on loneliness...

I am lonely. I have things to do and people to spend my time with, but it isn't what I want. I am sick of the long distance part of my relationship. Absolutely sick of it. I miss Shanee so damn bad, it's ridiculous. I hate that we can only talk on the phone and through text. Regardless of how much we love each other and how tight our bond and connection is, we still are apart. It is so depressing. I hate to sound codependent, but I am tired of going to bed alone, waking up alone, coming home from work to an empty apartment, eating meals alone, having sex by myself, just everything. Shanee asked me why don't I make it more of a point to hang out with friends and go out more to get out of the house. I had to explain to her that it's not the house I'm trying to avoid. It's being alone in the house. And even then, I'm sure I could scrap up enough friends to have a gathering every evening if I wanted to, but I'm not interested in that type of company. I want Shanee, and that's it. My friends are a pleasant distraction for a few hours, but it's unfulfilling because after we part ways, I'm back to being alone. They say that there's something wrong with a person who can't just be alone with themselves. But I'm alone with myself alllll the time and I'm over myself. I want to share my company with the person I love. Hanging out with friends every spare moment that I have and going out just doesn't satisfy what I'm feeling....at 25.5 years old (yeah, i said point 5), I'm ready to settle down and share my life with the person I intend to spend the rest of it with. I'm just really not doing well with this distance at all. I got off the phone with Shanee approximately ten minutes into a conversation tonight because I felt myself growing sad and refused to whine, complain, cry, and whatever else I may have done. Because of everything going on with my father and all of the uncertainty that comes with it, I'm already pretty down and then factor in loneliness and it doesn't really make for pleasant conversation. She deals with it each and every day. I decided that tonight, I was not going to go there with her. I could hear the exhaustion in her voice and I wanted her to have just one night where she could just go to sleep without having to worry about me and all my concerns. Plus, I think it's healthy for me to be able to soothe myself sometimes.

The good news is that I'm buying a plane ticket tomorrow. I had kind of been holding out because I wanted to have the final verdict on whether my father is going to get placed on the transplant list or not before I decided to leave town. Yesterday at lunch, my mom asked me when the next time I'm going to see Shanee is and I admitted that I was waiting to buy my ticket. Her and my father both encouraged me to go. They said that there isn't any reason for me not to go and enjoy my visit. I definitely plan to. I'm glad that despite everything going on, my parents still encourage me to live my own life and attain my own happiness when I feel that it's kind of selfish to do that right now.

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