasing to God, therefore it's not worthwhile. Aside from that, I'm a firm believer in the fact that you can't go through life based on your own intentions. If other people perceive an action to be hurtful or it brings harm to others, then whatever I intended to be the result is absolutely worthless anyway. Again, not worthwhile.
This is on my mind because of an incident this past weekend. Without telling the entire story, I was invited out as part of a group. For the duration of the morning and the afternoon, I thought it was a group situation. Then it was revealed that my presence was requested in order to entertain someone so that two other people in the group could be alone and do their own thing. Suddenly, the situation became a no-no for me. I am serious about Shanee and have absolutely no desire to sit next to another chick in the movie theater. If we haven't already been friends for years, I'm not with it. I already know good and well that this person has some lapses in honesty and doesn't place too much value on her relationships, so why should I trust her to respect mine? I was instantly opposed to going and refused. I didn't feel right about it. And it would have looked bad. Yeah sure, my intentions would have been to watch the movie, but it might not have sat well with Shanee. So even if my intentions had been innocent, it probably wouldn't have looked very innocent, which would have led to hurt feelings and mistrust, ergo rendering the whole outing not worthwhile. When I expressed this sentiment, nothing much was said about it, but I have a feeling that it was laughed about later. I was probably referred to as lame. I've been described as uptight. People at my job know that I follow the rules and typically do what's right. I don't live fast or get thrills out of pushing limits. That's just not me. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't bother me. But I'm finally old enough to just suck it up "oh well." If I'm corny, then I'm corny. If I'm wack, then ok, great.
I really honestly feel that I would have felt really guilty and really wrong if I had went. I probably would have been nauseous throughout the movie and not even enjoyed myself. I would have been poor company. I feel like I did the right thing by not going. I don't know why I have these feelings so strongly, but they're undeniable. I honestly do believe that relationships, friendships, and just people in general would all fare better if more people held this way of thinking and believed this as well.
Another situation in which I was the minority in terms of how I viewed things, some friends and I were out to eat not that long ago. One friend is 24 and her sister is about 19. Somehow we got on the subject of curfews and they revealed that their father told them that they aren't to be at a boy's house past 10pm. They seemed pretty neutral about it, just kind of rolled their eyes when they mentioned it. Another friend of ours couldn't believe it, thought it was absolutely ridiculous. I totally agreed with the father. I feel like single young women don't have any business at a boy's house late at night. If there's a party going on or it's several young couples hanging out, that's one thing. But for one girl to be there with one boy...it's not necessary. A young lady doesn't need to be seen coming out of a boy's house late at night. True, it's no one's business what she was doing over there....but again, it simply looks bad. The way my parents raised me, you just avoid those types of things. These two girls were raised very similar to the way I was and they agreed with me. They were still annoyed, but understood it and respected their father's wishes.
I definitely realize that I've only felt this way since I was about 23 or so...I definitely respect a lot more of what my parents taught me. When I was 18, I wasn't hearing any of it. I guess what they say is true, that the words your parents speak to you will forever be with you. I definitely see the benefit of it. Life would be a whole lot more simplified if more people held these sentiments closer to their hearts and lived in such a way that was worthwhile.
Before I jump into the topic at hand, I'll give some background about what I was taught growing up. My parents pretty much made it clear that as a Christian, you don't do things that give the appearance of evil. It's really sad, but I say that to people and they don't even really know what "appearance of evil" entails. So I say "you don't do things that give the appearance of something else." I believe that if something I'm doing makes me look bad or makes other people feel bad, then I ought not do it. Nine times out of ten, it isn't pleasing to God, therefore it's not worthwhile. Aside from that, I'm a firm believer in the fact that you can't go through life based on your own intentions. If other people perceive an action to be hurtful or it brings harm to others, then whatever I intended to be the result is absolutely worthless anyway. Again, not worthwhile.
This is on my mind because of an incident this past weekend. Without telling the entire story, I was invited out as part of a group. For the duration of the morning and the afternoon, I thought it was a group situation. Then it was revealed that my presence was requested in order to entertain someone so that two other people in the group could be alone and do their own thing. Suddenly, the situation became a no-no for me. I am serious about Shanee and have absolutely no desire to sit next to another chick in the movie theater. If we haven't already been friends for years, I'm not with it. I already know good and well that this person has some lapses in honesty and doesn't place too much value on her relationships, so why should I trust her to respect mine? I was instantly opposed to going and refused. I didn't feel right about it. And it would have looked bad. Yeah sure, my intentions would have been to watch the movie, but it might not have sat well with Shanee. So even if my intentions had been innocent, it probably wouldn't have looked very innocent, which would have led to hurt feelings and mistrust, ergo rendering the whole outing not worthwhile. When I expressed this sentiment, nothing much was said about it, but I have a feeling that it was laughed about later. I was probably referred to as lame. I've been described as uptight. People at my job know that I follow the rules and typically do what's right. I don't live fast or get thrills out of pushing limits. That's just not me. I would be lying if I said that it doesn't bother me. But I'm finally old enough to just suck it up "oh well." If I'm corny, then I'm corny. If I'm wack, then ok, great.
I really honestly feel that I would have felt really guilty and really wrong if I had went. I probably would have been nauseous throughout the movie and not even enjoyed myself. I would have been poor company. I feel like I did the right thing by not going. I don't know why I have these feelings so strongly, but they're undeniable. I honestly do believe that relationships, friendships, and just people in general would all fare better if more people held this way of thinking and believed this as well.
Another situation in which I was the minority in terms of how I viewed things, some friends and I were out to eat not that long ago. One friend is 24 and her sister is about 19. Somehow we got on the subject of curfews and they revealed that their father told them that they aren't to be at a boy's house past 10pm. They seemed pretty neutral about it, just kind of rolled their eyes when they mentioned it. Another friend of ours couldn't believe it, thought it was absolutely ridiculous. I totally agreed with the father. I feel like single young women don't have any business at a boy's house late at night. If there's a party going on or it's several young couples hanging out, that's one thing. But for one girl to be there with one boy...it's not necessary. A young lady doesn't need to be seen coming out of a boy's house late at night. True, it's no one's business what she was doing over there....but again, it simply looks bad. The way my parents raised me, you just avoid those types of things. These two girls were raised very similar to the way I was and they agreed with me. They were still annoyed, but understood it and respected their father's wishes.
I definitely realize that I've only felt this way since I was about 23 or so...I definitely respect a lot more of what my parents taught me. When I was 18, I wasn't hearing any of it. I guess what they say is true, that the words your parents speak to you will forever be with you. I definitely see the benefit of it. Life would be a whole lot more simplified if more people held these sentiments closer to their hearts and lived in such a way that was worthwhile.
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