Sunday, February 8, 2009

I'm so lonellllyyyy....I have nobodddyyyyyy....

(the title is for you, Shanee...lolol)

The best part of waking up...is Folgers in my cup!

I've made the decision to quit Starbucks. Fiscally, it doesn't make a lot of sense to drink my daily coffee there. I've got a gift card with about 5 bucks on it that I'm saving to use on a day when I just absolutely need it. (Yes, it's that bad.) I've decided to just wake up in enough time to brew my coffee here at home. I'm only on day 3 of this decision, so we'll see...

It felt good to sleep in today. I woke up and kind of dozed in and out for about an hour and a half, but just to lay in bed felt marvelous. I'm considering just not even leaving my apartment today. Just stay inside...read...write...do job applications....maybe do my taxes....use a ton of water and do like 12 loads of laundry. That type of thing.

Last night, my friend L, the one I wrote about a few weeks ago about dropping, came over. I've decided to just keep a light friendship with her. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm selfish, but I made the decision out of loneliness. Most of my friends that are my age are either married, live with their boyfriend like they're married, have kids, or are in school. Nobody that I actually like and enjoy spending time with has the time to just entertain me. By entertain, I just mean eat with, watch movies with, just somebody to talk to. People have their own lives. Maybe I need a hobby or to get involved in the community somehow. Anyhow, L has the potential to be good company and she seems to enjoy mine. So, kind of out of desperation, I decided to hang with her last night. I cooked lemon pepper tilapia, mashed sweet potatoes, mixed veggies, and baked a pan of brownies. We ate and were in the middle of the movie "Se7en" when drama unfolded. L's mom called and said she was sick of the shit her dad was doing, she followed him when he left the house and he wasn't where he said he was going to be, and she was going to ask him for a divorce when he got home from Lord knows where. L got all worked up into a frenzy and was yelling, crying, and freakin the fuck out. She tried to call her mom and suggest that her mom confront him the next morning as opposed to in the middle of the night after he'd been drinking. Her mom wouldn't hear of it...she had the courage at that moment and was burning mad, so it was then or never. I tried to tell L that it was her parents' concern and that she couldn't do anything about it...she was inconsolable. I got mad when she began raising her voice and clapping her hands at me. I just decided not to say anything...it wasn't my fault that her dad is a dickbag. She was scared to go home and I kind of felt sorry for her. But lonely or not, it will probably be another couple weeks before I hang with her again.

I know that when in a relationship, you have to sometimes put your own wants and desires behind the other person's happiness and comfort. Relationships are about sacrifice. I know this. But here lately, I've kind of been in a general state of dissatisfaction about Shanee and I's communication. She's taking a full load of classes, she's active on campus, she works about 15 hours a week, and she has a pretty decent social calendar. My baby is not lame by any means, but she's quiet and not very outgoing. When I met her, she didn't have any friends. Me, her two best friends since forever, her family, and one quirky boy named Rufus was pretty much it....she was available at all times to talk to me. Whenever I wanted, I could just call her up and we would talk for hours. She called me all the time too. But now, shit is just different. After work and school, she's got homework and commitments to the organization that she's in and the intramural basketball team she's on, and she's got a new group of friends that she enjoys hanging out with. She's 21 and a senior in college...it's only natural for her to be social and be wanting to go out and hang out as much as she can. She calls me as much as she can....in between things and when she has a spare moment and we always talk before bed. But somehow, I want more. I feel that since our situation is different, there's 600 miles between us, I feel like she should make more time for me. Am I just being selfish? Do I expect too much? I just wish she would skip plans with friends once in awhile to stay home specifically to just talk to me without me having to ask for it. I'm jealous of her friends because they get to spend time with her and I don't. She tells me not to be jealous because our connection is tighter than with any of her friends and the time we spend is a million times more special, but I can't help it really. I want to spend time with her! I hate saying goodbye and hanging the phone up because her friends have arrived. When she tells me about her plans to play wii and watch the L word with her girls, it makes me so sad....I wanna go too! She always tells me she wishes I could come and that her friends wanna meet me and I do believe her when she says those things...but it doesn't make it go away. I want to be with her doing those things!! I know that if things go as planned, we will only be apart for another few months and then we'll be living under one roof and it won't matter how packed her schedule is because I'll be along for the ride. I kinda feel like I need to just get a life. Because I'm bored with my life, I focus on hers and just want to be a part of everything she does. It's kind of lame now that I really think about it. But it's true.

.....

1 comment:

abrowngirlgonegay said...

I think that when you're in a LDR, you damn near have to schedule phone calls. It's the only way you have to communicate, so I think it's important that both parties make time to make it happen.