Tuesday, February 17, 2009

this day...

I didn't get adequate sleep last night. I kept waking up, my new mattress sucks somethin awful, my neck was hurting. I woke up unhappy. Even though my mattress sucks, it was still extremely hard to peel myself out of the sheets when I finally decided to get a move on. The morning didn't get much better. I went and met my parents and we stopped and got coffee and then we went to my dad's second appointment of the day. On top of being exhausted, my parents wore me out further. Talking over each other, being disorganized, my mom was in one of her moods where if she said anything and anybody disagreed, she was ready to fight. However, she was doing things that made no sense...asked me to get out of the car and help my father into his wheelchair, then say that she wants me to wait for her and she'll come with me to park the car. Why? There was no reason for it...but in order to save an argument, I just didn't say anything. Then we got inside the waiting room and since we were an hour late, the nurse was like "come back immediately so we can get started...you'll have to fill out the paper work while we get him prepped for the tests." My mom hands me the paper work and starts to push my dad towards the door that the nurse is holding open. I know my dad's name and address...and that's about it. I haven't committed his medical history to memory yet...I don't know his social security number.....I don't know his list of current medications and dosages. Just all those things...why on earth would she think it was a good idea for me to sit in a separate room and attempt to fill that out. When I handed it back to her and told her they needed to do it, she was all like "well, I just thought you could fill that out while we're back here." No. She snatched the papers and rolled her eyes as she tried to wheel my dad away in a huff. I know her patience is thin and her energy levels are low due to dealing with my father 24/7, but no reason for rationality to fly out the window as well. So I sit in the waiting room...for 2 hours. It was horrible. I read every single magazine they had available....approximately the last 8 issues of Newsweek, the last 2 People magazines, and all the different literature that doctor's offices have about new medications, medical studies, diseases, that type of thing. I was so irritated. I was being stared at by people...I was the only person there under the age of 50, only one of 3 blacks, I was there alone, and I was there forever. People just kept staring at me. I didn't know if they were so intrigued because of race, my youth, my style of dress, my size, my general appearance (short hair, no makeup, freckled face, sleepy eyes). I have no clue. It got annoying though. Apparently, it was written all over my face because when my parents finally emerged from the exam room, they both made a mess of themselves trying to apologize for taking so long, saying they weren't aware that it was going to be such a long visit, and saying they could tell immediately from looking at me that I was not happy.

After my long stint in the waiting room, we went to a Japanese Steakhouse for lunch. My dad ordered 4 things on the menu. Two types of sushi, shrimp tempura, and steak and rice. I couldn't help myself. I told him that he was absolutely ridiculous and he had no business eating like that. He ignored my mother and I, she had backed me up in what I said. We sat there and ate and my mom told me all her plans to spoil the baby when it gets here. Damian is in for some good fun. I had looked at the ultrasound pictures and it was sooo neat....he looks just like my brother. Absolutely like him. High cheeks, a big head, a lil wide flat nose with huge nostrils. I'm so excited for him to get here!

There were several other things said and incidents that took place at lunch that I'll spare the details on..but I was not happy when we left. I was exhausted from jump, then just grew increasingly irritated as the day went on. By the time I was supposed to go to work, I debated whether or not I should even go. Being tired and in a bad mood is a recipe for disaster when dealing with customers. Luckily, I was offered the opportunity to just go watch the gas station for the evening. I gladly accepted. I sat out there and texted, listened to the radio, and watched people pump gas. There was a bin full of magazines in there...and again, I sat and read every publication possible. I really packed my brain with some good information today...politics, technology, spiritual things, a lot of health-related articles. Right when work was about to end, the market team of managers arrived at our store. They NEVER visit at night. Someone was about to lose their job!

That was the day. I'm still exhausted and still kind of irritable. I'm really trying to shake this and keep on living life despite everything going on with my father and how it has affected our family. It is beginning to take a toll on me, I can tell. I just don't feel the same. I have to practice so much patience with my family that I have literally zero for anyone else. Shanee remarked that she could hear the sadness in my voice. I'm so happy to have her...she does her fair share of getting on my nerves, but at the end of the day, she's the one who bears the brunt of my emotions. I cry to her, complain to her, voice all my concerns to her. She hears it all. I've never had a connection like that with anyone else before and I was really missing out. At times, I feel bad...she deserves a girlfriend who's just as positive and happy as she is. Due to what's going on, that's hit or miss with me right now. She met me at a happier time in my life and she knows that my personality just naturally tends to be more on the serious side, but I sometimes fear that she may grow weary from my heavy-heartedness. I don't want to be a burden to her.

.....

4 comments:

abrowngirlgonegay said...

That sounds like a really long day! I hope things get better for you

RealDeal_Revolutionista said...

Kudos to you for going to your dad's appointment. I'm sure even though your mom is exhausted and testy, they both appreciated your presence. Again, I know what you're going through - I told my dad what to eat, what not to eat, bought him things that I thought would help...he would try, but give up ultimately saying if he was going go he'd die..well you know the rest. :/ I really believe that he will get on the transplant list, one of the very good friends of our family received a liver transplant and he's doing so-so. The thing about transplants is you get catapulted to the front of the list when you're in real bad shape which turns out to be a good thing so you can get higher priority. Is there a chance that maybe he'll do better on his own and eventually not need the transplant?

Stay strong, stay beautiful..peace..

E. said...

I'm soooo with you on the last part of your entry. I always feel guilty about being the burden to my much happier, more positive girlfriend. It seems she hadn't a care in the world before she met me. Now, she has to sit and listen to all my problems and prop me up emotionally all the time. It must get frustrating and depressing for her . But, the way I see it is, like that line from rent, "today for you, tomorrow for me". You never know when she'll need to lean on you just like you're leaning on her now. I try to remember that when I'm feeling guiltiest and it usually helps.

E. said...

I'm soooo with you on the last part of your entry. I always feel guilty about being the burden to my much happier, more positive girlfriend. It seems she hadn't a care in the world before she met me. Now, she has to sit and listen to all my problems and prop me up emotionally all the time. It must get frustrating and depressing for her . But, the way I see it is, like that line from rent, "today for you, tomorrow for me". You never know when she'll need to lean on you just like you're leaning on her now. I try to remember that when I'm feeling guiltiest and it usually helps.