Sunday, February 22, 2009

bullshit & anger

Well, my father is off the hook. Just 100% off the hook. I don't even know what to say about it. It's really sad and it makes me angry. There is no help for that man. None. He told my mom that if he would have known he was going to get a blood transfusion, he would have never stopped smoking. What an idiot. I said that to my mom and I waited for her to reprimand me for calling my father an idiot, but she just laughed and said "i know!" He has said some really mean, evil, and ugly things about my mother and my brother and my yet-to-be born nephew....but then he sat and talked about his friends from work and got all choked up about how good they are to him. I couldn't believe it. I just looked at the tv and didn't acknowledge any of it. How dare he get all emotional about a fuckin coworker, but then speak about his family with disdain?? He sat at the doctor's office last week and began crying about how he's suddenly in the presence of good, caring people....but when my mom gives him his insulin shot at night, he calls her Dracula and said he feels like she enjoys causing him pain. My mom just rolled her eyes and was like "yeah, I fantasize at night about driving this needle into your arm sideways and jiggling it around just to watch you in agony." When he made that comment about the doctors being good, caring people, my mom just stared straight ahead and ignored him. What the hell does he mean, suddenly in the presence of good, caring people? These doctors have a job to do and that's why they're there. His family, we have a choice in the matter, we don't have to look out for him. We choose to. And he talks shit. But the people who have made it their life's work, who charge a lot of money to care for him, they are the ones that bring tears to his eyes. He's full of shit. I know it's a very insensitive way to feel, but it's the truth. He's full of pure shit. And he lied to me and my mother last week about something very important. That doesn't sit well with me. I'm so angry. If he wants to jack around with his own health, that's his prerogative. But the other things that he's lying about, they affect my brother and I in big ways and that's what I can't deal with. I'm so irritated. I've decided that I'm not going to the hospital today until this evening when my mother and brother come to the city to visit him. I can't do it alone. Some of the other decisions that he's made and the way he acts about things and the things he says to my mom are not acceptable. She has pretty much given up her life to him, like a good wife, for the past several months to do any and everything in her power to keep him healthy and happy and he turns on her at the drop of a dime. Her car wouldn't start yesterday and he told her "don't think for one second that I'm gonna sink a single penny into your car." What a dick. My mom runs a business that has barely stayed afloat in these economic times, why would he make her finance a repair? Why should she have to owe her mechanic 50 or 75 bucks a week for the next 2 months, when he has the money in the bank and could take care of it for her at once? He bawled all through their marriage ceremony, could barely complete the vows, but then doesn't act very much like a husband. I'm just sickened by all of it. I'm so glad that my mother is strong enough and has enough patience that he doesn't get to her, I thank God for that. He would have been dead if not for her, that's not a joke. God deals with each of us as He will and He has obviously chosen to care for my dad through my mom. His heart stopped yesterday and his defibrillator went off and stabilized him once again, and later that evening, he was back talking shit. I don't know how you can know full well that your heart stops and if not for a lil machine implanted in your chest to kick-start it again, you would surely die, and then sit back and say evil things about your family.

1 comment:

abrowngirlgonegay said...

Erika, I give every extra hug I have to you. You are going through so much and are handling it all like a rock!